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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Nick's LiveJournal:
| Friday, March 15th, 2002 | ||
| 5:01 am | hmm... well. that's interesting. apparently i am taking the SATs on saturday. this means that friday i'm going to have to make up for two, almost three nights sleep. that's 18 hours. the test is at 7 in belmont, so up at like 530. that means i need to sleep from 11am til 530 am. i'm not so sure that'll happen. now i need to whip off an essay. oh, and studying? pfffffft. i'll get my 742 combined, thankyouverymuch. | |
| Monday, March 11th, 2002 | ||
| 4:18 pm | wow. that was beyond ridiculous i don't think i've been this angry since last march. this is completely insane. i just had the most bullshit conversation of all time. im literally speechless, i'm so angry bewildered and hurt. maybe it's just cause i'm so brain-drained (what a day..) i literally have no idea what the fuck is going on in that girl's mind. and hey, she won't tell me. super. she says she wants to spare herself the pain, which is really funny, considering that she has probably singlehandedly caused twice as much pain as she would have otherwise. whatever. i have something fun to say. hear ye, hear ye. unless she approaches asking for parlance of a cool-headed, reasonable, explicit and full nature, then i forever ban Eve Fine from the kingdom of Nick's Life. and good fucking riddance. all i wanted was a clean break, that's why i asked what i did, and asked to talk afterwards. don't think i didn't know the outcome. all i was looking for was a way to end it, peacefully even. then she blew me off, and made it very clear that she had no intention of ever addressing it. fine, that's the way you want it? eve fucking hurt me, a lot, because in one simple phrase of "i'm sorry, this is all i can do" any friendship was rendered invalid, not just ended, but the message was given that she didn't care enough about it to put any of herself into maybe keeping it together. fine, maybe that was just a bad time. yeah, maybe, if it didn't fit the pattern of her NEVER putting any of herself into it. maybe if there hadn't been this history of me feeling blown off, passed over, ignored, attacked, and rejected for no apparent reason, maybe then i could pass it off as just bad timing. but not after all that. she doesn't want to talk? fine. that's it, it's over, no talking, have a nice life, i have nothing to say to you anymore because you don't want to hear it in the first place. that seemed like it was pretty understood, over the last week or so. then this afternoon, she starts conversation. what the fuck? didn't you understand? i ended it. no, i take that back. YOU ended it. i just realized what a pathetic ass i was making out of myself by crawling in the dirt, stood up, brushed myself off, and walked away. and you talk to me? fuck that. you're not getting anything but hostility, i have no other official feelings toward you. then you get surprised at the hostility? what? hm, maybe that's because you're not used to it. at all. if you'd been paying any attention, or caring in the slightest about the way we interacted, eve might have noticed that i only fought back. i never went on the offensive, not nearly to the extent that she did. maybe she didn't realize it, but i don't really care. if she didn't notice, that's just as bad. she gets angry, because i'm just easing off the hooks of conversation, and she definetly does NOT like being out of a position of control. i say, i don't want to deal with your anger, it's a waste of my time. by which i mean it's unproductive to anything. talk about things that we need to talk about if you want to, but don't talk while angry. how could that ever work? she misinterprets, seizing upon the slightest chance to get the upperhand and get me on the defensive. as always. i'm always on the defensive when talking to eve, i always feel like i'm being persecuted or blamed for something. and so she leaves because she can't deal with this right now. well, she's never been able to. in fact, she never has. of course, she manages to get the last word. passive-aggresive. jab without letting yourself get vulnerable when approached, then when the other person gets angry, get hurt and aggressive. so then she signs back on, and leaves a nice little IM saying she's sorry for bringing it up, she's feeling overwhelmed, she does want things to work out, but she just can't think about it right now. well. isn't that fucking nice. are you joking? you've been feeling overwhelmed for how many months now? how many times have you avoided it? guess what, i'm feeling overwhelmed too, but you know what? i care enough about it that i sacrifice time and a shitload of energy to get into it. i make it a priority. i'm not asking for her to sacrifice her life to it, just to make it a priority in her life instead of the last thing she wants to deal with and obviously the last thing she cares about. bury the hatchet with that little message? i think not. that just makes me madder. her response to that would be to retreat, saying, well i can't do anything right and obviously this isn't going anywhere goodbye, etc. putting me in the wrong again somehow. she may have apologized in her words, but the fact that she still, even now, won't deal with it speaks much louder than any profuse askance of forgiveness. apology not accepted. when she's ready to talk, i'll listen. but i'm not accepting anything except that as proof that you care. so until she brings it up, we're still on war footing, and as far as i'm concerned, she doesn't give a rat's ass about anything between us. that's that. i'm drained and down and fucking ripshit and numb and hurt and tired all at the same time. i feel like i've collapsed into ice. and i don't want any responses to this post. if you have something to say to me, you can call. | |
| Sunday, March 10th, 2002 | ||
| 6:44 pm | AAGH!! okay. math test. sequences and series. JUST learning the chapter now, cause i am irresponsible. also, the teacher apparently taught us some very nifty, not-in-the-book method of finding the equation for a progression. so i'm panicking, cause i need an A on this test. bigtime. and i have like 5-6 other exams this week. fuck! i hate junior year!! i can't work at home, i want to live at the library. except they closed today at 5. i had been doing the math chapter since 2ish. i could've kept on going, too. i could do math problems for days, i think. cause i'm cool like that. and yesterday was beautiful. and interesting. next weekend will be interesting too. girls... hm.... promS, we shall see.. hmm hmm... and josh might visit this april!! woohoo!! but now i need to panic about school. and english. oh god, english. and bio. and phyz, dammit. what i hate the most is that i do not have a class that i can totally slack in. that would be italian, but she gives such stupid amounts of busywork and makes us do such stupid things that it takes time/effort where it shouldnt. so i seriously have to panic about all my classes. i get wired and edgy. but fast and focused, sometimes. the math is kind of bugging me, because i don't have enough practice, and today i just wasn't seeing things. like the patterns come easily, anyone can see those in a nanosecond. but it's putting it into notation. i was having trouble with recursive formulas, but that could be rustiness. the notation is a little confusing, too. and of course, the traditional problem of my thought having no structure. damn. too much other stuff to write about, not enough time now. i'm wired and frustrated and ready to cram. Gone. | |
| Wednesday, March 6th, 2002 | ||
| 5:03 am | more avoidance no, wait, i forgot to get into one thing, i was going to start into WHY we can only understand things in terms of our preexisting thought structures. this may be asking the same type of question as why is the gravitational constant this number and not another, but i want to think about it a little. so, as my understanding of the general subject stands (er... i don't exactly have the PhD in cognitive psychology that this discussion requires, so it should be noted that i'm just going to completely bullshit everything. straight outta the ass, i'm not relying on any textbook or credible source), humans see something new, and they try and analyze it. getting into the modes of analysis and the classification thereof is a little aristotellian, i think, but maybe i'll take a shot. so. in general and preliminary consideration of the problem, an association forms; what i've been talking about seems somewhat related to developmental psychology; from the little of this field that i've heard about from my mom, when a child is forming its conception of the world, it relies primarily on its parents (and the relationship of the parents, and the relationship of the individual parent to the child) for examples. i've heard it described that a kid needs to build an outside, then an inside from that outside. but then one has to get into nature vs. nurture, and i don't even know enough about that (beyond my own experience) to even bullshit about it. so i'll avoid that path. so we assume that we start out somewhat hollow, a tabula rasa, a vessel waiting to be filled. what would happen if the infant was removed from any familial context, and left to grow up in the wild? (survival would just be assumed for the purposes of this experiment.. however, that may not be an entirely valid assumption; it may be entirely possible that when it comes to survival and protection, that is an extremely critical part of development. so this thought experiment won't work.) with that parenthetical statement in mind, this is an untenable line of thought. i'm getting tangled. i'll start over. HOW does a child first understand things? what processes are at work innately that allow for the building of a thought structure (as modeled on the world around it)? hmm... on deeper thought, it looks like this is the end of where base logic is able to bring me; in order to continue on this road, i'll have to start reading studies and such things. damn. maybe if i jump back even before i got into developmental stuff. okay. with every reformation of a thesis question, the conclusion becomes clearer. so. why is it that we can only interpret things in terms of a preexisting thought structure? i think i'm starting to mix levels here. i'm asking why our perception is constrained by the way we think, but i'm also asking how do we think/analyze/understand a new object? they're related, because the next question is what would doing the opposite entail? at this point, without heavy consideration, this is like asking to mentally construct all 11 dimensions. at this point it will be important to clarify exactly what we're trying looking at: are we talking about the mind's analysis of a physical object, like an unevolved human predecessor might try to understand a television, or an abstract concept, like multiple dimensions? abstract concept has my vote, as physical analysis lies in the domain of sense perception (what does this look like? what does this taste like? what does this smell like? all these questions are comparative; they can be used to make statements like "well, if it feels like this other thing, then maybe it's partially composed of this other thing." of course, this builds an entire structure based on relationships; everything is relative to everything else. this seems to be tantamount to a comparison to relativity and the assertion that a Theory of Everything must be background independent. but i'm not going to go there, because i really don't know what i'm talking about). so. we're asking the (more specific) question of what would comprehension of a foreign abstract concept through a method that is NOT forming of associations and comparisons entail? this may be asking to redesign consciousness, and as i said, is extremely hard to fiddle with mentally. interestingly, it's at this point that traditional, sequential, logical analysis seems to fail for me, and i must rely on reconsidering the situation and reforming it mentally and generally playing with it until a sudden association forms, out of nowhere, and i then can pursue that hypothesis. hm, i may have something. i took a random abstract assertion, that the the world is an illusion, etc, and considered it. what my mind did next was, "OK. assume this to be true. what are the implications? what does this mean about the world as i know it?" now, i'm too tired and too time-constrained to continue with this. am i on the right track? it seems that i could be losing myself in a knot of logic, i need time to step away and reconsider this or an outsider's perspective. is this really a way of understanding an abstract concept that isn't reliant on a system where i compare and contrast it to existing knowledge? my thoughts are muddying, i seem to be entering a hall of mirrors as i blunder about these abstract planes and confuse levels of comprehension with modes of comprehension, and off into infinity. at this point, i think it's generally time to step back from the problem and do something else, and just let this sit. i'm going to do that. maybe i'll pick this up later. but if anyone has any comments, i'd love to hear em. | |
| 4:18 am | school.. and stuff.. school is killing me. yes, i asked for it, yes, i should have taken fewer classes, blah, blah, blah. there are a couple problems in the educational system. well, to be more specific, I have problems with the educational system. for instance, physics and math. we spent a few weeks on conics. i do not want to learn about conics. i want to learn CALCULUS! i did maybe one section of homework in that chapter, and the test was fine. of course, analytic geometry is always easy, everything is THERE, defined, with no question marks. everything is readily determinable from everything else. so now i'm going to describe the School for Nick Barry and Kids Like Him. math class - you learn concepts first. all the concepts, all the way through. make sure your understanding is thorough by asking qualitative, not quantitative questions, or giving tests like that. then you go back and apply the concepts to quantitative exams. basically, my theory is, a really good understanding is a perfectly reasonable substitute for lots of practice (escape route: this may only apply for certain types of people; people learn things in different ways, some through abstract/conceptual, some through rote work. since this is MY school, it's going to be for people who learn through concept above practice). however, this is not a generally accepted theory. there are two possibilities that i can see for this: a) the section of the population that learns through concept is so much smaller compared to the section that learns through rote that through experiment it's been proven to not work overall, and b) the kids who were asked to learn this way were not adequately comfortable with the qualitative material when they were given quantitative exams. of course, those two theories assume that i am correct; i could be wrong. so using this system, theoretically one could cover a lot more information in a much shorter time. my math teacher who i completely adore would be appalled at this structure: he is a firm believer that one's knowledge should expand horizontally (i.e. more in depth) before one's knowledge expands vertically (i.e. many more topics). this is fine, and i agree.. to a point. i tend to believe that sometimes the necessary associations to understand a topic may come from more advanced material, or completely unrelated material. this is true with me; a lot of the stuff we've done in physics has been made easier to understand thanks to the material i've read on quantum mechanics and relativity. if you ask me to provide a specific example, i can't, but i can distinctly remember light-bulb flashes of association as mr. martenis explained something new. so, basically i argue that more general knowledge is helpful when either going down into detail, or expanding in general; knowledge begets understanding. this is interesting, i'm going to get diverted for a second: it seems that the very fact that knowledge exists in the context of other knowledge gives rise to associations and connections and patterns between different things; one could look at it like each area of knowledge is one neuron; add another neuron, and synapses form. connections. that's interesting, but i guess obvious. why do humans form connections so innately? i would think that it's because in any attempt to understand a new thought structure, one must analyze it in terms of preexisting thought structures. this is sort of the same argument that all perception is experience, but a little more abstract. as we search for ways to understand something, we reach for similarities and look to make patterns and connections. i guess that's why associations are so important in understanding a new concept. side note: a recurring question i have is How much are our psychological processes related to our biology? neurons work in the same way i just described, by forming an intricate net of connections and pathways. foreign cells are only understood in terms of preexisting structures, MHC complexes and the cell's antigens. there are countless examples; the natural tendency to place things in a duality (black/white, up/down, etc), does that reflect the bilateral symmetry in our bodies? the light and dark we see in nature?. is the way we think determined by our own biological structures? that would imply that at some extremely fundamental level, our minds are aware of their own structure. that makes me think of Pi, one of my favorite movies. i got kinda sidetracked from my original (and rather poorly organized) topic of school and the school system. the way school is structured now doesn't fit me. i learn through discussion, through explanation, much more so than through practice. well, that may be untrue; i can't count the times that untangling a knotty problem has made me understand the subject better. i think i just like to talk (as if that wasn't obvious). of course, this has been primarily a discussion of the sciences; math, physics, a little bio thrown in. basically, i think my main complaint is that we don't go fast enough, or rather the way in which we learn material slows down the rate at which it's taught.. i think. with subjects like english, i'm even more pissed off. that's because the general english course is a MESS. look at it; you read literature, you analyze, you teach organization of rhetoric (essays, etc), you give the students all the structures in which they must organize and compose their thoughts, but you can't teach them how to do it. that's not as obvious as it looks. how can you teach how to SEE things in a piece of literature? how do you SEE how to compose an essay? how do you SEE which word is better suited to this sentence? you can't TEACH that stuff; that has to come from the student. instead, all the teacher can do is give examples, and offer their own analyses, and hope that by being corrected and forced to think in certain ways, the students will pick it up. like stuffing jello into a mold, then taking the mold away and hoping it'll stay in place. from this point, i could go down and get into the nitty gritties of how one does tell what has Quality and what doesn't... but the fact that i use the word Quality means that i'm just spouting someone else's argument (with whom i happen to agree COMPLETELY). so if you're interested in exactly how people SEE what is good and what isn't good, go read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert M. Pirsig. i sound like i'm giving a lecture, almost. who am i lecturing to? i reread my entries and i see nothing but pomposity, nothing but delusions of grandeur. it's 5am and i just spent 40 minutes avoiding my homework. i will do ANYTHING to avoid homework... even other homework. i caught myself starting to mentally sketch out the outline for the Heart of Darkness essay, which hasn't even been assigned yet, just to avoid a couple stupid math problems. maybe i can use this to my advantage.. i'm going to go find out. goodnight, to whoever i've been talking to. shit, i really need to learn to use the paragraph. | |
| Tuesday, March 5th, 2002 | ||
| 11:43 pm | i apologize for this entry. it's unnecessary. whatever. i think part of what makes something like this suck so much is the fact that even though you're angry and hurt and kinda dwell on it, the other person couldn't care less, acts like nothing has happened, and is so completely and calmly self-assured in their position (in that they have no need to defend themselves to a skeptic) that you would think it was a religious thing. that's more whining. but at this point, who's counting. | |
| 9:20 pm | feh. i was thinking about writing a backbiting, insinuation-filled, bitchy entry in response to an ex-friend or so. but i decided not too. just going to go do my homework and pray i can get stuff done. hmm, in review, it looks like i went back on that earlier decision. oh well, i will have time for dignity after junior year. | |
| Sunday, March 3rd, 2002 | ||
| 2:32 am | dull like a rock. what was today? today was weird. i passed out last night, from exhaustion, and looking back, near-starvation (well, not really). i slept for >16 hours, and ate food after an involuntary 30-hour hunger strike. then i just sat. i don't know. i was dull. lethargic. feeling stupid. unmotivated. not feeling horribly depressed... but only cause i wasn't really thinking about, i think. if that makes any sense. i don't know. i felt stopped. passive. it felt kinda suffocating. so? change your mood nick! eh. don't have the resolve. need to work on that. i don't know. so i lazed around until like 4ish. then i decided, eh, maybe i want to get around to seeing LOTR, finally... but then when it came to thinking of people i wanted to go see it with, things didn't happen. i could only think of a couple people i wanted to go see it with. or felt like i could tolerate their presence. some were busy, some, i don't know. i was just too lazy or something. i didn't want to see people, anyone i knew, but i felt social. i think. what a weird mood. there was no real emotion except discontentment, negativism (i made that up to fit the automatic rejection of nearly anything), just blah-ness. i'm making something out of nothing, i think, but what happens when you don't do anything and don't want to do anything is that you think more about things, about your life and what's generally happening / what SHOULD be happening / why it isn't, etc. gah. i have no idea. the more i look at how i'm feeling, the less i know what it is. that is sorta satisfying. so i stayed in and had chinese and watched Quills. i liked how the deepest perversions of mankind, the deepest religious/spiritual force, and the deepest scientific/legal aspects of the book were all equally sadistic. or at least their representations. that's what i got out of it anyways. i should sleep, but i'm too lazy to get into bed. why sleep? it's too much effort to do the whole pre-bed routine, when i could just sit here and blather and feel sorry for myself and surf the net in an ecstasy of boredom. if that's possible. i need to go to bed so i can work tomorrow. but, oddly enough, i seem to be at a stage where no matter how tired i am, the wish to sleep has become completely detached from the need. why sleep? why be conscious? why write in this thing? i think i'm going to just go to bed, out of routine and necessity more than anything else. what went wrong today? why this discontentment? oh, i need to resolve things. duh.. now my dreams will be lovely, i'm sure.. | |
| Saturday, March 2nd, 2002 | ||
| 2:26 pm | huh...interesting... maybe not completely accurate... maybe though...  Which Chess Piece Are You? | |
| Thursday, February 28th, 2002 | ||
| 11:47 pm | hm... rereading that last post... funny how every time i DO have reason to be angry at someone, i manage to twist it or shift the focus so i end up ripshit at myself more than anyone. that's another little defect of mine i hate. now. to french, and Heart of Darkness, which although at times a tad dense, is completely brilliant and i love it. we have read such good books in english this year, a far cry from the Jane Eyre, Wide Sargasso Sea, and other assorted crud from last year. i'm going to work. i swear. | |
| 11:36 pm | ARRRGH!!! time for an angry exclamation. what the FUCK?! that's it, i'm finished. that's really fucking it. that was just unnecessarily rude, jesus fucking christ. i'm really pissed off. it's done, i give the fuck up. FUCK! and it's wonderful timing. really. but that part's my fault. i don't understand it. every week is worse than the last, i'm going nuts. and i sit here and want to work and it's like two gears grinding in opposite directions and i lock up. and conveniently, there are a thousand things to distract me. learned some interesting things about thinking. why i always feel slow, why i always feel like my brain is working against me when i try and think analytically and not at random. but i can't even get to that point if i can't start. and i can't. i just can't do it. there's too many other options and my will is far too weak. speaking of weak will.. there are certain people who i don't want to talk to. talking to them is just bad for me. and yet i can't stop myself. it's horrible. i scream at myself on the inside and call myself a failure and i do it anyways, i put myself in positions where i know i'm going to get hurt (but sometimes i get surprised in how much more hurt i get than i expected) and i do it anyways, cause i deserve it, for giving in in the first place, for not working efficiently, for being a fuck-up, for everything. and i go around and around in these feedback loops, and i just bring my own mind to its knees, to the point where i'm so distraught and down and self-loathing that i could hardly work if it were an option. this has to stop, something has to give, soon. fuck, i need to stop writing in this thing and just deal with it. | |
| Tuesday, February 5th, 2002 | ||
| 8:54 pm | don't read this, i feel self-conscious things that depress me: when people change their screenname and don't let you know having people tell you you have no chance in hell with colleges, girls, or whatever when your physics teacher takes off two unnecessary points, just 'cause he can. when you're sick of nearly all your friends. when vacation and all things wave-related are 8 days away. having a gpa that at MAX can only be an 8.41, when stanford basically wants 8.6 and higher. remembering that i still have nearly 20 months of high school, all with my same class the fact that a third to half my friends will not be here next year. (that one's really bad) certain unavoidable truths about me. homework. dear god, homework. and papers. shooting myself in the foot. other stuff. bleah! actually, i had a pretty fun day today. just feeling worn down, misused, abused (shut UP nick), tired, lonely, the rest. need to just work and not think for 8 more days. 8 days. that's BASICALLY a week, cause the day before i won't be doing anything really. right? yeah. sport diver came today. "Discover Hawaii's Undersea Diversity!" wow, i sound like a fuckhead. i have a new sort of fantasy, related to that a bit. so ideally, i have a lot of time off. say a year or two. and this is assuming all financial shizz etc is covered. so it's in mexico. say baja. i dont care. on the coast. white beach, and i mean WHITE. sand the color of chalk, better yet flour, all the way to the water, blue the color of poolwater almost. crystalline, sort of. dream like. blue sky to infinity. think the water in The Beach. beach stretching side to side in straight lines so it too seems to go to infinity. waves. oh yes, waves. giant ones some days, and somedays so calm that you can't even hear them ripple against the white sand. and a little house. very simple, very plain. a bed, a bookshelf, a toilet / shower, place for scuba gear + surfboard, a backpack and something to take care of food. and books. and pencil and paper and possibly calculator. i think. i'm kind of undecided. if books, then it would all be about one thing. a language, or math, or physics, or psychology, or philosophy/metaphysics. and i would spend my days in the water, on the water, or under the water, sitting on the beach, thinking, meditating, reading. getting good and ready to live. and trek in to town or whatever every month or so to get supplies, and human contact, etc. oh, on the plus side, i get to laugh my ASS off at everyone working on their junior thesis. and yes, i wasted my summer, but hey. i get to learn about the immune system and not the civil war, so HAH. i kinda don't want people reading this. i feel sort of ashamed or guilty. maybe i'm british. maybe i have papers to write.. | |
| Tuesday, January 29th, 2002 | ||
| 9:12 pm | cause anything is better than passing my classes... [ Sex Stuff ] Are you a virgin: um... well... technically... physically... otherwise, i’m a dirty little boy. How many times have you had sex: umm.... one, two, three, four, five, six, seven? that sounds about right. [-love-] Are you in love: i fuckin hope not. how could i be? Do you have a bf/gf: i think i’m putting a moratorium on that until after feb break... When did you start going out: hopefully soon after feb break (man am i an optimist) [-friendships-] Best friends: you know who you are. well, only a couple of you. Good friends: many. [-have you ever-] Kissed the same sex: yes. i’m making progress!! Kissed the opposite: haha oh wait, i answered this question above. i have not kissed anyone of the SAME sex. Broken a bone: wrist, finger, hand, thumb. Failed a class: that’s getting changed... Thought you were gonna die: next question Killed someone: in dreams, i think Cried over a boy/girl: i am stone. these erosion lines on my cheeks? must be the weather... Had a death in the family: yes. i don’t HAVE a fuckin family, they’re all dead. Talked on the phone for more then 5 hours: yeah. six i think. [-status ; right now-] Wearing: jeans boxers long sleeve Eating: niente Talking to: personne Phone with: no Drinking: fresca. why? Listening to: nothing yet. --- When was the last time you... Smiled?: umm .. i dont know. Laughed? umm... i dont know... REALLY laughed? maybe eastern standard. Cried?: march. fuckit. Bought something?: mountain dew. Danced?: i don’t dance. Were sarcastic?: dinner. at sister. fucker. Kissed someone? july. fuck. i love it when things “don’t mean that.” helloooo, ladies! Talked to an ex?: italian yesterday. technically. Watched your favorite movie?: i havent watched a movie in a while. Had a nightmare?: i don’t dream anymore. Last book you read: i’m in the middle of six books. they are mostly nerd books. i rock! last movie you saw: uhm...? Last song you heard: i dont know. Smoke?: cigs? do i look like i want to die? Have sex?: er... technically never... or back in december. Sleep with stuffed animals?: cats. close enough. Live in the moment?: sometimes too much. Have a dream that keeps coming back? no. Play an instrument?: i played flute in fourth grade. i wanna learn piano, guitar. Have any gay or lesbian friends?: soitenly. Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: like the diaper. (depends) Have a favorite candy?: skittles and reese’s Have any secrets?: can’t keep track of em. Have any pets: 3 cats. one sister. Have any piercings?: prince adams. Have any tattoos?: involuntary. (pencil lead) Have an obsession?: whatsherface, um, oh that’s right, she makes my brain melt when i look at her, no wonder i can’t remember... Collect anything?: baggage. cellulose. bags under the eyes. age. negative wisdom. caffeine addictions. etc. Wish on stars?: fuck stars. Like your handwriting?: it’s illegible and completely irregular. i never write the same way twice. Have any bad habits?: hahahahhahahahhahahahahha i can’t count that high Care about looks?: are ya kidding me? | |
| Friday, January 18th, 2002 | ||
| 11:30 pm | agh! whoa, what the fuck?! i just realized what i'm writing in this thing!! what the hell am i doing?!? do i really want ANYBODY to be able to read this? FUCK NO! not only that, i sure as hell don't want some people i DO know to read this. goddamn, i put down some of the most personal shit about me, and i didn't even think about it. talk about careless. that was the first 2 seconds of panic. then i remembered, oh wait, that's just one of my defenses. anyways. lots has been happening. no school today, i woke up at 910 anyways. feel like a fucking failure, ashamed of the fact i can't get my fucking shit together. i couldn't fall asleep last night, not til nearly 5:30 am. fuckin' lonely. i feel weak cause i engaged in fantasy-masturbation. that's my undignified term for playing through your fantasies in your head, not sexual though. you just amuse yourself with different scenes. it's better than what i usually do, i think. i usually play through scenes where absolutely everything that can go wrong DOES go wrong. girls reject me, i fail classes, people tell me what they really think of me. i have elaborate fantasies of walking into school and jsut having everyone hate me. and part of me just crumples, and part of me revels in this, you-deserve-this type shit, this is the way it should be. sors-toi de ces pretextes. say what you feel. i always want to know that corner that people don't and will NEVER say. i think doing this, playing through the kind of scenes that would make me break down and weep, that's probably kind of unhealthy. on another note, i was reading some livejournals, and what really struck me is how much i fuckin' hate emo. FUCK YOU!!! i have to go now but i'll give my reasons later. | |
| Wednesday, January 16th, 2002 | ||
| 10:18 pm | ||
| Tuesday, January 15th, 2002 | ||
| 9:31 pm | fucking christ... i think that if i could do one thing for humanity before i died, if i had one wish that i could use to somehow better the human condition, i'd get rid of bulimia, anorexia, and the rest of them. preferably, that would happen tomorrow. i'm not a licensed therapist, i haven't done much reading about eating disorders, i don't know how to treat people. but i swear to any god out there, i'd give ANYTHING to be all that now, while people need it, i swear on everything i hold holy, i can't help and i want to so badly and it drives me crazy.. i feel like i'm going to cry, out of frustration, out of rage, out of empathy, i don't know. i can't talk anymore about it now. | |
| Sunday, January 13th, 2002 | ||
| 2:29 am | nick curley's a sexy bitch with long hair. had such a great time last night. well, the second half. the first half just sucked. why are things always so damned awkward? why doesn't she TALK? argh.. whatever. i saw taking steps. after the show, i went out with a bunch of southies i hadn't seen in a while, plus a couple i didn't know. all cool people. all friendly and welcoming. i realized that hanging out with them was maybe the first time since last year i had felt really comfortable and like i was WANTED, not just tolerated (that excludes a few people, but you know who you are). i had a really good time, i was hyper and flirty and ON, like i haven't been in ages... it felt great. not like it feels at school. it made me decide to stop hanging out in red and riley, those people just make me feel like shit, through snobbiness, self-absorption, bitchiness, coldness, whatever. going to hang with people i like, or no one at all. that feeling of just being tolerated makes me feel sick. i've been down for too long. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of a lot of things. i'm REALLY sick of people who, when i pull back from them at all, get offended, claim to care so much about me, value me so much, don't understand what's going on, are so close to me, the whole bullshit, all the meantime their body language, their actions, every unconscious clue that can be conveyed, points in the opposite direction. maybe they don't realize how they act until how they feel comes into question, at which point they realize that maybe they do like me, but a) i doubt it and b) that doesnt matter at all, if you don't think of how your actions affect other people, if you're not conscious of or willing to watch how you act towards me, fuck you. anyways. then i got home and talked to one of those girls who fuck with me, and, well, she fucked with me. and that sucked.. and bad news on the one i'm pursuing. somewhat. just means i have to be amazing. get in fuckin shape. sleep. get rid of the bags under my eyes. be more confident. that last should come more easily once i start hanging out with other people. i'm sick of so many people, and i'm sick of so much of my own crap. i think i know what's mostly wrong with me. why won't it get fixed? how do I fix it? ach. why can't i get mad enough to forget about people who don't care about me? more later. | |
| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2002 | ||
| 10:54 pm | minor epiphany mh, this just hit me, wanted to write it down before i forget. desire to feel wanted/needed --> reflection of want to feel like a good person, prove hypothesis that am evil = wrong --> rejections become affirmations that i am evil --> no wonder i feel way more like shit than most people do when i get shot down --> since lately all i've been getting is rejection, cold shoulder, snubbing, exclusion, whatever --> i've been really really down lately, feeling like shit about myself. if you follow that, you get a shiny gold star, cause i'm too tired to write it all out. | |
| Tuesday, January 1st, 2002 | ||
| 11:58 pm | makes sense i guess. plus i'm the same dude that eve is on the Empire Records test.
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| Monday, December 31st, 2001 | ||
| 1:58 pm | bummed i get the feeling that if i never went online, never was social, never talked to anyone first, never called people, just stayed quiet and quietly did my work in class, i would only speak to a couple people i know for the rest of my high school career. that's really really pathetic. i get the feeling i can't do anything right. finishing cleaning my room will require use of machetes, oxygen tanks, crampons, pickaxes, and several sherpas. classes, i know i could do it all, but for some reason i keep making myself screw up. am i afraid of failure? afraid of acheiving potential? i think i keep making myself fail cause of my father. he never was something to look up to; i can't base my model of success on failure... i can't surpass my dad. so i've gotta keep knocking myself down just so i have a father figure. and i know this and realize this, so why doesnt the damn problem go away? maybe its not the right thing, although it certainly fits. fuck. i'm nothing but depressed these days. girls just make me sadder and sadder, each and every one.. well, maybe not one. i called her. she was busy on the night i asked if she was free, but sounded like she might like to do something else; responded positively to making future plans. thats good. i think. everyone says its very good. i don't know. we'll see in school. but i'll look like a mess in school. my hours are horrible, i'm disgustingly out of shape, i have a lot of make up work. cant miss any more school. gotta be perfect. gotta sleep. gotta add more stuff. i look at the stanford site and want to break down. my odds are not super. if i don't get in there, i'm gonna be a wreck. i've got to learn to keep my damn mouth closed too. i don't think i'm just sitting and feeling sorry for myself, but i could be wrong. i just feel like going away. leaving one morning and becoming a beach hermit. oh. i think i just kinda realized why i react so harshly to criticism or negative feedback. its not just that positive reinforcement shit my parents pulled with me. i'm convinced i'm bad at my root. like, a bad person. that's why my self-esteem is shitty. thats why i keep fucking myself up. not just the father shit. i think i'm bad, and i refuse to have tests, people, grades, friends, or anything completely annihilate that belief. so i can submerge it in all that above stuff, but at some level it's still going to be there. just not consciously expressed. so like freud says, push a bubble down, another one pops up. me screwing myself up is a sort of either punishment for being bad, or its the part of me that thinks i'm bad trying to express itself, through destruction etc. but that's also why i take criticism, rejection, negative responses etc so personally. it coincides perfectly with what i think to be true about myself. so every time that happens, i think to myself "yeah, they're right. i'm a piece of shit." and i go and feel crappy. maybe that's what's happening these days. this deep funk i'm in doesn't seem to be coming from one isolated incident. i think it's a collection of many many criticisms. that also fits with the fact that i'm my harshest critic. any opportunity i get to call myself bad and evil, perfect, i take it. i'm not perfect. but i think i should be. and when i'm not, i'm therefore an evil, bad person, and feeling like that is punishment for not being perfect, as is destroying my odds of success. so, questions to think about. why am i evil? why am i bad? what's made me think i'm such a godawful bastard? and is this really the cause of my funk? and how do i fix it? | |
