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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Matt Fowle's LiveJournal:
| Saturday, January 26th, 2002 | |
| 12:58 am | schools starting monday, and i'm moving in tomorrow. the past two days have been an awsome goodbye to the wj area. its been fun all! keep up the partying! i'll try and make it down to wj area myself, and you guys gotta try and make some roadtrips up here to my rock house dorm room. Current Music: Beatles - Michelle |
| 12:55 am | heh. lj just aint the same when i'm not logged in. welcome back friends posts. just finished building gear to bunk my bed. took about four hours, which aint bad. i had to switch to using the hand saw at 11:00 cause one of my neighbors was walking their dog and complained about the circular saw. which is totally understandable, the thing sounds like a banshee screaming on crack cocaine. planning on quickly rebuilding the projector right about now. got a whole bunch of fans ready to go, along with some really professional mounting gear. i'm gonna try and find some nice and quiet fans that'll give me nice airflow without too much of a racket. asthetics aside, it wont really make that it makes much of a difference as of tomorrow when i move back into my dorm and no longer have to worry about keeping the stereo to a whisper at 2:00 AM. i love college life. |
| Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 | |
| 5:32 am | i'm glad i can still build a lean to. its raining. |
| Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002 | |
| 8:52 pm | Current Mood: depressed + pissed off Current Music: all loud |
| 8:14 pm | my feet are fucking freezing. i was painting a sheet outside, and my shoes kept tracking crap everywhere. i finally just took them off. and i've been walking around the snow patched back yard in bare feet ever since. Current Music: loud |
| 4:50 am | i need to look for more beauty in life. i've been focusing too much on all the corruption in this world, and i've been missing the beauty recently. i was really depressed in 7th and 8th grade. all the evil got to me, all the blackness. i just couldnt stand living in a world tainted and scorched by so many attrocities. at some point i just stopped caring. something broke inside of me, and i could feel the emotions just stop. no longer did i feel that mix of pity compassion anger and sorrow well up inside of me. i'm pretty sure now that i'd ran out of emotions, used them all up. at first it was liberating. no longer did i care about globalization, about child soldiers, about land mines, about political prisoners, people being tortured, war, guns, corruption, materialism, self-absorbtion, starvation, about all the attrocities this world harbored. i could finally sleep, the tears no longer streamed down my face all night. but sleep was not what it once was. i also realized i'd stopped caring about life itself. i just stopped caring altogether, stopped feeling emotion completely. every day in 8th grade i woke up and wondered why i bothered existing in this bleak world. i didnt really care about the world anymore, i didnt care that i couldnt change the world. i just wondered what the hell i was doing here, wondered why i was bothering with it all anymore. it was just so bullshit, all of it. everything was just fucking bullshit, and i didnt want to interact with any of it. to this day, i dont know why i chose life. i can honestly say i didnt really care one way or another about my own life. i think i just didnt want to add any more taint to this already black world, that i didnt want to shed any more blood, didnt want to foul the air any more. i think thats what stopped me from ending my own life. to keep myself alive, to keep myself caring about this world and this life, i kept a reason for life. it'd be a project i was working on, a good book i was reading, a beautiful morning bike ride, a night spent with good friends, the leafless tree branches of a forrest in winter sillouetting the blue sky. something - anything - to keep me going. to this day, i'm convinced that the only reason i still stand on this earth is because of this practice. eventually, i stopped needing is, i started being able to better appreciate the beauty in this world. i think i've forgotten to do that recently, i think i've started getting too wrapped up in my conceptions of evil in this world. i must strike a better balance, must relearn to see that which is good in this world. good night. Current Music: Pixies - Where Is My Mind? |
| 4:27 am | i think i'm gonna pile up all the blankets and sleeping bags i can find in the house and crawl under them. anyone wanna come over and play in the blanket fort? Current Music: Art of Noise - Rapt in the Evening Air |
| 4:22 am | when i was little, my family was typically on the move. neither of my parents had developped stable suburbanite lives yet so flux was just an accepted routine. we tried to put down roots wherever we went, but bad company or a bad job market always had us packing up our bags within a year or two. at first i lamented giving up friends. i didnt want to let go of the friendships i'd worked so hard to forge. i didnt want to leave meggie, or kelly, or andrew, the friends i'd trust in a heartbeat with my life. over time though i've become more open handed. people come and go, and i no longer hold on quite so desperately as i once did. part of me thinks its because i'm more open handed that i havent connected as well, i simply havent been grabbing on tight enough to start with. more earnestly though, i think my development after moving away from maine lead me to be more aware of people and their actions - on innumerable levels. i realized what i value in people, and what i want in a friendship, and these extra critereon have barricaded me from the completely unreservedly trusting relationships i once was capable of having. its easy to please someone who has no expectations. i think that is why its so hard to connect with the people about me. Current Music: beethoven - tempest |
| Monday, January 21st, 2002 | |
| 7:34 am | i've recently rediscovered something weird about myself. i try to live outside of my own comfort zone, always try to keep myself on my feet, on edge, always moving. perhaps, someplace deep inside, i am only comfortable when i feel the symptoms of being uncomfortable. |
| 5:41 am | i'm a perfectionist, through and through. but i'm sick and fucking tired of everyone expecting perfection out of me. i am still only human, and i've never really felt like i've been given in any meaningful way the slack that any imperfect being should be given. i dont feel like i'm treated quite human. the only person that's ever cut me any slack was mrs crain. |
| 5:38 am | i feel like a brute. in so many ways. |
| 5:38 am | just did my first set of one handed pullups. go me. i can feel myself growing stronger. my parents are pissed at me. there were two nearly full bottles of vodka in the freezer and some white paint speckles around the house. hippies that have turned suburbanites are the saddest thing. i told my mom i just dont care. because i dont. moving the wet canvas was one of the most difficult jobs i've ever done, and if the near perfect results they got werent enough, fuck them. a little bit of water will solve the rest. and leaving two bottles of vodka in the freezer isnt the worst thing in the world either. my parents know i drink sometimes. would they rather them be empty? |
| 4:25 am | live journal has all but eliminated my email usage. i want to change that. email me. or i'll email you. Current Music: kmfdm - dogma |
| 3:52 am | anh says she has finals this week and needs study time. i start school next week. damn it all. joey and i - inspired by a little movie and a lot of sleep dep - plotted the perfect kidnapping once upon a time, just for fun. we never thought we'd ever use these plans, but it seems they might still have use. Current Music: The Strokes - Barely Legal |
| 3:48 am | i just saw an article on front cover of one of those newspaper magazine supplements - the type you get bundled with the sunday paper - an article on "strong women". if you ask me, the whole thing sounds bunk. it seems to imply that strength is an exceptional quality in women, which isnt the case and if it were the case would only be because stupid magazine articles like this one cause the self-consciousness that leads to the exitance of relatively weak women in the first place. i hate american media. Current Music: Front 242 - Modern Angel (KMFDM remix) |
| 3:45 am | drop your facist scheduling. life is what happens when your busy making plans. besides, plans never work out like they were supposed to anyways. support the innate liberty of time itself. be a part of the solution. Current Music: Paul Van Dyk - Tell Me Why (The Riddle) |
| Sunday, January 20th, 2002 | |
| 4:40 pm | 1:01a appears to be the mode time of posting. Current Music: Beatles - Got To Get You Into My Life |
| 4:29 am | this song rocks. the clash rocks. i think its about time to start my own company. thinking of starting in integrated home AV field, which shouldnt be too hard. planning on stretching further and further into generalized integrated systems as things grow. i wish i owned a house i could use as a real proof of concept, not just some basement. Current Music: The Clash - Police on My Back |
| 1:01 am | that was a really nice day. spent some quality time with anh. didnt quite make it sledding for real, but we had a damned good time anyways. went to strikeout fundraiser at dans house. some nice music, some trash, its always 50 / 50. had to run home to make a phone call though, went home and talked with my uncle, whose flu isnt getting any better. we decided it'd probably be better if i didnt go up right now. started heading back to dan's shindig and when i got back i couldnt find my anh. started driving back to my place a couple songs latter. stopped in a snowy parking lot and practiced some snow driving. my emergency break was pretty much dead though, which was kinda sad. still got some nice practice in though. went sledding when i got home. there were a bunch of people in their late 20's early 30's at the school, a little drunk and having a really good time. had a blast plowing through the array of jumps the kids had built during the day. through some snow balls. good time. now i'm sitting in the basement, running the backup projector. been playing classic super nintendo rpg's again, great time. sipping hot chocolate with snow gear in the corner dripping off. blasting art of noise. i feel serene. the place is a total pig stye again, with the aftermath of a decent sized party spreading out i gotta clean this hell hole up. i've got massive party aftermath downstairs, plus a huge fucking sheet in the living room, still soaked with paint and snow. i dont really know what i'm going to do with the sheet unless all the snow melts. otherwise my parents are gonna get home and be like, so um, what is a giant freaking sheet doing drying in our living room? i seriously think college will be more relaxing than vacation. damn. Current Mood:  peacefulCurrent Music: Art Of Noise - Close To The Edit |
| Saturday, January 19th, 2002 | |
| 10:08 pm | where'd anh go? i'm going sledding. call me or meet me at kp. Current Music: Philip Glass - Organic |