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Apook

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[07 Nov 2001|04:16am]
I really oughta figure out an icon of sorts...
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However Magnetic Poetry on the fridge is redeeming... [05 Nov 2001|03:46am]
[ mood | Eye Strainey ]

I got a little drunky last night/ this morning, and tried my best to make something sensible out of their leftover magnetic poetry words... I suppose they got the "erotic" set of words, 'cause it's all about cocks, mounds, heaving, and glistening... shit like that. The left over words, though turned out to be alright, even though that doesn't make for an alright poem, didn't even make for a complete one. Just a sentence fragment maybe.

Pretend that she kisses
wish & hold
he can still remember
what many don't have

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sucky fucky housemates [05 Nov 2001|03:43am]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | Neutral Milk Hotel ]

I thought: Gee I'll just find a house-share with a few other people, and get to know them, then I won't feel like such a stranger in this town.

Reality: Re- yells at me for using the internet while she's sleeping, Ro- yells at me for answering the phone and trying to give one of her friend directions, on of them (problably G-) used my razor to shave her legs. I get treated like an unwanted child because I don't have a job, even though I've been able to pay everything they've needed so far. Blah.
I should just go reserve a spot under the Bridge.

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OH MY GOD!!! ... I'm still here. [25 Oct 2001|02:36pm]
[ mood | Itchy Dammit! ]
[ music | Some odd shrieky cover of "Roxanne" ]

Let's see it's been almost a month I think since my last entry, and I still don't have a job. God I'm good. Well, technically I do have a job since I filled out a W-2 form and all that but, since it's a temp agency they aren't gonna pay me until I actually do some work. Bastards. I'm starting to think I'm gonna have to start sleeping at the St. Francis Shelter down the street. Oh well, the quest for bottom continues.
I walked all the way from my house to Blackbird the other night to see Sweep the Leg Johny, and Whooo Damn. They kick ass. It was definitely worth the nipple freezing trek across 25 blocks to stand in a cramped, weirdly shaped excuse for a venue. These guys kick some serious ass. My roomates too-tall fuck buddy was there being a real tit. Flopping around, double-fisting Oly's, and screeching at the top of his lungs. I caught a little bit of the John Henry Memorial too, pretty cool for what I saw. Reminded me a little bit of the Falcon Project without the skinny, naked, screaming, black, guitar player. As a matter of fact... There really oughta be more skinny naked screaming musicians... I'd volunteer, but I'm not a musician.

Anyway, as the man said "Snoop doggy dog better get a jobby job."
So I set off to search for work, eventually. It will amaze you my searching, truly.

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... ... ... [05 Oct 2001|09:12pm]
I think... Rotronnix has... fallen under... my... sway...
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Whoo-boy. Where'd I come from [05 Oct 2001|09:04pm]
[ mood | My Neck Hurts ]
[ music | David Bowie (I think) ]

I'm just here to let anyone who cares, know that I'm still alive. I don't have much time to type, as I am not realy in the mood, and I'm dying for a cigarette. It will amaze you much I want one.

Oh well, I live.

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All Along The Watchtower [15 Sep 2001|04:10pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | Burning Airlines ]

These two women woke me up this morning knocking on the door. I thought they might have been friends of my sister, wondering where she was. "Hold on, I'll be right there." I hollered through the door. I went and put some clothes on, opened the door and was confronted with one, who could be Linda Tripp's sister, and the other... A tasty brunette... A MILF if you will. THey said "sorry to wake you, but we thought it might be appropriate"- and here they unveiled... "The Watchtower"- "to bring some of these around, if you'd like to here abou..."
"No thanks, I don't want a 'Watchtower'" Fuckin' Jehovah's Witnesses.
And, oh I was tempted... so tempted to add. "But you can come in and sit on my face." With my biggest angelic smile. It woulda been appropriate... right?
But I didn't, although I may be crude, I guess I'm not crazy. Oh well.

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The Buk [14 Sep 2001|10:53pm]
"Trouble.
I had my camera out, and took the shot through the shop window, and a rather tall, ugly lady- neck bent forward- came running out of the shop.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"What did you photograph?"
"I photographed the naked mannequin I told her."
"I'd rather you didn't take any more photos" she said.
"All right" I said. And I walked down the street with my camera, with her staring after me.
I felt guilty, and upset. Even though I had done nothing really improper. It usually happened to me at least once a day.
I turned, dropped to one knee, focused, and photographed her.
She waved her arms and screamed. And I shot her again.

The trouble with these people is; their cities have never been bombed, and their mothers have never been told to shut up."

-Charles Bukowski, ">>Hostage<<" 1985

Thing is, this used to elicit a bemused reponse of "Damn Straight, Buk" know though...
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Goddamn [13 Sep 2001|03:21am]
I'm in a room at the moment ruled by the sounds of punk and metal. A musical style that has always epitomized the era of looming nuclear holocaust. A period of free floating fear that most of us grew up in. After spending the last 36 hours watching these horrific events unfold, after watching National Guard F-15s and Police helicopters dominate the air I finally understand this fear. The indefinable fear in this land subsided in the last ten years, but it is back. Those of my generation spent the first 15 to 20 years of their lives growing up in a cloud of fear, at least then we could quantify it. (If you live here, you're safe; if you live near this, you're in danger; if you live near this, you're dead) Our nation, and most of the world has become accustomed to the absence of that fear. No one wants it back. We have lived for a decade with the most basic of human rights intact. The right to live your life in the knowledge that you won't be catastrophically dismembered for no reason.
No, this is even worse than the 80's in which we came of age, in the 80's there was an adversary. This adversary was just as fearful of the impending Armagedon as we were.
Now though, now metal makes sense to me and punk is understated. The threat of death has been thrust upon the world even though the U.S. was it's target. Of the 50,000 potential victims at the World Trade Center who was represented there? Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Mormons, Atheists; Americans, British, Canadians, Mexicans, Israelis, Palestinians, Russians, French, Croats, Serbs, Vietnamese, Japanese, Chinese, Indians, and probably even Afghanis. Everyone will be represented in this horror. The children of the world were punished yesterday for just going to work. The right of every human being to earn a peaceable, constructive living was threatened.
The choice of the World Trade Center by these people is (in hindsight) an obvious and powerful symbolic choice. It represents all that the extremists of the world despise... Large corporate intrusion and exploitation, extreme capitalism, intrusive American Foreign Policy. Many things which are abhorrent even to the population of the U.S., but no matter what the government's crimes, the corporate world's crimes, or the idealogical differences; no one has the right to deprive tens of thousands of human beings of their right to exist, their right to peaceably earn a living, or their right to live without the free floating cloud of despair and fear that has settled across our globe.
We are angry, we are furious, we are not just Americans, but we are every people that upholds the right to live without fear. We are the world which has bypassed the nuclear destruction which was imminent until 1990. We are every man, woman, and child that is lucky enough to live in the free world, we are also those whole live within totalitarian regimes who dream of living in freedom. We are the world of the hopeful, peaceful majority. Everyone on this earth deserves this same freedom.
We who live in or dream of this freedom must oppose "the terrorist" We must oppose all who are zealous enough to deprive any group of people the right to live a life free of fear. On this we can be unified. We must oppose the Bin-ladens, the IRAs, the UDAs, the Hamas', the Hezbollahs, and all others who seek to deprive the human soul of freedom, today and tomorrow.
No hate can justify this act or any other act of mass slaughter. No oppressed people, no fanatical people can entitle themselves to these acts of zealotry.
This violation of American soil has galvanized the world. It is shameful that it took this act of magnificent barbarism to move us. For so long we as a culture have allowed terrorism to propagate. For too long we have stood idly by while thousands of others have suffered. I am ashamed.
These tens of thousands of people have died, have been sacrificed to rouse the world to action. For years innumerable people have been murdered throughout the world. In Somalia, Burundi, Israel, Palestine, Ireland, Afghanistan we have sat by while fringe groups of extremists have punished thousands upon thousands of human beings, if not for being born a certain way, than just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

To those of you whose minds allow you to justify or rationalize this, for those of you who say our freedom is built upon the suffering of others, for those of you who say we may have deserved this. Remember this, those that died; those that were crushed, those that were blown to unidentifiable bits, those that were sliced in half by flying glass, those that jumped or fell out of 90 story windows, all that they were guilty of was showing up on time. Or those men and women of the NYPD or FDNY, killed for trying to help. This has been going on throughout the world for far too long. No matter what our crimes as a nation, no matter the anger or oppression of these groups, no one is justified in committing mass murder on this or any other scale.

To take this beyond the points at hand: Nationalism, and oppression.
Nationalism... this is no more than wide spread zealotry or fanaticism. Guard yourself against this. Zealotry of any kind leads to evil. Fascism, Racism, Jihad, Nazism, Nationalism. These are all forms of Zealotry, these are the things that lead an individual or group to put their interests above the most basic right of humanity. The right to lead a peaceful existence. Zealotry is always evil. Zealotry that spawns nationalism, fascism, racism, or holy war is evil. Any Holy War is evil. Zealotry allows you to dismiss the basic rights of thousands, it allows you to kill for your beliefs. This isn't just about nationalism. This is about the right of any person in any city in any country to pick rice, or process tax returns, or sell bread without the fear of being blown up for no good reason. Its about the right to live a life free of fear.

Oppression. Yes the United States is guilty of evil. Yes the people of the United States are party to this. Some say that "there are people in the world that hate Americans enough to do something like this. They hate us as Americans. It is not a mystery to me. The freedoms and liberties that we tout so much were purchased on the backs of slaves on the lands of Native peoples for whom the word 'America' is a synonym for 'cruel and inhuman'."
Yes we have committed atrocities, no one is denying that, and to do so is idiotic. But these atrocities are not the point. I would go so far as to say that our freedoms and liberties have developed in inverse proportion to these atrocities. The less we have exploited the world, the less we have judged by skin or belief, the less we have injudiciously killed; the more we have grown in freedom, and justice. The more we have supported struggling democracies, the more we have opposed fascism, fanaticism, oppression or exploitation; the more we have grown. The worst mistakes we have made in the past fifty years have been isolating ourselves. At the end of the second World War we involved ourselves, and despite the horrible actions we undertook in that war we were, and are still followed. Those who were our worst enemies are now some of our best friends.
More recently we have committed atrocities with no follow up support; Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, everywhere we have involved ourselves we have withdrawn and left power vacuums afterward. We have created enemies. We can no longer do this. We must increase our role in the world. Being "Policeman" is not enough, it never has been. No one appreciates the police, unless they're saving lives. We, as a nation, must redefine our role. We must guarantee the right of every man, woman and child on this planet to live a life free of terror. We as a world must work to guarantee a life free of fear.
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wheeeeeeeeeee [10 Sep 2001|02:59am]
[ mood | recumbent ]
[ music | Mistress Cleo's call in Psychic Hoe-Down ]

Oh what an eventful life I lead, I spent most of the day today tormenting a spider that lives on the porch here. I did try to send some bugs his way though (mainly to ease my conscience) but its alot harder pushing a flying bug at a spiders web than you might think.
I broke this ritual around midnight to go hunt down the elusive late-night-diner, but just wound up at Denny's. Which is only open till one, even through their menus all say things like "available 24 hours" liars. Anyway, I was outside smoking a cigerette after I finished, and this hooting started coming from across MLK Boulevard. This guy was zig-zagging in my genral direcction, but it was hard to tell exactly where he was headed, zig-zagging like that and all. He had this gimpy kinda walk, and was just hooting along like a curious owl. He went and checked out the dumpster behind denny's. I was releived that I din't have to interact with this guy. I heard the hooting getting louder and coming towards me while i was on the phone trying to check my messages. He thrust some note about being deaf and needing bus fare under my nose and hooted at me imploringly. I dug in my pocket and gave him some change, he gave me an ugly after counting what I gave him and swerved off down the way hooting indignantly.
The past few days I've been getting around, checking out this place that I actually seem to be living in. I crashed a party last night, after being invited by everyone at some bar. It was all right. I snuck a couple of beers, more probably than I should have had, pretended that I knew the hostess, talked to some forty year old guy and his friend who looked exactly like Cheech in "Up in Smoke", flirted with a few girls, and talked to some guy who was listening to Jawbreaker "Bad Scene everyones fault" on some head phones... Went home (barely, probably shouldn't have been driving) and woke up today with that horrible feeling of a cotton boll having been dragged through my sinus' without even the common courtesy of removing the shell...

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hoodie [06 Sep 2001|03:43am]
Maybe it's just me, but it strikes me as humorous that in the "interests list" http://www.livejournal.com/interests.bml?view=popular
Weezer is the first band mentioned by name. Followed closely by cheese (queso I presume), then Radiohead... What culturally significant facts can be drawn from that?

While I do love cheese, there's almost nothing better than listening to radiohead, while eating cheese... yet, I haven't tried to consume cheese while listening to Weezer, though. Perhaps this is truly superior... I did once eat a cheeseburger while listening to Weezer, but I don't know if that's quite the same...
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My fingers are numb, [05 Sep 2001|12:02am]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | frank black - Oh Pixies where for art thou? ]

not really for any good reason either. Well maybe it is a little cold up here, but still.

Not that that is really all too important, though I suppose. I've been up here for like 12 days now, and what do I have to show for it... Well. I'm starting to get a really nice tan from sitting on the porch smoking cigarettes all day while I smirk over at the bank parking lot next door.
Also, this is important, I'm starting to be able to remember what channels are where on the cable. Vitally important. 'Cause when you're not looking for a job, or anything constructive all day, you really ought to be at least memorizing the cable stations.
Actually, I've at least walked around and picked up a few applications, and looked at a few houses to... So I'm not being a complete waste of skin. It's hard though. It means the vacation is over, and I actually gotta do something to live on now. Damn.

Well that's nothing a few beers can't postpone.

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[02 Sep 2001|03:34am]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | Still the Cars ]

Show me something. Something that I won't want to laugh at. Something Horrible, something beautiful. This world of ours is verging on a new era. What will be it's hallmarks, what will be it's downfall. Le Corbusier ushered in a new era in the '20s, perhaps he wasn't first, perhaps he wasn't the truest. But his voice was a beacon for the "Lost Generation." Although what he represented has gotten us into more trouble than (possibly) both world wars, his voice still served as an answer to the questions of the age... "Why do we labor?" "For a brighter tomorrow." "What shall we believe?" "In a brighter tomorrow." "So much loss, is it worth it?" "Tomorrow will be brighter."
And yet despite his faith, despite his goals his legacy is that of alienation. Cabrini Green, Phillip Johnson, Strip Malls, the bland immensity of our modern world are traceable to his and one other's influence.

But. His was a voice.
A voice in answer of the days questions, and fears. Who shall this new voice be, and what shall it espouse?Our world needs a voice, several. But around what shall it call the rally. What is there to believe in that is not trite or banal?

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Oh god I think I'm losing it. [01 Sep 2001|11:00pm]
[ mood | pensive ]
[ music | The Cars - Double Life ]

So, I've had this journal ready for about two weeks now. Well, I guess it's time to crack open the cover and start the gut spilling.

I've been up here (Portland) now since last Thursday, and it just hit me how bad it's sucking so far. Not the city, or the experience, or anything really tangible. But since I got here I've basically been living in my head. I've tried to make contact with the people that I know up here, but the cooperation level is pretty low on their part right now. So, of course my neurotic paranoid self thinks it's a grand conspiracy to make me nuts. It's exactly like when you are little and your older brother and his barnacle ridden halfwit friend are playing Keep Away with your GI Joes. God, and you get close enough to snatch it back from them but, since they're taller they just reach up and loft it over your head.
It hit me though when I was talking to my brother-in-law's mother today, typically I can ignore ninety percent of what she's saying and still maintain a converstaion, but today I couldn't even remember half of the shit that I'd done while I've been here. I've been so wrapped up in this anxiety about all that I have to accomplish, and how I'm gonna even fit in. Add to that I just read the last thing I really needed to read right now, Burn Collector. Goddamn I love Al Burian's writing, but ughh the dread and futility that it can instill in a willing mind is too much.

Well... I'm off to attempt to overcome this pending insanity. I found some people who obviously aren't in on the game of Keep Away, let's see how this goes.

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