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[07 Jul 2002|10:26am] Needed: a camping spot that is easy to get to, with somewhere that is not polluted to go swimming, that would make for a pleasant Friday&Saturday; trip for this weekend. I live in Boston, I'm looking for something that isn't a very long drive. This was supposed to be a 3-day-weekend trip, but Corey and I both have to work Sunday morning at 8 am. Suggestions are welcome and appreciated. Thanks. 2 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

It was just my imagination... running away with me... [05 Jul 2002|10:31pm] I had an interesting day. First thing- I saw my friends Katie and Tom that I hadn't seen for quite a few years. I knew that Tom drank himself nearly to death after his brother's memorial service and fell down stairs , but I didn't know that he had suffered some intense head injuries that have left him pretty fucked up. He remembered who I was, but he slurs and limps, and forgets what he's saying in mid-sentence A LOT, making it difficult to sustain conversation... his personality has changed a lot. Not just to the point that a tragic incident (like his brother getting killed in a car accident) might change a person, but he doesn't really seem like Tom anymore. It was nice to see them, but seeing Tom like that sort of made me want to cry. He's only 25 and he's going to be like that permanently. On the lighter side, he didn't seem terribly unhappy, and sitting close to him really brought back some warm and familiar memories. He still smells and smiles like my bro. I wish I wouldn't let silly mind shit get in the way of me staying in touch with people. It isn't as if constant reminders of losing people I love exist only as human beings. They remain etched in the stone of my personal history, and I think about them every day, regardless of the physically tangible reminders that I have in my daily life. I really ought to lighten up. The second thing is that a few days ago my biological father called me. It wasn't entirely unexpected, as I recently found out the reason why he didn't keep in touch was because of things my mom did, but it was a little but suprising. Anyway, he said he would be in Boston (he lives in Florida) and that I have a baby sister and he would like to spend some time with me. I told him to give me a call on Friday at some point if he had the time. He called today, and was in Faniul Hall which I was not far from. So I met up with him, his wife and her two children, and my baby sister, Sydney. It was a pleasant experience. We had a nice dinner. Sydney is adorable. My first words were during an earthquake, and they were repeating my grandmother when she said "holy shit". I probably won't see them again anytime soon, so I'm glad that it happened today. I will at least keep in touch. I feel honored that they would be as interested in me after I pretty much turned my back on a large part of my family for many years. I have known for a little while at this point that it was I who had to make the first gesture. I don't know why it took me until a few weeks ago to do it. I waste a lot of time "not thinking about it". Not just concerning that, but with a lot of things. After departing, my bag broke, so I had to get some safety pins and fix it. Strolling around Downtown Boston by myself was nice and relaxing. An activity I should take part in more often. I bought myself a frozen yogurt and watched boats and planes for a what may have been hours, on Long Wharf. At some point, there was a fireboat spraying MASSIVE amounts of water everywhere. Pale blue water billowing out in streams high into the sky against a backdrop of soft violet sky, fluffy pastel pink clouds, and shimmering green sea. It was beautiful. It was almost surreal. I felt like I was on an amazing trip. I hadn't felt that good sober for as long as I can remember. I like that part of Boston a lot. I've lived in the city for almost six years and only as I'm about to leave do I begin to appreciate it. After watching boats and planes, I walked down to Corey's dock and went for a boat ride while he finished up his daily tasks for work and then we took the T back home. This has been an excellent day. This journal entry truly cannot do it justice. I love boats and being on the water. Its an exhilarating feeling. I'm going to start sailing on my Fridays off. I can't think of anything I would like to be doing more. A guy from my work offered to teach me the ropes of each different boat. How can I lose? As shitty a job as Community Boating seems to be sometimes, it does have its benefits. A lot of the people there are awesome (although my favorite people did not work the 4th so I couldn't introduce them to my friends.) I'm glad those of you who came to watch the fireworks had a good time. I apologize for getting a bit frazzled toward the end of the night. Once I get a kung-fu grip on sailing I will take whoever wants to go. It's amazing. Ahhhh... 2 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[01 Jul 2002|01:48am] July 1, 2002 over the next few days, (and the following weeks) try your hardest to get in touch with, to free and to unite all of the love, good energy- whatever you may call it- in whatever ways you are able to. be kind to yourself and others. forgive. crawl into someone else's reality tunnel... or attempt to broaden your own. take a little extra time to let others know that you love them and that you care. take a little extra time to meditate on, and marinate in what you really feel is important. try your best to avoid confrontations, and keep your mind as open as possible. when considering confrontations with others, honestly consider them as a person, not in terms of what they have done to you, or what you have done to them- but the way you FEEL about the person in spite of many variables. tell someone that you've been missing, that you miss them. tell someone that you've been loving, that you love them. indulge in the pleasure of showing kindness to others. try not to kill, steal or act out of spite whenever this is possible to do. and don't stop at these suggestions, think of your own, feel free to add some, and spread the word. be honest in your kindness and show kindness in your honesty to both yourself and others. make a true attempt to tap into whatever goodness you have to offer. it is desperately needed. @ 3 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

Out of the anteroom, into another anteroom... [29 Jun 2002|07:59pm] [ mood | contemplative ] If you Know not Everything, Judge not Anything... What we consider to be reality, may not be reality at all, but a semantic hallucination. What we observe to be nature may not be nature itself, but points on a map, nature exposed to our methods of questioning. Consensus reality seems like dogma based on interpretations of perceptions from a limited human viewpoint... I recently read that " 'normal' is what everyone else is, and you are not". I had to smile, and think that most of my mental issues have to do with breakdowns in semantics. Mostly regarding absolutism. I AM crazy. I CAN'T express myself. Everyone IS looking at me, they ALL think I'm a nut... I wonder if the phrase "well, I don't KNOW that... what makes me or ANYONE such an EXPERT" cross es the minds of others as often as it does mine. Not only regarding my own sanity (or lack thereof), but considering everything that I think. 'If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you.' This quote from Nietzsche is an appropriate bridg e be tween contradictions, I think. It, as well as other quotes and essays I read today, sums up my current demeanor. Don't fool around with the masks of reality until you can face the reali ty of the masks. Once returned from the school of brain change to the ordinary world we again must see and think in masks, or we will not have the ability to communicate and deal with others. -RAW The reality of metaphysics is the reality of masks. -Wi lde Everyone should check out the Cosmic Trigger trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson (and everything else he's written.) Bring an open mind. Here's an excerpt from a metaphor of his that I came across today. Anna knew that she had become a Mystic and that if she talked about what she had learned some people woul d praise her, and some would condemn her, both in excessive language, but none of them would understand her until they also walked out of the door, MANY TIMES. After long years, Anna discovered that a few others slipped out the door and came back, lookin g as dazed as herself on first trips. She began to talk then, but only to the special star-eyed people. And gradually, as their group grew, and they compared notes, they realized that they never found the Real World at all, but only another Theater of Fools. 2 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

I am fucked up in a beautiful way. [29 Jun 2002|11:08am] xanax, oxycodone, kind buds, and good friends- followed by good sleep. letting go of everyone when i leave is an idea that i need to become a bit friendlier with. it's strange to say goodnight, and goodbye to people knowing that you may not see them again for quite some time, if ever. things change more quickly and unexpectedly than i like to accept a lot of the time... and over time, some things slip away so slowly that you don't even miss them, and then suddenly they creep up on you. i feel as if i'm living in a strange limbo this summer. (which is a vast improvement to the HELL i lived in last summer). i knew beforehand that it would be mostly work. (all work and no play makes kristi a dull girl) i didn't think that i would get sick, which has bee n a setback. so now i have to work a little bit more to make up for that lost time. it's just strange to know you're leaving somewhere, not to mention overwhelming (and monotonous) to think about (obsessively and compulsively, not to mention entirely u nnecessarily) what is going to happen over the next couple of years, when so much has happened in the last ONE that thinking about it is such an information overload that my finely wired system is going to crash. i've moved a lot of times. only one ma jor move, thought, out of all of them. i remember leaving with most of my ties dissipating, and the others cut. it felt good to get away from all of (what i thought at the time to be) bullshit. if up until then (i was 13), life had been a four-course me al of misery, pain and disillusion- a "WAKE UP and face THIS, YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD SHIT BEFORE? WELL, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YET..." then the following six have been the old country buffet. sometimes i wonder (once again, compulsively, obsessively and c ompletely pointlessly) if things had not happened the way they did if i would still be sitting on an internet journal pounding out what a depressed, anxious, miserable and confused person i am. everyone else does it, at some point. does everyone have a sa d story to tell? i'm sure they do, and everyone has a happy story too. we're programmed to focus on the wicked... Well, no matter how deep, dark and full of bats and boogeymen your psyche is, or isn't, there is always that opening into the world of neurosis... no matter who you are. I'm deviating from the point here, but its true. Shit happens, and there is nothing you can do about it, except get over it and move on. Some things I think I'll never get over. Hopefully, I'm wrong. I just don't want to lose touch with everyone now, like I did then. I just let go, and I thought that was the easiest way to do things... until I realized I was accumulating quite a luggage of things that I had "let go". Then I started picking through it... if that can explain a few things (o: I don't k now why I'm thinking about this so much, things wil l be how they will be, and they will be because they will be, and I will be how I will be, and so on... every little thing's gonna be alright... ll 4 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[28 Jun 2002|04:17pm] S E M A N T I C H A L L U C I N A T I O N M U C H ? Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[28 Jun 2002|12:18pm] DISCLAIMER: I can spell. This computer adds letters, spaces, unidentifiable characters and scrambles words. ø My dream included going into a sunken ship with Jim Morrison to find a snake.ø Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[27 Jun 2002|11:39pm] before you slip into unconsciousness, i'd like to have another kiss... 1 Brick| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

What Happened? [27 Jun 2002|11:57am] Wake up in the morning clock says half past one I have no sunglasses As I step into the sun There's no recollection of the evil things I've done My head feels like I musta' had some fun What happened? YESTERDAY - Cry Baby, Walden Pond- where I bonded with an awe some frog that stayed with me until I told him I was gonna let him go, this really put me in high spirits... Food. Chai. Migraine. Taryn's. Percosets. Hickies. Messing with Edson's head. Sleep. Scary, scary dreams. CAUTION: Poor spelling and bad grammar lie ahead. In one of my dreams I was stayin g in a cabin with a bunch of boys and they were all ignoring me (I was NOT ME) then I realized that I was dead. In another dream, I was trying to save this little girl in a house from a bunch of assasins and I had to break a vase and kill a guy with it w hen he was climbing in the window. More guys came in though and there was a stalemate because they seemed to be afraid of me for some reasons, or were just fucking with me. If there was a resolution to that part of the dream, I don't remember it. In a nother dream I was taking this advanced photography workshop at a camp, only I realized once I got there that I hadn't really done any photography for a while and don't remember enough to be taking the course. Lisa was showing me how to do things (it was completely weird, not actually how you do photography) and I was feeding some multicolored print paper into some sort of contraption when a boy came in, he was all quiet and his skin was a funny color. My best friend from kindergarten came in too and sat down. She asked me if I wanted to room with her because there was an extra room and someone needed to pair up. I said I would and I thought Lisa was mad because of it, but she was watching the green kid that had laid down on my bed. When we walked over and touche d him, I think he was dead. That's when I woke up. Wondered where the hell I was, realized who's house I was at, but still wondered where the hell I was, walked outside and gained by bearings... Then I walked here. Got harassed by some piggy neaderthals. Now I'm going to try and eat something. Take a shower, go to work. Go see my mom's new house. Spend the night there with Sean. ©± Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[25 Jun 2002|09:22pm] cedar street. hmmmm. Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[24 Jun 2002|11:01am] Quote taken out of TIME magazine 1989. "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." --Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989 (as seen on the community "Are You Experienced" posted by LJ user Plini) 1 Brick| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

Sugar Magnolia blossom's blooming... [24 Jun 2002|09:29am] Head's all empty and I don't care Saw my baby down by the river Knew she'd have to come up soon for air Sweet blossom come on under the willow We can have high times if you'll abide We can discover the wonders of nature Rolling in the rushes down by the riverside She's got everything delightful She's got everything I need Takes the wheel when I'm seeing double Pays my ticket when I speed She come skimming through rays of viole t She can wade in a drop of dew She don't come and I don't follow Waits backstage while I sing to you She can dance a Cajun rhythm Jump like a Willys in four wheel drive She's a summer love in the spring, fall an d winter She can make happy any man alive Sugar magnolia Ringin' that blue bell Caught up in sunlight Come on out singing I'll walk you in the sunshine Come on honey, come along with me She's got e verything delightful She's got everything I need A breeze in the pines in the summer night moonlight Crazy in the sunlight yes indeed Sometimes when the cuckoo's crying When the moon is halfway down Sometimes whe n the night is dying I take me out and I wander round I wander round Sunshine daydream Walk you the tall trees Going where the wind goes Blooming like a red rose Breathing more freely Light out sing ing I'll walk you in the morning sunshine Sunshine daydream Walk you in the sunshine The Grateful Dead 1 Brick| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

got two reasons why i cry away each lonely night... [24 Jun 2002|08:56am] first one's named sweet Anne Marie, she's my heart's delight second one is prison, baby, sheriff's on my trail, and if he catches up with me i'll spend my life in jail.... 'we sold some MUSHROOM TEA, we sold some ecstasy, we sold NITROUS, opium, acid, hero in and pcp...' mushroom tea, nitrous and american beauty (the grateful dead album) made for a terrific evening. i forgot all about not feeling well, rolled up in a fluffy blanket and conversed with a female entity that i called the goddess, who seemed t o be living in a painting of the night sky with a red triangle. she explained my current state of mind and, the crossroads that i have encountered in my spiritual journey, and ways that i am allowing my ego to impede my progress. it was very interesting and educational. a step in the direction of understanding the difference between information and knowledge? maybe. don't want to start patting myself on the back about how holy i'm becoming quite yet... i stopped taking klonopin for panic after that. not because i want to deal with my anxiety disorder without chemicals, but instead because i haven't had any anxiety. i don't know if it'll come back. i need to deal with my physical ailments at the moment. my mind is feeling better but my body is a mess. gotta keep them balanced, they take care of one another. at another point over the weekend i spent the day in the hospital because the tonsilitis i've been battling with for the past few weeks hit peak point (i hope, i hope). i couldn't swallow water, and i was having a migraine. it was pleasant to have a cheerful doctor. it was also pleasant to get a shot of demerol and 20 mg of percoset when the demerol started wearing off. by far my most useful and pleasant hospital experience. kevin went with me, which was nice. even if he did fart every two minutes. safety. we finally have a plan for moving to washington. (SIGH OF RELIEF). Sean won't be able to join us for a year, which left me in tears for a spell. But he's my best friend and I know everthing will be great once he comes out here. I guess we can leave him for Cait, Nat, Lisa and Jules to enjoy. (Nat and Lisa may be joining us at that point, if their paths lead them there... ) Will is going out the last week in August/first week in Sept. by plane and staying with his sister- he's going to pick out an apartment or ideally, a small house to rent- then Corey and I will make a road trip out there. It will be nice to have that trip out with Corey. This summer we both have to work a lot and haven't spent much time together. I'm also looking forward to seeing my WA state pal, Ryan, who has been so very helpful through some tough shit this year. I need to go get well and enjoy this summer. Peace and Love. « Got a wife in Chino, babe And one in Cherokee First one says she's got my child But it don't look like me I set out running but I take my time A friend of the Devil is a friend of mine If I get home before daylight I might get some sleep tonight 5 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

You know I can't let you slide through my hands [23 Jun 2002|05:28pm] Wild horses couldn't drag me away Wild horses, we'll ride them someday 1 Brick| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

What a drag it is getting old [20 Jun 2002|01:40pm] Doctor please, some more of these Outside the door, she took four more What a drag it is getting old 2 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[19 Jun 2002|05:41pm] make me laugh say you know what you want you say we are the real thing so i show you some more and i learn what black magick can do the magic i thought was lost forever has been found. i'm a joyful girl.Ñ Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[15 Jun 2002|11:21pm] they tried to make me eat hagus. it was horribly ugly and grey with a lingering foul odour, flies abound. it was a corpulent woman wearing a viking helmet, full with real bull-horns. she was singing about me eating the hagus. my stomach churned and i tried to tell her that i felt too ill to eat it, but she would not back down. high-fever hallucinations. i'm beginning to think that i'll never feel normal again. first the death cold, then that begins to let up and i'm plagued by a some-what personal problem leading to more illness... while the lingering cough from my almost-gone death cold holds on and worsens. enter bronchitis and a co-existing throat infection rendering me sleepless and feverful for days despite the MASSIVE amount of prescribed sleep-aid pain reliever and cough suppressents, allergy medicine and headache meds consumed I spent two ENTIRE nights awake because i coughed with every breath- which bruised my ribs, tore my diaphragm (or at least it felt that way) and irritated the living fuck out of my already-raw throat. my asthma starts acting up making it difficult to even breathe by the third night, causing me to use my inhaler which causes migraines... and i couldn't take the maxalt because patients having bronchitis may experience extreme difficulty breathing as it contricts blood vessels and bronchial tubes. ahh. so that's where i have been for the past week or so. i still don't feel great at all. physically or mentally. at least after tomorrow i have some more time off from work. i'm not supposed to work for at least another week from today. i may need to get my tonsils removed... ahhhh., 2 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[14 Jun 2002|10:14am] kills the time kills the pain quells the acheing in my veins though the spaces still remain bathing in the summer rain hear them calling hear them calling Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[11 Jun 2002|01:39pm] Well I am just a monkey man I'm glad you are a monkey, monkey woman too Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

One of these days I will no longer be a weenie... [09 Jun 2002|10:36pm] I don't know. What a strange day this was, is and shall continue to be... What angels some people turn out to be when it really, and I mean "really really really" counts... ... ... and all the other times I'm not looking at it all the right way. 2 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

little earthquakes? [08 Jun 2002|01:34am] [ mood | loved ] happy, despite this overwhelming feeling of eeriness. there's a bizarre energy in the air. a passive-agressive electricity that covers you like a blanket. it sort of creeped up on me the way a long walk on a drizzly day leaves you soaking after a while even though you barely noticed the drizzle. it's a presence, like there's somebody watching you even though you know there isn't anyone there... a female presence. it makes you feel unsafe, but indifferent. i wonder if anything out of the ordinary has befallen anyone in my... FUCK my leg is BLEEDING. 2 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[06 Jun 2002|11:01am] I'm happy. I must be insane. I'm sick, very sick. I think I lost my job. I went in on Monday, very sick, to find that my hours had been cut to just about nothing. I knew that there would be an 8 hour cut from each persons' schedule, or so that was the deal as of the time of my departure last week. I would go in 2 and 1/2 hours later than usual on three shifts starting when the change was posted. Since I was away over the weekend, I did not know that the schedule had changed yet. Not only was I not scheduled on Monday, after travelling there with a 101 fever, my hours were cut to 14 per week. 14 hours. That makes not even full time between my two jobs. This made me want to cry. Then I noticed that two of my boss's friends, one who had just started there a week or so ago had their hours jacked from 20 per week to 40. I was perturbed that my job security was based on High School politics. I didn't realize that I needed to be a social butterfly and go drinking after work with the boss in order to keep my hours. I have worked my ass off there to get a raise that was promised, but I didn't get, and to make sure I kept my full-time schedule. If everyone's hours were truly cut due to their financial difficulties, I would have sucked it up, but that was bullshit. I left a big note that said "I QUIT" and signed my name to it. I went up to the volunteer room and sprawled out in one of the comfy chairs. I cooled off and went downstairs to take the note down and leave a reasonable one. FUCK. My boss had already gotten there. FUCK FUCK FUCK. She wasn't that mad about the note, but I became even more infuriated when she blew off my inquiries about the people who did not have hour cuts. I told her I would write to her sometime over the next couple of days and she said that was good, and we'll talk then. I wrote to her, but she hasn't called or written back. The funny thing is, I don't care. I'll figure something out, I always do. I don't know why I freak out so badly when things like that happen. I can find another job, even if it means waitressing for the rest of the summer. A job is a job. It is only for a couple of months and it is so I will be more financially secure when I move. It's ok. I think my fever finall went away. Then again, I have thought that several times since Saturday. I think I have bronchitis. If need to call the doctor. The cough and burning lungs haven't gotten better, although I feel a little better otherwise. I don't want to get pnumonia again. It would just be shitty. What a shitty illness. Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

[06 Jun 2002|08:40am] [ mood | sick ] don't spend all your time looking around for something you want that can't be found once you learn you can live without it you'll be glad not thinking about it have i given you a clue?Óˇ 2 Bricks| Mother, Should I Build the Wall?

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