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Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in
Aesis Sui`Generis' LiveJournal:
| Wednesday, December 19th, 2001 | |||
| 12:18 am | I am sad noone finds me interesting. Current Mood:  sad | ||
| Sunday, December 16th, 2001 | |||
| 11:42 am | S;eeping can dramatically shorten youre lif; use with cautioj I just delpt over/arount 25 housrs, jesus vchi8rst. I dount thin ki'll be able to function for the next half day or so. WTF its's like im fuckin ghihg but.. goddamn jsue rmpo for mini wheats an dmilk. a tleast i know her my careiks. Current Mood:  awake | ||
| Wednesday, December 12th, 2001 | |||
| 1:42 pm | d`oh Someone backed into my fucking car. Good thing the Buick has armor. | ||
| Monday, December 10th, 2001 | |||
| 10:45 am | weird Someones been in my office, possibly those smelly ass janitors. And its the smelly ass funk i'm writing about... out of being here almost a year i havent had such problem since, so they were either congregating for a bonus ass smile, or killed one of their kin here, all i know is if it was their intentions they fucking did a good job, or some co-worker with major funk++. I had to go wash my hands multiple times in hopes ... ok obessessions :P that it would go away. Not the point of this though, i guess im -not- writing about the funk, at a few frames of time after one of the washings, the whole soap vs. water vs. funk vs. my cologne went to armaggedon. during armageddon, I smelled what my grandfather smells like.. not bad, you know all people have a minor scent that distinguishes them, the way most pets/animals know people apart quickly. Well it just reminded me of my papaw-in-Laurel, and he's had some uber heart surgery back thousands of miles home recently, and i haven't been paying attention to the seriousness of that, or anything i'm emailed from my mom (i took it seriously, it never really sunk in) and i was reminded for some reason greater than just novelty i'm sure. I haven't phoned my parents in about 8 months, haven't seen them in 11. I have an underlying fear of going home and my family falling apart, i mean the individuals of my family aging.. not the much to call a 'family' about us. Anyways i don't usually have primal fears or feelings, my willpower is sufficient to control almost everything in my life except ocd effects and primal fears, of which i've only found heights and roaches. Well I've seemed to find another, I've caught myself crying looking at a blanket with a deer design my mom sent with me, one of my few memories from childhood i still have left, we had that...; crying at no particular instances, just thinking about going home, seeing that they have aged and are getting older, closer to death. I could give a shit about dieing, i would like it to happen, but i really never wanted to live past my family and anyone within me knew that too. I'm getting a bit teary now, and i'm at work, so i'll stop now but in the meantime i'll be trying to clear some of this up. =\ Current Mood: melancholyCurrent Music: Ani DiFranco - If He Tries Anything & Aphex Twin - 54 cymru beats | ||
| Thursday, December 6th, 2001 | |||
| 5:12 pm | hello world I'm kinda sad, kinda upset, and i feel alone. I don't know if it's because of what i've done in my life if its karma or if its genetics. I'm uncontrollably paranoid and obssessive compulsive. I am (more controllably) bi-polar. My life is an inverse function, and my blood relies on the theory of diminishing returns. I wish i had more intresting things to write :( People hurt my feelings, and not just today, or tomorrow, my past.. people by merely existing now make me feel bad. I'm not sure what i'm going to do :\ usually if i dont have the answers, i build them. or i break down the question until it becomes the answer. I try to have all the answers. I maintain an idea of the entire environment around me, what moves and who breathes on what. I watch behind me more than my forward vigil, and i can describe what nearly any floor looks like but there are still unseen ceilings in buildings I've used for years, and speaking of that what does the sun look like? I wish i were more stable. Everyone asks to be normal. I'm saying let me not be suicidal for days and then as hyper as a tweaking hyena in a field of cattle. Let me not dwell on thoughts of hurting myself and putting my clothes on correctly and having all the wires in my world untangled without following through with oh so great and comforting acts of compulsion which bestow completion. I feel alone. I don't have any friends around any more. There are no more playtimes. I get to cry i get to work ] i get to see clearly things (that are) cloudy and opaque to others at the cost of normal clarity [ choices i don't make, I don't have control overmyself so don't tell me i do goddamn you -- goddamn you and you means you all i don't have to discriminate fuck my family fuck my life, choose life though, and choose pro-choice, or someone will choose no-choice for you. Sometimes i'd give anything for you to be able to be me for 1 minute. you would reevaluate the way you treat me, goddamn you and you means YOU ALL. I gather my surroundings and what is me is only what is around me, you can't see through me because there was nothing to see in me just like before me. And stop faking it we know who you really are we see the truth i've told you this before and again and now you aren't realizing this, you're hacking through the truth this text, and wondering why i'm writing this way, this guy tries way too hard, fucked up mother offspring of a generation of poser-people. I don't care, stop faking it. I know what goes on, existance speaks louder than language. everyone misses being a kid. I miss innocence and fun. I obssessed then i see in heinsight. My parents didn't take care of me. I'm not contagious damn you all, don't shuffle away from me. I have more to offer than your fucking dirt or your television, filthy petty talk and books. noone cares to see, oh yes i care tell me and that is gone on day 2. Again i wear my headphones, but i forget to run music through them. I'd like to love life, life hasn't returned my phone calls though. I'm not intellectual and i'm not smart, i'm a product of my environment, rapidly i have shaped and evolved and continue to do so, i understand more than i ever knew, but that was before i understood what i know now, and now what i know asserts that i dont understand anything. I'm not skewed and im not fucking broken goods. I'm not stupid and im not hateful. I'm not totally unstable i can converse you ass, i also cook and i dont mind the fact you didnt let me use the kitchen ever mom, I'd fucking make it dirty right? Stop your whining. I'm not fucking whining. You're a fucking retard. I am enlightened. You are ugly on the inside. =~( And you all wonder why i use drugs. Current Mood:  uncomfortableCurrent Music: Björk - Human Behaviour | ||
| Monday, December 3rd, 2001 | |||
| 1:26 pm | I've been called Mr. Pink before, but i never thought it was real :/  Didn't even retake the test or nothin`, it really -is- me :P | ||
| Tuesday, November 27th, 2001 | |||
| 12:51 am | for kyle  You are 49 - 63% HO! If you were a New York resident you'd be from Manhattan. But that's ok! You still walk the walk and talk the talk of a real HO! Your HO Goddess is Estelle Getty. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Fiona Apple -- Criminal | ||
| Saturday, November 24th, 2001 | |||
| 7:21 pm |
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| Monday, November 19th, 2001 | |||
| 3:06 pm | -~-.,.-~-.,.-~-.,.-~-,.,-~-.,.-~- Next to women, speed is the best thing God ever gave to humankind. Current Mood: Spun Current Music: BT - Believer(?) | ||
| Saturday, November 17th, 2001 | |||
| 9:58 am | wooot! Happy Birthday to Beth! | ||
| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001 | |||
| 7:28 pm | Not dead yet. Nothing happened really. In the meantime, yesterday I scored the entire Chemical Brothers album "Chemical Four", not to be released until April of 2002. Fear. I know Cass will. Life is what happens between chemicals. | ||
| Sunday, October 14th, 2001 | |||
| 2:30 am | Me, personal, 101 I finally got around to it needleSpun ;) 1. Had sex? Yes. 2. Had oral sex? Yes. 3. Had anal sex? Yes. 4. Used more than 3 positions in one session? Yes. 5. Devoted a whole day to sex? Hah; planned on it a couple times, but fatigue kicks in :P 6. Had noise complaints from neighbors during a sex session? We've had complaints about actual incidents of noise (from previous fighting) WHILE we were having sex... but those two events were unrelated. 7. Received open praise for sexual technique? yep. 8. Written an erotic story? nope. 9. Fallen or lost balance during sex? couple times, then closed the Kamasutra. 10. Brought partner to climax using only hands? yep. 11. Brought partner to climax using only mouth? yep. 12. Had sex while totally dressed (unzipped pants, hiked up skirt)? couple times. 13. Had sex while standing up? yep. 14. Erotically licked feet or sucked toes? not erotically... 15. Had sex during your "monthly visit"? If I had monthly visits, I'd be scared. 16. Used whipped cream/soft chocolate erotically? yep. 17. Used ice erotically? oh yah. 18. Used hot melted wax erotically? like once, drunk off my ass 19. Shaved your pubic hair? constantly. 20. Used a sex toy? yep 21. Used a vibrator? yep. 22. Used an inanimate object (bottle, candle, hairbrush, etc.) for masturbation? hmm... does a toaster oven count? nm. (jk) 23. Used an inanimate object while having sex with a partner? maybe once (?) 24. Obtained money or a favor for sex? haw no. 25. Paid or granted a favor for sex? nah. 26. Given sex in sympathy? nah. 27. Had sex with a virgin? yep. 28. Ever cheated on someone? once :( 29. Had sex with someone 10 years older/younger than you? nah, dont dig the 9 yr old or 30 yr old scenes much. 30. Had sex with your landlord? hahah nah 31. Had sex with a teacher? i wish. 32. Had sex with a boss? nope. 33. Had sex with a relative? yecch nah 34. Had sex with two members of the same family? hehe nah. 35. Had sex with twins? nope. 36. Had homosexual sex? nope. 37. Had sex with a pet? nana. 38. Had sex with a farm animal? nope. 39. Had sex with someone the same day that you met them? no. 40. Had sex with someone whose name you didnt know? no. 41. Had sex with someone you never spoke to/spoke different languages? no. 42. Had more than 10 sexual partners? no. 43. Had more than 100 sexual partners? no. 44. Had two seperate sexual partners within 24 hours? nope. 45. Had a menage-a-trois? nope :( someday soon. 46. Had group sex (more than 3)? nah 47. Participated in a swap/swinging club? nah. 48. Had two regular partners at the same time? nope. 49. Had sex in a public place? few times, few places :) 50. If so, where? most significantly, the beach back home... looooooong story that i'll tell on personal IM request :P 51. Had sex outdoors in broad daylight? yep. 52. Had sex on the roof of a building? haha nah afraid of those heights 53. Had sex in a stationary car? yep 54. Had sex in a moving car? hmm, thought about it. Roadhead count? 55. Are you a member of the mile high club? haw nah. 56. Had sex outdoors at night? yep. 57. Had two sexual partners at the same time unaware of eachother? nanana :/ 58. Had sex in your parents bedroom? nope 59. Had sex in the host's bedroom while a day guest (party/social visit)? no. 60. Had sex in the host's bedroom while an overnight guest? no 61. Had sex in a public room while an overnight guest (kitchen etc.)? kinda... when i was an overnight guest at her house a few states away, we snuck in the damn DINING room with 12ppl in the house and sexed/slept together a couple nights IN A ROW :P 62. Had sex at your office or other work area? head count? 63. Met partner during work hours to have sex? I've skipped some work hours to do it.. 64. Had sex in a public restroom? head count (x2) 65. Had sex on public transportation (bus, train, taxi, etc)? iiicck nah. 66. Had sex in a dark theatre? nothing more than hands 67. Had sex in the water (ocean, lake, pool, hottub)? YES! 68. Had sex in an elevator? nope 69. Had sex in a cemetary? haw nah 70. Had sex in a store dressing room? nope. 71. Used alcohol to lower resistance to sexual advances? see 28 :( 72. Allowed yourself to be felt up by a stranger? nah. 73. Looked at a nude magazine? oh heavens no... OF COURSE 74. Looked at an explicit magazine (actual sex acts)? umm, yes. 75. Seen a live stripper? oh yah, good stuff. 76. Seen a live sex show? nope. 77. Watched someone having sex without their knowledge? my memory doesnt serve me well.. but regretfully i dont think so. 78. Showered with a partner? OH YES water = good 79. Flashed someone (breasts, genitals, moon, etc.)? once upon a time 80. Streaked with a group of six or more? haha six or more? nah 81. Stripped for someone? gotta have self confidence to do that :( 82. Stripped for a group of 3 or more? - 83. Participated at a nude beach or nudist camp? nope. 84. Been the only nude person in a group of 3 or more? no. 85. Played strip poker (or a similar game involving nudity)? no. 86. Showered while someone watched? oh yah 87. Masturbated? duh. 88. Masturbated while someone watched? yep. 89. Masturbated for a group of three or more people? nope. 90. Masturbated covertly in public? hrmmm :) 91. Had sex while you knew someone was watching? you never KNOW do you? 92. Been walked in on while having sex? yep :\ 93. Walked in on someone having sex? nah 94. Had phone sex? couple times... bleh 95. Watched a porno film with a sexual partner? yep. 96. Been the photographer for a nude photo? yah 97. Been photographed nude? NAH 98. Been photographed having sex? nah 99. Been videotaped having sex? nah 100. Watched a regular sexual partner having sex with someone else? nah 101. Role-played a sexual situation? hmm maybe 102. Taken part in transvestism? naw 103. Used a blindfold during sex? yep 104. Used handcuffs during sex? yep 105. Inflicted pain during sex (sadism)? nah gotta have a partner who enjoys it to do it :P 106. Received pain during sex (masochism)? when i can get it ya :P 107. Used nipple clips? do make-shift nipple clips count? 108. Used sex dice? nope. 109. Used whip, chains, cat-o-nine tails, etc. during sex? negative. 110. Received an electric shock during sex? EEEP no. I'm sure those people invest a lot of money to get an electric chair or electric sex dildos are really enjoying it though... (weirdo) 111. Drawn blood (scratched, bit) during sex? yeppers 112. Used auto-erotic strangulations? eep, no suffocation please. 113. Pierced your genitals or nipples? nipples... but one came out during a VERY drunken college sex night. 114. Continued sex until raw or bleeding? if it's her bleeding, it counts.. Hope you were/weren't appeased/freaked out peeps ;) Current Mood:  calmCurrent Music: No Doubt -- Simple Kind of Life | ||
| Friday, October 12th, 2001 | |||
| 12:55 am | I'm so fucking tired now. Seroquel Rx == very good sleep thing. Well, work has so lightened up.. last two days off... fucking sweet. will have R&R; and vacation soon.. stop getting bitched at here i hope... and MOFO Beth can make some fucking good Banana Bread.. that shit is GOOOOOOD. Wish you could have a piece :( Night Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: Aphex Twin -- Windowlicker | ||
| Wednesday, October 10th, 2001 | |||
| 5:37 am | When I cry, it burns the skin around my eyes; what's that say about me? | ||
| Monday, October 8th, 2001 | |||
| 2:01 pm | Well then. Ok project is fucking LOCKED DOWN. no more coding, no more art, no more Maya. Fuck the real world, we're shipping this bitch. no more 80 hour weeks, no more fucking overnighters... no more bullshit. I'm free, and in freedom, i'll look for tweak, play everquest, calm myself, look for tweak, and fucking plan to do nothing; and get paid about 1300 a week for doing this nothing (after taxes are out). So fuck all of you, fuck me, fuck dexedrine, in with methedrine, and I hope to one fucking day be free again. GOD BLESS YOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL Current Mood:  accomplishedCurrent Music: Sevendust | ||
| Friday, October 5th, 2001 | |||
| 4:44 pm | game programming. Well tomorrow is turnover and i've been working like a pair of pigs on a cadaver. I hope everything goes well. | ||
| 12:37 pm | argh Almost out of dexedrine... No it's not -abuse-, just -use- outside indicated guidelines :) No doctor apt. for 2 weeks. Fuck class II drugs with restrictions being 0 refills BLOWS Current Mood:  stressedCurrent Music: No Doubt -- Star Wars Imperial March | ||
| Sunday, September 30th, 2001 | |||
| 12:43 pm | I have now officially worked a 24 hour shift. NEW NOTE: I ended up working 31 hours, just letting everyone know :) Current Music: Incubus - Incubus - Make Yourself - 06 - | ||
| Friday, September 28th, 2001 | |||
| 6:35 pm | I don't do song lyrics often I usually hear the music and let the wisps of word slip through the frequency of the music... But today was pretty traumatic, and I find I need to say this through someone elses words. Theres a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take, making every promise empty, POINTING EVERY finger at me Waiting like a stalking butler who upon the finger rests Murder now the path called "must we" just before the sun has come. Jesus won't you fucking whistle something but the past and done? Jesus won't you fucking whistle something but the past and done? WHY CANT WE not be sober? I just want to start this over WHY CANT WE DRINK FOREVER I just want to start things over I AM JUST a worthless liar, I AM JUST an imbecile, I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a CENTER IN YOU. I will chew it up and LEAVE I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down, Mother Mary won't you whisper, something but what's past and done. Mother Mary won't you whisper, something but what's past and done. Why can't we not be so-ber? I just want to start this over... why cant we sleep forever.. I just want to start this over. ... I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well. i will FIND A CENTER IN YOU.. I WILL CHEW IT UP AND LEAVE Trust me Trust me TRUST me trust me.. Why cant we not be sober I just want to start things over Why cant we SLEEP forever I just want to start this over -=I want what I want=- Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: Tool | ||
| Thursday, September 27th, 2001 | |||
| 10:20 pm | Wow. Lesbians and I alike enjoy!  Beth prolly has it up too GRRR. Wot a hottie ;) | ||
| 12:35 am | I work a lot I worked SIXTEEN (16) hours yesterday, and im in the middle of hour THIRTEEN TODAY!#@!#! IM GONNA KILL SOMEONE IF I DONT GET SOME MORE METH! Wow! You're finished. So here's how you scored: Goth 50% Trendy 20% Alternative 50% Conclusion: Angry *and* arrogant! What a combination. You have just enough knowledge of the world to really resent it properly. HAW anyways, working a lot, not much freetime. Anyone with DirectX8 who wants to view my demos (working on particle systems and physics a lot lately) ill post a website soon with those. All you need is a half decent video card and DirectX8 from microsoft. Memory Card (8MB) (for Playstation2) is unformmatted. Do you want to format? "Since it is possible to destroy data during saving if the PlayStation2 is reset, power is turned off, electrostatic discharge, the memory card device is removed, you dipped the memory card device (8MB)(for Playstation2) in your cup of coffee, a charging rhinocerous sways from its original speedy path and sets course for your PlayStation2 game console, you and your friends are smoking a bowl and eat the memory card (8MB) (for Playstation2) your girlfriend could conveniently let you know you are not spending enough time with her by dropping your Playstation2 out of your EIGHT (8) story apartment, Jesus Christ may come back in the form of an Amish man and destroy every electric device in existance, display an appropriate message to warn the user about this." I hate corporate and I hate working so much. We'll find out our annual 'review' on the 31st of the month... possibility of a raise.. promotion.. and we find out what percent of our quarterly bonuses we get.. Rock on if i get anything. Money good, life sucks and money, BAD. Love/Hate you guys. me APPENDAGE: take the personality test yourself: Who are you? . Current Mood: accomplishedCurrent Music: Tool - Sweat | ||
| Monday, September 24th, 2001 | |||
| 4:13 pm | Without music I'd have killed myself by now Current Music: bush - machinehead | ||
| 1:28 pm | ocd It's easy to say, "it's dumb to keep on washing your hands until they bleed, STOP IT". But you wonder why the child doesn't. It's a lot more easier to follow the obssessive compulsiveness than to oppose it; to oppose it actually causes scars that are remembered more than birthdays; times you forgot to put your pants on left leg first; one time that you forgot to lock the door so you're forever destined to check them twice a night every night and to worry after that; and more of the sort. It's a lot easier to follow the obssessive habits than to fight them, because those habits are actually you, and fighting yourself leads to -dementia- :( Christopher Current Mood: sadCurrent Music: None | ||
| Sunday, September 23rd, 2001 | |||
| 5:31 pm | Somethings wrong with me I always put my headphones on but 20% of the time i forget to play music through them :\ | ||
| Friday, September 21st, 2001 | |||
| 4:17 pm | approaching apathy Which is the end :(. Current Mood:  apatheticCurrent Music: Bush -- Swallowed | ||
| 1:29 pm | Nothing special. Well I'm pretty sure I'm some kind of messed up, not that i or anyone else didnt know that. I'm prescribed dexedrine now, meth's bitch sister, which would make any normal person as hyper as a young child on 12 chocolate bars with dirttrucks and action figures going around while no mother is around to stop it. Well, it makes me concentrate and get about twice the normal amount of work done in the same amount of time I didn't really notice this until afterwards, but of course people take meth to be fast and do tasks hardcore, but I bet I could have read a book on it. I should try. I've worked 12-14 hour days every day, and no weekends. This should calm in October first. The game is called Jeremy McGrath Supercross World, for the Playstation 2, should be on shelves November first. My name will be in the credits, hell I busted balls all season just like or more than a lot of ppl on the team, of course it'd be there. In other news I'm become rather exasperated. I love my girlfriend, and I haven't loved before, but everytime i think we evolve a situation will occur that shows me if any evolution occured it has regressed, and it probably didn't occur to begin with. I almost lost it last night at work because of this. I even told my good friends i hated everyone and wish they'd die :\ argh. I may have problems, but its not of other peoples issue or concern if said problems aren't evident in relations with those people; they have no place to pick at them, try to point them out, or even say they exist. If you havent felt it or experienced it, stop talking about it. In your scope of reality they do not exist. Local scope is a bitch though, hop in my mind one day :) Anyways, I'll never stop loving Fiona, and I'm really glad I got to see her. I'm considering never going home again. I havent been there since last Christmas, and I don't like seeing people age, and my parents wont comply with me needing transportation while im down (borrowing one of the vehicles at home) so I refuse to go; call that bluff again, its no bluff. I didn't know anyone at home gave a shit about me, but i've had a few people ask when the hell i'm coming home. I wish I could still call it home, but I'm it actually gives me a little of that positive feeling when theres more than 1 person saying that they'd like to do some stuff / hang. I haven't showered since Wednesday :( I wake up at 10:30, show up for work at 10:14 (you can figure that one out), work till midnight and go home to sleep. I'll take two showers or one EXTRA long one (even tho we dont have a lot of hot water) tonight to compensate. I'd like to roll again, but I'll probably just wait the physical period agreed to to allow the body to compensate. Still I feel icky. I wish I worked at taco bell again, simple fun loving days. I mean, i was fit then, I had eaten whenever at work, and i was smiling some. Now its like... even off meth i'm not eating 2 days straight, eatting a little the next day etc... I've NEVER went a day in my life without eating, but a week or two ago from monday till sunday afternoon I ate 2 meals total, both on wednesday. I'm sick. It's ok, I'm safe from schizophrena kicking in for another 3-4 years. Let's hope I'm lucky enough to be normal :) I've written enough already. My next post will be another letter to someone. You people be safe this weekend. Christopher For those intrested, I've never had any addictions ;) I have a very addictive personality, but I hadn't had meth in a long time, and after my recent tee, havent had or needed another. Physical dependancy is not something [whatever I am] condones. "Your presence dominates the judgements made on you" *exhale* Current Mood: apatheticCurrent Music: Fiona Apple - I Know | ||
| Monday, September 17th, 2001 | |||
| 1:53 pm | aaargh Noone ever comments on my posts; I am that awful and miserable of a person? :\ Current Mood: miserable Current Music: Prodigy - Voodoo People | ||
| Saturday, September 15th, 2001 | |||
| 4:24 am | Letter to Annie Dear Annie, There;'s a lot of things you've done for me in the past; you've never known it, and might not ever. It's really difficult with me because changes in me are often dynamic and transparent, but eventually they are evident. You exposed me to a different type of person (that is you), you got me out of my own little workshed of computer and other summer antisocial practices and introduced me to Jon, and all three of us had a couple of really good summers, even IF we knocked you in the ditch a couple times :P Also;, you really made me feel confident in myself. You are probably my first true female friend; I felt very comfortable around you, never self conscious, and often liked, something I NEVER feel nowaday, from anyone.. I'm not sure why. There's an intresting mix in you, of blatant tell-it-how-it-is`ness, genuine sweetness, and just why they hell wouldnt people want to hang around someone this cool`ness :P. You moved off, and got your head dunked under involved in some things, and it was hard keeping in touch; I went off to MSMS which didn't help things. But some and rare occasions, we did make time, even if it was very randomly. Remember us doing the Sun Herald Paper Route? Spending a New Year's together from no plans while your parents were gone; it was really nice for them to have trusted me as your friend finally, not one of the rest of the male population thinking with their wangs.. you christened me your upcoming kid's Godfather, one of the few things (my memory is bad nowaday :( ) I still really remember, and will keep up to that... A few other good times happened, but alas time hit and again I was off in my thing and you yours; you moved away, and I did miss you. I probably never told you that, and I doubt you ever think about me or miss me, but I probably never let anyone know whats really going on, so who's to say. Once you came to Taco Bell over summer and i nearly died; ANNIE WTF IS UP!!! that night we bought a case of bud n a bottle, went over to your boyfriend flavor of the month's (week's?) house, and all just drank and fucking had a good night. I pull a sober (damn drunk!) call to my mom, saying i was camping at Kyles. There was nothing wrong with where I was; I just knew mom would pitch a hell of a fit had she known i was in biloxi drunk with Annie at some random dudes house... Anyways, that morning I woke up early, I dun even know if I told you bye, but I headed out, ate breakfast at mcdonald's (thinking of my dad then), and went to taco bell (prepping but not open yet) and dived through the drive-thru window James Bond style impressing everyone there and scoring my paycheck. I; haven't seen you since :( It;'s been sporadic and weird, and both of us have had some really hard and different life changes to endure with. Please babe, stay SAFE no matter what, and alive. I'd need to know you're ok, and that you're making things move in the right direction for future years... if you EVER need anything, don't hestitate to get in touch with someone who has my info... I miss yah :/ BTW: Don't forget my powers of mind reading, I'll always know what you're thinking ;) Love, Christopher PS: I really hope you'll see this letter somehow someday ;) Current Mood:  hopefulCurrent Music: None, I'm tweaking. Miss you. | ||
| 4:00 am | By the way, i have now scraped what was left behind from the scrapings of last time, which would mean i was out before, but definately out now. I need my TWEAKAGE!!! SOMEONE HELP US :\ well, us = me, but me != us; | ||
| 3:56 am | Tweakend It's just me Bondo, ready to cut another fat line here. Went to the psychiatrist today and nearly killed him. I'll talk to anyone AIM who wants too, but the details are far too personal and would make me vulnerable. I'll kill him if i ever see him though. On the other hand, I ended up getting like 50 minutes of free what turned into really good therapy stuff, and i found im on the uberlist to get a quick appt with the other doctor. Another Day another dollar. Well, I am scraping what I have together to be stable, become thin, not sleep, work forever, never have to bother the domestic units.. I've now been officially called psycho, thx a bunch, so my self esteem will never surface from the gutter. all I can say is that I wish my life would have made different turns earlier. It's too late; parents should try harder. night Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Silence (gnashing of crystals) | ||
| Thursday, September 13th, 2001 | |||
| 3:27 am | 80 hours I would say 80 hours and counting, but I may stop now; i'm falling over ;/ | ||
| Wednesday, September 12th, 2001 | |||
| 6:44 pm | This is the noise that keeps me awake. Well I'm getting ready to disown my parents. My mom has mailed yet another not nice email to me. I'm not sure why, as soon as I left for college she was very avid about mailing me really nice things. I don't get it but I dont need to; I dont need them. I haven't really eaten in 68 hours or so now, wow. I don't know how long I'll go for, but I hope to break triple digits. I'm so sorry everyone is so on my ass, but I'm really not. If I'm working fucking 60-70hr wks to push this product out the door on turnover, and I'm very fucking tired all the time, and it helps me get 5hrs of work done in 2hrs, and if I'm not eating on it, everyone can go fuck themselves. Still tweakin` ;) Still writing my 'letters' from a few posts ago, to those of you who actually read this. I'll be posting SOON. Sorry I'm such a bastard. Anyways you people in real life who dont read this need to get off my back ok damnit. Here is my spill: : the government is not there to protect you from yourself; it's there to serve you. : If you dont want to be protected at all, the government is then opressing you if it attempts to do the former. : this goes against its premise; to serve you Vote for me for Savior. Current Mood:  aggravatedCurrent Music: Garbage - Push it | ||
| Thursday, September 6th, 2001 | |||
| 1:44 pm | cool It's getting cool outside, and my reflectiveness is beginning to return. I don't know if it was because I'm so spun, the desire to be more attractive to others, or because I needed time to think, but instead of spending my normal lunch hour working (occasionallly i'll go eat for 20 mins) I walked out, and didnt stop walking. Was going to drop by the coffee shop, but they are doing inventory.. So I just thought and walked and though and walked walked thought walked, for my fucking lunchtime. I feel pretty good, the temerature is finally getting low enough for me; i'm starting to think in streams again and not be quite as manic; i replaced eating with exercise. It's good and it's not. I realize the further away i get from Beth the more I understand her, but I only am far from her when she's upset with me, and when shes upset with me understanding doesnt help. I don't know why, but I realize most of our faults are actually laid blame to me for good and true reason.. I am miserable often, and she does things to help but im still miserable... I try to do special things for her and she doesnt see, being in a different mindset at the time, and then I get totally upset and obssessive on that upsetness. I have to have resolution; she has to have time. I always need someone to understand me; yet it is impossible to understand me, not because I'm infinitely complicated, because I need it. And want is the cause of human suffering. Hopefully I'll be able to be more whole. I've found out I'm the most unbalanced person she's ever met. I had figured that out on my own, but it's a rather nasty thing to have to hear. But she was upset. My fingers are cold and my body is hot. My extremities are the parts that get cold, only the very end of them as well. I can be burning hot core in everwhere torso head blah, and really need the airconditioner, yet my fingertips and other extremities are aroun 60degrees, cold enough to make someone jump. I've never been an addict, to anything else other than computers I guess I must add, but I think I'm becoming addicted to drugs. Not any one imparticular, just not existing in my normal reference frame. If Beth ever leaves me, I'm going to try my hardest never to enter a relationship. It's fit to say some people arent meant to walk, and they are in wheelchairs. Some people aren't meant to integrate functions (calculus [math]), and those people build marvelous works of art and love. Some people aren't meant to be with others, those people are meant to be lonely. Current Mood:  indescribableCurrent Music: Beth Orton - Stolen Car | ||
| Wednesday, September 5th, 2001 | |||
| 12:53 pm | Like this is a fucking surprise, schizoid who doesnt like himself. Like this is a fucking surprise. Based on the above answer(s), your personality traits might be associated with following personality type(s): Schizotypal Personality To evaluate this further ... blah Heres the Test Results of your Self-Esteem Test Self-Esteem Index Your score = 39 According to this test, you have relatively low self-esteem. Current Mood: spun Current Music: Moby Play - why does my heart feel so bad | ||
| Tuesday, September 4th, 2001 | |||
| 7:11 pm | test test Current Music: No Doubt - Don´t Speak | ||
| Friday, August 31st, 2001 | |||
| 8:42 pm | K. well not K as in Ketamine, K as in OK, but its not really ok its E so who knows Wednesday night Beth and I decided to drop E for the first time, but I ended up working late, so I didnt get home till 9:40. Got out around 10 and dropped. Well I ask Vlad "How long does it take for E to kick in" vlad: "OH HELL". Oh hell was right. This was really fucking good shit.. I went uber psycho for about 2-3 hrs (psycho enough that vlad will never fry with me now) and made some quotes that will never be forgotten :P. Chelsea came over, woot, and started too. But noone told us that a whole stack was too much, and Beth started getting sick. She ended up throwing up about 4 times and like comatosing on the table ;/ I fed her lots and lots of water and watched her temp. Earlier though i had gone to the store with Chels and Beth to get Chels some smokes... i remember being fine until i had to stop for the counter. I was all like giving the dude 4 bucks and my license, which was bouncing at the time. i was short a quarter so i got one from chels, and came back and gave the dude my id "itsmeiswearimeancomeoniwouldntgiveyouan then when i got my license back it was rattling thin edge so hard on the table it seemed like i was making coke lines. Anyways, Chels and I like.. must have written an oral book to each other, and I was sweating pretty bad. Beth didnt get better until about 5:30, and i took my second smoke ever just to feel what it does to your lungs when you're rollin. Anyways me and Chels laid on the balcony almost all of the night, fucking chainsmoker ;) and talked and talked and... probably just talked more :P Vlad called earlier and tried to aid the situation, but he wasnt there, which would have been kind of integral. I think he asked to come over.. but i have a really bad memory so i forgot a lot. Anyways, Chels gelled me and i did the blowy thing on my forearm and was like WHOA. Chels fed me some crumbs to keep me rollin (she dropped around 1.5hrs after we did) and didnt want to roll alone (who would?). Anyways it was fucking crazy, i've NEVER been so fucking spun (earlier that night i had speed, and i was on a manic rise as it was MUAHAHAHA) and i also had the WORST FUCKING LOCKJAW, just ask Chelsea... I was grindin even when i woke up the next day. Anyways we watched some TV from 5:45 to around... 7? and we were getting sleepy, so Beth hit the bedroom and I got a pillow and blanket for chels to camp the couch... I was still grinding in my sleep. didnt wake up till 11:30, then had to email my boss and be like "DOH was up all night (which i was) cleaning vomit (did that too), will make up the hours (which im doing right now)". So it goes without saying i didnt work that day. All three of us were kinda like uhhhhh the next day, so we watched some tv and hung out until chelsea decided she smelled bad (she didnt) and left to shower. I think i didnt stop grindin till that night... around 10, and i didnt leave the house.. I looked a wreck :( thats probably why she got up and left heheh. Anyways all and all it was some rather pure MDMA shit, I was not fucking tweaking, that was goddamn good. Too bad beth had too much, she really needed to know half to start with, b/c she's pretty thin, and i dont think she ate much either. Good experience... I'll give it a 4.5/5 rainbows, maybe 5/5 next time when the circle massage and other things happen, and when im not afraid of my Bethie diein ;/ Wow. I'm sure i left out details. In other news, I want a Butch Dyke Barbie too :( #3 is a damn cutie. And I ate too much ;/ I need some lovins i think. Random not am I, special I am. Christopher (another 3 hrs before my 14 hr work day ends) Current Mood: KnwGkacla Current Music: fiona apple - Sleep To Dream | ||
| Wednesday, August 29th, 2001 | |||
| 7:31 pm | SimplyAesis (7:10:35 PM): my neurotransmitters piss in the same liquid they swim in; thats whats wrong with me Goddamn I like seafood :) Current Mood: lazyCurrent Music: Fiona Apple - Criminal | ||
| 5:34 pm | The most least random of a note kind, now 14 at september. Heres the list of dr00gs I've been on that i could remember in a few minutes of thought: Buspar, Depakote(Divalproex), Klonopin (clonazepam), Neurontin, Paxil, Prozac, Risperdal, Seroquel, Wellbutrin. I've refused Lithium because it makes you fat. Anyways, its that and all that is what is always will never want. Current Mood:  pensiveCurrent Music: Moby - My Weakness | ||
| Sunday, August 26th, 2001 | |||
| 2:21 pm | Work on Work off Well my last post crashed the posting tool. I'll synopse here. Basically - I'm working an average of 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. 70+ hrs fo you non mathmaticians I feel bad for not having any letters written yet, but they are made to be special so i'm not going to press them on time. Vlad and I got drunk last night, I got virtual pool 3 off a VERY hard to get on warez site, and he found out what bondo "hustle-mode" was I'm starting to slim up, but I hate exercise. Beth and I hiked for two and a half hours on monday. Gonna roll for the first time with a good friend of mine sometime soon :) Will let everyone know how that is -- Theres definately definately definately no logic, to human behavior. Current Mood:  touchedCurrent Music: Aphex Twins - Windowlicker | ||
| 2:16 pm | work on, work off Well I'm still writing my letters, those of you who read my journal. I was hoping to make them special, so they aren't being rushed altough I wish I would have had one up by now. In other news, I'm working hardcore. like, 10 hours a day, 7 days a week. For those without arithmetic skills, its around 70+ hours a week. And I'm on salary. If i can squeeze one in, i plan on putting an easter egg in the game somewhere (easter eggs are hidden screens and things put in by a game programmer when the right code or controller sequence is hit.) I'll have friends from OS, Richard D James, maybe an lj reference. the more liberal i get though, the more hidden it has to be. In other news, I'm getting fucking slimmer. /cheer slim, /boo exercise. Beth and I went hiking about 2 and a half hours last monday, and it really whipped me. We may go again soon.. but I have a feeling I'm going to be running not outside, but running 20 work days straight and stuff. Beta is on the 31st of this month, and turnover is 1st of October I hope our game doesnt suck. I wish I knew more to say. It's Sunday Bloody Sunday, and I'm at fucking work. I may get my first roll on soon with a cool friend of mine up here, and I'll DEFINATELY post how that is (when it happens). Oh yah, and i got fucking DRUNK last night and played virtual pool 3 (that I scavenged off a goddamn HARD to get on warez site) all fucking night. Vlad learned what 'hustle-mode' was :). --Theres definately definately definately no logic to Human Behavior Current Mood: touchedCurrent Music: Aphex Twins - Windowlicker | ||
| Thursday, August 16th, 2001 | |||
| 1:19 pm | Letters to you I decided to write letters to people I know. Most of the recipients will never read the letter; they may be dead, alcoholic, or just who exactly that I know (other than the obvious few) actually use the internet a decent amount. No big deal, its more of me conforming my thoughts into words than anything else, in an attempt to stabilize my existance into equilibrium. I'm thinking about moving to France and being a janitor or something if I don't get a promotion in September. I mean, I really goddamn deserve an increase in pay. Anyways I don't know why France, and I definately don't want to be a janitor.. but I know (a good bit of) Spanish Latin and Russian, and I always said I wouldn't learn French because I didnt like it. Maybe I'll emerce in oral and aural language, and learn that way. I've also started getting even more trim.. I don't know what I'll do, no i don't. Current Mood: ambitious Current Music: future sound of london - we have explosive | ||
| Tuesday, August 14th, 2001 | |||
| 11:12 am | Thoughts embedded without time or space I cannot possibly expound on my emotional state. I'm STILL not awake, and I drove 14 minutes to work like that... right now nothing on anything except music. Heres some of the playlist for the day. Ani Difranco - Gravel Beth Orton - Central Reservation (then and again) Beth Orton - Stolen Car Bjork - Human Behavior (maybe its another version) Chemical Brothers - Loops of Fury Chemical Brothers - The Sunshine Underground Crystal Method - Keep Hope alive. Fiona Apple - Limp Fiona Apple - Fast as you can lots more Fiona :) Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet with Butterfly Wings Smashing Pumpkins - Zero Anyways I'll probably post later with more intellectual thoughts, that better correspond with the title of this post than with the music I'm listening too... Current Mood: tiredCurrent Music: Fiona Apple - Fast As You Can | ||
| Monday, August 13th, 2001 | |||
| 4:33 pm | Datasheet on a -Christopher Bond- I'm just a boring person. for those who care this is me... some of me. =Basics= *Full name: Christopher Bond ****** *Height: 5'11 *Weight: still need to lose a couple :) *Birthdate: 6/27/82 *Age: physical 19 mental 27 *Sex: sometimes more grief than its worth *Eyes: grey green and blue *Hair: Brunette *Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Girlfriend, Beth *School grade: single semester college dropout *School average: graduated high honors.. *Current residence: Salt Lake City, Utah *Dream vacation: Sweden *What do you look for in your 'significant other': someone who has a chance and understanding me. beauty. wit. *Are you a virgin?: Nope. *Do you do drugs/drink: I'm a substance fiend. I drink, therefore, I am. =Favorites= *Color: Black. used to be yellow *Food: I like meat a lot. Good meat. Mexican and Italian are good *Music: Fiona Apple, the chemical brothers, ani difranco, jewel, aphex twin, crystal method.. so much. *Past time: Thinking, being miserable. *Movie: I really like Pulp Fiction, A Clockwork Orange, and some other good films. *Song: Fiona Apple, goddamn a lot of her songs. Ani Difranco, Gravel. =Least Favorites= *Color: yellow pisses me off some now.. not sure *Food: mushrooms ( cant eat them :( ) *Music: country *Past times: being around people like me *Movie: Exotica *Song: tons of them, dont make me start *Last time reading a book: 10th grade Last time watching tv: Last night, sex in the city and 6 feet under :) *Went Outside: when i drove to work today *At school: december 2000 *Cried: Today probably :/ *Did something Illegial: Contributing to the delinquency of a minor in my household :) *Saw a movie: last night... monty python and the holy grail *Talked on the phone: goddamn telemarketers *Went to a friends: I only have a couple friends in Utah, and they don't let me go to their homes :| Drove a car: to work this morning =Have you ever?= *Shouted in a quiet room, just to make some noise: YES *Danced in the shower: I can't dance *Sung in the shower: when i was younger been in the shower with someone else: The best kind of showers :) *Played dress up: No comment. Have someone make you cry: Today... *Made someone cry: Noone cries b/c of me.. *Hurt by someone: Today *Hurt someone: Probably yesteday, unintentionally *Snuck out: Never needed to *Done something Illegial: Every hour. *Spied on someone: never had the need to *Had erotic thoughts: Have them all the time.. but not those weirdo male fantasies about some woman wanted to just hop on your lap.. real ones with depth. =Misc= *Who's your loudest friend: No loud friends up here ;/ *Your quietist: Chelsea hehe *Craziest: Vlad-o or myself. *Sanest: Amanda *Siblings: one sister, 9 or 10 i think *Pets: Two kittens *Last song listened to: Smashing Pumpkins -- Bullet with Butterfly Wings *Last thing watched on tv: Six Feet Under *What were you doing before taking this survey: Talking to people on AIM, working *What will you do when your done: work some more.. *What was the happiest moment of your life: When I died. *The saddest: When I was given intelligence. =Opposites= *Black or white: black *Sweet or Sour: Sweet :) *Comedy or Drama: Drama *Outside or Inside: Inside *Water or Soda: Coke (diet) *Coffee/hot chocolate: coffee *CD/Cassette: CD *DVD/VHS: DVD *Light/Dark: Dark *Men/Women: Women *Kids/Pets: Pets FAVORITES... *shampoo: anything that smells good. *Gel or mousse: Gel. *Soap: I hate soap. *Toothpaste: Whitening of most any major brand *Type of sandwich: Mayonnaise, coldcuts, tomato. pickles too *Milk or chocolate milk: chocolate milk anyday *Cold or hot: COLD *Day or night: Night *Here or there: There *Red or blue: Blue *Jeans or cords: no pants *Wool or cotton: Cotton *Stripes or solid: Solid *New or old: New *Villain: my family DO YOU... *Wear eye shadow: like once or twice in my life :P *Have a goldfish: No *Have a dog: No *Want a tattoo, and where: I'm a piercings guy *Have a computer in your room: Two *Have any regrets: being born *Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: girlfriend *Crush: I have a girlfriend, what are yah trying to do get me kicked out :P *Do you have a best friend: They are all gone :( *Do you rank your speed dial in order of your favorites: never programmed it *Who's your funniest friend: Kyle *Who do you e-mail the most: myself, really. (usually info notes hehe im not THAT psycho) *Who do you go to the mall with the most: Used to be Mateo *Who have you known the longest: myself, duh *Whose parents do you know the best: probably my own *Who do you go to for advice: I need someone for advice *Who do you get the most surveys from: nowhere.. *Who knows all your secrets? I need someone to tell secrets to also :P *Who do you cry with: alone IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU... *Cried: yes *Cut your hair: No *Worn a bathing suit: nope *Bought something: wendy's *Been sarcastic: i hate sarcasm *Gone for a walk: nope *Said "I love you": yah.. *Felt stupid: of course *Met someone new: no *Written in a journal: this will count won't it? *Watched your favorite movie: nope. DO YOU BELIEVE IN... *God/Devil: you are your own devil. *Yourself: I don't have any self confidence. *Your friends: what friends *Aliens: unknown *Love: my heart has not been unbroken heh *Destiny: you create it. *Signs: Yes *The Closet Monster: nope. *One person for everyone?: i wish Current Mood: gloomyCurrent Music: Beth Orton - Central Reservation (The Then Again Version) | ||
| Thursday, August 9th, 2001 | |||
| 1:08 pm | Another day another dollar Forgive me for I have sinned. I've been nonstop pumping myself with all sorts of drugs, from ethanol to ephedra and more... Alpha is past, working toward beta and then turnover.. I've been feeling extra not good lately... Hope i don't snuff it all out like poor Alex tried. I'm not prone to addiction, I just dont like myself. So I smother in every available substance for (obvious temporary) suffocation of my mind. I found out my IQ when tested was 146 when i was 6. Chronological age 6-3, mental age 9-4 they said. Finally got my papers i've wanted to see from my mom for 10 years. Maybe this explains some.. puts me at above the 99th percentile, I know that. it was the Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scale Form L-M if anyone is interested or is a psychologist. Anyways, I'm going to apply for MENSA, one more thing to put on my resume before I die. Not like that makes more people come to the funeral. Haven't eaten in over 24 hours. worked out the past few nights with Beth, did some walking running and situps. Getting into shape again. Went clothes shopping, got some very cool clothes. and some Candies for Men. smells very good. "Maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not going to stop me from having fun" Current Mood:  sickCurrent Music: The Dust Brothers - Single Serving Jack | ||
| Tuesday, July 31st, 2001 | |||
| 1:22 pm | Right or Wrong I want to suffer for my sins Goddamn I feel kinda good. Endorphin kick probably. Anyways I'm chilling at work, thinking about things. Instability, future, hate, and past... and love. I can't wait until I can just one day wake up and be born again in the light of a functional right brain :) I plan on composing lots of music, techno industrial and female vocals stuff. I'm so ready to just immerse myself. I hold myself back. My family misses me, and some of my friends, but I don't plan on going back unless I have my own method of transportation. I just cannot do it. It's not going to happen then. In other news my friends band is closer and closer to getting signed, which is great. Can't wait until things just emerge. Whisps of energy woven by wind flow through my transparent body as my mind syncronizes on the rhythm of the world; I procede to exist. -- And maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not going to stop me from having fun. Current Mood:  energeticCurrent Music: Fiona and Ani and femmes :) | ||
| Monday, July 23rd, 2001 | |||
| 2:41 pm | 8lbs lighter and 8cents closer to suicide I'm wondering what makes everyone's lives so close to misery? Almost everyone I know seems to be totally miserable, even if I don't have contact with them (no Midas Touch). So I'm not very sure whats going on, but why can't the world's variables and vectors be aligned to whereas a lot of content and good life can be happening? sure shit happens all the time, but it seems that most of the world doesn't like the job they are working at, the husband or wife they are married to, the addictions they have succumbed to, et cetera.. I mean the world is how it is for a reason, let it be reason or spiritual structure of life or whatever. So if it's like that, does an avalanche of misery actually bring the world into an exponential curve of misery, or isn't it supposed to be a balance, where a flower dies another is born, or in other terms the Karma theory? Seems like Karma's had constipation for the last 20 months in my life, I've done some bad things which have came back to me, but the good things also come back to me in negative energy; yes time and patience blah are variables, but a pool of electrons are surrounding me and i need some LSD. Current Mood:  irateCurrent Music: NTSC 60Hz (TV blank) | ||
| Friday, July 20th, 2001 | |||
| 3:00 pm | Sometimes. I know I went off in the last post.. maybe memories from now on will go in the memories cabinet of LJ. Anyways Music is key to me as well because its one of the few variables that can consistently alter my mood, otherwise my moods are on the parallel of an autistic kid's actions... but that kid can be stimulated through various rare things specific to him. And that's my emotion. Miserable and loving it, happy and worried, or just spiteful.. My moods are Autistic. And I need someone to help. Another dreary weekend. /wave Current Mood: Apathetic&worried;&empowered; Current Music: Ani DiFranco - 01 gravel.mp3 | ||
| Thursday, July 19th, 2001 | |||
| 4:35 am | Very long post incoming, just becareful when reading on. Just a lot of things I've been thinking about. I regret almost everything I ever do... pissing my parents off, not working enough on the house when it was being built, going to Ole Miss, dropping out of Ole Miss to be up here.. being committed.. choosing life. It all stabs me in the back with painful (actually joyful) memories of times ago that I couldn't enjoy during the time. I'm really missing the old OS scene. I really thought I was some dick who nobody really liked or whatever, and was really crazy all the time, but people have let me know different without me even querying it. I miss Matt and bitching at his parents and waving at people in random cars, hunting the mall for hot people with 0% luck in like 403 tries (maybe not that many), I miss Kyle and camping out at his shitty trailer and going from him treating us to everything to my taco bell job paying for everything... I miss us getting pulled over by the cops in east elementary parking lot.. shooting of fireworks trying to kill each other.. I miss Kyle Matt and I going to the grand arcade and being the few post 14 yr olds there, and playing air hockey and nearly decapitating children... aggravating Kyle's gambling compulsion and developing one of my own. Told you this'd be gay and boring. I miss working at Winn Dixie even... something enjoyable, I had been forced to work out every afternoon with Jason and Jeff, and I hated every minute of it but got into decent shape. I miss those two, and Ricky, and my first real drinking and smoking.. And David, I wish I could talk to him.. missed his fucking wedding like a dick b/c I didn't find out the date until afterward. Theres a ton of shit... I mean goddamn.. I miss Amanda Howard, if it weren't for her (I was still a huge female vocalist fan) I wouldn't have started listening into Ani harder and folk and crazy shit.. I miss Amber, she was a bunch of fun and rather optimistic at almost all times.. goddamn the times she let me come over and hang out when her mom would have (and I guess did once) kicked her ass for having me over. And I suck at tennis but I believe I won one of the few times we played :) (She probably had a hurt ankle :P I still take full credit.) She's a good girl, it's too bad I was a dick on the wrong day to her. The I'm a dick syndrome comes up in many places :) Larry is someone who I actually wish was around more often. We were always at each others throats, and in some way I think we were there for each other. Maybe not. I just like the guy and hope he doesn't get kicked out of the minority program in CalTech :P The Supreme Court says gays are not a minority, but mexicans are, so you get to slip by :) John Michael is still back at Ole Miss, probably having a blast with the Sorority girls. They really liked him :). Anyways we spent a good bit of time in highschool and a ton at college talkin the deep talk, the corazon a corazon. He's a good guy too. In a different way than Larry tho ;P If it weren't for Larry I wouldnt be into techno probably, he introduced it to me in 9th grade Mr. Mason's biology. I'm ranting because my memory is so awful I don't want to forget these later and have nothing to remember them with. If i ever get music put out, it's because he started the roots. I miss Soukup. He's a parallel at being a dick, but when we all smoked he was as cool as the rest of us. Which reminds me of another story, that all you ppl (ok you 3 ppl :P) who read this and dont know me irl wont remember because you werent there.. The easter egg incident in the drunk buggycart in Super Walmart of D`Iberville.. Haw I must have looked like one stupid bastard high and maybe a bit drunk in the shopping cart.. Then when we dueled the fishing stabber thingies, that could have gotten messy had a 'Customer Service Representative' not assisted us with putting our newfound toys back. Serves them right I ate their fucking easter snickers eggs. Hell, it's too bad that fucked up shit happened over Christmas, because even though we're both the same which means we'd still hate each other, Kaellie was cool too. I'd like to see what she turns into :). [hope that didn't sound weird, not that you're not developed or something now but in terms of what happens in the future] Kyle needs a Juno106, when he get's settled its all his, and we're doing techno remixes of Star Wars shit :P and then I can look all dumb while he does all the figuring out on the Juno and I'm playing in Cakewalk or Hoyle Casino haw. Just other shit, I'll miss being in Matt's room.. dunno why. All we ever did was plan for the next minute an entrance of Matt's dad speaking to me indirectly, "myath Chris needs to go home now." WTF I'm sitting here, tell it to ME. Like 400 trips later they figured out i'll bitch at them so they can tell me to leave in 1st person :). And driving through their yard and peeling out EVERY time his parents pissed me off, goddamn ask ChibiMateo how many times I did that. I'm glad I inspire 'craziness' wherever I go.. I heard when I left [i.e. was kicked out] of MSMS the next year was quite calmer.. Amber and someone else who I forget said shit isn't wack or crazi anymore now that i'm gone.. I'm not trying to give myself any credit, thats' probably wrong, but don't forget when we were THE ONLY WHITE PEOPLE except for FUBU in all of BLACK SPRING BREAK! Mom we're going to the movies 'stay the fuck outta that mess over there'. Turns out Amber matt and I went to the Spring Break.. busted out classical 90.3 and black tunes back and forth... got some props got some disses by others. But no threats, even let people start entering the car and hitting on Amber... don't ask me how, but I sat on top of my car while this went on. Very trusting you say with a started car? Negative, traffic was netting about .25mph. It was pretty fun :) I broke the transmission in the MIDDLE of black spring break, aiding in the congesture of the highway. some Retarded navy fucks ripped up my steering wheel which is still fucked from then, wtf dude you're retarded. Some highway patrolman came by and fixed (temp) in like 10 secs. Goddamn armed services. Don't come near my car with yo ghetto services. I miss going and doing lights and stuff for Jason's band. I miss Vika, of whom none of you know and she'll never see this so theres no reason to write except my own memory.. one of the few good friends I had at Ole Miss.. She's in Ukraine now.. maybe she'll be back :) Goddamnit I've been writing for half an hour or something.. oh well shit needs to be said. Music is key for me. My memories lie in music, when I hear songs I remember things I cannot otherwise.. I'm ok smartwise but I can't hear worth a shit nor remember anything, two big deals... it's awful. Amanda inspired Ani, Matt inspired the entire punk movement, couldnt get into much ska still to this day, its just me, but NOFX is in my mp3 library and other stuff thanks to him.. Kyle, Kyle helped me with Tina appreciation year, which is an annual event, and I actually started enjoying Rent. Jason helped me into Tool and other type bands. My ex helped me into Sarah M, and my current into more ambient music and techno, Beth Orton, and stuff between. Sam with that one goddamn long song that lasted forever and we NEVER finished it b/c we got too high, Tom's Diner or something... Jesus it was forever long. I miss a ton of this stuff.. the craziness I used to be --= Left turn from a right turn lane on a red light with oncoming traffic =--, thats all I have to say :) EVERYONE knows my driving stories, and the Buick has the scars to show it. Matt was with me for both nipple piercings, i think he saw part of the second one.. I mean these are some of the defining times in my life and I'm forgetting them, and I didn't mean to or want to leave this life behind me.. everything seemed different when I came home at Christmas.. everyone was Rocky'ing, and finally admitted they were gay (but noone sent me a tshirt or email :P), peoples agendas had changed.. I was definately out of the loop, and it sucked. The thing is we can't return to these good times again. And I don't ever have good times, I'm often miserable at the time a memory is saved that I love upon later on in time.. why couldn't I enjoy the moment? Why didn't I not be a dick at times.. well the whole dick typish thing is explained like 10 posts ago or something thats a long post. So I wont go into that here. I'm so very tired of being lonely as well. I know it sounds whiny and pansy-ish due to the american standard of stoic maledom, but I am. "Number of times I have had my heart broken: 365 times a year. you don't have to be in love to get your heart broken, you just have to care when someone doesn't care back." It's not that I dont try, its that I'm nuts. I want to see better things happen to those I influenced than has happened to me.. not that i'm in some shithole or whatever, I'm kinda well-to-do in terms of money.. but fuck being able to buy shit, you gotta have fun too. My few words of advice to a few people (I know I talk in circles sorry :( ) Matt: Check out college, seriously. I beg of you to purchase a car even if its old.. Hopefully you'll get a mutation of who I was when I had got my car and hung out with you guys, NO dont drive that crazy, just be able to be freely and move about independantly.. its a huge deal. Try not to obsess on women, I do the same but try not to. At least acknowledge the fact. Throw a guy or two into the mix too, get the feeling on. Independance. Kyle: Find your niche. You've got acting talent, and you mix well with people. You've got music on your side too. Just make sure you've got a place to stay and you're not drinking as often as me :). If some bullshit ever happens down there and you need a place, its goddamn far away, but you've got a room in my house. Jason: Stick with the band and college, one will definately work out. Try to see other peoples perspective. John Michael: No STD's from sorostitutes. Try and be happy, even if you need to transfer. Amber: Goddamn you seemed happy anyways :P WTF am I supposed to say.. make sure deepness and reflection is put into a routine. Goddamn i sound like a fucking therapist or horoscope. This is why I hate people knowing what I'm thinking, I hate being judged and evaluated, especially by myself. Larry: Find a guy with the dicksize of ron Jeremy. Not that you'd let him use it :) Graduate and surpass me in terms of happiness once more. Ok jesus fucking christ I've written a lot. Master Grill, Reed, and uberpots of coffee. Jesus christ I remembered Reed going off one night about druids and spirituality and power and blahshit until 4am.. I was starting to believe it until I got into my car and the caffeine started wearing off and I slapped myself into my senses after he tried to get me to take a ride with him like every other boy every other time. It was goddamn late, probably after work too. Sorry reed, no soup for you [ever!]. You guys keep it real. There may be an appendice to this, but it will be editted and refined and less redundant, b/c who wants appendicitis. Christopher Bond Current Mood: reflective Current Music: A. Chemical Brothers - Out Of Control, and tons of other tunes | ||
| Tuesday, July 17th, 2001 | |||
| 11:51 am | Ok Well I should have wrote this yesterday, but didnt.. I lit my foot on fire in competition the the accidental lighting of my hand on fire a couple weeks ago... 151 is VERY combustable, so dont play around sparks :P Rod : "Hey how yah doing" Bond: "Frine." Rod : " Fine eh?" Bond: "OK I'm hungover as fuck, jees" <-- I still sounded drunk Rod : "If you're still hungover at 4pm (omg that was late) I'd hate to see how hungover you were this morning" Bond : "Well here let me explain this to you.. Umm well I was laying down, and I was laying down and thought 'it feels really good i'm going to lay back down'. Then I was sitting in my office staring at a computer screen..." Bond : "Goddamn I hope I didn't leave my car at home." Anyways once I get some tweak I'll be good. That was the most persistant headache I think I've ever had. Current Mood: apatheticCurrent Music: SNL - Celebrity Jeopardy - Sean Connery, Calista Flockhart, Nicholas Cage - The PenIs Mightier | ||
| Monday, July 16th, 2001 | |||
| 11:58 am | GODDAMN :P (not the normal miserable post :) ) Ok for a much more cheery post I'm having an uberhangover at work.. My buddy Vlad came over and me Beth and Vlad ended upo watching HBO sitcom-age (6 feet under and Sex in the City, not that Arliss shit) and Vlad kept on fucking pouring the Bacardi 151 shots for us... I mean WTF :P I'm totally wasted at work and had to drive that way, I didn't realize i was so tore (I guess I was thinking I was tired?) up until I had got to work. Even though fucked up shit happened there my last time home, I miss OS... Mayb because most of my friends were there and now moving on. I've never had many friends but the few I had are now college or highway bound. I kinda miss my parents b/c I obsess on them dieing.. even though they are like 40 and in good living, I just dwell on that all the time. It's kinda shitty today, I have to be more miserable than usual but in the joyful wasted at a professional workplace kind of way. Can anyone help me? :P Jesus, next time I'm taking the day off like Vlad :P Current Mood:  drunkCurrent Music: Again, the sound of my brand new 20" Powerfan my boss bought me b/c its so goddamn hot with broke ac. No music ;-( if there was it would be Tool - Ænema | ||
