Monday, March 4th, 2002
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11:13 pm
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i really do. i wish i was a robot. i wish my heart would die and fall out of me.
i need to learn to say "thank you" and "i'm sorry" more often.
current mood:  depressed
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(tell it like it is)
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10:11 pm
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4:05 pm - robots fighting in the background.
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so many quotable quotes today:
"i got cootchie pants and i didn't want that back fat, ya know?"
"it's like jose feliciano in a room full of piranhas with giant robots fighting in the background."
(regarding people who are offended by wymyn who breastfeed in public) "i don't make you eat in the bathroom, why should my baby have to?"
"I can't say lhasa apso so i say velociraptor instead. i think she should name her dog velociraptor."
"i think you are suffering from narcissistic personality disorder caused by the blow law school is to your ego."
allright! it's a hot day for quotables!!!
i rode my bike to school today. yay! on the way up the hill i was in the lowest gear pedaling slower than slow...people who were walking real fast coulda beat me to skool. really. but hey--one day i'm gonna be freakin buff and i'll show them!! HA! i am still holding to my goal of having arms like linda hamilton in terminator 2. i'm gonna, too. i'll show you!
anyways.
so she pissed me off with her armchair diagnosis. but later, when i got my mail and i had received this little tiny book in the mail called "awakening loving-kindness," i rethought it all and realized she was probably just trying to be helpful. yeah, i got problems. i'm not in denial about that. don't most of us have problems? well even if not, i know i do and i'm ok with that. one step at a time and i'll move ever closer to that most coveted of prizes: happiness.
but the whole thing did make me feel like iterating that it feels much safer to just keep all my feelings to myself. telling other people invites things like this. not that you couldn't glean from my behavior what's up with me. but then, sometimes behavior does not accurately reflect one's feelings.
current mood: ok, kinda tired.
current music: mixCD from my friend ryan
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(tell it like it is)
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Sunday, March 3rd, 2002
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10:23 pm - "yer so money and you don't even know it"
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12:03 pm - can i see some I.D.?
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why do i have to look like a little dorky kid?
at least, that's how i felt last night when i went out to this bar with k. to catch some live reggae music. the bar was filled with mostly middle aged types, which was cool...but i was just sitting there thinking i must look like such a dorky little kid. i wasn't even up with the dress code, which seemed to require something nicer than baggy cut off jeans, a longsleeved shirt and a hoodie. oh well. the music was cool and they did some good covers including damien marley, and the dude who was singing during that song was totally tripping me out, cuz he was this older white dude with super short hair, but if i wasn't looking at him, he sounded an awful lot like damien marley.
current mood: just woke up.
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(tell it like it is)
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3:22 am - we are the waves.
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have you ever been dancing, and then suddenly had this vision that every person was a water molecule, and as we all move to the music, we're like the molecules in an ocean wave?
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(1 real deal | tell it like it is)
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Saturday, March 2nd, 2002
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6:50 pm - all the pop songs on the radio are suddenly speaking to me.
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i think my favorite ani album is Dilate.
they're all good (although i'm not particularly fond of reckoning/revelling), but Dilate just speaks to me. It's the first ever ani album i listened to, so i guess it holds a special place in my heart.
i've been cleaning like crazy today, and i made a concerted effort to eat. i'm proud of myself: i ate two real meals today. that's better than usual. i also took my dog for a walk for about 15 minutes, which was refreshing. slowly, i'm picking myself back up. it's a struggle, but that's what it's all about. growing through challenges.
4 more days till we leave for eugene. exciting!
current mood:  okay
current music: lucinda williams <3
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(tell it like it is)
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3:42 pm - s'what i got on the first try. i'm surprized!
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9:53 am
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goddammit!
le tigre is coming to town and i'm not going to be here!!!!!
this fucking enviro conference better be really damn fun if i'm gonna miss le tigre for it.
current mood: disappointed
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(tell it like it is)
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Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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11:37 pm
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i really hate myself.
current mood: at an all-time low.
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10:59 pm - bad poetry from 4 years ago.
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10:39 pm
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10:35 pm
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5:46 pm - yeah baby!
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2:12 am - i'm swell!
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well alrighty then.
i suppose all these sad entries are depressing those who may choose to read them.
and, no one really wants to hear my whining and shit anyway. depressed people are a drag and no fun to be around. i mean, this isn't the first time i've been told i bring people down.
it would be best, apparently, if i just paid someone to care.
not that my friends don't care.
or i don't know. whatever they're feeling.
either way. no one wants to be burdened with other people's bullshit. not even livejournalists.
and it's not like i even know how to express my feelings anyway.
so, new resolution. take red foreman's advice: keep it bottled up inside.
why not take my "denial" of my mental/emotional defect(s) one step further and just not express my feelings (to other people, anyway)?
from here on out, it's tight-lipped fake plastic smiles for everyone and a pat, "i'm swell!" whenever someone asks me how i'm doing. no one really wants the truth anyway, and even if they do, it's not like i want their reaction to whatever i'm feeling. so, it's a win-win situation.
current mood: swell!
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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11:43 pm - livejournal is keeping me sane.
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strangely..
if i had a broken leg or something, people would come visit me and bring me flowers and give me cards that said, "get well soon!"
they would pamper me.
but since i "only" have a broken heart, people expect me to be my usual self and get shit done and show up for life.
people can't seem to accept that emotional pain not only hurts, but can be debilitating as well.
strange.
fitting poem for today:
What do I do
now that you're gone?
Well, when there's
nothing going on,
which is quite often,
I sit in a corner and
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.
Paralyzed, motionless
for awhile, nothing
moving
inside or out.
Then I think
how much I miss you.
Then I feel
fear
pain
loneliness
desolation.
Then
I cry
until I am
too numbed
to feel.
Interesting pastime.
~Peter McWilliams
current mood:  weird
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(tell it like it is)
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10:37 pm - i am a rock. i am an island.
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hmm. this book on dealing with breakups says i need a support system.
it says i need friends with whom i can talk, friends i trust, friends who are not judgmental and who don't make me feel worse. supportive friends so that i don't feel so isolated. i'm supposed to carry around their phone numbers and call them when i need to talk.
i don't have a support system. i'm walking the tightrope with no balance bar and no net underneath. i'm running without a bra.
i mean, maybe my friends would like to be helpful, but i don't feel like i can talk to them.
i really am isolated. i am an island unto myself, i suppose.
i've never been good at expressing my true feelings anyway. or maybe i express them but not in healthy ways. or not in ways that others can understand.
it feels so much safer to keep the details to myself anyway.
current mood: listless
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(tell it like it is)
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9:47 pm - living is the hard part.
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one of the problems with all of your friends being busy law students like yourself is that they don't have time to comfort you in times of need. cuz they need comfort too, and/or they are too busy to be worried about you.
this is one of those times when it would feel great to live in a cabin in the woods, away from everyone. with only my dog and my (paper) journal for company.
nah, that really wouldn't be any better, would it?
i live in a world populated by more than 6 billion people, and yet i feel incredibly lonely. what irony.
current mood: morose
current music: ani difranco - untouchable face
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(1 real deal | tell it like it is)
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4:12 pm - time.
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it seems like some people just do not understand what it's like to feel really depressed. it's not like i'm just going to snap out of it. it's not like i think it's the end of the world (if i did, i think i would probably just kill myself). it's not the end of the world. no, it's not really *that* bad. but it's bad. i feel bad. i feel bad, and sad, and tearful, and that's OK. i need to feel my feelings and let them work their way out. i can't just get a new perspective all of a sudden and decide that i have nothing to worry about or be sad about. i'd like to. but i don't operate that way. i think some people just don't know what it feels like when the walls are closing in. or, they just don't know what to do and so they try to cheer me up when that's not what i need. but they don't know that. so i don't fault them.
but it is frustrating.
that's why i prefer to keep my feelings to myself as much as possible, and hole myself up in my apartment and work it out. punching pillows, yelling, crying, and getting it all out. it just takes time.
current mood: melancholy. tearful. angry.
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(tell it like it is)
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2:56 pm - it's 3 pm i must be lonely.
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it's funny how easy it is to hate someone i've never met.
it's amazing how angry i feel right now, in addition to depressed, stressed out, hurt, and lonely. i guess all those shitty emotions kinda go together. birds of a feather or something.
i was only marginally successful in distracting myself from my feelings with the teevee. now i have to get it together because i have to write this paper which is due tomorrow. why can't i have a talent like, say, playing the piano with my feet, instead of being so good at procrastinating?
current mood: no different from before really.
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(tell it like it is)
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12:40 pm - mr. swain has the right idea.
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well the results are in: i am officially unhappy.
hrm. don't know why i needed to wait till now to realize that. been that way most of my life.
just for the record: there really *is* a thin line between love and hate.
i have to go throw something now and then curl up into the fetal position on my bed and squeeze out a few more tears. after that i guess i'll brush my teeth for the 30th time (trying to get that bitter taste out of my mouth).
current mood: bitter, depressed, and angry.
current music: *splash* *splash* -- tears on the keyboard
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(tell it like it is)
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10:45 am
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10:38 am - you know you're pathetic when...
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you listen to the song "look away" by chicago on repeat and cry and cry and cry...
and cry.
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(tell it like it is)
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10:12 am - plans go awry.
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so i meant to get up early and finish the reading and not miss any classes again EVER.
despite the best of intentions, that did not happen.
i did wake up early. the alarm made sure of that. but i didn't get up. so then i thought i would get up a little later and just miss criminal procedure so i could read for property (the assnment is SO LONG).
so i got up and started reading but since all i feel like doing is crying and screaming, it's awfully hard to concentrate. i don't see myself finishing this assignment in time for class. i'd love to just stay home but i have to go to school at some point because i'm meeting someone about a volunteer project.
starting today, i resolve to swear off "love," romance, and giving a crap.
but then we all know the best plans can easily go awry...
current mood: crying and screaming mood.
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(tell it like it is)
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Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
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8:53 pm
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seems like my days are being measured by how many tears i can manage to hold back.
current mood: crappy
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(tell it like it is)
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8:15 pm - dried up crunchy goodness.
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i can feel the weight of each day bearing down on me, cumulatively getting heavier and heavier and heavier.
i had a bunch of laugh attacks today, which is usually a sign of a lot of built up tension and stress. not that i need a sign. no one needs to tell me i feel like screaming and pummeling the walls of this prison.
wouldn't it be great if every problem could be nicely resolved within 30 minutes (notwithstanding all the commercial breaks)?
so my ex is dating other people and i feel like an asshole. i don't know why. i guess i just feel lonely.
i haven't called to accept that job in flag. do i really wanna do it? i don't know anymore. i guess i don't really care. if i had to leave tomorrow, i might care. but it seems so far away.
i have a motion due. haven't started it. my old habits will never be reformed, it would seem. i never change. no matter what i do. or don't do. it's all just the same.
current mood: blah
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(1 real deal | tell it like it is)
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12:31 pm
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"Bill Cosby may get mileage out of fear of anal penetration, but I think 99% of men love the feel of a finger in the ass."
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(1 real deal | tell it like it is)
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11:52 am
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i need a t shirt that says, "seitan worshipper."
actually, i need to eat, that's what i need.
current mood: hungry
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(tell it like it is)
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10:19 am
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i think i've been taking too many of these sillee quizzes. oh well. whatever.
there's way too much stress this week.
i think i may explode. or implode. either way, there's gonna be a big mess.
current mood:  stressed
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(tell it like it is)
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10:05 am - heeeeeee
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