Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jessiepoo's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, November 14th, 2001
5:56 pm	violated violets. i feel disgusting and violated. i just went to get tested for STD's, and, i had a MALE dr. which means i can no longer say it's been 4 yrs since a man has touched me. and, i know i HAD to get it done, i just wish they would have warned me it was gonna be a guy! but, everything is okay so far [most of the test results take some time to do the cultures] so i guess something good came outta it. i was there for 3 fuckin hrs tho! grrr. waiting sucks. and, now, i have to wait for the test results. i know they're all negative... hell, i've only been w/ 2 ppl in the last yr, i just have to do the 'better safe than sorry' if it was just my own health at stake, i would probably be less likely to get tested, but since i'm putting everyone i sleep w/ [and i generally like the ppl i have sex w/] i don't wanna do anything to put any of them at risk. when was the last time you were tested?? i dont' care HOW many ppl you've been w/, i don't care if you've used protection every time. you need to get tested. hell, i'll fuckin go with you. [and, we'll find a female dr!] so, i want all of you to tell me if you've been tested. and BE HONEST. b/c, i will ask you questions you'd only know if you've had it done. wifey--- you need to go! and, do not argue w/ me. i'm in the mood to be an asshole today and not answer anyones emails. and, i'm gonna be an asshole and not do it. i'm just not in the mood to make small talk with complete strangers, even if they do have friend potential. [i've decided i'm not dating anyone right now, i need a break from being constantly dissapointed by ppl.] i'm in the mood to go out tonight, but i have too much homework... and, it's one of my friends 30 days sober [yes, her--call her!], so i should really go out w/ her tonight, but after spending 3 hrs in a waiting room, and having icky things put inside me, i'm not in the mood to go to an AA meeting... even tho i decided i'm gonna start going again.. not fanatically, but, like, once a week or something.... and, i'm gonna start meditating as well. haven't done it in WAY too long. also increased my excercise routine to 45 min of intensive arm/leg/ab work. i'm getting fuckin buff! i'm so proud o' myself. :] i'm really trying to do things to better myself right now. to concentrate on jessie instead of everyone else like i always do. so far i'm doing good... of course, it's only day 5, but, still! gotta look at the positive progress i've made. i've already told both the grrls i was 'whatevering' how things were gonna be [of course, i haven't heard back from either, but still! i let them have it!], been focusing more on the problems i'm dealing w/ right now, trying to not stress about things i'm not in control of. i'm getting way too therapy-ish right now... time to stop this journal. ~ x o <3 o x ~ jessie random facts * i want a new tattoo!!!! * i only use pink highlighters at school [big surprise, huh?] * i need a vacation. anyone wanna go on a road trip???? please say you do!!! [and, no, that doesn't apply to you if you live in another state--as much as i'd love to see my francesca or my poopie hed] Current Mood: dirty Current Music: joydrop ~ sometimes i wanna die [i <3 that song!] (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 13th, 2001
4:43 pm	hehee hee.. i got hit on by a female soilder at school today..... she walked by me and went "mmm mmm mmmm" Current Mood: hot (4 Comments |Comment on this)
2:09 pm	i'm so addicted to you, and you're such a dick to me... i just had a really great therapist appt. i really need to stop putting everyone and everything ahead of myself. need to realize that i am not superwomyn, i cannot stop things from happening that already have happened. and it's not my fault. i talked to her about a lot of stuff..... stuff w/ magan, stuff w/ rosalyn, stuff w/ myself. things about my parents, & the grrl i wanna sleep w/ who shall remain nameless b/c i can't sleep w/ her. the other grrl who'll be here in 2 weeks who i probably will sleep w/. i keep finding these grrls... and, they're all really incredible grrls, i get a long w/ them well, they're cute & sexy, there's chemistry there... and, then, it never works... and, i don't know if it's me doing something wrong, or just picking the wrong ppl.... it just gets soooo damn frustrating... to meet someone who you like, who likes you as well, and to have it fall apart. 4 failed relationships in 2 months. how is that possible? none of them seem to be my fault..... at least, the reasons that all of them ended were not things that i was responsible for, but, still, it gets really difficult to break up w/ 4 grrls, 2 of who you really like, & one who you love, in a period of less than 60 days. and, waiting right now to find out if the one that is most important to me is going to walk outta my life forever, that is VERY difficult. imagine waiting 4 days to find out if the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with is going to walk outta your life completely. and then, not knowing when she's gonna finally tell you. i need to distract myself. stop concentrating on all the bad things going on, start getting some good stuff in my life. need to start actually going out with my friends more. but maybe not the really hot ones, b/c that may cause a complication in the friendship ;] and, as nancy says, i need to not fuck ppl just for the sake of fucking them. now to tell my raging hormones that. ~ x o <3 o x ~ jessie random facts * apparently myrone just found out he's a father. i'm confused. * my buttons are poppin on this shirt. apparently my boobs grew again. * i'm rebuilding my webpage, and just added a new pic of me taken yesterday. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: lit ~ addicted (Comment on this)
Monday, November 12th, 2001
3:53 pm	isn't it lovely to be on a date with someone, and then to find out that they KISSED SOMEONE ELSE WHILE YOU WERE ON THE DATE????????? fuck womyn. i dont' think i can forgive her for that one. i was willing to overlook the other stuff, but, that, that... no. i'm in the mood to do something i really shouldn't do right now, but since there's no one to fulfill the other 1/2 of it, i dont' seem to have that option. Current Mood: angry (6 Comments |Comment on this)
10:02 am	the devil made me do it! don't you wish you could sometimes use that as an excuse?? rid yourself of any responsibility for your actions, just do whatever the fuck you feel like doing and not care about the consequences. there are a lot of things i'd do if other peoples feelings or opinions didn't get in the way. if my own concious [sp?] wouldn't weigh me down. i'd rob a bank. .... 7 banks... i'd keep most of the money for myself, give some to my friends, and some to charity [i know, i said i'd do what i wanted w/o others opinions getting in the way, but i would give to charity regardless of that] i would walk around naked all the time. even at school. i would sleep with whoever i wanted to. maybe even you. i would tell people what i really thought of them. like annoying katie from group who grabbed my boobs before. and that one person that i can't talk to about stuff, i'd tell her why. and it wouldn't hurt their feelings, they'd just say 'oh, okay. you're right, i suck, i'm going to move to nebraska now and you'll never have to deal w/ me again' or, maybe, maybe it would hurt their feelings.. but i wouldn't have any guilt over it. have you ever just wanted to hurt someone? have you ever actually done it?????? i know that i have in the past... and sometimes i get a lil bit of pleasure out of it... when there's someone that you just cannot stand, and they're not only annoying you, but everyone around you as well.... do you view me as a bitch for this? or do i get your respect for actually being honest? i tend to shield things in my lj... keep people from knowing what's really going on. i tell more in here than i do to most ppl irl tho... one of my formerly-very-close-friends once commented after reading my journal 'jessie, i didn't know about 1/2 of this shit!' but, i still feel that i have to edit what i say in here.... imagine what you guys would think if you actually got the whole story?? instead of only 60% of it... what would you do with that other 40%? the 40% that no one really knows about? there are 2 ppl in this world that know 25% of that.. and i think that both of them would be shocked by the other 15%.... what would you do if i unleashed myself... stopped restricting my entries in here, b/c i know that you would be offended/shocked/upset, and i would be embarrased/guilty?? what if i started treating others the way that they sometimes treat me... what if instead of internalizing all my +O problems this weekend, i had just done what i wanted to on saturday, and gone up to rosalyn and let her know how upset i was? or, gone and picked up some other grrl right in front of her.. just to show her how it felt to be ignored. what if i go up to that one taken grrlie that i really want, and just say 'fuck your relationship, i want you right now' and go for it? what about when my friend comes to town in 2 weeks, the one i've been crushing on for over a yr, who i know also has been crushing on me.. do i sleep w/ her even tho the grrl she's non-monogamously dating is in love w/ her? i have no obligation to this grrl she's seeing, do i just do what i want? will i? truthfully, probably. but i will most likely leave it up to her to make the first move. what would be my limit if i could just say 'the devil made me do it' and loose all responsibility? cover my body in tattoos? start using drugs again? tell people what i really think of them? cheat on my gf's? drop a penny from the top of the empire state building just to see how big the hole it would put in someones head really would be? cheat on my tests? drop outta school? get a 6 inch pink and blue mohawk? throw someone out of a 7 story window? wear leather? what would you do????? ~*random facts*~ * i didn't have two front teeth for 6 yrs. * my favorite colors are pink, blue, and silver. my room is all 3. * i sleep best when there's someone in bed with me. even if it's the puppy. Current Mood: devious (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 11th, 2001
12:50 pm	fuck females. i've had a bad grrl weekend. can you tell by my subject? warning: this is long. so, last sunday, magan and i were supposed to hang out [she asked me to] and, of course, she did the usual thing by ditching me w/o even a phone call-even tho i called her twice. monday morning, a 2 line email in my inbox, 'do you wanna go to see michelle malone on friday at stiletttos?' no apology, nothing. i email her back, bitching her out for dissapointing me for the millionth time. i call her 4 times during the week, leave messages on the machine, so she must have gotten at least 1 of them [plus in my emails i told her i was gonna call her]. she of course doesn't call me back, and i, like the idiot that i am, kept my friday night free on the off chance that she called[i know, completely pathetic]. so, friday comes, i sit at home by myself. i go to get some dinner [mmmm, boston market!] and, as i'm waiting in the drive-thru line, a new song by lit comes on... addicted.... and there are a few lines that REALLY stuck out.. the first, *i'm so addicted to you.. and you're such a dick to me* and the other *i call you all the time, you never call me back* [or something to that effect] so, after my week of complete and utterly being ignored by her, i sent her the song lyrics, along w/ a letter telling her that i'm done. done being the only one to make an effort to keep up this 'friendship'. done being the only one who calls. done being the only one who makes an effort to go out and see each other. so, i told her. no more phone calls from me. no more trying to hang out w/ her. if she wants to talk to me, she calls me. if she wants to see me, she asks me. and, [the hardest part of this] is that i told her that if she can't make the effort to have me in her life, she will loose me forever. and, that is NOT something that i want to happen. i am so in love with this grrl. i totally believe we'll be together for the rest of our lives, but... not when she acts like this.... i know it's really hard for us to see each other and pretend that we're just friends.... hell, we do NOT do good at accomplishing it at all, since we always end up kissing. BUT, the fact that she never calls me, that really hurts.... because, if you care about someone as much as she says she cares about me, well, you don't treat them like this... so, i'm finally putting my foot down... 2 months after i said i would [if you find the entry titled 'little hands' from WAY back then, you'll read all about it], 7 chances after i told her that that was the last chance she had..... i just hope she doesn't end things.... i don't know what i'll do if i loose her. so, that was my friday...... sitting in front of a computer screen balling b/c i may loose the love of my life. and, sat, i was supposed to meet rosalyn at the club right?? well, i went there, along w/ about 20 [or more] ppl that i know... and, i sit around for QUITE a while, dance a bit, she usually shows up at 11, but it's almost midnight, no rosalyn. so, 12 rolls around, she finally shows up a little bit later... comes up to me, gives me a lil kiss, we talk for a minute or two, she goes to dance w/ her friends.... so, i go to join her, thinking, 'well, we're on a date, we may as well dance together' and, apparently i was wrong in assuming that 'on a date=dance together' so she introduced me to all her friends, but danced w/ all of them and not me. so, i was kinda miffed, so i go dance w/ my friends since i'm being ignored. later on, i try and find her, she's missing for 15 min. then, i have to find some of my friends, spend a while doing that, come back, find her, start to dance w/ her, and she walks away. [and there was another time earlier when i went up to talk to her and she walked away as well] so, 3 times i try to talk to her, 3 times i get ignored/left. i 'm pissed. an hr has gone by. it's now 1. i spend about a 1/2 hr standing in the same spot, she doesnt' come over. [i stopped trying at this point b/c i was getting nothig] i go dance, 'lets get it on' comes on [alisonians and my song, and the signal that it's the end of the night] so, i hug all my friends, make a bee line for the door, and completely pass her by, not even saying goodbye to her, b/c i am *done* w/ grrls who ignore me. i'm sure she'll email me, upset that i didn't say goodbye, and, when she does, i'll explain my reasoning, tell her that that is not acceptable when you're dating jessie, [along w/ the fact that she never calls me back] and if she wants to continue seeing me she can't completely ignore me for 2 hrs. i'm just in a really pissy mood today, and i think you can see why. grrls suck. random facts. * i'm going to become a nun. * i have a ton of homework to do * i'm wearing green pajama bottoms w/ dancing blue munkees Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 10th, 2001
7:26 pm	grrrrls just wanna have funnnn!!!!!! so, i'm home for now, but, not for long..... going to the wifeys to meet up w/ alisonian, kate, and kates friend, than to the club where lina, ashley, and rosalyn are gonna be. i'm so excited to see ashley! it's been sooooo damn long since i've seen the grrl, and she's such a sweetie. i'm lookin eXtra cute today [as i was told at affirmations] so im also happy i'm gonna see rosalyn.. missed her last week even tho she was in town.. hopefully i can convince her and her friend brandy [they're minus lisa now, brandy and her broke up] to go out to eat after the club.. il'd like to see the grrl in a non dark-smoky-place for once. [aside from my car *eVil grin*----- of course, i wouldn't mind seeing her in my car again. ;] so, i must stop talking to toni online and go get cute..... oh- made 2 new mix cd's last night--- one called <3 story, chronicalling the start and demise of a relationship, and the other 80's rock the beat, which has my fun 80's driving music. ~ x o <3 o x ~ jessie random facts * i wrote a very difficult email last night, and am really worried about what the consequences of it may be... i may write about it tomorrow. * i love my phone! it's silver and oh-so-pretty * on my puter desk is the puter [duh] a glass mug w/ pens/pencils in it, burned cd's, my phone, some pieces of paper w/ random shit written on it, a photo of me, sarah, and michelle in weird super-k clothing from my 20th b-day party, a pencil sharpener, and a plethora of computer disks. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: cyndi lauper ~ grrls just wanna have fun (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 9th, 2001
1:42 pm	oops i forgot my random facts earlier today. * last night, i was outside smoking and talking to jess, when a BAT flew at my head. it swooped at me 3 times, and came w/in a foot of my head. SCARY SHIT!!!! * i just got my hair cut, and he made the comment that i'd probably go home and re-style it, which i did, but now i realized i left my headband there, and i have to go back and get it, but i can't b/c i just came home and re-styled it and i'd feel like an idiot.. so, i guess i'll get it tomorrow. * i'm listening to april march. Current Mood: i'm ~*cute*~ Current Music: april march ~ voodoo doll (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:10 pm	see meant shoos *starts dancin around* i'm stayin in town this weekend!!!!!! yes, i know, you all thougt i was gonna go see rosalyn, well, instead, she's coming down here, AND so is kristine, PLUS, my friend ashley who i haven't seen in almost a yr is gonna be at teh bar on saturday. so, yay! happiness!!! i'm spending so much damn money this week. bought a bunch of new clothes [including a new pair of black pet-able pants! woohoo! always get the ladies when i wear those!] a new coat, scarf/hat/gloves, getting my hair done in a 1/2 hr, 3 new pairs of shoes, plus i need to take my car in to get the wheels aligned [we think that could be wha'ts wrong] or *possibly* get the transmission fixed. grrr..... aim keeps booting me... and i'm trying to talk to someone too...... well, i'm gonna stop writing so i can go check on my friends in their journals... ~ x o <3 o x ~ jesssie Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: sixpence ~ kiss me (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 8th, 2001
6:49 pm	~> insert wonderful insightful quote here <~ my new coat is SOOOOOOOOOO cute! Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
11:15 am	i feel like i've been blown apart, there are pieces here i dont' know where they go i'm getting my new coat today. yay! it's red and white checked wool, the colors blend together to make it look pink, but not pink. looks very 60's. does anyone know how to crochet? i want a winter hat like the one i saw at dally in the ally. it basically looked like a hood, but it wasn't... i'm willing to pay you to make it... either w/ $$, food [i make the best chocolate chip cookies you will ever eat in your life, plus i make really good porkchops & stuffed peppers], some sort of artwork, or whatever else it is that you want & i'm able to provide. in a way i'm happy that michelle started talking about sex on here, b/c now i can w/o feeling guilty. i'll just instruct kattie hogan to cover her virgin ears. i've been slacking lately. spending my breaks btwn classes on the puter instead of doing homework like a good lil grrl. i would make a comment here but i think it's too far too soon, since michelle only corrupted lj a few days ago. i need to get my natalie tickets. rosalyn needs to call me so i can find out if we're going together. i found the perfect x-mas present for her if we're still dating in dec... a keith harring watch... her fav. artist, and she just lost her k.h. zippo. she's a great grrlie.. whispers sweet nothings in my inbox.. it's great to feel desired. i still don't know if i'm going to lansing this weekend. if not, i'm going to stilettos, ashley's gonna be there! i haven't seen her in almost a yr.. i miss the grrlie! well, i should probably go do the rest of my homework... whether i actually accomplish that task we will discover later. i <3 you all!!!!!! ~ x o <3 o x ~ jessie random fact time! * i need to get laid. Current Mood: horny Current Music: merril bainbridge ~ mouth [insanely wonderful song!] (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
3:33 pm	1, 2, buckle my shoe, 3, 4, shut the door i'm obsessed with numbers. patterns. my odometer is one of my favorite toys. the numbers on the trip-mileage match the numbers on the overall-odometer. they form fun patterns. 2208055 [it looks better in my car, the 2's and 5 look the same] 123456. 777777. i'm always looking for patterns in things. numbers, words, drawings. the last digits of my phone numbers spell out ACME and FOX2. my birthday is june 9th, 1980. 69--makes it so no one can forget my b-day--well, except for little hands, but she cant' remember anything-- and they're reverse mirror images. i know, i'm weird. but, it makes me happy................................... i don't know what i would do if anyone reset my trip-odometer. ~ x o <3 o x ~ jessssie random fact * i don't drink caffeine. i told this grrl i was on a date w/ that, and she decided to buy a caffeine free pepsi as well. poor grrlie! *sorry!* Current Mood: nerdy Current Music: benny goodman ~ don't mean a thing if it aint got that swing (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:58 am	"..are you just saying that cuz i'm winning??......." "yeah, i'm a really sore loser..." all over me is SUCH a wonderful movie. and, the lines in there! woohoo! nothin works better than introducing that movie to some cute grrl [that you're either dating or interested in] and then using the line. you know the one i'm talking about. and, if you dont'.. you should come over and watch the movie w/ me. ;] ;] esp. if you're cute and single. so, doesn't it suck the way that a single person can completely color your day? of course in some situations that can be a good thing, but it wasnt' today. i was parking at school, where i always park, on this side street. not many spots, driveways everywhere. if someone doesnt' pull up right to the edge of the driveway, only one car can fit. so, i find a spot, it's close, i pull into it [this is parrallel parking on the street mind you] there's only room for 2 cars where i am in between these driveways, there's another car in front of me, w/ a guy in it. so, i inch into the spot, trying not to block the driveway behind me or hit the car in front of me. and, i'm really close to the guys bumper, but i'm not touching it. so, i put my car in park, and, when you put your car in park, it inches forward, right? well, mine did, and i guess that i tapped the guy in front of me. not hard at all, hell i didnt' even feel it, and i wasn't even going 2 miles per hr, it was just a lil tap, wasnt' gonna hurt his car at all. ppl have tapped me a MILLION times. so, i have my car in park, i open up the door to get out and see if i'm blocking the driveway behind me. i am, and, this guy sitting in his car in front of me is has room to inch forward so i'm not blocking the driveway [it's considered REALLY rude in ann arbor/ypsi to not pull all the way up to the driveways edge] so i knock on his window, and very politely ask if he could inch forward a little bit so i'm not blocking the driveway. and he looks at me all bitchy, and in this mean accusatory voice starts yelling at me 'did you just hit my car?' and, i'm just standing there, and i answer, 'well, if i did it wasn't intentional, when you put your car in park it inches forward, i didnt' realize i was that close to you, i'm sorry, but your car should be fine, i just tapped it' and he starts bitching at me, and yells 'i'm not parking in front of you you bitch' and drives off. now, i've heard of road rage, but PARKING RAGE???? he was such an asshole that he just made me all grrrrr. and i'm all worried that he's gonna do something to my car, b/c the way he was acting he seems mentally unstable. and, this wans't some young guy either, he was in his 30's. WACKY!!!!! that just made me in a bad mood, but then i went to class, and i found out i got an 82 on my sociology class, and am getting a B- in the class. [which will only get higher b/c they drop the lowest test score, and i only have 2 tests left which i will study my ass off for so i can get a good solid B], so i guess that's good..... i had a nice day w/ erin yesterday. i burned a cd for her [and now i'm gonna have the pet cd again! woohoo!] and then we went shopping, i found a new winter coat which with her new job discount [along w/ the 20% off it already is] i get for almost 1/2 price, and then we went to a meeting, which was really a good one. i needed to be at the first step table again, to remind myself that i'm powerless over drugs, esp. after last tuesday, b/c i almost relapsed. [i know, i know, but i DIDNT, so that's all that matters, and that's why i didnt' write about it in here.] ohhhh, and, speaking of cd's, i am a VERY happy grrlie! i was looking for one of my mp3 cd's [i store them on cdR's instead of my puter] and i happened to put in this one that had ALL MY 80's AND CUDDLECORE!!!!!! woooohoooooooo!!!!!!! that means that over 200 of the mp3's that i was missing i now have again! still dont' have my kill rock stars, riot grrrl, indie, or punk stuff, those are gone for good, but at least i have my 80's back! so, we'll concentrate on those happy things instead of the icky one from earlier today. i need to call ppl to make my weekend plans, but it's too damn early... i still haven't talked to magan about friday, and i need to call rosalyn about saturday and whether or not i'm gonna go to lansing. this random journal entry is done. but i've decided to put a random fact at the end of each journal again. ~ x o <3 o x ~ * i'm wearing overalls today. i feel like a farmer. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: blind mellon ~ no rain (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
12:54 pm	who put the ram in the ramma lamma ding dong KATTIE HOGAN!!!!! you need to keep an eye on michelle. did you read her last journal from yesterday????? what is this world coming to when mr. chelle is talking about getting laid???? well, erins' here, so i'm gonna end this. Current Mood: disturbed. (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 5th, 2001
9:48 pm	bad blast from the past....... oh my fuckin god!!!!!!!! if i have one more ex email me this week, i think i'm gonna have a fuckin heart attack. CORTNEY JUST EMAILED ME!!!!!! i apparently responded to her profile on planetout.. not knowing it was her... she was my first gf, the first grrl i slept w/, and either the first or second grrl i kissed [it was either amy, who i was writing about in the past few days journals, or her, but they were w/in 30 seconds of each other, so i dont' remember]..... she was one of the ppl that totally stabbed me in the back in h.s., the person i did drugs w/ all the time.. i am just in such a state of shock right now... i replied to her.. told her it was me [she didnt' realize i'd changed my name, and i'm *completely* different from who i was in h.s. so w/ my description of what i like and stuff she had no idea it was me... ] she apparentlyworks at prontos, which gives me one more place that i cannot go... somebody please stop the room from spinning.... this is outta control....... Current Mood: shocked (Comment on this)
4:38 pm	welcome to our happy home! so, rosalyn just emailed me, i never even ended up emailing her about the lack of communication..... turns out that she had to move. [last time i saw her, on halloween, her apartment had just flooded--turns out it got so bad that she had to move] so, she was really busy and unable o check her mail..... as for not calling me, well, i did mention that to her, and hopefully that'll change...... she even came down to see me this weekend, but didnt' email or call, just hoped i'd be at the bar, so i didn't know to go there....... so, hopefully i'll see her this weekend..... i also emailed magan a really long email about everything.... maybe she'll actually 'get it' this time.... instead of doing what it usually does, just floating in one ear and out the other.... it isn't intentional, it's just that i tell her stuff and she forgets... or, at least, she forgets the main reasons behind me being upset about stuff. she understands that i want her to call me, but she forgets that when she doesn't, i feel unimportant. so, i think that i got things straightened out w/ both of them.. at least, hopefully i did. and, if things aren't better, well, screw it! it's not like i'm even technically dating magan right now, even tho we both view each other as our gf's, so i really shouldn't be putting up w/ all this crap from her. i'm just retarded when it comes to her. i put up w/ things i wouldn't normallyput up w/, do things i normally wouldnt' do. whether that's a good thing [b/c it shows how much i love her] or a bad thing [b/c i'm not acting like myself] i dont' know.... i guess in a way i'm not acting that differnet, b/c i take more shit than i should from ppl, no matter who they are, it just seems that the more i care about a person, the more shit i'll take. and, if i'm dating a person, well, the shit level goes up.... i know i shouldn't take shit fromanyone, but i do... i may as well get 'welcome' tattooed on my forhead, being the the preverbial doormat that i am..... ahh! jessie, you're a dumbass. i know i deserve better treatment. even tho magan has DRASTICALLY improved, she still needs to do more work.... and eventually i'll make her do it or she'll loose me... but, right now, we're not together so i really can't yell at her for problems in our non-existant dating relationship. as far as friendship goes, well, no more shit from anyone!!! hehe, how many times have we heard that before?????? ~ x o <3 o x ~ jessie, full of empty promises that everyone, including herself, knows she won't keep. Current Mood: pathetic 4 my lack of a spine. Current Music: beck ~ loser (Comment on this)
10:48 am	what should i write to rosalyn????????????????? i cant' figure out how to word things w/o being all pissy and making it sound like we have more than the casual relationship that we have. i'm saving the letter as a draft to send later----please lemme send it to you and see what you think?? (Comment on this)
10:27 am	when ya call my name it's like a little prayer there's a really hot grrl on my mouse pad. i'm on the puters at school, and they have these really cheesy-ad mousepads, and this blonde grrl is fuckin H O T. i know, i'm always talking about hot grrls, and there are always so many i'm attracted to. but i seriously think that every womyn is beautiful. there isnt'a single person that doesnt' have *one* beautiful quality about them, whether it's internal or external. i just think that every womyn should be appreciated for those qualities. so, if i see a gorgeous [or 'plain'] womyn, with a beautiful smile, or eyes that can hypnotize you, i think that you should let her know how beautiful she is... which is why when i want to go talk to someone, whether i wanna hit on them or just make conversation, i always say 'i'm not trying to hit on you, i just wanted to make sure someone told you that you're beautiful today' [or that you have a beautiful smile,eyes, etc.] i just know that it always makes my day when someone compliments me, and it also makes me feel good to make someone else happy in that way... anyway.... so, i am talking to a lot of new net ppl lately... 4 in this last week, and all of them seem pretty cool. ruth esp. and she lives around here, which will be great if we end up getting along.... little hands ditched me last night.. didnt' even call. this morning, an email in my inbox asking if i wanna go see michelle malone on friday at stilettos. i bitched her out for letting me down again. how am i supposed to eventually be w/ this grrl if she keeps doing this shit? and, rosalyn, well, i think i'm gonna give up on her. i dont 'need another magan, and her lack of phone calls/emails and the way she stood me up on tues is getting to be a little toooo familiar. i like the grrl, we got along GREAT, lots o' sparks, but, i'm sick of always being the one making the effort. i'll have a talk w/ her about it, see if we can work something out, but even when i'm casually dating someone as i am w/ her, i like to have some sort of communication! not every day, but, like, once a week would be really nice. i think i'm gonna email her right now. ahhh, dating. i usually like to date ppl, but gawd, this is getting crazy! ~ x o <3 o x ~ jessie Current Mood: bored Current Music: cake ~ short skirt & a long jacket [is that the title???] (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 4th, 2001
7:36 pm	like, totally radical, dude! so, ther'es a bunch of great 80's stuff happening soon..... cyndi lauper is performing at space night club in dec. there's a facts of life reunion movie in 2 weeks. natalie merchant is playing in dec. (Comment on this)
6:05 pm	flowers forgotten omg!!!!! so, i LOVE michelle! b/c, she just emailed me to tell me that NATALIE MERCHANT IS COMING BACK IN DECEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am soooo soooo sooos ooooooo happy! and, i HAVE to go see her this time, and i'm going to make magan go w/ me [and whoever else wants to], b/c now she'll have enuf time to save up money!!!! so, this weekend was weird... i hung out w/ windessa on fri, and she's a really cool grrlie... and, the weird part is, i had totally forgotten that she dated shannon [p0p rawk shannon!!] for 4 months, and i used to talk to her all the time while they were together [morbidgirl666]... plus, we discovered even more ppl that we mutually know, bringing the number to about 30... which, is completely and utterly insane, but cool. so, we decided tthat it would be fun to go see amy [read the journal from wed], and windessa *said* she knew where she worked and lived.... so, it was in utica, and i figured, okay, it's far, *but* it's amy, so i have to go see her... but, windessa is apparently HORRIBLE at directions, so i ended up driving 180 miles instead of 130.. [round trip] which, when you have a lease car is an extremely bad thing... so, we got to her work after quite a long time of being lost, and it turned out she wasn't even working that day, even tho she was supposed to... so, as we're driving and talking, she mentions something about amy being 20, and i'm like, no way, she's older than me! and then, she mentions how tall she is, like, 6'3'' or something.. and, amy was only about 5'9 when i last saw her, and grrls usually dont' grow after age 18.. so, i figured maybe she lied about her age, and grew, sicne windessa had seen her pic and was sure it was her.... so, we decide after 3 hrs of looking for her work that we have to go to her house, even tho ti's 45 min farther... but, we had come all that way, so i had to see her... so, we get to the trailer park, and she's not home.... and, i'm about to leave her a note, and i ask her roomie 'just to make sure, her last name *is* conover, right', and he goes NOOOO.... so, yeah, we drove almost 4 hrs for nothing... and, then had to drive home... it SUCKED... and, my transmission is fucked up, so i'm gonna probably be car-less for a while..... after we got back to kristins [where windessa is staying] we hung out for a few hrs, i have a lot of fun w/ that grrlie.. she's cool, and i think we'll become friends. sat i just went to group, and then the photo project [magan came!!! *smiles a smile so insanely big that it could engulf all of europe*], and then i hung out w/ holly, chris, jenny, and lina, we went to the mall and took weird pics, then went to jennys and watched romy and michelles high school reunion. funny movie. :] today, i haven't really done anything aside from waiting for a phoen call that doesnt' seem to be coming. but, what can i expect, she ALWAYS does this. she's such a contradiction. she always tells me how much she loves me, how we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together, and how much she wants to be w/ me, how much it sucks we can't be together now... yet, she doesnt' CALL ME!!! yesterday she was being so cute, she was standing in front of me outside of aff, and i had the 'i really wanna kiss you' face [which she knows very well], and she kept teasing me, asking me what was wrong in her sexy-as-all-hell voice *drool*, knowing very well what was wrong, and kept inching closer to me until i finally kissed her.. [omg... i cannot even go into how incredible kissing that grrl is.... *shivers in antici-pa-shunnnn*].. and i was hoping that she would actually come thru and call me today.... maybe she will later on... i just dont' wanna get my hopes up and be dissapointed for the millionth time..... GRRRR!!!! 3 of the 4 grrls i've dated in the last 2 months haven't known how to pick up a phone. why do i attract the grrls who can't communicate?!? i *thought* rosalyn was gonna be different... she is in a way, i mean, when we talk, we really talk... but, she still is horrible at emailing and has never called me... i'm frustrated. i'm just ready to meet someone new.... someone who will actually keep promises and plans.. someone who will actually CALL ME..... am i asking too much????? are there any single, cute, slightly-weird *in the funky-fashion/indie-music sorta way, nto the creepy way*, funny, smart, honest, fun grrlies out there who actually know how to communicate and have a real conversation??? and, if you caught the rocky horror picture show reference earlier in this journal you get extra bonus points. if you exist, please come find me!! i promise, i'm cute, smart, and a wonderful gf [according to my ex's] ~ x o <3 o x ~ Current Mood: lonely Current Music: natalie merchant ~ like the weather (6 Comments |Comment on this)