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erk. [23 Feb 2002|04:10am] there are additional people on my friends list.. *hides* Ah well I'm sure I'll Scare the buggers off soon. I'm having a spiritual dearth here. I'm alone. I'm unhappy with the motion and movement mother is prodding us into religion wise. She seems to wish to ensure for the family in the even of her demise.. Oh yes.. the MRI and such? A neck injury such as if they fuck with it.. a high probability she'd become permanently quadriplegic.. Or like.. if the do nothing but home it strengthens and heals, but if she moves wrong some day out of the blue.. same result. Mother has made her arrangements to end her life should/would such paralysis happen.. already living as a double amputee and feeling her quality of life is already greatly diminished.. and concerned her burden to others has increased she finds the idea of life, paralyzed from the neck down, to be a non option so in the effort and the ways to "Enjoy Every Minute" of life.. and "Prepare For The Worst" She is encouraging full time religious activities for the family.. and is increasing the tempo of her teachings on the bits of truth and knowledge she can (or will) share as a Lightworker. I. Am. Frustrated. I remember as a child speaking with spiritual beings.. seeing, conversing.. when they stopped coming to me.. I felt abandoned. They did not come when I called anymore.. I was alone.. then there was the period of puberty and angst and further disenfranchisement.. I was told somewhere in there.. that _I_ was the reason they could not, would not, talk to me. that child-self-me had shut them out.. and they had to abide by my will and if I removed all my own blockages.. and really truly wanted it & all else.. I would again hear full stereo sound from the inner voice.. and not just the quiet mutterings I hear now.. I went through temporal education that some are mystics.. and others of us are not and can never be.. and cried to myself in pain.. that I wasn't able to maintain my worthiness, wasn't chosen, and doubted my memories, doubted my own thoughts & motivations. When adopted into the Medicine Clan.. I felt that surely they meant only my mother.. and my brother by adopting her and her offspring.. because I was certainly not worthy to see anything on the vision quest.. I am distrustful now of anything from within.. and analyse it.. for taint.. for associated energy, resonance.. and I am so spiritually alone. I do not remember the last time I FELT the pressence of a greater All. At least not in ways that connects to me.. I have always still seen it with others.. I see the void that surrounds me.. and am left unable to bridge it.. and have, through study.. come to see again that it was NOT a barrier of my own choosing.. It WAS put there by another.. and I have been living and dealing with the frustrations of disconnection while believing it was my own fault and that I caused it. I feel raped. Spiritually so. To have lived with lies and deceptions and to have been alone in the dark.. I'm still there.. it's still dark.. a little more insight.. a little more knowledge.. but still as fucking disconnected. 2 Waves| Lap My Shores

Grrrrrrr. [23 Feb 2002|12:46am] I'm moderately pissed. it become apparent we needed a crew to stay and sleep at the show barn at this horse show our training school has attended this weekend.. a couple blankets, sweaters and a lone sleeping back were put into the extra stall among our row.. to stay and protect and be there for the horses.. Scott and the guest stayed there.. to accompany each other and to be there.. and I'm pissed. that _I_ apparently had to come home to mother Clara.. and did not get to stay Alone because I'm female.. or stay with another of the set for improperly looking if with a foster kid or the house guest. Grumpy. Lap My Shores

ooooh! [23 Feb 2002|12:05am] Just drove home 50 miles on the leading edge of a storm.. in lightening.. in hail and torrential rain.. trying to race it home to bring the horses in.. mildly successful - the horses were soaked, but I watched the storm come in around us and well after us, flooding the garage and the lightening and thunder continuing to slam reverberations against the earth. Lap My Shores

Funny! [22 Feb 2002|01:54pm] Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire private investigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA,INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? F.A.T.A.S.S. 3 Waves| Lap My Shores

God that was beautiful to watch.. [21 Feb 2002|11:28pm] Women's Skating at the Olympics. *teary* Lap My Shores

Funny! (from sorchawench) [21 Feb 2002|04:34pm] Did you know? Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 5 Waves| Lap My Shores

Survey Says! [21 Feb 2002|04:25pm] Which Chess Piece Are You? 3 Waves| Lap My Shores

Survey Says! [21 Feb 2002|04:17pm] I Am A: Chaotic Good Human Bard Fighter Alignment: Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups. Race: Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'. Primary Class: Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit. Secondary Class: Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer. Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail) 1 Wave| Lap My Shores

Just a quick note [17 Feb 2002|04:20pm] For those following my life. Our guest from Canada has been here a day - it goes great. He's a wonderful friend and a delight to have around. His trip was beset with difficulties, but hey life is an adventure. We (all 11 of us) are currently frantically packing to head out on our short stay at the beach.. be gone all Monday, Tuesday.. Will attempt at least another small check in Wednesday night. Namaste! 4 Waves| Lap My Shores

How Interesting! [15 Feb 2002|03:37am] I want one! http://www.yoni.com/loverf/vulvaintro.shtml 15 Waves| Lap My Shores

Survey Says! [14 Feb 2002|07:00pm] How VERY fitting. Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You? 3 Waves| Lap My Shores

Happy Valentines Day [14 Feb 2002|10:37am] Sorry... was just too tired to make it online last night to make happy noises about all the stuff that's going on. I had an interesting thought yesterday.. I was thinking back to some things when Clara was not yet born.. and not remembering EXACTLY how an even occurred.. I thought I should "go look back in my journal." It took another three beats for me to realize I wasn't keeping a journal yet then. Bummer. I so wish I had. 2 Waves| Lap My Shores

Hah! [12 Feb 2002|11:31pm] Me: I'm so frustrated with myself and my relationships! littlegirl: Well, I don't see what's so hard to accept about the fact that you're just the devil and you can't do anything right. 2 Waves| Lap My Shores

Okay.. So I was without connection for a few days.. [12 Feb 2002|09:55pm] And I never got to pointing out where I was at last week.. let alone where I've gone to emotionally since then. I was trying to answer some polyamorous questions.. Answer them FOR myself - with limited success. In the past several days.. I've gotten a bit further along in my thinking than is right here.. But I don't wanna lose the evolution of thought. ( Doubting Thomas? ) 1 Wave| Lap My Shores

Heh.. Sex Machine? [12 Feb 2002|11:18am] Why do I *almost* want one.. for conversation.. for at least TRYING it out?? The idea of the 1/2" setting sounds like wonderful torture. 10 Waves| Lap My Shores

Survey Says! (Obligatory stoopidity before going to bed) [12 Feb 2002|03:34am] Take the What Color Dragon Should You Ride? Quiz Made By: myway and teza 5 Waves| Lap My Shores

What color am I? [12 Feb 2002|03:18am] Ariana 2 Waves| Lap My Shores

"Bother!" said the Borg. "We've assimilated Pooh." [12 Feb 2002|12:55am] *chuckles at subject still* Oh.. just sat down.. my computer doesn't HATE me any more! It talks back now when I talk to it! The last 5 days without power were interesting, challenging, fun.. until about the end of the first day.. and then it was merely annoying. I didn't really go into computer withdrawals until yesterday afternoon. So it seems my addiction limit is 4 days. Michael won the pool on how many emails I would have.. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 400.. Scott had thought six.. and I had thought maybe even higher. I forget the mailing lists usually calm down over the weekend. Umm.. been really stressed.. I have lots to tell.. and I was so damned relieved to come home to lights and running water and flushing toilets and hot showers.. an no more hand hauling 60 gallons of water a day for people and livestock.. and taking a sponge bath out of a bowl of wood stove heated water.. So I can only imagine how stressful this evening WOULD have been had I also needed to meet the basic needs of subsistence. Lap My Shores

And before I go to bed.. [07 Feb 2002|09:58am] to try and catch a nap.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY WYNDWYCK!! 1 Wave| Lap My Shores

Who says.. ? [07 Feb 2002|09:36am] tanstaafl said..*wry* I was like harry of harry and sally.. who said that men and women couldn't be friend cause the sex was always in the way.. even if not doing it.. thinking about it.. but not exactly like harry.. because he says I think that friends should always be close enough to be ones you'd have sex with (and do so?) and he says I should develop some grey area between there and acquaintances. 7 Waves| Lap My Shores

*giggles* [07 Feb 2002|06:28am] GOOD MORNING! (Can you say up all night.. waking the man thing to have sex.. and then aborting sex to talk?? He says he's all good now.. sheesh! Virgos!) 8 Waves| Lap My Shores

Today.. [05 Feb 2002|01:27pm] I've been spending the morning holding mother's hand.. he anxiety was increasing. She does not want the neurosurgeon she visits this afternoon to tell her she needs surgery.. If surgery again she is afraid she will not wake.. and if more completely paralyzed (other than her already amputated legs) she does not wish to live. The Relief Society Presidency cancelled their visit for today.. thank god. I'm about to go register the newest fosterling at school.. and the Tall Fosterling found himself taken away in handcuffs from school today to spend the night in detention for his parole violations. 2 Waves| Lap My Shores

Woot! [03 Feb 2002|02:56am] I just watched Atlantis with Clara.. That Rocked! (she had seen it before - new to me.. she doesn't Spoil movies!) We snuggled and she was enthralled.. and talked with me a good ten minutes after about it.. with her own opinions and asking me questions!! :) ----------------------------- Heh. I just tried to move the then sleeping Clara to her room.. she sat up full awake and said "But I want to be in your room. I changed my mind. I don't want to sleep in my bed anymore." So now I'll let her fall asleep again in my own bed.. hopefully until in a deeper sleep and then move her.. and if necessary, just set her down and climb right in.. so it's still a snuggly (not lonely) place to be. Lap My Shores

Survey Says! [03 Feb 2002|12:21am] How deep is my LiveJournal addiction? Pick your level of addiction!! 2 Waves| Lap My Shores

Funny! (from moraxian) [03 Feb 2002|12:17am] THEY FIGHT CRIME! Lap My Shores

Grrrrr! [02 Feb 2002|04:50pm] just went through a grumpy spasm.. was organizing my precious things.. Michael was stealing in and poking through them without permission Lap My Shores

*whines* [01 Feb 2002|02:11am] feeling incredibly lonely.. Not for being alone.. but for the feelings of separateness and being disconnected. Tonight.. I wish it weren't raining.. this is a night with as much apprehension and writhing wakefulness poured into it to handle walking a mile or two in the dark, among the trees.. listening for sounds of deer, skunk, raccoon or cougar.. to cry and slobber tears as you walk the wind rushing downhill from between the valley of the trees and chilling your cheeks stinging your eyes dry and your lips tasting of salt. I think I shall go shower now. 4 Waves| Lap My Shores

Survey Says! (hahahaha!) [01 Feb 2002|01:30am] You're Kara from Jake the Rake Some say Kara is embroiled in too many relationships, but she thinks there's nothing wrong with sorting out your social calendar with algorithms and spreadsheets. She's so organized other people ring her up to ask what they're doing with their partners. And she tells them. Take the Jake the Rake quiz! Lap My Shores

Awww. Shucks. [01 Feb 2002|01:00am] wyndwyck found me THIS! 4 Waves| Lap My Shores

Survey Says! (like there was any surprise about THIS result! FIRE! Fire! fire!) [01 Feb 2002|12:54am] I'm a Fire Spirit 2 Waves| Lap My Shores

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