Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in Alu's LiveJournal:

Sunday, November 11th, 2001
11:32 pm	I'm pretty sure no one reads this journal, hell, no one really knows about this one. I think it's safe to say what I need to.... I really like Amanda, but I'm not sure what's going on with us. I mean, it could be a great thing, truly. But my head is swimming in a pool of discouraging thoughts. Does she really like me? Could I make her happy? Can I even be happy? I'm so confused, but really really scared too. I want to know. I really really want to know. I don't really know what's going on in my head though. I'm not sure if it's cause I'm trying to move on and she's conveniently there, or is it cause she is really special? I wish I knew. I just want to be as happy as I can, and I want someone I can truly care for........... Amanda's leaving next month and it makes me sad to think that as soon as I find someone I might have real emotions for (cause let's face it, everything people see, is not real) she leaves...... I wish I knew what to do. I wish I wasn't affraid to tell her how I feel about her. Why can't someone just tell me how she feels. I absolutely hate not knowing important things, like this. Current Mood: anxious (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
4:22 am	I think I should talk about it while it's still a topic in my head. When I was younger, I mean a lot younger, I was a drug addict. I was hiding well, but I still knew I was. I was probably 12 or 13, maybe even younger, I don't remember to much. I did every drug out there. Finding it wasn't a problem cause my brother had connections and I used them more than anyone knew. I stole, I cheated, I lied, and I eventually od'ed. I only remember waking up to my friends pounding my chest as hard as they could. I locked myself away and kicked it. A while ago I lost my girlfriend. She was my everything. She saved me, only do crush me later on. I had so much love to show her and she didn't want it anymore. I was heartbroken. All I felt was sorrow and self pity. I began taking a lot of drugs again. I started drinking heavily. I eventually got to the point where I had to feel something else other than heartache. I drank when no one was around. I had to have more. I found an old number in my drawer and called it and talked to one of my old dealers. We talked for a while and he told me he'd give me a hit for $10 each. I got two. I went home, dug out my needles, cooked up and shot up. I remember thiking how stupid this was, but I had also taken a handful of vicodine and a lot of alcohol a few days before, and held a knife to my throat the night before. I hid the marks by wearing long sleeve shirts. I thought I'd sell the othe hit and move on, but that didn't happen, instead I had another fight with my ex. I did the other hit and passed out. I woke up with the needle still in my arm, crusted blood on the outside of it, wasn't pretty. I think the worst part about doing it again was the way my dealer said no when I asked him for more. I guess he remembered what happened last time. That was about a month ago, I think. I get these cravings every now and again, the need to feel the high again. It's pretty pitiful when you know what's going to happen when you do things like that, and still don't care. I'm not going to write this in my other journal, cause I know what people will say, but mostly I know my ex will call me a lier and say it never happened. Gotta love that fucking bitch. I do, but that doesn't mean I want to. I'm slowly getting over her, but I still get the need for another hit. How weak am I? (7 Comments |Comment on this)
4:01 am	My ife is in such a weird place right now. I really don't know where to begin with it. I've been calling the schools to see how I could get enrolled in night school, but they don't seem to ever be open when I call. I think I'm settling down to the idea of getting my ged, but I don't know if that's what I really want to do. I've been thinking about it for a while and I've narrowed it down some, but I still have a few choices. I want to study journalism, I think I can bullshit enought to do that. I also want to take writing classes, creative writing maybe, just to have some experience. Writing is also a requirement to study anthropology, which is what I've wanted to study for years, but that's a lot of school. A lot of money i don't have. I need to get this figured out soon though. Any suggestions? Ideas? I've been thinking about Deva alot too. I want to be with her so bad, but the obvious problem, we live in different countries. If I go to school, it's not likely that I'm going to get time to go see her, and if I do go see her, where will i be at in that stage in my life. Will I have gotten done what I needed to? Will I have finished school? I had a dream about her last night too. I still don't know what to think of it. It goes into graphics I'd rather not describe here, but it was a powerful dream. I'm usually good at interpreting my dreams, but this one I'm so confused by. I woke up having such a good feeling about it, yet nothing was really good about it till the end. I also did heroin in my dream, which is weird because I've never had dreams about it, only memories and cravings. I hate that I crave it again, I guess that's what I get for doing it again. I'm glad it didn't become a problem, like last time. I shouldn't go into that here though, not yet. I have no idea what to think anymore. Everything is all mixed up and confusing, I don't know what to do. I want so much, but at the same time, I don't want a lot from it. I just mostly want love again. I want to feel what I had at one point in time. I'm at the point of doing whatever it takes. I need to feel something other than loneliness. I'm glad I have Deva to talk to though, she's helped me get through some really rough nights, like the night I first talked to her, I was missing my mom and she said she'd come over from NZ and take me to her. Thank you Deva. I love you. Current Mood: lethargic (Comment on this)
Monday, August 13th, 2001
2:59 am	Tonight I need more. I felt upset with myself, so I called a friend to see what was going on, nothing as usual. I talked a little while, told them about my journal, my other journal. I got off the phone little later and came in to see if Deva was still on or not, she wasn't, so I shut off my puter just in time to get a phone call back from my friend. They said they read my journal and had a treat for me. They came over with a huge bag full of clothes. I pushed my way throught the bag to come across the things I'va been wanting for a long time, full leather skirt, leather pants, and a leather corset(I like leather and corsets). They asked me what I thought and you can believe I was dying to know why they brought this stuff over. I asked them for about fifteen minutes, amidst putting on my new layer of skin. I got the answer of "I have hooks and chains for you". I was floored. I almost cried I was so happy. I suited up, and got ready for a little pain by blasting Deftones until my neighbors came outside(about three minutes). I stood in the middle of my living room in a leather outfit, getting hooks shoved through my skin. They were small hooks so I could do anything fun like swing from ropes or pulls things around. They finished putting in all the hooks and sttached the chains. At the end of the chains (which were about seven feet long) were little symbols and a pentagram, good pentigram, not upside down. I walked around for a minute letting the hooks set in and the blood to slow down. I was so fucking excited. I must have had tears in my eyes cause I couldn't see the neighbors out on my lawn staring at me. I walked out back to get away from the stares. I started to turn around when I felt the chains swinging. I love it. It felt so good to feel that tugging. I started to spin, but remebered my lack of sufficient blood flow, and got a little light headed. I wish i had a digital camera to take pictures of what happened. It was beautiful. I had a amazingly detailed leather corset with rubber inlays in the sides, a long black leather skirt that barely touched the ground when I walked, I didn't like the pants too much so I left them off. My friend was wearing a black lace corset that had the most beautiful red trimming and a kirt of really soft fluffy tiger skin. I think I forgot to mention my friend lives in Arizona, so it's not like this kind of thing happens all that often. We must have looked like such freaks back there. My back is still a little bloody from earlier. Anyways, we hung out back there a little longer, then took out the hooks so we still had time to boil them, if you clean them they keep a little longer. We talked for about, I had my computer on, so Deva if you came on and I didn't say anything I'm sorry. After my friend left I came in here and messed around online for little bit. I'm not posting this in my other journal cause I know some people who read it would freak out on me. Right now I'm missing those hooks, I still have them, but I don't think I can put them in my own back. I'm also blasting Deftones as loud as I can. I keep playing the same doamn song over and over again, it's the perfect beat for the mood I'm in. Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: Deftones--Passenger, White Pony (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 12th, 2001
6:27 pm	Aiye, I do love you. Current Mood: dorky (Comment on this)
5:44 pm	I like to think that I can love people and not be effected by the way they want me to be, but it's not true. I'm hurt by the things that people say. I'm not hard. I'm not trendy. I'm not a leader. I do get hurt though. I don't stand out in a crowd, so why should I have to feel like I need to be the one person to make a difference. I don't want fame, glory, or be in the spotlight for more than 2 seconds, it's not what makes me happy. I do however need to survive, in doing so I need a few things. I need companionship. Not asking for much, just someone that I love and I can stand for more than five minutes at a time. I remember telling a few people that I wanted them around me, but for some circumstance they couldn't deal with it, I had to be the one to make everything the best it could be. I don't know how to do that. I might be selfish, but I don't want to have to change the way I am for someone else, I'm not asking them to do it. I have no one around in my life, right now, right here, to make me smile. I do however have someone living a good distance away that I want to make me smile. It seems that I have nothing going for me here. So why not move? Why not give everything up to go and make myself smile again? Well, if it were that simple I coul drop everything steal money and go be with this person, but, it's not. I have things I can't leave behind, and I have personal issues to deal with before I can start over. I want to go. I really do, but I have to worry about the things that've happened before. My life not going where I want it to. Dealing with the rejection that could happen. Forgetting the one that I want to see happy. I hate living my life wonering what I'm going to deal with next. I just want to go, be happy, live away from everything, and be with the person that I still have a chance with. The one I want to be with. I love you Deva, I'm just scared of what's going to happen. I'm a fucking wuss. I take the easy way out. If I could come be with you I would, but I don't think I could start again just yet. I need to figure things out. Understand that I could be beginning another heartache. I hate to think of it like that, just another heartache. It's not what I want. I don't know what is going to happen, I'm not sure if I want to know. I'm going to save some money, and hopefully when I have enought o get down there, I will have shaken off this layer of doubt and just be willing to fight off the bad things and love the good, instead of not knowing what is what. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)