Jordaan's LiveJournal Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Jordaan [ website | silvergrin.net ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[18 Mar 2002|03:44pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | soft cell - tainted love ] tainted love ooooh. touch me baby tainted love. today was just so annoying. i didn't sleep at all last night so i drank a few cups of coffee before school but i was still dead tired because i only slept 2 hours on saturday. i watched the breakfast club and i really like it. i also really like a life less ordinary. kevin looked really nice today. didn't talk to me though. derek's new haircut looks bad. amanda pisses me off with her comments about everyone being a 'homo' and a 'fag' and 'liking men'. god just shut up. i don't want to go to school anymore. i should just drop out. ahh i'm not in a bad mood. i'm just sleepy and cranky and hungry and lonely. you know, usual jordaan symptons. i'm listening to the promise ring now. today danna asked me if i listen to any 'normal' music. i was like 'yeah..' happiness is all the rage. okay and now i am listening to and you will know us by the trail of the dead. i don't really have anything to talk about. i like jake. [x] 4 songs | sing me to sleep

[17 Mar 2002|01:59am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | joni mitchell - big yellow taxi ] the world is an icicle. and you are a sun turning it into an ocean. for us to swim in. like nothing else matters. i play my guitar (if you want to call it 'playing'). your eyes are like wine as you look back at me. and smile. the world is yours today. i am yours today. 1 song | sing me to sleep

[15 Mar 2002|04:16pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | kind of like spitting - please don't let it end like this ] hmm i don't really know why i'm writing an entry because nothing interesting has happened to me at all. i went to tori's last night and that's the most i've done all week. really it was a waste of a spring break. i really wish i could have flown a kite or climbed trees or went for a walk with someone. little things. just something. instead, i sat around all week and felt sorry for myself. i really am getting good at that. "you were uncomfortable.. in your own skin. you were thirsty, but mostly - you were beautiful." i'm not even listening to alanis but it's kind of stuck in my head. 3 songs | sing me to sleep

[13 Mar 2002|04:29pm] [ mood | rejected ] [ music | red house painters - drop ] alana gives me the best music to download. heart her. i feel like i'm gonna cry. ugh. no but i won't let myself. jake won't answer me (again). i wish he'd just tell me he doesn't like me. it'd make this easier. even if he's in a bad mood and doesn't feel like talking, why doesn't he put up an away message? or.. tell me that he doesn't feel like talking? i should just shut up i don't even know him. he just signed off. got a digicam/webcam thing. been a little bit picture happy. my feet are cold. hayley is funny. wish i could go see her. can't. wish i could see alana again. can't. wish i could go see janel.. emily. can't. what a waste of a spring break. 4 songs | sing me to sleep

[08 Mar 2002|04:43pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | afi - morning star ] Grab the tissues, you're Dashboard Confessional. To put it bluntly, you need to dry up and get over that long lost love! You're seriously driven by lust and you'll be whiny if you don't get what you want.. which is most of the time, ya wimp. So which BAND are YOU? hmm. i'm dashboard confessional. the dentists hurt my teeth today. but, i found out how to play cds for people through aim. how cool am i. yeah. i don't feel like going on about stuff right now. -shrug- [x] 7 songs | sing me to sleep

[05 Mar 2002|03:18pm] [ mood | yellow ] [ music | moody blues - nights in white satin ] today was simple. one of those days where you just keep falling asleep and the next minute, you're bursting with energy. it was a typical day. muchly expected. in music i stuck 'special' stickers.. all over me. it was fun. i feel kind of sick. weightless, or something. someone insulted the smiths today! oh i was mad at them. but this girl knew who thursday was and we listened to 'paris in flames'. and this bisexual girl, donna, was talking to me a lot today too. and sam wore fishnet. and i missed queer as folk last night. but sam and tori filled me in. and i still feel yellow. but that's not all bad. and i love you, yes i love you oh how i love you. 2 songs | sing me to sleep

[04 Mar 2002|01:42am] [ mood | yellow ] [ music | ride - vapour trail (playing in my head) ] it's about 1:30 am and i just finished 'the perks of being a wallflower'. i'm crying. and i feel very hollow. and i feel confused. and i feel infinite. i noticed little things in it that janel does now. like the fact that she's going to buy her mom a present on her birthday. i think i will too. now that i've read it, i want to talk to emily about why she 'hated the ending' at first. i don't know if i can really describe how that book made me feel. i know.. it's a book and i shouldn't be upset, but i am. i was depressed already, in a happy kind of way (if that makes sense to you), and now i'm just.. i don't know. it was a wonderful book. and i related to a lot of it. and i don't know why it's making me so sad. i hope you all ignore this entry because i don't know what it means, but i felt like writing it. jake told me he has a crush on me. and i like him a lot, too. which pisses me off because i think i come off as a freak to him. i am a freak, but i mean the bad kind.. something. i just like him.. a lot. today i listened to my old cds and mp3s and attempted to make a mixed tape for emily but my cd/tape recorder/player is horrible and that didn't go over well. i even listened to the new radicals and my favourite song from when i was 8 or so.. 'you get what you give'. and it wasn't like 'oh, i was such an idiot back then'. i was trying to analyse why i liked it. i don't usually do that. even with my recent music. i finally bought my book. and janel told me that i might carry it around with me like she does. and i'm going to. i also bought the first weezer cd but haven't listened to it yet. i got my cd burner today too, and burned a cd and called it "yellow songs" because i think the only way to describe how i feel is yellow. that's not really an emotion, but that's how i feel. yellow. and not because i feel 'bright', i just feel yellow. i don't know. it's hard to explain. for some reason, i feel like i'm going to die tonight and i won't have said i love you to the people i never even got to hug. i'm not going to die tonight but i feel like i just won't see you again. i don't know what's wrong with me. but i love you. and maybe one day you'll all know what feeling yellow is like (although i don't want you to, because it really is a weird feeling). i think it's worse than 'blue'. because it's such a confusing 'emotion'. and i don't even want to try to explain it because (insert a reason here). i can't believe i have school tomorrow. that just doesn't feel real. i don't feel like i exist. what if i'm just a book that someone's reading and carrying around with them because they love it so much and are writing an entry about and crying over? that was a really long run-on sentence. i miss being 5 years old and making tapes with sandi and us going to the store every day to get candy and not worrying about homework because we never really had any or death because i hadn't experienced it yet (i did when i was 6) and i would always listen to my cds and my friends would tell me it was crap and i'd watch my cartoons with my mom ever morning in her bed. i don't want to apologize for this entry, because i'm not sorry for feeling this way. if i get any 'i know how you feel's, i don't think i'll talk to that person anymore. because you don't. i'm sure you know depression or maybe you felt connected to the book too or maybe your cd/tape recorder/player is being stupid too but you don't know what being yellow feels like. i love you. goodnight. [x] 10 songs | sing me to sleep

[02 Mar 2002|05:34pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | onelinedrawing - pollyanna ] Top 5 bands people should give a listen: 01. the weakerthans 02. radiohead 03. placebo 04. the smiths 05. nine inch nails Top 5 things that turn you on about people: 01. musical taste 02. the way they carry themselves 03. quirks 04. a happy medium attitude between pessimism and optimism 05. sincerity Top 5 movies you watch all of the time: 01. beautiful thing 02. being john malkovich 03. mallrats 04. a clockwork orange 05. trainspotting Top 5 Songs of the moment: 01. onelinedrawing - pollyanna 02. bright eyes - difference in the shades 03. modest mouse - trailer trash 04. cap'n jazz - oh messy life 05. the weakerthans - everything must go! Top 5 things people should know about you: 01. i'm not gothic 02. i'm gay 03. i'm lonely 04. i write on everything (walls, notes, myself) 05. sometimes i shower 3 times a day, especially in the winter when i miss the rain Top 5 things on your desk right now: 01. my new pen 02. safety pins 03. janel's birthday present 04. a chinese yoyo 05. pictures from my trip Top 5 things you say the most: 01. "you're so pretty" 02. "hmm" 03. "fucking a" 04. "yes" 05. "yay!" Top 5 things you do not understand about your own sex: 01. um. everything? 02. their insecurities about sexuality 03. their arrogance 04. their pride 05. their man-li-ness (oh dear god) 2 songs | sing me to sleep

[01 Mar 2002|07:55pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | bright eyes - difference in the shades ] oh jordaan. get over yourself. today was okay. wrote my geography test at lunch. i think i passed. handed in my math homework for once. still very annoyed with everyone there. but i guess i'm a good actor because they have no idea i hate them so much (excluding tori and a few others). i tried talking to kadie on the bus and she didn't really say much to me. i hate drifting. kevin didn't talk to me again walking home today. but cole um, answered a question for me? yeah.. i asked if he knew where tori was. and he did. going to chapters tomorrow to pick up 'the perks of being a wallflower' finally. yay for that. my eyebrow ring feels weird. it has for a few days. i took it out and cleaned the inside and it was all red and err.. the empty holes look gross but they always have because mine are always really um. well they're like darker than the rest of my skin (reddish but not in a like.. eww it's infected kind of way, just other people's aren't as noticeable) and yeah. hmm. i think i might just take it out. it doesn't feel like it looks good anymore. crushes.. suck. i need to stop having them. oh and i mentioned to jeremy today that i like 5 people and he didn't seem weird. he even asked who. of course.. he's not included in that list. he's just pretty. ha. i'm a whore. but these are days we dream about // when the sunlight paints us gold // and this apartment could not be prettier // as we dance up there alone // and this tv's old, the colour's fucked // you see the difference in the shades // but the green's still close to green, my love // and i believe we are the same. [x] 1 song | sing me to sleep

[28 Feb 2002|11:40am] have you ever been honest? no. really. goddamnit. i hate being and school and i'm learning more and more that there are more reasons than the obvious. there are a total of 2 people in this whole school who understand the fact that i'm gay. tori and sam. and i don't even think they completely understand, but at least they do a little bit. for example, amanda is fine with me being gay but has 'matt likes men!' written on her binder several times. i asked her what was so funny about that and she said 'because it's matt!'. oh. yeah. i get it now. and i remember she used to 'understand' how guys were assholes because they all thought i was going to hit on them but she's all 'afraid' of this bisexual girl in our geography class. what the fuck? and they all call everyone faggots and queers as if it's funny. it's not fucking funny. cole is in the room again. it's not just amanda. it's everyone. they say they understand and then they start talking about how hilarious it is when two guys have sex. or fucking anything. cole doesn't even talk to me anymore. he hangs out with kevin sullivan all the time now. i don't even see what they have in common. cole and i used to have these deep talks and seconds later we'd be all hyper. it was great. past motherfucking tense. i'm not sad. i'm not sad. no i refuse to be fucking sad. i want to go home and cry. goddamn i hope i can pass high school means nothing --modest mouse 6 songs | sing me to sleep

[27 Feb 2002|07:34pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | the notwist - one with the freaks ] i think i like too many people. and it's probably just because i want someone so bad that anyone who has anything in common with me, i suddenly feel like hugging. and it's not like i even can. i feel like i'm trying not to cry. but this isn't a new feel. i knew i shouldn't have tried to ignore it. yes, i am happy. i just wish i could be happier. and i wish my friends didn't live so far away. and i wish all those bois that think i'm so wonderful didn't live so far away. i feel like i'm trapped here. i don't even know how to explain it. because if someone says 'i know how you feel', i don't think i'll believe you. because i don't think i know how i feel. "it's just one of those days!" all of my friends complain to me. every day. 'i miss my boyfriend,' 'i want a boyfriend,' 'i wish someone cared,' 'i'm tired,'.. i don't want to be like that. so ignore me every time i do this. please. i think what really gets to me is that 98% of the people i know have had someone at one point in their life. and i have friends and that should be enough for me but i'm fucking selfish and it's just not. i'm not the only one who's never been with anybody, but.. it just pisses me off when people tell me every day how 'beautiful' i am and i'm still alone. he gives a sigh. 5 songs | sing me to sleep

yeah yeah yeah yeah but it just left me dead! [27 Feb 2002|11:39am] i'm at school. and well. school fucking sucks. cole is in the same room as me. but he waved today. first time he's said 'hi' in a long time. guess i deserve it though. fucking a. i annoy myself. have you ever, have you ever.. been honest? oh, have you ever? have you ever? i like that song. the notwists - 'one with the freaks'. 'tis stuck in my head. i've also got 'please' but nine inch nails stuck in there, too. it's switching back and forth or something. yeah. don't ask why i felt like updating. but i like using the school computers because i can actually see the pretty scrollbars on diaries/websites. i want to put one so i'll just steal it from my diary. argh, i need to get the new internet explorer. oh well! i'm off. don't know what i'm going to DO but i'm off. 1 song | sing me to sleep

[24 Feb 2002|12:35am] [ mood | creative ] [ music | the weakerthans - watermark ] okay. it's official. i hate school and every goddamn thing it stands for. i wish on monday, instead of going to school, i could paint. i don't know what i'd paint or what colours to use but i want to do anything but go to school. it's not that i don't like learning. but sitting in a class all day doesn't teach me anything. and i don't care what the population of some little town in africa is. and i don't care what the annual rainfall is in idaho. and i don't care how to say "jane likes to read" in french. and i don't fucking care about fractions. does that make a bad person? does it really? i'm in an amazing mood. of course, the last paragraph really doesn't make it seem that way but i am. i'm just sick of school. but there's nothing i can do about that. i went away last week. to maryland. and i saw alex and alana. and my god, it really was awesome. alex gave me pants! how awesome is that? and yeah, we basically sat in her room and talked but it was cool because it wasn't a fucking instant message, you know? and alana's room was just covered with awesome stuff. i didn't take enough pictures of alex, dammit. but oh well.. i can't go back and fix that now. i'm inspired by everything i saw. i've been writing the kind of way i always wished i could. and today i cut out people's smiles from pictures and taped them on my wireless notebook. i haven't done that kind of stuff in a long time because i was in a state where i just hated doing.. anything. of course, i just don't wanna do my homework. it's easy, i just have a hard time concentrating on it because it bores me to death and i don't feel like i'm learning. oh well.. i can't really change the way the entire world thinks about schooling, now can i? this boi is pretty. don't you agree? even if you don't, nod along. because he is. when alana sends me the pictures we took with her webcam, i'm going to change my icon-thing. i'm kind of sick of the one i have. i wish i had something to be excited about. a reason to get out of bed in morning. i mean. what kind of a motivation is it to wake up and think "i'm going to sit and listen to droaning for six hours today"? that just makes me want to sleep all day. and i don't want to waste my life sleeping, or going to school, or being online all the freakin' time. i want to do something. emily and i were on the phone tonight for about 2 and a half hours. that was nice. i like long telephone conversations. she heard my "real" laugh. i'm surprised she didn't die laughing herself. this boi thinks i'm pretty. he addresses me as "pretty.boi" in his e-mails to me. what do you think? i think he's cute. in a punkrock kinda way. if you're wondering what's on his face.. it's makeup. i'm going to stop writing now. because julie, emily and caitie are on. and i want to talk to them. goodnight. [x] 4 songs | sing me to sleep

[09 Feb 2002|12:17am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner ] Well.. fuck. Today was good. Today was very good. Actually, not a lot really.. happened. But, today was good. My site is now up. Go see it now! Click. But well.. Janel's been in this really good mood lately and I just fucked that up.. and tomorrow she's seeing Nick and er. I hope she's okay.. she got offline. But uh. Yeah. So I'm good but I'm bad. I'm using capitals. This is weird. ..Yeah. I have Photoshop.. yayy. I miss Janel. x 4 songs | sing me to sleep

[30 Jan 2002|01:16am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Dandy Warhols - I Love You ] You answered all questions in a gay way. You must be gay. If not, you are extremely okay with gay people. To take the quiz yourself, click here now! wow! an intelligent quiz. what next? Take the What animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz ::dies laughing:: 3 songs | sing me to sleep

[30 Jan 2002|12:54am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Garbage - As Heaven Is Wide ] Just stuffed full of surprises. No one ever knows what you're going to do next. The greatest mystery to you is, naturally, "how do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bars?" When the term "slacker" was coined, they must have had Trent in mind. Trent spends most of his time playing guitar in, and writing songs for, his band. Take The Mu$ic Biz Whore Test yeah, i'm bored. sing me to sleep

[30 Jan 2002|12:28am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | The Cranberries - I Just Shot John Lennon ] you are brian kinney! Whether in the boardroom, the bedroom or the backroom, this hot, heartbreaking ad exec tells it like it is…no apologies, no regrets. Although his three favorite hobbies are sex, sex and sex, he is also a man who is always there when his friends need him… although he isn't always going to be nice about it. find your queer as folk personality! sing me to sleep

[28 Jan 2002|11:19pm] [ mood | moody ] [ music | Tiffany Raines - Song For Rob ] i feel like writing. but i don't feel like writing anything someone's going to read. but since.. more people read my tod than they do this i'm writing here. today has been the weirdest day of my goddamn life. i woke up and went to write my science exam. it was 16 pages and i know that i either failed or barely passed. i'm scared. i don't give a shit about school, usually. but i'm scared. i'm scared, and i come home and all i can think about is how much of a fucking failure i am. so i sit around on the computer for hours. janel signs on.. oh, around one. my mood kind of shoots up. i don't know why i was so happy to see her. i saw her the day before so it wasn't like i hadn't talked to her for months. no, but this time i was so incredibly happy to see her. after a while, she had to go so.. she did. so i went and had a shower. cried in the shower. got out of the shower and felt sorry for myself. came back to the computer and who was on? mark. my mood skyrockets. i missed this boi so much. he makes me feel like.. i can't fucking explain it. little things he says make me twitch. so we talk.. he still likes me, but i don't think i'm ready for another.. 'online relationship'. yada, yada. the night goes on.. i rent a bunch of movies [boys don't cry, empire records and playing by heart]. i watched empire records which i loved, and then came back to my computer. emily and i get hyper because i'm going there this weekend. and then janel comes back on and i'm on a high. i start to feel dizzy because i've gone so freakin' spastic. i feel like i've taken drugs. queer as folk is on at ten, and i can't miss it! so we have our little hyper hour or so.. and then i go watch my show. well, i know a show shouldn't affect you this much.. [if at all] but it did. it was probably the happiest yet saddest thing i've ever watched. so i'm all teary eyed, and once again, i come back to my computer. read my messages.. hayley left me a link to her new diary. i read it and i'm crying the whole time because.. well i don't think she wants me to share it but.. yeah. and there are some things in there i related to.. so much. she mentioned how she's jealous that emily, janel and i.. can put our feelings out. i wish she could see how wrong that is sometimes. but.. yeah. so now here i am, listening to tiffany's song. she wrote this song about her online boyfriend of two years. she said when she recorded it, she just did it once. never touched it again. she hates it. i love it but it makes me sad. and as if this isn't long enough, here are the lyrics: 'i had a dream.. we were closer. i think you did, too.. i could.. touch you. i'm so sorry if i ever.. hurt you. sometimes even.. simple honesty isn't the.. truth. but it's getting harder and.. harder, to be here without you.. you and your character.. your two-sided friend.. your maternal conflictions.. your perfection. all that i know.. all i ever will.. all i ask of you.. all i beg to hear - always remember.. i love you. always remember.. i love you.' tiffany raines - song for rob that was um. my 'theme' song [or so we'll call it] when i was with the infamous 'jeff'. i haven't talked to julie in weeks, either. god.. what the hell is wrong with me. and now i'm at my tod diary. reading my notes. all these people telling me i'm beautiful. well even the most beautiful rose.. has thorns. always remember.. i love you. sing me to sleep

[28 Jan 2002|01:27pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Switchblade Symphony - Clown ] once again, i wonder how the human race can be so stupid. 'someone to bruise and leave behind' is me. 'lifeizgood' is this girl. lifeizgood says: OOooOOO Connor signed in! someone to bruise and leave behind says: who's connor? lifeizgood says: some really hott guy that you can't have someone to bruise and leave behind says: ah. i see. why would i want him? lifeizgood says: cause. I'd hafta kick your ass. lifeizgood says: hahaha someone to bruise and leave behind says: um.. i mean why would i want him? someone to bruise and leave behind says: not 'why can't i have him?' .. 'why would i want him' lifeizgood says: I dunno lifeizgood says: just thought that you would lifeizgood says: cause he is hott! lifeizgood says: really hott someone to bruise and leave behind says: i don't want guys because they're hot. especially when they're straight and they live nowhere near me, and when someone else likes them. someone to bruise and leave behind says: just because i'm gay doesn't mean i like everything male that walks the earth lifeizgood says: yeah... I was KIDDING! lifeizgood says: cheer up a little and take a joke someone to bruise and leave behind says: why the fuck should i cheer up? it's not a joke when that's the way the world stupidly thinks with their heads up their asses every day when i get treated like shit by everyone, including teachers, because of what i am. lifeizgood says: sorry lifeizgood says: I was just joking... someone to bruise and leave behind says: i don't take jokes about my sexuality lightly. lifeizgood says: meanie... someone to bruise and leave behind says: how the fuck does that make me a 'meanie'!? lifeizgood says: ttyl someone to bruise and leave behind says: whatever. sing me to sleep

[26 Jan 2002|12:57pm] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | Placebo - Passive Aggressive ] well. exams started wednesday. they end next wednesday. i already did my english, business, and tech exams. but now i have to do my science one, on monday, which i'm terrified of. i rented 'memento' and 'the craft' last night. don't ask why i rented the craft. i was just in the mood to watch it. heh. memento was really good. i'm bored out of my mind and i'm really hungry. gah. i am going to emily's next weekend. yay. :) i got the new nin cd. it rocks me. i got the double disc. and um, i got radiohead's live cd. and i got the queer as folk box set of the first season, and watched it all. yay for me. i have no life. heh. oh well. -- 1 song | sing me to sleep

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