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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Rudy's LiveJournal:
| Saturday, November 10th, 2001 | |
| 8:49 am | Haha My life has been really tired and sure lately. I find myself hating my mother more and more. I don't wish to speak to her anymore. I want to be emancipated because her type of parenting is just a tease. She has in no way equipped me for life and now I have to fend for myself. Damn her. I never wanted to be like a thorn in her side, but it appears to me that she stuck herself. In the mean time freedom runs through my brain at such lightening speeds that I have to blink to stop from spinning. C. That means more to me than it looks. I think I'll see Des Moines for those 2 weeks when I am 19. It's been a while since I have cried. Now I just laugh hysterically at the pain I face. Blow it. I need to get the fuck out of here. Current Mood:  listlessCurrent Music: Operation Ivy.......... Yeah Jeremy! |
| 8:36 am | Haha My life has been really tired and sure lately. I find myself hating my mother more and more. I don't wish to speak to her anymore. I want to be emancipated because her type of parenting is just a tease. She has in no way equipped me for life and now I have to fend for myself. Damn her. I never wanted to be like a thorn in her side, but it appears to me that she stuck herself. In the mean time freedom runs through my brain at such lightening speeds that I have to blink to stop from spinning. C. That means more to me than it looks. I think I'll see Des Moines for those 2 weeks when I am 19. It's been a while since I have cried. Now I just laugh hysterically at the pain I face. Blow it. I need to get the fuck out of here. Current Music: Operation Ivy.......... Yeah Jeremy! |
| Tuesday, November 6th, 2001 | |
| 2:52 pm | I feel like Monday never happened. Yeah, Cornelius. I know exactly what to say. Remember a blond girl dancing barefoot backstage? You still kinda remind me of a dream I had in June. Maybe it wasn't you? I guess if I lie to myself long enough I'll be able to believe that. The dream is different, but I still have it. I have it while I am awake and I am running down the hall to class. I have it while I am looking out the car window or when I come home take off my skirt and turn on the cd player. The dream I used to have looks as if it is coming true now. Your laying on the floor and I am banging on the door |
| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001 | |
| 12:53 pm | Hey I AM 72% PUNK. 
Take the PUNK/POSER Test at Fuali.com! Current Mood:  deviousCurrent Music: Dropkick Murphys |
| Monday, October 22nd, 2001 | |
| 12:49 pm | United States of Whateva Well, long time no speak. I have been extremely busy and other stuff......? Anywho, I am sitting in the computer lab talking to Kate and being a stalker. Apparently you already know that. I am still waking and baking from this unbelievably hard shit I smoked last night! I am all lit up!!!!!! I am still laughing for absolutely no reason! John came home yesterday. We went to go see "Riding in Cars With Boys". GOD I LOVE DREW BARRYMORE!!! I did a good job yesterday. Nevermind. Oh my god this really ugly girl just walked in! Oh its ok now she left! That was really mean. Current Mood:  highCurrent Music: Bratmobile in my head |
| Friday, October 5th, 2001 | |
| 1:35 pm | Oh my God! I am so mad pissed at so many people right now. Apparently I am becoming very popular at CHC since certain guys can't keep their PUNK MOUTHS SHUT! God what did I do? Well we know exactly what I did! haha I am in Mr. Stoddard's advisee meeting. He is making fun of Tarryn's fish picture. Damn I cant wait to chill tonight after the dance. Wes is taking me! Haha ... this should be hysterical. Me, Kate, Trey, and WES! I still hate CHC boys....NOW AND FOREVER! Current Mood:  pissed offCurrent Music: Steam! |
| Friday, September 28th, 2001 | |
| 12:38 pm | In school and hating it! I think that I am going insane. I am not depressed. I am not happy. I am so cold to everything. I can't cry. I have gone so long without crying. I am having wierd sleeping patterns. I think I might have narcolepsy. I keep falling asleep in wierd places, waking up, and having no clue where I am. I am always asleep but I am never REALLY asleep. I keep kinda dreaming then waking myself up. I always get into this trance that I am walking down the street then I trip, hit the ground, and come out of the trance. It's a trance mind you, not sleep. I think I am going to die if I don't come out soon. I seriously think I am going to die. Please Help! Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: the PJ Harvey in my head |
| Tuesday, September 25th, 2001 | |
| 1:04 pm | Ahhhhh "Do I Have To Spell it Out" by The International Noise Conspiracy Do I have to spell it out? Hey I,ve got just one little thing to say I,ve got a little secret if you want to come my way Do I have to spell it out? Yeah I,ve got you under my thumb I,ve got my desires free to grab for everyone 'Cause you know that I wanted you So please be careful with the words you choose There is so much that we can do Yeah I wanted you to be by my side Everyone in here all of the time Do I have to spell it out? And you know that I always wanted you And you know there is so much that we can do And you know something about the words we choose And if you ever think about loving Please consider me Yeah I,ve got just a little thing to say an insurrection, a new direction coming our way Do I have to spell it out? And you know that I always wanted to be with you And you know that together were no fools And you know there is nothing that we cant do And if you ever think about loving Like I said..... songs say it so much better than I can. Current Mood:  crushedCurrent Music: Kate and Nicole Typing |
| Saturday, September 22nd, 2001 | |
| 12:43 am | Where the fuck is that feeling I had. I would give anything to be as happy and helpless as I was then. What did I do to ruin it? Was there something about me to make me unnatainable. I want this. I want that smile back. You know? The one with the helpless little boy eyes. The one I gushed about for all of forever. I can see you sitting on my couch. So quiet and scared, waiting for the right time to make your move. Are you there? If you are reading this I want you to know that I love you more now Than I ever have. I love everything about you. Especially your little comments about how stupid other people are. I want you more than anyone and I hate myself for letting you get to the pint where you questioned that. I still love that way. Every way that you are. And every way that we were together. Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John |
| Thursday, September 20th, 2001 | |
| 10:41 pm | Talk about mid-teen crisis!!!!!!! I am so wierd! Today I got bored during my free and the girls and I started talking about Harry Potter. So Kate, Monica, and I all decided to go up to the library and see if they actually had any of the books in the library. They actually did! So I decided to get it out and I have not sat it down since. I feel like I am 10 years old again and I love it. Practice is going well for the play. I get to mime!!!!!!! Cornelius kix ass!!!! I have figured out a secret weapon for US History and I am gonna use it like a fucking life line. Go Regis!!!!! Ahh Regis, Harry Potter, Cornelius, Miming, and US History!!!!!! Life is good Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: "At the Stars" by Better Than Ezra |
| Wednesday, September 19th, 2001 | |
| 10:15 pm | BOREDOM!!!!! All I can say is that there is absolutely nothing to do at rehearsals. Did I tell you that I am in "Hamlet" at MHS. Yep, and the best part is my character's name in the play. CORNELIUS! It shocked me so bad when I read it that I just started laughing. I wasn't even mad that I didn't get the part of Ophelia because I was too busy telling all my friends about how wierd it was! So while I was bored off my ass at rehearsals today I decided to arrange the soundtrack for my summer of 2001. It goes as follows: 1> "Happy Together" by The Turtles 2> "Rock Show" by Blink182 3> "Bad Fish" by Sublime 4> "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley 5> "Only Lovers Left Alive" by The International Noise Conspiracy 6> "Punk Rock Love Song" by The Hectics 7> "Circus Music for Hoodlems" by KRANK 8> "Violet" by Hole 9> "Glazed" by Rocket from the Crypt 10> "People Who Died" by The Jim Carroll Band 11> "Down by the Water" by PJ Harvey 12> "Rebel Girl" by Bikini Kill 13> "She Broke My Dick" by All 14> "Angel of the Morning" by Chrissy of The Pretenders 15> "You Ask Me If I Love You" by Mary Catherine Gallager 16> "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John 17> "Sway" by Bic Runga 18> "Smoke 2 Joints" by Sublime God, can you tell I was bored?! Kate and I also wrote a song about some guys we know. It is funny as shit. The best part is about Ashley and JT!!!! Haha! That boy is such a foreskin!!! Ok I am gonna go do something to entertain myself. Porn is coming on soon! HAHA! |
| Sunday, September 16th, 2001 | |
| 2:07 am | I laugh at you all!!!!! (Pricks!!!!!) Okay, I am starting to feel a little bit better. I found some whisky and stole a fresh pack of Marlboro Lights. Life is Peachy! Now I am playing "Penny Lane" (my guitar) and sighing relief that I am not dead right now. I am too much of a bitch to die. The world needs more bitches so I have at least a good 10 years before I end up choking in a puddle of my own vomit. I mean it's not like their aren't bitches already (Christina D., Madonna, Ms. Clugh), but I am a bitch with something to offer. The truth! So I won't be silenced. Oh no, I will not. I will rage against whatever I choose to rage against at that given point, because as unbelievable as this may sound to all the PRICKS who read this (btw all pricks are male,::hint, hint::) my bitchiness has validity. So take that PRICK! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! "Was she asking for it? Was she asking nice? Did she ask you for it? Did she ask you twice?" -Courtney Love Current Mood: bitchyCurrent Music: "Miss World" by Hole |
| Saturday, September 15th, 2001 | |
| 9:34 pm | If you hate me, take pleasure in this Okay I have no clue how to tell you how I feel right now, but maybe the following songs can. Hey, music is modern day poetry... "It's Been A While" by Staind It's been a while Since I could... Hold my head up high It's been a while Since I first saw you It's been a while Since I could stand on my own two feet again And it's been a while Since I could call you And everything I can remember As fucked up as it all may seem Consequences that I've rendered Have stretched myself beyond my means It's been a while Since I could say that I wasn't addicted It's been a while Since I could say I loved myself as well and... It's been a while Since I've gone and fucked things up Just like I always do It's been a while But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you And everything I can remember As fucked up as it all may seem Consequences that I've rendered Gone and fucked things up again... again Why must I feel this way? Just make this go away Just one more peaceful day It's been a while Since I could... Look at myself straight It's been a while Since I said I'm sorry It's been a while Since I've seen the way the candles light your face It's been a while But I can still remember just the way you taste Everything I can remember As fucked up as it all may seem To be... I know its me I Can not blame this on my father He did the best he could for me It's been a while Since I could... Hold my head up high It's been a while Since I said I'm sorry as well as..... "Sway" by Bic Runga Don't stray, don't ever go away I should be much too smart for this You know it gets the better of me Sometimes, when you and I collide I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time Don't let me drown, let me down I say it's all because of you And here I go, losing my control I'm practicing your name so I can say it to your face It doesn't seem right, to look you in the eye Let all the things you mean to me Come tumbling out my mouth Indeed it's time to tell you why I say it's infinitely true CHORUS: Say you'll stay, don't come and go Like you do Sway my way, yeah I need to know All about you And there's no cure, and no way to be sure Why everything's turned inside out Instilling so much doubt It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired My head is battling with my heart My logic has been torn apart And now it all turns sour Come sweeten every afternoon CHORUS TWICE It's all because of you It's all because of you Now it all turns sour, come sweeten every afternoon It's time to tell you why, I say it's infinitely true CHORUS TWICE It's all because of you It's all because of you It's all because of you What am I supposed to do. Everyone's world is collapsing and I can't stop it. I feel so helpless in so many ways. I want to die. Oh my God I just want to die!!! I cant breathe or think or even sleep without pain. I feel so much on top of me and as I struggle to move another piece of shit falls down. I hate you. I hate it that I feel bad. I hate being in this house. I hate not having much alcohol left. I hate not having the drugs to do the trick. I hate not having any drugs at all. I hate wanting more than what I have. I just hate. I haven't hated in so long. I haven't wanted or craved or dreamt in even longer. I am doing all of it now. It isn't just America. It is everything. It is life and the fact that I wish I was in the fucking WTC when it went down. I wish I were dead. I wish I were lawn fertilizer. I wish I could stop pretending that my mistakes are funny cause they're not! The past 4 months have killed so much of my character. I gave so much away. AND FOR WHAT!? Is it for the few memories of cars and Towson and some resemblence of order that I have left. Is it for bass players or college students or garden gnomes or inside jokes. I am an inside joke! One big fucking joke. I am an after thought to society. A waste of space that crawls beneath low and feeds off of attention. I am sick, twisted, and dangerous to all of you, but more to myself than anyone. I will never be the main character only a slight antagonist. I am jack's raging sense of insecurity. I am always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I am the mother w/o a child. I am a Tori Amos or Aimee Mann song in the flesh walking around to the beat of a messed up drum and an even more messed up bass line. I need this like a whole in my head. I am the fucking whole in my head. I am everyone's fucking whole. I want.....? I just want everything to be ok. I want it to be 2007 and for this to be over. ALL OF IT! |
| Friday, September 14th, 2001 | |
| 3:59 pm | Please Help!!!!!! Hi everyone. I am going to make this short and sweet because I have to go to work but, I need your help and so does your country. My mother and I are contemplating going to NYC tomorrow to hand out Ziti we are making and hot coffee. I think it would be really nice if the rescue workers (heros) up there could be reminded of how much we appreciate what they are doing for NY and their country. I stongly urge you to send me an email that is actually addressed "Dear Hero," describing the admiration and appreciation we have for these human beings who are risking their lives so that Americans everywhere can find closure and rebuild not just buildings, but hope, on the foundations of our independence and security. It would be an uplifting and beautiful thing for them to cherish. I am planning on printing these emails and handing them out to these men and women. If you are interested please send your emails to: Drewb7yb@cs.com Please Write, "To A Hero" in the subject line. Thanx so much guys! I know you wont let me down. Remember to spread the word to all your friends and give them my email. A quick response would be appreciated. Current Mood:  optimisticCurrent Music: "Born in the USA" by The Boss |
| Sunday, September 9th, 2001 | |
| 2:10 pm | The first week.... Oh yeah!!! The first week is over and I am still feeling pretty confident about things. My classes seem like they will be challenging but that is ok. I have to meet with Ms. McGruder twice a week so that I will stay on track with all my work. That actually makes me feel a lot better about this year. I told her "I want my classes to resemble college courses as much as possible" that way I will be more prepared for life after graduation. The girls and I have been having a blast talking. All we do at lunch is crack up. We talk about the most random and bizare shit. Kate, Ashley, and I constantly laugh about the show "Spyder Games". It is so great to see them again and things look better this year (relationship wise) than they ever have. I think the first year of school we were getting used to each other, last year we all had too many personal crosses to bear to be close to the others, now we all just chill. John and I are doing pretty well. I think we have been doing ok at watching the insanity level of the relationship we are trying to save. There is a mad amount of sexual frustration, but it won't be long until we see each other. John has been talking about coming home this weekend! YEAH! We are going to have a lot of fun! Last night Kate came over to keep me company while we watched the Notre Dame game. I SAW HIM! I SAW MATT LOVECCHIO! God he is my favorite qb of all time. He is looking really good (looks wise) this year. I hope we don't lose again like we did last night. It was actually really pathetic. Davie put Holiday in for a little while. I was distracted at that point though because Dave (who will be referred to as "Toon" from now on) came over to apologize for skimping me outtta $40 worth of weed. We kinda made up and all three of us smoked a MAJOR blunt during half time. Damn was i fucked up! I was laughing about the most amazing shit. Like you have no clue how good it feels to walk in the grass or step on pine cones. Ahhh! That was great. Well, the Ravens are on right now (losing to Chicago) so I am gonna go upstairs and scream at the television. God I love football. Current Mood:  accomplishedCurrent Music: "The Lonesome Kicker" by Adam Sandler |
| Monday, September 3rd, 2001 | |
| 4:43 pm | Morning has broken!!!!!! This is my last entry this summer. School starts tomorrow and I am hell of excited to go back. My mom did the sweetest thing for me today. We went school shopping at Target. I kept looking at all the little kid's folders with Harry Potter on them (books I am deffinitely going to read). I was looking at glue sticks and pencil cases. I said "I wish I were still in 3rd grade. Then I could get new crayons for school!". So my mom bought me some. I have alot of stuff to do today. I have held off on some of the things I wanted to get done all summer: 1.) clean the basement 2.) wash my uniforms 3.) set up my desk and computer table 4.) label books for school 5.) finish summer reading I figure I'll be up until about 4am but I am used to that. Last night I stayed up and watched Rudy again. GREAT MOVIE!!!!!! I remember when we had to memorize a monologue for Footlighters I chose the speech by the grounds keeper to Rudy: "Your a hundred of nothing, 5 feet of nothing, and you've got hardly a speck of athletic ability. But you got to hang in with the best college football team in the land and you are gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. Hell kid, in this lifetime you aint gotta prove nothing to nobody but yourself. And after all you've done, after all you've been through, if you aint done that by now you aint never gonna do it..." There is more I memorized, but that is my favorite part. Last year I had a serious talk with my mom and told her I wanted to quit school. She cried. She said that when I was little she never worried about my future. She said I was so sure of everything and that I never let anybody tell me I couldn't do anything. There was this time, when I was 5, I wanted to build a tree house. Everyone said it was ridiculous since I already had a little playhouse on stilts. Well, I thought about it and thought about it. Saved pieces of wood, asked my uncle how to build a house. Weeks went by and I still couldn't build it. So, oneday we found a sapling under a tree out front. My dad picked it like it was a weed and threw it onto the driveway. So I picked it up, got a small garden shovel, and planted it under my house on stilts. When I went inside I said "Oneday when the tree grows I'll have a tree house". The tree couldn't grow because it didn't get enough sun or rain under there, but i really tried. It just died that winter. But, back to my point, she said that she worries more now than she ever did before. She thinks something in me died and that it's her fault. It's not anyone's fault, but now I see ME coming back for the first time in a long time. The me that no one knows because they weren't there to see me change. I have been scared for such a long time to open myself back up to embracing what I wanted. I have always been afraid to make myself happy. What happens when I lose it? I don't care anymore if I lose it! If I don't try to make myself happy now I will NEVER be happy. I don't care about other people and what they think of me anymore or if they think I am a failure. I don't care who has faith in me or doesn't? I DO GOD DAMMIT! I am gonna be happy if it takes me my whole life to get it. I am gonna get it. I deserve it and fuck anyone who thinks I am full of shit. I won't know half the people i know now in 3 years. This is my time. This is my year. This is the rest of my life and Sr. Marie and dad and jr. seminar aren't going to let me believe anything different. I want this for me! Current Mood:  determinedCurrent Music: a brass section in my head!!!!! |
| Sunday, September 2nd, 2001 | |
| 12:16 am | My Most Truthful Entry What am I supposed to do? Stand here and smile? Am I supposed to be happy with this bullshit situation? Are you allowed to snap your fingers and have me bow to your whims? Am I your sexpot? Just a therapist with a cunt? Am I supposed to believe you? Are you sure this time? Positive? Do you have any clue what I have been through? Do you have an inkling about how much pain I have dealt with while you were the victim? I am always the bitch because I have the strength to say what everyone else sees but they don't even have the courage to think. I am scared as a fly. A fly in this never ending web you have spun in which I am just your prey. In this case I am the sheep disguised as a monster. So how many times is little boy blue and gold gonna cry wolf? If he tells you that he doesn't love you anymore how can you believe him when he says he does? If you annoy him enough to make him want to hurt you that badly than should he still be sleeping in your haystack? I am always the villain. He is always the wounded little boy, but this time it's different. He hurt me. He walked away. He said goodbye and now that he is 600 miles away he loves me again. How am I supposed to respond to that? Am I supposed to tear down all my defenses after I worked so hard to put them back up? Can I admit it? Can I wake up again and not be shaken with uncertainty? I want to believe him. I want to tell him that everything will work out. I want to break down and tell him I love him more than anyone. I want to say "I miss you. I wish you were here! I can't wait to see you!" but I can't. I have done too much to contradict myself. I have never let go. I just occupied myself with other things, guys, friends, money, all to forget. And now that I am sitting here alone I realize that was no better than drinking. I was masking the real problem with other little dilemas. The real problem is that I love him. I love him too much for my own good and it hurts to see him walk in and out. Indiana/Maryland, back/forth. I hate loving him. I try to stop and I can't. I do shit to hurt myself and make him hate me. Make me unworthy of him. The sad part is that we both deserve each other. I am better than I have let myself be, I was just scared to show it. Scared to be the girl he fell in love with who rarely peaks out anymore. That's all on purpose. I backed away the second South Bend was even mentioned after our relationship got serious. I sure as hell didn't want to see him leave, but most of all I didn't want to see the dream I held in my hands and threw away when the road got rough. I am not a strong person like people say I am. I am a wimp who lets go of the things that are best for her to settle for the easier runner-up. I will never get the gold medal for anything. All I wanna know is why did John and Notre Dame come in one package. Now the two things I love and made myself unworthy of are together and I either have to have both or none. Current Mood: empty Current Music: silence |
| Saturday, September 1st, 2001 | |
| 11:04 am | It's starting to feel like fall! So I am still a sickly lil' bitch. I literally stared at my bedroom celing for 7 hours sleepless. I am gonna rip my nasal passages out! I have 2 days left of summer. That sux so much ass, man! I am prolly going out tomorrow so I am going to get one of my girls high before school rapes us for 9 months. I still have so much stuff to do. I am really glad I got off of work this weekend. I guess you all know that I have a slight crush on Matt LoVecchio (hehe, slight my ass). Well, today I sign on and check my College Football news (as I requested to get as a headline when I sign on), and I finally see: "LoVecchio starter for now: Holiday, Clark await chances" By TOM COYNE Okay so good and bad news! Matt is the starter, but maybe not for long! That's like fucking tantric sex! A Big tease!!! Apparently, Bob Davie thinks that LoVecchio is best for the situation (games against Nebraska, Purdue, Texas A&M; to start the season), but not the best QB! I wish Bob Davie would stop fisting himself long enough to see what a great talent they have on the team. Yeah so the Fiesta Bowl was pathetic! So is Bob Davie's wife in bed! If LoVecchio would have had one more game under his belt last season (eligibility) he would have ranked 6th in the nation. Yeah! I am so sure that Clark or Holiday could do that with no experience. It was Matt's first season and he was 7-1. Yeah I guess he made the USA today prep all-American team along with dozens of other lists (Fort Worth, Dallas, Newark, etc.) because he sucks. Whatever! Okay I'm done now. God, I need food. We have like nothing to eat and my dad is a cunt and won't buy anything good unless he likes it. I need some vitamin c or chicken noodle soup. That might help a lil'. I need to sleep as well but it doesn't look like that is gonna happen ever again. I haven't really slept in about a month. If I start to plan Project Mayhem than somebody has to help me! Oh in good news! I am going out to ND the weekend of Nov. 17th. Sweetness! I still have to kiss up a little more but I don't care. We are talking PART TIME! I am already buying shit to go out there. God knows I have been saving mileage long enough on AAdvantage. I might be staying with John but it sounds really risky. I am so glad my parents aren't going. It sucked going with them last time. They didn't want to see anything and leftbefore the game was over. That sucked. My whole life I wanted to go there and they fucked it all up for me. John seems excited to. I am kinda worried about him. He misses me a lot more than he seemed to last fall. I don't know, maybe it's me? I guess I got used to being alone. I really am. Current Mood:  sickCurrent Music: "Get Ready" by Sublime |
| Friday, August 31st, 2001 | |
| 2:25 am | "Memories!........" Alright, this will make no sense whatsoever. I am just going to type random things that remind me of/ oertain to this summer. Ready? Let's go.... CHC, algebra, emo, punk, ska, insomnia, confusion, alcohol, weed, Zoloft, independence, marinara sauce, tips, fake nails, blond hair, vehicular sex, cherry dress, john, fight club, ALMOST FAMOUS!, groupie fever, Towson, George Clinton, fries, Chicken Parmisan Subs (no sauce, instead mayo and lettuce), St. Anthony, Cornelius, Mitch, Notre Dame, rumors, fights, bloody knees, misunderstanding, Genstar, chilling, Justin Resnick, Kate and her glowing cell phone, Trey's compassion, bad habits, Marlboro Lights, self hatred, realizations, denial, excitement, hope, ambition, a yellow VW beetle, getting skimped, making plans, midway through Mercy, growing up, living for the future, mistakes, lessons, lonliness, longing, lying to myself, love?, no turning back. I urge everyone to make a list like mine. Here are more specific things that I will remember about this summer: Songs: "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John and "Happy Together" by the Turtles Movies: "Almost Famous", "American Pie 1 and 2", "Fight Club", and "Rudy" Shows: "All My Children" and "Spyder Games" Job: Waitress at Pasta Blitz and hating it Dreams: School and My SuperBeetle (yellow of course) Brush with Death: In Stettes' van at an intersection in Towson Best Days: Getting Drunk with John and my brother, and chilling in Towson with Kate Worst Days: The night I tried to drink myself to death because "Why doesn't he love me?!", and the day John and I broke up Person I became good friends with: Myself! :) Best Lesson: There comes a point where you can't blame your parents anymore. You have to fix the affects and move on to YOUR goals. Hardest Lesson to Learn: The hardest person to lie to is yourself, you always know the truth Thing I regret the most: What happened to John and I Goal for the school year:..... I know it, thats all thats important. Current Mood:  nostalgicCurrent Music: "Someday" by Sugar Ray |
| Thursday, August 30th, 2001 | |
| 3:12 am | My throat hurts. It really does man. It won't stop. Well, where do I start. John left my house at 7:30 am the day he was due back at ND. We spent the last night together and talked about a lot of stuff. We were both too tired to cry when he drove away so we just laughed. We have talked everyday since he went back and have been real chill. The day he left I was soooooo tired and my mom kept making me cry which really sucked. She kept asking me if I still love him and responded poorly to all my made-up answers until I broke down and just started crying and screaming "I hate him, Mom! Oh my God, I hate him". She started to cry, then smiled and said "yeah, I know you do". I hate it when she tries to humor me.Maybe everyone could see something I couldn't and I needed to be kicked in the head to notice. I feel like a fool. I feel like Penny Lane when she looks out the plane window and remembers that William told her he loved her, and she knows he wasn't lying (unlike Russell). By then he is already gone. Current Mood: contemplativeCurrent Music: "Umbrella" by Dog's Eye View |