| Raw emotions? Nope not quite yet..trying..trying...trying |
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| 10:58pm 30/06/2002 |
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mood:  aggravated music: Pantera is repeatedly running through my head
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"the whole concept of being a normal person as i see it is never saying what u tryuly want to "
just a little something said by someone who i think and always have thought was an incredibly smart person...i know that nobody else looks at you the way that i do but there is something about you...its very special ..more will be said written out in such an intricatelly mind fucking poem that nobody but myself will know what i am trying to express or even am feeling, such is life and the viciouse cycle keeps on...anyway i beleive a question that i have asked time and time again was answered in one simple remark..the best things are said so randomly i have to be sure to pay attention more...useful things might just be slipping by and i would never know...
i dont know if my failure to properly express myself is coming from my lack of a vocabulary full of words that can even begin to express the intensity of the electricity that runs from my mind through my finger tips or if its from the simple fact that all of my thoughts of jumbled up inside myself tangled in a big mess of just blur just a blur nothing big and spectacular yet nothing short of small emotions are wizzing around in my insides and i dont quite know what to feel anymore |
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(6 infections | infect me) |
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| Thinking...Thinking...Thinking....Thinking...Thinking |
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| 10:23pm 30/06/2002 |
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mood: bitchy
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Somewhere along the line i crawled up inside myself and havent seen me scince..
I am going to walk around completley open..you may stand in the center of my tornadoe at anytime but warn you i will...i dont think youll want to stay for long..
I used to say exactly what was on my mind at all times...it made me feel so free..i loved it..but the only reason i did that was because drugs and anti-depressants gave me fake confidence...now i realize i never really had that and i want it back but for some reason i keep everything all holed up inside myself and im just about brim full with loud screaming voices inside just dying to get out..watch out everyone the honest truth from my mind to your ears...this should be mighty interesting |
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(infect me) |
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| Mosquito bites on my brain |
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| 09:57pm 25/06/2002 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Is the mind as weak or as powerful as YOU want it to be? Such things as walking are done with such confidence and ease there is no doubt in your mind that you can not walk, that is until you doubt yourself, a slight misjudgment of a step could possibly send you into a clumsy spazm . If such great confidence was forced onto other less aggresive thoughts i beleive the ease in which you would find your thoughts would flow would be greatly affected...sense..no..not here but there is a point to all of this a good point indeed i find myself doubting alot of what i do before i even do it..this is all new to me coming from someone whos very own filter has dissapated into a powdery film quite a few years ago...not a thought or question about ANYTHING before i ever did it..now a days i find myself saying things i dont want to say, keeping inside what i want to truley say and stubmbling on words and other times not quite finding the words at all...this leads to unfinished thoughts and failure to properly express ones self in a way that other people can understand my point...lack of confidence? i wonder where it all went and when did i ever begin to doubt myself..this insanity needs to stop..I want to know if this is all in my head like everything else, have i convinced myself that my confidence has been lost therefore it is and now i must work hard for something that is already there...but because the brain is far more powerful than we know am i senselessly causeing myself more work than needs be? i tell myself over and over again "shut the fuck up and do it because you know you want to..YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE" in turn will i only live once? i have been convincing myself of this for years...not to mention all the other thoughts and ideas my mind has been dictating to my body for as long as ive been alive...anxiety can cause for insanity i must stop all doubt. i can either live in hell on this earth or live in heaven that choice i know is mine...surround myself with negative energy and live in fear of simplifying my very own life to a life soley of fear of everything or shut the fuck up and be strong..CRUMBLE...I REFUSE |
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(7 infections | infect me) |
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| Must go there now |
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| 11:58pm 24/06/2002 |
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mood: thoughtful music: Deftones-
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Beautiful girls await me there |
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(infect me) |
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| Nonsensical Nonsense |
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| 09:23pm 21/06/2002 |
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mood:  depressed
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Prosthetic peices...you and me...one building,one wall,one brick holding every last memory that i will forget...not for you..not of me...unless i let go
my soul will reside there for all to see...lost..never finished..coming undone
this umbilical cord is keeping me from putting on my shoes and running far away..every last memory..every last dream..every last heartache, to be haunted by this..you..and nonsense..
Further go on...i do not
"I should have graduated today" repetative words from my torturous side....thats all i kept hearing in my head
"But your entire life to this point would be diffrent" my very own slightly logical side
Head and heart are for once in sync they are both fucking pounding |
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(infect me) |
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| When we get there |
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| 04:59pm 18/06/2002 |
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mood:  silly
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Xtragedyslovex: is it possible to live were there arent any earth quakes?
katiblue1203: i think they are all over
katiblue1203: we'll have to ask for the apt with the least quakes
katiblue1203: "hi can we have an apt....uh yeah, without earthquakes though" |
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(4 infections | infect me) |
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| *Falling at Speeds Faster Than Light* |
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| 09:02am 10/06/2002 |
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mood:  disappointed music: Tilt
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"I never meant to fade away"
-staind |
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(infect me) |
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| *Slutty Prom Dresses With Pockets For Your Guns* |
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| 11:20pm 09/06/2002 |
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mood: crushed
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Dreams of sparkling through the doorways
scince i was a little girl
blown to peices by the oozy in the left side of your overcoat his overcoat...all of your overcoats
black polyester and fake smiles, concealing enough weaponry to single handedly carry out our own malicious plans to destroy the fragile minds of those sluts who pretend they are strong
pink tool dresses and firey tears of longing to be there ...
i know your all feeling quite sick right now
im just a slut who wants to wear her prom dress to the prom
im just a slut with no prom dress and no prom
im just a slut |
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(10 infections | infect me) |
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| Free trip to the clouds |
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| 10:40am 18/05/2002 |
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music: Poison the Well (this shit so rocks my socks)
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Dull as blunt butter knives i know the comforting smiles are fading away, lost in a world of perpetual hopelessness i can see your path slowly dissapearing, behind thick brush, flaming trees, and never ending car rides home, red as black and then to grey my heart is a pile of ash, a dissaray of frantic thoughts and last minute ideas I can carry you one handed and alone, i can find the lost paths and spit on the flaming trees cut down the thick brush,i can but i wont for the wind will blow my ashey heart to nothingness and i will no longer be, in the end i know ill die trying if not me my heart will be sevearly wounded
i wish on everything in this life you could just be happy with me without me whatever just happy |
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(infect me) |
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| Nothing |
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| 08:30am 13/05/2002 |
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Ive come to the conclusion that there are seriously people out there that are wastes of life, its so dissapointing that there are so many, they try so hard to just be...and cant because theyre not.. real people? i dont know whatever it is i dont care as long as they dont talk to me...so to anyone that i havent talk to in a long time...there is a reason for that...i dont give an anything about you...not just a shit because thats not even deserved..there are a few people who im NOT talking about and i just havent gotten to sit down and talk to because i work so much but to the others you know who you are...go on and lead your nothing lives...AND DONT IM ME |
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(15 infections | infect me) |
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| *Chokeing* |
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| 07:32am 05/04/2002 |
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mood: depressed
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Take it all away because i know thats what will happen
Its only a matter of time...
Suffocate the laughing to fake it just one more time
A switch on words an insant of light
Smashed and broken..swept up and thrown away like it never was said...
When im hurting so bad im scared of myself
When im hurting so bad i want to make it easier
When im hurting so bad just a little cut..a little blood could do the trick
When i need my medicine so bad
When i want to hurt myself so bad
When im trying
When im fragile and crying
When its everyday
When there is more hurt than you can possibly imagine
you dont care mind pay attention feel know....
who knows maybe i am blind but FIGHTING WITH ME OVER SEX MAKES ME WANT TO JUST......cut away sew it up mutilate what it is that you want
too sensitive for this world and just when you realize you have someone in the end you truley dont
someone anyone a best friend a soul mate its never there they are never really there... |
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(infect me) |
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| *Insecuritie is Knocking at the Front Door* |
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| 07:51am 29/03/2002 |
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mood: depressed
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rotten slabs of skin clinging to this body...
dirty souls pouring out from the inside....
kill this face and make a new...
trash this body....
hurt this mind...
rebuild to beautiful.. wherever that may be...
look gorgous if it kills me/you everyone....
fasten yourself a new you...
let ugly slip and fall away...
dream of perfection and what you will never be
BEAUTIFUL |
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(infect me) |
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| *You* |
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| 04:58pm 25/03/2002 |
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mood:  anxious music: Deftones
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I saw her there i totally didnt expect it she looked absolutley adorable as she always does we looked alike in our little raver pants i in powder pink from head to toe big hair and lots of makeup you smiled at me i almost melted..you make me feel like a million butterflies have inhabited my stomach so you flirted with me for a bit...
I had to leave and i didnt want to i would have sat with you there forever a hug good bye that turned into you grabbing me and kissing me...but not just any old little kiss it was quite the passionate one...taking in a deep breath i can feel the butterflies again...goddess of all fairies i wish you knew how much i love your lips and the way you taste so i shall call you with the number you gave me on a ripped up card and lets see if you play games with my feelings again
mmmmmmm i wish for a kiss right now not just any kiss a beautiful one..i dont know what my deal is its just sometimes i get this insane urge to feel someones soft sweet lips on mine......
finally got my star and the other tattoo on my leg recolored today!! wooot |
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(1 infection | infect me) |
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| *Mermaid Story* |
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| 01:52pm 20/03/2002 |
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mood: cranky
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There was this mermaid girl who lived in the atlantic ocean down by the florida keys she had a beautiful glittery green tail and short black hair
she would wear lots of bracelets on her arms so when she swan along you could hear her jingle yes like your hair this little mermaid girl was so sad, no one could cheer her up. not even her friend pinchy who was a blue lobster pinchy was upset that his mermaid princess was sad so he went out in search of something to cheer her up you see the mermaid girl was sad because she didnt see how beautiful she really was the problem was that the mermaid girl lived in the sea and the onlytime she saw herself was in the rippled reflection of the water she couldnt see what other people saw in her so pinchy search all over the ocean and found more pretty rings and bracelets for the mermaid girl, but that didnt work then pinchy found her a hairband and that didnt help cheer her up either so pinchy wrote her a song about how wonderful she was but nothing could cheer that little mermaid girl up finally pinchy went out again to try and see if he could find a special present for her, something that would show her how fabulous she was, something to show her what pinchy saw when he looked at her pinchy crawled up out of the ocean onto the sandy beach pinchy was very sad to be leaving the mermaid girl for the land, they had never been apart for more than a day, but pinchy knew that only there would he find what he needed to make her happy pinchy searched all over the land, finding nothing.. careful to avoid evil seafood restaurants like red lobster then one day pinchy came across a store full of his lovely mermaid! photos, drawings, paintings, books full of stories! he knew that this would help make her happy, but it wasnt enough he waited til it was dark and snuck into the store as they were closing and waited for the owners to leave he found a bag and filled it with all the wonderful presents for his mermaid when pinchy had finished he realized that now pinchy had to wait for the store to open again before he could leave and that he had to be careful not to get caught. they would send him to red lobster for sure ! pinchy was bored waiting so he started looking all over the store at all the other knickknacks and beautiful things they had he was walking along poking thigns with his pinchers when out of the corner of his lil antena eyes he saw another lobster! he quickly jumped to attack with his pinchers and saw that the other lobster did the same thing! there was going to be a battle! pinchy is not one to back down and he was on a mission for his mermaid girl! he must get the presents to her!
so pinchy jumped at the other lobster snapping his pinchers when BAM
he smacked right into what appeared to be a magic circle with the toher lobster trapped inside pinchy knew that something wasnt right about this magic circle he scooted to the left and so did the other lobster he scooted to the right and so did the other lobster he lifted his pinchers and opened and closed them.. so did the other lobster pinchy quickly realized that that wasnt another lobster trapped in the magic circle, it was his reflection! "OH", he thought, " this is exactly what my mermaid girl La La need to know what I see when I look at her!"
pinchy understood now that the mermaid girl wasnt seeing her true self in the water ripples and now with the magic circle and the other mermaid things she would know how other people saw her he was so excited that he couldnt even rest before the store opened again, no nap for pinchy! he must get back to la la. it had been to long he missed her terribly! finally the store opened up and pinchy snuck out and down the the beach he was lucky that it was so early and no one was on the beach yet! he looked very silly pulling a bag in one pincher and a magic circle in the other into the ocean he went, relieved to finally be home along the ocean floor he crawled. all his ocean friends greeted him and told them how la la hadnt improved, in fact she had been worse since he left that made pinchy sad but he knew that he had to leave to get her these special presents all his ocean friends were amazed at what pinchy had found on the land and began to follow him to la la's ocean coral house, they wanted to see her face when she saw her own face ;) so along they all went to see la la the mermaid girl they arrived at her coral house and pinchy called for her to come out she was overjoyed to see pinchy and he was overjoyed to see her they hugged eachother lots and lots, pinchy is always very careful not to poke her
he told her about all the things he saw on land and about red lobster and how evil that place is and then he told her he had special presents for her first he showed her the books. in the books humans had written about times when they had spotted the lovely mermaid girl and the silly stories they had made up about her getting legs from the octopus
this amused la la. she was flattered that the humans had been so enthralled with a vision of her that they wrote stories about it
next pinchy showed her the paintings and the drawings again la la was shocked that they thought that much of her to make these wonderful pictures "pinchy," she asked him," i dont look anything like these pictures, why do they draw me this way" it was then that pinchy held up the magic circle la la jumped back in shock "WHO is that in that circle! why did you catch that beautiful mermaid and trap her in there!" she yelled pinchy replied, "but la la thats you. I went out on the land and got you all these presents to show you that you are wonderful and people think about you all the time. they make these stories and pictures of you because they see how wonderful you really are. I couldnt give you my eyes and my brain to show you. so i had to find these other things. do you understand now?" and la la did a grin spread across her face like it never had before. she held the circle and spun around. she flipped through the books. she gazed at the pictures she was finally happy and finally understood that we never see ourselves like other people do. the mirror is always rippled. sometimes it takes the love of friends to show you how much you really mean to the world ;)
This is the story my gale baby told me when i was very very sad yesterday i had to post it so i could read it over and over again when i get sad again |
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(infect me) |
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| 10:52am 19/03/2002 |
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mood: crushed
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Tears came falling down like drops of fire ready to burn all in its path..
house will turn to ash
skin will melt
tangable memories no longer exist..scared of myself and what i may do..a childs face...a frown...a tear..i couldnt bear to see any of it...hold it inside and wait till later...cut cut cut
This world is full of so much pain and i dont know if my little heart can hold any of it anymore..
too sensitive for this life |
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(2 infections | infect me) |
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| *Dark Mirrors & Cool Drops of Water* |
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| 09:44am 18/03/2002 |
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mood: rejected music: my fav song in the whole wide world right now-Drowning Pools
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No longer able to distinguish the diffrence between rain drops and my own tear drops..disilusionment covers the mirrors in full form and makes me want to cry.. saddened by my own face clouds will come and save me from myself..fog my vision so i cant see me.. cut away the diseased physical part of my soul...infected with ugly can i ever heal this wound?
disenchanting my own little fairie world with demons from the other side i cannot lose myself in this.
I need a new everything i need a new physical me..tears well up in my dark brown eyes when i take to long with my makeup i despise looking in the mirror any longer than i have to...wants to shave my head and not care wants to curl it and put on more. |
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(2 infections | infect me) |
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| 10:03pm 09/03/2002 |
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You make me so mad as to a point of principle i want to vomit and leave the country.. |
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(1 infection | infect me) |
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| 09:15am 08/03/2002 |
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Hand blown glass hearts
...resinated.......dark over
Cloudy skies and haze filled glass
A single blade green......in the midst of black
........................................................................................
Flashbacks of you make me want to hold on forever |
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(infect me) |
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| 10:01am 07/03/2002 |
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......and it said Doll Face on the bottle,and i frowned..no longer breathing i just frowned..... |
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(2 infections | infect me) |
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