yin and yang

[magpie's friends][magpie's journal]
[most recent entries][earlier][memories]
[calendar][magpie's aerie][text message][user info]

º hmn. º º saturday, 3.2.2002 : 9.15 pm º
not that i put a huge amount (or any) faith in these things, but i just got a funny fortune cookie...

"you are soon going to change your present line of work."

oh gods, i hope so. i really really do.
1 enchantment º cast a spell

º grr. º º thursday, 2.28.2002 : 5.36 pm º
 º   mood   º    angry   º 

didn't get the supervisor position i was eyeballing. got a lovely lil e-mail which says, in not as many words, "thanks, but no thanks." IOW, "what the hell were you even THINKING, applying for this position?"

i feel angry. i feel stupid. i feel frustrated and i want to go home, snuggle with my love and our furkids and sniffle and maybe even cry from frustration and disappointment. my supervisor said he thought i had a good chance. a few of my coworkers said the same thing. the thought of even the remote possibility of getting the position was something of an ego boost. the finalization of "no, you didn't get it... in fact, you don't even get an INTERVIEW"... it hurts. makes me remember my "place" here. i'm just another dime-a-fuckin-dozen wetback on the fucking phones.

i've been on the phones with this job since september of 2000. i've applied for a number of internal jobs, and you can see how well that's done for me, being still stuck on the same damn phones and all. i'm not even on different phones. still doing broadband tech support. hell, with the removal of tier 2, you could even say i've been demoted.

i find myself going back to the internal jobs page to see what else is hiring. i must be a glutton for punishment. mm. on second thought, i'm not really terribly interested in finding another job here. not here, anyways. i mean, how many times can you bang your head against a wall and say "jesus GOD this hurts" before you actually Stop Doing It?

11 enchantments º cast a spell

º tuesday, 2.26.2002 : 2.57 pm º
 º   mood   º    thoughtful   º 

so last night, i got hit with a migraine from hell. both sides of my head. (bartender, can i have a double shot of "kill me please"? thanks much.)

the lovely PG gave me the migraine remedy that moonbird had given her. for the record, ladies, that shit rocks the hizouse. i mean DAMN. took a while to kick in, but when it did? yay! and i had that weird migraine trippy brain, but without the intense craving for sweet merciful death.

so as i lay in bed last night (this morning), trying to go to sleep, my brain was thinking outside my head (lucky brain!). i've been trying to think of a way to put more content on my personal site. i've also been frustrated by some of the aspects of LJ.

so what i'm going to do is go through my LJ, from the beginning until present day, and look for any essays, thoughts, articles, etc that i've written that i want to be able to remember and re-read. and i'm going to put all the good stuff on my personal site.

this will accomplish several things. it will give me a reminder of what i had in mind for this journal, and perhaps allow me to get back to that. it will give me something to do. it may perhaps spark some of the creative juices that i can feel flowing under the surface.

in some ways, i feel like i've been sleepwalking. it being winter, i find this entirely appropriate, if a pain in the ass. spring is coming; yesterday it was so close i could touch it. now it seems to have danced just out of my reach. the wind whispers in my ear, teasing me with reminders of yesterday.

much as i would like to expound further on this subject, the time is nigh for me to get ready to go to work. actually, i have another 15 minutes or so, but i need to get in some snug time with my love. mmmm.... snugs.

6 enchantments º cast a spell

º saturday, 2.23.2002 : 10.36 pm º
okay. it was the chai. the friend who brought the the chai? she got one too, and she also is itching like mad. my arms are all red and sore and my fingers are starting to swell slightly and they're all red.

ARG! it fucking HURTS. it's all stingy and OW.

*whimper*

i really hope this sudafed helps. this really is irritating, in both meanings of the word.
7 enchantments º cast a spell

º grr º º saturday, 2.23.2002 : 9.45 pm º
ooooookay. apparently i really need to get tested for allergies. a friend at work offered me some salad at lunch. i had some. then another friend got me some chai.

between the lasagne, the salad (with balsamic vinaigrette) and the chai, SOMEthing i ate made me break out in itchy red spots. thank the gods i had some sudafed at my desk, cuz i was startin to go nuts. it wasn't a dull itch, like a mosquito bite. it was a sharp stingy ouwie itch. irritating as hell. and still here. sudafed hasn't completely kicked in.

christ, this is annoying.
cast a spell

º it doesn't get more symbolic than this. º º saturday, 2.23.2002 : 12.33 pm º
check out this dream i had this morning.

icarus and i were living in a house. not an apartment or loft, but a house. my dad had come to visit, which really is kinda weird, seeing as i've lived here for almost 6 years and he's visited me approximately once.

dad was sitting somewhere, holding my damascus kitty, cradling her like one would a baby. he said something to the effect of how we put too much energy into this kitty and that she needed to go outside for a while or something. i told him no, she's strictly an indoor cat. the few times she's gotten outside, she was terrified (this is true outside of the dream - i still have a scar from how freaked out she was when i tried to pull her out from underneath J&D;'s house).

so what does my dad do? he opens the door and tosses her outside. i shout NO! and run outside. of course, there are about 5 other cats out there too, all of them looking like damascus. but I Know My KittyGirl, and i instinctively knew when i looked at a cat that it was not my damascus.

i kept looking, and there she was, perched atop a telephone wire. she looked bigger, almost like a puma, but i new it was her. she saw me, left out a "aeiou", and started to tightrope-walk her way towards the house.

i was so nervous, saying "it's okay, sweetie... come on, you can do it." i was so upset that i was almost crying. she made her way to the roof of the house, and it being a slanted roof, she carefully worked her way down to the edge and then jumped. i was ready to catch her, but she got down all right on her own.

when she got to the ground, she had suddenly changed into a girl only slightly shorter than me. she had long blonde hair that came down to her waist. she smiled, hugged me, and said, "you didn't need to worry, i was fine. i knew what i was doing."

there the dream ended.
cast a spell

º words o' wisdom from da robster º º wednesday, 2.20.2002 : 3.58 pm º
cast a spell

º yay! º º wednesday, 2.20.2002 : 2.25 pm º
 º   mood   º    excited   º 
 º   music   º   rasputina - endomorph   º 

icaben comes home tonight! yay!

these past few days have made me realize that something i've said is actually true. i don't need him, but rather, i want him. this is something i knew before, but never really had it put to the test (or pop quiz, rather). i like it when i wake up to his voice. i like it when i fall asleep next to him when we're watching a movie. i love having him in my life. i could live without him, but life with him is so much more wonderful.

so yay! he's home tonight! yay!

now i just need to be patient and get through the day. hopefully, this won't be one of those "i'm waiting for something to happen, therefore the day is required by some unwritten law to drag on as if we were stuck in a vortex where time travels at one tenth its normal rate" sort of things.

i know once i get to work, it'll be better, cuz sitting at home and being lazy (which i have been this morning, quite thoroughly) is not condusive to making time pass. unless of course, there's sleep involved. and i've slept enough. or at least, my body won't let me sleep any more, no matter how much i might need/want it at the moment.

can't wait to see my icaben. want to see him now! now! now, i tell you!

3 enchantments º cast a spell

º i succumbed to temptation... º º tuesday, 2.19.2002 : 9.54 pm º
cast a spell

º grr? º º tuesday, 2.19.2002 : 12.32 pm º
 º   mood   º    weird   º 

how bizarre. i woke up in a completely foul mood. no idea why. i just feel like being grumpy to someone. like there's this need to just be rude to the next person i see.

how very odd. i have no idea why. maybe it's because i woke up stiff and sore. or maybe because i woke up several times because the bigger of the two fur kids was having a barking fit. or maybe just because i didn't get to wake up to the sweet face that i so dearly love to see in the mornings.

i feel strangely detatched. like i'm observing this funk from the outside. i feel it, but i feel separated from it.

i look at my to do list and feel grumpy. i feel lazy. but at the same time, i want to get some of it done. grr.

2 enchantments º cast a spell

º yay for new LJ icons... º º tuesday, 2.19.2002 : 3.51 am º
 º   music   º   rasputina - transylvanian concubine   º 

i saw this one on someone else's LJ, and very shamelessly have stolen it. i've been looking for an icon of these lil guys for a while, and the fact that it's animated made it all the more enticing.

so. turn green with envy as you admire my new icon thingie.

1 enchantment º cast a spell

º yeeps º º monday, 2.18.2002 : 5.22 pm º
 º   mood   º    tired   º 
 º   music   º   rasputina - sister sleep   º 

apparently, i was not meant to get much done today.

couldn't get the insurance taken care of. grrrr. this does not make me happy. hopefully, it will be taken care of tomorrow. pfeh.

went out to staples, found what i needed. got to the counter. realised i didn't have my wallet. *sigh* drove back home, got wallet. got what i needed to set up the printer, yay. went to borders, picked up a lil sumfin for myself. came home, and after much fiddling and downloading of drivers, installing ink cartridges, etc etc, the printer is now set up. it's not printing as well as i remember it, grr. granted, it's a bubble jet, not a laser jet, so the quality isn't going to be all that great, but it's better than nothing. it will serve my purposes quite well.

so now i'm installing the software for the cd-labeller kit i got a while back. w00t.

it's 5:30. i'm wiped. i think i'm going to clean the bedroom for a bit, do the stuff up there that's on my to do list for that room, and then game until it's time for date night. i must remember that my to do list is only as enforced as i make it. while these are things i want to get done, no one will slight me or scold me for not getting them done in a timely fashion.

sometimes i forget these things. so now, i do computerly things and enjoy the new cd i got... yay for rasputina!

cast a spell

º monday, 2.18.2002 : 1.36 pm º
 º   mood   º    tired   º 

so i have this huge list of things i want to accomplish in the next few days, including getting my insurance situation straightened out at cleaning the hell outta this place.

my bank is closed today. effing presidents day. this means i can't get the neccessary information from them to clear up some Issues, but it wouldn't really matter, one way or the other.

this to do list was to be spread out over the next few days, with most of it getting done today, since today is my day off. however, it doesn't look like the insurance will get resolved today, and since it's not resolved, i have no idea how much i'm going to have to fork out to GET it resolved. meaning, i have no idea how much of the other things on my list i can actually get accomplished.

*sigh*

after almost 2 hours of dealing with various insurance companies, i'm bloody tired. i just want to nap. but i also want to get things done. i have an idea of the most money i'd have to fork out in the next day or two for insurance, so that leaves me some leeway.

i'm going to go get ink cartridges for my printer, and maybe some new music to listen to while i install the drivers and such for said printer. then, i'm going to finish up some cd's i'm making for a friend so i can get them sent off (finally!), and putter around with the various cleaning things around the house.

then... tonight... tots and maybe an adult bevmage at the highlander. lookin forward to seeing the worlds coolest barmaid and the always-nifty PG. hopefully moonbird will be able to make it as well.

i must get at least a few things done, so that today is not wasted, and so that i don't get frustrated or overwhelmed with my list. i must ignore the call of both pillows and PSO. i must get off my butt, get some lunch (just realized that i'm starving), and Get Stuff Done.

PG, moonbird, i have the cell on me, call me iffen you wanna clarify plans for tonight, if they need clarification. or call me if you want to kvetch about how evil insurance agencies are. or just whatever.

cast a spell

º *blink* º º thursday, 2.14.2002 : 9.40 pm º
 º   mood   º    weird   º 

just spoke with my mom. learned two things that weirded me out.

1. her mom was proud of me in her own weird way; she believed that i was, as my mom put it, "special in the intelligent way", and wanted to be a mentor to me. however, she couldn't get past her judgements and meanness to get to the mentor part.

2. mom said that nana joan died of a rare condition. i asked what it was, she said, "now, i don't want you to worry about this. this has nothing to do with you." i told her to just tell me what it was. apparently she had candida albicans in her heart.

*blink*

IOW, she had candidiasis in her heart.

i have candidiasis.

*blink*

mom says that the doctor told her the condition is extremely rare, the candidiasis in the heart. but still. seems like there's a number of things telling me that i Need To See A Doctor about the candidiasis. no more self-diagnosis, no more self-treating. i'm going to get this shit Looked At.

i have to admit, this has me freaked.

1 enchantment º cast a spell

º thursday, 2.14.2002 : 8.42 pm º
 º   mood   º    thoughtful   º 

haunting

cast a spell

º grr. º º thursday, 2.14.2002 : 4.46 pm º
i so adore my family. no, i never want to throttle them, why do you ask?

*sigh* )

º grr º º wednesday, 2.13.2002 : 5.36 am º
 º   mood   º    cranky   º 
 º   music   º   portishead - sour times   º 

why the bloody hell does anyone put caffeine in chamomile tea? christ. no wonder i can't sleep. i've tried.

but here i am, back at the computer. *sigh*

i didn't want to be alone tonight. i hate it when i don't want to be alone. it's not so much that i prefer being a loner, it's more that i really don't like the feeling of not wanting to be alone with myself, with my thoughts.

tried to read a bit. failed. brain wouldn't let me. tried to sleep. no go on that either, damn tea. so i poked around with some HTML, figured some nifty tricks for the otherwonders forums, yay. then i remembered that before i went to chicago, i'd taken some pictures of damascus. so i downloaded them onto the computer from the digital camera. ahhhh... fuzzy therapy.

furkids are good for that. after this post i'm going to go upstairs and hope that this time, i'll be able to sleep.

so, here are some pictures of my fuzzy ball of angst also known as damascus:
stretching on the stairs
cuteness like kryptonite
cute in a cranky sort of way
caught mid-meow

okay. bed. gonna try this whole sleep thing again.

5 enchantments º cast a spell

º can't sleep º º wednesday, 2.13.2002 : 3.03 am º
conversation from this weekend...

    grandma: i remember when your grandfather was dying, he said he wished he believed in an afterlife. that way, he and i could be together again.

    me: i think there is an afterlife... at least, i like to think so. i like the thought that someday, i could see you healthy and happy and strong again. i think grandpa's waiting for you somewhere.

the look on her face nearly broke my heart. i know at that moment, she wanted to cry, but wouldn't. so right now, i'm doing it for both of us.

º wednesday, 2.13.2002 : 12.32 am º
 º   mood   º   inspired   º 

these make me want to start learning flash. i'm not sure if that bothers me or not...

i can smell your brains
i've been a bad kitty

5 enchantments º cast a spell

º updates º º sunday, 2.10.2002 : 9.39 pm º
 º   mood   º    tired   º 

well... i'm feeling somewhat closed up and private, but i said i would post updates, and i don't want people to worry, so here are some updates.

yesterday sucked ass. not enough sleep or protein. and i had to fly. i hate flying. and i was flying to chicago. i hate chicago. it was rough.

today was better, moodwise, anyways. seeing grandma was rough; not as rough as yesterday, but yesterday it was more of a shock. i didn't know what to expect, and it was all pretty intense.

i forgot my cell phone charger in atlanta (doh!), so i went to pick one up today. i had to leave it off in the hospital, so it was off all day; if anyone tried to call and there was no answer, that was why. it's currently charging up, and i may be calling people tomorrow or whatnot.

i keep forgetting what day it is and how long i've been here. it's all very disorienting. in one way. i'm just emotionally exhausted, but in another, i don't want to go to sleep. it feels like it's too early for that.

i'm not going to post gory details. it feels too raw. i don't want to expose my most recent wounds to the general public. they're too sore and fresh. i don't want to think about them, i don't want to type them, and i don't want them to be available for the entire world to see.

i may post more later, but now i am currently eating an apple and don't want to get the keyboard all sticky.

i am looking forward to going home. i'm thinking i will go home in a day or two and take a day off from work to recoup. this has been a really fucked up week. bleah.

5 enchantments º cast a spell

[most recent entries][earlier]

[florilegium] [fly to other skies] [magpie's saga]
[menagerie] [sensual stimuli] [wish i may]

©1998-2002, magpie hrafnsdottir
magpie @ otherwonders.com