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so fuckin' special.

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[22 Feb 2002|07:58pm]
[ mood | swoon. ]

'cause I am the man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
Gonna live forever, knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love.

(shoot to kill)

[22 Feb 2002|05:40pm]
If I were to ever become a famous rock star, I'd shroud most of my life in mystery. I wouldn't do drugs or drink, but I wouldn't let them know. I wouldn't do any interviews. I wouldn't be featured in any magazines. And I'd make sure that when I die, my band would make my death look as shady and strange as possible.

Because sometimes, to be memorable, you just have to make yourself be memorable.
(1 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[21 Feb 2002|11:59pm]
[ mood | amused ]

What if the Barenaked Ladies sang to The Beatles?

BNL: "If I had a million dollars, I'd buy your loooooove."
The Beatles: "[Money] Can't buy me love."

(shoot to kill)

[21 Feb 2002|01:04pm]
[ music | Lords Of Acid - "Spank My Booty" ]

I just wrote a long entry, and I deleted it, for some reason.



"Spank My Booty" is such a happy-go-lucky song.

(shoot to kill)

[20 Feb 2002|11:07pm]
Woah.

Deja vu.
(shoot to kill)

[20 Feb 2002|01:13pm]
I'm copying all of my good poems from my old website to my notebook.

I don't like many of my poems anymore. But I always think too critically of my work. I think they're good for a very short time, lose my muse and stop writing for a while, look back and wonder why I ever liked them. It's a habit, and I'm a creature of habit.

Although, I'm proud to say my poems have upgraded from mostly love poems, using clichèd lines and basically straight-forward literal language, to more figurative, metaphoric language with deeper and different meanings.

They've also gotten a lot more depressing.

I haven't written a poem in a long time. And I tried not but two days ago, but I couldn't figure out how to word it. I'll get to it some time.



Hector's home, so I think I may take a nap.



I always feel like my entries lack a conclusion, or some sort of closing sentence. But I never know how to end it.
(1 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[20 Feb 2002|11:56am]
[ music | Lords Of Acid - "Spank My Booty" ]

I was reading old journal entries from a girl I once spoke to often, and I read things I remember reading before. And it got to one part; something about sex. And I floated in my own thoughts, as I often do when I'm alone, and I thought about the first conversation I had with Courtney about sex. And I paralleled her quasi-pushy boyfriend a bit. And I thought about the first time I read about it, and promised myself I'd never be anything like that.

Funny how self-promises work.



I started talking to an old friend I haven't spoken to in about two weeks again. It wasn't the easiest decision. Late in the history we shared ((which is a pretty long history indeed)), she had been quite depressed, for reasons unknown. We fought a lot, and as the fighting wore on, we simply stopped. Everything. Stopped fighting. Stopped talking. That was it. And as I read her journal, she seemed so much more content than when I spoke to her. I didn't want to interfere with her life or anything. But, well. I missed talking to her. So I took the selfish route, and initiated conversation one day.

And the rest, as they say, is history.



Speaking of friends.

I spoke to my dear old best friend Joe yesterday. It's funny, we can stop talking for several months, and pick up one day as though nothing ever happened. It's nice.



I love Bad Religion.

But I can do without the group "oohs" and "ahhs".



Mommy bought new glasses. The kind you drink in. They're pretty. Even with my fingerprint all over them.

(2 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[17 Feb 2002|10:23pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Dead Prez - "Mind Sex" ]

Okay, so I'm better now.

(1 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[17 Feb 2002|08:30pm]
[ mood | still eh ]

Alex is thinking about moving back to New York.

I hope he does.

(shoot to kill)

[17 Feb 2002|08:17pm]
[ music | System Of A Down - "Chop Suey!" ]

I am in so much pain.

Don't ask, because trust me, you don't want to know.

(shoot to kill)

[17 Feb 2002|07:55pm]
[ mood | eh ]

I'm silly when I'm over-sensitive.

(1 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[16 Feb 2002|11:32pm]
Six months.

My oh my how the time does fly.
(shoot to kill)

[16 Feb 2002|11:27pm]
[ mood | in love ]
[ music | Barenaked Ladies - "If I Had A Million Dollars" ]

Dancing to no music;
kisses;
cuddling;
holding hands;
Superman ring;
sharing spaghetti;
teddy bears;
playing with her hair;
hugs;
on one knee;
her face lighting up when I gave her her gifts;
the lake.

Love.

(1 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[15 Feb 2002|07:23pm]
[ mood | indefinably enraged ]

I have a short temper. Anyone who knows me knows this rather well, prob'ly from experience. I can't think of anyone I haven't been severely mad at. But no person could quite get me so worked up as my loving mother can.

I cannot even begin to explain the entire story, or how amazingly enraged I am, but goddamnit, I want things to go my fucking way for once.

I refuse to speak to my mother unless bitterly necessary.

I simply won't.

(1 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[15 Feb 2002|06:57am]
It's funny how after leaving a person's life, they suddenly go from depressed to perfectly content.

Kind of makes you wonder.
(2 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[14 Feb 2002|08:52pm]
Happy Valentine's Day, kiddos.

And special thanks to Lauren and Laura, for their emails // valentines. Cute gals.
(2 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[13 Feb 2002|09:30pm]
[ music | The Mr. T Experience - "Crash" ]

When you have a relatively good and simple life, you lack excitement.

It's just the price you pay for serene peace.

I'm wondering if the world is slowly becoming more dull, or have I?

I remember I used to be a lot more outgoing. A lot more loud, brash [is this the word I'm thinking of?], and just ... out there. In the middle of everything. Now I'm ... not.



Hm.



I haven't given a real update on what I do in a while. Which isn't out of the ordinary; I use this journal more for documenting feelings and self-analysis.

Well, things are fine. Nothing to actually go into detail about, but everything's okay.

... Damn.

I feel so discontent with life being "okay". Life is only one, and I can't help but think I'm missing something.

But what?

I must sound like some twentysomething man with a dead-end paperwork job. I gotta keep reminding myself I'm only sixteen.



Valentine's Day is tomorrow. And lo and behold, I actually have a Valentine. Not that I ever felt bitter or upset during Valentine's Day, but it's nice to have someone.



I'm having a low self esteem day. And I can't shake the feeling that I'm not good enough for her. Not handsome enough. Not motivated enough [y'know, girls don't like guys without a goal to strive for. Or so I hear. I'm not a girl]. Just not what she expects. Actually. More so, what she deserves.

Kooky.

(2 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[12 Feb 2002|09:34pm]
[ music | The Ramones - "Blitzkreig Bop" ]

I wonder if you know just how much I love you.

(2 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[09 Feb 2002|06:01pm]
[ mood | bothered, but not hot ]

People are annoying.

I'm talking to this girl whose name I can't even remember, and she seems to keep dropping these subtle ((or not)) hints that she's interested in me. "Oh, what kind of girls do you like?" and "Do you think I'm pretty?" and such. I despise people tip-toeing around what they're thinking. Dammit, get some balls and tell me to my face. I had to block her, but not before mentioning "Oh, I have to go, I have to call my girlfriend whom I love."

Lord have mercy.

(1 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[09 Feb 2002|05:47pm]
[ music | Alkaline Trio - "Stupid Kid" ]

I don't deal well with depressed people.

I mean, I'm there for anyone who's depressed, and I always am willing to listen. But sometimes people who are depressed focus solely on their problem all the time. If trying to cheer you up isn't working, trying to help you realize it's not so bad isn't working, and just talking about something else isn't working, what the fuck do you want from me?

This may make me seem insensitive, but it's the truth. I can't do anything about it, so why keep moping around, dwelling on it, and bringing it to me? Be depressed, fine, and I'm sorry things aren't working out, but just tell me what to do or shut the fuck up.

Then there are people who are constantly depressed over nothing, or little things, but refuse to do anything about it. It's frustrating, especially if it's someone you care about. Don't be a stubborn asshole, go to a fuckin' therapist or something. Something is obviously not right if every other day you're depressed.

(shoot to kill)

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