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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in Ryan's LiveJournal:

    Thursday, March 21st, 2002
    12:37 pm
    So I decided to stay home today. Not in the mood to work today. I've been reading through all of her journals, looking at the time when things were getting better and better eveyday. I don't know I don't know where things started to go wrong. We just started getting complacent. We spent less and less time together. Things were going backwards. I started feeling uncomfortable around her, or maybe I was too comfortable. I don't know. It didn't feel the same, and it didn't feel the same for her either. I don't know. Maybe if we had just broken the routine. Maybe if I tried harder. Or maybe there was nothing we could do. Half of me says that I should insist that we get back together because I love her so much and it doesn't seem like something we can't fix. The other half of me thinks that there is more to it then what she said last night and doesn't want me to. I don't know. I have been breaking down everytime I think of her. I just can't do anything about it now anyways. I tried talking to her last night but I just choked up and couldn't speak. And I didn't want her to worry during her big final today. But she was right, I need to speak out more.
    Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
    8:03 pm
    Its over
    I guess my feeling was right. I actually saw this coming for a while, its just I guess I didn't want to believe it. I don't know. I really don't know. I love her so much. Things are going to be hard. We'll end up drifting apart like we have been for the past couple of months until we don't ever speak. I see it. We don't want it to happen, but it will. I may not ever see her again, and its killing me. Today is the first time I cried in a year. I might not ever see her again.

    Current Mood: gloomy
    12:50 am
    Insomnia
    Here I am, awake, when I should be asleep. This always happens when I have a lot to think about. Sometimes I end up lying in bed until 4 in the morning. So tonight I decided to update my journal instead of just lying there. Damn its been a weird couple of weeks. Some bad and some good, lots of change.

    Its been 2-3 weeks since I have seen CeCe. At first I didn't mind because we are both really busy so I have been distracted, but every day I just miss her more and more. Today at work she was all I thought about. It just feels like things are dying. I don't know, it just feels like there is something she wants to tell me but can't. I try to bring it up but I can only hint at it because I have a communication problem and she seems to avoid talking about it. She just seems uncomfortable when I tell her I miss her. Maybe I am just imagining it because its been so long. But there are things I know I am not imagining, mainly that we have been seeing each other less and less. I mean our 9th monthiversary is coming up on Friday and we are going to see each other. I don't even know when. What if it turns out to be never? Nine months. For me thats a long time. She is the first person I have ever loved. The only person. I love her so much. I need to bring this up. And not be subtle about it. Before she reads this.

    So whats been distracting me? Work, and work. I put in my 2 months notice. I hate the job so much, but I am going to miss it. Its been two years. I was listening to 'Trompe Le Monde' by The Pixies, and I just got so depressed. Before I got a cubicle and internet access at work, I would drive through the feet of the Sierras during lunch listening to that album. And I thought about it and all the time and the things that changed and where my life is headed and CeCe and my friends and I just don't know whats happening.

    And work has been insane. We are required to be in the lab at all times. We are rushed insanly. Things are insane. This is the revision of the part that will be released. After 3 years of our group not making a product that was good enough to even be released, this is the revision that will be sold. The pressure is insane. Every week we spend in testing costs us millions in lost sales. They sent in a professional axe. He evaluates groups and decides if they should be cut. Nobody knows this except for a couple people. People trust me with information they wouldn't tell a blabber mouth. Since I am going to be gone soon, I could slack, but I can't. Because well over 70 peoples jobs depend on the few of us in the design group. And it pisses me off cause these lazy support personel whose jobs I am working hard to save are sitting in the halls gang-hitting on the few women that work there and joking around. And some stupid fuck told the upper bosses that we would finish the testing in 5 weeks when we actually said 11 weeks. I hated working in this division. The only 2 people who I could even say I was friends with left because the stress of working on a product in an already maxed out technology sector got to them. One literally went crazy.

    And as far as getting the business going, well thats going ok. Ok, except I am going to have to do this on such a shoe string budget it even amazes a thrifty cheap ass like myself. So tax deduction doesn't mean it gets deducted from your taxes, just your taxable income. Great. Now I know. Lessons learned. A $4,500 lesson. Fucking christ. Or $3,000 depending on how you look at it. And what the fuck was I doing buying that car in the first place? Everytime I think about the situation I feel like shit.

    But I will persevere. If I kamakazi, I kamakazi. I don't give a fuck. Debt? Oooh, scary. Fuck you apprehension. Whats gonna kill me more then failure is not trying at all. Plus, I think I seriously can get this thing started for cheap. My hands are going to be tied on so many things, but I have the finances planned. The good thing is I won't need to buy any more equipment except a $300 SMD solderer and maybe a few other couple hundred dollar items. Industrial space is cheap, usually around the $.3-$.5 range. If I get a 1000 sq ft place for now I can start out real cheap. $300-$500 per month ain't shit. Then possibly live in it. I need to be determined. Instead of getting the $1k-$2k barcode registration, I will sell off of ebay and stuff for a couple months. That will not just save startup money, but I will get more money per sale. I will use already existing molds instead of having new ones made. That is something I would have to do anyways since molds and tooling this size cost $40k+. Plus looking at all the plastic fab methods I might have to do something similar to this forever. I didn't realize there were so few options. And the patent. That will probably cost around $2k. No way getting around that. Not that they really protect you when you are small. But if I ever become sucessful then I will need it, and if you don't get one after 1 year your IP becomes public domain.

    I need to get my funky ass coding. The developer kit I bought for the 68hc16 didn't come with a c compiler. Fuckers. I guess I should have checked explicitly for one, I just assumed it would have it. So it turns out most cost $500+. I a development kit that comes with one for $150. And thats cool because I don't like the one I have. I also need to set up contacts for the casing. Its going to be a pain in the ass because its going to need various tooling. And how the fuck do I get an LCD in a plastic case and make it look professional? The business plan is moving along great, at least.

    And I have seen my friends in a month. Everytime I hang out with them things just are weird though. I just can't connect with them anymore. I think I just need a break.

    And last but not least, I have bugs in my apartment. I don't know what the fuck they are. They look like ticks or small mites but I haven't found any in my hair. I vacuumed my floor and they didn't starve. I don't know what the hell they are eating. They don't eat flesh, they don't eat human food. And when you crush them they get up like nothing happened.

    Damn I need to talk to CeCe. I need to tell her how I feel. If I don't activly do something, I have no one to blame but myself.

    Current Mood: uncomfortable
    Current Music: Sonic Youth - 100%
    Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
    10:28 pm
    Burning sensation
    I guess one of my projects doesn't need to be secret, seeing as how its un-patentable. I am going to design an EMS machine (for excersise purposes). The ones being sold at consumer electronics market prices are very, very lacking, and since I can design one that far surpasses them and have an extremely low production price I can be very competetive. I have it halfway designed, I want to almost finish tomorrow. So I am testing out a generic $125 model. There are lots of things that could easily be improved with it, I already know how I am going to do everything. But it actually works, I have used it twice and I am already noticing a tiny bit of a difference. I am using it to simulate weight training. Its great being able to workout while eating or cleaning the house.

    CeCe is sick, very sick. We have a bad habit of getting each other sick, and we hung out today, so I guess I can look forward to it. But its worth seeing her. Its been like a week, since New Years Eve. We hung out at my Dean, Loric, and Jennies house. And I gave Dean my boa. Not much drinking going on for New Years, and my birthday on top of that. And I was designated driver, lucky me. First New Years in a while that I didn't puke or pass out. CeCe got drunker than I have ever seen her. It was funny but she was talking a lot and I was tired. One of these days we will get drunk at the same time.

    And what the hell is Gray Davis thinking, who the fuck would vote for him now?
    Wednesday, January 2nd, 2002
    7:12 pm
    New community...
    I made a capitalism community.

    Current Mood: relaxed
    Friday, December 28th, 2001
    12:34 pm
    This explains a lot...
    Typical fun filled day at the sports arena for Afghans...

    Anyways, here I am at work having had no sleep. But its ok because nobody is here anyways. God I feel sick. But I am also excited because I am now ready to make some real progress on my business. I will begin doing my designs tonight and I had started planing the corporate structure yesterday. This book I read couldn't stress enough to me the importance of making the corporate structure even when you are small and then filling it in as you grow. The other important lessons were treating the business as a prototype and not a job 'working' for yourself, and to make it systematic enough to franchise it (even if thats not what you are planning). I am not really doing this book justice though, I can barely begin to describe how enlightening it is. I ordered more books off of ebay realizing how usefull they really are. Oh yeah, and I am planning an innovative way to run the concept and design labs. I think that will be what makes my company different than other invention based companies. I haven't really touched marketing too much though.

    Christmas was fun, I hung out with my friends and got drunk. And I saw CeCe once. Thats really all that happened recently. I can't wait til my birthday/new years even though apparently I won't get to drink much.

    Current Mood: exhausted
    Current Music: ringing ears.... I need sleep..... mmm.... brains....
    Monday, December 24th, 2001
    11:17 am
    Lord of the Rings
    For CeCe and my halfiversary we saw LOTR and I gave her a room heater because her brother is an electricity Nazi. Things are going really great although we have been stressed because we don't get to see eachother. Its weird, half a year. I feel so lucky, she's completely changed my life. Her and my business are all I think about, for the most part.

    It wasn't as good of a movie as I thought it was going to be. Its weird, because I like cheesy movies, I like mideval and Norse legend movies, I used to play online LOTR nerd games, I liked the novels, yet I didn't like it all that much. And yet everyone else who has seen it, even people who don't like those types of movies and stories, likes it. I don't understand. Maybe I had to high expectations. The worst things I hated was the action scenes were too shakey to see so there was no emotion to them, and the acting was way overdone. Still, I give it o****/*****.

    I went to my parents house and visited my brother for the last time in a long time. I'm not that close to family though, I am not really thinking about it much. Anyways, I got all my books from Amazon and TurboTax which I will hopefully get the full $7000+ taxes returned to me. Perhaps if the government weren't such a crock I wouldn't mind giving them money. Did you know that the adverage distributor with government contracts sells for 4x as much money as a regular distributor? And that patent laws were designed to be uninforcable except by larger corporations. Independant and small business account for 95% of innovations but only a small percentage get to go through with thier product without intellectual property theft. And America has the best laws too, so if you want to do business in a foreign country, be afraid.

    But these books are amazing. One of them sucks, but the other two are really useful and inciteful. I read 500+ pages in one day! I was so stupid to try to start a business without reading books like this, I should probably get some more too. I haven't started secret projects code named Kirk and T.J. Hooker, but the other books I haven't mentioned are technical reference. One is really good, the other I haven't looked at yet. Right now I am planning business strategy.

    Today I am going to spend the whole day working on my business too.

    Current Mood: restless
    Current Music: Weezer - B-Sides
    Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
    4:19 pm
    Sweet
    I got the most amazing deal on my new car. Its in near perfect condition. You would think it was 2 years old if you didn't know any better. All for the low, low price of $3200. Which, on top of the $1200 I am profiting from the $4500 tax rebate on my other $3300 car brings it down to $2000 for a near perfect car. Am I a bastard or what? Its kind of a bland car, a 94 Saturn SL2, but aesthetics barely interest me and so the only thing I miss is a CD/Tape player. But its very reliable and has stable handling, decent pick up, and so its a great ride none-the-less.
    Monday, December 17th, 2001
    12:23 pm
    Satanic Day
    I am tired, sick, and can't drive my car. Its a stick shift, and I am looking to buy a different one. Everytime I go from a stop to first it juts forward. I can handle the higher gears, but getting stuck in traffic would be scary and annoying. I almost hit a car getting out my parking lot this morning. Too bad too, its a nice car. I just can't see myself getting used to manual. CeCe is going to drive me to look at a car because I don't feel safe driving mine during the day. I love you CeCe.

    My tire popped on my crappy car. Thats why I have to drive the manual. I'm not going to get it fixed because it sucks ass and I am just going to get it junked. Even if I donated the car I would get less than $200 tax rebate. I will get like $4500 or something for my manual though, that will be rad. Plus the $2500 I will be getting back from other deductions, I won't have to pay any federal taxes. Which is awesome. I hate having to give money to the most inefficient business out there. And they aren't even a business, they are more of a mafia, because they are armed.

    None of my business/nerd books I ordered off of Amazon came yet even though it said they were sent a week ago. I did get $3000 in the mail from various work bonuses/ school reimbursments and thats pretty cool. But I want my books, I can't continue on with my secret project codenamed: Kirk. I also got a porn in the mail. My very first porn, and my very first DVD. I am not really a porn guy though; its very un-erotic to me. And thats not considering the countless shots they have where the camera is behind the guys hairy ass and balls, and all you can see of the woman is her a-hole. And then the ass licking. And the semen spitting. And it said it had multiple angles but you can't actually select between them. At least the acting was good and the plot was riveting though.

    Look at this, funny stuff. And I am not saying its funny because I think these people are unnatractive or anything stupid like that, its just funny having a beauty pageant on live journal. Shoot me if I ever become like that. There were even a few flame-war-cat-fights. Classic.

    I love you CeCe, can't wait till our First Halfiversary. I also can't wait until Lord of the Rings.

    Current Mood: groggy
    Current Music: Nerds talking in the background about online gaming
    Friday, December 14th, 2001
    1:35 pm
    First Entry
    Well, not really. I had an old account, Mastasparkle, but it got suspended when I was having fun pretending to believe I was Hitler in the Otherkin community. Somehow me messing with the heads of a bunch of loonies got me in trouble, and when I refused to remove the offending posts (they are still up there) I got myself suspended. It was worth it, I was getting irritated with LiveJournal. I like the concept, I just hate 95% of you LJ users. I've never seen so many disfunctional minds, online popularity contests, whiners, people bound to be single for the rest of thier lives, people unemployed based on laziness, people whose entire life is online, flame wars, pseudo-intellectuals, socialists living off of capitalism, and various other lower rungs of the human experience. But lets see what happens if I start another one.

    Current Mood: tired
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