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Tuesday, November 13th, 2001
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11:44 pm - midnight radio
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Rain
Falls
Hard
Burns dry
Or a song
That hits you so hard.
Filling you up,
And suddenly gone.
Breathe
Feel
Love
Give
Free
Know in your soul
Like your blood knows the way
From your heart to your brain.
Knows that you're whole.
And you're shining
Like the brightest star.
A transmission
On the midnight radio.
And you're spinning
Like a 45
Ballerina
Dancing to your rock and roll.
Here's to Patti
And Tina
And Yoko
Aretha
And Nona
And Nico
And me.
And all the strange rock and rollers,
You know you're doing all right.
So hold on to each other.
You gotta hold on tonight.
And you're shining
Like the brightest stars.
A transmission
On the midnight radio.
And you're spinning
Your new 45's
All the misfits and the losers
Yeah, you know you're rock and rollers
Spinning to your rock and roll.
Lift up your hands.
~hedwing and the angry itch
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(comment on this)
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3:24 am - took my love and i took it down...
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i wish i hadn't lost my capo..
i want to play landside on my guitar without sounding like peter murphy...
(although i can do it)
i want to be able to play it and sound like that guy from the smashing pumpkins
hi!
i've had a few beers..
reading an old love's old journals...
you know what?
the only person that really loved me.. really fucking love me.. really loved me in a way i need..
she loved me too much... just too much.. she just wouldn't put me in my place when i needed to be.. thats all.. if she had.. if she had.... ............. don't you all get it? i will push the limits.. .. all the limits.. i just need you to say NO! i will not put up with that! ...... i wonder what would have happened if she had ever done that.... you never know..
and now.. it is far to late..
now i can honestly say never never..
although i would have had her in my bed a few weeks ago if she would have wanted it to be..
*shocked*
yes.. i admit it
learn the lesson girls...
don't put up with all of the shit men like me will give you...
we are the best
i know
i really do know..hehe
but really... we need a little bit of a threat
we need to know that you won't put up with too much..
b/c we have to push the limits you know?
it's our nature.
please
please
please
let me know my limits
tell me..
"FUCK YOU!!'
honestly. as fucked up as it sounds..
i need it..
then come back
then forgive me
then tell me that you'll give me one more chance
and i swear..
i will be everything you wanted and more...
b/c honestly
as arrogant as it sounds
i am that rockstar lover..
and i'm the most romantic guy you've ever met
and i really do want it to last...
i just have issues...
there
the secrets out
how to work jonathan..
any questions?
i'll probably still be confusing and unpredictable.. its my nature..
but that how it goes so far...
(come to a cafe with me.. lets drink coffee.. lets go back home and have me play songs for you for and hour or two on my acoustic guitar.. lets kiss.. let me take your shirt off... lets want to have sex but not... lets go to dinner.. lets drink wine and eat rich rich foods.. lets walk around this beautiful town in the rain.. lets hold one another close for each others warmth and b/c we *want* one another that badly.. lets go home.. lets put on an album that we both find inspiring.. lets talk.. lets argue.. lets debate.. lets find that we are so intriguing to one another that we can't depart.. .lets kiss some more... lets take one anothers clothes off.. lets find what we will... and lets wake up next to one another in some sort of giddy high that makes us start kissing one another before we've brushed our teeth...)
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(13 comments |comment on this)
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2:07 am - well at least i got laid...
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(Verse)
Oh what a crazy, lazy life
Shotgun wedding to a hooker wife
Down in the sewer, I'm fishin' for a bone
You best tell your daddy that you're not coming home
(Chorus)
Ah, go ahead and call me loser
Sell my soul off to the dudes
Tell me that I'll never get paid
At least I got laid, at least I got laid
And though the memories fade away
At least I got laid, at least I got laid
(Verse)
Oh, what a tragic waste of time
Snogging with that model as she chops out a line
Not much to offer, she's nothing to see
Well I thought she was a lesbian, but I think that I'm gay
(Chorus)
Ah, go ahead and call me loser
Sell my soul off to the dudes
Tell me that I'll never get paid
At least I got laid, at least I got laid
And though the memories fade away
At least I got laid, at least I got laid
(Bridge)
Now I know all I need to know
I've had my highs, I've lived my lows
I've gone as far as I can go
Now I'm frozen to the bone
(Solo)
(Chorus)
Ah, go ahead and call me loser
Sell my soul off to the dudes
Tell me that I'll never get paid
At least I got laid, at least I got laid
And though the memories fade away
At least I got laid, at least I got laid
Listen now
At least I got laid, at least I got laid
And though the memories fade away
At least I got laid, at least I got laid
He got laid, she got laid (x4)
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 12th, 2001
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11:39 pm - love and sex and death and music...
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what else really matters?
loyalty I suppose.. friendship..
the fact that I would lay down next to those I love and receive every other kick if they got there ass kicked.. just so they wouldn't have to...
that's what I look for in my friends, and that what I would give
(and have)
no one else is worth it
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT??
NO ON ELSE IS WORTH MY FUCKING TIME!!
then those who would lay down next to me and receive every other kick..
just to get that clear..
so love and romance..
they make life worth living...
and it comes..
it comes..
as it always does
for what is this life but worthless if you cannot both lead and serve someone?
I would be a servant..
but only for love..
sex..
what is this?
but what drives me since I was old enough to have an orgasm..
desire is beauty and desire is fulfillment, and desire can leave me empty
but I still seek desire
yet desire has grown cold.. its so rare I feel true desire anymore..
the curse of having the best..
you are not fulfilled by the rest..
death..
the brightest stars burn out quick
yet they live forever...
but how can I leave this life without some certainty as to where I will go?
that is the promise of the spiritual that I cannot let go of..
that I can continue beyond the wall of death..
I would let this life go many times over if I knew I could make that journey with my consciousness intact..
but I cannot say that..
I do not meditate like I used to..
but I should..
for no other reason than to have that ability.. to retain this consciousness beyond the wall of death
what a great adventure, what a great journey!
if I could just retain some awareness in the process..
although perhaps that doubt is what saves me.. for without it I would have left this little incarnation long ago..
music..
it calls....
for it makes and inspires and expresses emotion
and I was dead to emotion for far to long
emotion is how I know I am alive..
"its over now, I'm cold alone - I'm just a person on my own, nothing means a thing to me.. oh nothing means a thing to me.."
I will not steal emotion from others words, from others melodies, from others scripts while feeling so little myself.. I will feel with reckless abandon and express it with intensity and drama...
the rest of you can use me as your avatar, as your savior, for I feel while you wallow in emotional apathy.. so perhaps I serve some purpose to others with this blessing and curse I posses.
the music takes you..
talent is given to be used..
my god do I waste it so often... playing for myself and only a select group of friends in the confinement of my room...
e-mail me
give me your phone number
I'll call you and sing you a song...
I don't care who you are, or what your name is..
let me sing to you..
let me show you how it feels...
do any of you remember love? romance? sex that was not trivial?
I do..
would that romance permeate my days..
that I would draw it with each and every breath...
that is why I will never find lasting happiness I suppose
I want to much..
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 8th, 2001
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8:27 pm - addendum
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one thing is true..
i do get very swept up in my emotions..
it probably comes from being so emotionally dead for so long..
it's like a drug now..
i remember when i would drink, just to take down those walls so I could feel something..
its a joy that i don't need to drink to do it anymore..
i may have a lot of faults.. and i may move to quickly at times..
but this ability to feel so intensly is something i am so very thankful for..
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(comment on this)
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8:21 pm - in response to autumn and starfinder
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"..I was chatting a little with VJF, just a curiosity thing, I think. He doesn't think too much about what is said to him, and what it means. I think he's a little too self-concerned. The funny thing is, a lot of what he has been through makes me think of myself, at an earlier time in my life where my needs were all that existed. "~autumn
ok, first of all, we've never had a real conversation - your someone I don't know that the only thing i know about is that you go to the Rage and are friends wth E. - a short lived affair of mine. So how can you expect the vague comments you leave to get much of a reply? Perhaps I should inquire more about your thoughts, but I'm not quick to do that with people I don't know. The other thing is - this is MY JOURNAL. It is all about me.. no one else, just my life, my thoughts, my feelings.. my observations. It's going to come off a bit self-centered you know?
"As for VJF, he and his crowd tend to be materialistic and tend to think within their clique. If you don't belong to the gossip mill or his group then he probably won't give you much attention. He's pretty skilled at appearing to care ... the secret is there's a little bit of truth to what he says - it's just not as dramatic as he portrays things. I think he's a severe manic depressive. I should know since I've been around enough of them. He sometimes acts out of pure emotion and sometimes out of twisted emotion and it can be hard to tell what he's going to feel or do next. I don't think he's constantly plotting after people - he just gets caught in the throes of his turbulant feelings and is convinced at any one moment of that emotion's truth. So, it's easy to like him even while despising a lot about him, especially when you're dating him and caught up in the web of ever-changing truth. Thankfully, I'm not the submissive masochistic type so our relationship didn't last long." ~E
E. - really.. first of all, I'm one of the least materialistic people you've probably met. Just because I have a job and don't let my signifigant other support me doesn't make me materialistic. Think back to when we were dating, I gave you roses, clothes, meals etc.. I gave you anything I could to make you feel special and to help you out. The first thing I want to do with my extra money is spend it on people I am involved with honestly. As far as being a sever manic depressive? No, I really don't think so.. I may have my problems but that diagnosis is quite innacurate as I know people who really ARE manic depressive and we don't share the same issues. Yes.. I do feel very intensly.. yes I exrpess my feelings in an intense manner. Understand that I don't write often when I am happy, I write when I'm upset and need some sort of expression.. also.. I have quite a few entries that are locked and only able to be read by a select few. Our relationship didn't last long b/c I wasn't over Gina and your boyfriend guilt tripped you into coming back to him. It's ok, worked for me- now how bout getting over it..
As far as my clique? I take it you mean Gina and Dominique? My ex-wife and ex-girlfriend? The only friends of mine you've actually hung out with? What the hell where you thinking in the first place? These women are still my friends after all we've been through. Did you really think they were going to think it was cool for you to try to bond with them by talking shit about me? I heard every word dear.. and yet still I never attacked you. Seems like you should look in the mirror before you cast your stones. And as far as the rest.. well It's not my place to say.. Gina can add something if she likes, although I doubt she will.. why should she waste her time? She has a life.
"I know what you mean, reading his journal, he was so prone to think that three days is equal to love. Maybe the love of one's body, but more, no, that takes years.
I think he was wrong to say the things he did about you online. Somewhere a line must be drawn about what is appropriate and what is not. If it was B. he would have kicked his ass around the block twice for saying those things."
yeah, her boyfriend probably would have if it wasn't for the fact that I've taken martial arts for over ten years - been in a ton of fights on the street and have done alot of full contact martial arts matches. as it is, it would have been a very very bad idea.
and no Autumn, honestly - I've never said I've been in love with anyone since Gina and I broke up. I haven't - I've felt liked I've loved others somewhat, sometimes I've felt like I was falling.. but never been in love. There is a difference and I'm aware of it. I do get swept up in emotions at times though.
And as far as what I said about her online, honestly I thought I was pretty good about that. There was quite a few times I would hear about things E would say regarding me.. things I could have easily refuted. The problem was, I just didn't care enough about it to write it down. Really, again, this is my journal... I don't keep it to keep track of my friends or let them keep track of me.. I keep it as I would a real journal, I am as honest here as I would if it was a paper journal. Really though, the real story was never told.. strickly b/c I didn't feel it necessary to say things to hurt E, and not something I was terribly concerened with.. - she made her choices and I was fine with that, even if I felt some pity towards her.
One of the major complaints I heard second hand that she would say.. is that it didn't seem I missed her, or felt anything after our relationship was over. That she didn't want to be with me, but felt I should feel some sort of remose regarding that.
So - you asked for it.. I'll reply to that..
E. - what did you give me to miss? The constant back and forth, hot and coldness of your affections? The getting pissed with me b/c I'd offer you advice after you just vented about all your problems regarding N.? It's not like we had some great sex life! We didn't even have sex! And for the most part you seemed like a very selfish lover.. one things for sure, you weren't compatible with me, and I wasn't with you.. so what was there to miss? Honestly, I was relieved.. b/c it really didn't seem like we could work.
I don't hold anything against you, I just feel you've really misjudged me. I don't even know why you bother to read my journal anymore.. why do you care? Every time I hear or see you talking to another about me it's negative.
Whatever resentments you have towards me you should either let go or talk to me about it. I can assure you, based upon what you have told others.. that you got the wrong idea.
anyway, your both entitled to your opinions.. and your not my friends so I really don't care what you think. Be what you will.. I just felt compelled to respond to all this after I read Autumn's journal and found this.
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
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12:09 am - kinda cheezy but..
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| Sunday, November 4th, 2001
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4:40 pm
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i think polly and i are done..
if nothing else we are taking a break from one another for a moment.
probably for the best i'm sure..
though i awake this morning with a slightly sick feeling in my heart.
the remorse of another hope shattered.
it is common enough
i am a strange boy with many faults...
not the least is how much i'm a walking contradiction
but i go now, knowing there are other worlds than these..
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(4 comments |comment on this)
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| Friday, November 2nd, 2001
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12:05 am - is there time?
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(an email just sent)
Polly..
just got off the phone with you.. a bad ending to a not so good conversation..
i don't see why you react the way you did to me expressing my thoughts, my wondering if i am something that you think about in regards to your future, if i am something that you consider as part of it. i was in no way trying to pressure you or even ask for your ideas regarding it.. just expressing my thoughts
this gag order i feel you have inflicted upon us may be good for you.. but somehow i don't think so.. it's not good for me i know that.. you say our conversation wasn't flowing.. well perhaps on my end that is b/c i have to watch what i say around you now.. can i let these lips spill forth the romantic poetry they once did? well no.. b/c that all comes with an idea that we are more than just physical lovers.. that we are more to one another than that, that we feel and see some sort of potential for something greater than that, and that either implies a future or a regret.. and well now we have come to a point where regret is not bittersweet anymore, for i allowed myself to feel enough for you to consider making you part of my plans, part of my future..
you asked me to back up.
you asked me not to move so fast.
so i have..
and here we lie..
frankly, i'm not as happy with this new arrangement.
as i said before, the inspiration that you have brought seems stifled, for even when inspired i feel like i have to watch what i say.
i am not counting on you for anything polly...
i wish i could, i really do.. i think you could be worth it.. but as it stands my hopes lie damaged.
but that is what you wanted, no?
regardless, do not feel unhappy or resentful towards me b/c i cannot say the things i once did.. for you put me in my place. so here i stand.
just thought you should know.
it is fine with me to remain here.. its just not the same.
~jonathan
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001
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10:59 am
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so i am home..
and not the same..
i'm fairly confused..
don't know what i want really..
don't really know how i feel.
i know that i feel my sense of romance has been stifled by all of this.. and that's not a good thing for jonathan.. for i am a romantic and need to be swept up in romance and passion... and with all her talk of slowing things down, no matter how understandable.. i now feel like i cannot even express myself emotionally.. and perhaps she feels the same, or perhaps this is what she wants.. she wrote me email that i returned to... and all they were about was sex, what an amazing lover i was (the best she ever had, or so she claims), how she misses my touch and kiss, how she can't wait to be here in dec. so we can have sex again...
and yeah, it was fabulous, we are very sexually compatible... but if that's all there is to this.. i don't know why i waste my time... perhaps if things never were taken to the level they were i would be totally fine with that... but as it is, i feel like i'm missing something, like something is being taken away.
i've started to reconsider my asia plans - i had made the decision to put them on hold, to make that decision in january.. i wanted to feel like i had the option for something to become of this relationship with polly. now however, i am starting to feel like perhaps i should not let this relationship affect me in that manner... she still wants the option come january.. the option to take this further... but damn it.. whether or not i completely understand her fears and hesitation.. i feel like i was led on. i feel extremely defensive.
if i just wanted a friend i could have great sex with i could have that here in sacramento/california - i would be able to have it much more often..
my feminine side has gotten out of control or something.. ;)
makes me miss the days where i was a bastard.
but christ - i don't know what's a matter with me, perhaps its age.. perhaps maturity.. i mean i can still see myself meeting someone and having sex fairly quickly, and having it just be that and being happy with it... i just wouldn't be able to give it a whole lot of energy... i guess anything that i'm going to be giving this kinda time and energy (not to mention money) has to be more.. has to at least have the potential to be more..
that was the problem with this visit.. i felt like she completely avoided any emotional content.. and just focused on the physical... and maybe i can understand that, maybe i can understand the pressure she felt.. but the way she handled it really threw me..
we shall see.. we shall see
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(7 comments |comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 21st, 2001
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4:26 pm
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hmmm..
well the sex is still excellent.
;)
and i wish i wasn't like this... b/c i totally understand where she's coming from in a sense. we talked alot more and she clarified that she doesn't want this to end.. she just feels things are moving a bit to quick for her.. she's always been a very cautious girl..
me on the other hand as my ex's can attest to, know no caution when my feelings are flowing.. call it a musicians thing... but when i'm in the flow of inspiration, i want those feelings to keep coming, the songs to still come.. and i want to ride that out..
so she still wants to come to sac in sacramento and stay the entire month rather than the week she planned on when first meeting me.. and she wants the opportunity for this to develop into something more.. something long term.. but needs the pace to be slower.. we had tossed around the idea of me moving here this winter.. that is not going to happen..
but apparently she would still like to think that that's something that could happen in the future...
if so, i will need to know come the close of her visit in january.. i am not the kind that can keep a relationship going long term at this vast distance...
however.. all this being said..
and while i am fine with it to a certain degree..
i can tell that i've rearranged some of my wiring internally...
shifted things around.. this is just the way i am.
she's out of the shower.. wandering around the room.. i should get off her laptop..
this is jonathan...
i suddenly start seeing all the things that would make things difficult in being with her..
rather than looking at all the positive sides, all the things that have inspired these feelings.. i start to see all the down sides...
i don't want my passion for her to fade..
but i think after lasts nights talk.. i have taken a larger step back than she wanted me to.. or she realises..
the sex is still excellent though..
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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11:29 am
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"and i know its over but still i cling.. i don't know where else i can go... oh. it's over..it's over, and it never really began, but in my heart.. it was so real.."
yes
its over
she just wants this to be an affair..
and i ask myself, if that has been the case, why did she allow things to go this far? why did she entertain the idea of me moving here? why did she say that she felt this was a long term thing?
and where did it change?
so i am wishing the hours would pass by more quickly.. wanting to be home..
oh well.. better now then later..
i will return to sacramento single ...
and make my decisions about where to go from there.
i have been hurt much more than this..
this is nothing in comparison.
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 20th, 2001
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11:38 am
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things are going well, i'm having a fabulous time..
there lies a hedonistic wonderland inside these four walls.. ;)
went to an amazing little italian food resturant last night.. yumm.. perhaps tonight we will go dancing.. there is breakfast/lunch to be had today, and coffee is necessary.
slept long and hard last night...
i think i'm sore.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 18th, 2001
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7:25 pm
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So I'm in Pittsburgh, Pennysylvania visiting Polly - the girl I hooked up with at the end of August.. and have since had a very intense long distance relationship with.. currently I am in the computer lab of her school while she is in "crew" - a form of slave labor they make people in the drama dept. do.. a required four hours three days a week where they are stage hands... everybody hates it apparently. I guess it's b/c they just spent millions of dollars on a new theater or something and don't have the money to actually pay stage hands like most schools do, so they get the the students to become indentured servants.
So I am amusing myself for the next hour until her break, and then I will continue to do so until 10:00 when she gets out..
My flight went well, if long.. I perhaps slept for three hours on the flight... it was uneventful thank god. I went from San Francisco to Washington D.C. - then took a propeller plane to Pittsburgh.
When I got off and made my way to the baggage claim there she was... tall and beautiful with her messy little "just got laid" haircut. My hands where on her and my tongue in her mouth before we even said hello..drove back to her place to do some immediate "catching up" and then she had to go to school while I slept for another five hours. She returned and climbed into bed with me and slept for an hour before we "caught up" some more.. then journeyed to a little sandwich shop and cafe before we came to her school.
After tonight the next four days she won't have to go to school so I'll have her all to myself.
I find myself in a whir of emotions.. some intensely physical, sometimes when I want to just spit out words that I'm not completely sure I mean (so I don't), some where I am scared... after all this time of being single, and after my last two relationships I heavily question if anybody is right for me. If anybody can truly connect to me.. to take away the constant loneliness.. the constant emptyness..
the worst thing is being with someone.. so close.. so intimate, and finding myself a prisoner in my own head... I always feel "outside" - not of this world or race.
I know that sounds silly.. and I really don't feel like that ALL the time.. but I am a strange bird who is a far better actor than most give him credit for.
Yet I know some of this is being jet-lagged, and tomorrow morning I will come to a more stable place inside myself. Polly and I havn't had a whole lot of time to just talk or whatnot, it's been a whirlwind of sex and rushing to get things done... of staring at each other in silence with silly little grins on our faces.. appreciating how wonderful and weird it is to be in one anothers presence at long last.
Pittsburgh is weird.. its a far bigger city than Sacramento, and feels like one..yet the people have this weird small town mentality it seems. Apparently you cannot even buy a bottle of wine after 9 p.m. - anywhere..
College.. everyone is so young.. silly..hehe
girls who might as well be 15 being loud and shouting shakespeare..hehe
gay boys and robotics majors.. the dichotomy of having a famous drama conservatory and one of the country's best robotics programs on the same campus.
It is strangely beautiful here however, there seems to be a cathedral on each corner.. and in one area called "squirrel hill" there is more synagogues than in the holy land, or so Polly tells me..
anyway, I'm safe.. I'm happy, I'm somewhat satiated, but feel that starting to fade.. hehe
Polly is a doomed women when I get her home tonight ;)
~jonathan
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(7 comments |comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 11th, 2001
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12:00 pm - well i'll be..
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11:45 am - thoughts and dreams
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it feels like there's something wrong with me..
I've been feeling a bit unmotivated at work, so I was reading the news.. stories about the war, about the trade center tragedy.. and I still find myself being overcome with emotion, with my eyes welling up with tears. I thought I was numb to it by now.. but perhaps good journalism can get beyond all numbness..
I have had dreams for the past week of another terrorist attack, another hijacking, bombing, biological attack.. in some of them they are the violent dreams I always have, of me fighting these faceless adversaries.. (I often have violent dreams where I must kill or be killed)..in others my dreams just have these events going on behind the scenes. I awoke this morning with the realization that these events have sunk far deeper into my subconscious than I had imagined, which leads me to believe I'm not the only one.. that it must have sunk deep into the world's consciousness..
and I see people protesting our war with the Taliban a block away from where I work.. and I wonder to myself, what is it you want us to do??
and how was it become that I, always different, always a freak.. find myself agreeing with the more conservative members of our populous, rather than the liberals? I must be getting old.
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(4 comments |comment on this)
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| Monday, October 8th, 2001
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4:08 pm - psychokiller....que'st que c'est...
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I can't seem to face up to the facts
I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax
I can't sleep cause my bed's on fire
Don't touch me I'm a real live wire
Psycho killer, qu'est que c'est
Far better
Run away
Psycho killer, que'st que c'est
Far better
Run away
Oh yeah
You start a conversation you can't seem to finish it
You're talkin' a lot but you're not sayin' anything
When I have nothing to say my lips are sealed
Say something once why say it again
Chorus
Ce que j'ai fait, ce soir la
Ce qu'elle a dit, ce soir la
Realisant, mon espoir
Je me lance vers la gloire
We are vain and we are blind
I hate people when they're not polite
Chorus
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(comment on this)
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2:17 pm - oh shit...
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1:52 pm - chuckle
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"there is more to life than just being really really good looking!, and I'm going to find out what that is!"
~zoolander
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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11:54 am - oh my..
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