Friday, December 21st, 2001
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10:52 am - you know what sucks????
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MEMORIES!!!!
there is nothing good about memories.
sad memories make you sad because they are sad.
happy memories make you sad cause they are great times that are gone now forever
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Saturday, December 8th, 2001
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6:43 am
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Friday, December 7th, 2001
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3:55 am - registered for spring classes
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thats what i did today. i got every single one of them. im excited.
java programming
japanese 2
unix
web tools and techniques
illustrator
thats my line up 14.5 credits. :[ im gonna be buisy :[ !! but that will be good ^_^
im so excited about all my classes :D they are all fun stuff that i cant wait to take :d its like.... its good ^_^
learned how to burn dreamcast games on my mac so ive been downloading them like crazy :D
thats not what i needed to learn just then -.- another thing to keep my face in my cmputer 9_9
i cant wait to start learning programing :D im gonna make so much cool stuff :9 once i know how . and i cant beleive im on my second semester of japanese :[ eeeeeeeyyyy just remembered i frgot everything i need to study befor i get back into it :[ oi
ok i dont know what else. it was a strain to even write this :\
current mood:  bored
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, December 2nd, 2001
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3:27 am - forgot
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3:26 am - gerble.
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why is the title of this entry "gerble" ? no reason at all.
damn i have not a thing to say u.u; this is why i havnt written an entry in so long [%-".%-"] when i cant relax i go to the xian chat room on aim 0.0 i dont know why but it calms me down every single time. maybe cause i feel like there is somthing that i need to get ou of me. like somthing that i could possibly say from all my studying that could possibly make somone think about ...there is only one reason why anyone goes into the xian chat, and thats cuase they are serious about deeper things. they initially spout out nonsence but if you cant get through the nonsence then youre not worth listening to anyways. ... its fun maybe more than anything. learning how to think is always fun. new perspectives and understanding why people feel and think the way they do ^___^ this is somthing no one can do but its fun to try :9 u.u; ahh
i saw spy games tonight with my dad and my sister. it was a very very good movie. if you want to see a quality action movie , its very entertaining.then we went and got ice cream. its the best ice cream place i have ever experienced in my life. in downtown santabarbara. dont remember the name of it u.u; but its vry very good :| really
then i came home and now i am bored and its 3 am u.u'
ive been thinking latly that i have been stalling for a year :[
a whole year!!!!
i have been thinking about a choice. i should call this entry the choice that took a year to decide. i have been looking down a forked path and my eyes have gotten hazy from it and now its harder to see whats at both ends than ever 9_9
the decision is what to do with my life? its one step. all i have to do to decide either way is take one step, but each of the steps are so impossible seeming to take. for instance:
1. i follow my life long dream of making my own wholesale clothing company. i am good at drawing and desinging and i have a very simple plan that seems so good that i coudnt lose :D however everyone says i need a job and latly i beleive them plus when i left michigan and my friends and girlfriend i lost all interest in anything i ever had interest in including my dream and goal. so im tending to think i should just focus on a career goal that sounds interesting (with no more interests this is dificult )
2. i could choose a career and get a job. doing this means that i will put everything else in second place and antyhing else that i want to do will be put behind by years and years. so its one thing or the other. everyone is telling me to do this and im starting to think it was silly of me to think that i could ever achieve my goals (this is the stuff that only happens in movies, after all) then again i am throwing this all away. i cant do both. i have already thought about it. doing one means postponing the other for years or flling into a deep deep hole that no one could pull me out of. i feel like a sence of virtego, i dont know what is up or down. one choice has to be made and as time passes it only leavs me one choice and that makes me want to do nothing at all. after all i dont do anything unless i know that it will be done perfect and if its not perfect what is the point and if it is perfect would it be worth doing cause it could take so longg and be so much work to make it so.
0.o ... u.u; sigh... this is ... gerble
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Tuesday, November 27th, 2001
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2:37 am - hah i'de be the perfect girl :)
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12:55 am - nothing is perfect
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so i realised today what my biggest problem is. i , from as long as i could remember, have this mind set that somthing has to be perfect or its not worth it.
like i struggled in school for example cause say for instance my teacher gave me an assignment . i had to take my time and do it perfect and it would take hours. i would spend the time i got home from schol to ten at night doing homework and making it perfect, if its not perfect after all why waist your time. that is my mind set. now maybe it got me excellent grades but i find it impossible to do anything in my life unless i throw myself into it completely and do it perfectly. now in my mind i beleive that there is nothing tthat i cant do, but i wont bother doing anything unless i do it perfect and perfection takes way too much time. im so friggn stupid sometimes but how do you change the way your mind works i have just realised that this is my whole entire problem :|
current mood:  contemplative
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Monday, November 26th, 2001
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4:23 am - one of those email things
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>1. what time is it:>3:43am monday 11-26-01
>>2. name as it appears on your birthcertificate:>joshua cloud robison
>>3. nickname(s):>hoshi because my name is josh and my friends in highschool called me joshi then after taking a spanish class they all started calling me hoshi (joshy in spanish pronounced hoshi) i always felt that stars were my symbol and i always had a strange fasination with japanese stuff and one day i looked up star in japanese just for fun and star in japanese is hoshi do dodo dooo! (>'-')>
>4. parents names:keith and serina (i think i spelled both of their names wrong, im a horrable speller :[
)>>5. number of candles that appeared on your last>birthday cake:should have been 20
>>6. date that you regularly blow them out:>march 7th (if you know the bible story about joshua marching 7 days around jerico than my birthday kind of has its own odd story behind it as well 0.o ) march 7th josh was born . i like beleiving my life is an epic story.
>>7. pets:>2 cats. had a dog that died and had two cats that died. now i have 2 cats
>>8. eye color:>dark blue
>>9. hair color:>cant define it (blond?)
>>10. piercing(s):>none. always wanted 1/4" plugs but never got around to peercing them
>>11. tattoo(s):>none
>>12. how much do you love your job:>i suppose i dont have a job so to answere this question to best fit my situation, i love my job and i wish i could do it all day everyday for the rest of my life ^_^ :P but acutally i hate it cause it makes me feel so tired and lazy all the time u.u; and what i really would like for my life if i continue the way i have been , will be unreachable u.u;
>>13. favorite color:>"flourecent pastel yellow green" <-- yes im absolutely serious. try to imagine this color its my favorite and has been for a long time.
>>14. hometown:>i was born in california but my home is detroit
>>>15. current residence:>summerland california
>>16. favorite food:>vietnamese food
>>17. been to africa:>no
>>18. been toilet papering:>tried more than once but miserably failed
>>19. loved someone so much it made you cry:>yes (in a way , all the time almost everyday)
>>20. been in a car accident:>no
>>21. croutons or bacon bits in soup:>i hate croutons
>>22. sprite or 7up:>i would normally choose sprite but given this decision now i would pick 7 up for a change
>>23. favorite movies:>matrix, crouching tiger hidden dragon, and i cant think of the most important one 0.o
>>24. favorite holiday:>xmass
>>25. favorite day of the week:>dont know
>>26. favorite words or phrases:sugoi , kawaii , i love you ,
>27. favorite toothpaste:>anything that tasts good. kids flavors of stuff. crest jr. etc
.>>28. favorite restaurant:>anam in detroit (vietnamese)
>>29. favorite flowers:>bleeding hearts and those roses that are light orange at the bottom and pink at the top
>>30. favorite drink:>canada dry (its the best ginger ale ever) and faygo <-- you can onley get in detroit
>>31. favorite sport to watch:>hockey ( go redwings) <-- thanks to my life in detroit. damn i wonder how they are doing since i dont have tv now >:\
>>32. preffered type of icecream:>rocky road has always been my favorite
>>33. favorite seame street character:>earnie
>>34. disney or warner brothers:>disney
>>35. favorite fast food restuarant:>panda express and del taco
>>38. how many times did you fail your drivers test:>never
>>39. who is the last person you got email from before> this:>some guy asking me how to view avi movies on a mac computer
>>40. have you ever been convicted of a crime:>no
>>41. which single store would you choose to max out>your credit card:>hehe ... if im not paying it off im going to the realestate store :P hehe but probly ... a computer store
>>42. what do you do most often when you are bored:>i watch anime and talk online with people or learn new softwear etc. " computer stuff"
>>43. name the person that you are friends with that>lives farthest:>all my friends in detroit that i left behind u.u; ryan bartek and janet lock and mike simon and etc..
>>44. most annoying thing people ask me:>why do you sit at that computer all day josh? , why dont yu get a job or go to school ? hehe >:)
>>45. bedtime:>lately its been 3-5am
>>46. who will respond quickest to this:>probly no one
>>47. who is the person you sent this to that is least> likely to respond:>santa clause
>>48. favorite all time tv show:> anything on the discovery channel
>49. last person you went out to dinner with:>dad
>>50. last movie you saw:>at a theater? rush hour 2
>>51. time you finished:>4:20am no joke 0.o >>
current mood:  blank
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Friday, November 23rd, 2001
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3:29 am - thanksgiving
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went to sbcc. registerd... well... tried to . i have to come back on december 6th to register. im taking japanese 102 :D i didnt even know that the second class was going to be happening until next summer . damn! they snuck it up on me :( but im so glad now :D that i get to take the next class finally so im taking web design tools and techniques, java (for computer programming), japanese ^_^!!! , and illustrator. 13 credits. i hope i can handle it. i also want to get a full time job :[ so i dont know how that is all going to work out :[ !!! and i hope that my classes are still opened by the time i get to register :( hope everyone had a good thanks giving. i did ^___^ it was very happy. very different from all my other thanksgivings. this time my mom made dinner by her self cause my grandma isnt with us anymore and my aunt and uncle live so far away now :( but despite it all i still had a very happy feeling the whole time ^__^ and dinner was good and we put lights on the christmas trees (fake ones) and ... i saw AI finally . good movie. i dont understand why everyone i talked to hated it so much. ok so the acting could have used some work but despite that it was a great story. and some of the special effects were pretty good. i dont know what else... gonna decorate the trees tomorrow :9 and i need to look for a job. my mom is begging me to look at the internships at the college but i have no idea what those are even.. so im just going to look in the phone book for computer shops and apply there :\ at everyone of them around me.
current mood:  naughty
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Monday, November 19th, 2001
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6:16 pm - U.U hmph! your actions lied to me >:\
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i think that we all lie to eachother now and then with our actions and emotions. when we talk to people we can make them feel a scertin way about us or we can play dumb when we really know what is going on etc.. i dont know if theree is anything wrong with this but i do know that everyone of use does it. i think everyone can understand what im talking about right now for instance and act like they dont because its true and they dont want to be exposed as a "feelings liar" even though you are doing it as we speak . people like this will often ask you the question "well what do you mean by that" instead of saying they agree because they know what you are saying is true and they may know exactly how you feel but they tease and act a scertain way in order to protect themselves from being hurt while knowing that they could possibly hurt somone else by doingg it. now i do this all the time . i feel like i always know whats going on and what people are feeling but i act stupid like i dont know becuase i may not want to face it etc.. i dont think this is a bad thing either im just making an observation on human nature ^_- and i dont know whatelse to talk about. :p
current mood:  tired
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Sunday, November 18th, 2001
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12:00 am - 0.o)`~
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k so i pretty much figured out irc today :9 but i still am totally confused about my life right now :\
im totally confused. i dont know what i should do or what i am doing :\ and people pressuring me is confusing me more and i totally dont have a clue anymore...
the highlight of my day was figureing out the new pirating technique [IRC] so now i can get anything . absolutely anything . i wonder if being an excellent computer media pirate is worth anything. it probly should just be looked at as me fooling around on my computer :\ id ont know i think i need to over load myself with school and a job and then ill appretiate free time , more . so that i think is my focus. f#$% my buisness for now >:[ and all the other stuff. ive lost everything else so losing at this is no big deal . its the last thing on the list i suppose.. its not like i have to give up i guess . i jsut need school and a job for money and motivation. plus what im taking is completely fun. computer sci and multimedia design. im STOKED now i jsut need some money for classes ;\ and now that i cant get money out of my inheritence i will have to make a quick couple hundred
current mood:  confused
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Friday, November 16th, 2001
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9:37 pm - which autobot i am :D !!!
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8:48 pm
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the lady who manages my brothers and sisters and my inheritance accounts called my uncle , who is the executive of the accounts, and so he called me and told me that hes putting a lock on the money so that i cant use it until im 25 and making $20000/year and or going to school full time ¬.¬
so my dads not going to get the money he needs and he may come home. i got a nice "truthfull " lecture from my uncle though about what i need to be doing . and i need to find a job and get a car and go to school. damn but why does it all seem f#$%ed up? why does that feel so imposible or like the wrong thing to do?!?!
i cant even think what to do... im 20yrs old. wtf am i doing. i cant even think of te next step . what choices do i have even? i can get a car and a job but how and where and how does it all work out. it doesnt seem simple enough. for some reason i think that everything should be simple... where did that f#$%ing thought come into my head >:O!!! i think it came from thinking i ould do anything and then horribly failing at everything u.u; everything important to me anyways it was... dmn it i dont even know. for as long as i could remember i felt that i could do anything and would do everything that i set out to do. i felt like nothing could stop me and ... i think it has to do with losing the only people you would never want to lose. i lost them as friends and as relationships and then when you give up and dont care anymore you lose everything else. i keep looking back at what i wrote and it sounds like a stupid overly dramatic sob story. damn i hate sympathy.
ok ... i dont know.. 0.o
crest of the stars down below is a movie i just watched about .. i dont know what it was about its just a nice picture and the art i liked... k im outie:P
current mood:  aggravated
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12:46 am - ...o O (BAM)
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Wednesday, November 14th, 2001
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11:31 pm - daijoubu ka? :(
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i finished watching boys be. i was kinda disapointed but there is a second season in the making so ^_-
its a really good series very deep emotional feeling. seems very true to real life and maybe thats why it was dissapointing. but a really good story so i recomend it . its one of the better shounen anime's :9
update on my life:
dads in chicago. some people flew him out there because he told them that he had money to invest in their buisness. they flew him out htere and are paying for his food and room. and even buying him a laptop etc... now he has to pay them the money that he promised to invest. $5000 that he thought he would simpley take from my brothers and sister's and my inheritance...
so now my mom is mad at him and there has been a lot of fighting and hurt feelings going on at my house cause my dad hasnt had a job for a while and we live in a stupidley expensive peice of sh#$%#$ and we could lose everything etc... lots of things to worry about. anyways i am trusting my dad and a dream that i had a long time ago cause i beleive in dreams ^_- so i opened a checking account today and im going to give my dad the money that he needs. i know its all going to work out. he must be feeling really twisted up right now. :(
earlyer today i went to the city colledge and got info on the degrees/sertificates that i am interested in (computer science and multimedia webpage design)
and then on friday the spring scedules come out and i can choose my classes so i need to be doing some choosing right now cause even though i have narrowed down what kind of degree i want to go for, i have to choose classes out of three pages of credits :[ !!!!
but im really really happy ^____^ genki desu YO! ^_-
current mood:  happy
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Tuesday, November 13th, 2001
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8:28 pm - tiny snow fairy sugar (lit. - tiny snow user , sugar /chicchu na yukitsukai shugaa)
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Monday, November 12th, 2001
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4:08 pm - the plan
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so im gettin a hang of this html stuff ;9
ive decided that i need to relax. i thought and allways think of myself as a lazy person. which i am and so it makes it hard fo me to relax cause i know that i should be doing things instead of sitting on my ass , which makes it hard for me to relax cause im always thinking that if i take it easy than im being lazy and etc. its like a circle that i jsut get trapped in. but now that i see the truth, that in order to get focused and organised and motivated i need to relax and stop wroying about anything and i need to jstu clear my head for a while. no matter waht anyone thinks of me or even what i think of myself. the time is now to be lazy , for a good purpose ;) , and completely clear my head of the chaos thats been my life for the past three years 9_9 no matter how long it takes me and no matter what crazy shit is going on i need to relax and take it slow and concentrate and just clear my thoughts. so thats what im doing u.u;
current mood: relaxed
current music: dune-darkside of the moon
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2:21 am - messing with html >:9
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Sunday, November 11th, 2001
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8:25 pm
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4:35 pm - cold and slow
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thats how i feel. and drained . i feel like i wake up at 8am and then i look at the time and its 4pm u.u; the next second. where does the time go. i dont do anything and it seems like i still dont have time to do what i need to be doing. like my thought is completely being sucked out by so many things. i just focus all my thought on little shit . sometimes im not doing anything im just sitting there stairing and i could do that for hours and if feels like ive only been there for seconds u.u; what do i do? if i could only change how my mind works. how it gets stuck on everything and then doesnt want to move >:\ its gotten a lot colder here lately and somtimes i feel warmer in the cold :\ but not right now >_< its almost like its the weather that is holding me back %-".%-"
but even on a sunny day...
like i just need to be away from my house and everything that is happening here in my family for like a couple months. just a couple months. if i could just be away from it all i could focus. just on my own with no pressure. this is just way to much pressure and it makes me want to let go like i have and like suck on any free time for thought or peace that i have. when with that time i could be doing what i should be doing %-".%-"
current mood:  cold
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