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LiveJournal for D@hL.
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| Sunday, February 10th, 2002 |
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tanzen. tanzengehen. yeah, so last night i went dancing, finally. ich bin in die disco gegangen. why do i always want to start all my sentences on here with 'so' or 'yeah, so...?' i'm not sure. at any rate, i went to roxy's/green room with andréa and christian and then christian and i went to the cont. roxy's kind of freaks me out. i don't know what it is about that place. it has a really small dance floor that makes you feel exposed. i think what it is is that i'm used to going to goth and electro clubs where the whole point of going is to listen to the music and DANCE. at goth clubs, or at least the one here, NO ONE hits on you, and i kind of like it that way. i'm really shy and polite and don't know how to get rid of a random once they start hitting on me, even if i'm really annoyed. and you can't just whip on some annoying, thin house music or some r and b shite and expect me to dance. god, i sound like such an ebm snob. i guess it's just something about random lesbians grinding to bad rap music that makes me want to hurl myself off a bridge. and any of my friends who know me well know that when i am not having a good time, it is very obvious. like i seriously sit in the corner and scowl. but at a lesbian bar, that is a very bad thing to do, especially when one is not a lesbian, because one gets hit on exorbitantly. some girl with long blonde hair, who was actually very nice, told me i was the 'prettiest girl there.' that was sweet of her anyway, since i don't normally think of myself in terms of attractiveness. well, especially not as a girl. i guess maybe that is it. when i'm at a lesbian bar, it's well nigh impossible to pass as a boy because there are SO many 'masculine-looking' women there that people are on the look-out for that possibility. but how can they tell?! like i have NO chest and sometimes even take pains to make it practically invisible, and i have short hair and always wear slightly baggy pants. people say i have really big eyes and long lashes and that is what 'gives it away' sometimes. hmph. i don't know. and i'm really soft-spoken, so i guess once i open my mouth it is all over. at any rate, christian and i could only stand bad r and b music for so long, and it was getting anxiety-invoking crowded, so we proceeded to the cont while andréa stayed there. the cont was having a 'valentine's day party' of sorts. this was cool cuz it meant even more people in costume than usual. there was a fairy godmother and also a lot of romanty goths sporting velvet, pointy boots and wavy tresses. i don't think i could ever be a pointy goth, but i definitely have respect for those who can pull it off. while christian and i were dancing to the lords of acid's 'rough sex,' i realized that his 'flirtation' wasn't just him being silly or teasing me. i think it's because i was so tormented as a middle-schooler and high-schooler, but to this day i have a really difficult time believing that people are attracted to me or that i am worthy of their attention. i'm always waiting for them to turn around and mock me or something. so yeah, you assholes who made fun of me when i was 11-15, you did hurt me. does that make you feel good about yourself? fuckers. argh. i'd better watch out before i turn all emo here. so anyway, maybe my dream is coming true and gay men will date me despite the fact that i am a tranny-fag and not a bio-fag? straight men, i don't know. they are ok and all, some of them, but dating them? almost every single one i've encountered has been in some way sexist and/or homophobic, and i just can't deal with that. do they think they have to act that way to be 'manly' or is it just socialized into them that women and 'faggots' are less? it pisses me the hell off. gay men are so much... sweeter, open-minded, sensitive, and perceptive. bi ones, well, i've never dated a truly bisexual guy; just a couple who claimed to be but really weren't. bah. christian also thinks the term 'straight-acting' is ridiculous, so that was prety cool. whoo. this was a long bitch of an entry. mi brother wanted to go skiing but it is raining so it probably won't happen now. i'm kind of relieved in a way, because i haven't been on a pair of skis since i was 11 yrs old. i was picturing panic attacks on the chair lift, and me hurtling end over end down a gigantic steep hill with poles and skis flying in all directions. i guess that is a good example of what they call 'anticipatory anxiety.' i LOVE the words 'hurtle' and 'hurtling.' i just don't like any situation where i am the one doing the hurtling. |
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| Saturday, February 9th, 2002 |
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today i went for a walk, as the weather is not hideous for the first time in a while. i already feel a lot better. i am all about exercise, because i am an anal prig where my body is concerned. at the first sign of pudge, no matter how small, i am out exercising like a madman. however, living in an arctic wonderland doesn't allow for this to happen too often. so i think i am finally going out tonight. much dancing will take place. and if they play either one of those songs that rule, i'm gonna find out who they are by. there's the chime one and the abrasive one that is innovative as hell. i have been downloading aol 7.0 for the past three or four days. go, 56k connection, go. whoo. you can do it. eventually. and if i get that 'internet explorer has performed an illegal operation (or fatal error) and will be shut down' message one more time, my computer is gonna get it up the waz. it'll do it 5 or 6 times in one day. does the damn thing resurrect itself so it can keep pissing me off? i mean, how can it come back after a fatal error? |
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| Thursday, February 7th, 2002 |
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j!m thinks my new pic looks 'heavenly,' ethereal and whatnot. sort of like i just got off a cloud and am on 7th heaven or one of those religious tv shows. i think it makes me look more like a ghost from the 80's. i probably got in some car wreck or od'd on designer drugs and have come back, liquid eyeliner intact, to haunt cute young things in their sleep and warn them about the perils of a dangerous lifestyle. mumsy just asked me what it is i do online all the time. i admit, i've become quite an internet whore. she saw something on oprah today about internet sexual predators. she didn't seem to understand though that they can't just like find your phone number or something. honestly, i don't think there are too many old pervs who would want my freaky queerness anyway, or at least i hope not. i am realizing that it is way too easy for me to avoid working when i am living at home. in some ways, this is good since i hate jobs, but in other ways it is really not helping me grow at all. sigh, what am i to do. ::puts back of hand to forehead:: |
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| Should any of you want to, oh, I don't know, see me in drag, I would suggest that you look HERE. | ||||
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| right now, i am falling the hell asleep, but in the morning i will unleash my madness upon the world. | ||||
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| Wednesday, February 6th, 2002 |
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i haven't updated much lately, but honestly nothing too noteworthy has taken place. i am fucking kold from my migraine pills, and my nailbeds are periwinkle, but that stuff does good things for my world. little green discs of love. i need a job. isn't that horrid? only until august, at which point i resume scholastic enterprises. i should begin the search soon. but for now, i have a roll of film to finish. cemeterial burial grounds, perhaps? and a mix tape, though die grüne maschine's tape deck is still at status dysfunctionalis. i can't decide if i want it to play tapes 'normally,' if it means giving up both sides at once, one song forward and one backward. depeche mode's violator and U2's achtung baby sound particularly good that way. ha. my tape deck doesn't follow a NP. i need to go out this weekend. i also need to go back to ny for a while, for my boredom has outshined the sun. |
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| Friday, February 1st, 2002 |
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so today i went and got a hairslut. it still has scissorshock, so it won't start beating ass in astonishing quantities for a few days. right now it is begging for some sort of produckt. whenever i get mi fur freshly clipped, i feel the need for black dye. i haven't done it since sophomore year of college. it was supposed to be bright blueblack but it came out a dull light black, which was OK but not what i wanted. for some reason my hair is really resistant to being colored. let us not even talk about the totally failed blue adventure of freshman year, or the henna stuff i tried two summers ago, to which i was violently allergic. now i approach with caution... i've also been getting urges again to get my upper right ear pierced but have been too much of a siss to actually go get it done. i finally summoned the nerve to haul to media play and spend my gift certificate. peter murphy's wild birds collection from '85 to '95 is now mine. and god, all the pictures of him in the liner notes = ungh! i also finally got the NiN perfect drug single, which for some reason was just rejected by my cd-rom drive. oh yeah, while at media play i saw a younger, tastefully-attired goth sitting and reading. though trying to avoid projecting the 'i'm goth you're goth let's be friends' mentality, i couldn't help but stare a bit, due to the relatively low number of goths 'in these parts.' i fully need a job from now until august but i refuse to do anything that involves serving or even talking to the public. so help me god, never again. shelving books at a library, data entry, proofreading, editing... there's got to be something. i swear to god i have the driest skin on this earth. i have to go rub cream on my shoulders now because they are hurting and itching. it is one of the inevitable downfalls of being D@hL in winter. |
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| Tuesday, January 29th, 2002 |
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I'd just like to say that I don't think I'm being "immature" or "petty" when I take offense to someone who is not transgendered masquerading as such for attention. It is not an image or fashion statement. Some people feel truly uncomfortable with the body they were born into. Others, who do not, have no business identifying themselves this way. It trivializes what gender-divergent people go through and makes me feel angry and sick. And for anyone who doesn't believe that gender-based violence is real, please look here: http://www.gender.org/remember I still get chills when I look at that site. Some of these people were 16 yr old kids, stabbed 40, 50 times, because someone didn't think they looked like a 'normal' man or woman. This is nothing to joke about. |
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why is deleting online personals such a pain in the ass? i can't even find where to do it on some of these sites. online dating is a bad, bad idea. i'm done, i swear. i saw this special on tlc last night about intersexed people (those born with ambiguous sexual anatomy). it was interesting but i was irritated by how the show ultimately seemed to reinforce the idea that these people should/must want to eventually fit into the category of either 'male' or 'female.' it also showed one infant who was given surgery against the parents' consent. the doctors basically took this baby away and performed sexual reassignment surgery without the parents' consent. it made me sad how even the intersexed people themselves didn't seem comfortable with ambiguity. they took hormones to look more 'male' or 'female' and followed the 'norms' of their gender. the show just made me realize how fucked up people are (as if i didn't already know) and how much gender really is a social construct. it's why i don't think i would ever take hormones or get surgery. as long as people think they see male haircut, dress, behavior, it's all that matters. but when you are sexually involved with someone, things become much more complicated, as i have found. ultimately i am not sure what i am supposed to do or whom i am supposed to be with, but if it happens at all, it will be an individual who sees me as an individual aside from all of these ultimately insignificant things. |
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| Monday, January 28th, 2002 |
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i just (?!) realized that, if someone who didn't KNOW me in 'real life' came upon this, they would probably think i am completely INSANE. i'm not sure whether or not i think this is a good thing, but i am leaning more toward yes. i also realized that for the most part, i am completely open and honest in here, even though theoretically pretty much anyone could read this. i'm not one to brag/lie/conceal unpleasantries (unlike some people) and i have a tendency to use this as a venue for emotional catharsis. this means that on any day you might read about anything from how much i hate my neurologist's receptionist (that bitch can suck my ass), how much of a flaming transboi i am, or my new favorite profanity-laden expression. the true test would be if someone read this and then was like, "i HAVE to meet you." THAT would be amazing. |
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| Sunday, January 27th, 2002 |
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for some strange reason, i woke up this morning with madonna's "true blue" in my head and a really strong desire to hear it. the mania needs to stop. my mind has been hauling ass for three or four days now. i tried to go to media play the other day but had a panic attack on the way there and never made it. that hasn't happened in a long time and it made me feel like an asshole. who decided that i was to be born with this hyperactive sensitive nervous system of doom? all my little neurons sit in front of their fucking computer screens, keeping themselves awake and cranked on amphetamine, hitting the escape button every time something seems even remotely threatening. the only thing that shuts them up is valium and even then not all the time. maybe they need to make friends with other neurons who can reassure them that there is no need for them to be so hyper-excitable. i want to go to fucking media play but now i am scared because of what happened last time. FUCK PANIC! |
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| Saturday, January 26th, 2002 |
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WHY IS AOL SUCH A FUCKING PIECE?! SLOW, SLOW, SLOW!! AAARGH! DIE! in other news, mumsy finally dismantled the artificial xmas tree and all that's left standing in the living room right now is the green fuzzy post that you stick the branches on. it looks at times like some vaguely phallic statue and at other times like a giant green scratching post. but right now, out of the corner of my eye, it looks like a very tall, skinny, menacing human and it just scared me fuckless. the end. |
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| i just got WAY too overzealous when i looked outside and saw the sunshine and decided to go play solo rollerhockey in the street. i was hauling around really fast all like 'wheee' cuz my body has been deprived of exercise for so long. well, it's really still pretty fucking cold with the wind and my lungs and throat froze and i had a semi-asthma attack. this files! they're just thawing now and it hurts like a fucking bitch! | ||||||||
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| Friday, January 25th, 2002 |
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i want to go dancing tonight! somebody had better fucking go with me or the fur is gonna fly! why is having 'enemies' so hilarious and compelling? and why does music sound better in my car than anywhere else? |
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| Thursday, January 24th, 2002 |
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| why is my browser such a piece?! i'm sick of waiting for molasses-ass to open webpages. i'm going to take a warm shower now. i'm seriously looking into a new ISP. this is bullshit. | ||||||||
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| Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002 |
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ew! i have never been dizgonnegded WHILE writing an LJ entry until today. so for some unexplained reason, i did not sleep at all last night between 2am and 7am. i also forgot to take my migraine pill, and woke up sweaty and anxious. two thumbs down. yeah, and i had a nightmare about a gross hairy spider crawling around that my sister and i were trying to kill but were too afraid. normally V just gives you trippy dreams, but they're not usually scary at all. wtf. i have one more one-page essay to do and then rachacha goes in the mail. i'd really like to get this done by 3. maybe if i stop procrastinating, it will happen. then i'm going to do something Fun for a change. |
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| Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002 |
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whoo! today was busy. it definitely made up for my recent stretch of inactivity. i dropped off letters, got transcripts, mailed an app. i am nearly done. have to write one quick thing tonight and send out the last one tomorrow. oddly enough, i got an offer from notre dame in the mail today, saying they'll extend their deadline to Feb. 9th for me if i apply. it said they heard of me through the GRE service. well, my GRE scores were SHIT, so something else had to have attracted them. i might do it for the hell. they have an mfa program in creative writing that looks kinda cool. only thing is, notre dame is in indiana. IS that south of the mason-dixon line? i would probably get fag-bashed the minute i ventured off campus. eek. ok, so i hereby declare that my neurologist is my surrogate grandpa. both of my real grandpas died before i was born, so i feel the need. he renewed my migraine prescription, and thinks it's "wonderful" if i take valium once in a while and it helps my anxiety. he even asked me if i needed more! I LOVE YOU, GRANDPA! your receptionist is a stupid twat who can bite my ass, but You rule! |
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kryptkitty: how can i make myself lesbian-proof? kryptkitty: i think... i'd have to wear a big dildo in my pants and tack on fake facial hair. that might do the trick. |
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2002 |
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i just wrote asking for more letters of rec. the deadline is getting close and i hope they don't get pissed and deny me. that would really suck. i will feel vomit-worthy until i get affirmative responses from all three of them, or at least two, which is the minimum i need. why are deadlines called DEAD LINES? it's soo... ominous. and i NEED to stop thinking about you. do you even know or care? why do i do this? kryptkitty: "I want to hump you. So please don't deny me, or I will hurl. Thank You." ugh, i'm an asshole. |
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| Friday, January 18th, 2002 |
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| the platinum blond boy who filled my migraine pills today was fucking cute. too bad i will probably never hump him. | ||||
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LiveJournal for D@hL.
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contemplative.
content.
lazy.
cold.
amused.
confused.
enraged.
sick.
accomplished.
nauseated.