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[01 Feb 2002|04:00pm] |
Thursday, January 31, 2002
04:25:10 AM
Snowing, snowing, snowing.. it's so pretty. What a drastic change. It looks like school may still be happening though, how depressing, people shouldn't build these things up.
I think I'm sick. Yesterday when I was sitting in class, I was looking out the window, watching the snow fall, and suddenly my vision shifted, rather violently, and everything went blurry. After a moment everything was okay again, but it happened again, in Algebra, a couple hours later. I'm trying not to think about it as I'm sure that'll only lead to a panic attack, I wish I had a chance to sit down and catch up on reading everyone's livejournals and such, I've had to sneak on in my two hour block ITA class, or go borrow jesse's computer for a moment to be able to update at all.. and updating in ITA is horribly risky, as the network is monitored and I'll get my computer rights taken away, and be dropped from the class if I am caught.
My father isn't here, which is odd, if he's not here by the time I need to get to school then I'm going back to sleep. My kitty likes watching the snow fall.. me too.
I'm thinking about just plopping down in the snow first thing tommorow morning, in front of the school and making a snow-angel.. but then I'll be all wet, for a bit.. hrm.
My father has some awful, red wine in the fridge that I've been drinking, yech, I think that I need a vacation, a long, vacation.
Beautiful, beautiful snow, it's so cold.. falling stars, damn it. I'm getting frustrated and my vision just shifted again, I'm afraid.
I'm wrapped up a blanket, that someone made for me, it's wonderfully soft, it's got cresent moons, and stars, and some fancy circle things.. on a blueish backdrop, it's very warm, and soft.. thank you. I hate me.. angels wings.. god bless..
07:35:57 AM
No school, good. My father still isn't here either, which is odd, but good. I guess I'll use today to get a bit organized (my room is trashed) and get caught up on a few assignments I've missed in school. I wish that the hot water in my shower lasted longer than ten minutes.. feh.
Silk, soy milk, is pretty gross, the vanilla flavor is way too strong, yech. I wonder what I'll do today. If my father doesn't come home then I'll just write and listen to music all day..quiet, content, if he does come home, I'll flee to my room, sleep a lot, listen to less music, and listen to it through headphones, and write while hiding in my own little drywall and 2x4 prison. My kitty is happy atleast.
Snow, snow, snow, I did my snow dance, I guess it worked, word.
08:12:07 AM
My father is home, bleh. Meow, meow, meow says the kitty.. goodness.
12:52:20 PM
I watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and kept falling asleep every few minutes, then waking again, sleeping on the floor is not very comfortable, but I managed to drag my the large pillow from my room to use, and I finished off that rotten red wine.. I wonder if my Father will notice and beat me into a bloody mess. Probably.. if I know him as well as I think I do.
I just went running, not for very long, for three minutes or so, as fast as I could, I haven't run in a long while or else I wouldn't have mentioned it, now my mouth is dry.
My father left again, to go plow snow, or something like that.
Beautiful, quiet, cold, lonely day..
02:51:54 PM
I'm a failure. I've accomplished next to nothing, notable, in my life. I'm lazy, and worthless, and I've never had a job. I'm a human leech, I'm a grumpy, mumbling idiot, and I do nothing about it. Forever crippled by years of drug use.. I don't want to be alive, but I'm terrified of death. I feel if I were dead this world would be a better place. The countless people I make suffer, or bother in one way or another each day would be much happier I'm sure. One less mouth to feed, one less jerk to deal with.. no more pain.
I don't have the energy to try, I am without hope and I doubt I'll ever regain that. I've seen too much to even try and hope. I've ruined my chance, I've got nothing to call my own, nothing I earned, nothing that was not given to me, or stolen.
I haven't eaten in a long time, I think I should, to avoid "vein food". I hate me.. why the hell did I do what I've done, why didn't I think..? Because I'm an awful, evil, wretch, and the ugliest person I've ever layed eyes on..
I hate me, and do truely mean it.. I despise myself, to no end..
I'm sorry..
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