Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Polymorphus' LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Wednesday, December 12th, 2001
10:11 am	FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I really fucking hate life right now. So sick of everything, everyone. I'm so sick of living like this. I want my own space. I want my life. I'm falling apart. I'm sick of being strong. I want to quit. Life sucks. Sick of all the bullshit everywhere all the time. Sick of being poor, spending all my money on other people as I fall deeper into debt when I should have been able to pay my debts off a couple months ago. Should have been able to afford to live on my own long before now. If it wouldn't destroy my little sister, I'd have killed myself long before now I'm sick of life. I'm sick of feeling the way I do. I'm sick of fighting to feel good and never winning. I'm sick of finding out that my head is all fucked up everytime I'm just starting to think I'm going to be ok. I'm sick of me because I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I probably will never know. I used to know me. I used to be happy. I used to have everything I ever wanted. It all got taken away from me. My whole life, my whole sense of identity... I do so much for other people and get so little back. No one seems to understand that I need something in return. Everything is out of balance, including my fucking head. My life is hard enough to deal with when everything around me is going well. in conclusion, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYTHING Current Mood: distressed Current Music: Resident Evil being played on the PS2
Tuesday, December 4th, 2001
8:04 pm	sit sipping silently Bloody Mary extra spicy spent, sulking in solitude, an evening of others sleeping searching in darkness suffering from blindness since spirituality -- life sucked away leaving pain Outside seems the same enter the in, find nearly empty A shell Once something more sucked of its latent life in need of a mechanism of reverse to redeem, repair the hurt A hell on earth Zombie with a live body but little life within What has happened to me? (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 15th, 2001
11:35 pm	Chicago The other day we went up to chicago. I had a lot of fun even though we didn't really do a whole lot. I've not spent much time there at all, and since I've spent most my life in a small town, the city is really exciting. Also, it was the first time I've driven there myself. Traffic wasn't bad, in fact it was kinda fun driving. I'd really like to spend more time in chicago and take advantage of what it has to offer, but for now I don't have the extra money. What I really need to do is find some bitch in the city to go hang out with every few weeks and have dirty nasty sex... That'd be great cuz I'd be getting the sex I haven't had in a long ass time, and I'd have a guide to the city. Can't ask for more than that. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 10th, 2001
9:33 am	nothing exciting haven't written anything in several days. Thought I'd write something today. OK. I need some pussy. Some soft pink juicy verginal pussy. Mmmmmmmm..... Current Mood: horny Current Music: people ambience (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 3rd, 2001
7:46 am	(1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 31st, 2001
12:06 pm	Fuck you all I hate humans. I really do. There's souls out there that I don't consider human... they're my friends. Humans might was well be made of plastic... they're so fucking fake I'm sick of it. I'll stick with my brothers and sisters. Fuck the rest of you. You're about as usefull as a blow-up doll. Plastic is meant to be used. And Plastic does get used and then thrown aside Sentimental attachments occur sometimes Fuck it all Plastic people, plastic hair, plastic faces Plastic trash to be thrown aside Waste forgotten Current Mood: enraged Current Music: dude playing "lick lick lick ya from ya head to ya toe" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 29th, 2001
3:35 am	I'm a sick bastard I've always wanted to ejaculate into someone's ear or up their nose That would be fun Know anyone willing? Current Mood: amused Current Music: Still Synthetic Pleasures (Comment on this)
3:25 am	I'm so happy to have a piece of steel in my dick again... I was kinda for a while when I didn't have any. I SHOULD have three pieces of steel in my dick, but unfortunate circumstances (lost jewelry and no money to replace) stopped that from happening. One hole has closed up, the other is needs stretched back open, and the third is a completely new hole (see picture) I put in myself about a week ago. Thing that really sucks is I can't even masturbate right now unless I want to risk irritating the piercing, building up excess scar tissue, and possibly infection. Damn, by the time I can whack it, I'm gonna be shooting out salt pellets or something. I need to release often. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Synthetic Pleasure Compilation (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 28th, 2001
9:29 am	I love my Tarot Deck I did a tarot reading yesterday, and apparently a young woman will be entering my life soon. It's about time. I don't go out and look for mates. I just wait for my my path to cross with another's, and it seems to work pretty well. I haven't had many relationships, but they've all been rewarding. Anyway, this tarot deck is fucking amazing. It isn't vague at all, and it smacks you across the face everytime. Current Mood: restless Current Music: Noises from Diablo II (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 21st, 2001
9:37 am	Naked Boy is here Last night was fun. I played my little part in a fashion show. Not too many people in the show knew what I was gonna streak. From backstage I ran out onto the stage and scurried up to the front of the stage where I jumped into the croud of people there, then ran around and exited to backstage again. I should have scurried around a little more and shown off my new shiny, but I didn't. I couldn't stick around after the show either because I had to fuckin get to work at 10pm. Oh well Speaking of my shiny... Well, I used to have 2 frenum piercings. One I kept having troubles with, I guess my dick was rejecting it or something. The other I lost the jewelry... been so damn poor that I haven't been able to afford get a new piece, and the hole has gotten small... I can get a fat needle through it, but 16ga probably would even fit. Anyway, in light of the fact I was going to show off all of me, I decided yesterday would be a great day for a breand new shiny. I wanted to go with a 12ga barbell, but they were out in the length I needed, so I said "fuck it" and got a 14ga instead. I can get it streched to a 12ga later on with the help of frequently flogging the dolphin. I would have pierced right below the head again, but that's where I had trouble before and there's scar tissue and it's very had to get things lined up, etc. doing it myself. I will get that spot (the best spot) done again, but likely I'll have someone else do it that's a little more experienced than me. Eventually I want to have a frenum ladder with at least 5 piercings. RAR!!... speed bumbs for the pussy and me!! yeah, another reason it was a good time to do this piercing was cuz the pussy hasn't been around these parts for a while, so might as well render my dick unusable for a few weeks since I don't even have any prospective pussy about. Of course, I'm gonna have to hold off on masturbation for a few days as well, and that's gonna be rough. Gotta have some relief, ya know. B (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 19th, 2001
9:05 pm	Ahh,... another night at work I'm so excited. Can you feel it. I get to go to work in less than an hour and spend ten hours overnight there. At least I'm in charge for the most part and don't have to do too much work. Hopefully the idiots won't bother me too much. I just painted my nails a little while ago -- a nice dark teal color. I expect I'll get shit from the customers as usual. It's kinda fun listening to people come up for reasons why I shouldn't wear nailpolish. People are ignorant. I don't like people. So, my hair is kinda blue now, with hints of red. I'm so glad to be rid of the brown. A week of that was just way too long. I need some kinda of female companionship. I miss cuddling and little shit like that. I mean, I could really use a good lay, but that always brings about other issues, attachments, etc... I'm too damn picky, and that combined with the fact I'm kind of a freak, makes it really hard. Plus I'm not very aggressive when it comes to picking up the other sex. Once I get an 'OK' from one, though, look out... blah blah blah, I'm rambling. So I got some good news tonight. I get to be naked tomorrow. I'll give you the details afterwards. Maybe my manhood flopping in the breeze will attrack a few sexy lil girls. Kinda doubt it, but the thought is nice. I'm gonna pain my toenails now. Why? nothing else to do. B (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 18th, 2001
9:06 am	much better now That was a quick little shit. So, where was I... I'm honestly not sure. Sleep dep is so fun. I'm gonna have to go crash here in a little while. Hehe... this new girl at work started flippin out when I showed her my tat (see pic) My manager and I were laughing at her going off about how she's gonna drag me to church and get her pastor and they're gonna prey for me cuz I have satan's mark on me and I could get possessed by demons and shit... Gotta love fuckin with Christians Nailed up, hung up by hands, hang around bone and skin full of sin rotting falling to it preachers calling Gather 'round prophet man Tears fall to sand told of love, taught to hate man on cross boards Carpenter teach us hate B Current Mood: relieved (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:00 am	eggs with hot sauce Mmmmm.... eggs with hotsauce and beer: the breakfast of champions. I feel sorry for those who will be around my ass later on. This Sam Adams Octoberfest beer is damn good. Maybe not as good as plain ole sammy, but good enough. Uh oh.. I think the eggs and hot sauce is already kicking in. Must.... make... it.... to.... *running fast* Current Mood: frantic... I've gotta shit (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 16th, 2001
9:09 am	My brother's married now. It was funny, right before the wedding he said, "well, I guess it's time to put my balls on the shelf." I actually had a good time being home and around family. Some of them I hadn't seen in quite some time. I also got to see some people I went to high school with at the little redneck bar there. I was only having fun because I was drunk and laughing at these pathetic people who haven't changed a bit. Everyone kept telling me how good I looked -- happy and healthy. I guess for a while I was pretty unhealthy. Dealing with being on the WRONG meds for bi-polar disorder for a year and a half and dealing with other shit and dealing with a fucking meth habit kinda put me under for a while. Also, I guess people said I was just "striking" all dressed up in a tux and shit. I can look damn smooooove, G, when I want to, but it's usually much more fun to look like street scum and direct all my attention to the color of my hair. I have good hair. I can't wait to start letting it dread again Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: My Ass +toot+ (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 11th, 2001
9:09 pm	family matters in the morning after working for ten hours I get to drive 2 1/2 hours to my home town, then my brother, step-dad and I will back track to Peoria which is 1.5 hours from my hometown... why we can't meet in peoria, I don't know. I have to go through peoria on my way home. Oh well, I won't be driving, so I'll sleep to and from Peoria in the car. It's really strange that my brother is getting married... and having a kid. Not sure what I think about it all. Not much I can think about it since it's not really my business. I like the pharmacist at work, he's such a pervert Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: TV noise (Comment on this)
9:09 pm	family matters in the morning after working for ten hours I get to drive 2 1/2 hours to my home town, then my brother, step-dad and I will back track to Peoria which is 1.5 hours from my hometown... why we can't meet in peoria, I don't know. I have to go through peoria on my way home. Oh well, I won't be driving, so I'll sleep to and from Peoria in the car. It's really strange that my brother is getting married... and having a kid. Not sure what I think about it all. Not much I can think about it since it's not really my business. I like the pharmacist at work, he's such a pervert Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: TV noise (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
8:36 am	too much sleep I hate it when I oversleep. I wanted to go out last night, but by the time I woke up it was too late, so I just went back to sleep until I woke up at 7:30 this morning. Normal hair sucks. I had to dye it brown because I'm the best man in my brother's wedding this weekend. Ugh... *shivers* I'm gonna have to wear a tux and nice clothes, too. more later, must to to the store. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2001
10:57 am	Are you cool??? Everyone needs to check this out. It will tell you if you are "cool" or not http://www.tripzine.com/features.asp?id=cool (Comment on this)
9:53 am	sleeping beauty(?) Well, I just slept for 20 hours. Sometimes I guess it's good to do that especially when I stay up for days on end. But, mostly I just wanted a little vacation from everything. I know I had a really kick ass dream (thank you Calea Zacatechichi -- the dream herb), but I can't recall it now. Typical. Went and got donuts this morning and as I was walking down green street I got to watch the sunrise. The world can be beautiful when you ignore everything man has done to it. Ugh... I sound like a hippy My hair is really hard. It's amuzing when I shake my head and my hair clicks. I think I should get a hold of Jessalynn, it's been a long time, but it might be good just to let her know I'm still alive and doing a lot better (no meth habit driving me into the ground) than the last time we talked. I'm pretty certain I'm going to end up in Arizona. I might stick around here longer and save up money if I get accepted to the Conservatory of Recording Arts and Sciences since it has a long wait list. Who knows what I'll do, but I'm finally feeling good enough to let the winds carry me. Maybe that was the symbolic meaning of me becoming a bird while I was on my Ayahuasca journey. It's time I spread my wings and fly. Ugh... I sound like a hippy again In about a month, with luck, some of my money troubles may be coming to an end, thankfully. At least that's something to look forward to on a short term scale. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: none... everyone is sleeping. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 2nd, 2001
9:12 am	A lot of shit's going on, and I don't know what to think about it. Money is still a huge worry since I'm supporting three other people off of my crappy little job that barely satisfies my own needs/wants... obviously the situation is not working too well. I was in debt before, and now I'm getting sucked in really fucking deep. It's horrible since these people truly are my friends, but the thought of finding somewhere else to stay is very appealling, eventhough it would fuck them over since none of them are supporting anything but their own smoking habits. I originally came to them in need, hoping it would be a jump off point so I could clear up some debts and get my own life established. However, it's turned into a situation similar to that of which I was originally getting away from. Blugh! Life sucks. I also hate being in the middle of things, especially between people, but I always end up there. fucking sucks was late for work last night, not that it's unusual, but it was because I was feeling very apathetic and I let myself fall back to sleep. Massive sleeping gets more appealing everyday. Not a good sign; it means I'm getting more depressed and just don't wanna deal with the crap that comes while being awake. I think I'll drink some vodka and pass out for a while. My fucking head hurts, maybe I shouldn't drink, I'm tired as hell anyway after a long shitty-ass boring night at work. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: snoring (Comment on this)