Verbose [Sunday.December.23.2001][09:47] I think I imagine myself some sort of columnist documenting in detail every day of my life. Maybe that's because the years between ages 19 and 21 are so blurry. I can't remember much of anything at all... what I did to pass those two years. What happened? Despite that excuse, I understand that the volume of this journal entry is absurd. Well, there are pictures that are also links and have popup dialogue... heh heh. ( Try it. You might like it. ) 3|*-?-*

Auto-Enabled Wish List [Saturday.December.22.2001][13:21] Despite the dialogue I've been having with solipsiae, I really need to mellow out on the eating. Granted, I don't think I want to lose weight. I'm happy to be 5'3", 125-130lbs and as much as a size 10. My thighs do stick together, but I also have substantial boobs and a certain curve to me, both of which I'm glad for. However, I do want to walk around without looking pregnant as a result of eating so much. Such that it gets hard for me to breathe because I've eaten so much yummy and often free holiday food in the past two weeks. My normal diet, which I'm satisfied with, is pretty hefty and unhealthy as it is, but the bloating from eating Popeyes and washing it down with grape soda is always temporary. Now it won't go away, it just gets worse. Time to stop over-indulging so much, I guess. Which leads into the famous resolutions, none of which I believe have anything to do with food. ( My Resolutions for 2002: A Three Part Report ) *-?-*

Theoretical Porn Movie Name: Stuffed by Butter Horn [Saturday.December.22.2001][08:43] The last couple days have been a blur. In more good ways than bad. There haven't been many bad ways at all. My treatment brought about only one side effect, and the extreme fatigue might have been just way I normally am in the winter rather than a result of the pills. I guess it was no big deal. Spending a lot of time with The Boy has been funny. Odd to me. We are just like friend-girl and friend-boy, chatting and joking and sometimes sitting in a comfortable silence the way friends do. But then we kiss a lot and often keep each other warm at night. The added benefit of reversing the words. Friend-boy. Boy-friend. I keep getting a tiny bit scared that I don't like him enough. There isn't real reason or evidence to even consider that as fact, but I feel scared anyway. It's a minor worry. Yesterday afternoon, he tried to get a hold of me because he was bummed he couldn't work. We didn't talk until until midnight. By then he was zoning out after having just seen Lord of the Rings Pt. 1, and I was too tired to even offer to drive over to his place. I'm not normally less than elated about participating in such late-night ventures. But I was last night. It still feels fine to sleep in a bed alone. The Virginia Cafe in downtown Portland is a pretty great place to go during happy hour. It's a very old-style pub. Formerly a prostitute hangout- a hundred years later, it's where alt-yuppies go to drink after a good day at Nordstrom. But they had good drinks and happy hour prices made drinking and eating there affordable. Melissa Jealous Butcher invited us out there after I agreed to give her a ride. She bought me and Kate drinks. Rob showed up a little later, in good spirits (like always). In the middle of a conversation, he asked me quite interestingly, "Do you know T.???" Which is weird because Melissa knew that we were dating when she asked me a nearly identical question about a month ago. "Yeah," I stammered and smiled. "We're friends." Left it at that. Later on, he asked Kate and I about the particular reasons we got choked up when Elliott started playing "Between the Bars." My brain was frantically looking for some lie or excuse, however simple or grandiose, that wasn't about T., but by the time Kate got done talking about why she did, I was off the hook- forgotten about. That actually happens to me a lot (getting lost in the shuffle of conversations), and this time I certainly didn't mind it. The Royal Tenenbaums was pretty darn good. A little flat somehow, but still pretty entertaining. There was this most excruciating scene where "Needle in the Hay" comes on and one of the Tenenbaums takes a blade to his heartache. It was broken and so sad, and it was my favorite part of the movie. Am I sick for thinking that? 1|*-?-*

Frankenstein and Whirrrr... [Tuesday.December.18.2001][23:10] Please call me. Whenever you like. Why did we sever the ties to divide us so simultaneously? Who is pushing who away? Who is reaching out with silent screams? It doesn't feel as good to nuzzle anymore. This makes me feel as if I'm going to tear in two. I hope it's not because this is too easy- I don't want life to be that unfair for anyone. Nothing feels exciting right now/anymore. We've passed anticipation, passed first tastes, passing what next? The backlash of experiences breezing by is brisk, cold and makes me cringe. Why am I so sensitive about my apparent desensitization? 1|*-?-*

I got five more dollars, drink another. You'll feel fine... you'll feel fine. [Tuesday.December.18.2001][13:01] The phone got turned back on. I don't know what happened. But I still need to pay the bill. Bleh. Woke up super late. Boy was actually showing signs of being grumpy!!! He was aware of it though, and it was kind of funny. He wasn't being mean, just morning-y. He got up way earlier than I for just a few moments. I heard him put on his clothes and rummage in his drawers for change. Then he asked me where my keys were. He didn't tell me, but he moved my car and plugged the meters! I feigned sleepy ignorance, but inside, I was about to burst. In a good way. There were some other things he was thoughtful about (things I need to be thoughtful about too), and we talked. We worked some stuff out. 'Tis very good. Hope Kate is faring well. I wanted to tape David Copperfield for her, mostly because there's a lot of pug footage (Dora Spenlow has a pug named Jip). The pug, which is the spitting image of Soon-Yi, runs around with a huge pink ribbon on. It's quite adorable. Pugalicious. Dora tells Trot (the title character), "Now why don't you kiss Jip and stop being so disagreeable!" 5|*-?-*

Masterpiece Theatre Again. [Monday.December.17.2001][22:25] Dude, David Copperfield on PBS rocks. Dora, David's child-wife has a pug named Jip!!! And I love Amanda Ryan, the British actress who plays Agnes. She's brilliant. This is so great. I'm going to tape this. And read it here. The whole bloody book in online. Tonight will be great. 1|*-?-*

How Now, Bootie Breaks. [Sunday.December.16.2001][10:17] So the Boy came and saved the day last night. He took a little break, and he initially called me to ask, "Hey, wanna go see a movie or something?" But after having coffee, we tripped and got stuck going up the stairwell of my house. For a quite some time. Later, we talked. His father called him, and he might fly to see his mother in a week or two. Even though his father just barely apologized for threatening to disown him and his mother is blurry/unstable, he considers traveling because he loves her, he wants to oblige him, and because he needs to get away. But he also wants to work Christmas and New Year. The money is good. And his roommates are a pair of siblings without family nearby for the holidays- he doesn't want to leave them. "What are you doing for Christmas?" he asked me. Every year is the same. The schedule never changes- I work four til midnight. Since the schedule is weekly, with Dec24/Dec25 a week apart from Dec31/Jan01, I usually work both holidays with no time off, because I'm always a part-timer. Not that sad, really. I love my family, but we've never been all that hunky-dory about the holiday season anyway. I've been a little weirded out by him lately. Not in a bad way, though. All of a sudden, I've realized that spending time with me has some inkling of priority for him. It's unbelievable. I've never had this before. I don't really know what to do with this. Things I'm grateful for: Co-habitating with really inspiring, incredible ladies Kate (who has brains and sensibility for two- she's been sharing that wealth, haha), Melanie (warm, funny, talented little rock star, the most driven person I know), and, right now, Shan (incredibly wonderful travel partner, patient with me, hysterical and so much fun). Living in a house where I can bang on a drum set or have people over for a red-hued drinking party (neither of which, I might note, I actually do that often) without the promise of a police appearance. Being in a town that is full of interesting characters (friends I know being only a fraction of them), projects and events that are happening all the time. A boy who is so sweet and so nice, and has made my body and soul pretty consistently happy for more than three weeks now. My job(s). They are boring, but they more than cover the bills. 4|*-?-*

Good Stuff [Saturday.December.15.2001][19:31] Kate bitterbyrden made me her version of bangers and mash, which is to say, it is far superior to the standard. She hand-mashed her rosemary and garlic mashed potators, used Portugese sausage and served it with fried tomatoes and mushrooms. I'm working on my second helping of the mash. My stomach hurts. Josh just called. He's taking a break. We're going to the movies. God, I am so fucking lucky right now. He just so happens to be saving me from another person's minor indiscretions and he doesn't even know it. 7|*-?-*

Hooray for - BAM! [Saturday.December.15.2001][11:15] This morning I woke too late to wash my hair. I had clumpy, flaky, gross hair in need of lathering care, so I grabbed shampoo, soap, a towel, etcetera, and rushed to work, where I planned to bathe during a break in the rush of the program recording schedule. Just as I was singing the praises of having a shower in the ladies bathroom here at work (on MY floor, no less), I turned to grab my conditioner and proceeded to slam my face into the corner of the shower door. Oh man, the fear that spread throughout my body, thinking that I might have possibly busted a tooth. Basically, I ran my face into the door, mouth-first, cutting open my upper lip pretty deep on my upper front tooth. So now I'm gently holding together the two sides of my lip-gash with my mouth, hoping it will heal very soon. It's worthy of stitches, but I'll be damned if I'm going to the hospital for stitches on my puny lip. Last night, I was so groggy and tired. I didn't do anything. Sat, wrote e-mail, ate pho, drank tea and water, laundered sheets with Kate, drank Aussie Ural alkalizing mix, talked with The Boy on phone, napped, drank a glass of water, talked with Kate, ate corn chowder and a spoon of strawberry-flavored acidophilus, drank water, talked with Josh again, went to bed. Tonight will be less uneventful. I'm hoping to stop by Charlie's (papawheelie) little shindig (everyone is invited- check out his LJ for info), and maybe see the Holy Sons play at the Blackbird. I'm thinking that today might be a good day to make my Christmas cards so I can send them ASAP (they might be late- it's my first year I'm sending any at all). Also must catch up with my future husband, Horatio Sanz tonight- see what he is up to. And stop thinking about that other boy, the one who hasn't returned my call. 16|*-?-*

From Oriental Whatever, Issue #3: The Art (Or Faking It) [Friday.December.14.2001][14:31] This is from a zine- not my writing. A guy named Dan Wu wrote it about three years ago, and Kate showed it to me. Very funny. I'm transcribing it directly. The Art (Or Faking It) In junior high school, kids would always ask me if I knew Karate. Usually I wouldn't answer them straight or I'd strike a side-stepping pose I'd seen in Enter the Dragon (or Revenge of the Ninja). Sometimes I'd even show off a ridiculous jump kick or two. Once while fooling around by myself, I roundhoused my leg thru the glass door of my 9th grade junior high school. Through luck & a straight face, no one ever found out it was me. (Being on the academic team helped.) Looking back, I'm surprised that my Kung-Faking never got challenged by some overgrown 14 year old. I remember one particularly defining incident. I was sitting in a park with a couple of friends when some local young toughs strolled up. They started making fun of one of my friends. We all stayed silent, afraid to talk back but too proud to walk away. Then one of the hooligans gestured toward me and said to his buddies, "Don't mess with that guy, he's bad." A few minutes later, they walked away. I smiled on the inside (while maintaining my "bad-ness" on the outside). I was glad that my imaginary fighting prowess saved us from getting whooped for no reason. I would later recall a scene from Enter the Dragon that reflected this event. The participants are on their way to Han's island when a rude bloke steps up to Bruce & asks him what his style is. Bruce nonchalantly says, "You can call it the Art of Fighting Without Fighting." The bloke challenges Bruce to a fight whereupon Bruce dupes him into getting into a lifeboat that gets set adrift. In the movie, the moral is that the ability to kick ass is not as good as the wit to avoid conflict. In my case, however, it proved that perception is everything, reality did not matter. I never had to prove myself because of an unfounded fear & respect based solely & completely on my ethnicity. You can call it The Art of Being Asian Without Being Asian. Thanks Bruce. *-?-*

Break time. [Friday.December.14.2001][12:20] I've been meaning to write more but either A) Josh will be lurking around, peeking and stuff (he has an e-mail account but never checks it) or B) there will be a lack of something to say. Well, now the boy is at his place, probably sleeping or whatever. He's going back to work again tonight. Friday nights are good for cab driving. I'm here, debating coffee or tea, toast or eggs or both. Not much on the agenda, but to plan out packages and launder my linens. Since everything is going so well, I don't really have much to complain about. The Boy says that *ahem* I've kept him more "busy" than any girl he's ever dated, and I don't mean that in emotionally smothering and needy terms. We seem to click rather well. He accompanied me on my three-hour journey to the suburban shopping mecca in Tanasbourne (where Target, Mervyns, Michael's, Old Navy, Barnes and Noble, Ross, Office Depot, and Bed, Bath and Beyond line up like peas in a pod). I've never been shopping like that with a boy before and thought it would be miserable, but it was a lot of fun. He was super helpful (since I am a total scatterbrained airhead). He said that Tanasbourne reminded him of Fort Collins, which is funny because it reminds me of Medford. We got ice cream and loafed around. Later, we got a movie with Kate, and then played scrabble (he was a willing participant!!!). I was excited to play one-on-one, but figured that he might not be that good. To my joy/chagrin, he ended up thirty points ahead of me by the middle of the game. He is really good! I underestimated him horribly- he plays himself off as just "one of the dudes" so what was I supposed to think? But just as I was hating him and about to call it quits, I layed the smackdown and won by fifty points. He wants a rematch. My reply was "Oh yes, there will be a rematch." In other news, I still want to marry John Turturro. Kate and I watched Box of Moonlight- such a charming movie. It has inpired me to draw up a list. FAMOUS PEOPLE I WOULD LIKE TO MARRY SOMEDAY (and then divorce, so I can marry the next person on the list, but in no particular order) John Turturro- because his facial expressions are so funny and endearing, even when meant to be scary. Horatio Sanz- we have the same birthday. he is hysterical and squishable. it has to be in the stars. Jack Black- no one sways his belly the way he does, freaks out the way he does, woo with his song the way he does. except for... Ryan Adams- ... who lacks the belly, but is a genuine badass rocker, which is always sexy. young misunderstood prodigy. ahh. Josh thinks it's funny that I crush out on these people. But I think he's secretly jealous. He should be- I'll have Horatio knocking on my door any minute- haha. 6|*-?-*

Smells like fire. [Tuesday.December.11.2001][19:55] My friend from Southern Oregon just wrote me an e-mail. "What's my favorite Ben Lauden groupie up to?" Grrr. I responded, "You should probably check your spelling if you want to insult me with class." He told me that I shouldn't be so sensitive. Later, he backpedaled by saying "By the way, I know you're not a Ben Lauden groupie. :)" Repulsive, true. But he's still my friend. We've known each other for eight years. He is pivotal to the experiences I had in my late teens to early twenties because he was awesome enough to tip fifteen-year old me to the job opening at the conservative talk radio network, back in early 1995. Many times I have considered cutting him off for good, due to his occasional bouts of doggedly obnoxious behavior. But it's never been on par with using a friend of mine for sex, or flaking out on a huge commitment to me, or even being a huge jackass. He's just that annoying older brother I want to sock in the face every now and then for not backing down on his little "jokes." We'll be friends for life, I think. Not many people can quite understand that. He still wanted to know what I was up to lately. I drew up a proper reply, coloring inside the lines, but I really don't know what I have been up to lately. It's been a blur of what has not happened in the past, and what may not happen in the future. The present is not as pessimistic or gloomy, but it's just as unclear. The present has also, to my chagrin, revolved around my relationship with men. All romantic endeavors aside, sometimes you conjure and puff everything up to make like you are doing big things, when you're really just living life day to day. It's difficult to avoid feeling like a parasite upon the world's precious resources at this point. 3|*-?-*

Christmas is Sneaky [Monday.December.10.2001][18:45] Today was nice. I slept in, although alone. The Boy and I have made plans to sleep in together in a couple days. "You will be all mine," he said. Yep yep yep. Those two mix tapes Keehnan and Wesley made for me have been making me all tingly and happy. I was shocked and amazed- they are wonderful. Masterful. Soon, I will listen to the ones I got from Zac and Stephen too. I'm sure I will love both of them. After I dropped Kate off at work, I went to Jackpot to buy Elliott Smith tickets for her and Josh, got coffee, and wandered around downtown. I haunted Reading Frenzy and bought this zine called Hit It Or Quit It. I picked it up because it was cheap ($2.50), funny, and less slick than the other big zines that are selling like hotcakes. The advice column had me bawling in laughter. The record reviews are also excellent- lengthy, detailed, personal, almost schizophrenic, but often honest and written in good fun. I couldn't bring myself to spend money on Little Engines or Copper Press today. They both looked really good though. I wouldn't even pay $4 for Giant Robot, and it used to be a must-have. Also, Kogepan mini-stickers were on sale, but instead, I chose a stationary set that was marked down from $4.50 to $2. I need to send out more letters. Christmas is fast approaching, and there are cards that need to be made and mailed, mix tapes that need to be put together. There are about five people I am going to send gifts to (none family members, except my brother), and only because I feel inspired to make them utterly happy for maybe just one moment. The holidays overall don't feel that festive to me, but I want to perhaps spend a day trying my hand at baking cookies while drunk on eggnog mixed with too much bourbon. But I can see it now- Kate is laughing at me for writing this. She's likely predicting that I'll never even get out to buying the ingredients ("It's too cold outside!" will be my excuse) and I'll get sloshed on one mug of eggnog/bourbon, passing out in the early afternoon. She'll probably be right! But what is the holiday season without unnecessary, unrealistic fantasies? What do you do for a boy you've been seeing for a few weeks whom you're already mushy for, but employing restraint, and whose birthday falls on Christmas Eve? Buy him a gift? Lock him in your room and grant him twelve wishes? Hrm. My tummy is doing these flip-flopping things right now. FLIP vs. FLOP explained... (RE: A lot more crap that belongs in my journal, but that you might not want to see because you either, A) Already read about it countless times before in my previous posts or B) Don't care.) ( * ) 6|*-?-*

About Last Night [Sunday.December.09.2001][12:05] Last night was very cozy. Craving ice cream, we drove across the bridge to Sellwood to have corndogs and ice cream shakes for dinner. Then we stopped in and said hello to Tamara before not going to the Charm Bracelet opening. It was too crowded and people were in ginchy moods, so we didn't stay. There was a late showing of Ocean's Eleven that we caught. The movie was smart and funny, but both he and I were horribly distracted by each other. Boys like him make me want to pay the admission to see a movie just to indulge in the fact that they aren't too embarassed to hold my hand or sit close in public. My heart wanted to crumble when T. would sit and be so far away. Now it feels suspiciously full. His friend from Dutch Flat and another friend in a band called Science D'Abra (sp?) were over at the house when I went over there. Before we went out, we sat around shooting the breeze, and I mentioned wanting to put on a house show. I asked whether they would be interested in playing, and they were pretty into the idea. So if and when that happens (I'm thinking, with Joe's help, sometime in mid-to-late January), I'm going to have to arrange to call a bunch of people and going postering. Which are the parts I like the least about doing this. But what a great opportunity to learn how to put on a show. Having gotten only three hours of sleep last night is fine by me. Things are so comfortable. Josh and I had good talks between good other things, and we put on Chasing Amy, which sort of dictated how the mumblings and whispers went. He said that we were being mushy, but I would have argued, had I not been so tired, that I was just tired. Maybe we were being mushy. Apparently had a good week when he met me. He got another girl's number, in addition to mine. He told his friends that he at least got one he actually liked (mine), and that he felt goofy "breaking the rules" by calling the very next day. Some time after he talked about that, I came out about how I had recently stopped dating someone, just around (obviously using that word extremely loosely) the time he and I got together. I described to him the situation, in neutral, unemotional terms. He commented, "You sound like you're still bummed out about him." And I couldn't disagree. I am sad. But I'm over it. It feels like night. I just realized that it's noon. My friend is supposed to call around 5, and for some reason, I was thinking, "It's way too late for Lindsey to be calling me!" Lack of sleep. Not very interesting. Laundry, coffee, show tickets, and a nap. Possibly work on my website again. That will be my afternoon. 2|*-?-*

Dear Friends [Saturday.December.08.2001][01:16] Jane is a dunce. Apparently, Kate heard it from Ezra wrong, and that band I love so dearly did not abruptly break up, but their van broke down. That, and the venue had their phone service cut off due to minor delinquencies, so they had no idea what was going on, other than heresay. I'm a moron. The upside is that the boy from Dutch Flat, whom I shared my gossip (DAMN ME!!!) with said, "Aw man, that sucks. Just when they're really doing it, are really awesome... they might be breaking up." That was good to hear. Dutch Flat is so amazing. I'm so glad they moved to Portland. Boy was drunk drunk drunk. He was glad to see me, but quite weirded out by many things, the minor one being that we couldn't really hang out tonight. His friend in the Ex-Bestfriends was in town- they hadn't seen each other in months. Naturally, that was fine with me. My self-esteem isn't THAT shot to hell. Other things weirding him out today were that his mother called, he got his stitches taken out, and he has to go back to work on Sunday (I think- he said something about wanting to spend time with me tomorrow before going back to work). He also started drinking at about six (haha). It's amazing that he weathers through so much, and still manages to give me nothing additional to grieve or worry about. He actually felt guilty for not being able to hang out with me. It's almost frightening how great that is. Since we thought that band I love so much broke up, Shan and I went over to the Blackbird to drink our sorrows away. And, HELLO! Can I just comment about how much I love this city? The crowd was really weird- lots of yuppies permeated throughout. But I got to talking to a few people, and it's crazy because there are so many worth knowing and getting to know. For who they are and sometimes even what they've accomplished. Sometimes I really dread going to shows because I get antisocial, but I also love the sense of community that the Portland arts/music scene has. I haven't really detected a close-knit quality about Seattle- I wouldn't really be able to unless I lived there I guess- but it seems like Seattle is more disconnected, and the scene appears to be more sensationalistic and almost campy. Or maybe there is an underlying group of people in Seattle just trying to do their music and it is tightly knit. If so, it's still not as predominant as the one in Portland. There's an industry in Seattle. Maybe lack of an "industry" makes Portland less gossipy and exciting, but I definitely wouldn't sit as comfortably in this city if it did. I had an awesome conversation with my friend who was on his break from the bar. He, his girlfriend and bandmate have formed a new project and he expressed interest in playing a house show. He also said that the paper in Vancouver printed the interview James and I did with his primary band, and he received a copy of it in the mail, which was exciting. We got into a discussion about how pretentious, superficial and unapproachable a few of the people who attend shows and parties at our house are. It branched off into talks about feeling weirded out when you're suddenly part of a group or a scene, and how that changes you. I've definitely changed since I've moved here, and it was interesting that someone else could relate to feeling like a poseur for having done so. I explained that if I were to put on shows at our house, I would try have them be more stranger-friendly (I guess that's how I would put it). He said he would be able to help me out figuring the sound stuff. Maybe I could get a good group of bands together and have a show sometime before Melanie gets back. That would be a great thing to learn how to coordinate. Another reason why I love this city- SO MANY fine young people here. Fine as in foxy. Foxy with moxie. THIS WEEKEND: +++ clean room +++ hang out with/attack Boy +++ go to Charm Bracelet opening +++ buy more Elliott Smith tickets +++ get Royal Tennenbaums advance tickets online +++ figure out Christmas presents and cards +++ update website (Wayne sent me more cool reviews) +++ do laundry 34|*-?-*

E is for esoteric [Friday.December.07.2001][19:18] Esoteric is a word I like to say, but not use. On that note, might I outline that some people: 1- Can go eat poo. For not calling me. For not returning my calls. For being accusatory or oblivious. I hate the phone, but it is imperative sometimes to force me to answer it, in order keep up our friendships. I also don't like maintaining communication primarily through e-mail unless necessary because it leaves me feeling empty. But without it, we have nothing, especially when we live hours and hours away. I still love you/them, but SHEESH! 2 - Are so unbelievably lovable. For listening. For telling. For being. For loving and being loved. For being excited and missing me, and allowing themselves to understand how great they are in that they are loved by their friends and missed and loved by me. Some I wish to tell both #1 and #2, simultaneously. And now, detail. It was a good week. So happy, mellow, filled with eating, sitting, talking, smoking, looking, relaxing. Oh, and driving. Tonight there are two great shows- one all-ages (Seattle bands extraordinaire- Aveo, Chevron, Mine Thirty-Seven, Ex-Bestfriends) and one alcohol-friendly (Slowdance bands extraordinaire- Wow & Flutter, Roots of Orchis, Even Johansen, The Velvet Teen). I am happy to get to see The Boy (there is only one now). He is a bit scattered today- his friends in the Ex-Bestfriends are down here, and some other friends just moved to Portland from Seattle. Oh yeah, he got his stitches taken out too. Poor guy. I called him and he was happy and he told me, "I want to see you right now." But he hasn't seen a couple of his friends in months, so we settled on seeing each other at the Meow Meow show and going from there. He wants to go see the other show at the Blackbird too. Either way, I will probably attack him as soon as I am able to. I just got back and already wish Seattle and Portland would shift closer together so that we could be just a bridge away from one another (or at least less than three hours drive away from one another). 4|*-?-*

A Tale of Two Boys (and for once, not those two) [Tuesday.December.04.2001][16:28] 1. While I was leaving my house, I spotted a red VW bus driving opposite of me, and I swore for one moment that I saw my friend William in the passenger seat. He's supposed to be playing at the Meow Meow on Thursday- I didn't know that while planning my trip to Seattle (hoping to get to visit with him and return his Kundera book). So we'll miss each other, unless he's in Seattle and is free tomorrow (I haven't gotten an e-mail response so I don't know). I want to chit chat with him and have tea and stuff. Friend boys are good. But was that him??? Weird. 2. I went on a mission in search of the pink sweater and walked twice or three times by this really cute musician boy on his smoke break from the pizza joint on the corner of Hawthorne. We'd already met a couple of times, and as I walked by him, I thought I sensed him looking at me, but I froze up and avoided eye contact. Yes, I'm a moron. We've met! He is an interesting and sweet boy! But sometimes I get shy. He's intimidatingly cute, and I need to keep myself on a leash because I've been kind of predatory lately. A monster. Lock up your sons. Oh yeah, I bought my Elliott Smith ticket at Jackpot. But I didn't have enough money to buy Kate and maybe Josh one. I need to do that. 3|*-?-*

Lovely day. (Yucky weather) [Tuesday.December.04.2001][14:08] Lordy lord, I am happy. The heat in our house is working again! Did you know that if you wanted to fly to England in five days, if you bought your ticket now, it would be under $300 round trip? A list of basic schmattes and doo-dads has been made. I whittled it down to one big backpack of stuff. Now I just need my passport and my tickets and I'm off! Spending time in someone's warmly lit bedroom, underneath their velveteen covers, just holding their hand and listening to Slint on the phonograph... such a lovely cliche come true. The lovelier part is when they ask, without being whiny, when they'll get to see you again. My reply was I don't know, but I know it will be soon. I didn't invite him to Seattle. Not even to be polite. I don't like making eyes glow on promises I can't keep. We can always go again, together. This trip is mine and Shan's. Now I go look for that pink sweater I put on hold. Pledge tonight. Cheese trays and condescending female directors. Malfunctioning automation systems. Bleh. 4|*-?-*

[Monday.December.03.2001][19:15] I just wanted to see how he was doing. Didn't want to pull that awful "never calling again" deal. And I didn't quite get a slap in the face for it, but I could tell that he was tightly wound by how cold his tone was. him: "-don't- can't talk..." me: (silence, because wasn't about to volunteer calling back, due to his obvious agitation) him: "Could you just call me back later?" me: "Um, fine." (we hang up) me, to myself: "I am not calling back... I am not calling back... I am not calling back..." So now my mood is totally fucked for pledge, I can't talk to anyone about this because I'm the fucked up moron for wanting to maintain ties to this even more fucked-up guy I care about, and it really, really sucks. It does. Tonight fucking sucks and I can't wait to go home to bed so that I don't have to talk to anyone or look at any goddamn person at all. 18|*-?-*

My little rap ditty. [Monday.December.03.2001][18:21] Easy come, easy go I want fast, fuck off "slow" Sum it up, feel like ho. Easy come, easy go. Wash it off, then come clean. Pushed away, want to scream. Starry-eyed- not what seemed, Washed it off, then came clean. (hahahaha) 2|*-?-*

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