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Thursday, March 21st, 2002
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1:22 pm - damn raisin bran!
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today proved very amusing. i confronted kyle today in 3rd. he was completely cowed. i didn't get the satisfaction from it i thought i might. and i've also decided to carry out my plans of delivering the irebox of rayne's fists to him after tour, so i can actually go. instead of being suspended, and not going. so yeah, life is good. when i woke up this morn, i had a light conversation about tactics with g.g. envolving me, against someone his size. it was interesting, but then agian, some of his ideas aren't that good, but some of them are really practical. but when i'm in a display of fighting prowess, it can either look pretty, or ... not. it depends on how much adrenaline is pumping... the more the messier. (<-i know that's too easy so don't even.) anyways, i have my basic attack routine decided on, but, i'm not exactly sure what i'm gonna follow up with. g.g. had a good idea, but it's too easy to pull off, and i want a display of total supremacy, so i might go along with my initial plan.... heh heh heh, which would prove very not pretty. well, i'm gonna explode soon, so i'm gone.
P.s:if your wondering why i'm gonna explode, don't... just look at the title/subject line.
current mood: ...pain
current music: tool- 'grudge'
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(3 comments |comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
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2:44 pm - somebody...
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please help me. (preferably someone who knows what the hell they're talking about.) the request # is 42169. if you have information as to answer my question, please answer it.
current mood:  relaxed
current music: none
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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1:22 pm - broken scanners
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Test Results
| You think of yourself as being dark, cool, comforting, and evil. | | Others think of you as being sleek, powerful, quick, and predatory. | | Your relationships can be described as comfortable, sometimes cold/hot, fun, and slippery when wet. | | When stressed, you feel surreal. |
Take this test here.
after taking that test, and reading friend journals and commenting on mine/friends, i feel relaxed. i still feel that inner rage towards kyle, but i have also realized that if he comes back from San Fransisco bloody and battered, then i will surely be blamed. but i guess they would need concrete proof. i also realize that mn370 is a great friend, (-yo). i have also compiled another piece of paper with ... trivial, but amusing sh*t. here it is:
- tit lice
- "But Rayne, have you ever heard of the non-spitting kind?" (bugs)
- "I was built in a house of cheese, and some of us play like god."
the tit lice thing was because of the initials of There Land. it's the cement immediately in front of my throne @ school. and the 1st quote was from little jason, and how i was pokin' a dead bug with a bug sized stick, (ya know since ya gotta poke dead stuff with a stick), so i got a leaf stem, and little jason said something like, "whoa, that's gettin' too close, it might spit on you." , and i said something like 'but it's dead, and i don't think many bugs can spit anyways. amd the 2nd quote was from 'play like god' from Sacrifice, i thought i heard that... it was late. but any ways, i think i've been contented in the last oh... *looks @ watch* lets say past hour.... since lunch to replying to my comments, and comments made by others on my lj, to updating here. i like this existence now... i've found a real distraction that isn't a distraction, but something i can actually grasp for, instead of forget about it: friends. i don't have to loose myself in them anymore, i can actually still exist (here) and be happy. so i guess i can remain here, but not for long 'cause i'm gone.
current mood: content
current music: gary numan, sacrifice- 'seed of a lie' to 'play like god'
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(4 comments |comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
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1:07 pm - AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
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how dare someone have the opacity to threaten me of all people. if you know me, then you would also know that that isn't a good thing to do. if i have time to brood, then it's settled that i'll do something very bad to the person. yesterday, i post an innocent post about a lj search of high altitude pottery kilning, and underwater basket weaving, and this @sshole Kyle Bradley, tries to threaten me. the first comment i thought, "who does this guy think he's talking to?" and then i look at his next post and realize that he offered to kick my @ss. so now i'm really pissed, and want to kill him, and came here for refuge, because when i'm this pissed, i think i could kill him. really. i think i might. i'm going to have a talk with him to day.... i probly wont kill him, but i will do something. i realize that he's just trying to display some balls, but not to me, i'll bury him. and i know he's really childish, so i guess i could let him off with the knowledge that he's threatened the wrong guy.
for those of you who know me, to the point of actually being able to predict my reaction without me being present... this is the point that i want confrontation. like friday night. w/rae, g.g., and brotherchris. these jackoffs tried to make fun of us, cause we were mocking a church van... so they thought they were gonna try to mock us... they didn't do what they tried to though... they sounded like "pecks". well back to sh!t, if you know me that good, just picture the brow furrowing into a "V", and the nostrils flaring out in anger, and the "glare of death" as a friend of mine put it. this is not my favorite mode of attack, but it is one of my most effective. not to brag, or put down g.g. or anything, but the last time this happened he went to the hospital. and when i'm like this, i don't feel pain, only anger and adrenaline. it's actually really demanding and draining, 'cause i get all shaky with anger. which is one of the reasons that it's kinda hard to type.
and now that i realize it, i can't get my frustrations out this friday gaming 'cause i'll be in San Fransico. Yes Kyle, if your reading this i'll be there too, so don't fall too far to sleeep. i'll really know where to find you then.
well i've written all that i can now, i'm getting too shaky. so i'm gone.
current mood:  enraged
current music: tool- 'the patient' 'grudge' and 'ticks and leeches'
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(21 comments |comment on this)
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| Monday, March 18th, 2002
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2:29 pm - interesting thought....
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2:16 pm - white walls
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first things first... the list from friday night, and some-what from today:
- children in a box, it's nature's way.
- you can tell it's pissed, it's shiny.
- support your local stool, it supports you.
- Mr.Hanky v.s. Mr.Clampy
- is the Pillsboury Dough Boy a cannibal?
- casket wheelie thingys make good coffee tables.
today has sucked. it really has... except for 5th per. where it was very amusing... along many other things. and i've been showing a couple of pictures of giger to people, and watching their disgusted reactions. and if they didn't give me a disgusted reaction at first, i gave them a disgusted reaction. and i also showed the dog armor, which is hilarious looking. and i've decided to do the "birth machine" and haven't decided the song, or some aliens artwork, and accompany it with the alien cure from gary numan. which i think is an ... interesting song. well, i've got nothin' to say now, so i'm gone.
current mood:  bored
current music: none... now... but earlier it was: tool- 'undertow'
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, March 15th, 2002
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1:32 pm - wavy trees & bushes
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i don't know what the hell happened yesterday, but i guess my "current mood, and music selection" is a partial link to chaodin's livejournal. but the link is actually missing the 'c', and i don't even know why there is a link to his journal... partial or not. so i stopped caring ... about 3 sec. ago.
do you like lots of "swimmy" goodness.
i might if i could proficiently swim, but i can't, so i don't care. ahhh. damn i'm bored. but at least i can look forward to tonight! yeah! i think i'm gonna get a new lj pic. chaodin has one of me in shades and a duster... which i would like for a pic here... hint hint, but i guess he's too damn lazy, or has lost it, so i guess i'll go for more comedy... and try for god in the holy grail. well, now that i've accomplished "something" i'm gone.
P.s: dp9 and i are speaking again. i walked into the band room, and she said "penguins", and i looked at my shirt, and pointed to the penguin word, and repeated her "penguins"... and that led to conversation.
current mood: amused
current music: Doors- 'People are Strange' and 'Love me two times'
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(6 comments |comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 14th, 2002
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5:06 pm - Distractions... they don't kill you! ...unless they're the killer kind.
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1:14 pm - wow...
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it's been awhile since i've updated, but in that time i've discovered several things.
- more stores/places should have the word "barn" in their names
- i hate this existence
- (this existence meaning high school, being as i only really need to be here for 2 periods, but i'm here for 6. ... it is making me hate ... more later.)
- where has god gone?
i've been "forced" to make another web page... so i'll try to make a link... but last time it failed. i think it was something with the server, and how my comp. has a designated shortened version for a default.
and this rage/hate stuff... being at this wretched place is slowly dwindling my will to live. i need distractions! and thankfully ... friday is a very big distraction. today being thursday will be a mini distraction seeing as i host a mini game. but i've also written a story/possible chronical that could be played, if the group would be interested. and if people don't like my style, i've story boarded it, so anyone could use the idea, because the story is so general right now, but in my mind, i've this whole back story with an elven samurai, and his mentor after exile... sound familiar? now that i type this it really does. but anyways, i'm looking for distractions from school, and tonight will hopefully be a good one, seeing as how i'm going to star's dance concert. i've also found that i have an aura of making people fit into my mood,(at least i've been told that.)
lately i've been listening to sacrifice alot, and i've found that a seed of a lie, and a question of faith are very good. the whole cd is good in my opinion, but i think those are my fav's along with love and napalm... not only for the music, but also for the title. well, i think i'm gonna continue with my other "duties" in my internet class... meaning download more music, and put rude/offensive pictures into the folders. so i'm gone.
P.s:just think... Barn Barn: it's a huge barn... where you can buy regular barns!
...
current mood: depressed
current music: linkin park- 'it's going down' & metallica-'hero of the day'
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(8 comments |comment on this)
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| Friday, March 8th, 2002
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1:19 pm - this song is oddly fitting
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today has been... o.k. but mainly bad. 3rd per. is the one with the gay guy. i know he's gay, and i don't really have anything against him for it, as long as he stays away from my @ss & package. and i've only made one joke, and when he wasn't around. and some of you ridiculed me. but today it was brought to my attention that people go up to him every day, and call him a 'fagot' and say that they're gonna kick his @ss. he doesn't need that. would you want to come to school to that everyday!? i know i wouldn't. he doesn't need that. so today at lunch i saw him in the band room hallway, and i decided to casually smile at him, and say hello. he said hi as well and smiled, but i'm not sure if it was out of hapiness that someone smiled to him, or out of fear... i'm not sure. i've been thinking of talking to him, and stating my views... but i don't exactly know if i should do that... ? ...it has even gone so far as to some of them making a club with the initials of kbac... for Kick B****'s @ss Club. it's so damn childish! they should grow up! i know i'm only 17 but i'm intitled to my moments of good ideas and views damnit! and the bell just wrang, so i gotta go. what i was trying to say is that the constant ridiculing and criticism for and from everyone has really pushed me to the limit of me breaking! so i'm gone.
current mood: pissed off
current music: metallica- 'and justice for all'
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(11 comments |comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 7th, 2002
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9:37 am - rainy daze
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it's somethin' in the air.
something we breath.
it's an odd feeling that i feel right now. i was told earlier that i look happy... "because i don't have my preventive walk."(*) but i feel empty right now... maybe it's 'cause of what i've just read, maybe not. i dunno. but usually i feel good when it rains. i like the rain. why else would i pay tribute to it by altering it into a name? but today i feel as if my life has just run into a patch of fog. i don't know where i'm going. i don't have much understanding where i've come from either right now. i'm just kinda living in the moment. ya know? maybe not. but i also feel this absense within me. i have a feeling of what it is. and i'm sure i've conveyed it to Talldan through a comment on his lj. but i dunno if i've portrayed it correctly. ... i don't exactly know how to portray this thought, 'cause since i commented, i've been thinking alot... and that usually goes everywhere. and i think my thinking is too erratic for some of you to follow,(i know 'cause i've totally lost people before.) anyways, i think i'm done here.... so... i'm gone.
i believe in a preventive violence.... so i walk in strait lines, extend my shoulders, widen my gait, and look strait ahead and look through the people as if they weren't there.... i've had no conflicts recently, and i atribute some of that by my walk. sometimes like confrontation, but at school, i don't really want to f*ck things over so close to graduation, so i walk "preventivly."
current mood: morose
current music: tool- 'grudge'
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(4 comments |comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 6th, 2002
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1:19 pm - stupid sub!
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my internet class is usually pretty uneventful, but today! jebus tap-dancing christ! this was f*ckin' funny! a guy came in late, and asked to see the roll sheet to see if the guy marked him tardy... and the sub is foreign...(asian of some sort, i'm not sure, sometimes i can tell by accents.) but this escalated to the student calling him a bitch, and him not caring if he was kicked out. ... ... rayne was very amused! anyways, the sub picked up the phone and called the asst. principal, and told him that a student was acting up and called him a bitch, and that he would like the student removed. ... he ended up saying bitch 3 times by the end of the conversation with the "escort". school doesn't usually entertain me like this, but sh*t was this hilarious!
but anyways, now for something else.
math is usually amusing, just not to the point of mentionable, unlike gov., but anyways, we were finishing up our tests from friday, and the teacher crossed out louie's name,(brian), with a red pen and wrote in louie.... and it looked like he took points for it, but i'm not sure. louie isn't his real name, some people called him louie for 2 reasons,
1.his 'french' name was louis, and
2.in his earlier years,(meaning about 2~3 years ago), he vaguely resembled louie anderson.
anyways, i'm done with that. now that i'm in this class and the sub has amused me to the point of trying to cover up my laughing,(he was getting pissed because the whole class was laughing.), because i didn't want him to explode at me.(seeing how it's so messy and all*) but anyways, i think i'm gonna purge the internet history on this comp 'cause technically anyone could update as me from this computer, so i'm gonna put a stop to that option. well... i'm gone.
current mood: amused
current music: gary numan- 'seed of a lie' and 'question of faith'
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
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2:05 pm
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You are relatively open to new experiences.
You are very well-organized, and can be relied upon.
You are relatively social and enjoy the company of others.
You find it easy to criticize others.
You are generally relaxed.
i was expecting more from about 52 questions! oh well. i'm sure the people that are reading my journal are sick of this sh!t by now. so this will be one of the last.
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(comment on this)
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1:55 pm - all this from a colour quiz!
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Your Existing Situation
Orderly, methodical, and self-contained. Needs the respect, recognition, and
understanding of those close to him.
Your Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Feels lonely and uncertain as he has an
unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his
own, and wants to stand out from the rank and file. This sense of isolation
magnifies the need into a compelling urge, all the more upsetting to his
self-sufficiency because of the restraint he normally imposes on himself. Since
he wants to demonstrate the unique quality of his own character, he tries to
suppress this need for others and affects an attitude of unconcerned
self-reliance to conceal his fear of inadequacy, treating those who criticize
his behavior with contempt. However, beneath this assumption of indifference he
really longs for the approval and esteem of others.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.Feels cut off and unhappy
because of the difficulty in achieving the essential degree of cooperation and
harmony which he desires. Distressed by the obstacles with which he is faced
and is no mood for any form of activity or for further demands on him. Needs
peace and quiet, and the avoidance of anything which might distress him
further. Insists that his hopes and ideas are realistic, but need reassurance
and encouragement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Your Desired Objective
Defiantly opposes any sort of restriction or opposition. Sticks obstinately to
his own point of view in the belief that this proves his independence and
self-determination.
Your Actual Problem
The need for esteem--for the chance to play some outstanding part and make a
name for himself--has become imperative. He reacts by insisting on being the
center of attention, and refuses to play an impersonal or minor role.
Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals
have led to anxiety, emptiness, and an unadmitted self-contempt. His refusal to
admit this leads to his adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude.
the 'actual' problem reminds me of apropos. and actually i've been taking alot of these, and they all point to one thing... anti-social, and schitzoid.... and most of all, borderline
current mood: bored
current music: tool- 'lateralus'
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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| Monday, March 4th, 2002
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2:11 pm - ...just what i thought...
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1:53 pm - tarot
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1:34 pm - my weekend II
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friday kicked @ss. really it did. i regret ever having doubts about them. it was great, and the fact that i got to act insane without people giving me shit about it. saturday, was Coed. coed was fun! i decided after going "missing" for about an hour, i decided that i don't like automated sprinklers. the dj sucked ass. i asked him to play the doors, along with little jason, very many times, but he never played them. and he said that he was just going by "the feel" of things... which would have explained the crappy anglo-rap/crap! it sucked ass. so kenny and i took the list, crossed out all the crappy requests of other people, and wrote in our own stuff. like tool, doors, etc. i was gonna hit 'em. really i was. but we left 20 min. early so i didn't hit 'em. and since it was at the richard nixon library i asked the curators if they had the watergate tapes there... i got two responses...
1.'you damn democrats are always giving him crap, why don't you give the guy a break!'
2.'yeah, their in back, but it's closed off right now.'
i liked the latter one better. i also asked the drink ladies for beer... they said that there were margaritas in the corner... i got one... they were non-alchaholic... which i expected... but later on kenny was jokin' around that he was gettin' a buzz, so i downed the rest of mine, ran over and got two more, and downed both of those too. it was amusing. we also found some wheel chairs, in which little jason promply dubbed 'mr.wheelie'. but kenny and i were trying to race in them, but the chaparone's kept giving us crap, so we gave up. at one point in the night, i started laughing... slightly uncontrolably and people started to look at me wierd... but i just pointed at the bust of nixon and said that it would be funny as sh!t to glue a 'marrital aid' onto his forehead. they all laughed. sunday was very uneventful, and that leads me to today... which only proved amusing during 3rd per. so i guess i'm gone.
current mood:  exanimate
current music: nickelback- 'too bad'
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(7 comments |comment on this)
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| Friday, March 1st, 2002
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1:24 pm - judgment day
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i'm not looking forward to this though. i don't really want to do it though. listening to this song though makes sense(too bad).... i have only a little insight into it. and some of you,(one), have already cought onto what i've hinted at in one of my previous lj entries. i just feel that if this keeps up then i beleive that it's time to move on. i think there are too many secrets, and hidden feelings harbored towards certain... members of this group. and i don't like that feeling, i have this notion that they have those views towards me as well, and that would make me walk. if you've ever been with a group of friends that you would gladly take away from their misfortunes just to save them from their pain, but after about... 3~4 years... this feeling has only grown. it has. but recently i've gotten the impression that some of them may are critical of me, in the way that they would go behinnd my back to insult me and belittle me. and i think that feeling is something related to ... what i can only call dread. and i can't stand that feeling i get from such great friends. i mean, i would take a bullet for them. i would sacrifice ... alot for them, and in some aspects i have. but in others, ... i just don't know... i don't like the dread. i really can't take it. last friday ... i had my own reservations about, but i wont post those, if one is that interested, then i will voice. i don't have much else to say ... other than that tool kicks @ss.
and on a lighter note, i've declared february 28 screamin'/yellin' day. it's actually a very good story. me, little jason, and brian were drivin' around, and were just yellin' sh!t out the windows at/to people, like:
"blue is the apocalypse, when you wake up dead, you'll know why!"
"hospitals are the crock of propaganda"
"hitler is alive and well, and living in miami"
sh!t like that, it was amusing, but i also have to go now, 'cause the bell wrang. so i'm gone.
current mood:  pensive
current music: nickelback- 'too bad' and 'how you remind me'
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(6 comments |comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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1:35 pm - ...
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1:03 pm - after alot of thinking...
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some people are really f*ckin' confusing. really you are. i make one joke about a gay,(sounding?),guy and i hear alot of sh!t about it. but when i'm in government, and the gay issue comes up a teacher,(no less), does excatly what i did... make a moch gay voice, and inserted some "witty" comment. people laughed. i laughed, but was also contemplative about it. i'm supposively a republican... (don't ask) but i do have a couple of ... issues against them; like their standing on 'traditional' values, i.e: school prayer, and unequal rights for gays/lesbians. if you don't pray in my school, then i wont think in your church.
it's that simple.
i also think that some people are critical of others, but only because others are too... which leads me to the band wagon theory... i hate these "band wagons". they make me sick. i've been told by ... others, that dp9 hates me. i'm fine with that. i can't change her mind, and i don't want to, it's her mind. but in a comment she recently posted on my... (here) she said i was "...better than that...",(refering to moching gays). i found this oddly up-lifting. and i have some friends... they're really critical of another one of the guy's in this group... but he doesn't know it. yeah, i have my issues with him too, but i don't hide behind a false friendship, i tell him what i think, without fear of some explosion. everybody has flaws, and nobody is anywhere near being perfect, and it makes me mad that people do that. i'm sure i've lost more that enough of you with that so i'll change the subject.
an 'aquaintance' of mine,( i don't know if i could actually call her a friend, because i don't know her mindset towards me), anyways, i've heard her called a 'bible pusher'.... this i'm o.k. with because it's her choice, but when she is critical of me making one joke about a gay, i find that ... not right. because if she were a 'bible pusher' she would be against gays. it's against 'traditional' values... which i've already covered. i have alot to say, but my mind i going alot faster than i can type, and i don't think i would be able to convey my points by writing, so i guess i'll just go. i'm gone.
p.s: i'm passing a judgement this friday. i wont say what or why to some of you, but i do give you others the warning. it wont effect my respect for the ones who will be judged, but i will make a decision based on the judgement. some will be dissappointed, and others may be happy about it. i don't know, and if the others are happy about it, then i guess my decision will be for the best. that is all i have to say, but i do say it with a heavy heart, and much regret for the time that i've spent with these people.
current mood: contemplative
current music: tool- 'the patient' and 'lateralus'
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(6 comments |comment on this)
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