| happy happy fun day |
[21 Apr 2002|11:31am] |
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wooooooo.
yesterday was uh.. yeah.
i got woken up at 10:30 by ernie yelling at me that it's 4/20 and we have to wake and bake so me, maura, ernie, and tara smoked our first joint of the day. then we decided that we were hungry so we got ready to go to the dining hall. the 4 of us walk outside and there is this HUGE tour about to go into my dorm. im just laughing my ass off the whole time because it's so obvious that we all just smoked. as we're walking past them maura coughs "four twenty" and then we just started laughing even more and everyone was staring at us. i was so paranoid in the dining hall. it was so crowded and that's just not fun for someone who is high.
so after we ate we came back and I went back to sleep. this is pretty much the pattern of the entire day.
I woke up again at around 1 and smoked some more. Then I watched Clueless with Tara. If you haven't watched that movie in awhile and then you just randomly decide to, you realize how much you missed it. You also realize that you know every single line.
Somewhere in the middle of the movie it turned 4:20 so we paused it and went to smoke again. Maura and Ernie were kind of annoying since they've been attached at the hip since he got up here Thursday night. Maura acts really different around him which I noticed even more when I was high.
After the movie we went to eat with Sarah, Jess, and their friend Sofie who was up for the weekend. The 3 of them don't smoke so I felt really really REALLY weird around them. If anyone knows what I'm talking about, when you're around people who don't smoke you feel like you're being judged the whole time. It's not fun. I was also paranoid again around the whole dining hall.
When we got back I watched a lot of the Real World Chicago marathon. I was hooked on it and I don't know why. I saw all the episodes already but I couldn't stop watching it. Then to my surprise my baby called! I didn't think I was going to hear from him until Sunday so that made me really happy. He was having a good day and it was so nice to hear from him.
Oh I forgot something. While we were watching the movie Tara decided to go downstairs to get something to drink so I gave her a dollar to get me peanut m&m;'s. A few minutes later she comes running upstairs to tell me that they got stuck while they were trying to fall out. So then I had to go downstairs and bang on it til they fell out, which they did, thank goodness.
I know Nick came in at one point and said I had to smoke with him but I don't think I ever did. We used his bowl for awhile though which was really cool of him.
I ended up falling asleep at around 10:00. I don't remember why but I got into bed and just passed the fuck out. I woke up again at around 1 in the morning and Maura and Ernie were still up so I chilled with them for a little while. Shawna was away but she came back to do her radio show that ended at 2am. When she got back at around 2:30-3 we talked to her for awhile and ended up smoking again with her at 4. We even woke up Tara for it and I thought she'd get mad but she was being really silly so it was fun. We kept talking about broccoli for some reason. I passed out again at around 5 and woke up at 10 this morning for some ungodly reason.
What a fucking awesome day.
Tonight is an Ani DiFranco concert that I can go to if I want but I don't know if I should since I have modern world tomorrow morning. decisions decisions...
moulin rouge is a scary movie when you're high.
I can't believe I'm not feeling like I need to just sleep in order to recover considering how much I smoked yesterday AND the night before yesterday. Damn i'm good.
I think I told Michael this whole explanation of our relationship compared to the world on an axis but I don't know why. I'm like him in that when I'm high, I come up with exciting theories that wouldn't normally make sense but to the stoner mind, it's like, genius. How silly.
Alright I'm going to eat now I love everybody and hope everyone had a good day yesterday who celebrated ;D
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2 lovers| show me love
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[19 Apr 2002|07:22pm] |
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today was rather interesting.
i played outside in the monsoon we had for those 8 some odd minutes. it was amazing. just running through the rain and letting it soak into my clothes and my hair and my shoes. it was so nice. i felt like i was 5 years old again.
i then proceeded to do a 4/20 dance on maura's bed singing along to hash pipe until she paid attention to me because when ernie's here, there is NO talking to maura without him being right up her ass. so ernie has weed and we're buying more from dave tonight. i have to go to the sub to get money and im making nick walk there with me. i think we're finally going to de-virginize jessica on the pot smoking. 'bout fucking time if you ask me.
im watching clueless tonight i'm soooo excited. "cher, that was a stop sign back there".. "like, i totally paused" hahaaaa great movie.
not this weekend but next weekend my sister is coming up with jordan and dara. i fucking love those 2 they're like my other 2 little sisters. i miss my sister to death i realized the other day. i'm so glad i have this like "friend relationship" if you will, with her. its pretty fucking cool.
alright i'm off to the sub to get my money and to get nick off his lazy ass.
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3 lovers| show me love
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| fuckin a |
[19 Apr 2002|12:12pm] |
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my birthday's in 5 days. its gonna be weird not being home but i think its gonna kick ass up here.
hell i wanna start smoking now. i think a pre-4/20 is a good idea no? i'm gonna convince ernie of it when he gets back from dunkin donuts.
i'm talking to ej right now. i think its funny that i've gone to school with him for an entire year and i only hung out with him once at the very beginning of the year. i guess its strange him being one of my ex's friends which is how i know him in the first place.. but since neither of us even talk to my ex anymore it shouldn't be that awkward.. we hung out after the one and only frat party i went to while at college and we were both drunk and i just sat at his desk and wrote my birthday on his calender apparently because he randomly mentioned to me just now that my birthday is next week and i'm like "and you know this how...." im a dumbass.. and that was back when danielle was still trying to be friends with me and she came with me that night. she was drunk too and was trying to get with ej the whole time and i was just laughing my ass off because he was giving me "help me" looks. that was a good night..
so i think i interrupted maura and ernie when i came back from math this morning. she told me that nothing was going to happen before he got here so i was just thinking alright im safe. so i come back and knock on the door first JUST IN CASE. and nobody says anything so i thought maybe they're still sleeping. so i try to go in and the door is locked. so then i'm like oh no.. so i knock one more time and if nobody said anything again, i would've just sat on the fucking couch and watched tv until they were done. but no, maura comes storming out of the room and goes into the bathroom and slams the door. i look into the room and ernie is laughing. so i was confused. i go into the bathroom and i'm like "what just happened" and she kept saying "nothing" the whole time and seemed pretty annoyed at me which yeah, i liked. so i go back into my room and i asked ernie what happened and he tells me i have impeccable timing. GREAT. so now it's my fault that i interrupted something that maura didn't even want to happen in the first place. if she had slept with him, it would've been bad because he's so in love with her and she doesn't know what she wants so it's better off if they dont do anything for now. but of course i'm the only one who sees that.
ej and i are still talking but we're making fun of my ex now.. its really amusing.
ernie is playing the guitar and asking me what to do about maura.. what in the hell do i tell him?
alright i'm out.. please still if anyone knows what happened on dawson's creek this week be a doll and tell me because i can't find it anywhere online or anything. thaaaaaaanks.
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2 lovers| show me love
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| and the day is saved! |
[18 Apr 2002|10:50am] |
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the fan STILL |
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So my test wasn't too horrific. We were allowed to bring an outline for the essay we had to write but since I didn't exactly understand the point of the essay, my outline was really vague and mostly out of my ass anyway so I'm not really expecting too stellar of a grade on it.
The room thing KICKED ASS. We got our 6 person suite in Deyo for next year. This is awesome for a few reasons : 1) Deyo is closer to classes than LeFevre so it won't be such a god damn hike for us next year. 2) There are no triples so it will definitely JUST be me, Tara, Jessica, Sarah, Dana, and Maura. (no freaky weirdos showing up AHEM danielle & lauren) 3) Christina and her suite are keeping the same suite they have this year which is on the 2nd floor in Deyo so we'll be right upstairs from them. 4) We got suite 311 which is cool all on its own. 5) I saw on the room form where the suites are all mapped out that my friend Jon who went to high school with me (the ONLY other person I know from high school that goes here) is living on our floor. So it is safe to say that next year is going to be hella fucking amazing i am SO happy.
Hate to still bitch about this but WHAT IS WITH THE WEATHER IN NEW YORK?! Hey, what happened to a little something called spring?? It's 90 degrees outside I'm dyyyyin. God forbid any of the class buildings have air conditioning. Hmm that reminds me. I keep checking to see the course availability for next semester because I'm not registering until next Thursday. I have to make sure all the classes I want are still open. I will throw myself a whole other party if I get my schedule that I planned with Cari. No friday classes, no class earlier than 10am and no class ending later than 4:45. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE let me get this schedule I will buy everyone ice cream.
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| i can never think of a subject anymore |
[18 Apr 2002|07:16am] |
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i have a modern world midterm in a little over an hour. i'm a tidge nervous for this i mean, i studied but i don't really feel like i know what i'm doing. i don't understand why there has to be a 2nd midterm when our final is in less than a month. grrrr stupid fucking curriculum thingie owpaythisgbsdagkj.
today is our meeting to get what dorm we live in next year. if we don't get our suite i dunno what we're going to do. a lot of the suites are taken already because people claim their same suite for the following year. we can't do that because the C room in our suite is a designated triple so bleh. i don't wanna end up living with straaaangers next year. that'd suck hardc0re.
anyhow, i missed the entire 100th episode celebration of dawson's creek because my wonderful boyfriend called me. he's about the only thing i'd put dawson's on hold for. that's love right there. so if anyone watched it please tell me what the hell happened k thanks.
alright i'm off to go study more.
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2 lovers| show me love
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[16 Apr 2002|07:41pm] |
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no doubt - don't speak |
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holy mother of mercy it was so damn hot today. i wanted to lay outside and MAYBE get some form of a tan but no.. i couldn't take any more than 45 minutes.. im such a wimp. however this weather lets me where my purty summery clothes which make me happy.
cari pretty much made my schedule for next semester today. thank god for that girl because i really had no clue what i needed to take or anything. looks like i'm an elementary education major with a minor in english thankyouverymuch. i'm actually kinda excited to take the english courses that are required for that minor. they're all like, creative writing and journalism type things which is fun to me.
they NEED to air condition my dorm. bottom line, they just have to. i don't care.
oh and here's something really sucky. since i got an 84 on the us history regents in high school, that means i have to take this extra history course because the cut off score so that you don't have to take the extra course is 80-fucking-5. wow i'm kicking myself.
and now for something truly ( disturbing )
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1 lover| show me love
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[14 Apr 2002|02:10pm] |
i've never worried or cared for another human being so much before. i just want to hold him in my arms and keep him safe just so i'd know that he is alright. but i guess it is impossible to completely protect another person. you have to trust and have faith that things will come together in the end.
i'm always telling myself "stop worrying, it's meant to be, so let it be". he's always reassuring me "don't worry so much, everything is fine". i can't help that it is in my nature to worry. i wish i could be care-free and just let all my feelings and emotions ride, but i don't know how.
the majority of people who i have truly cared for and felt something for in my life, have left me.. in some way or another. i've always found it in myself to get back up once i've been knocked down and give my heart out again to someone i'm sure i'll be able to trust. but, once it keeps happening that they leave, i start to only give out a piece of my heart at a time. i get nervous and anxious and all other kinds of negative feelings.
something about him told me it was okay.
i gave it all to him and trusted him. i do trust him. i have faith in us. i intend to hold on until it is virtually impossible for me to any longer. i need us. i need him. it hurts to breathe sometimes knowing that he is so far away. i feel the same hurt that he feels. the kind in your heart that stings and doesn't go away. that shoots through your arms and out your fingertips. and all you can do is lay there helpless, gripping onto the phone, trying to close your eyes and imagine that he's there with you. and it gets more difficult. daily, it gets harder to be together. but on the other hand, daily, my love for him only grows. every night i find myself longing to be with him more than i did the night before.
and i'll tell myself i can't.
i can't lay here alone. i can't cry to myself. i can't take the pain of being a world away from the one person i need. why i have to handle the 10 minute phone conversations a day when all i want is more. all i want is him. the past heart break and tears were all so that i could find my way to him. the fact that i can come to terms with that and stare it in the face shows me that i honestly love him. as innocent and as beautiful as love can be, that is what i feel for him.
i read his letters. i smile. i run my fingertip along the page where his writing is. over his name. nothing before has ever hurt but felt so good at the same time. love is painful, when it's love like this. but i find myself wanting more. i find that i wouldn't be able to live if i didn't have this. it is a challenge to live the way we do. but why would we do it to ourselves if we didn't know how the outcome would be?
when the world burns down and there is nothing left but strayed ashes, i'll look up and i know that i'll see you standing there with me. you know it too. i was put here to love you.
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[14 Apr 2002|01:11am] |
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i don't know what's gotten into my stomach but whatever it is doesn't wanna be there and is making me feel like complete shit. if i lay down, i wanna pass out because i get light headed and if i sit up i just get more nauceous.
tomorrow all day is this peer conference thing my freshman comp class has to go to. me and 3 other girls were supposed to do this presentation on native american rituals and since i haven't been in class too much i don't know what we're doing. i tried to reach them all day and nobody was around. one of the girls' roommates said she went home until monday so that's not so nice. we were told if we don't go to this thing we're going to fail. i don't know what to do and its 1:15 in the morning now.
michael said he wouldn't go out tonight so we could talk. i was so happy about that.. but i don't know where he is now. it's um, 10:15 where he is.. and when he left he said he was just going out to do some shit or something and he'd come online when he got back so i could call him but that was awhile ago. fuck i just want to talk to my boyfriend why is it such a hard thing? i didn't think it was but apparently i have to like, make appointments a week in advance or something to get him for one night. this sucks so hard.
i'm all alone in this suite tonight. i hate it. it freaks me out, which is another reason why i really wanted to be talking to michael.
i called my house today to ask my sister a question and my grandma answered the phone and i got so confused until i remembered that she was staying at my house for the weekend with my sister while my mom is at her hs reunion. so i talked to granny for awhile and we talked about poppy a little bit. she sounded like she was going to start crying and that made me want to cry so i tried to change the subject. my whole family is weird now i absolutely hate it. it's not going to be the same ever again and i'm not really sure how to be handling it. i don't really feel like i have very many people to talk to about it either which kinda sucks. dana understands the most i guess but i dont know..
michael where are you?
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3 lovers| show me love
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| favorite song.... |
[13 Apr 2002|07:00pm] |
I search your profile
for a translation
I study the conversation
like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap
come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking,
no, I'm not done looking yet
each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
if you won't give it to me
at least give me a better view
come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no,
I'm not done looking yet
I build each one of my songs
out of glass
so you can see me inside of them
I suppose
or you could just leave the image of me
in the backround, I guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed
I build each one of my days out of hope
and I give that hope your name
and I don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same
come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no, I'm not done looking yet
I seach your profile for a translation
I study the conversation like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap
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show me love
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| coooooode red |
[12 Apr 2002|05:00pm] |
somethin about mountain dew code red makes me really happy and hyper. i feel almost bubbly. hmm.
i'm alone in my room for the weekend cuz maura is off to a rugby tournament. michael, wanna stay with me for the weekend? heh heh ;D
today dana and i were bored so we took some pics.
( and here they are )
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6 lovers| show me love
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| tired tired always tired |
[11 Apr 2002|03:32pm] |
Beautiful day out today. I get to wear sandals again which always makes me happy. The smallest things in life give me a thrill I'm realizing. It doesn't take much to make me smile. On my campus there is this little bridge that goes over a pond and by the pond there are some rocks. Today walking over the bridge Tara and I noticed about 5 turtles just sitting on the rock and I thought it was the cutest thing for some reason. We just watched them for a little while and I wanted to pick one up and take it back to my room with me. I heart lil turtlies.
I am actually getting a lot of work and errands done today. Tara and I dropped off our room forms for next year along with Jess, Sarah, Dana, and Maura's. Tara has the lowest lottery number so she's gonna make an appointment once our forms have been looked over to see about what dorm we'll live in next semester. I'm so excited for next year. I'll be living with all my girls and I'll have a car up here. I'll feel so much more free and able to get out if I ever need to just be alone I can DRIVE! Driving is such good therapy for me. Just listening to music on the road makes me feel so good. We were talking about driving down to Florida for spring break next year. I AM SO EXCITED. My mom thought it was an awesome idea so that makes me happy. Road trip here I come.
I talked to my granny last night. She sounded good which made me feel a whole lot better after my shitacular day yesterday. Hearing that she's good makes me want to feel good and not so down and upset.
I actually have time now before spanish tonight to just chill. I may just take a nap oooooh.. the excitement!
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[10 Apr 2002|05:38pm] |
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today = shitty.
since i went to bed at 4:30 in the morning (thank you michael for making me go to sleep, i <3 you) and i had to wake up at 7:30 for modern world, i was just a tad bit exhausted. before we walked to class tara and i decided to eat and be like, 10 minutes late. that was a dumb idea because i got so sick from the food in our dining hall. as did a lot of other people today for some reason. gosh i heart college food, i really do. so i'm sitting in modern world half falling asleep, half ready to puke at any moment. my notes were like, flying off the page and i'd be writing reeeally tiny and all of a sudden really big because that's what happens when i try to take notes when i'm sleeping.
so i skipped math at 10 and came back here and just layed down. i thought i'd be ok to go to animal life at 12:30 but i really wasn't. so i didn't go to lunch and i didn't go to al. then i had english at 2 where i was supposed to be doing an oral presentation. but when i fell asleep, i didn't wake up until 1:45 and that was the most nauceous i'd felt all day so i didn't go to that either. good job luc.
BEST PART OF THE DAY :
I got to go to counseling at 3:30!! Gee, I love counseling almost as much as the food here. My mom really wanted me to go because I tend to keep everything I'm feeling inside and with what's happened in my family recently, it's been eating me away more than anything ever has and my going to classes and being motivated to do my work has suffered. So, when the lady called me last week she said that if I come in, she'll be able to talk to my teachers for me. So I went..
If anyone has ever gone to counseling then they know how awkward it feels to be sitting in a chair with this stranger sitting in front of you watching you unravel and trying to make it sound normal. I sat there bawling my eyes out because I couldn't hold it in anymore and she just sat there nodding her head telling me that because of my "coping style" i hold all my feelings in and when they finally do come out, they ALL come out at once and I get hysterical. Something I already knew kthanks. So after my fourth or fifth outburst I said to her "I don't want to do this anymore" and she respected that. I told her the names of my teachers and she's going to write a letter to them explaining what I'm going through and to be understanding if it seems like I'm struggling to get work in on time. However, I do have to go back for a second appointment 2 weeks from now to "check up". joy.
I never thought it would be so painful to talk about my grandfather. I hear his name and I want to curl up into a little ball and just hold myself and cry. I hate feeling so helpless.
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[09 Apr 2002|02:49pm] |
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I cannot stand when a person you haven't talked to in god knows how long decides to make an appearance in your life suddenly and throws shit in your face for not "mentioning them". WHY would I mention you if we never talk?? I'm sorry, but were you not the one who decided to walk out of my life back in September? You actually have the fucking nerve to try and make me feel guilty for not writing about you in my journal?? Why would I?! It is my journal and I take pride in my words. Took you off my friends list because I don't expect you to read it. I didn't think I was important enough to be in your "circle of girls" who you mention constantly when you've spoken one word to them. I don't care anymore. Felicity, Shelley, Basia, Corinne, COURTNEY, Colleen the list is fucking endless and you know what? I AM DONE CARING. I've stopped reading your shit, so do me a favor, and stop reading mine. Don't comment, don't IM me, don't TALK TO ME. I'm sick and tired of feeling sorry when that's all you want. All you want is for people to feel sorry and I'm sure you're going to go into a huge rant on what I'm writing here but hey, I hope you do. I hope I've finally effected you enough to because I never have in the past. I cannot believe you could basically say that you only read this to see if your name is mentioned and give me a guilt trip because IT'S NOT. and you know what, it will never be again.
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2 lovers| show me love
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| phones ALWAYS die, why? |
[09 Apr 2002|10:42am] |
Firstly, Michael : The phone ALWAYS dies at key moments in our conversations. Have you noticed that? What are they trying to tell us? ;D I love you baby.
I woke up this morning again, because of the lovely workers outside drilling into the sidewalk right by my dorm. So, to them I say, FUCK YOU ASSHOLES CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP SINCE I DON'T HAVE CLASS UNTIL 5:00?! Seriously, they HAVE to drill at 9 in the morning??
We finally got our rooming for next year situation decided. It only took us like, 2 months to figure it out. That's what they get for trying to have 7 strong opinionated girls figure something like this out. I'm living in a suite, like the one I live in now. Tara and I are going to be roommates, Maura and Dana are going to be roommates (THAT will be interesting), and Sarah and Jess are roommates. Shawna decided she was going to live in a different dorm with people who work at the radio station with her. I think that's for the best anyway because she doesn't like Dana very much but there was no way I was going to let Dana live in Esopus again next year. We can't stand the people who live in that dorm with her. I am going to have a crazy suite next year now that I'm thinking about it.. Oh dear..
Boys : go here and tell me if all that is true because I think for the most part it is, but some of that stuff is just mean! and if it is true, then you all are good at humoring us girls. *props*
alright I'm gonna attempt to get some more sleep before I go eat.
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2 lovers| show me love
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| i wanna ride it alll niiiiight long |
[07 Apr 2002|09:13pm] |
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ani difranco - overlap |
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For some reason I have that song "Life is a Highway" in my head and it just won't leave. How does that happen?
Today was strange, but pretty good at that. I woke up and thought it was an hour earlier than it really was. Damnit all. To my surprise, michael called this morning. So much for waiting that week. He said he missed me and I couldn't help but tell him how much I missed him and loved him and everything. We threw all our plans out the window and decided to stay together no matter what. I really thought we weren't going to talk for this week but I'm so soo glad he called. It was good to talk again like we always do. It's impossible I think for us to remain in a weird stage for too long. We always find our way back to each other. I love us, and I love him more than anything.
I actually sat down and wrote my english paper that was really due last week but I got an extension. I'm so proud of myself. Whenever I try to get some work done lately I start to think about other things and I just cannot focus for the life of me. But I got my shit in order and wrote about random acts of kindness like a good little freshman composition student.
Something happened before that really confuses me but all I know is I did something wrong and I feel awful for it. I was talking to my friend and I made a comment which I thought was funny and I was sure she'd laugh at it but instead, it just made her think in a different way and now she's all depressed. She keeps saying it's not my fault and I did nothing wrong but like, how am I not supposed to feel bad for making one of my best friends hate themselves? She asked me to guess what she was going to do that makes her really really happy and that I shouldn't laugh at her for it. So I was like "its either something having to do with your bathroom or wal-mart" because she went to wal-mart the other day and we were making fun of it and she just got a new bathroom so I guessed that. Instead of laughing at it, she then got this idea in her head that her life is basically meaningless. I had no idea that saying that would make her feel that way and I wish I could just take back the whole damn thing.
bleh.
An amazing song is "Overlap" by Ani DiFranco. Everyone should listen to it. NOW, because I say so. kthanks.
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6 lovers| show me love
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| holy mother of mercy |
[06 Apr 2002|11:56pm] |
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maybe i'm just very much a girl, but the movie "joy ride" scared the mother fucking shit out of me. i swear i never screamed so much during a movie. and also, this turning the clock forward confuses me. k 'night.
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[06 Apr 2002|06:43pm] |
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sister hazel - hard to say |
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i have had a mad exciting day of doing laundry and working out. wooo yeah! good thing im eating chinese food tonight :x bleh..
i truly heart my girls here at school and jessh.. they've been so great i can't express it enough.
last night was fucking crazy.. i have not been that drunk in way too long, and in a public place at that.. maura was amazing though at the open mic. i was so proud 'a her! however walking back to the dorm was not so fun when i felt like i was going to puke at any given moment but all in all.. good night. thumbs up.
tonight calls for some more drinking.. yes yes it does. can't wait. i talked to my mom today. i think she's thinking about marrying andy. i'm kinda happy about that because i was worried about when my sister goes off to college and she'd be alone in the house. but andy is a good guy so he gets my approval. i had a crazy dream last night involving my grandfather not being dead anymore but being not the same person and ugh.. it was just not a good dream.
i passed out at around 2am last night but then woke up at 3:30ish when Michael called. *sigh* i don't feel like getting into that talk because 1) i was really not so sober for the most part and neither was he.. 2) it was a loooong talk.. i didnt get back into bed until around 7am. basically.. we're not talking for this week in order for the both of us to think seriously how we can make our relationship work with this distance without the influence of each other. i know its for the best because for me, if i'm thinking like we can't be together and then i hear him say he loves me, all my previous thoughts just fall away.. god i love him so much.. i really need to think.. i need to make this work, somehow.. i'm afraid it might mean us not being together for now (now meaning like, 3 years or something)... because i KNOW in my heart i'm supposed to be with him for life. and he knows it too. i'm just.. yeah, i could ramble about this forever. im gonna try my best not to mention it this week if i decide to post at all.
i need to get in the shower.. adios.
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[06 Apr 2002|10:05am] |
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i don't feel like typing what's really going on right now so here's a song to describe exactly how I'm feeling :
love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes
love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive
and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
8 months ago today you said these words to me that you said again last night.. "you'll be my lucie, and i'll be your mikey"..i wish i knew what was ahead of me.. i wish i knew i'd have some security.. but now i don't anymore, and it's scary. i'll try to hold on but now everything has been turned upside down. just let us work this out let it be alright. heh.. and all i ever wanted was you.... who knew it would be this hard...
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4 lovers| show me love
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| a good day was to be had for quite awhile |
[05 Apr 2002|07:16pm] |
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maura playin her gee-tar |
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I just want to say that my day today was SO good.
It started out kind of ick this morning.. I got that comment from Michael and it worried me.. not knowing what this "stuff" he has to explain to me is. That maybe it's just about what's been going on with him and everything or maybe it's about us. I really hope everything is ok with us, I don't want to lose him. I don't know what could've happened to make him not sure of wanting to be with me anymore but still.. yeah I'm just putting my trust and faith in him that things will be okay.
So, I met Dana and went to math for this quiz that I was SURE i was going to fail. I felt like I didn't know the material at all and was really stressing over it. But we get the quiz and it's only 3 questions on volume, NOT surface area which is what I really don't have a clue in hell how to do. So I KICKED ASS and got 100. *happy dance*
After math I went back to Dana's room instead of usually coming back to mine cuz yeah.. I dunno but I just did and it was silly. I looked at her high school yearbook and found out that I know SO many people she went to high school with from when I lived in Queens... and those people lived there too but then moved to Long Island like I eventually did. I guess that's like a rule or something. We went to eat and met Tara and then we all came back here and did gymnastics in the hallway. Yeah I don't know.... but it attracted attention and people thought we were crazy.
Then Tara and I went over to Sarah and Jess's.. Sarah was crying cuz she didn't get the RA job for next year so it's a good thing we went over. I felt really bad for her she wanted that soo badly. But that just means that we can get a big suite next year and all of us can live together which is going to r0ck.
Tonight we're going to see Maura play at an open mic I'm sooo 'cited. Also the fact that we're gonna be a little tipsy makes me happy. Heh.. alright I'm gonna go get dressed and stuff.
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[04 Apr 2002|03:39pm] |
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i just took a nice nap. i was hoping michael would call or something to wake me up before my annoying as hell alarm clock went off, but that didn't happen.
he's really been MIA lately.. i'm wondering if it's because of something I did. I didn't mind at first but it would kinda be nice to talk to my boyfriend for more than 5 minutes a day. I can't help but wonder if something is going on and I just don't know it yet.. what could I have possibly done to make him be so distant to me?
It's strange.. because last week, he would type in his journal everyday about how much he loves me and how it hurts that we're so far apart. But this week, he's barely talked to me and I guess he's fine with it because he could call me if he wanted to.. and yesterday when I spoke to him, I even told him I needed to talk to him and it was really important to me that he called later.. and he just didn't..
Maybe he doesn't even realize how much he's hurting me by doing this but thinks it'll be okay either way because I "always put up with him". Well, I don't want to be putting up anymore if it means that I hardly get to speak to him. What kind of relationship is this? Seriously I feel like if I went out anywhere and he didn't know where I was, he'd be upset because that's happened like, once or twice. But this entire week I've had no clue where he's been but that's just supposed to be fine?
I'm not even saying I need to know where he is. He's his own person.. I would just like to talk to him once in awhile.. I didn't think that was too much to ask for. He probably won't even call me today.. if he hasn't called yet. Great.. and what I needed him about I don't even want to talk about anymore. I really miss him but I'm so hurt that he disregarded me yesterday. If he ever told me he needed me I'd be there no questions asked.. I wish I knew what was going on..
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6 lovers| show me love
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