Hobble Skirt Goth Guy's LiveJournal

Subject:	More haunted house stories?
Time:	11:59 pm.
Mood:	quixotic.
Music:	Projekt sampler.

So I come back to the new place after work today, about to put the key in, when I realize the door is open. Not all the way, just slightly. Ooookaaay...I know I locked it when I left. Thought at first I was robbed, walk in. Everything is as I left it, except the basement door is open. Checked everything, seems to be OK. There was an empty paper bag in the kitchen, with a note saying something to the effect of

David,

Don't forget to give this back to me when you're done,

Molly

Now, there's a lot of crap in the kitchen from the move-in, but the bag doesn't look familiar, and I don't know a David or a Molly. WTF???

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Subject:	Get out of my head...
Time:	9:05 pm.
Mood:	angry.

Ever get so frustrated after an argument you just feel like the life force has been drained out of you, and all you can do is just sit there and try to shut off your brain... And the more you care about the person it occured with, the heavier the heart it afterwards.

So to you, the one I argued with today, I know you don't read this, but at least here I can actually get the words out without further damage:

I know you're having a shitty time with various people and situations...I understand, I sympathize, and I'm trying to help you out when you need it. This doesn't mean you can take our your anger or frustration on me. You're not the only person dealing with issues. So realize that releasing your negative energy on me will not help anything, because it will just breed more of it.

Don't say something you don't mean. You can claim you said it in the heat of the moment later and didn't mean it, I don't care. Say it and mean it, or don't say it if you don't want it to be taken for what it is.

The classic demagogue style is to assume a version of events/subject matter, decide it is fact, than dismiss all opposing viewpoints as wrong, and all attempts to point out the unfairness of this as drama or otherwise a sign of weakness. In reality, it is most likely that the truth is a compromise of the two accounts - so make an effort to compromise.

Finally, if you plan on continuing to repeat this, I'm removing myself from your life. I care about you, but not to the point where I'm unhappy because of it. And I cannot imagine you're happy with this either. I understand our conflic resolution styles are diagonally opposed - if this apparently means that conflicts cannot be resolved in a positive way, it's just not worth it.

Some things are just not worth the emotional pain.

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Time:	1:28 am.
Mood:	pensive.
Music:	Alan Parsons Project.

Got the digitals my friend took of me before Dracula's Ball, played with a one a bit in Photoshop as usual...

I'm as usual procrastinating with my packing - moving all the music equipment tomorrow, maybe some other stuff as well, which isn't packed yet. If not for having to wake up early tomorrow I'd be at Webster Hall right now for Zenwarp, for free, enjoying the open bar. Oh well. I'll go in a couple of weeks. Hopefully that party will still be going, given that goth night in the city, other than Batcave, go up and down more often than Lucent layoffs.

Speaking of which, my company's are coming up in a couple of weeks. Everyone is a bit of a wreck. I certainly don't know my fate. All I can do is do my work and hope our project isn't cancelled. It really hurts that the economy did sink because of 9/11...just like the people behind it hoped it would. It's so frustrating - unfortunately that's one of the traits of capitalism, and you just have to hope in its ability to right itself. It sucks to live with all the half-truths spouted by the media and the government, the governments I should say.

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Subject:	Tests...
Time:	10:20 pm.

Took the IQ test on www.psychtests.com, got a 152. What a waste. Got this evaluation:

You scored very high on this test. This indicates that your intellectual potential is significantly above average. If this outstanding ability is not reflected in your real life, you may want to consider examining other possible reasons as to why you might not be reaching your full potential (such as motivation, lack of stimulation, lack of ambitions, low self esteem etc.).

Soooo...which of these reasons could it be... So then I took the emotional IQ test, and got this eval:

Your Emotional IQ is in the average range. Not bad, but practically, this still means that you are not taking full advantage of your potential, whatever it might be. You might still experience some of the negative impacts of lower EIQ on all aspects on your life, from relationships (you might be sometimes viewed by others as an overly critical, inexpressive, inhibited, detached, cold, condescending, rigid, or blame-shifting person), to emotional health (you might be more prone to anxiety, depression, excessive guilt, aggressiveness, low self-concept, stress-related problems) to your motivation, creativity, ability to bounce back, resilience and persistence.

You seem to have mastered quite a bit of the theoretical knowledge necessary for the full development of your emotional intellect. The problem seems to be that you are not bringing the theory to your everyday life. The good news is that you can do something about it even if you are a mature grown-up. And you can start right away!

The overall score was 99 btw, right at the average of 100.

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Time:	9:15 pm.
Mood:	frustrated.
Music:	diary of dreams - 18 angels.

Damn I'm really frustrated...probably shouldn't be, but... Went to the new place to take photos of all the crap that needs to be fixed, got home, went to print it out, realized my friend that borrowed my digital forgot to return the USB wire...so now it's useless until I get it back. And I need to get that out to the landlord ASAP.

Had a four hour band practice session, ears still ringing...broke the skin on my finger again, I gotta stop doing that. Our guitar player offered me to play bass in his other band...their old bassist was very good, it's gonna be a bit of a challenge, but what the hell.

For whatever reasons I'm just feeling frustrated with things in general. Work is really starting to stress me out, I haven't had a vacation in a year, and not gonna have one for the rest of the year. I need a cat or some sort of a pet really bad...

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Time:	6:33 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	Wumpscut - Wreath of Barbs (mmm, yummy).

Figured I'd elaborate on that dream thing a bit, at least in terms of interpretation. I've always felt that just via laws of equilibrium, nature is bound to turn more deadly relative to humans, who have already turned more deadly towards nature. To me, that's at least part of the reason there are more natural disasters lately, more diseases, both among humans, and among the food that humans eat. We fucked up the environment pretty bad, it's only natural to expect some reprocussions.

The one thing that stuck in my head the most is the bird scene...it was really apocalyptical...you know, in dreams there usually is an event that signifies things aren't as they normally are...if you're adapt at lucid dreaming, that's the event that kick-starts the lucid dream. For the rest of us, it's the event after which we deem everything else that happens in the dream acceptable, as abnormal at it may be. The bird scene was that event. I felt that this was not normal, not right, that something supernatural and beyond my control was occuring. That's why I love dreams...in real life we fear that point, the point of no return in regards to your system of beliefs, the filter through which one deals with the world. Indeed, much of the inspiration behind fundemantist religious movements is a reaction to such events, a push to reject the onslaught of permanent change. Significant changes in history have always come at a bloody price, and no one should be surprised by it by now. So the dream was an interesting juxtoposition of nature, violence, and the instinctive fear of change in my head.

To get back to the bird scene...lately on my commute to work I'm seeing a lot of bird flocks. This is normal as this is their migratory period. But if you see one, take a look, particularly for the large flocks of smaller birds. It is a really amazing entity. No one bird controls the flock, yet the whole moves as if it was one creature, in uneven, jerky motions typical of animals. Scientists have been studying the flock behavior as a reflection of dynamic systems and chaos theory (for simulation examples check out pages like http://www.red3d.com/cwr/boids/applet/) - as well as other 'hive' behaviors by ants, bees, etc.

Too bad the only massively similar behavior of the Canadian Geese here in Jersey is to crap all over the place. (And they never leave!)

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Time:

7:03 am.

Damn I had an odd dream...the major theme seemed to involve finding out that animals, or really just nature in general, was hypnotizing humans - everyone was doing these odd things but felt perfectly satisfied that thy wanted to do them. There was some incredible imagery - a sky filled with millions of birds, creating this incredible hurrican-strength wind, then the oddly lit forest, with yellow glow mixing with violet shade...the whole dream felt both incredible and very scary...and it ended for some reason with me and two other people, the other two set on basically playing a group russian roulette - someone had to die - I couldn't understand why we had to do this, and tried to argue against it, to no avail. There were the numbers 47 and 18. Damn I really wish I could record dreams...this one was visually amazing - a lot of incredible nature scenes - like flying over forest bordering an ocean, etc. No lucidity though.

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Time:	7:44 pm.
Mood:	exhausted.
Music:	anja garbarek.

Holy crap Shampoo was crowded last night...just the line outside took half an hour. I mean I'm glad the scene is going well and there are so many people going to the party, but I don't like overcrowded clubs. It's hard to find room to dance, getting to the bar takes half an hour, etc. etc. bitch bitch bitch. Rasputina was great though, the girls are talented - wish whoever did the sound did a better job though. I'm glad the Ball is going back to the Troc - I always loved the large open area and the non-smoking rule :) Damn it felt good to take off the corset in the car...I nearly drove off the road trying to unlace it though - I decided I couldn't wait till I got home. And then I only got 4 hours of sleep, got up to run around like a ferret just out of its cage. Finally got home at 5, damn I'm tired. Today is officially first day of our lease, so I had to make sure the utilities are set, etc. Can't wait until we set up the basement for recording, but that probably won't be for two weeks at least. Hopefully with all the stuff together it'll be easier to practice/record/write than it is now in my Room of 1001 Wires. Work is getting crazy, plus they're laying off all kinds of people...shit always happens in heaps... I REALLY need a vacation, I haven't had one the whole year and probably won't. Argh.

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Time:	11:01 pm.
Mood:	gloomy.
Music:	FLA: Epitath.

So, we got more issues on the homefront with this terror crap... The antrax found in Jersey was only a few miles away from me...I'm not surprised if those involved live in this state, or even this area. I'm not convinced those doing it are the same as the bin Laden group - it just doesn't seem like their M.O. There's a lot of fear around here...we all have to deal with driving to the city and try not to think about the missing skyline. I'm not particularly happy with how we're handling everything, domestically and beyond the ocean. Not that there are any easy solutions, I just feel that we're falling into the trap originally intended by 9/11. The people in power here need to spend some time reading books like Karen Armstrong's exellent Battle for God, and comprehend more fully what they're dealing with. And I'm pretty disappointed with the propaganda we're pushing...you'd think with the most marketing-obsessed nation in the world we'd know how to sell something to a hesitant party...alas, we only know how to do that along material lines. My company is announcing layoffs in the thousands...now you see the weaknesses of capitalism.

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Time:	2:58 am.
Mood:	tired.
Music:	Silence, disc 3, track 5.

Just got back from seeing Nosferatu at the St. John's cathedral in the city. First, wow, that's a pretty impressive cathedral for America, usually you only see something of that scale in Europe. They did a nice job with the show, the movie (which is of course silent) was accompanied by a well-done organ score. If you've ever seen Nosferatu, watching it you can't help but treat it as a comedy...but it was fun. Afterwards they had a procession of 'ghouls' down between the aisles...the costumes were really well done...with everything, it was so weird to see all this inside basically a giant church...almost like we're just this far away from a satanic ritual ;) Definitely some visual ideas for a movie/music video.

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Time:

4:18 pm.

Mmm, sleep deprivation...got home at 4:30 this morning from the club, going out to the city tonight, gotta get up early for paintball tomorrow... I'm gonna have to learn how to sleep at work.

There was this great song in the industrial room last night...started out with this melodic, almost middle-eastern intro, then went into the more typical stompy rhythm...but the bass line was really cool...it used the vocals were very monotone and processed (computer-like), and I kept wanting a real vocal line to break in...I was trying to remember the bass line so I could go home and try to write a vocal melody to it, but, of course, I forgot it. Argh. Maybe the DJ will post the setlist though.

Looks like my friend is cancelling on me for Dracula's Ball on wednesday...so I guess I'm going alone. Debating if I should still go in corset and skirt...

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Time:

8:24 pm.

Aaarrrgh...sometimes the petty things that people do are so disproportionate in the pain that they cause to the catalysts behind them... Ugh...sometimes you have bad days I guess. Everyone is guilty of using a particular event as the bridge across which their anger and other negative energy, carried deep down, restrained but nurtured, charge across the moat of mutual respect between two people, storming the castle of the target with evil glee. But damn, why... No one minds the people around them being happy, or trying to be, as long as they're happy, but as soon as that changes...buy it can get ugly.

Sometimes maybe I'm just too romantic, too naive in my expectations...sometimes maybe just plain stupid. People are difficult creatures.

I dreamt of a great wall last night...a mile high, a cliff more than a wall...I don't remember what happened much, other than deep white fog, and the orange-brown earth covering the wall, cold and unemotional. Somehow, it's not too far from what I'm feeling right now.

I sometime wonder if the subconsiousness plays with the consciousness, gets it in trouble, forces it into stress, just enough to further nurture the probably-not-so-nice nature underneath. Easy enough to become a cycle. Or maybe the consiousness lets it, to allow us to do what we, were we fully aware, would never do. Maybe I should go read some Kierkegaard.

Going to a club tonight...gonna try to release some steam...for whatever that's worth.

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Time:	10:02 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	L'Amme Immortelle.

First words on a page are always the most difficult, but I gotta start this journal somehow. In Good Will Hunting JD Salinger, err, I mean William Forrester, had the right idea - when stuck, just use someone else's words and go on from there. Ever try writing a song without the thousands of lines of other people's lyrics in your head slithering in, crawling through your mind, bury beneath your consiousness until you look at the lines on the paper before you and grimly realize you have just ripped off another one of you musical idols. Nothing has been said that has not been said before, perhaps, but not everything said has been heard. That's one of the reasons the idea of this site was intriguing. After all what good is a journal if no one will read it. So now you must decide whether you will bare your soul before thousands of strangers, or will you curl up and hide. Or will you do both. Exposing yourself brings about a more intimate relationship with your lies - will you keep lying to yourself having to face the fact by sharing your lie across the wire, will you wrap yourself in new lies like the uniform of a team you never made, or will you strip them off, washing away the makeup exposing the imperfect skin beneath. I estimate that I, like many others, will unabashedly indulge in all three.

In this age of email, cell phones and short attention spans, our skills of expression and eloquency, indeed of literacy, are waning away, atrophying from a lack of use. I never enjoyed writing pages and pages of meaningless flowery discourse on the equally meaningless but immeasurably more flowery works of Foucault and the like in my college writing courses, but I now admit that my vocabulary, my power to evoke has been wasting, replaced by APIs and other useless information burned into my synaptic networks.

But actually the reason I've thought of this at all is lucid dreaming. If you ever had a lucid dream, I don't need to explain the exstasy of having control of your subconscious world. Alas, for me personally it is quite a rare and elusive event. One of the first things recommended to improve one's tendency to lucid dream is to write down everything that can be remembered about your dreams as soon as you wake up. One of the things this does is train you to recognize the patterns in your dreams, to get you to think about the differences in the two realities, allowing you to recognize a dream before you wake (for example, here's a simple rule in dreams - if you ever read something in a dream - a store sign, a book title, anything - read it again, and it will not be the same). So while I may not use this for lucid dream training, it's nevertheless a way to learn more about this reality.

Why do I suddenly want to talk to my old high-school English teacher... :)

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