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LiveJournal for YUMMY PUFFY DINO GIRL OF FUN.
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| Friday, March 15th, 2002 |
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| I'm overwhelmed with this feeling like I have no control over what goes on in my life. I think I should just give up on stuff because everything is too hard for me to do. I make myself be motivated and do things to be responsable. I know I have to keep my life on track so I do things that come up and need to get done. It's just that everything I do is such a task I can't even handle it. Whenever there is the slightest complication I get so worked up over it. Like if things don't go perfectly, I have very little capacity to deal with it. So right now Ron has this sleep apnea and he's gotten to the point where all he wants to do is lay in bed and sleep. I understand that it's what he needs to do and I am not upset at him for that, it's just that I can't sit in my room anymore and watch tv while he sleeps on my bed. I can't deal with it. It makes me restless. It's basically like I'm there by myself and I feel like I'm always doing something wrong cause I try to do fun things with him but he doesn't have the engery to do it. So every time he comes to visit or any time he drives me somewhere it completely wears him out so I feel bad. He takes so much out of himself to help me and make me happy and after its all over he just wants to sleep. On top of it all he thinks I find him to be uninteresting. It's not him, it would be the same with anyone who just came over and went to sleep in my bed. I understand why he needs to do it, but I can't make myself be happy or not bored. It's not even a choice I have. That's how I feel when we can't even talk because he is so tired. I want to take away his apnea or whatever is making him feel so bad because I want to be able to play with my pixie. But I can't deal with it because he gets mad at me. Just now we got offline and he's like yea you think I'm boring why don't you go hang out with your friends and I'll just go to sleep. He doesn't get it. Like I don't get to say what I feel because he just assumes I think he sucks so he just snaps at that and then gets offline. I don't want to go out with people. I don't even need to go out. I just want him to at least, if we're going to sit in the room, be attentive and talk to me and be positive about things. He told me that he couldn't deal with negative people because they make him feel negative, and I understand why he's negative and I'm negative too, but I just think we both need understanding. He thinks I don't know how hard it is for him to drive me to school or to drive me anywhere. But he wants to be with me, so he does it anyway. Can I be blamed for this? Is it my fault that we want to be together? I mean at this point there are only two ways to go. Either he sleeps and doesn't see me and I guess that will make him better since that's what he's opted to do, or he comes here to see me and he's too tired to talk to me so then I get upset and then he thinks I'm a bitch because I'm upset because he doesn't talk to me. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I guess I'm just going to let him sleep because he won't be yelling at me that way, and then I won't have to feel guilty about him putting himself out just to come see me. At the same time, I'll most likely sit in my room tonight. I'm not going to just start calling my friends because he's not here so I can go out. He thinks this is some happy thing for me. Like whoo hoo now I can hang out with people who don't even care about me. And I have this poem in my profile about him and its cute but now he gets back online and he's like yea you should take that off cause its stupid. What the fuck. | ||||
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| Friday, March 8th, 2002 |
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Baby you're beautiful Little cuteness lying on my bed How could you ever think otherwise? Claiming you've found perfection in me, my inspiration comes from you. I've searched forever for You. I get to leave this chapter behind. The searching, the sadness, uncertainty of what I could find. You've raised me above everything. Weaknesses are slowly flying away. There's just this direction. Its not the same anymore. I had these questions...I didn't know what to expect of life. Those problems don't matter anymore. They weren't the problem. It was me. I wasn't full. I kept looking for what wasn't there. It seemed so confusing. But its so easy. It's just a thing. It's a person. It's you. |
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| Sunday, March 3rd, 2002 |
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| The day began like any other...waking up around 2 with some agenda to fulfill. I coerced Ron into driving me to Utrecht to get canvases for art class. According to the mapquest directions, the drive should have only taken about 38 minutes. With the coupling of the rain and the multiples of streets with the same name in DC (i.e. 9th St NW, 9th St SE, 9th St NE, 9th St SW) it really took about 2 hours of aimless driving, during which time we managed to find ourselves traveling down every road except the right one. I soon began to hate the SW, for it seemed that I would never be about to navigate out of it. Finally after much random decisions and one way roads we found the damn store. Of course, being in the middle of the golden triangle, there was no parking to be had. Defeated, we pulled into a parking deck only to shortly reverse back onto the street after having read "less than an hour: $7.00." I admit at that point we should have been willing to pay for anything just to exit the car, but that just wasn't happening. So Ron waited in a loading zone while I ran the remainder of the way to the store in the rain, purchased canvas at lightening speed and lugged it back to the car in the windy rain. Unfortunately I realized I'd forgotten my $10 off coupon in the process, which would have afforded us the inks we needed for silkscreening random logos on tshirts as we'd planned. At that point I just wanted to get to the town of George, and I wasn't about to run back in the rain and argue for my discount. So we maneuvered rather successfully save a few wrong turns, into Georgetown and found some parking spaces on Q street as was customary for any outing in that area. Temporarily having issues parallel parking in his stick shift, Ron managed to navigate into seemingly large space. I checked the confusing signs designating the legality of parking in this location, and seeing everything in order we began to walk down the street to the main shopping area. As we rounded the corner we saw the ominous metro parking patrol SUV. We looked at each other and continued a few steps. As the door on the vehicle opened, a rather portly woman with a scowl on her face, metermaid in hand stepped out and onto the pavement. The earth seemed to tremor. We waited around the corner as she walked slowly past the line of cars leading up to ours. She paused. Read the signs. Apparently doing a better job of comprehension than I had. As she began to punch the numbers I attempted communication. "Ma'am, are we allowed to park in this space?" I attempted to the best of my southern abilities to reason with this beast of a woman. "Nope." She continued to hit keys. "We've only been here like 2 minutes, can we just move the car?" Silence as she finished her typing. "Well, it'll only take me a minute to write you this ticket." She resolutely printed the ticket and handed it to us. Fifty fuckin dollars. What a fat bitch. We stuck it in the windshield and continued to walk in the rainy drizzle. Ron slid every few seconds due to lack of traction on his sandles. The day seemed to have resumed normalcy for a period. We entered a market for water and use of the facilities, followed by a stop in Commander Salamander. While we were making our way to the front to purchase a puma jacket and a tank top, a man came running in screaming he'd been shot and asking for an ambulance. He had blood on his head and what appeared to be a bullet wound. I think the people behind the counter called an ambulance and gave him a napkin. Shortly after another man entered and they began to argue. The bleeding man informed the salespeople that he was fine and ran out of the store once more. Everyone stood around in shock while we bought our things, collected some fliers and left. At that point Ron had a horrible migraine and I was starving. In addition, it was about 40 degrees and raining as it had been all day, so we were pretty much soaked. We made our way to the mall to eat. After glancing at the selections, I decided it would be cheaper and more filling to eat at Burrito Brothers. We left the warm refuge of the mall and entered the cold once more only to tredge up and down the street where the restaurant USED to be. It took me until we reached urban outfitters to realize the store had likely closed since we couldn't find it. Ron consented to let me look in UO for a bit since I had a gift certificate to spend anyway. I parused the overcrowded store, coming up with a puma shirt, puma shorts, and a snoopy tshirt. After trying everything on, I waited in line only to arrive in another situation. It appears the store system had been down the entire day and they were having trouble processing sales. On top of that, the system wouldn't take my gift card, so I had to wait like 30 minutes while they called the main office, checked my credit and forced the card through their system and made copies of the receipt. During that time some very rude people became flustered that it was taking so long and threw their merchandise on the counter giving evil looks to the poor salesgirl who was helping me. Like it was her fault. At any rate, I finally got my stuff and we headed BACK to the mall, having confirmed with the salesgirl that burrito brothers had indeed closed. We ate at arby's, where the cashier was on the point of having a mental breakdown. While helping us, he ran into the cold freezer and actually screamed at the top of his lungs. I hesitated to tell him he'd given me sweet tea instead of unsweet for fear he'd kill himself. As he calmed down I brought attention to his error and he seemingly politely refilled it, but I'm sure he spit in it anyway. After sitting for a bit, we decided it would be best to head back for Brad's party type thing. We thought to get him something, so I went to the cookie store to get him one of those birthday cookies that have your name written on them and stuff. After learning they were like $25, I changed my mind. I resolved to get him a cake at a bakery on the way home instead. At the time we left the mall and reentered the outside world, the rain was heavier and the cold more intense. We wandered the streets for nearly an hour unable to find Ron's car. After retracing our steps time after time, only to walk past the same wrong roads, we gave up. We were both drenched and incapable of walking any further in the cold. There was a possibility the car had been towed anyhow. We walked back to barnes and nobles and changed into our new dry clothes we'd purchased in the bathroom. I bought a cup of coffee, which was made incorrectly and tasted disgusting but I didn't care at that point. We decided to take the bus to the metro and ride the metro to Ron's house because we couldn't find the car anymore. I realized I didn't have any physical cash, just credit cards which the bus wouldn't take. Not wanting to walk outside again to find an ATM, we resorted to begging. Ron asked a wiry man in his late forties "if he could please spare any change." I asked a college aged girl sitting directly behind me. Both complied and we accumulated the dollar needed for the bus. We happily boarded it and road it to the metro, and finally arrived back in Rockville. The relief experienced once back in Ron's dads car was indescribable. We went back to his house where we dressed in warm clothes and had a snack of Ukrainian bread with cheeses. The immediate feeling of goodness was pervaded by the fact that we did have to go back at some point and actually find the car. Around 2AM we abducted his dads car and I drove back to georgetown. We literally found the car within 15 minutes of being there. Ron hopped into that car and we proceeded to drive once again to Rockville. For those of you who are unaware, the drive from Georgetown to Rockville, is huge. It takes like an hour in the best of traffic conditions. We finally returned his dads car, and made it back to college park around 4AM, completely missing Brad's party, some other kids party, and the Studio 600 we'd considered attending. Nice day. Let's never do it again. | ||||||||
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| Saturday, January 12th, 2002 |
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| At last the neglected journal is revisited. Since the start of my zoloft eating, I have detected a turn from the euphoric giddiness of the initial days to a mellow numbness I do not much enjoy. I'm torn between eating it or not eating it. Should I decide to cease it's habitation in my bodily systems, I must slowly reduce my dosage so as to avoid some sort of terrible illness the psychiatrist warned me of. I don't like the feelings I have. I'm not sad or happy. I'm just existing. And i'm forever chronically fatigued to the point where moving and walking about are tasks in themselves. If I'm out of my room for 6 hours or more of the day, I feel as though I've been busy and exhausted. Generally I lay in the bed until 3 or 4, then wake up in time to eat some cereal for dinner, and eat again around 9. When I went back to revisit the psychiatrist, he prescribed Buspar to take in addition to my zoloft. Since I've started taking the two together (oh yes, and he added another 25mg to the zoloft dose) I have noticed slight decreases in my anxiety. Over the course of this journey, I have shifted my emphasis from depression onto anxiety. I no longer think I am depressed or ever was. The zoloft makes me feel like I am. My thoughts are stable while my body is in constant lethargy. I'm starting to forget why being anxious was so bad, for I feel this is quite worse. However, my plan is to finish off the zoloft mid month and begin decreasing the doses. I'd like to stay on the buspar, which is specifically for anxiety which I feel makes up the majority of my current problems. ERG Seldom do I know what I want anymore. I used to do what I felt. But in the absence of feeling I have learned to use reason and rationality at times, which is supposedly a rewarding thing. In other news, the KDP new years party SUCKED royally. Ron and I got there early and helped set up the party. Decorations consisted entirely of trashbags and orange construction fencing that I alone tacked up on the wall. All the Dj's were stupid techno. I mean who makes a lineup with all techno. I don't even know that much about the music in this line of festivities, but I know it was bad. On top of it all, there was no heat in this little room. Did I mention it was in the storage room of a laundromat? Don't be deceived, I too thought that would be a cool aspect to the party, but again I proved to be wrong. So basically we sat on a couch against the wall of this freezing little room on NYE which was by far the coldest night so far. Finally around 4:30 our ride was ready to leave. Keep in mind we'd been there since 9. Around 1 we got desperate and began asking random tools if they were going anywhere near college park and if they could give us a ride. For whatever reasons, that proved disastrous. There was some stupid reggae kid "freestylin" outside, but humorously enough his lyrics were actually part of a song he stole. How lame. On top of that, he kept trying to impress me by rambling about his summers in Jamaica to some 7 year old kid who was helping me set up, and obviously had no idea what the hell this guy was talking about. I mean talk about pathetic. Especially since I was sitting with Ron the whole time. I mean, get a life. MMMM I love college. SOme retard just pulled up on the side walk and started blasting music and waking up EVERYONE in the building. Ah well. Ron is really funny when he sleeps. He makes these weird noises and moves around and twitches. Then he gets up and lifts his leg into the air and runs it against the wall. Sometimes he flips over and drools on stuff. I love it. I love him. Cutest thing ever. EEEEEEP | ||||||||
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| Sunday, December 16th, 2001 |
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| So last night I took my first Zoloft. This has been a much anticipated event for the past 3 years.....and here we are. THe road to FUN!!!! So far Ive noticed small changes. Last night I went to buzz and even though it sucked, it was ok to just be there. And I wasn't socially anxious. I could make all those small talk conversations that people make when they're in big groups and don't really know each other all that well. I felt relaxed for a change. Sometime around 6am I think it began to wear off but I couldn't sleep and I got this weird uneasy feeling like I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't think, I couldn't understand the things my body needed. But that passed as I fell asleep and today was incredible. It was cold outside, I was walking around a lot, I was tired, I even lost my ATM card, and throughout it all there was no stress. It was like lalalala. ANd I love Ron more than ever. It's like I just woke up from some haze and there's this wonderful little creature for me to enjoy. Being happy makes all the difference in the world in a relationship. On top of that, it's not scary to walk around in public anymore. I still don't want to talk to the stupid people, but they don't scare me. Everything is just, generally good. Everything is heightened. Every sense. It's like I was unable to feel things before and now they're all there, vibrant and fun. EEEEEp. Omg and I mean I knew that Ron was the best thing out there and I loved him to death and we're getting married and stuff, but now its just like, I don't even know how to explain it. It's just such yummy puffy fun!!! I'm glad things are the way they are. My compulsiveness kept my life together though the blahness, but now I'm able to enjoy the things I never let fall apart. It's wonderful. So yea......FUNNNNNNNNNNN | ||||||
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| Monday, December 3rd, 2001 |
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SO I haven't really done anything. Um, Ron and I take lots of pics with the digi cam for fun and I LOVE him a lot and we got digitally married on Dec 2, 2001. You can check it out here: http://www.mycgiserver.com/~livewed/wedding6.jsp?firstName1=Erin&lastName1;=Johnson&firstName2;=Ron&lastName2;=Charnis&partyType1;=Bride&partyType2;=Groom&dt;=Sunday%2C+December+2%2C+2001 And in other news, thomas and george are the newest additions to the family of fun. IM uber psyched that I get to stay up here during winter term and play with my baby all the time. EEPP. So we went to Kickdrum fun on Friday night and I'm going to be a stupid raver and blab about phat sets and 303's now. So like ya technics blablbalba tight yo, wigga wigga DOPE. Ok so yea and then Saturday we just got drunk in my room and had fun with popcorn and lemonade. MMMMM And today we like um didn't do anything and then I went to Alario's and now I'm stalking EBAY for adidas fun. And that about covers it. HURRAY I GET TO GO TO ROCKET. HAPPY NEW YEAAR ME!!!!!! WOOOOOP |
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| Monday, November 26th, 2001 |
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EXCITEMENT!!!!! I have this website thing and finally have usurped a digital camera from my house so I can exploit my photowhore nature.....either way, expect fun updates like every day. www.geocities.com/yumpuff/meeeeeeeeeeeep.h |
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| Thursday, November 22nd, 2001 |
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To see you, when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold utopian dream. You do something to me that I can't explain. So would I be out of line if I said, I miss you.(?) I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine. You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wastin away. I know I'll see you again whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care and I miss you. I love you baby! Sorry, I had to go to bed early. MWA!! |
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| Wednesday, November 14th, 2001 |
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rIcHgOOsE 8 3: you suck!!!! M aLLo W pi X iE: and why is that rIcHgOOsE 8 3: you gave me a sex line rIcHgOOsE 8 3: when i asked 4 your # rIcHgOOsE 8 3: that is mean and offensive rIcHgOOsE 8 3: i am shocked M aLLo W pi X iE: HAHAH M aLLo W pi X iE: omg u called it M aLLo W pi X iE: hahahaha rIcHgOOsE 8 3: lol rIcHgOOsE 8 3: yea |
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I wish you could know the power of your being. How every action seems of monumental importance. Not one of my innate thoughts can keep me from finding solace in yours. I’ve come to accept there are some things I can not see, And I still believe they exist. I know now there ARE things too large to understand But I still accept them in my life, from here forward. Happiness, like all else, oscillates, Yet mine can so easily be fixed on “constant.” S M I L E And everything else inside me d i s s a p p e a r s........... Forever I’ll sing quietly as I go about my day, And linger on my last thought of you Until I see you again...... |
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| Tuesday, November 13th, 2001 |
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| So for the first time in awhile I actually did some work. And ew how it sucked. I stayed up til like 5am on a THURSDAY night when I should have been playing with Ron. And after all that, I was only about half way through the damn thing. I mean, who cares about Egyptian deities anyway? Certainly not I. But since I slept through the first exam in this class I figure I need to do boku effort on this so I can not fail the class. ANyway, I missed Ron funs but he finally came on like Friday and we went to a KDP party so that was aight. We abducted Dave and took him with us there. Once again someone thought having kegs of Yeungling was a great idea, which I really need to say, it is NOT. And we saw Evan and he pounced on us. HAHAH midgets on TV. YA so it was really cold, but for some reason raver kids think outside is ALWAYS the best place to be, so I was bascially freezing and had to keep going inside but it was alright. I have basically deducted that drinking is not fun, and drugs are not fun, and parties aren't even that great, and people just do these things because they're looking for something to distract their minds from the reality that they're missing someone. And I completely have that FOREVER so it's like why would I ever bother to do these things? Ron is the replacement for any activity and being with him surpasses all of that in a way that nothing else ever did. Saturday was fun, we went to the yummy puffy grocery store in D.C. and bought organic yummies and I made our favorite dinner of chicken caesar salad and pizza pasta. MMMMMMM eat stuff. And I got this fig stuff for cheese. MMMMM eat cheese. And we played super mario brothers old school style and tony hawk and it was super fun cause we're cyber geeks. SO ya and then Sunday, uhhhhh we made fun candy raver necklaces and beads of wood and they're pretty. YA and we went to rent a movie, but I'm really bad at this whole returning movies thing, so I had late fees from last week and I couldn't cause we didn't have enough money. It's tragic too cause we were gonna rent "Black Spring Break 2." I mean, HOW funny does that movie sound? If only you'd seen the box cover! So yea, we layed around here and watched Cruel Intentions which is really more messed up than I remember. Ryan Phillipe is like a rapist, but I never noticed that when I saw it a few years ago. So yea, today was incredible. I was full of energy and actually went to my classes and was happy and prancing around campus. All because of Ron. He makes life worth living and worth waking up for. Kissing him is the best feeling in the world. It's like I know what I'm doing for once, and it's right and perfect and going to be that way for the rest of life. The relationship just keeps getting better. We surpass new planes of love practically every week. I have theses feelings with him that I've never had with anyone else, even people I thought I loved. So this is so different, so important in my life and I'll never let it fade or take advantage of him. A simple kiss is like the beginning of a dream constantly unfolding. I can't even grasp the incredulity of how it is we are together. Two souls that found each other.....and I'm so young this all seems remarkable to me still. I'm in awe of things which are so much bigger than me.....and this is definately one of them. The more time I spend with him the more things seem to take on surreal qualities of perfection. I wasn't even aware someone could change me this much. At any rate, I love you babe. And I do need you. I thought I was independent until I met someone who could so easily break me. Realizing this, I'm humbled and grateful for the chance to feel alive. | ||||||||
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| Wednesday, November 7th, 2001 |
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Now all these tastes improve through the view that comes with you Thank you for making me see there's a life in me It was dying to get out Now all these tastes improve Through the view that comes with you Like they handed me my life for the first time it felt worth it Like I deserved it |
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| Tuesday, November 6th, 2001 |
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I finally figured out how to add pictures. SO here are some pics of fun ness. I thought it would be easier to post them in an entry instead of adding them to all my older entries! Yes, I am lazy.      
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| Monday, November 5th, 2001 |
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| Soooo...the usual Thursday-Sunday weekend. How fun. So Thursday was restful I think; I can't really remember what happened. OH yea, so Ron and I sat around and then on Friday we went to Rockville to explore things and I bought some stuff in Rugged Warehouse and we went to a ghetto mall and ate taco bell for dinner. MMM Eat stuff. So the Friday we watched Freddy Got Fingered which was like gory and ew, but mildly amusing at times. It may be the first movie that actually made it back to the video store before it was overdue. And like Saturday Melissa came to play with me and we went shopping in Gtown and ate pizzas at UNO and yummy. Then I left my keys in her purse and we chased each other around the Metro trying to get my keys back. We considered visiting the Pentagon since we were already there, but I was late for my rave so we didn't. I finally got back, met up with Ron and we traveled to Decadence. For some reason, we thought we'd be having a FUN night and want to stay til 8AM when it closed, so we took the metro. Basically I spent the whole night sick and dizzy and was relieved to find out that Richard could take us home. There was some weirdo named "jer" who kept stalking us and eating his sweatshirt and he told me he was going to jail next week. Everytime he saw us, he'd introduce himself again like he didn't rememeber he already had. OMG and ron and I were so cute. We wore matching fun ADIDAS tops that were black and white and we're like really cute. And so we got back and I was laying on the floor dying and what not and the night kinda sucked until I stopped feeling sick and then it was finally fun, which I wish had happened at the club. I'm not sure if it was just because I was back home, or if the sickness really had gone away and maybe I shouldn't have left. But oh well. The only truly positive thing about the whole experience was the weird revelations I started having. After I wasn't sick anymore, I started to relax and think. It hadn't occured to me that you could reach a certain level of feeling toward someone other than simply to know that you loved them. This is really weird and I'm not sure how well I'll be able to explain it, but I want to at least recall how it occured. I was just watching him, sitting there taking care of me. And this odd sensation came over me. It was an absolute certainty in the permanence of our togetherness. I'd known it before, but I wasn't aware that I hadn't felt it. Like I knew I wanted to marry him and we'd be together forever and whatever, but this time I saw him and I KNEW these things would eventually happen. I felt like we were already married. It's like, you have a certain feeling for someone as a boyfriend. And that is what I'd had before. But this was drastically different. It's like a warming comfort. It's safety and love and permanence....I look at him differently now. And this isnt just me being lame and saying that I wasn't secure in the relationship before. It's not like that at all. It's like I was PERFECTLY content with our status and our future and what not, and then suddenly it gets even better, a higher level of perfect, and that is something that has never happened to me before in any past relationships. So I dunno what to think. I'm super fucking happy about it. That's about all I can grasp at this point. Hopefully having some time to think will make this all clearer in my mind. All I know is, that was two days ago when I thought these things and I still feel them. It takes the relationship to a different level in my mind than it was before. I hope you feel the same way. I love you. MWA | ||||||||
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| Thursday, November 1st, 2001 |
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| So like YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY finally everything is over. My exams are like finished and I did well on all of them and I can be fun again and not have to worry about stupidness!!! So last night BUZZ was the funnest thing ever. People were all wearing fun costumes and I was a raver bee and I went with ROOOOOn and had the bestest time ever. Everything is perfect again. We just like sat around and plurred, but like we came with Melissa and they were going to leave and something weird happened and we got split up. So I thought they were still inside. So Ron and I had to wait for like 2 hours for BUzz to end, thinking they were still inside, but they weren't and so we went outside and ya I love Melissa. She actually waited in the car outside Buzz for us to come out. I mean, THAT's friendship. So the UnFuns were that some thug monkees broke into her car again, which just happened in like September this year. And they stole her stereo and everything and Ron's passport and that just sucks cause it sucks. So peoples were kinda sad. Oh and they took his car keys, so he had to wake up his dad at 5:30 in the morning to get him to come him so he wouldn't get another ticket. We ate stuff while we waited and then like he went home. So I had to wake up at 9 for this thing I had to turn in and lets just say cracked out dilusional doesn't even BEGIN to describe me. HAHA I just sat there like the lethargic blob I have become. So I sat through that, and then through another class, and then I had to take and exam of all things. But it was incredible. Like, those little booklets they give you to write in, I filled up the WHOLE thing. And I knew all the questions and I finished it thirty minutes early and I had Chipotle to celebrate. And then I took a "nap" and I was gonna get up for painting, but I just woke up and its 6:30 so ya I guess that didn't really happen. HAHAH But like YAY I'm refreshed and Fun and come with a cape and an imagination ready to PLAAY. That was a hotwatermusic quote BTW. Oh ya and like stuff is wonderful cause Ron is the bestest thing in the whole fucking world. Every second I looked at him last night was just like, disbelief that I could be and actually AM with someone like that. I'm so in love its funny. Like I can't even describe the depth of emotions I have for him. It's just absolutely perfect and I know it isn't going anywhere and I'm so elated to think I'm with someone who finally understand things for how they are and I won't ever have to find fault with what he thinks because everything is REAL. REAL fun and perfect and yum puff. OMG Spanish King Kong on the Simpsons. HAHA Oh and like we're going to Decadence on Saturday and that's going to be awesome. MMMMM seeds. K so like I have nothing more to say but FUN. And yay I get to see Ron in a little bit because he's coming over to play. LOOOOOOOOOVE | ||||||
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| Tuesday, October 30th, 2001 |
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"Turn on the Fun" - BEST BUY "Let there be Fun!" - UpROAR <----- this one is definately the best "We've got all kinds of fun for you!!" "Dress you up in our Fun!" <-----both quotes came from this page which is just incredibly fun: http://www.houseoffun.com/fun/index.html DR FUN's chatroom: http://www.drfun.com/chat.htm <------- it even has a scary clown on it This is great: http://www.wesellfun.net I mean, could it get any better? There's even a sublisting "fun" under their sale item categories And I'll leave you with a final link: http://www.funology.com : the science of having FUN HAHA ok Clearly Im bored. Tomorrow is Halloween buZZZy. MMMMMM Raver BEe. ANd my SNUG INDUSTRIES pants finally arrived from CANADA so I can look hot 24/7 now. MMMMM pants with snaps and zippers. http://www.snugindustries.com has FUN clothing too!!!! |
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| Monday, October 29th, 2001 |
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After copious amounts of analyzation of the recurring realities in my life, something finally seems to have clicked. It's like I woke up and things are just how I wanted them to be, but I wasn't even trying to make them that way or planning on it. I guess this is just a big over simplification of everything I feel and wish to attain, but it will make me feel better at some point when things aren't so clear, to read this and know I have some kind of direction. Anyway, it kinda goes like this. I decided I'm not really unhappy with school stuffs. I like my major, I got all psyched this morning and even got forms to declare my concentration in design. I decided to take a winterterm class which only lasts a week but its like twelve hours a day. But hey, it's photography, so it will be more like a vacation than a class. Plus, I get to have the benefits of living up here for the winter (not having to live with parents, being able to do whatever the fuck I want to, and of course, being with my fiance haha. So like, I take this class, it's from 8:30-9:30 or something like that every night of the week (twelve hours) with an hour break in there for dinner. But it's only one week so I'm thinking it will be FUN. Anyway, I registered for it. And then, I even picked all my classes for next semester. I have to take this art history shit so I can apply for the porfolio entrance into my design classes, but besides that everything else is like a FUN class. I have printmaking and advanced ballet, and metal sculpture, computer graphics, adult psychopathology (which I obviously need to study), and perhaps a class on cognitive perception and mass communication. So I guess where I'm going with all this is that I have my design courses, it seems possible now to organize my schedule and see where I'm heading for once, and not have to take random BS classes that suck butt. And I get to take ballet, which is FUN. Today we pranced around and lept all over the room and it was joyously amusing. Also, I love psych and stuff and I might double major cause it seems to me that I can be almost finished with my design concentration by junior year, so maybe I'll do another major just for FUN. Clearly a crackhead. Oh and so I'm thinking if I have psych background and mass communication background, this will relate well to my graphics and stuffs cause then when I'm designing stuff in the real world, I understand how people think and look at stuff and will be able to create effect marketing devices for the mindless mass of consumers I'd be exploiting. HAHA Yea, I've probably thought about this too much, but it just seems that everything is fitting together right now so I go with it. And I finally figured out my art project. It's like gonna be all black and white checkered and deal with the evolution of prokaryotes up through birds, but I'm gonna use dinosaurs too since they're like related to birds and it's going to look cool as shit like something M.C. Escher would do but like in physical form. Anyway.....um....mmmm candy corn. Ya and this weekend was HUGE. I spent like mad amouts of time with Ron as usual but I finally figured something out. I know I have my reasons and I believe them and what not, but this is still probably gonna sound insane. I guess it's an explanation of my little commentary about hanging out with my fiance earlier in this entry. Ron, is like, absolutely perfect and always will be. Like, that's so easy to say, but this is the first time I actually believe it. I mean, its such a weird feeling when you realize that something is just permanently a part of your life. I can say without a DOUBT in my mind that I will want to be with him for the rest of my life. KNowing that, I told him I'd marry him. SO yea, wow. Girl who dates many and loves none, finds perfection with dinoboy. What a great newspaper heading that would be. I mean, I don't even care about anyone else anyway. Nothing matters except knowing that he'll be there with me forever. OMg that's so scary I must sound like a psycho. But it's like, even though I'm all psyched about all the stuff I already mentioned, none of it really matters. I'll get a degree and a job and move somewhere and live, and eat stuff, but none of that is what life is. Life is LOVE. Everything is love. I mean think about it. What makes people happy? Their jobs? Cars? Shit they own? I guess.....but think of like, what else is there that makes everything else dissapear? There is not one fucking thing that will do that besides being in love with someone. And even just knowing that isn't that big a deal, cause I imagine anyone who has been in love figures that one out. The huge thing, is when you find ONE wonderful yummy puffy person that you want to be with forever and ever and never leave or be away from and you're like WOW I have to make sure this doesn't go anywhere or I don't do anything stupid and fuck it up. But at the same time you kinda realize that you really can't do anything that bad since you're heart is theirs, and you'd never hurt them, and they feel the same way about you so you're like soooooo good and things can just be FUN. Ron is absolutely incredible. I did one of the most messed up relationship things this weekend and he didn't even act like a normal guy and apply it to himself and think it was him. He actually ACTUALLY understands whats wrong with me and why I'm weird and loves me despite all these things. And on top of that, he like cares about fixing me and making me happy. So like YAY. I fucking love him. I mean, I know I said stuff was good before, but like now I'm just convinced. Everything is what it is. It's been such a short time, but I would marry him in a second. I'm sure we will eventually do it too, just seeing the nature of our randomness and how neither of us ever stops anything that normal rationality would inhibit. MMMMMM Love. So yea, we went to a fun party and I wore a fun beeeeeee costume and my hair was fun green and yellow and Frank and Brad and Bobby dressed like that scary question mark man from T.V. "Thailand: A whole country that wants to have sex with you...... FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" Ya UM OMG I'm happy. Happy. Like real happy. Not like I figured something out happy, but like I have something that's incredible and not going anywhere happy. What fun. So yea, I'm marrying Ron. I love you sweetie. HOT DINOBOY 
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2001 |
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| I want to write something to express emotion. How poorly words convey this. The problem with feeling something so irrational as love, is that we will try to make sense of it by putting words to it. And in that, we betray our innermost feelings by covering them in small phrases of endearment, which in hindsight mean very little. I finally met my match. There really ARE some things that I am unable to write down. I think I'm going to have to give up and go with only what I can understand. There's really no need to extrapolate anything, anyway. I love you. Thats just how it is. Always has been, always will be. So like, eep. | ||||||||
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| never ever ever play the "lets rate people from 1-10 game" with your boyfriend. EVER | ||||
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| Sunday, October 21st, 2001 |
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So many things to say and where to begin. We'll start with the Chipotle bag: Side 1: I am merely dust taken away from inhibition all is revealed through the fortress the wisdom of cycles (pertains?) truth transcribed with feudal aggressions only through death, the soul cleanses weight a weight of hysteria, dulled by routine only to glimpse into madness, too fading to discover, reach A P O C O L Y P S E Side 2: want to die laying on puff trying to escape the pixie parade. Hysteria is maddening lesions escaping out. Seeping into myself this marker makes me sick Everything leads to the pixie parade. But for the millennium we are pixie parade. Transgress inhibition duckmoose I have no neurons left. RIIIIIIIIIGHT ok so yea that was a fun time to be had by all. I just have to say, please children, don't play with Kate. She will bite you just like this bunny. http://www.platinumgrit.com/poke.html Wednesday night-Sunday night= dinosaur fun ALL i CAN DO is smile simply too much to say can't even begin to begin maybe there is need to, maybe im content to just feel maybe i have only begun to feel mistress of rhetoric im speechless it's not the same it's not just another game it's the only thing which is real the only thing that ever has been forget what ive been through and what i might have said just think of where we're heading and how incredible where we already are, is think of me smiling and why i am and know that you're the only reason i'll never stop think of why i look at you and won't turn away and why im not sure what im supposed to be doing when you're not sitting here with me of how you've picked me up and i could never put you down its so easy to feel, and so hard to name words are rather meaningless there is more to be felt in actions love is not a definition love is a paradox in which two things remain separate while becoming one...... |
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LiveJournal for YUMMY PUFFY DINO GIRL OF FUN.
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