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LiveJournal for Amy.
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| Saturday, March 23rd, 2002 |
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| hahah. We had a particularly amusing session with the Ouija board tonight. Apparently, I am getting married, but I am NOT having kids. :) My future husband's name is Fester. And I am getting married at the age of 29. I'm losing my virginity in one year at the age of 19. Yaaay. About time. ahhaha. Keating is not getting married until the age of 40 and is having 2 kids. Grace, you are having 3 kids, lol. hehehehe. I went to the library and loaded up on books. I must have like 20something books out, man. bwhahahahah. | ||||||
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| Thursday, March 21st, 2002 |
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 You are Allen Ginsberg The "Which Beatnik Are You?" test was created by  aglaea. Take the test here! |
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 take the death quiz. and go to mewing.net. laura = great. |
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 |
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| I want to wreck havoc. I want to create chaos. If I let people know that their lives are meaningless, then all humanity will go nuts. bwhahhahaa. This is my evil plan. How shall I achieve this? um, how about double majoring in international affairs and philosophy and going to grad school ad infinitum and writing a bunch of speculative books and um haha "accidentally" get them to be bought by a bunch of naive Christians and then the world goes mad. ahhaha. I wish. | ||
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| Tuesday, March 19th, 2002 |
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| Reading old entries in journals is just depressing. You learn just how utterly pathetic and naive you are. Writing is pointless; it always interprets emotions and then you read it back a couple of days later and you think, how stupid can you be? I read some entries from like, November. Weird shit. | ||||||
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 Who's Your Inner Music Industry Diva? Find out @ She's Crafty  Which Breakfast Clubber Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty |
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| Isn't it strange that somehow yesterday I knew things wouldn't work out? I quote: "Failing failing failing at everything." | ||
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| Yeah, so he ran away before I could talk to him. Bastard. It's really not worth it...he lives in Arlington. And if anything "happened" I wouldn't be able to see him over the summer. Parents won't let me drive anywhere. That's further than Dale City, and they wouldn't even let me visit Alicia, my best friend from the Spanish Academy, and she lives there. So I highly doubt they would let me visit a boyfriend they've never met in Arlington. ::sigh:: Damn boys. Just another episode in my life where any attempt to accomplish anything fails. Always. Futility futility futility. | ||||||||
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| Monday, March 18th, 2002 |
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| Tomorrow is going to suck in so many ways. Ugh. Shoot me. Failing failing failing at everything. | ||||
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 Which Rainbow Brite kid are you? By Growing.
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Again, scratch that. hehhe. The Sex Pistols' irreverence makes me smile: I just want to play with my band, aren't you good enough for me Hiya boys I'm the chosen one, Can't ya fucking see? I'm a jealous God and want everything, and I love you, with a knife I take you if you're ready for me, and I'll give you my life hehe. |
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| This journal is unhealthy for me. I am not very healthy. No matter what a stupid, pathetic individual I am going to seem like tomorrow, I feel like I must go through with it. I am also upset about my grades. I think I failed a Theatre exam today. It's like I have lost any ability to remember anything. I am seriously going to have like a 2.0. Jesus Christ, I wish I could hibernate and wake up and not have to do anything, ever. I am a lazy individual with no real talent other than being bitter. Godammit, Godammit. I wish I hadn't gone to college. I don't like anything anyway. All my classes are shit, and I haven't learned anything in any of them. I'm wasting my money. I have no courage to drop out, even though that is what I most want. I want to die. | ||||||||
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| Scratch that. | ||
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| Sunday, March 17th, 2002 |
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| Maybe so, but I'm probably just as big as a loser as he. And a little bit more pain in my life would make it more exciting, haha. So yeah, just maybe after class on Tuesday, he shall receive a little revelation. Poor boy. He'll probably run away. I think I could deal with it. I've dealt with it before. haha. Ok, time for D.C. misery trip. I hate people. Good thing I got Jack with me. Heaven and Other Poems. Yay. | ||||||||
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| Saturday, March 16th, 2002 |
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| Hmmm. I am sick. Decided to maybe do something about James. We shall see. Feel like shit. DC trip not going to be fun. booo :( | ||||||
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You are Sylvia Plath No matter how much you struggle, you can't manage to shake off depression. You use symbolism to express yourself and have a knack for getting the most out of gas ovens. Take the Which Poet are You? Quiz - brought to you out of boredom and pretention! I was also equally Robert Frost and e e cummings |
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| Friday, March 15th, 2002 |
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| I am wearing a light-colored shirt today, after yesterday dissing people for wearing springy attire. After one of the blackest nights of my life, haha. Yes, last night could not get to sleep for the life of me until about 4:30 in the morning. I wrote a WHOLE lot last night, and that is good. I'd say about 5-6 pages. Haven't read over it to see if it makes any sense. Oh me, how I trouble myself.As Laurie has said, sleep deprivation is almost like being drunk. It is, sort of. Anyway, I'll prolly post those poems later today. I've got to stop writing in this thing. | ||||||||
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| Thursday, March 14th, 2002 |
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| Stephanie has put a silly idea into my head about James. She said that you never know who may be attracted to you. And that he might notice me. And I replied, Yeah, well, he sits 2 seats away from me, how is he NOT going to notice me. So all during every class, I sneak peaks at him, I don't even know if he notices. Today he was talking to that girl in front of him and I glared at her. Then today as we were leaving the lecture hall, I held the door for him and he said thanks, and Beth and I were walking up the stairs, and he was ahead of us and he held the door open like I was going to follow but I was still on the stairs, and he looked back. I don't know if he was looking back at me or whatever. I just wish I could read this boy's mind. Ok, so anything I said about wanting a physical relationship is false, false, false. Everyday I think, hey I could talk to him, it's probably feasible. If I could hit on some boy while I was drunk, why can't I just talk to one while I'm sober? I keep seeing the situation in my mind. I would just appreciate some male companionship; I wouldn't mind just being friends with him. It's just that he's so quiet. Not talking has its implications. And I like those implications. I'm, like, looking for this Donnie Darko type ideal or something. Some troubled youth to hang out with. I don't want sex at this point. Or rather, I am too scared to have sex at this point. It's not a big deal, this whole thing, and I feel pathetic for devoting such a longass entry to this. Fuck it. | ||||||||
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Ghost World and Donnie Darko are the best movies ever. In both of the movies, the only solution to the madness of the world is suicide. People like Enid and Donnie represent the lost youth lost in that saccharine, dualistic, falseness of everything. I'm crying. This song, "Mad World" plays at the end of Donnie Darko. See, psychotherapy doesn't work. Taking medication just reminds me of Brave New World. Taking medicine for depression is like soma. Its not a coincidence that basically all writers and poets and artists are depressed. The mainstream society seeks to repress thought. Suicide or escaping the false world takes a lot of courage. Unfortunately I don't have that courage. haha. So I can be a writer. I can think of the time I almost told my parents everything, when I was sick one time. haha. My facade is not so hard to see through. I'm sure anyone can see I'm bitter. I don't want to worry my parents though. Let them go on with their silly little lives. Let them think they have some meaning, let them think they have a happy Amy for a daughter. I'm the screwup in the family, hopefully they can have Denise to be incredibly proud of. I think depression and sadness are truth. Sure, we could alll take medication but the problems are still there. Its a FUCKING CONSPIRACY!!! That medication changes us biologically! It's sneaky facism in a "we just want to make the world mentally healthy" facade!!! "Mad World" All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for their daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere And their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow No tomorrow, no tomorrow And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you 'Cause I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very Mad World Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday Made to feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen Went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me, no one knew me Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson Look right through me, look right through me I'm paranoid. And growing more insane day by day. haha. Laughing is my ultimate defense mechanism. No Exit tonight. Awesome. Laurie are you coming or not. |
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LiveJournal for Amy.
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good.
excited.
pissed off.
anxious.
crappy.
blah.
sick.