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Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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7:16 pm - liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.
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just as a note... ive been stomping around here a lot more lately... err... a lot of the crap over there goes into more of who i am than anything ive ever written over here can match up with.
... also, im still weird about paying attention to things with good design... and im still applauding myself for that layout over there... obviously, im not applauding any of the templates here... and im too cheap to change that by becoming some paid-member-LJ-ho. Diary-X deserves my ho-loyalty more since im able to mold it into something that looks really good, as opposed to really ugly... so yeah. also, ive noted that my babblings, and most other people's babblings look good on pretty things. hm...
i talk about more interesting things there. well, im turning a new leaf. Live Journal represents the hate. Diary-X represents the love for obscure American culture like Graceland, Jerry Springer, Sister Wendy, all the Fox/Viacom/Turner-owned channels, CSPAN and CSPAN 2 (need i say more? when you have Goretron showing off his mad hunt-and-peck typing skills for a conference where him and someone else communicate on "the email" [ha ha jenn!] on one, and some rock band made up of Republican Senators playing a bad cover of The Rolling Stones' "Jumping Jack Flash" at a Salute To Republicans banquet dinner on the other... i cant help but watch that shit.), Master P and the whole No Limit Records-thing, and my personal favourite... superstores like Wal-Mart with the McDonalds inside.
oh, it also represents all sorts of other things. including the original, "old" libby-model that was seen during 1998-early 2000... but theres no hate over there... thats what im expecting people to go over there for.
i will come back over here, and i will still look at my friends page everyday and comment and all of that good stuff... but i suppose im going to take a break from LJ, and work on getting back the old-libby. au revoir, bitches.
current mood:  working
current music: Gorillaz - Left-Hand Suzuki Method
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(6 thoughts | think)
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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1:26 pm - biblical party 2002
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last night, when i was out with malman, we were doing our driving around in the 'burbs deal... like what we used to do when he was still living down here... so here we were, hauling ass on 270 towards Rockville (we went up to Frederick for no apparent reason), and amongst all the "UNITED WE STAND" banners hanging on overpasses... one really... ummm... stood out.
"WILL YOUR GOOD WORKS WITHSTAND GOD'S FIRE TEST?"
no kidding. thats what it said. someone took the time to paint that with orange letters on a sheet, and hang it on one of the overpasses near the Shady Grove ext... without even giving anyone who sees it an idea as to what in the hell they're talking about... i really am confused by this... the only biblical references to fire that i can think of is the lake of fire, and the burning bush... i dont recall anything about this so-called "fire test". mal and i thought of all sorts of ideas as to what "fire test" means. the only one that made any ounce of sense is nuclear war... but still... even that makes no sense to us in terms of the good works part, and some force known as "god" wouldnt do that when it could do some more elaborate method of detroying mankind.
although, "fire test" can mean satan tempting you, since satan supposidly is a part of god, just the bad-side... but tempting you to do what? so yeah... that idea is a little off.
and what do "good works" have to do with this "fire test"? why would my "good works" need to withstand a "fire test"? i want answers! this is going to bother me for a long time!
i dont know... this is why i try to stay away from religion as much as humanly possible... hm. it's probably some "THE END IS NEAR" thing.
current mood:  curious
current music: Aphex Twin - Ogmyjya-Switch 7
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(5 thoughts | think)
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| Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
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11:07 am - ... as the tides calm, and the clouds move off shore.
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*** alas, im feel much better now. Jenn gave some supporting pieces that let me know that im not the only one who sees this... Quianna helped a lot in a subliminal way through warning me of something else... Mal gave his usual piece... Jeff contributed to what Mal said... so thank you to all of you.
*** Mal's leaving tomorrow. everybody, please say goodbye to him. he will love everyone if you do. he loves love. i love, love too... but im not as willing to give random love anymore. i admire you, Mal.
*** i dont know weither or not im going to write much in here anymore, let alone write anywhere else where its public. i dont really feel inclined to share my life with anyone else besides people who are close to me anymore. those feelings can change within an hour... but i dont know... most of the time, to be honest, i feel like im talking to a brick wall... although im sure everyone else on here can say the same thing... hmm... wait. i didnt really talk about much of my life, did i? no, i didnt. nevermind.
bad news everybody; im going to keep subjecting you to worthless, boring writing.
my explanation for why i dont talk about what happens to me often? not much really does happen to me anymore. what am i supposed to tell all of you? "i ate a sandwich, watched TV, and went skateboarding today! OMG. see susie! ive been reeeeeaaaallllyyyyyyyyy busy lately!!!11 but i will be at the mall on saturday! bye!"
hah. thats why i end up writing strange stories, essay-type things, and complain periodically about whats wrong with me and how i think many are dragging me down and how sad that makes me feel... oh well. im making a promise to everyone on here that i wont complain [as much] anymore... if i break the promise, please feel free to yell at me. i need some yellin' and fussin', now that i have some lovin'.
current mood: better
current music: Up, Bustle, & Out - Coffee At Senor Rocco's
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(7 thoughts | think)
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| Monday, February 25th, 2002
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7:39 pm - oh, my life of woes and bitching. will the drama ever end?
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ive been... out of sorts since last wednesday... hell, actually, for the past few months... and i apologize to pretty much everyone ive conversed with in the past few days. anything ive said to you since then, scratch out all of it. not that any of it was bad, but i dont know... im afraid that it's scaring some of you off. i know some of the things i do have to say throw people. im just too opinionated for my own good... and ive realised that im starting to have a really difficult time talking to other people. not just online, but in person as well. i can admit, i have been spending too much time alone. i know isolation does something to you, when you've only had books and your thoughts keeping you company... i think, right now, there are only four people that im able to talk to without making them feel awkward or have them make me feel awkward, anymore. although, it's been getting to a point where everyday, i feel like im subliminally pushing those four people away through what i say... i can explain why such weird shit comes out of me. what happens to me is that i know what i want to say in my head, but then when i speak or write, it comes out all wrong and then i feel really stupid for even bothering to say something.
another reason that contributes to me being the way i have been is that i have been really down lately. well, im always depressed about something... but lately its gotten worse. with all of that said, so far; thats the primary reason why Mal came down here. he's always been the only person in my life who can save me from myself and make me feel as if im the greatest fucking person on earth. but ive learned the Jeff also has that amazing ability...
i suppose i should go into why i am feeling this way, since there will be no doubt that i'll get asked... the first, and main reason is that i dont feel appreciated, in the creative sense, anymore. people liked it when i wrote funny shit back in the day or drew a lighthearted picture of some hyperactive-looking anime character. now that ive matured, and [i feel] that my artwork has matured... im beginning to see that people dont like the things i do. im even beginning to question weither they really did. my example: that short story below. did any of you even enjoy that, let alone understand it? just as a note, that short story, as bizzare as it seems, was supposed to be like that... there is some humour to it...i guess you have to know what existentialism is all about to get it...
i have learned in the past year that people truely dont like "serious" stuff. i end up getting dubbed as "serious" by a lot of peers... therefore, im sure thats all adding up... i suppose im a bad "artist" in the regard that im not really good at handling people who dont like my work or dont understand it. it's not that i get angry at people or anything... but it does upset me and it makes me question weither i should even bother or not. okay, backtrack. with people understanding my work... i should say develop their own interpretation. most people really do want a forward, and clear explanation as to what in the hell that drawing is or what that story's about... and frankly, when i feel ive made something where people will feel inclined to think about it, and try to find relevance and meaning to their life... its like ive pulled a Castanza [ha ha Greg!], and i have everyone either not liking it, or not caring. my whole motive blows up in my face, and im left crying tears of rage and disappointment... it fucking sucks. maybe im making myself suffer, creatively, by showing my stuff to complete and total idiots who are only entertained by shit like "World's Most Dangerious Police Chases" and that pointless, horrible "Jackass" show that used to be on... people who are unable to expand beyond their televisions to... nevermind. ive probably lost all of what little friends i have now.
thats another thing. i dont have many friends anymore. granted, i do feel very lonely, but i always ask myself weither i want to surround myself with idiocy like i used to and be really unhappy that my friends are morons, or enjoy being with the little group i still have where we all respect each other and have a good time... i am trying to find other people... but it really is failing. Mal told me it was because i challenge people. not directly, but how they think, with what i have to say... and he also told me that my interests are ones that not many people even like to think about, let alone converse about... which i can understand that... but im not willing to give them up just to find friends... so im pretty much stopping all of that...
im just beginning to give up with everything. i dont feel acknowledged enough to continue with music, art, or writing... im too fucking "intense" to be even friends with people... i know it sounds like im feeling sorry for myself... and i suppose i am... but this is, and has been what its all looking like to me as to whats wrong with me...
current mood:  tired
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(18 thoughts | think)
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2:40 pm - bad existentialist fiction
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Dr. Chaussy looked me, and sighed. "Mrs. Tittlesworth..." he said, "... i dont know what to do. tell me, what should i do to keep all of this from happening to me?"
glancing out across the green english countryside, i stood still... and silent. i was thinking about how pathetic this is. not just this excuse for a doctor yapping at me. everything, and everyone. everyone came to me, Mrs. Tittlesworth, because everyone back in town thinks that im some psychological miracle worker. they also think that im perfect enough to solve their problems. the hell of it is that, each individual likes to think that they, and everyone else is some pristine, prissy little box.
but they crack, and i end up having to untie the bow, open the lid, and repackage them with my vague excuses of comfort and help.
"Mrs. Tittlesworth?"
he was waving his hand in front of my face. "are you okay?" he asked.
i shot him a somewhat mischivious expression, and replied "i think i am, now.". Dr. Chaussy was rather puzzled by all of this. he was even more puzzled when i started to walk away from him, and out into the vast fields.
he stood, calling my name, until my small, distant figure disappeared into the hills.
the [bizzare] end
current mood: working
current music: Radiohead - Dollars & Cents
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(2 thoughts | think)
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| Sunday, February 24th, 2002
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2:20 pm - life in these united states pt. I : individualism? i dont see what you're talking about.
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i can admit, when i moved here, the culture shock was to the extreme.
but it wasnt because i was surprised by obscurity, or anything like that. if anything, it was for the exact opposite.
i was blown away by how much everyone tries to look the same and how little difference there was between people in not only appearance, but by character. you'd think that in a country this large, you would have more variety amongst the masses... you would also think that people would be a little more... err... accepting towards people who like different things and dont try to box themself into this label. Americans brag about the amount of individuality each person posseses, but when i look around, i just see people putting down others for not being punk enough... ghetto enough... preppy enough... goth enough... skater enough... emo enough... etc... and most of the time, it's not based on the true ideologies of each group that a certain person embraces and shares with everyone else. its all about the clothes and the music.
i dont know. maybe im not seeing some deeper reason as to why theres so much emphasis on pigeonholing and belittling and labeling others in all the little sub-culture civil wars... although i highly doubt there is, besides the reason that i find most Americans to be insecure mofo's that have to feel self-rightious by putting others down and ignoring others for not being adequate in their "lifestyle-interests" enough to even be civil with.
i can admit, after living here for five years, you would think i would be used to it and able to ignore it... well, i am able to, but i cant help but think about how things were back home... with living on an island in the middle of the fucking Pacific that was a huge port and all of that... you were bombarded with so many different cultures, fashion, music, etc. there was much more variety with everything, and it was cool to like 100+ different things and to combine styles of fashion and all that stuff. there was no such thing as being a "poser", as people here like to call it. i dont recall ever hearing people yap about what they are because of the music the listen to or any useless shit like that... it's irritating... it's even more irritating that i cant figure it out beyond my "well, it's an american-thing" attitude. i dont know... i do want to understand it beyond my personal bias... maybe someone can explain this to me... help? anybody?
it's interesting... in terms of what brought all of this on. surprisingly, it has nothing to do with overhearing people at work or friends or anything like that... i was looking through LJ communities today, including the ones i ended up joining... and it's like... jesus christ. who in the fuck are you people? and who in the fuck are you to just waltz around and belittle others for what they dig... and not take into account the person's personality? the hell of it is, im sure they can find something to make fun of you about that you would just totally get up in arms about... sheesh.
current mood:  irritated
current music: Malcow being grumpy and the tv
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(6 thoughts | think)
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| Saturday, February 23rd, 2002
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9:15 pm - mmmmmmm... menfolk.
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i am... having too much fun with boys.
current mood:  happy
current music: Mal babbling about how Greg Rucka and his books are killer and how Jonathan Franzen's nothing for what he's hyped up to be.
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(think)
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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8:34 pm - urkelian television dynasty: the useless analysis of "Family Matters" that was done off the cuff.
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how many of us are lucky enough to get reruns of Family Matters on whatever channel you get it on?
im one of the many who do... and from 5 - 6 [they show two eps.] every weeknight i watch it, since i like that show for its wholesome family crap... and for Urkel, of course. anyway, as we all know, the show was on ABC's once-overwhemingly popular primetime "TGIF" lineup for many, many years.
and during those many, many years; the show has captured and amused many many people.
sure, at first the show was a little rocky, and towards the very end, it was fucking bizzare. all tv shows are like that... but during it's hayday, the ever-so quaint and charming Winslow family and Steve Urkel's antics that involved destroying, inventing, and making us laugh... made us laugh. oh yes, dont forget the other characters that were killed off and the ones who were added as time went on, such as:
Myra -- one of Laura's friends and Steve's flame, then later on, desperate stalker
Stefan -- Steve's suave clone/counterpart
Waldo -- Eddie's idiot best-friend
Grandma Winslow -- the cool grandmother... she disappeared!
3-J -- the little brat Steve was the Big Brother for.
Ritchie -- one season he was there, the next, he was gone. wasnt he adopted by the Winslows?
there were, of course, more.. and dont forget the useless celebrity cameos that made girls across America squeal in delight like Queen Latifah, Immature, and etc. beyond that, everyone who was a scripted character help build the friday night-tv family that made us yearn for more in the relationships with our own dysfunctional families.
like all sitcoms, especially the family-ones, you had the serious episodes that delt with the real-life issues for the time. granted, they were rather tame situations, but they delt with them. i dont think i need to go through the ones i remember, since they're all standard... so in that case, i should look at and bore you with the socio-economic/enviroment factors that the writers threw these characters into and how those serious situations fed into that.
the Winslows were your average, american middle-class family where the husband worked, the wife stayed home, and the kids went to school and hung around with their stupid friends. not much happening there, financially. even though Carl Winslow was a sgt. on the Chicago Police Squad, that means nothing since he worked for the government and was paid with the hardworking people's tax dollars... although he could have been paid more than what i have worked out in my head since at the time, oldster-Bush declared war on drugs, and spent millions (of tax dollars) on that pathetic cause.
now, the socio-enviroment was pretty... umm... it was pretty boring. if those characters were real... i assume that the parents were born in the early 50's/maybe late 40's... so people who have grown up with parents that age at that time tend to be a little more open and willing to conform based on what their parents are ordering them to do and how to act... at least thats how i see it with the shows from that time, and how people are in reality... so the kids were pretty good by our standards today because of the parents. they didnt curse like sailors... they got into trouble on occasion... usually it wasnt bad... and there might be some big flair up like someone drinking, crashing the family car, etc. yeah... it was all because the parents enstilled their morals and values into the kids to such a degree that they wouldnt even dream of doing shit most kids would do today.
how does that tie in with the situations? enviromentally, i ended up explaining that above. as a recap for people who dont read all the way through, the parents enstilled their quasai-fascist americana bourgeois ideals into the kids. economically, with the tameness of the situations... unfortunatly, i can point that to the self-estimated family income. the Winslow's were unable to afford heroin addict kids, their kids going to private schools were they're able to be exposed to all sorts of fucked up shit, and etc... thus, the situations were brief, and petty, all thanks to how the writers built up the characters.
how sad... you know, i could bore all of you further, and state the POLITICAL details involving the show's serious plots.
current mood: retrospective
current music: The Flaming Lips - Riding To Work In The Year 2015 (You're Invisible Now)
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(11 thoughts | think)
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11:49 am - hm. someone sent this to moi.
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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12:45 pm - let's talk about jeff.
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i had a great time last night... Jeff's a really, really nice guy... and he's very handsome.
hmmmm... what did we do? well, i met him in Adams Morgan around 7 so we could go look for a place to eat. after walking around and talking for a half an hour, we went to this mexican place (yes i know there are 100+ mexican restaurants there. the name of it escapes me.)... talked some more... ate... talked.... and then left. so after all of that, we just walked around and talked some more.
we talked about everything... it turns out that he's just as nuts as i am. he also hates people as much as i do... his interests are pretty simular to mine as well.
so anyway, he walked me home last night, and gave me a humble kiss on the cheek and told me that he had a great time. blah blah blah. what a great evening.
now im assuming that everyone wants to know his dossier and what he looks like, etc. hm.
he's 17... well he just turned it. so... he's older than me by a few months. in the looks dept... he's thin... not very muscular... but thats cool. he has brown eyes and at the moment, bright optic yellow hair (cool, huh? naturally, its brown.). he spikes it out everywhere. oh, and he's stuck at St. Albans, and doesnt graduate until next year.
ahhh... so he's definatly someone who i'll be seeing for awhile... i hope :\
oh yeah, Malman's coming down on thursday. brace yourself, America.
current mood: good
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(4 thoughts | think)
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