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LiveJournal for girl.
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 |
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i've gone from practicing one day a week, to everday of the week. my goal is to become really good and then possibly attend one of the bboy summits in california. i've got a long way to go but i really think i can do it. i'm going to dedicate myself. right now i'm all bruised up and sore from practice. i was trying to do a 1990 but my hand wouldn't spin. i've got everything else down. if my hand would just spin it would be perfect. oh well. i got a freeze down. i've got my six step. haha. i bet it sounds like i really suck for saying "i got my six step"... like its a huge accomplishment or something. to me it is. but i'm sure it's really not. i freaking love breaking. i haven't felt this way about something in so long. and i'm not going to quit. no way. not ever. =P so anyway, everything else is great. i'm on my "spring break" i guess you could say and i have lots of time on my hands. i've been working alot more, which is good, because that means more money in the bank. im saving up for something, i'm just not sure what it is yet. maybe a trip to japan or back to indiana, a digital camera, new clothes, etc etc. we'll see which one comes first. i bet it will be needed for a trip somewhere. i kind of want to visit my brother in seattle. it just sounds like a place that i would enjoy visiting and i miss my brother. i still have some friends who live there and it would be so nice to see some old faces. i ran into a girl i knew in japan. she was the sister of this kid i played soccer with for a couple of years. she rememebered my name. i didn't remember hers or her brothers. oh well. its all good. it was strange because when i went downtown the other week i thought i saw her brother. i was like "whoa i know that kid!" i wanted to say hi, but i didn't think he'd recognize me because when i ran into a really really good friend of mine [also from japan] she didn't even know who i was! it was upsetting but what can i say. anyways, i didn't say anything and then the next day his sister walks up in my store. i swear, it really is a small world. i wish my friends back in indiana had jobs, or could keep jobs. then they could come visit me and it would be so worth it for them. i really think because hawaii and indiana are soo different they would enjoy and appreciate a change. and there's lots to do here so they would never get bored. i wouldn't mind going back and seeing them in indiana but i just think for them, the experience would be much more memorable. alot of my friends back there have never been to hawaii. or have never even been on a plane. or seen the ocean. or left the mainland. *sigh. i miss my friends god dammit. i talked to my friend lindsay the other night for a couple hours i think and it was so wonderful to hear from her! we talked about everything. i realized that all the while i'm thinking about how much i'm missing out on everything being away, i'm really not. nothing has changed. everything is the same over there. i need to stop getting upset over things like that. i need to stop taking crap for granted. and as much as i do try, i can never fully appreciate my life. there is always some small problem that messes with my thoughts... grr. okay, my hands hurt. i should go. i've gotta get ready for practice. peace. to everyone who reads my journal, HAVE A GREAT DAY! *muah. heheh =P |
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| surprise surprise :2- ♥ me | ||||||
determined.| Friday, March 15th, 2002 |
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roses are red violets are blue... i feel like those last three dots describe me. i feel blank. i feel limited. i feel stuck in a loop of mundanity. is that a word? everything seems ordinary. theres so much i need to learn. i want to learn but i just don't know where to begin. i can't take everything in at once, but that is exactly what i want. i wish i was like johnny 5, where i could just pick up an a book, skim through it and know it page by page. i mean i can't even finish a simple poem for crying out loud. i swear there was a point in my life when i could find the words i was looking for and expess myself beautifully. but everything seems more complex and i've fallen below average. if i could just stop thinking and take action. i'm going to bed. great way to relieve stress. i'll read myself to sleep. |
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aggravated.| Sunday, March 10th, 2002 |
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| i wish i had esther, lindsay, or JESSICA here with me in hawaii. i miss those girls so much. i miss our talks. i miss their friendship. i really do. REALLY. sometimes i actually do need people to talk to and nowadays, i don't have anyone. most days i am fine, but there are those days when i just want someone to listen and talk to, ya know? anyway, i'll be okay. this lonesome life has really help me gain independence and that means alot to me. i find it rather sad when someone tells me that they can't do anything alone. i was laughed at for cruising town the other night by myself. but i shrugged my shoulders, smiled, and waved... because i had one of the best nights of my life. i felt so free and confident and it was the most beautiful feeling. the evening was so exciting. i never knew that downtown was such a lively place. i walked up and down the street, observing everything around me for the longest fucking time. i was in a trance. at one point during the night i noticed some poor musicians banging on the drums and freestyleing. they had a great beat going and the guy who was mcing was really dope. instead of ignoring them, i felt the need to listen. i was there for almost an hour, realizing that there are some really fucking intellegent poor folks out there. i didn't feel sorry for them. i was happy for them. in some twisted way i suppose. as i listened, i watched strangers stop, walk pass, listen, ignore them. damn some people are really beautiful. and some are quite disgusting. eww. just shoot me. so yea, after they were tired and were done, i got up again and barely walked a few feet when i noticed a couple breakdancers. woo WEEEEEEe! i sat down again. watched them for awhile. not for a long while before i was blocked by big butts [and i cannot lie]. the crowd got so big that i was forced to get up and find a better view. which i did. right beside the sexy bboys. i wanted to say hello and start a converstaion with them, but i know that i sometimes hate being interrogated by some punk who pretends to know everything about a certain subject. i didn't want to be that asshole. or come off that way. so i minded my own business. ive seen them before. somewhere. i'm not quite sure. i'm sure i'll be seeing them again. so it was no big deal. i was hoping to see some other kids that i do know show up, but they never did. dang. i left around midnight. i ran a red light. almost killed myself. pissed off the other person in the oncomming car. woops, i really didn't mean to run that light. i didn't even see it. i'm freaking stupid. anyways. what am i doing writting about my night. i can't even tell it straight. and i don't want to bore people. i have bad grammer. bad spelling. oh well. who am i trying to impress. | ||||||
| surprise surprise :2- ♥ me | ||||||
okay.| Monday, March 4th, 2002 |
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and contemplating how happy i am going to be tomorrow. wow. i get tingles just thinking about it. i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight. i'll be half asleep all night. i'll be singing these words in my sleep. "I'm going to be all that I am all of SIAM While others run at the mouth with nothing to show I'm gonna use all that I know Manipulating my flows from here to there I origami the situation for what is considered unsuitable To something beautiful The outcome is legendary, and nothing less." no doubt. i'm crazy hehe. geebus crispy, life couldn't be better. woop. this song has some dope lyrics. i never used to like music with words. i can't explain why or in a manner that would make any sense to you. i just got more out of beats and sounds alone, i felt as if i was in another world. but lately, i've been all about lyrics. i crave words like no other. it turns me on. =P hehe. j/k. but i find myself at times just sitting here listening to my music and dazing off and losing sense of everything around me. i become mesmerized, fixed on the words, and everything becomes peaceful. beautiful. and theres a voice wispering to me. saying i should reach for my dreams. and i snap out of it, realizing that it wasn't a dream. everything is peaceful. i am where i want to be. that voice is my own and dreams are unfolding before me. nothing is stopping me anymore from doing what i want to do, and there's no strings attached. shit, what could be fucking better? music is such a drug. i want more. ------------ i've been told by several people lately, something that i never thought i was. i'm still having trouble believing that i am. but it's been so flattering that i can't help but smile. so i wonder to myself, why do i worry? i really don't know. i step aside and evaluate things from another angle, and everything i see is perfect. it really is. even if i was told a lie, i shouldn't even care. i shouldn't carry the weight on my shoulders. there are bigger problems in this world. and i am caring and stressing over something that doesn't matter. so um.. yeah, i'm over it. life is moving along and i'm right beside it. |
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| surprise surprise :4- ♥ me | ||||||||
awake.| Sunday, March 3rd, 2002 |
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and i'm gonna be alright, and your gonna be alright, you aint gotta hold my hand just walk with me tonight. - atmosphere that line really appeals to me right now. it's not from the happiest song ever, but i like the meaning behind it. there are times when i get really scared to live because i'm afraid of the future and how everything is going to end up; i'm afraid to be left behind; i'm afraid of alot of things, but in reality, if i just keep my head up i'm really going to be okay. and i just need to be brave. the song kind of points out shit that i need to be grateful for and it motivates me to really do something productive with my life. it's all sunshine baby. hehe. i'm happy. it's been quite awhile since i've found happiness and had the feeling stick around longer than a week. tis grand. i really thought i was never going to get out of my 'depression'. i actually use that term lightly because i woudn't quite say that i was depressed, just lost and confused. my feelings were scrambled and i couldn't keep my feet on the ground. everything was flipped... green was looking orange, politness was obsurd rudeness, water wasn't liquid anymore, and music didn't even exist... you get my point. geez, now imagine a world like that. =\ that's what it felt like to be me up until a week ago. i'm happy to be back. i hope i never have to leave again, i like it here. familiarity is my best friend. so anyways, only two more days until my things get here. im really excited. yes sir. hehe. uh brb. somehtings come up dang. =\ |
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cheerful.| Thursday, February 28th, 2002 |
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| i seriously had the best night of hawaiian life last night. god damn am i happy. i don't want to talk about it. there's not much to say really, but it was so wonderful. i love breakdancing. and to add to that, i get my stuff on TUESDAY!!!!! holy shit. hahah. i'm seriously giddy as hell. i love my life. i'm happy. and i think i've finally gotten the motivation i need to get through school. through life. i'm never taking anything for granted ever again. and im never holding myself back. i'm never settling for second best anymore. i want to do everything and learn about everything. i cannot wait to get my stuff. yay! hehe. anyways, i gotta go eat. i'll be back to talk more about my evening. | ||||||||
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ecstatic.| Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 |
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| Sunday, February 24th, 2002 |
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hoooorah! now you can't beat that. hehe. dang i am B.O.R.E.D. i hope i don't sound like an idiot. =) i changed the journal layout a bit. talk about maximum override. woop. it's late. i need to sleep so i can pack shit up tomorrow and move on up out of this apartment! [i was gonna say hell hole, but it's not... completely] yay, i am extremely excited. shall we dance? i think we shall, tis a wonderful reason to do a lil jig. if anyone wants to join in, please feel free to do so. watch your step. homework. homework. i need to remember to do that. im quitting my job [even if its a bad idea] so that i can concentrate completely on school work and get my friggin act together. dammit. what the heck is wrong with me. =\ *sigh. i think its time for sleep. goodnight all. xoxo |
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| surprise surprise :1- ♥ me | ||||||
sleepy.| Saturday, February 23rd, 2002 |
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I wanted to go see josh martinez tonight at the pink cadillac, but i'm passing it up for a wonderful night at home. ha. the real reason is that i am too lazy to get gas right now, my car needs its oil changed, and i'm not quite sure if i'll even be able to find the place. plus someone told me that parking is a pain in the ass and i'd hate to park a block away and not be too sure that my car is safe. people like to break into cars these days and you can't trust anyone. fooie. it really would of been dope to attend the show, but i'll live. i cannot wait to move into my new house and set up my room. woowee. that's the best part when you move to someplace new, you get to experience the short-term joy of recieving all your belongings again. partings ways with it can be really depressing, but getting it all back helps you forget all the pain. somebody once told me that when you're feeling homesick [being that your away from home] thats when you grow as a person the most and appreciate a lot of things. i think its true. although i would have loved to have my things back six months ago, i think that i've really begun to appreciate all the things i have and when it comes down to it, i could live with sleeping on the floor, or never watching television again. materialistic things just don't mean shit to me anymore. it's great to be 'blessed' with all these things that i am fortunate to own, but i wouldn't be too upset if i lost it all and only had a cardboard box to live in. of course since it would be almost impossible to live like that, i rather stay away from a life like that. =\ no offense. let's hope i'll never have to. i'm just saying that if i never grow up to be rich like bill gates, thats fine. i used to be all about it. the simpler things are just better. i'm weird i suppose, but we all knew this right ;)! grr, i missed practice wednesday and i've been craving to watch the kids break and possibly learn something new. i swear, i'm so happy that i got up the courage to go to these practices all by myself. I dunno, it was really intimidating at first, not knowing a soul and having to deal with the staring eyes, but that was completely bearable. and now that i've befriended a few kids, it's just been so worth it! lately i haven't let anything stop me from going someplace alone. it's not all that bad. nobody really cares that you're all by your lonesome, let alone even notices. it actually suits me. i've always been somewhat a loner when it comes to parties and such. it's great to have company, no doubt, but sometimes you just don't have anything to say. sometimes you just want to be free. quiet. and observe your surroundings in peace. i'm a quiet person and to have people with you means communication is expected. i hate that pressure. if that makes me boring then so be it, i'm enjoying myself, live it up too. that's all i feel like saying about that or any other subject. i think i'll go for a walk and end up at blockbuster for a movie. ahh shit, movies! good idea dawn. hehe. what shall i watch? guess i'll just have to see. i'm ouuuuuuut! xoxo |
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2002 |
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Nothing new. I am bored so i thought i'd list my favorite songs at the moment. » aesop rock - daylight » babe ruth - the mexican » craig mack - wooden horse » josh martinez - rainy day » oddjobs - no egos » Jazzanova - burning » kevin yost - if she only knew » Esthero - lounge » dazz band - let it whip » stereo action unlimited - lovelight » stereolab - miss modular » sage francis - climb trees » the sea and cake - you beautiful basterd » dose one - spit fire » the pedestrian - the nature of theater haha that's about it.. yea well i mean there is more but i can't list them all. the list is in no particular order. they are all good yo. break a move and enjoy. find them on audiogalaxy if you haven't heard of any of the songs. i've got great musical taste so just trust me when I say they're good... cuz they are! I've decided that i'm not going to work on my site anymore. one day i many change my mind but for now i need to cut back on computer time and enjoy other things. i have really bad hands and being on the computer constantly doesn't help my situation. *sigh. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but i can't help it. plus i'm moving and i'm hoping to get my act together. i need to concentrate on my school work and figure out what i actually want to do with my future. i really don't want to end up on the curb and spange ( i think that's what it's called). i have dreams somewhere inside me that are just begging to be set free. |
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worried.
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LiveJournal for girl.
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