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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Inara's LiveJournal:
| Wednesday, July 31st, 2002 | |
| 8:18 pm | at a loss with out her... So, it always seems when I want to write in this thing, I have so much to explain, in order to get my point across. don't know if that will happen this time...but whatever. Basically what it comes down to is patryce and I are no more. We kind of were going back and forth for a while, but now it's final. Mind you not by my choice but by hers. the reason is, cause she has stuff to work out in her life, and she can't do it with me..which i understand. plus she said she wasn't ready for the kind of commitmen we had .. and that she is still getting used to things. She even started faling out of love with me, cause of certain things she didn't like about my character. Now she also lied to me, granted when I found out, she told me she did it to protect me, but knowing how I am with lieing..it was just wrong. she had placed a personal ad, i found out, and she at first lied, saying it had been up for a year. she eventually told me the truth..but still. She said the ad is up cause she wants to make new friends, but she describes what she is attracted to...physically and all so I think it's more. Now you would think perhaps after all this, I would just be able to let go, and if it was anyone else I would...but with her, I can't. I mean i give her the space she needs...althouh we still talk like every day...as friends. But that's all it is, i suppose for her...for me, I still look at her as the keeper of my heart. Never in my entire life, have I cared this much for someone. It scares me cause I know that if things don't work out with us, I won't want to be with anyone else. In fact I'd rather be alone, then to lie to someone else, and myself...and pretend to love them. It's like I don't even care about me, I just want to do for her...you know? Not that i am a selfish person normally, but with her..I wnat to ggive her everything. Never thinking for a second, before doin thins for her. I want to give her the world..and why..to see her smile...to make her happy. But alas, she is young, and needs time, which is fine..I just wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish I could see what the future holds. lately I just have been going through the motions, I get what i need to get done..but still the aching is there. It's funny how I can be surrounded by people, and be completely lonely. I don't even want to see anyone, except....patryce of course, and tim and rob. That's about it, except for the phone/computer convo, with selected people. Anyway, so I have been ramblin..I meant this to be short. Current Mood:  crushedCurrent Music: memoies of her sweet voice, sining sweetly |
| Sunday, April 28th, 2002 | |
| 1:18 am | Im not even sure what to write , right now. I am so sick of hurting, and sleepless cold nights, with too many shed tears to count. Patryce is sleeping, which is unfair to me, I hate that I am up and shhe is not. But then again, she can always turn off her emotion. Tonight, we are fighting, about Tia and cassie....again. I suppose it's my fault my own insecurities, I just dont'understand, why I can't go out with them. Tia called tonight saying they are comin up tommorrow, and Patryce is hangingg out with them. I am not invited...o forget it...I can't even finish this...I just want to get wasted Current Mood: rejected |
| Friday, April 26th, 2002 | |
| 1:11 pm | Conquering the world... I did it I registered for classes at Community College of Philadelphia :). FINALLY I AM DOINg IT!!!! Current Mood:  excited |
| Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002 | |
| 12:25 am | insomnia.... Ok so today patryce moved in, and it's a good thing. I love he more than life, but still I am petrified. She is inside herself,and needs me to be close to her, which I fully understand. Only problem is I need that too. I need her to make love to me and she can't..this is really getting to me. Last night, the last night in her house we cmoked up, she got m al turned on, and all..then got emotional. So i held her, and comforted her. Whispered the reasons I love her into her ear, whichI am sure she doesn't remember cause she was a sleep. Then I masturbated, and rocked myself to sleep. Funny how masturbation has turned into a form of release..not sexually but emotionally. Doedn't seem anyone wans me.I am trying to understand it..i mean I hope in a couple days things will go back to normal..but I wonder. I know I am probably being selfish, i just can't get hurt again. I can't even get out all I want to say..and this probably doesn't even make sense, I am just a wreck. I am longing for her, and now she is sleeping in my bed...or our bed i guess, and I am up haunted by my fears. I wonder if anyone understads, that although this move is hard on her, because of the huge chang she is going through, it's hard on me too...my whole life is now upside down. UGH! I just want peace. Ok I am rambling. Goodnight cruel world. Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: "Hazard to Myself" - Pink (my current theme song) |
| Friday, April 19th, 2002 | |
| 12:57 pm | can't stop crying.... I don't even know why I can't stop crying these days, it's like I am one open wound, and salt keeps being poured in. My insecurities haunt me so much.Patryce is reading this letter from her friend tia, and I know it shouldn't bother me, how close they are but it does. Maybe it's cause I long for her to admire me, and care for me like she does tia.Maybe it's cause tia writes beautiful poetry, or takes amazing pictures..i don't know. She even uses songs that were our songs on her tape. I'm so sick of feeling like nothing. I just want once to mean everything to someone. I give up I want to die...I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!!! Current Mood: crushed |
| Wednesday, April 17th, 2002 | |
| 11:02 am | long time no see Hey everyone, Sorry I haven't been on for like ever...I have been busy...and stuff. I don't even know if I am coming or going. Anyway life has been it's typical roller coaster lately. Patryce is moving in with me, which is great, but of course now I am seeing all these different sides of her. It scares me. I hate the masks people where. I am sick of being lied to , and walked on. I tell you if this doesn't work out it will be the last time I open my heart. Oh geeze, now I am holding stuff back, because I have an outlet. Yu know people are funny, they don't like my honesty, they say I am to emotional, and take stuff to seriosly, but then when I try to comprimise, and keep things to myself I am the asshole! F**K EVERYONE! I am done. I hope you are well alice I miss you. Current Mood:  bitchyCurrent Music: ani d - to the teeth album |
| Monday, February 11th, 2002 | |
| 3:04 pm | A quote from some movie "You know, It's a wonderful thing, as time goes by, to be with someone who looks at your face, after you've gotten older, and still sees what you think you look like." Lets just hope we all find that some day. |
| 3:02 pm | Alone in Wonderland oops posted twice Current Mood: crushed |
| 2:51 pm | It seemed out of nowhere not to long ago, my alice seemed distant...as if she had forgotten me. After not hearing from her for days, we spoke today and she told me she has a GF. That for her isn't a normal thing...not a commited relationship anyway. I remembered her telling me how much I meant to her, that she'd drop everything for me, even be commited to me..as if that meant something..and I thought it did, until now. However that's not what hurts....what hurts is that as soon as she realized I was upset, she signed off, and sent me an e-mail..telling me to grow up...and when I do then to e-mail her. I seemed to remember when I thought I had found somone she pulled away from me, and acted like an asshole. I know we live across the country, and we'd only ever be frieds...but I still thought of her as important. I guess I'm not needed and that's fine. At least it happened at a point in my life where I have already hit rock bottom. So here i will be in wonderland..."Of with my head" - silly mouse why do you bothr to care for anyone. I was and still am happy for her...all I needed al I wanted was simply time to adjust. WHAT DOES EVERYONE WANT FROM ME?! WHAT DD SHE WANT FROM ME?! Current Mood: crushed |
| Sunday, February 10th, 2002 | |
| 2:26 pm | So here I am on sunday..alone and bored out of my mind. My nana's still in Florida, Aunt Robin and Frank, went out, and won't be home till late tonight. Tim's at work...and well he's about all the friends I have..at least that are around. I could call Rob, but don't like him like he likes me. So that would be weird. So i'm just watching "Waiting to Exhale" and feeling sorry for myself. I need to get a job,and a life. I'm terribly pathetic. I e-mailed nancy and told her I wouldn't be spending the summer in rehobeth...cause it was to difficult. I told her I'd always love her, and be her friend. And whenever I hear the indigo Girls (especially "Ghost"), or see a rainbow I'd think of her. I wish my feelings for her would go away...and those I have for Jenna...as much as she hurt me I still care for her. I want the person I fall in love with to be the same person who falls in love with me, I want someone to write a song for me, to go around the world with me, to stay up late and have conversations about everything and nothing, to bring me flowers - at home at work - wherever, to take me on a hot air balloon ride, to send me on a wild goose chase around the city, to watch me sleep, to read me bedtime stories, to let me cry, and be weak, but still tell me i'm strong, to dance with me, to make me laugh, to spend sundays in bed with me, to do crazy things with, like sky diving, to go camping/rock climbing,/bike riding with, to make love to me in a way I can't imagine, to leave me love notes, to go to parks with me, and art museums, someone who likes rainbows, and the ocean, sunsets/sunrises/rain, who may have different tastes then me, but won't put be down for them, instead we would experiance each other, I want someone who makes my tummy do flip flops, who astounds me with they're intelligence/wit/beauty, who cares for people and animals, who is passionate, who believes in things, who makes me laugh...I want all these and more...but I want them in one person. Current Mood: discontentCurrent Music: the TV |
| Saturday, February 9th, 2002 | |
| 9:49 pm | So I'm watching the movie "Seven" ... it's creepy, and I'm all by myself....ooh this is scary. so yea...I feel like writing, but what's the point. |
| 11:39 am | My hands are bound by a non-existantrope, that only i feel. Trapped inside this cell , the devils laugh sounds like music now, and I can't hear the angels singing anymore. Bloody, raw, and broken..so this is what fate has brouht me..I accept it...just make it fast and painless. |
| 11:30 am | |
| 11:26 am | |
| 11:21 am |  I am bad. So bad. I absolutely hate people and animals. In fact, I probably sacrifice them. No one likes me, but of course it isn't my fault. I should just go back to New York because I am a corrupt Jesus. Take the What Jesus Would You Be? Quiz |
| 11:16 am |  |
| 11:14 am |  Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz |
| 11:09 am | Oh this isn't even funny....  Which John Cusack Are You? |
| 10:53 am | Can any one see ME through the looking Glass "She drank so hard the bottled ached!" <---- and Im feeling it now...words from a song fitting my life right now. So I went to Shampoo last night and had an OK time, i got drunk , I had the boy that likes me keep being cute with me, which was ok...but I realized that it really isn't for me. However then I got shot down 3x's by 3 different women..so you know..that kills your ego. Funny though cause at the end of the night I ran into my ex's (lori's) ex g/f and I was like "This sucks I got shot down 3x's in one night..what do you do when that happens" - and the she grabbed me and kissed me for like a minute. Weird..then she walked away...so yea..probably felt bad. Although after that another girl came up to me and said "I know you don't know me, but I think You are the hottest girl in here" I was like all that's so sweet. So my ego was a little better. Then my friends and I went to WaWa to get food, and I ran into 2 girls I used to work with, and we were all so excited to see each other Lynn and I are hanging out on Sunday...I found out she's kissed a girl before. That was bizarre but cool. Then I got home, e-mailed P, asking her to call me when she got in from the diner...and went to bed. I put on sappy music that made me cry my eyes out..and crashed. P never called, or e-mailed me back but I know she got my e-mail so I feel like something's wrong. This all just sucks And my alice has found her way out of wonderland. But i'm hppy for her...I love her, and only want the best for her. Ok, so i'm cranky...enough bitching, time to go watch mindless TV and hope it clears my head. Current Mood:  crankyCurrent Music: songs in my head |
| Friday, February 8th, 2002 | |
| 4:23 pm | |
