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Wednesday, August 8th, 2001
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9:36 pm - madness
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So acouple nights ago I had a dream....
I was in a gym durring a pep rally or something, and everwhere was a 5 inch thick coating of squashed bananas. My pet cow (why I had one I know not) was in a tank in the middle of the gym up to her neck in squashed banana. I remember trying to get her out. In the back ground were the popular girls and they were laughing at me and my poor cow as I tried helplessly to get banana off her. She didn't seem to bothered by it. Then all of a sudden I was outside on a road...and I slid downhill on my belly in squashed banana. All the popular kids were loitering at the bottom of the hill. I ignored them and walked off..probablyto look for my cow or something. I walked down and I wanted to get home. One of the guys in the group (the cute dark haired one) hailed a bus and I ran after him to get on. He was trying to scam someone out of a seat becasue there was no room for him. So as I'm walking onto the bus he's walking off and he says there's no room. so I walk in and boldly tell the lady in front...I HAVE FUCKING BANANA CAKED INTO MY HAIR. I WANT A SEAT. So someone got up and left the bus for me. so me and the cute guy with dark shaggy hair sat down. Then some valley girl on the bus looked at us covered in banana and said "OH MY GOD you two need to move to LA or NY and find something better to do" so I told her "SHUT UP! Do not talk again" and she did. I tried to strike up a conversation with cute boy but he was all pissy and told me "LOOK, DON'T TALK TO ME." No this is probably a reflection of my vanity but after he said that, he looked at me and said "do you have any idea how beautiful you are" and that was the end of the dream. I don't know if I got my cow out of her banana. My poor cow. Everyone was laughing at her.
So isn't that like..the fucking dream from hell?
Rian's input
i'm not sure. if it were me, the banana would be smooshed good intentions cause everything i start, ends up wrong, or not the way i intended at all. maybe for you though, it's just unpleasent memories, coating everything in muck.
from this I replied
You know...I never even tried to figure it out. I just look at books. I dunno. I'm not very smart about interpreting things like that. It's probably my inefficiency and lazyness and the popular kids are all the people I want to impress seeing everything I've wanted to do but never done. and lauging at me as I try to clean it all off of what i want my future accomplishments to be. I haven't a fucking clue. Who is the dark haired cutie that won't talk to me because I'm pretty? and why did I tell off two people on the bus? I dunno.
and then...
LOL..I read in my crappy dream dictionary...
cows- representing the female side of one's nature, expecially the easy self-giving of oneself and body to others.
Banana- male penis (as opposed to a female penis?). taking one or handling one to someone signifies a desire to recieve or have sexual relation. Man eating one may mean homosexual tendencies.
Great..So if this means anything. I'm a feminazi who wants to get pureed maleness off of my femininity.
Melissa's input was...
Ok to start off I think the cow was Hank and you trying to save the cow was you trying to insure that Hank is safe and happy!! because the cow didnt seem to care about what was going on I think it means that Hank will love you no matter what and he wont hate you because you have to go! My book says cows and bannanna's are lucky!! Im not sure about the bannanna's it mit represent the feeling you have tward the whole girlfriend taking over thing!!!! because its an uncomfortable situation!! but im not sure thats jsut a guess! But I do think the popular peeps laughing has to do with the fact that you dont fit into the cookie cutter teenage girl thing!! ( thank god!!) there are a 100000 girls like Katie but only a few like you!(I love katie to death but its true) and the way the girls treated you and your cow is how scocity looks down on other for not following the grain!! The part about the bus is a sign about you leaving I think its telling you its a good choice to leave where you are! and how you yelled at the peeps on the bus means that with you leaving you will find a new kind of indpendance! You following the cute guy on the bus is your disire to meet someone who makes you want to be wiht them and follow them anywhere!! and him saying that you are beautyful is you telling you what you need to realize that you are a beautyful person and also that your heart disires someone to love and soem one to treat you right and say thinks like your beautyful!!
*sigh*
current mood:  amused
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| Tuesday, July 24th, 2001
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11:34 pm - I'M STILL HERE...YAY!...for now.
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Huge heart to heart with Mr.Man. This is totally what we needed. We did it out in public so he wouldn't start lecturing and we wouldn't get over emotional or start yelling. I talked he listened. He heard. I'm going to move to Mass.Clarity, a plan, understanding. Could I ask for anything more? Motivation. I feel much better. It sucks packing though. I haven't called Mom yet. She'll be happily pissed. As usual. Or angrily thrilled. Which ever. I love my mom, but I don't know her very well. Not well enough to understand her. It'll be nice to see her again.
current mood: OVER-fucking-JOYED
current music: U2
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| Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
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9:54 pm - This very well could be my last entry
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My dad gave me an ultimatum. I have to figure out a legitimate plan within the next 24 hours or I'm gettin shiped out on the next flight to NH so I can inconvenience my grandparents like I've been inconveniencing my dad for the past 3 years. The problem is...anything that I would want to do would not be concidered a legitimate plan by my father. I just hope the flight to NH has a connecting flight so I can get off and enjoy my life as a reckless, homeless youth. Whatever happens I have the weird feeling that I'll be okay. I'm sure everyone feels that way. It's my unhealthy combination of ego an imagination. I think I'm destined for something I'm not. Frankly I could care less. Really. I know that's bad. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way...or should I? How the hell should I feel? I've been wanting this for so long.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Garbage
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| Thursday, July 19th, 2001
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5:14 pm - Rians Tarot reading for Amanda
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your major problem right now is you feel isolated. Like you don't have any options open, no paths to follow. Sure you recognize the paths before you, but you don't feel like you can take them. In all of these possibilities you see before you, you feel very alone. Like, "sure i could take that path, or this one, but i'll still be alone". You have a feeling of exhaustion that permeates you. You could take some of these paths, but feel too tired to try. Your soul/mind is tired from over thinking everything. AND YOU DO OVER THINK THINGS. Your spirit is hidden by your over thinking. Your energy is waisted on thought, and not action. And the key to overcoming this all is to act. To stop thinking about all those paths, and choose one. Go with your gut instincts, what feels right, not what you THINK sounds like the best plan. The resolution to your whole mess is you'll stop expecting too much from yourself. You'll be satisfied with yourself. finaly you'll stop projecting your self, to yourself.
current mood:  pensive
current music: Steely Dan
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12:20 am - *sigh*
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So I went to send an email to my friend, because she lets me vent and is just the walking epitome of wonderfullness. I swear to god. I must have sent this thing about 12+ times. For some reason our emails never make it to each other. She has sent me some, but she had to send them multiple times. I guess 12+ times equals too much effort on my behalf so I stopped. So now that Rose hasn't heard me vent, who do I share it with? YOU SCHLEPS! haha. so here is the email and all of the little complaints in between forwards.
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Hi Rose,
Just wanted to pester you with what is pestering me. Cuz ? you're so sweet and life just isn't fair.
So I actually told my dad something about my plans, well the most formulated of my plans anyhow. The RV We saw at the briars patch. Well, I told him that I thought that would be a cool idea. I would have a car and a home attached. I'd be able to keep Hank. Super. He told me what a bad idea it was because RV's go for 60,000 dollars plus. So, a 4,750 dollar RV would cost me around 10,000 because of repairs.
He also went on about how he didn't want it to end this way between us yada yada and where he went wrong and what he should have made me do. Told me that he couldn't help me and that the RV was a stupid way to go. So basically he can't do anything but be negative and say he's being realistic. GGGgggggggrrrrrr.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah.....ME!
So how is Ann? Did you give her a big hug for me and tell her I'm glad she's getting laid? You're so great. Thanks.
MAILER-DAEMON
Your e-mail is being returned to you because there was a problem with its
delivery.
I HATE THE INTERNET. New means of communication my ASS. I've sent this to you like, 8 times.
MAILER-DAEMON
Your e-mail is being returned to you because there was a problem with its
delivery.
*think positive Amanda. postive positive positive* GOD I LOVE LOVE LOVE AOL. I really do. It makes me HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY because It works so WELL WELL WELL. I really LIKE LIKE LIKE when my emails go through JUST LIKE this email that I am sending now. Sometimes I get so EXCITED EXCITED EXCITED about how WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL AOL is that I just want to do something nice for the president of the company like SHOOT HIM IN HIS FUCKING HEAD. Uh, excuse me. I meant...give him a hug...You can see how those two things sound alike right? sometimes I get so caught up in how AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME AOL is that I get really confused and say things I don't mean. AOL is GREAT GREAT GREAT. It gets the job done. :-D big fucking smiles here.
MAILER-DAEMON
Your e-mail is being returned to you because there was a problem with its
delivery.
Okay...LAST TIME. I Have prayed to the almighty Internet goddess in excess for strength of spirit, wisdom and whatever I need basically. This is the LAST TIME I am going to send this before I gracefully, delicately, and femininely toss my computer off the balcony like the good little modern day goddess that I am becoming and aspire to be. I am visualizing my mail going through. You have received the e-mail. You are opening it. You are reading it. You are responding. You are sending your response. It is going through. It has landed safely in my mailbox. Blessed be the goddess.
needless to say, she never recieved the e-mail.
current mood:  irritated
current music: Garbage- Milk wicked mix
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| Monday, July 16th, 2001
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2:23 am - I got so very lost today.
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My friend called me but I wasn't there at the time so, she decided to have a long talk with my father and tell him EVERYTHING I've been telling her for the past couple weeks. I came into the house and saw him on the phone. He said "FUCK YOU" to me in a low hateful voice When he hung up the phone he walked up to me and told me what she said to him and then told me that I had 3 weeks to get my shit together and get out.
Of course I called this friend back and she told me that she had something for me. I said "oh" and asked her if that's why she called and she said "yes".
Apparently I wasn't as excited as she wanted me to be because she hung up on me. I walked to her house to see what was up and she told me that I had pissed her off because she only called to cheer me up. How is it that someone calls to cheer you up and manages to fuck you over without even understanding that they fucked you over and then expect you to be thrilled about it and hang up on you when you're not?
I tried not to be mad and even told her I wasn't. I'm not really. I told her I was glad she ratted me out because it gave me the excuse I needed to leave. The only real reason that I'm not mad at her is because I don't want to blame other people for my problems. I don't want to be monetarily dependant on others and I don't want a scapegoat. Even if they are partly at fault. It's really MY fault for telling her, but I am upset that I can't trust her with anything I say anymore. It also would have been nice to have been able to tell my father everything by myself when the time was right like I had originally planned.
My dad has changed his mind and is giving me more than 3 weeks. I'm applying at a few places. I hope I can get a job and save some money before I go. Not necessarily $7,000, but more than I have right now.
NOW....for my options. I can either stay here. Go back to New Hampshire or just hitch a ride to anywhere and be homeless. I have Not a clue.
current mood:  sad
current music: saliva? I don't know. some band that I don't like.
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| Friday, July 13th, 2001
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7:13 pm - whine, bitch, complain, groan, cry, piss, moan
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I fucked up...BAD. Huge misconception on my part...deleted entry out of respect for the victomized. I suck so much right now.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: Prick is playing in my head
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| Monday, July 2nd, 2001
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7:37 pm
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HalcyonDreamland: What are you doing?
MOXIEGIRL11: picking up the kitchen a little bit.
HalcyonDreamland: Thats very nice of you
HalcyonDreamland: Do you have a spatula
HalcyonDreamland: Spatulas are cool
HalcyonDreamland: I like how they look and their names
MOXIEGIRL11: you name your spatulas?
HalcyonDreamland: No
MOXIEGIRL11: I knew you had issues.
HalcyonDreamland: I like the name spatula
MOXIEGIRL11: I don't believe you.
HalcyonDreamland: I dont name spatulas
MOXIEGIRL11: no no no.
HalcyonDreamland: Hey
HalcyonDreamland: Hey :)
MOXIEGIRL11: YOU Name your spatulas.
HalcyonDreamland: You are more psycho than me
HalcyonDreamland: I DO NOT
MOXIEGIRL11: I know you do.
MOXIEGIRL11: I bet you talk to them too.
HalcyonDreamland: Sammy the Spatula rules
HalcyonDreamland: I mean....
MOXIEGIRL11: Laura and Marco and Thadeus.
MOXIEGIRL11: That's what you probably name them.
HalcyonDreamland: Thadeus is cool!
MOXIEGIRL11: Thatdeus is rocking. I named my toilet thadeus.
HalcyonDreamland: Then how can I name my spatula thadeus
MOXIEGIRL11: I dunno. they're twin brothers?
HalcyonDreamland: Can I use the same name for my spatula?
MOXIEGIRL11: you probably already have.
HalcyonDreamland: :)
HalcyonDreamland: I should probably take off to bens work now
HalcyonDreamland: See if he can get out early so we can hit the gym earlier
MOXIEGIRL11: okay
MOXIEGIRL11: I can't believe I talk with someone who socializes with spatualas.
HalcyonDreamland: NO
HalcyonDreamland: Hey Im notewRWERWETR
MOXIEGIRL11: okay have a goodday. say hi to ben for me i guess.
HalcyonDreamland: Youll meet him when you come here
HalcyonDreamland: Ok Im taking off, I dont talk to spatulas, dont test me like that again
MOXIEGIRL11: spatula socializer.
HalcyonDreamland: By the way, you really might be the cutest girl in the world...
HalcyonDreamland: Two can play at this game
MOXIEGIRL11: Not really.
HalcyonDreamland: :)
MOXIEGIRL11: You see.
MOXIEGIRL11: I am NOT a spatula
HalcyonDreamland: Jesus
HalcyonDreamland: ojsdfgrerg
HalcyonDreamland: GR(TG
HalcyonDreamland: Belittle canadiansefwtp[few[p
HalcyonDreamland: You like havvinganupperhand!@oeq4r
HalcyonDreamland: Ok
HalcyonDreamland: Im back
HalcyonDreamland: Calm
MOXIEGIRL11: LOL.
HalcyonDreamland: Ill pretend you never said any of that
MOXIEGIRL11: OH SHUT UP.
MOXIEGIRL11: I SAID IT ALL.
HalcyonDreamland: Bye Bye Cousin who I wish wasnt my cousin
MOXIEGIRL11: okay spatulizer.
MOXIEGIRL11: have a good night.
HalcyonDreamland:
HalcyonDreamland: argh
HalcyonDreamland: amanda amanda amanda
MOXIEGIRL11: ;-)
HalcyonDreamland: bye bye
MOXIEGIRL11: toodles.
current mood:  curious
current music: Bebel Gilberto
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| Saturday, June 30th, 2001
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11:29 pm - ADVENTURES IN VANITY or I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CLOWN.
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Tonight I attempted to bleach out 5 years worth of black hair dye. My advice to anyone who has thick hair that is three or four inches past your shoulders is: use three Packets of Quick Blue as opposed to two. That's my only regret. My hair would be less colorful right now if I had only just splurged to be on the safe side. It isn't even splurging. Wow....$3.99 for a packet of powdered bleach. So my roots are white, underneath is orange, the tips are black and the middle is dark brown, orange, and puce. Fucking heinous. I'm not going to be able to look in the mirror without laughing my ass off for the next week. I'll probably just buy some manic panic to cover it up. Whatever. Such is life. This is my lesson for today. 3 Packets dammit.
current mood: amused
current music: Danzig
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| Monday, June 4th, 2001
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12:31 am
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Everytime I think about this I want to erase it.
current mood:  numb
current music: there is NOTHING playing
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| Monday, May 21st, 2001
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6:25 pm - Hey, Feces in the balls. What's up?
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PlasmaSeal: Hey :)How are you
MOXIEGIRL11: good. you?
PlasmaSeal: Im great
PlasmaSeal: Do much today
PlasmaSeal: Rescue any sealpups
PlasmaSeal: I like the white furry kind
MOXIEGIRL11: no..I clubbed a couple.
PlasmaSeal: :(
PlasmaSeal: But I love seals
PlasmaSeal: Thanks a lot
PlasmaSeal: Did you use their resources properly
PlasmaSeal: Coat?
MOXIEGIRL11: Well I was thinking of you when I did it?
PlasmaSeal: Not good enough
PlasmaSeal: bad amanda
MOXIEGIRL11: sorry.
MOXIEGIRL11: well I got some nice pelts.
PlasmaSeal: :)
PlasmaSeal: Besides moxie
PlasmaSeal: Do you like mr pibb
MOXIEGIRL11: no.
MOXIEGIRL11: it's like dr. pepper..
MOXIEGIRL11: that shits evil man.
PlasmaSeal: :)
PlasmaSeal: I just drank it today
MOXIEGIRL11: are your insides leaking out of your pores now?
PlasmaSeal: Nope
PlasmaSeal: I liked it
PlasmaSeal: it was at chuck e cheese
PlasmaSeal: :)
MOXIEGIRL11: OH..YOU WENT TO CHUCKY CHEESE?
MOXIEGIRL11: Did you play in the balls?
PlasmaSeal: Nope
PlasmaSeal: See, Lokesh is going out with sandy
PlasmaSeal: And she runs the one near us
PlasmaSeal: So we go
PlasmaSeal: Eat free pizza
PlasmaSeal: and play games
PlasmaSeal: win tickets and give them to kids
PlasmaSeal: Its a good time
PlasmaSeal: Every other tuesday we try going
MOXIEGIRL11: cool. play in the balls for me. It's my favorite.
PlasmaSeal: I dont
PlasmaSeal: See
PlasmaSeal: Sandy told us
PlasmaSeal: They find puke and feces in the bottom of the balls sometimes
PlasmaSeal: So I stay clear of it
MOXIEGIRL11: LOLOL.
PlasmaSeal: :)
MOXIEGIRL11: OH MY GOD.
MOXIEGIRL11: GROSS.
PlasmaSeal: I know
PlasmaSeal: Little kids are gross
MOXIEGIRL11: LOL.
PlasmaSeal: :)
PlasmaSeal: I loved the balls
PlasmaSeal: As I kid Id go all the time
PlasmaSeal: Thinking back I wonder
PlasmaSeal: If I was playing in shit
MOXIEGIRL11: me too. I loved the balls. I was (oddly enough) talking about this today with a friend.
PlasmaSeal: Wow
PlasmaSeal: Cool Cool
PlasmaSeal: The tunnels were cool
PlasmaSeal: But they are gone now
current music: cult
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1:55 am
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I'm tired. I puled an all night-er the other day and haven't fully recovered. I had a little to drink tonight also. I'm not drunk, but I'm too tired to be um...a word I can not currently think of. Normal? Cognizant? Yea er...uh probably one of those. Maybe even both. Actually at this point I could stay up or crash. Either way it's all just a matter of deciding if what I want to do differs from what I should do and if...Oh no...I forgot what I was getting at again. Godamnmotherfuckingshit. My thoughts aren't worth the paper I write them on. I don't know why I'm writing. I should use something like this to make others think. Fuck that. To make me think. Not just...My day was blah, crap happened, This is how I feel about it. The end. Here's some more info about me and whatever blah blah. I could be going off on thought provoking rants instead of being like everyone else. I could use this for good, because occasionally somebody reads it. Believe it or not it happens. See? You're reading it. You must be bored. I'm sorry. I'm bored too. You are not alone. If you're bored then chances are you're boring. We can be boring together. I feel better already. I think I'll go to bed before I drool on the keyboard,and short circuit the computer.
current mood:  groggy
current music: The Cult-she sells sancutary...but where does she sell it?
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| Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
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7:53 pm
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*sigh* I have bad posture and nothing more to say.
current mood: sad, tired, and bored
current music: silence...where the new tool album should be
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| Friday, May 4th, 2001
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7:42 pm - hi ho
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I got so much done today. I went into work and almost finished an entire outfit. Okay that's not a lot for some, but it is for me. Then I ran out of the right color thread. Ain't that a pisser? So I'm home now. I think I'll work on my "hobby". Back to the sewing machine I go.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: The HIV song
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| Thursday, May 3rd, 2001
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6:18 pm
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I Can't get enough Spinal Meningitis.
current mood: amused
current music: ween
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| Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001
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7:12 pm - fucking hippie posers suck punk ass
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At least he went away quickly. Got the point across. Made an attempt to say bye. Wouldn't want him thinking I'm the asshole that I know I am.
I'll come back and finish this off later.
current mood: headachey
current music: Failure-Pitiful
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| Monday, April 30th, 2001
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8:59 pm - FREE SHIT DAY!
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Okay so I was talking to my Hippie friend and he always gets free shit. I must read Steal this book. I barely get mail. If it's addressed to Resident I'm excited. So I went online today and looked up free shit. So far I am getting 4 issues of U.S. News, 1 Victoria's secret catalog, 1 pert plus sample, 1 folgers coffee sample , 2 Romance novels, 1 Olay bodywash, Dove face cloth, Curel lotion, and a tasters choice sample. I need to go back for a book of islam and another on scientology. Don't worry though. I can afford to be a scientologist even less than I can afford to be Catholic.
Toodles.
current mood: amused
current music: Harry Belafonte
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| Sunday, April 29th, 2001
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9:36 pm - An attempt to send positive energy in your general direction
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Is it just me or do bad days come in large quantities for you? I wish I could say something to make your life better. I don't know if words that magical exist in our world. You don't want to talk to me. I'm sorry I'm not them. I'm sorry I'm not there. I'm sorry it's not easier. However I am thinking of you.
current mood: worried
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2:26 pm - blibbity blobbity blah
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My dad called me a communist today, because I believe art should be accessible to everyone. So I'm a fucking communist. I don't particularly think so, but I could be wrong. If I were a communist I would believe in a society where everyone is equal right? I don't. I don't want an equal society. I want a compassionate society. The only way everyone can be equal is if everyone is miserable, starving, and poor. Happiness does not come in large quantities unfortunately. I want to live in a society where people help people. If somebody is down and out there will be kindness, generosity, and a helping hand in their near future. These are not communist ideals. These are hippie ideals. These are the wishes of dreamers, airheads and people who babble endlessly...people like me. And this little pinko commie fagot is sticking to them.
current mood: productive
current music: Nina Simone....What a fucking goddess. I love her so much.
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| Saturday, April 28th, 2001
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5:26 pm
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Okay so I no longer have a problem with writing where everyone can see. Mainly because they can't see me. Well acctaully they CAN see me, but they can't find me. I am becomming rather addicted to this. I like reading other peoples journals. It's not inspiring and it's barely entertaining, but I don't have much else to do. That's always been my problem. I'm in the process of finding things to do now. I'm working on making a hobby for myself. I have a feeling it's going to be great too. It's been taking a lot of energy from me. I've been thinking about it nonstop. It requires so many different things like designing, making, writing, developing, and god knows what else. I'm going to need other people in order to pull it off too. I have a friend, Valeree who wants to do it with me. She's basically the reason why I got off my ass and said "YES. THIS CAN BE DONE!". I'm very excited. I've done some designing and I bought some of the material I will need to create the designs. I need to do more drafting though. Definitely. I still need to work on organizing the whole thing. I should probably just get a notebook. Make some lists. I need to talk more to Valeree about this though. Okay well I'm babbling. Today is going to be great. Cozmo and Rose are comming over for dinner. We had 12 Maine Lobsters shipped over here. Mmmmmmm....lobster. Lobster is the only exception to my meat rule. I only eat cute animals like deer and bunnies and cows and such. No Reptiles and Amphibians. Lobster is the only living thing that I make an exception for. Cozmo is going to make Cherries Jubilee...I LOVE cherries jubilee. Cozmo read my mind. They should be here now but they are always late. *sigh* I'll probably continue babbling later tonight. blah blah blah BYE
current mood: happy
current music: Tori Amos- Carnival
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