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Friday, March 1st, 2002
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11:15 am
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Today begins the first day of my long awaited vacation. 11 days with no work, no school, and and no more of this place. 11 days with Lisa. =) This is something we've been looking forward to for a very long time. Usually we only get a couple of days together, and one of us has to work or go to school while we're there. This coming week will be just us, except the couple of days we're spending at my grandparents place. WEEEEEEEE! =)
First we're ging down to North Carolina, where my grandparents have a place on a lake. It's still too cold to go swimming, or anything like that, but this place is getaway heaven. The closest two nis about 20 miles away, and there's woods all around. There are other people and houses, but it's a much different feeling, than the packed in feel of suburbia and cities. Ahh, it's gonna be good.
After our little hiatus from the world, we're gonna go up to Pittsburgh for a couple of days. There are a lot of sites up there that we want to see, and have heard there's a fair number of good stuff for us to do while there. We're gonna try and see if Falling Water is offering tours this time of year, as it's only a couple hours south of Pittsburgh. A wonderful oppurtunity to see something truly amazing and beautiful. They usually don't open it for tours until later in the year, but sometimes they do offer tours earlier. ::crosses his fingers:: The Andy Warhol museum is also in Pittsbrugh, so we're gonna checkthat out, along with a couple other places.
Then we're considering taking ashort jump over to Philadelphia. Philly's always a good place to visit. A lot of culture there. We haven't planned that one out yet, though, so we'll have to see what happens.
Oh mah goodness, I have needed this for a long time. Work has been dragging on and on lately. Even though I know I'll hate to go bak when it's all done, this will give me a little refresher and help remind me that life is not all about Sprint PCS.
Anyways, I'm gonna do some things to get ready. Have a good week everyone, and I'll see you all in a while. Much love.
current mood:  excited
current music: the buzzing anticipation in my head
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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2:36 pm - Save me
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This is a rediculously sad state. I've been at work for about 2 and a half hours and I've only helped about 3 people. Extremely slow for my store. My boredom is killing me, and my hunger isn't far behind.
I got the Gorillaz album G-Sides yesterday. This is a fun album. There's only one song out of nine that I don't like, and that's the house mix of 19-2000. It's good for what it is, but it just sounds boring to me. There are several tracks that were re-done by a rapper named Phi Life on the cd that are really good. His tone sounds almost gangsterish, but he has good flow and rhythm. All in all an excellent album, and one I'd definitly recommend for any type of music fan. It's eclectic enough that it can suit just about anyones needs, same as their first album.
I hate papers. With a passion. I'm writing a paper for my Intro to Religions class that has to be 5 pages with a 3/4" margin on the right side. At least it's double spaced. What the hell is a 3/4" margin? No standard uses that, but then again this guy is kind of a wacko and does things his own way. Something I usually applaud, but a lot of what he does just irritates me. So for this paper I'm writing about the existince of evil, and if god exists then why does he allow evil to exist. The way the teacher phrased the question it doesn't leave question if god actually exists, but I'll modify it so that I can pull some more out of the paper. The paper itself isn't very hard, but it's been so long since I've written anything like this that I'm having a lot of trouble getting through it. I had about 4 and a half pages last night around midnight, and then I re-read it and decided to change 3 paragraphs, and deleted another. So it's only about 3 and a half now. What can I say, I'm a perfectionist.
Good lord, this place is wearing on me. I need out of retail. Anyone that's ever worked retail knows what I'm talking about. Hell in a box, and hours that suck. Hopefully when I move in with Lisa after she graduates I'll be able to find something better. Since it's not that far away I'll suck up this job for now, but first oppurtunity I'm looking for something in front of a computer, and where I don't have to see customers.
Oh look, a customer. How shocking. Time to go do my thing for 10 minutes before they leave. Wee.
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| Friday, January 25th, 2002
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7:26 pm
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WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
I got mah shooooooeeeeeeeees!!!!
DC Shoe Co The Truth White/Navy...
Fly.... =P
current mood: excited
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| Thursday, January 10th, 2002
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2:08 am
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White
Male
Heterosexual
That is me, but it is not who I am.
Martin Luther King, JR walks through my dreams while Ghandi sets my dinner table. I look upon the rice pattie and give thanks to my sister who slaved in Asia to harvest it. Jesus and I say a prayer with the Dalai Lama to the great spirits of the wolf, bear, and others which make up Gaia. Tomorrow morning we will walk outside to admire the strength of the rainbow.
The breadth of the spectrum as it really is... one into the other, into another. No line seen beacuse there is no line to be seen. With the completion of the dawn so does reality on me. What distinguishes difference is naught but perception, for it all comes from the same brilliant source. Distorted by the physical it is easy to see what is right in front of us in the moment, instead of looking to the ever present backdrop of life. I may be white, and yet I am also black, yellow, green, red, and purple. I may be male, yet my body does not define my soul. I may be heterosexual, yet love is more than mine to say, and is all together undefineable but by everyone.
I am not a definition in a dictionary... I am the dictionary.
'Who are you?' you still ask, and so I will give the answer as plain as can be. I am you, as you are me, as we are the plants, as we are the sea. Before you open your eyes and define the physical, it all comes from the same brilliant source.
Peace and love to everyone. Especially to you who truly is me. I love you, Lisa.
current mood:  peaceful
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| Sunday, January 6th, 2002
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9:14 pm
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My christmas present to Lisa was an alternating diamond and sapphire white gold ring that was channel set. It's purtty, and she loves it!! It's also a promise ring. ;o) I'ma marry her. :o)
I love you, baby. =)
current mood:  happy
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| Friday, December 21st, 2001
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12:01 am
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So I'm almost not sick anymore. Still have some congestion and coughing, but at least I don't ache. My skin is still sensitive, but at least it doesn't crawl everytime it rubs against something.
I had forgotten how tiring it was to do things when you are sick. I helped my mom get a tree today(I was too sick yesterday), I had to help my parents test this blow up mattress thingy for my sister, and I had to do laundry. Doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you don't have energy. =P
So my sister is coming home for Christmas from Texas. :o) I haven't seen her in 2 years! Damn, it's been a long time. I miss her. She's an awesome person, and very kind. A good person to talk to, and easy to be relaxed around.
Well, I'm gonna go talk to Lisa now. I miss her. =\
And here's a thought sent out to Toby. Looks like you're doing better =) xX HUGS Xx
Till next time... =P
current mood: tired
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| Tuesday, December 4th, 2001
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11:49 pm
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Knot's in my stomach rise to cover my upper body as my brain staggers under the onslaught of emotion and imagination. Twisted forms of reality shine brightly through the stiff wall I had to erect to keep the demons at bay. Yes, I know my demons. Strong and sleek, they crawl the depths of the mind until they find a seed they can implant themselves in. Once seated they grow as quickly as the minute thought, carrying it throughout the system of neurons that make up my mind, farther than such a seed would travel alone. Within the wall sits my heart, beating to the rhythm of trust and love. A single sparkling shadow from that twisted idea grazing the the side of the heart is all that is needed to send waives of shudders through my psyche. It is a virus, this vile thing. It tries to consume everything it touches. Were it not for the help of that which holds my heart, my heart would be dark as the demon which seeks it. Were it not for that which holds my heart so closely, I would not fear. Yet I cannot, and wish not to, blame the altar of my emotion. Were it not for this pillar of gleaming beauty I would not have a millionth of heart as I do. As the partially corrupted heart dips with the weight of the poisonous infection, it bears closer to the pedestal holding it up. Closer and closer it draws, until finally a simple brush of the pillars fingertip, a feather breeze on spring morning, dispells all wrong, rebuilds the wall which stands between trust and fear, brightens my soul from newly shining heart with deep red emotion pouring forth to shadow-filled wasteland where I bury my sins and denials. Strong again, I speak a silent prayer of thanks to my altar of emotions, and then I speak a not so silent prayer.
Dedicated to that which shines through my darkest days. I love you.
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| Friday, November 30th, 2001
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2:38 am
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So once again I endeavor from the depths of solitude to fill all you wondeful people in on my insights and thinking. I don't even remember the last time I posted, it's been so long. I suppose I could look, but that would be easy. Ah well, no point in knowing anyways.
So I I kind of feel like some free writing. I'm not sure how free it's going to turn out, since I'm usually too ordered and too much of a perfectionist for it, but tonight, or this morning rather, I think I'm in the mood. I think, anyways.
I havealways considered myself a solitary person. I don't seek others out very often, and if I do find someone I wish to constantly give my attention to, I rarely seek anyone else, even for friendship. It's not that i don't think people are worthy of my friendship or my time, it's more that I'm too secretive. I often appear to be very open about what's going on inside of me, but I'm not as open as that. I don't consider the things I let the world see so easily to be things of a private nature, usually. They are things that I believe are better off out in the open. They just usually happen to be things that most people hold back. I'm more aloof about simple things, really. A moment of thought which puts a smile on my face will remain locked away for myself, or a very small number of people, forever. Those thoughts I cherish more than any other as they are the one's which I build my self. I lose that sometimes, though. That or the thoughts tend to sour whiel I try to cling to them. Like a fruit I tried to get perfectly ripe, always holding another day until one day it has passed it's prime, and descended towards it's destruction. A nasty ride when you're already hanging on. It becomes hard to let go. I don't like letting go of things. I'm a pack rat to the extreme. I have bills from years ago. Not that I will ever use them, yet I am reluctant to get rid of them. That was bred into me, I think. My family has things you wouldn't think would mean a thing. I once believed myself to be kind through such acts. Keeping rediculous presents, like a stupid plastic clock given out by Time magazine that I got for christmas, despite it's idiocy as a gift. now, I don't even think about it. Except when I look about and I find myself in a jumble. I always wonder if it's the surrounding that's jumbled, or my mind. all things are a matter of perspective, so what I see is what my mind wants to see. This week I saw chaos and plainness. I almost broke down from too much. Too much everything. Mess, work, school, myself, not myself, my assitance, my money, my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, my bed. I miss my bed. My bed of my memories was not very big, but it was a nice width for laying across and getting the right amount of stretch in my legs and back. I used to lay across my bed and read all night. I would look up to find the sun rising, and go to sleep for a couple of hours before I had to wake up. And yet I would feel wonderful during the day. I think I have lost my mind. My free mind has been weighted with so much responsibility that I forget sometimes how to enjoy things. How to appreciate things that mean a lot to me. How to show my appreciation. I think I lost my mind. I think, but my mind is lost. My mind is not what it used to be, so I think differently. I thought I would never doubt life. I thought I would always be free. I thought no farther than the field outside my house, and the sky above my head. I think of my bank account, and of my the future. I think I know what I'm doing, and yet I end up wondering why I never thought of these things before. I knew what I was doing then. I knew who I was. I was a boy. And now I am not. Now I stand on the patio listening to the wind blow through trees, knowing that buildings have fallen. Now I sit in the chair gazing at the light knowing that people have died, and are dying. Now I lay down for sleep and realize that what life I know is not as much as I knew. Now I wander my dreams in search of a way for everyone to find life. Now I attempt to rationalize my behavior with my mind, instead of feeling the moment. What I feel. The answer is withing there. more importantly the answer is within here. Where seeing is blind, hearing is impaired, taste is flavorless, touch is unfelt, smell is odorless. Here I have myself and my mind, pitted in a battle for information. My mind won a battle, and yet myself is indominable. Here within I find that despite it all, I cannot die. Here within I find that whatever my mind thinks of now, I know what was and is. Was and is are the same, as they have always been. What is is? What is? Everything is, and nothing isn't. I am is. Everywhere is. Everyone is. Everything is. Is simply is, so I am everything, Everyone, Everywhere. I am. A fundamental belief that in Christianity which I was raised belongs to God. Yet aren't ia part of God? So I am. I am. I cannot fight myself, nor can I condone the fighting against myself. A World War. A romance story to most people. A murderer is considered to be one of the most vile criminals in existence. It isn't murder if you declare your intentions to kill first, apparently. Or perhaps it isn't murder if you're able to destroy the world with a touch of a button. Or perhaps it isn't nurder if your belief system tells you to do it. Or perhaps you are afraid. To be everything you would be responsible. You are responsible. Live your life. Live life. What else is there?
Okay, so I dunno if that was what anyone was expecting, but it's what came out. I feel better at having done it, so my goal was achieved. I shall post again tomorrow, I think. Don't fret, it won't be nearly as long or insane as this one. =P Perhaps a normal post for all the people thinking I need mental help. In any event, I think it is my bed time now. Have a wonderful night, and enjoy your day. =)
current mood:  contemplative
current music: N/A
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| Friday, October 12th, 2001
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9:37 pm
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I get to see the most beautiful face tomorrow!!
Damnit, tomorrow's too long. Funk work, and funk a two hour drive. When're you all gonna invent that teleporter thingy mah jig, so I can zap to mah girl? Just no The Fly bullshit. =P
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8:49 am
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That face is real funky, and doees not describe the feeling I was looking for. =P
Think no feeling, just here. =P
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8:46 am
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So it's another morning for this lovely week. It's been a winner. Actually, it started well, and Wed was good until a point, but then it went way down hill. It still hasn't recovered yet. At least I'm getting more sleep now then I was earlier in the week.
Sleep is such a wonderful thing. I love sleeping, and I'd sleep all day, until I couldn't sleep anymore, if I had the chance. I've done that a couple of times in my life, and it's very refreshing. You wake up with almost no cares. It was nice.
So today's a short day, thank tha lawd in tha mornin. Well, not short, but early. 9:30am - 5:30 pm. Close to a real work day. Maybe I'll actually get a chance to have a conversation with Lisa today. We haven't had much of a chance to talk this week, because 1) our schedule's have been so off, and 2) she's been insanely busy. Hopefully, if she's not too busy today, too. I know she has some more stuff to do, but we'll see what happens.
15 minutes till go time. I need some damn coffee. I need to stop rambling. I need more life in me. I need to stop saying what I need. =P
Parting in such sweet exuberation... no, wait... isn't it supposed to be sorrow? Too bad =P
Latah
current mood:  blank
current music: I forgot to put some on, so I'm listening to rush hour traffic
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| Thursday, October 11th, 2001
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10:05 pm
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Days like this wear me out. Class at 9:30 in the morning, then straight to work. Work goes okay, except at the end of the night my drawer is $46 over. That may not sound like a big thing, and it isn't really, but to me it means a lot. I don't like screwing up. then on the drive home I almost get taken out by a drunk driver.
I'll be the first to admit that I've been sloppy a couple of times when drinking. I'll also admit that I've done some stupid things when drunk. But people, please, driving when drunk is the most idiotic thing in the world. There's enough death due to stupidity in the world, please don't add to it. Let someone else drive, or just don't drive. It's not worth your life, or the pain of someone else's.
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| Friday, September 21st, 2001
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3:40 am
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Saturated silence
lifting me above the light
piercing through to my eyes
despite my lids being shut down,
the opening to my soul held too tight
and slipping away,
but in silence I find my spirit
to qwell my mind and connect my heart.
It's two against one now,
and my mind slowly dissipates
from it's path of destruction of heart and soul
which I placed for safe-keeping
in the care of another.
Spirit knows truth,
heart knows love,
mind knows wisdom.
Remember the night,
the day,
the life,
the praying.
Easing back I still see the cause
yet control the irrational discovery of rationalization.
"Was it all a dream?"
screams the slowing engine
which desires an ear.
"You are the dream"
replies the silence.
I am human, and I doubt.
I am human, and I question.
I am human, and I overcome.
I am human, and I remember.
I am human, and I love.
I'm not sure if everything is spelled right. Qwell, especially. I suppose I could look it up, but I'm tired and I really don't feel like it. If it's wrong, it's wrong. =P
Unrelated to the content, but linked through how I originally posted this, I had a thought on vengance. There is a fine line between vengance and justice. In certain circumstances the two may even coincide. Let us hope for the strength to see justice, and not carry out vengance.
See -- Seek -- Look for
Carry -- Bring -- Take to
We are not perfect, therefore we do not take our perfection to anyone else. We are not perfect, therefore we look for perfection.
One world, one race...
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12:27 am
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Evacutate the streets, I'm actually entering a journal entry. It has been a very long time since I have done this. Please excuse me if I'm a bit rusty. Oh, and no, I'm not going to fill you in on what's been going on in my life since the last one. far too much, and considering the time, far too little. I'm pathetic, I know.
Alright, so it was my brithday today. Raise the flags and slap me silly. Oh wait, that's Lisa's job. We're doing well, by the way. I didn't get to talk to her today, which sucks. It's hard having our schedules so off right now. I mean, we still get to talk just about every day(today was an exxception, actually) but one of us is usually so tired that it gets hard sometimes. Not that I'm complaining about our communication by any means. It couldn't be better. It's hard to speak intelligently when you can't think, though. I'm not going to be possesive and demand her attention, though. She actually has a life outside of me, and that's not for me to demand to be left. Just because I don't have one doesn't mean anything. Just kidding, no play for sympathy or self-pity.
I have felt kind of down today. It's not the whole birthday thing. I actually don't really care about having a birthday anymore. Whoopee, another year. So what makes yesterday any less of a year than today? One day? Woohaa, break out the fireworks. Nah, I don't really know why I've felt down. I'm hard on myself in every aspect. I know I'm capable of, and when I don't reach that I destroy myself internally. A play noone sees, and I'm not sure anyone ever will. Specifically everything. Real specific there. I'll give you a perfect example. I know I'm a decent writer. I come up with some good stuff every now and then. I also know that icould be better, and that comparitively speaking I'm not all that good. What good writing is shows in my face everyday. A reason to be better for most people, but I'm not most people. If someone else is better than me it doesn't drive me to do better. It doesn't do anything to me. Well, that's not true. It makes me nervous.
Funk being nervous. My mind works too much. If I spent half the time thinking about stupid shit as I do actually applying my ability to learn and think I'd be doing alright. How do you stop something like that, though? Any suggestions? Not that anyone is going to read this anyways. The only reason I'm doing this is to get it out of my system, I think. One person I know will read it for certain, one may, and another I think will, if only because they're looking at something else that happens to be on my site.
What ever happened to positive Joe? He's still there, on days like today he just likes to play hide and seek. I thkn I'm actually a fairly positive person. It doesn't show all the time. Most of the time, really, but the way I act isn't a very good clue as to what's really going on in my head. That sounds bad, I know, but it's true. A lot of times I may appear to be negative, but it's just what shows, and not really how I feel.
So how do I really feel. I feel happy that the most amazing girl in the world is in love with me, despite all my flaws. I feel thankful that I have a loving family, and a nurturing environment. I feel hopeful that my life will turn out well. I also feel apprehension that it won't. I try not to dwell on that, though.
Far too often I find myself sacrificing things because of responsibilities I have. Mostly to myself. That's the only responsibility anyways. Our morals, and ideals, are what keep us doing the things we have to. Otherwise it'd be a nice free-for-all of do whatever. I don't like that picture. It sounds nice on the surface, but there's a lot of people I don't trust. I try to trust, but I can't find it in me to trust everyone. I have a hard enough time trusting those closest to me, how am I going to trust a stranger. I try to live up to my own standards, too. If I can't live up to my own standards, how can I expect others to?
Which brings me back to being hard on myself. I expect from myself, and end up expecting a lot from other people. I dont' deliver all the time, and it leaves me tired and confused.
Ugh, I'm going in circles now, and my brain is doing that overdrive thing. Rambling at my villany. That's spelled wrong, I think, but funk it. Anyways, I'm going to go to sleep, or something. If you read this let me know. It'd be nice to know how many people actually read these few rants I give. Maybe if enough people respond I'll start posting more, and being more cheerful. Maybe I'll actually make some friends then. hahaha.
current mood:  blah
current music: Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
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| Saturday, August 25th, 2001
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11:12 pm
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I love Lisa so much. Though at times we find ourselves at each other's throats, with a little bit of talking we end up at the heart of our problem(s) and suddenly find ourselves working them out. Tonight was one of those nights. I won't go into the details, but we got into a pretty big fight. It was short, though, because of good communication. That's another thing about her that has me all in a flutter when I think about her. We communicate the same most of the time, and we have excellent lines of communication. It makes it easy to convey how we're feeling to one another, and saves a lot of undue frustration. In case you didn't hear me the first time, I love my Lisa so much.
If anyone is wondering about the poem I posted before this, please don't. It's a deeply personal matter that would only confuse if told. Read it, adapt to your life, or take it in through the emotions it represents. Oh, and always love those closest to you. You'd be surprised how lucky you are to have people close to you. Not everyone can be so lucky.
current mood: better
current music: The crickets outside. They're soothing.
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11:04 pm
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Cast adrift upon the seas of unreality
my broken body grabbing tightly to an insubstantial raft
I beg of dreams of past to return me
to the golden-white beaches of beauty
I remember from old
where everyone new my name
and my soul was given free roam
Such times I recall of laughter and sharing
which have been eroded away and lost
to the eternal depths
Such tears weigh my face
as they join the power of loss
A loss of life
life which was me
I fear to forget
I do that sometimes
forget what has come
it's why I beg of reminders
and yet here I am
releasing them in such sorrow and pain
Do you remember that time when?
Such times I clung to
until I clung too tightly
only to find it was myself I was letting slip through
like a bar of soap in the shower
so slippery now
How do I breathe without remembering how to?
Will I fail when I realize I am alone?
Fear is my champion
for I will never bow before it
Pulling hand over broken hand
I suddenly realize I can fly.
I am truly sorry, my memories, for what will become of you.
I love you more than I can ever say,
for you are what I was,
but I cannot be that anymore.
I promise to never forget you,
you who have been my shield,
you who have been my laughter,
you who have been my escape,
you who have been my wit,
you who have been my spirit,
you have been my child,
you who have been me.
So much to be said,
which mere words can never express.
Remember me as I was,
for who I am can no longer find the connection.
I love you.
current mood: melancholy
current music: A Guy Called Gerald -- Essence
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| Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
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1:16 pm
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So it's been a long time since I've posted. I've been told I'm a disgrace to the LJ community. I have to be in the right mood to write, though, even a journal entry. Plus I'm lazy. Yes, that lazy. I don't know if it's laziness as much as not really knowing what to say, though. I'm not really used to haveing a journal. I've never had one before, and having my first one be a public one is a little strange. I never know how much to say. I hope I don't offend anyone, but if I do suck it up. It's just my random thoughts of the moment, and it doesn't mean I hold anything against you.
So a lot's happened since my last netry. Surprise, surprise, considering how long it's been. Lisa and I are doing well, although we have our bumps. Everyone does, I guess, so don't worry for us. About a week ago we took a mini-vacation and went to Richmond for a night, and then to Kings Dominion. I don't like Richmond, but Kings Dominion was a lot of fun. We rode every ride at least once, including the Hypersonic XLC. That thing is crazy fast. 0-80mph in 1.8 seconds. When we "launched" some people waiting in line must have thought Chewbaca got on the ride, the way I yelled. Don't laugh, you'd yell, too. =P The line... now that sucked. 2 and a half hours in 100 deree heat. It made us all cranky and tired, but once we got on it was fun. We didn't have much energy after that, so it's a good thing the only rides we had left were the old goodies that no one really goes on anymore. The grizzly rocks.
I'm going to Montgomery College today. They have a Web Designer certificate that I'm going to sign up for. Only $74/credit, too, so it's well priced. I've tried to call them, but they aren't very good at getting back to people, apparently. That's why I'm going to just go over there and demand attention. I feel like a spoiled kid. I want attention, damnit, and I want it now!
I need to start making lists of what ineed to do. It sounds corny, I know, but with as much stuff as I have stacke dup I forget a lot of them until much later. It kind of sucks. At least none of it is crucial must be now kind of stuff, but it things I want to get done. Someday...
I'm in one of those blah moods today. Part of me is happy about actually going out and getting something done, part of me is getting over being sick, and part of me is upset. It all combines to be a very neutral feeling to a lot of things. I'm forced to put up a front a lot of times, just because I don't like the people I deal with every day to get too much into my business. I know that soudns strange, but when they're as nosey and invading as these people you tend to not want them in your emotions too much.
Why am I feeling upset? Well, I don't think upset is the right word for it, but I don't know how else to describe it. It has a lot to do with moods. I know it's hard to control your moods, and that some people have more trouble with it than most. I'm usually very understanding of that, and try not to get upset by a bad mood. Sometimes it gets to me, though. I'm not perfect, and I don't claim to be, but I do my best. There are times when something is said that comes from a mood, or because of the mood you may just not think about what you're saying, and that thing that was said can hurt the other person a little. That's the hardest thing to let pass you by. I may not even realize it, but if I'm in a mood and I make someone feel like they aren't doing enough for me, or that someone else can do a better job, then I'm sorry for that. It's not meant as a personal attack at all, it's just me rolling my thoughts out to no one in particular. I guess that's what I'd say. Like I said earlier, this is here for my thoughts to roll out, and momentary tension relief. It's always a good idea to get bad feelings out, no matter how small they may be. Something ineed to do better at, among other things.
Anyways, now that my little discharge is done, on to better topics. Yes, there's more I want to say. I miss Lisa. I just saw her, but I miss her. That sounds familiar, I know, but it's true. No matter how many days of the week I get to see her, that one day apart is a longing. Not that I rely on her to make me happy, because I think I do an okay job of being happy on my own, but when I'm with her it's so easy to be happy. Rarely is there something that invades tha happiness, and when it does we do a good job of talking about it, and discovering it's source. Something that almost always dispells it. It's funny how the bad feelings tend to dissipate once brought to the front. At least for me. It's like once I face it and come to terms with what it is, why it happened, and what it did, I can move on from it.
Lisa just went to work and won't be home till 8:30. =( I should get off my ass and get to the college so I can sign up. I've put it off for too long, already.
Sorry for the length, everyone, and I'll try and post more often so Ican keep the posts shorter. To all have a good day, and if you feel down try and smile. It's addictive.
To my special bear, I love you. You are the climax to my life story, and continue to be every second I think of you. :o)
current mood: blah
current music: silence is golden
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| Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
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11:06 pm
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Damn, I forgot to put a mood...
The mood... I dunno if I feel that way, it just sounded good. =P
current mood: predatory
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(3 comments |comment on this)
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11:04 pm
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Okay so it's been a while. Sorry, Amber, for not writing you back concerning that last post to my journal. I suppose I should take this oppurtunity to explain as best I can.
So Lisa came up while I was at work, and was waiting for me. When I got home she was asleep and left a note for me about something I had done. I'm not going to say what, because it's not something I care to talk about, but let's just say it upset things a little(yeah, just slightly). So she was pissed, I was ashamed, and all hell had broken loose. Enter the journal. Vent city, baby. Turn that shit up to full blast, and let loose my sorrow for the world to see. So anyways, pain and suffering, talking and healing, and now we feel better. Did I get away with it, or talk myself out of it? Fuck no, I suffered, she suffered, and we suffered for it. Story done, and life goes on, hopefully for the better with yet another chasm crossed.
Isn't it funny how some people believe it's unwise to wear your "heart on your sleeve", so to speak? Maybe it's just me, but I see several things wrong with such a viewpoint. Would you like me to go into them? You would? Oh, how wonderful! =P
First off, if you hide your heart, who are you hiding it from? Other people, or yourself? Probably both so you can leave it behind in case it's threatned too much. Or even forget it for a couple of hours, in case you have the gall to believe that your physical needs are more important than someone else's entire being. Nice thought, buddy. Why don't you just use a sword. It's cleaner.
Why the fuck would I not want people to know how in love I am? For one, I wish to share my happiness. I want to radiate joy and well being, and I want others to feel that loveliness and bask in it as well. What's wrong with smiling instead of scowling? A hardass is useful when you need to bargain, but the other 99% of the time I would rather be cheery and happy. Oh, and please don't call me a PLURry person. I will rip your throat out. There's a difference between saying "I will be happy", and saying "let's all just get along." Sorry, BUCKO(stolen from a wonderful conversation a special someone had the other night), but it isn't going to happen. All I want from you is your respect, and I'll give you mine in return. Shit, if I really like you I'll give you my love and admiration, too(all you ladies relax, I'm not giving that much love. =P ). If you don't respect me, I'll show you the door.
So let's dilly-dally on to the next point, and maybe catch another tangent or two. =P
My heart is in my chest, and can't be on my sleeve, or I'd be dead. I think that's the only saving grace for that statement. Let's geeeet TECHNICAL... TECHINCAL, BAAAAAABY, TECHINCAL. No, I'm not listening to that song, it just popped in my head. I know, it's very sad. Pray for me. =P
So weiner-muncher of an asshole ex of my girl's is being a straight up fucker. He has some very important things of hers, a cross passed down from her father which has more significance then I could possibly convey here, and a bear she's had since she was very young. He's had two months to send the stuff, and still hasn't even boxed it up. Oh, but he said he did a while ago. The best fucking thing is that when she talked to him the other night he said something to the extent of "I knew I didn't put it in the box, but damn when I opened it I was so surprised it wasn't there!" Uh huh, suck my dick. Damn, he's lucky he's got a border between him and I. I don't like to get violent, and I usually abhor it, but I can't help have feelings of extreme distaste for this pinprick. Hey crack, stop fuckin around!
So that was my rant, and I feel better. Now I'm going to go talk to Lisa, and see if I can convince her to move in with me. Oh wait, I already did. We're gonna wait till when she gets out of school, next summer, when we both will be in a better position to do something like that. I hate being apart from her, but I don't want to live like beggar's, either. She's worth so much more than that. Anyways, I'm rambling again. I like to do that, hehe. =P
Have fun reading my shite, all, and don't forget to leave me a lil sumthin sumthin in my comments section. Make me smile, dammit, or I'll come after you with a pogo stick. Don't ask why a pogo stick, just accept the threat and obey. =P
*mwuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuah*
Love you, precious =)
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| Monday, July 2nd, 2001
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5:36 pm
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My firends...
Ah my dear friends, what ever have I done?
What inane thought drove me to bring about this disgusted act? What drug clouded my mind to leave me of all my sense? What heart did I wear that night which replaced mine?
For what seems longer than I can remember, yet all too short a time ago, I had found what I was seeking my entire life. An answer to every question I had about myself. A question to every answer I had about myself. Before my thought was formed, here it was made true. Before I could feel, here it was so. Before I could act, here it was done.
So who's insane head did I wear which thought of such an act? Who's foolish thought did I let in which said do this thing? I know not these answers, but I sorely wish I did. I do know that what fragile acceptance I had gained, I just lost.
Ahh my friends, you know a fool more foolish than most. You know a boy who would throw all of importance away for a peek at something else. You know a decadent whom deserve's no such honor as was bestowed upon him.
You now know my transgression, and my sorrow...
Perhaps now I can show you the other side. The side which cries to the monitor, because for shame and loss he fears not look where he wants. You now see someone wishing with all his heart that his foolishness were something he could have controlled. You now listen to a person who would give up every item, every link, and every soul for that which he has broken.
You now listen to a man desperate for his heart...
Whether or not it is still his is yet to be seen.
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