Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
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1:01 pm - Betray the ones you love
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Blunt objects contact the central controls bring nothing but punishment and contentment.
Often I need to be reprimanded and periodically slashed down so that the depression can be justifiable if there is such a notion. Difficult to explain when there is lack of apparent reason to others why delight remains so very elusive.
CRISIS
Knocks me rigid white till I’m spitting gravel and blood
Now disposition has validation
Blatant cause and effect apparent, or so it seems right now.
I peel back the sheath and reveal shoddy foundations beneath unsturdy constitution.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Joy Division - Disorder
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, February 28th, 2002
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12:23 pm - Knock knock knock
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I don't object to your presence, don't get me wrong. I just don't welcome your ability to put me in potential danger. To be blunt I feel threatened by the callous nature of your movements, move all you wish just put them back afterwards or at least don't compromise my security.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Bauhaus - Poison Pen
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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4:44 pm - Just Me and My Shadow
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A moment has come where my flip top head has opened, a wash of fresh cells allowed to enter. I feel enlightened yet am weary that I will produce the mundane mistakes of the past. My new found wisdom has been brought about from an item of trash plucked from a dumpster in New York by my dear friend djinn23 who has a keen eye for such pearls.
Thankyou my dear
My little fluffy cloud
current mood:  grateful
current music: Dragonball Z
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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Monday, February 25th, 2002
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2:51 pm
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Evil breeds evil
I exude evil
It escapes my pores and orifices like thick plumes of water vapour
Seems innocent enough it’s just water after all
Beware or it shall scald you and leave pink weeping burns
Radiating radiated steam
Keep away for I discriminate not
Keep away for I am thorough in pain
Purpose for pleasure
Aptitude for harm
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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5:39 pm
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I did my colorgenics.com profile...here is what it came up with:
Is it that you are working - or even playing too hard? because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour ... ... .
Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.
It is amazing that you, yourself, believe that old "adage" that you are a misunderstood person ... and you feel that because of this you are being left out in the cold. It is because of this lack of believed understanding that makes you feel the need to conform to society in general ... but this situation leaves you "cold" knowing that you are not appreciated for your true self. Any relationship that you are developing at this time does not seem to involve any true emotional commitment .... you seem to be just playing along.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity... and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are.. but no.. you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself make you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest ... beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
The need for admiration and to be regarded as "someone special" is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special.. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this "complex" by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play ... or in the home. Stop trying so hard... and you will find that people will like you for who you are ... not for who you are pretending to be....
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(comment on this)
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4:29 pm - What have I done to deserve all this bad luck?
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Ordered in pizza, usually it's not something that I prefer to eat. I planned to go and pick it up, the orderer somehow managed to opt for delivery. I'm trying my damnedest not to be such a grumpy bitch so I compsed myself rapidly. After all an additional four dollars and I wouldn't have to go to the store. Anyway, the delivery boy turns out to be a person at university two years back who 'stalked' me for a semester. I really dislike now that he knows where i live. When I saw him at the door I didn't know what to do, I slunk and sank into the couch trying to hide, knowing that he had recognised me. Today I have been enquiring about better security for my doors and windows. I don't think he will still be a threat, I had some pretty harsh words to him before he left university. In the period that he would follow me and keep trying to sit near me, invite me to his house I didn't feel like going to classes because of his continued persistence. I have a feeling my behaviour when I reached breaking point was what made him leave university. When someone tells you no(before the screaming and yelling begins), they mean it!...Unless ofcourse it's play...
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1:07 pm
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I didn't mention, I burned my shoulder under scalding water coming into a huge wine barrel converted into a hot tub. I the burn is about 10cm diameter purple and blistered. There was five people there and not one of us thought to put it under cold water. Just goes to show how copious amounts of beer, wine and vodka does to one's thinking processes. Shannan was the one who showed the most common sense trying to put a teatowel on my shoulder that was drenched in water. I thought of tipping beer on burn. People blew on it as well, probably the worst thing to do apparently. Now I know that you are supposed to put burns under cold water for ten minutes...but who knew that gladwrap is good?
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(comment on this)
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Monday, February 18th, 2002
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7:05 pm
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We always hurt the ones that are so close. I'm a vaccuum for positivity, churning and spinning other people's emotions into a suit of hurt and dismay.
On a lighter note I chopped off my dreads today, it feels so good not having that weight on my head and neck.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: Shortland Street theme song
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Saturday, February 16th, 2002
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2:27 pm - Wednesday Kiddy
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Someone has sent me this kitten to destroy my attempts at university work. He is so very attractive that I feel the need to spend much time playing, feeding and cleaning up after him. He cuddles up next to me in bed, I worry I will roll over and squash him to an untimely death. Queen sized bed, it's just the right size for me alone and Axiom. The nights that three humans have filled the bed have been tight. I don't want the kitten too get too spoiled or expect to sleep in my bed.
Yesterday was awful I had a migraine and when he started purring the sound resembled a Sthil chainsaw as opposed to a happy feline.
As I have an abundance of work at present it makes sense that I take time to perform uneccessary tasks on the net, like this finding out what day of the week I was born:
What day are you?
A group of friends including myself are going to wear bright orange jumpsuits with nicknames printed on the back at The Chemical Brothers concert. I must go out and buy the jumpsuit today. It shall be fun fun fun. People were a little worried that I would feel out of sorts wearing orange first of all, secondly pants, and a T-shirt. These three things I steer well clear of usually, but events call for a girl to be humble and go with the pack for once. I think I will look so rediculous I will have to laugh, clad in road worker orange. When I look around at the people I know they will be easily identifyable, and look almost as hillarious as me. I can't wait let the satire begin!
current mood:  silly
current music: Massive Attack with Tricky - Eurochild
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(comment on this)
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3:34 am
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3:34 am
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My eyelids are grinding against my eyeballs. Lids are so weighty and frictionful like sand has gathered and absorbed the sparce moisture that my windows to my soul once had.
In general people are nasty. I continue to hold hope for wonderful beings to enlighten my life, perhaps I am just not paying enough attention?
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1:56 am - Rouge
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Thursday, February 14th, 2002
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1:42 pm - I'm doing alright
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Another 'A' grade for my paper...fantastic. I feel great considering I have not done any other background work in the area of sexuality, queer theory or feminist studies.
Are there any bisexual people out there aged 20-25 who would be willing to do a confidential, anonymous interview via real time chat? It would help me a lot! You would get a copy of my research, and a huge thankyou from me.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Cranes - Slide
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(1 comment |comment on this)
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4:09 am
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I am not a hater of females in general infact I adore most of them. A current trend that has rather disturbed and repulsed me has come to be attention. I despise those women who act up with other women just to grab the attention of males. Thing that bothers me is that when males see two females together all they are thinking of are the additional orifaces availible to them.
Selfish pricks
Last time I saw such a blatently pathetic display I needed to evacuate the area before a ranting enraged ugly side got out of control.
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3:22 am - Sleep
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Can't sleep, probably because I have been fairly lazy today. Tomorrow my partner's parents come for a visit, I feel more at ese than if my own parents were coming to see me. He is so very lucky to have been spawned into a caring and non-judgemental family.
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Wednesday, February 13th, 2002
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11:20 pm
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Today I sat and drnk Viennas with friends I bumped into. I realised why I keep breaking one particular nail, goddamn V drink cans. From now on I will try not to drink V alone. Wonder how long I can hold out? A few days maybe a few weeks.
I have had an electrician friend over to my home. I am now the proud owner of two more power outlets and a dimmer in the lounge. Subdued lighting galore. For my birthday I got two stainless steel floor lamps for each side of my bed. I think they look grand.
current mood:  thirsty
current music: Faith and the Muse - Elyria (Toby Dammit mix)
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Thursday, February 7th, 2002
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1:14 pm - Birthday
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Well today is the day and so far so good. I picked up the phone thinking it might be my Nana, it was someone else. It was nice to think that they were thinking of me. I always feel dread come my birthday.
Dread that people will forget me
Dread when they remember
Dread of getting old and lonely because I find it so hard to commit to anything.
current mood: in need of yummy food
current music: PJ Harvey - Down By The Water
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(2 comments |comment on this)
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Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
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2:01 am - TEST
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Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
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3:10 pm - Axiom
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The kitten is so hilarious, this is the second time I have started up the computer. He likes to pursue my fingers over the keys and hunt the mouse with particular gusto for its cord. He has deleted my connection to the Internet, and deleted a couple of posts that I was working on. I suspect he will be a bit of a hunter. He likes to look for flies and other small insects already.
I have decided to call my new edition ‘Axiom’
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Swans - God Damn The Sun
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12:21 am - kitten?
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I have a kitten now.
So far he has only come close to death once since he has been in my care and one other time the day before as the vet held a syringe full of purple death above his tiny furry body. I find it difficult to accept as true that so many kittens have worms when they are born. The deceased worms that came out of the kitten were absolutely sickening, I couldn't touch him for a while and rang the vet fearing...well I'm not sure.
Trepidation.
Somehow some mutant strain of long abnormal worms had infested every twist of the intestines. He's a good sort; only leaks spills warm fudge in his litter box. Don't know what I would do if I had to deal with muck on the carpet. Whenever I breathe I feel like worm eggs are traveling into my nasal passage, bypassing the cilia and festering surrounded by a warm fleshy host.
Damn this OCD hell.
current mood: cynical
current music: Dean Martin - That's Amore
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