|
|
Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
|
7:04 pm
I had a wisdom teeth experience Monday.
It wasn't overly fun. The best part was when they pricked my inner elbow, and as I was doing my best not to imagine the IV tube running into my arm, the dentist guy said 'that's the worst thing you'll remember'. And the next thing I knew I was miles away, being helped from the car and into the house. The most uncomfortable thing is the swelling of the jaws, but that's bearable. I currently have a heat pack wrapped to my face to reduce the swelling, and I also have a fever because I wasn't correctly ingesting the antibiotics. But I'm pretty alright, just drugged up all over and filled with chicken soup.
I felt this merited recording.
my mood:  high
my music: onelung - an unquiet moon (1 reflection | mirror gaze?)
|
Thursday, October 3rd, 2002
|
6:01 pm - As 'x' approaches 'c'
I think I'm becoming addicted to news.
My awareness of other people - or rather my need to conform - may be starting to become a serious psychological problem. For the past two days I've been getting somewhat depressed in school, and it seems to be because of this strange 'due' I feel towards everyone immediately around me. As soon as I'm aware of a certain person, my own image pops into my head for scrutiny. It doesn't seem to be coming so much from who the person is (and, from that, what they might think of a certain image of me) rather than from how much I might want their respect. It's really all very disgusting and I'm too emotionally drained when it's happening to properly analyse it.
I meditated a bit in an empty part of class, but couldn't get much done that way. If the problem is chakral, then it feels like my heart is trying to expel some feeling, or maybe it's plugged up. Of course, it could just be that there's a hormonal/chemical imbalance-trouble-thing and my annoying image-awareness is what mood swings are being pinned on. Calculus, too. I'm about four assignments behind (because derivatives are so much fun) and there's a chance of those assignments being taken up tomorrow. Mais ce que sera, sera. There's a two-weeks break in a few days and I want it very badly.
I hope no one's hurt near Louisiana.
my mood:  blah
my music: metallica (the good one) - nothing else matters (3 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Thursday, September 26th, 2002
|
5:11 pm
I have a desire to do this something which I also desire not to do. The desire for the doing of this something facilitates a certain tendency within me as well as possibly improves my person in a way I'd prefer as well as sates a responsibility I feel, but also is incredibly difficult to proceed with and frustrates. The desire for the not doing of this something facilitates the playing of fun-yet-somewhat-meaningless games that I want to play, but would improve no person and sate no responsibilities.
Hmm
my music: TNK - Journey to Micronesia (6 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Monday, September 23rd, 2002
|
3:20 am
I dreamt that the guy in GTA3 talked ^o.o^
He had kind of a higher-than-normal voice, and after talking he asked something about his voice, like 'does this voice make me sound' something. Then his subtitles were in different fonts for a bit.
my music: Rise FM (3 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Sunday, September 22nd, 2002
|
4:29 pm
There's this strange curse upon me where nothing I ever write gets completed.
my music: enya - pax deorum (5 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Thursday, September 19th, 2002
|
4:13 pm
Poll #61505: As 'x' approaches 0
Open to: friends, results viewable to: noneIf you could leave me with only a few parting words, what would they be? View Answers
|
Friday, September 13th, 2002
|
5:50 pm
Ohyeah, and I grabbed the top score on Orisinal.com's Chicken Wings.
(An entry denouncing pride, then an entry indulging it.)
(6 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
5:26 pm
This darned song was in my head all day. I got some new earplugs; these are more flesh-coloured and had instructions in french. I thought I had more to say.
Much conflict is born or continued out of pride. Even as obvious as it is, the trend continues. Whenever I imagine myself in an arguement with a stranger (because I'm far too cowardly to actually argue with such), I often include a concluding phrase along the lines of 'please...', or 'I'd be really appreciative if...', in a nice tone. It seems to me that this would convey more 'I'm not trying to win over you, I'd just like to get my way.' Like the teacher who got me to stand during the singing of the school's Alma Mater a few days ago.
Far too cowardly.
my music: Leviathan - Sojourn (4 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Thursday, September 12th, 2002
|
4:08 pm
Damnit: I lost a couple of nails today in a backpack-throwing accident and it's really messing up my typing. My left third finger is about .5 cm shorter than I need it, everytime I go for 's'.
my mood: handicapped
my music: erik satie- gymnopédies n°1 (5 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
|
4:28 pm
I'm not all about going to school tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have a decent black outfit to wear. I think I wore my black long-sleeved shirt Monday, so will wash it.
"And please wear red white and blue in honor of our country."
And please fuck yourself. I'm not trying to seem meaninglessly, bitter, but I'm scared and disgusted at the circus of ignorance that will be going on tomorrow. I can already hear the wave (independent) news as new stupid bills make their way up the Hill in 'honor of our nation's tragedy.'
Tragedy singular.
my mood: expatriate
my music: eclipse (from orbit) (2 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
|
4:17 pm
And we move on
and on.
my mood:  nostalgic
my music: final fantasy vii - orchestrated
|
4:42 am
Gahh sites dying memories fading too melancholy to move
my mood:  distressed (1 reflection | mirror gaze?)
|
12:49 am - Rest in peace, Crescent Dragoon
Change just keeps getting more and more depressing. It might be that I only notice the depressing changes, and view everything else as a personal triumph, but then again there isn't much lately to fall under that category.
I think my soundcard is dying, and maybe my 19" monitor as well. My favourite websites keep dropping off the face of the earth internet. I went through a four-day weekend without writing on any of my fics.
On the upside, I'm 1/8th through with the school year, doing perfectly in the CCNA course (*knock on wood knock on wood test tomorrow*), not failing Calculus (note implied 'yet'), writing on occasion, and keeping it real.
On the downside, I'm always afraid of something.
But this music reminds me of Thexder, so let me be soothed.
my mood:  morose
my music: Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata (2 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Friday, August 30th, 2002
|
4:17 pm
Writing is like sex.
I know very little about it.
my music: BT - Dreaming (3 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Tuesday, August 27th, 2002
|
5:18 pm
A group of people kick something at him as he sits at the waiting area doing his Calculus. They're laughing. Earlier, he thought he heard someone yell "chick" at him in the hallway.
He pushes his sunglasses closer to his eyes, trying to concentrate on the volume of a cylinder. The non-threat doesn't shake him visibly, but cylinders are far yet from his mind. He's not prideful so much as to let silly insults disturb him. Let them judge, he'd say; they're most likely wrong.
But the judging--the words, the laughter--show a clearer, more painful truth. The respect he once was felt is degrading, dropping, falling off. The distant curiosity passerby would show to a long-haired brooder with sleeves covering his hands (curiosity deepened if they happened to catch glance of the fingernails attached beneath) was all but lost. People could see him more than once in a school year; could see that, hey, he hasn't changed. That's not some occult disguise. Always, alone, and looks kind of feminine. He's not really threatening. Just weird.
Different.
Targetable.
He shifts the folds of his jeans leg to see the object which had been kicked at him. A double-A battery. It had been lying next to a brick column across from him. He's aware of all the others in the waiting area: eyes which might be watching, minds judging and reaching conclusions. He flicks the battery away with his exceptionally-long fingernails, and concentrates on πr².
my music: [ silence ] (8 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Friday, August 23rd, 2002
|
4:29 pm - The permanent edition is ultra-rare
LiveJournal
Trading Cards
Early Adopter Edition
|
 |
 koutetsu
User Number: 2426
Date Created:2000-05-01
Number of Posts: 550
|
| Like a friendly shadow on the wall, Koutetsu Saigo will be another name on a list until coming out to meet you. Ideas and good nature flow freely, at least until he finds reason to disappear again.
Just one piece of advice: don't count on him. |
| Strengths: An open mind, a sense for writing fiction and another for design, a quick ability to absorb that which he wishes to learn, long red hair, and compassion. |
| Weaknesses: Self-image awareness, strong antisocial tendencies, the ability to push friends away, and writer's block. |
| Special Skills: Can twirl a writing utensil much like Boris from Goldeneye. |
| Weapons: A small sheath knife. |
| (Latest) Theme Song: Enigma - Return to Innocence |
|
|
|
Make your own LiveJournal Trading Card!
Brought to you by crossfire_
(4 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Thursday, August 22nd, 2002
|
5:16 pm
'Everyone' is simply too strong a word for any to use without clauses for further specification.
my music: onelung - an unquiet moon (1 reflection | mirror gaze?)
|
Tuesday, August 20th, 2002
|
11:31 pm - Koutetsu's specification of someone's assertion that he doesn't remember
If Koutetsu has an essay to be done in x hours, the work W involved with that essay will expand accordingly to fill all x.
my music: DJ Shadow - What Does Your Soul Look Like 1 (mirror gaze?)
|
Friday, August 16th, 2002
|
3:17 am - Entrepreneurship Interview
I like my Economics class. It shows me a whole range of things that go on all the time, that even I participate in, and had never realised. It shows me how money can be made and how the free market works. It's an enjoyable class. Moreso because I'm taking Honours, so the students are fairly well-behaved because they want to be there.
But when the teacher told us to go find a business owner and interview them, I was offended. Learning: I can do. Meeting people: I can't. And I won't.
So, I'm taking the liberty of interviewing someone I'm already rather familiar with.
( Interview With God )
(8 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Tuesday, August 13th, 2002
|
3:13 am
It's truly a great feeling to realise that I've underestimated my writing ability.
my mood:  giddy (2 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Sunday, August 11th, 2002
|
10:36 pm - Shout out to all the people who'll be forgotten
Here we go.
(Yes, all of us. Yes, to our deaths. The trip there'll be the fun part.)
my mood:  touched
my music: Bill Douglas - Heaven in a Wild Flower (1 reflection | mirror gaze?)
|
5:12 am
School days are here again. Classes are finally filled mostly with things I want to learn.
(OT: I don't care.)
It seems a bit unsettling that such a phrase is used intransitively. I don't care. Means to say that I'm incapable of caring, or that emotions stopped reaching me back when all my family died in a plane crash that was replayed on TV hundreds of times. But practically, "I don't care about..." sounds redundant.
There are things I want to be writing, because I want to make sure my writing quality doesn't deteriorate further. I've recently found that there's more to storytelling than writing in a direction and hoping for the best. To avoid holes, and to have a progressing set of events, and sometimes even to continue the story at all, I need to plan. Planning in some cases means having to work around huge gaps that I'd created when I was writing without thought for the story's future or background. It's a problem that my ideas come when I'm already writing scenes and events. Like telling the taxi to just drive me around a bit so I can decide where I want to go.
Speaking of taxis, the Borgnine doesn't seem to have the same stability as the Taxi. It's a heck of a lot more fun than finding Rampages and Unique Jumps, though. As Wally put it, "There's nothing left that can't be done faster by a Gameshark." I can't play GTA3 at any reasonable distance from my screen because I need to be able to identify cars while flying past them.
School will likely seem faster once I find myself in the routine of it, but I'm feeling too existentialist. All writers are roleplayers, and all art is a game.
my music: Anders Akerheden - April Snow (3 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
|
11:23 pm
I wish Dragoon Lover wasn't down. I wish Soulseek wasn't down.
my music: onelung - an unquiet moon (mirror gaze?)
|
Thursday, August 1st, 2002
|
4:01 am - B2S 2k2
I suppose the reason I didn't dread returning to school as much last year was that I had just quit the band. That was a new and exciting prospect. The high school band is a time-sucking thing, and not always an enjoyable experience. It was interesting to imagine school without it, but now the thrill of having evenings and weekends to myself seems to have worn off. This year doesn't project quite the same promise of new and exciting discoveries. Some part of me thinks I'll be comforted when I get to the sports-field-ridden campus in a few hours and find that nothing's changed, but another part is dreading the fact that my junior year seemed longer in memory than it felt at the time. This year will be different in that the district is adopting something resembling a year-round schedule. Two-week breaks three times in the year, then a two-month break for summer. But I'm a senior, so graduation is a few weeks early. That's some comfort, I guess.
I have more doubts relating to my course schedule. I signed up for quite a few computerish courses, but most of them now require some Document Design course, which I'm sure I'll hate. My only real trouble is likely to come from English IV AP and Intro to Calc./Calculus. Maths can really slip by me if I'm having a stupid day, and this teacher's the same as with Alg. II Honours, which I very nearly failed. I'm sort of hoping to get plenty of computer lab time in which to get stuff done and pick up on some obligations, but I only recently remembered about the document-creating prerequisite class, which means that my computer classes aren't likely to come until the second semester. There will also be a short economics class, which I want, and a government (US) class, which I don't.
I thought my whining was going to end up with more of a point, but it hasn't. I need to find the motivation to write more. I also have something of a backache (for a bit of complaint spice), which shouldn't be surprising given the amount of time I spend in a chair.
my music: mv - empty (7 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002
|
12:58 pm
Whoever had the idea to put smoked bacon on a pizza should be made a king.
my mood: yumm (2 reflections | mirror gaze?)
|
|
|
|