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[03 Feb 2002|08:00pm] i miss watching the shadows mask her face, when we walked in the woods, and the mabs flying around her head because the light in her eyes made them think she was one of them. it was amusing, watching them tangle in her hair, getting lost in the golden tresses. her laugh was like a golden brook, giggling and bubbling, and her face was sad when the moon began to set and we had to return to a world she didn't belong in. work, play, eating, sleeping...she never belonged indoors. blow something up

[27 Jan 2002|01:52pm] i saw the writing on the bathroom wall, and everything in the room screamed of him. it was funny. the blood smeared down from where he'd tried to hoist himself up on legs that were no longer there, the tears in his eyes when you realized it was his last moment... i'm not a morbid person. really, i'm not. it's just i felt as though having to hear him laugh at her or point out my stupidity to his friends would have driven me to suicide. i couldn't have that. i liked life too much to die. so i had to kill him instead. life's full of those little bargains that you never know you're making until it's too late and you owe the credit card people thousands of dollars. i'm rambling. forgive me. anyway, back to the point (yes, there's a point, i think). he pushed and pushed, and now he's dead. i like the ring of that. "he's dead." yes, that sounds fine to my ears, and i bet it would sound good to his as well if he weren't...you know...dead. that whole death thing really puts a damper on things, for him at least. i don't mind it at all. it's been a long time since i've taken the time to write something so self centered and stupid, but i guess his "untimely demise" has changed the way i look at a lot of things. it was amazingly easy to get away with...he insisted we live in secret, because i was "so dumb" as his friends put it, but that worked to my advantage. he sneaked in the usual way, we had one last (well, not to HIS knowledge) fuck, and i killed him. it was for all the times he failed to get me off, for falling asleep, for not telling me i was beautiful. would he do it differently if he had the chance? that bimbo was all blond hair and suntan oil. he would have made good-looking children, but i'm pretty sure they would have been mildly retarded. oh well, i guess there's no sense in brooding over the past. what's done is done, and it can't be erased. i can't force all that blood on the walls and floor back into his veins. actually, i like it as a kind of decorative statement. i needed to redecorate the bathroom. hey, maybe he was god for something after all. 3 nuclear reactions| blow something up

[01 Jan 2002|06:51pm] i wish that i could write how you think, in a beautiful mix of colors and sounds, and i could describe exactly how it feels when my entire being pulses in time with the ticking of the clock. it's funny, the thoughts that pass through my head when i'm lying down trying to sleep. sometimes, i wish i could just leap from the covers and grab a notepad. i even have one on my nightstand. still, i refuse to write because i know i'll never stop. i'll have a never ending story of your beauty and my stupidity and a lifetime of mistakes and heartbreak and sadness. i was the embodiment of cold hearted, you were warm and loving. you stepped in, began to melt me, and waltzed away as i thawed. you claimed it was for the best, that i would find someone new and be open to beautiful things because you had softened me. i think you broke me and moved on. you knew you could have me, grew bored, and moved on. you broke my heart, for which i hate you. you forever changed me, for which i thank you. 2 nuclear reactions| blow something up

[30 Dec 2001|01:04am] this goes out to christa because she asked for it on AIM, and she gave me the words "spoon," "bridge," and "cornflake" to write about. jessica liked spoons. she always was a little on the weird side, but this was strange even to her mother. when she started carrying them with her to clank around school, even the principle, mrs. wallace, got a little nervous. but the final straw was when she went to the junior class peprally and started throwing them at the cheerleader, babbling about how they were magical and no one would ever understand otherwise there was nothing they could do except seek help. she was committed to briargate, the swanky playground for bored rich kids pretending to be sick, on a scholarship. her family was poor, but she was such an interesting case she was merriting national press coverage. who'd have thought? dr. west was the youngest resident on staff, and known for cracking even the toughest mental puzzles. rubiks cubes took him less than 30 seconds, and he had jessica figured out in an instant. he knew there would be complications, but he also knew that was a bridge they'd all have to cross together when they came to it. he proposed alternative therapy, and the family willingly agreed. jessica even found it interesting...and she started enjoying school again, when they started letting her eat her cornflakes in class. blow something up

[28 Dec 2001|03:29am] and, after all that, i must quote dear alpha chris...everyone is a wuss. get over it. 1 nuclear reaction| blow something up

[28 Dec 2001|03:11am] [ mood | hysterical ] sometimes i think these "social patterns" i hold are bad for me. if i didn't have so many friends, leaving wouldn't be so damn difficult. too many goodbyes. it's so hard to explain to people you haven't seen in forever why suddenly, now that you're getting close again, you've got to say goodbye. and it's so hard to push myself away from making too good of friends (etc etc) with new people, because there's no point. "dating is now a spectator sport." so true, and so fucking hard. not just dating, but i feel like i've become detached from myself in an effort to make things easier. my mom isn't well. like, really, hardcore not well. i've specifically avoided talking about it on here for quite a few reasons, the main one being she wants to pretend nothing's wrong. most of the time, nothing is. still, i've had more than my fair share of scares (too much rhyming...agh...) matt told me once "you've seen way too much shit in way too short a lifetime." at first, i didn't think i have. but sometimes it's so hard to try and help other people with their problems when i feel like i've got a load of my own. i try so hard to pretend that i'm ok and laugh things off...like i did with the whole delta chi thing. i laughed about losing my virginity to someone i didn't know, and not remembering any of it. then, later down the line, it drove me to the brink of insanity. i told jessica tonight, one more thing, just one more bit of bad news and i will lose it. matta told me i'm not selfish enough. i can't help that, but it is something to work on i guess. i feel so guilty and selfish all the time that i let people lean on me, then spend the rest of my time picking up the pieces of me that are left when i fall over. i can't be the strong one anymore. i just can't deal with it all. i don't know if i can do this. blow something up

[27 Dec 2001|03:36pm] have you ever listened to a song that just made your heart ache? not because you were in a bad mood or anything, just something that moved you beyond all belief...and then, you see something that does the same thing, and you gaze and listen simultaneously and you feel like your soul is going to explode, because you've suddenly become part of something beautiful. and it's fun, knowing that you might be the only person in the world that that song/sight can touch that way, but that everyone probably has a song/sight like that, if they just take the time to find it and think about it and just be open to real beauty. i feel sorry for the heartless and cold bastards and bitches that miss out on the warmth of being a part of something real. it's one thing to observe, it's quite another to be a true liver. what are you? 4 nuclear reactions| blow something up

[27 Dec 2001|02:56am] i opened this to write, and erased it all. here is where i admit that i have no artistry, that i am no poet (duh) or writer (ouch). i started this to remind myself that i am not what i seem, and i won't become it, either. 3 nuclear reactions| blow something up

[25 Dec 2001|08:45pm] you waltzed to the door and i wanted to shake you bastard child with my heart in his hands you know your power and seek to exploit it while i sit crying, in my loving family's arms. i'm too young to drink the way i do it's always because you're in my head running around and poking me in the ribs. i want to make you happy and i do, even when it makes me cry and suddenly, i know i am not alone anymore. you're with me, by my side instead of just by my conscience. it still stings when they pull you from me. i've got this jumbled head of thoughts seems like the only things i say are the things that i put in the trash bin in my skull some are beautiful, but wrong others are truthful and ugly and you love all of them, just like you love me. blow something up

[25 Dec 2001|08:21pm] this day has just been fucked up and completely out of my control...i pretended ok i think, when i was in public, but my mind's kind of spinning and i'm trying to figure out where the hell he belongs in my life and what i want. t-minus 21 days and counting, and i thought i had it all figured out and he changed everything. i need a drink. blow something up

[24 Dec 2001|11:00pm] it's a sad day, pissing off your friends inadvertently and crying on christmas eve. then, i came here to write and nothing will come out, except i'm so jealous of sam and kirk and it's not fair all my friends are finding people and i'm not. then i remember i deserve to be alone. happy holidays... 3 nuclear reactions| blow something up

[24 Dec 2001|01:19pm] sometimes i wonder who needs a break from me, and why they don't just tell me so, so i'll know and not get upset. for example, there are people i don't IM anymore because for awhile i was IMing them constantly, and i felt like i was being annoying. anyway, i was thinking "honestly! just tell me!" and then i realized what a hypocrite that makes me, because i do the same thing. people need time off from other people. i wish everyone understood that - life would be easier that way.

[24 Dec 2001|04:22am] i can't sleep. i even took a hot bath, but still no luck. it's gotten me thinking... so i've only cried over two people in my "love" life...one was dominic (but i was just being dumb) and one was todd. todd's a recent addition in my life romantically, but we've been friends about a year. he was the 2nd person i had consensual sex with, and he had sex with another girl to "get over me." as i was telling jared, i gauge my level of mental dysfunction on the fact that i can relate to two situations. one, is the way matt has treated me as of late, because i don't think i'd have done the same thing, but behind the rashness of his actions i see some weird, twisted logic. second, is what todd did to me. somewhere down the great karma line, this is my penance for the wrongs i've committed. i know this. i've come to terms with this. that's why my heart's not completely broken. i've said it before, and i'll say it again (hey look, a mustard plug quote...anyway)...i need to have my heart broken to start treating people well, but i don't trust myself so i don't trust people with my heart. some say i'm overemotional. sometimes, i'm an emotional anorexic. i had a point to all this, but it's 4:20 AM (hey...) and i'm tired, i just can't SLEEP. it's not fair.hmm...i need to see the labyrinth soon... 1 nuclear reaction| blow something up

[23 Dec 2001|05:52pm] so, i watched coyote ugly which proved hard for various reasons. 1. she moved a grand total of 32 (or something) miles to NYC. i'm moving 1500, and i'm scared as hell, even though i try so hard to hide it (except on here). 2. i can totally relate to her fears about her father, because the scare with my mother damn near killed me. 3. her father was ashamed of her. sometimes i think i bring my father nothing but shame. i know my mom's proud of me. when i asked her if it embarrassed her when people said things about my piercings and my hair, she promised me it didn't. still, i want to please my father in my life, and i never seem to. our relationship has deteriorated beyond all belief, which kills me. instead, my mother and i have gotten very close, which helps, but it still hurts that my dad doesn't seem to ever be satisfied. 4. her father wouldn't let her move home again, which is a subject that weighs heavy on my heart. what if i hate it? what if i can't afford it? what if i completely destroy what semblance of a "successful" life i do have? i wanted to come home from LSMSA 2nd semester of my senior year, and my parents made me stick with it. i'm so proud of myself for finishing. still... 5. i'm not good at anything. although i would like the opportunity to dance on a bar like that... 6. i had a fleeting though of throwing in "i don't have a totally hot guy who's in love with me" but i realized i honestly don't care about that so much right now. real life romance is nothing like the movies, so it's not even a fair comparison. besides, i'm starting to think i'm the anti-romantic. if one more person tells me i remind them off this movie, i will scream. so it's totally up my alley to drench myself (and all my friends), flirt with every guy near me, consume/serve lots of alcohol, and shake my booty...that doesn't have anything to do with anything. 3 nuclear reactions| blow something up

[20 Dec 2001|02:00am] i wandered inside, and found you surrounded by your usual circus of admirers...as they parted like the red sea to allow me to reach you, i began to wonder why you bothered dating me at all. then, as i kissed your cheek and signaled for a beer, i saw the light in your eye. that offhanded look towards me, of complete adoration...i only recognized it because i know it mirrored my own on so many occasions. after all, isn't that what love is? a stolen glance, a quick kiss, holding hands so we don't get separated in a crowd...and suddenly, it all made sense to me. it wasn't a matter of convenience anymore, it wasn't a "we're together because everyone else assumes we are" thing. it was because, somewhere along the way i'd fallen for you, too hard and too fast, but completely and emotionally attached. we were so opposite, and so right...and now, as i look back, i see what a beautiful thing that could have been. instead, i messed it up because i'm me and you're you, and that would have been too "perfect" to allow. the world wasn't ready for love like that, and neither were we. or at least, i wasn't. now, i'm dating around, restless, and thinking about you because you're no longer mine and we really don't see what we have until it's too late. blow something up

[19 Dec 2001|01:56am] i plan to continue that piece later. i got a lot of positive feedback, plus, it just felt right. well, at least the first couple paragraphs did... have you ever wanted something so badly you could taste it, even knowing it was self destructive? that's what i'm feeling right now. tonight we went out, and i guess you could say "i still have it," but that basically means i'm still the same - not with the person i want to be with. it's like, i see aaron and katy, and i know they have something incredibly special. i'm jealous. i admit it. i want something special. however, i've got something special with a lot of people - people that don't let people close, but i'm close to. it's flattering, but not the same. i want a "romantic" relationship that's special. i think i had that with someone who shall remain nameless, but we had a lot of fucked up circumstances that made us end up a lot differently than i would have planned. do i regret that fact that we're over? not necessarily. still, it makes me wonder. it's a terrible, thing, wonder, because it makes you play that awful "what if" game that leads to nothing but self loathing. there's always "i should have done this" or "i should have...*insert word here* it's an awful, self defeating game because you DIDN'T do that particular thing, and you have no way or changing that, because there's nothing that you can do. there's no changing the past, but you still wish with everything your entire being that thing could be different... but it's not. blow something up

[17 Dec 2001|02:12am] [ music | Walt Disney - Fantasia ] i woke up, in this gauzy aftermath of a dream stupor, and you were gone. i could still smell you on the sheets. i heard the shower running, and peeked in. you were bending, and stretching, and for the first time i didn't want you...i wanted to be you. you were so beautiful, graceful, completely absorbed in shampooing and scrubbing and shaving...i began to feel jealous of your body, because you always gave it so much more attention than you did me... i had breakfast ready when you came down, but you grabbed a bagel and made for the door. absentmindedly, there was your conventional doubling back to kiss my cheek, an afterthought, second to the work that occupied every moment of your waking life. i was losing you. i went for my morning run, doubling my usual route and trying to clear my head. the snowy morning was unusually silent. no garbage trucks, other runners, snow shovelers...just me, the cold, gray morning, and your ghost, stuck beside me like always. after a quick shower and another cup of coffee, i sat at my computer and began to code. things came out exceptionally easily - surprising, since i wasn't thinking about the loops and variables and semicolons...i was thinking about you. and i hated every fucking moment of it. to be continued? hell i don't know. i just felt like doing SOMETHING... blow something up

[17 Dec 2001|01:56am] [ music | 07 - halcyon & on & on - orbital ] hey, guess what? i've got the password to matt's journal. also, i think it's getting deleted soon. seeing as i'm the one who hooked us up, and he's gone so far over the line i don't think i'll ever forgive him. i've parted ways with countless friends, over one thing or another, but it's usually been with somewhat good terms. meaning, if i found out tomorrow that something happened to lexi, or someone else, i'd be upset. with matt, i don't think i'd even flinch. that is how devastated i am. he's taken it upon himself to unite my exboyfriends/flings in their dislike of me, and everyone has decided to outline exactly how i have fucked up their psyche or lives. now, i have no desire to live, but since death is not an option (barring an act of God), it's just made me want to move even more. enough is enough. 5 nuclear reactions| blow something up

[17 Dec 2001|01:24am] [ music | Veruca Salt - Loneliness Is Worse (1) ] so, i've pissed off one of the few people i thought would get it. i'm ready to move. perhaps in colorado i'll reinvent myself and become a much better person. God knows i've got an abundance of room to improve. i'm trying to pack, and i can't think straight anymore. i wish todd would come back over. he seems...safe. it's a weird feeling, being completely at home with someone i really don't know that well. why couldn't i have met him months ago, when i needed that stability and comfort. wait, months ago i wasn't looking for comfort and stability. i wanted to party. now i've found someone awesome that i'm avoiding so i don't get attached. i want to write, but i need to pack. oh man, how fucking appropriate is this song? *sigh* thank you random winamp...the irony never ceases to astound me. 4 nuclear reactions| blow something up

[16 Dec 2001|03:42am] i haven't felt like writing lately, but i'm so fucked up beyond all belief, emotionally, that i felt i needed to write something... we saw vanilla sky tonight...my friends thought it was awesome. i found it profoundly disturbing. it's been a long time since something tangible has invoked emotions in me that i cannot recognize. i just sat there, with my mouth flopping open, stunned. i know i looked stupid, but i don't care. andy hugged me on the way outside and i couldn't even react. i heard them whispering about me, but i didn't know how to tell them that movie made me desperately... empty. hollow. something. journals, e-mails, instant messages...everything seemed so pointless. i think i scared danae. i feel bad about that, but i can't form a healthy thought right now. i seriously feel like i got mind fucked. 8 nuclear reactions| blow something up

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