|
|
Friday, February 22nd, 2002
| |
3:00 pm - p.s.
|
you wanna know what is sort of sad? some times when i am walking around, i will think of something brilliant and try to remind myself to write it in my livejournal. that is oh-so-pathetic, but i only do it so i can pass on the savings to you shoppers--SEE, I AM A GIVER, DAMMIT!
in theory.
|
|
(2 hits | get down, baby)
|
| |
2:44 pm - (i know a lot of you read this now, thanks)
|
i just lost my digital camera's case and the USB cable for it was in the bag...and i just got a C on my english midterm and a D on my math quiz...god, i am on a roll here. high 5 me!
current mood: KICK ME in THE HEAD
current music: the beatles - i'm still sleeping
|
|
(1 hit | get down, baby)
|
| |
4:58 am - mmmm
|
so i am looking for an lj community to join because, well, real life just isn.t cutting it. and this is what i find:
mutterers is for those of us who talk to ourselves. Our best and most unique ideas often come from just muttering in the halls or carrying out long conversations with ourselves. We find that doing so is a great way to get through problems, make decisions, etc.
Interests:
conversation, conversing, decisions, ideas, indiglo, insomnia, journaling, journals, light bulbs, mutterings, observing, paper, pens, people, schizophrenia, schizophrenics, speaking, talking, thinking, thought processes, trains of thought, typing, writing
To join, go here.
Mood: productive
Music: Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams
i don.t even need to add anything to this, it is golden as is.
|
|
(2 hits | get down, baby)
|
| |
4:37 am - REPLY TO THIS POST:
|
if you have me listed as a friend and you read my journal, reply to this...i.d like to know who actually reads the dribble i write.
p.s. i am disabling anonymous posts now. enough of that shite.
|
|
(27 hits | get down, baby)
|
| |
1:51 am - i wanna be your dog
|
so, my birthday was spent exactly how i like it: i skipped class, went to bristol farms and finished paper work, then went to both rhino record stores only to find that i had no money in my wallet ($30 misplaced...somewhere)--i did talk to matt briefly but not much to takl about other than music and how i am "busy" with school and he is "busy" with his music and work...i saw the girl that they hired instead of me. lame. apparently the manager hired her because he liked to flirt with her--matt says she is weird, altho he can.t quite say in what way. oh well, they missed out--i get to be a hick over at bristol farms in my lovely uniform and get paid a buck and a half an hour more blah blah blah.
i would now like to thank the following people for calling me on my birthday in the order of their calls: chloe, drew, my dad, my mom, my stepdad, josh, damien, my dad, chloe, derrick, rachel, my dad (yah, he called 3 times), and czak.
i spent the night reading and taking more vain pictures of myself (see: HERE and for kicks look at THESE if you haven.t already). someone once asked me why i take so many pictures of myself...my response to them now is that i want to remember the days of my disillusioned youth when my girlish figure was still trim. the end.
current mood: apathetic
current music: the stooges
|
|
(1 hit | get down, baby)
|
| Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
| |
10:25 am - Music Technology: The Who Make It Pure and Easy
|
“I listened and I heard music in a word,
And words when you played your guitar,
The noise that I was hearing was a million people cheering,
And a child flew past me riding in a star…
Distortion becomes somehow pure in its wildness,
The note that began all can also destroy.”
-- “Pure and Easy”, The Who
As technology advances, the face of music is constantly changes. With music essentially being a raw form of technology, depending on the instruments utilized to make the sounds, technology and music have a reflexive relationship; with the help of the former, this interaction can be static or innovative. As Steve Wakesman points out in Instruments of Desire, “…one of the key qualities of popular music in its mass produced form, (is) its ability to stand up to repetition without provoking undue nervousness…a distinct mode of production that places music in the service of technology rather than the other way around”. Unfortunately, such is the case with the majority of popular music as evidenced by the bland Clear Channel programming that dominates radio airwaves. However, not all popular music bends to the status quo, such as The Who’s creative 1971 album, Who’s Next.
All aspects of a rock ‘n roll band are influenced by music technology—be it by “rawer” technology as an acoustic guitar to more “advanced” technology as an electric guitar. Dynamic performers like The Who utilize technology to advance their musical cause, using machines to augment their natural musical prowess. Unlike Les Paul who used the pure tone of the electric guitar for safe, formula-driven pop, The Who’s guitarist, Pete Townshend, uses the same instrument as an extension of himself and an outlet for his aggression—letting the feedback snarl through the amplifiers; after a live performance, the very instrument Townshend expertly manipulated to create music would end up smashed on the floor of the performance stage—a symbolic gesture of visceral force asserting man’s dominance over machine. Townshend is not the only one who would let loose on his instrument—drummer Keith Moon was notorious for blowing up his “Pictures of Lily” drum kit. Even vocalist Roger Daltrey brashly brandished his voice through the microphone—a subtler connection between man and technology, but still oh-so-powerful to those lucky enough to catch his fierce growl live. With such a successful live show, it seems that The Who might have felt extra pressure to relate such visceral talent through studio recordings. And here is where many musicians must choose between the great divide: should you use technology to create a musical recording that you cannot reproduce live? And, conversely, how do you capture the live essence of your band on tape? Looking at the liner notes for Who’s Next, one can see that The Who used various different technologies to generate this opus: Daltrey plays the violin and harmonica, bassist John Enwistle plays the keyboards and piano, drummer Moon plays percussion and the violin, and guitarist Townshend plays the ARP and VCS 3 synthesizer, keyboards, organ, and piano. It is not humanly possible for each man to play every one of the instruments they played when recording in the studio when playing onstage in front of a live audience, so the musicians either have the option of adding additional musicians for touring purposes or pre-recording or programming sounds to play along with the performance. The opening track of the album, “Baba O’Riley”, is led by the synthesizers which for the year of 1971 was revolutionary in its use of synth as a lead instrument (it is not on a loop) long before the 80’s would make it standard fare. By making use of technology to facilitate the development of their music instead of churning out slick corporate rock, The Who retain control over how they want the listener to hear their music.
Recorded music is static and, like an image captured from the endless stream of time, allows the listener to repeat a musical experience over and over. By allowing for such scrutiny, everyone becomes a critic and the musician feels the need to put forth the best impression, synthesizing the “raw” sounds produced through the virginal interaction of man and machine through another machine, that of the production that takes place in the recording studio. Once the final product is churned out of the studio and sold in stores, the listener can purchase the recorded version of a band’s performance—taking what was once mercurial and dynamic and sticking it into a plastic wrapper for mass consumption. Such widespread access to music can be wonderful but, if a band cannot reproduce the music accurately through a live performance, the listener feels cheated. Why? If one has been led to believe that such sounds are possible in the realm of reality and, if they cannot be reproduced, one feels like a fool for believing in a fantasy. It is then the responsibility of the musician to ensure the listener is not led to such pretense if the musician wants to maintain artistic credibility; for example, when it was revealed that Grammy winners Milli Vanilli were simply two beefy guys lip-synching along to the voices of others, the public expressed their disillusionment by stripping the pair of their music awards. The Who have built a reputation of being a worthy rock band by not only creating a powerful piece as Who’s Next in the studio but backing it up through equally powerful stage performances.
As the solid-body electric guitar allowed for the experimentation with electronic sound by many rock guitarists in the 1960s, The Who emerged as a band that could not only experiment but conquer the technology empowering them. Wakesman states that such performers “prize the instrument’s ability to ‘talk’, to offer the advantages of technology while still bending to the needs and desires of the musician”. While using machines as a medium for communication through studio recordings live shows, The Who maintained Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame status by consistently reminding the audience of the humanity that thrived behind and through the mask of technology.
|
|
(10 hits | get down, baby)
|
| |
7:54 am
|
staying in the library ALL night. 8 a.m., the sun has risen. i need to write this paper on the who. NOW. due in 3 hours. i can write while chatting with people i will never meet in real life. i.m a multi-tasker, marry me.
in other news: it is my birthday tomorrow. i am going to sleep it off and wait til i hit 24 and can die at the same age as james dean.
i am a listless teenager. just write off whatever i say.
current music: elvis costello
|
|
(15 hits | get down, baby)
|
| |
4:02 am - keep me moving:
|
one.
two.
now, would someone mind making one of those into a new moc profile & lj user pic for me? you get to choose--and please choose a different one for each. e.mail em to me. gracias.
current mood: content
current music: the who - who's next
|
|
(2 hits | get down, baby)
|
| Thursday, February 14th, 2002
| |
2:02 am - jumping someone else.s train
|
Which John Cusack Are You?
my hot date for this accursed hallmark holiday is diana. we are going out for thai food at toi.s. i got a job yesterday, just as i was wondering what i would do with myself. bristol farms. i get to wear a red plaid button down collared shirt and jeans every day, like some half-witted redneck. be sure to come and laugh at me--it is the one off westwood blvd. at least it pays $9/hr.
i miss you.
current mood: happy
current music: the cure
|
|
(7 hits | get down, baby)
|
| Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
| |
6:14 am
|
|
| |
6:09 am
|
|
| |
5:30 am - nobody broke your heart. you broke your own.
|
everyone will let you down but you can.t let that get you down. drew and i talked for quite some time a bunch of hours ago, and it looks like we can be friends...and i am glad. i need friends.
my mother insists i need therapy and that i am on the wrong track in life. if anything, she says i should stop dating these "low-class" boys and find someone that goes to ucla. she has even threatened to make me move back home next year and commute to and fro--140 mile journey a few times a week. idle threats.
i didn.t get the job at rhino, one of the other 2 girls did. i am broke, and i need work. maybe i will pursue work as an extra in films and whatnot--transportation is always an issue, so i need to find someone to do this with me.
escapism still looks far more appealing than reality. didn.t i tell you how ugly these people could be? (as if you were selling them stocks in enron)
now i have to go walk back to my apartment from this library. hurrying back before 6 a.m., when the sun comes up and i no longer have the solace that only the pitch-black of night can offer. a blanket of obscurity. sugar me up, it.s my lie.
|
|
(1 hit | get down, baby)
|
| |
5:25 am - Selling Ourselves Short: Capitalism Divides Us by Stereotypes of Gender
|
We live in a society that trains us from the outset to think and act a certain way; tempered by a combination of biology we are socialized but, ultimately, cultural influences—individuals interacting with us in everyday life and especially the media—have the most power over an individual trying to coexist in the world. Kessler and McKenna maintain that sex is a biological phenomenon, some people have penises and others have vaginas, but gender—the role one displays to the outside world is a social construct (Gender: An Ethnomethodological Approach). This world is controlled by money, and we need to categorize and label people in order to understand life. “… (Thus) Heterosexuals and homosexuals are involved in social ‘roles’ and attitudes which pertain to a particular society, modern capitalism” (Boswell, “Sexual Categories…”). However, advertising, which is the primary tool of consumer capitalism, does not make a distinction between sex and gender. With the ultimate purpose of selling products to the masses, capitalism utilizes advertising to perpetuate the equating of sex (in the biological sense) with gender (in the behavior sense) and thereby creates rigid roles for people via simplistic stereotypes.
Why does capitalism not make a distinction between sex and gender and falsely equate the two in order to sell products? Were things always this way? No, and Riane Eisler elucidates as much in Chalice and the Blade when she writes of pre-capitalist societies in places such as Mesopotamia and Crete that not only had goddess-worshipping cultures but were egalitarian. Over thousands of years, things changed with industrialization and the introduction of capitalism—a phenomenon that feminist bell hooks (note: she writes her name in lowercase letters) affectionately terms the introduction of “white supremacist capitalist patriarchy” (Miya-Jervis and Hooks, “Love is the Answer…”). In the times before capitalism, there were no advertisers to instill insecurity and need in the hearts of people in the interest of selling products as a “solution”; once capitalism hit Western society, the media discovered it was imperative to create a dichotomous, unequal relationship between the two sexes and rigidly define gender as such in order to offer material products as a way of bridging the gap created by the supposed disharmony. Also, division among gender lines was needed to perpetuate capitalism: “As a social institution, gender is one of the major ways that human beings organize their lives. (With industrialization and capitalism) Human society depends on a division of labor, a designated allocation of scarce goods, assigned responsibility of children…” (Lorber, “Night to His Day). So, gender becomes an issue of power in a society that is no longer egalitarian and has become increasingly individualistic, exacerbated by the ignorant “American dream”, the belief that anyone who works hard enough can achieve their dreams—forgetting that sex and race are important factors that limit some individuals economically. “… (With industrialization) a new class of literate, idle women developed, on whose submission to enforced domesticity the evolving system of industrial capitalism depended” (Wolf, “The Beauty Myth”). As capitalism hit full swing and women entered the work force, advertising had to work doubly hard to maintain the superiority of men in order to sustain unequal gender relations that ended with the death of the ancient goddess-worshipping cultures. Wolf rightly concludes that “The beauty myth is not about women at all. It is about men and power…actually prescribing behaviour, and not appearance”. Capitalism is a patriarchal system and its henchman (advertising) works its hardest to ensure the status quo, all in the interest of making the almighty dollar.
As corporations cash in on unfair gendertyping, individuals are the losers. Stereotypes perpetuate false gender roles by turning us into one-dimensional plastic replicas of ourselves, and we all buy in to the lie in order to please each other. “Even when we do not buy a product, (Kilbourne) insists, at some level we buy into the consumer mind-set, and that make us vulnerable to the $200 billion-a-year ad industry” (Simon, “Hooked”). Why do we let them fool ourselves? We become victims to the capitalist machine because “To successfully pass (as an ideal model of your sex) is to be momentarily wrapped in the protective cover of conformity. To fail is to experience the vulnerability of the outsider” (Chapkis, “Changing Landscapes”). And what does this do to us?
“Gender distinctions are far from trivial for individuals; they have serious educational, political, and economic implications for society. Different expectations create unequal opportunities. Identity as a male or female has a profound impact on self-development, determining paths chosen, decisions made, and treatment received at the hands of others” (Newman, “The Socialization of Gender”).
By conforming, we lose by placing an arbitrary value on ourselves through gender stereotypes. In “The More You Subtract, The More You Add”, Jean Kilbourne summarizes this phenomenon:
“Mass communication has made possible a kind of national peer pressure that erodes private and individual values and standards, as well as community values and standards…Advertisers are aware of their role and do not hesitate to take advantage of the insecurities and anxieties of young people, usually in the guise of offering solutions.”
With a conscienceless abstraction like the media and an impersonal goal of making money through the capitalist machine, individuals are the ones who suffer. We suffer from unequal relationships with the way that the male and female gender is always depicted as being in opposition, a perpetual battle of some sort. Typically, men suffer from the pressure of having to be overly masculine and the discouragement of developing close intimate relationships unless it is through a rigidly organized structure, such as the boys depicted in The Spur Posse or the Citadel (all-male) students in Susan Faludi’s “Girls Have All the Power: What’s Troubling Troubled Boys”. On a more common level, boys are pressured to exercise their masculinity by playing sports even if they are not physically well-endowed (Messner, “Boyhood, Organized Sports…”). On the other hand, females must internalize the trauma instead of acting out aggressively like boys.
“A woman must continually watch herself. She is almost continually accompanied by her own image of herself…Thus she turns herself into an object—and most particularly an object of vision: a sight” (Berger, Ways of Seeing).
As a result of objectification, many women suffer from mental and eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa as depicted in Wolf’s “hunger” and Kilbourne’s “The More You Subtract…”. Girls also suffer from lower self-esteem and a glass ceiling in the professional world. It is important to note that roles are sort of flip-flopping as advertisers are beginning to target men more and more in their efforts to sell more products. Stephen Henderson’s “Almond Pedicure” article comically shows that men are now worrying about their looks, but Fraser’s “Hard Body Sell” seriously shows the consequences of such a change—men are becoming ashamed of their looks and suffering from a negative self-image as well. And who profits from all this? Fraser’s article points out: “Cosmetic companies have concocted macho-sounding campaigns for their product’s lines and sales of men’s grooming supplies are increasing 11 percent per year, totaling more than $3 billion in 1996.” To the ad companies, it is nothing personal, they just want your money. However, the ultimate cost is much more than a few dollars from your pocketbook.
How should the situation be ameliorated? We can’t very well abolish capitalism and become a communist society and would that even fix the problem? Healing must take place on an individual level. Awareness and open dialogue are key to taking back your life from the evil grips of the money machine. We need to realize: “Ads use visual images of males and females to grab our attention and persuade. They are really projecting gender display—the ways in which we think males and females behave—not the ways they actually do behave” (Cortese, “Constructed Bodies…”). Exposing yourself to varied ideas about gender instead of the one-dimensional images the ad agencies throw at you is important, as well. Reading books such as Kate Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw will help many people to realize that gender is a continuum and that transsexuals do exist. Bornstein shares herself openly, “I want this book to be the conversation I always wanted as I was growing up, and never had the chance to have…more important than my point of view, than any single point of view however, is that people begin to question gender.” The forward-thinking feminist bell hooks also has hope for the world and knows love is the answer as she says, “There has to be a lot more conversation and communication than people often have in relationships” (“Love is the Answer…”). Jean Kilbourne, who has devoted her life to spreading awareness of the advertising agencies’ dangerous gendertyping through such tools as her Killling Us Softly video series, says, “What will bring about change is a critical mass of people who are seeing things differently” (Simon, “Hooked”). Would gender polarization be as effective if we mentally fought against it and actualized it in reality? Would capitalism still have the power of selling us products by using the same, tired stereotypes if we thought differently? When will we stop commoditizing ourselves and value life for what it is really worth?
current mood: fine
current music: elliott smith
|
|
(6 hits | get down, baby)
|
| Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
| |
12:47 pm - if i wanna take a guy home with me tonight, it.s none of yo bizness
|
and somehow the virgin-whore finds that she must explain herself to her mother. how did she find out anyway? a little birdie must have told her because not only is the shite coming down from the fascist front that she affectionally calls mom, but she si on "notice" with the building she lives in or something...and i thought they stopped holding your hand after the 3rd grade.
no, mom, i will not suck dick for a living. why? let me bust into apologetics:
1. i am not very good at it, these things take practice and honestly i have better things to do with my time and i appreciate my gag reflex.
2. guys can get this done on any street corner.
3. the white "love juice" usually tastes like raw pancake batter--sometimes even saltier depending on his diet, and i am not partial to such a flavor.
4. believe it or not, i have a brain in this seemingly-vacant-pretty-little head and i know there is more to life than wink-wink-shoulder-nudge-ass-grab.
the defense rests for now, and arguments will re-convene at 9 p.m. via the wonderful technology we call the cell phone.
i got drunk again last night. this time i didn.t throw up, which is a good thing. good ole jack and cokes. drinking is an enjoyable endeavour, especially amongst good friends and when they are paying. i need a job. still haven.t heard from rhino. matt and i hung out on saturday night (whatever we have has to be kept on the down-low if i want a job there and if he wants to be a manager--you would think that would add some excitement to all this, but it really doesn.t)...see, i can keep my little escapades out of the building if i want to. then i wrote a brilliant paper for sociology on sunday. i.ll post it later.
|
|
(4 hits | get down, baby)
|
| Friday, February 8th, 2002
| |
12:24 pm - we.ve got boxes.
|
keep your head up/nobody likes a whiner/stop complaining/take it like a man/cheer up, champ/if you keep on fuckin yourself up the ass, then don.t whine about the pain/wear your seatbelt/SMILE/tomorrow is another day/brush your teeth/shoplifters of the world unite and take over/cauterize that wound/keep on electioneering/let the good times roll/surviving a nervous breakdown/you throw like a girl/drink to forget/knowledge is power/don.t put all your eggs in one basket/rent rent rent and never buy/son of a preacha man/handle with care/a pig on antibiotics/my my metrocard/enjoy the silence/sheet metal for all ocassions/she prefers whips/take time to plant some roses/fuck the champagne we want gin/tom tom tomorrow/it.s a wicked little town/papa.s got a brand new bag/cross your legs/the loneliest robot/oscillate between sincerity and cynicism/hold his hand/mutual bonds ensure long term security/call your mom once a week without fail/throw away your aerosol sprays/women and children first/don.t kiss on the first date/don.t look there!!!/jesus loves you/double-spaced 1" margins on white paper/heroin will be the end of me/my brown-eyed girl/wanna be a debaser/all lost in the supermarket/buy one get one free/survival sickness/life is a bowl of cherries, mine isn.t popped yet--
CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLSCLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS CLIMBING UP THE WALLS
|
|
(get down, baby)
|
| Thursday, February 7th, 2002
| |
1:58 pm - i know:
|
i want it dirty. i want it messy. shove my face in it, and i will shove yours in it in the next moment--in a flash of pheromones and electric light impulses.
smells like sex.
let.s be vulgar. i want to see you undress, consumed by the passion of the moment. sweatgrabpullpushbitesuckrub. gently outlining the curves of our bodies.
then leave me before the sun comes up, and i will want you more.
we can repeat again tomorrow night.
then i will leave you before the sun comes up, and you will forget me.
and i will still want you. less and less as time passes...
smiling thru the agony of a heart never torn in two becase we finish before we start we finish before we start we fin
fin.
|
|
(1 hit | get down, baby)
|
| |
1:10 pm - lust for life: wanderlust and lust (got me by the throat)
|
i feel freer now. i am sorry things didn.t work out, but we both weren.t ready, and i know you know that. we both needed to be needed and that is never a good reason to jump into things.
i am not going home this weekend. i have opted to go back down next weekend when not only we have a 3-day holiday weekend but it shall be closer to my birthday and, well, just because. then i can go see the mark ryden exhibit at cal state fullerton with...myself. so far.
this weekend is shaping up to be alright. matt and i are going to hang out and just "piddle" around (which is how he phrased it) on friday night. i plan to utilize friday (and saturday, if needed) to finish reading sociology and organize/write my paper for the class, which is due on monday. topic: capitalism perpetuates the gender division via advertising; with the divide set, the relationship between the economy and society is reflexive and gender is solidly established. need to phrase that better.
saturday night i want to go to bang!, i really do. i have never been, and i need to go. to make fun of people and to be a fool myself and to dance around with the rest of the fools and not caring that i am a dancing fool.
sunday is wide open. last minute paper writing and...suicide. sex. suicide. sex. the same thing.
i need to start and finish this english take-home midterm. easy as shite, but bloody hell on the patience. i couldn.t stand any more stupid quesitons on how to actually complete the assignment so, after sleeping all throughout class, i rose abruptly and ran out of the lecture hall amidst some person.s question and the professor.s mindless blabbing--the guy next to me jumping off to the side in alarm. god, hemingway bores me...once you get in the groove of reading him, it is o.k., but otherwise he is trying way too hard to appear like he is not trying.
the job interview at rhino records went well yesterday. i actually go there on time unlike my interview at starbuck.s (which is the reason i didn.t get the job there, i know, but i wouldn.t want to work for those corporate caffeine fiends any way) and the manager (i guess he is the manager, but not the head manager) likes me well enough. we talked for well over 40 minutes about music music music and life. he talked a bit abotu himself, how he is starting a record label and stuff, and i had to play the stereotypical girl by pretending like i was interested. well, i sort of was, but not really. i just opened my eyes real wide and smiled demurely. and i wore a skirt. hahahah. a girl must play up all of her ASSets.
it is a dirty dirty game. but i know the rules.
they want to hire a girl because currently only guys work there and it is "one huge sausage fest" (his words, not mine). i wouldn.t mind jumping into it in the least--as long as it.s kosher! god, i am on a roll today with the cheap jokes. har har har. so it is between myself and 2 other girls, and they shall let us know the results on monday--all of us might possibly have to come back in for a second interview because it will be so hard for them to realize that i am obviously the correct person for the job. really.
i need to get out of the books and into your mind. out of the books, into your soul. i need to feel you from the inside. to know you are real. don.t hold back, grab this with both hands and squeeze. until it hurts. white heat.
white light?
p.s. vagina monlogues on-campus this weekend, too. sound arousing to any of you?
current mood: climbing up the fucking walls
current music: radiohead (ok computer)
|
|
(get down, baby)
|
| Wednesday, January 30th, 2002
| |
6:46 pm - i need you like i need another hole in the head.
|
he called today. 1:14 p.m. we talked for a half an hour or so, at which time he offered up the reasons for his vanishing without a trace...in a state of depression, he didn.t feel like talking to anyone (not even the people he sees day to day) and he didn.t even feel like goin on tour much less doing anything, yet he left with his band for 2 weeks and did his little band thing.
and then he comes back and calls me, rocking the foundation like a decent-sized tremor--i would say a 7.5. i wasn.t angry or hurt any longer, no, that faded after the first week. besides, i had to tell him about what i did this past weekend (kissing 5 boys and all), which is nothing i regret...but 3 of them did not deserve it, and i would take those kisses back.
so i end up making him sick to his stomach, physically ill. he doesn.t feel betrayed, but he says to think that i kissed another boy...and i guess that makes me feel kind of good. not ina revenge sort of way because why would i want to hurt him like that, but to know that he cares about me enough to have that kind of a reaction.
talking to him for that brief time made the sun shine brighter, and i really feel better now knowing that he just didn.t abandon me. i don.t know what will come of this because, as we all know, distance is the enemy. besides, he still has doubts. i want to be his friend first and foremost, and i want to see him again. he is coming up so we can talk (soon), or i will see him when i go down to o.c. this weekend. my mom wants me to come down for a visit, but the real catalyst would be to see him again.
but i can.t believe he us worried about us hating each other if we met up again. what in the world...this boy doubts too much.
i need advice. should i just swear off boys for awhile? is it worth the possible heartache to go for something more? maybe it isn.t even up to me.
current mood: confused
current music: the make-up - time machine
|
|
(8 hits | get down, baby)
|
| |
5:48 pm - we love these hos
|
MatrixExplosion: I'm an 18/m/Florida with a clean pic of myself looking to chat with a 15 to 18 year old girl who has a clean pic of herself, masturbates, and is willing to discuss it.
rebellesioux: what about a 37 year old divorcee who likes to play keno?
current mood: love me long time
current music: outkast
|
|
(3 hits | get down, baby)
|
| |
4:52 pm - just for the record:
|
|
|
|
|
|