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[06 Jul 2002|02:24pm] |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DALLY!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IAN!
Woo, happy fun.
yes. later.. potater.
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(can ya dig it?)
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| distance is the devil's child. |
[03 Jul 2002|09:43pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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grr.. i'm going to some how force all the towns (that all my loved ones inhabit) in to one.. massive.. town. well, maybe one state. ONE STATE. would be way easier than.. like.. what.. 4 or 5 different states? and one different country too? craziness. i'm sick of it. i think i'll take a massive road trip.. once i find out if my car is truly reliable.. and "retreive" everyone...
"haha.. like fire wood" he says.. pff.
yes, dear, you are fire wood.
_
i am quite anxiously awaiting the day when my first assignments come. i wish they'd freaking hurry up. it's feeling like forever.
things i hate about school:
School Picture Day
heavy books
annoying teachers
MATH.. gggrr...
early mornings
peer judgement.
cliques.
the cliche, "popular" kids.
feeling the need to wear makeup.
Gymn Class.. :puke:
__
things i LIKE about school:
Art-type classes
Music-type Classes
English-type classes
learning
history isn't too bad.
rad teachers that like me better than the other students in my class (coughcoughmisslanecoughcough)
hanging out with friends before school (not that i have any in my new one.. dang it)
hanging out with friends at lunch (dang it.. again..)
_
WHY IS EVERYONE AT THE FIRE WORKS EXCEPT ME?!
because i live in "the boonies" that's why.
Darn it. Darn it. darn it.
gr.ah..rgr..
_
tara's madre is picking me up tomorrow, i'm sleeping over, and then me, and her, and tara, (and bree?) are going to six flags. very exciting.
i'm done. gr.. i hate being alone.
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(3 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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| easy way out? perhaps. |
[03 Jul 2002|01:51pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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music |
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i find peace when i'm confused i find hope when i'm let down |
] |
hah, i'm a moron. i didn't even read all of this girl's post because of the first line.. but.. hey.. the first line inspired me to write this:
i realized how much happier i am with God, than i am when i try to be neutral. there is such peace in knowing that i have experienced real unconditional love. peace in knowing that i have something more. i get so angry at myself sometimes, because i forget how incredibly lucky i am. i take it all for granted.
it's so close to unbelievable, i know. but it's faith. and i believe it. it's easier to write it off and say.. "theres no such thing as God." or "God is dead"
but it feels so beautiful to let yourself believe in something, especially if you know you need it.
i know i need it.
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(3 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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| delicious apple |
[02 Jul 2002|11:30pm] |
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mood |
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 hot |
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music |
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none... |
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i hate the fact that you're so near, and yet so so far from me.i wish i could tell the future, cause i can't see further AHEAD then my own two hands. its like driving in the fog. y'know there is something out there, but it's just to dang misty to see.
stupid mist.
____
i sound like a 10 year old on my voicemail. ten. gr. i'm almost 17. gr. my birthday is in 17 days! woah.
i'll be 17 in 17 days. woooooo
Dal will be 18 in 4 days
ian will be 21 in 4 days
Brian will be 17 tomorrow.
Jeremy will be 17 in 18 days.
nana would've been 91 on july 30th.
erk.
too much death this year. far too much.
9-11 stuff.. lost my doctor i've had for the past few years. he was awesome. just an unfortunate coincidence that he was on the 2nd plane. stupid kids flying the airplane into the stupid towers.
Nana Clara.
Harry's brother, Andy.
Nana i lived with.
people shouldn't die anymore. i won't allow it.
___________
i hate when people leave without saying goodbye. it drives me crazy. especially when i have something super important to tell them.. gr..
maybe i should go to bed, get all this out of my system. sleep it off, ya know?
_
i love you.
'nuf said.
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(4 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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| buy yourself a teddy bear, emo kid. |
[02 Jul 2002|01:51am] |
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sick |
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i'll catch you- the get up kids |
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learning the meaning of distance
i've come to terms with sleepless nights
i've made my peace with dawnless days.
screaming at the highest volume
and fists clenched to keep from fighting
this or you
or everything.
stamping feet in sandy dirt
and plugging back tears of frustration
from distance and insecurities
from wanting something more
i lack the ability to chase you
this is breaking me
i apologize for my lungs caving in
i forgot to take a breath
i can't say this any clearer
can i say it any clearer?
i can't take this for much longer.
everything feels one sided
dulled and yet abrasive
i'm losing you one heartbeat at a time
this is a disease.
it seems that you're contageious.
i think i've just learned the meaning of distance
is paranoia
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(can ya dig it?)
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| happy. |
[01 Jul 2002|02:43am] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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none... weird. |
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hm.. so, since i really don't think talking about things that bother me would be helpful to me right now, because i don't feel like crying, or getting angry and bitterly typing, i'm gonna think of things that make me happy. that's a little easier.
1.bunny rabbits.. no joke.
2.sunrises/sunsets
3.fire flies
4.fireworks
5.babies laughing
6.snuggling
7.holding hands
8.real friends
9.tight hugs
10.fantasy books.. like.. the hobbit, and the lion, the witch, and the woredrobe books. ..however woredrobe is spelt.
11.unkempt dandelion feilds. huge ones.
12.running really hard, until i can barely breathe, and then laying down, and relaxing completely.
13.large bodies of water reflecting an orange sunrise/set
14.blue eyed kittens (which is, generally, most of them)
15.making people happy
16.making people laugh
17.watching people be in love (i.e my brother and his fiance)
18.boys with brown curly afro hair
19.Dallas (not the city, the boy)
20.playing tag with ocean waves.
21.building sand castles
22.sweet "barely there" kisses.
23.whispering
24.boys in dark blue, lo-top, converse allstars, with no socks.
25.tattoo sleaves.
26.shaggy hair
27.snowflakes
28.sunshowers
29.skipping
30.taking pictures of people smiling, when they're not expecting it
31.winning tickle fights.. losing tickle fights.. tickle fights in general.
32.sno-cones
33.feivel goes west.. that song "Somewhere out there"
34.and last but definately not least... Brandon.
i think that's all for now..
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(can ya dig it?)
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[30 Jun 2002|01:08am] |
i love you.
does anyone remember litebrite? or.. lightbright? however they spelled it.. good stuff.
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(6 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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| woo happy fun time |
[28 Jun 2002|02:17am] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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first time ever in my life listening to ani defranco |
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my list of people who are super duper cool:
Annie Gardner- becuase she is the most middle easternly educated person i know
Erich- because we are discussing children's books at this moment
Dalsey walsey- because he is a shooting star, makes me happy just by .. being dal.
Brandon- because rain reminds me of him. and i miss him after one day of him being away..-er.
Shushu- because she is my best pal. honestly, strange due to distance? probably.
suck my big toe.. i'm never afraid to tell her things, and she has that.. "i'm slightly older than you, i've experienced more, i'm good with advice" quality.. without being all.. "Hi, I'm old.. pff.. you're young.. eat my proverbial dust." (i am in love with the word proverbial)
Steverino-because he's genuine/blunt/real
New Kid Shane-cause he appears to be pretty wise. helped me through an issue. with.. a boy/friend (male-friend)
Erin- cause she's been super.
tara- cause she's back from london and she bought me a present!! and various other friendlike-reasons!
Mike- cause he's amazingly wonderful/sweet/fantastic.
Karen- because she calls me Nannah.
the get up kids- cause they're the only band that has a song with my name in it
Jeremy- emm. well, he's awesome. i'm gonna kick the next girl that hurts him to the moon and back.. and then to the moon again. and she can stay there.. die wench.
Tim- because i miss him.
nicole-because she is the love of my life. i want to have her babies.
Carolanne-because she is one of the strongest people i know.. and she has the most evident amount of faith.
Ian- because he called and said he missed me, and we're hanging out tomorrow.
Rachel- because of fun times in the car with loud pennywise.. and chicken mcnuggets.. mm.. foodthat'sbadforus..
Murphy- because he's really amazingly sweet, and one of the best friends i've ever had.
LUCAS!- because he doesn't get weirded out when i say stupid things..
CHADLEY!- because we're getting married. and we're gonna have hott kids.
hott, you hear me?! HOT
Jenn-most optimistic person in the entire freaking world. and she's gonna be my sister.
Becky-moo. hannah is a pantomime
Andrew-Skippylicious.. boy flavored.
too tired. that's it. for now.
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(2 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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| because i'm SCARED.. rainbow bead bracelette.. fixes everything. |
[27 Jun 2002|09:53pm] |
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 anxious |
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dust and turpentine- seam |
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i don't want to mess this up. you have no idea. friendship is like baking a cake from scratch.
you add certain things, the sweet little bits of chocolate, the frosting and sprinkles, but theres the salt, and the baking cocoa, and it's all very bitter, and unpleasant.
unreturned feelings of more than friendship.. those.. my friend, those are what I'm talking about. the bitterness, the unpleasent..ry? i don't want that. and i think that this is fleeting. so, i'm abolishing it. i'm destroying my feelings because i know you don't return them. it's quite easier this way. you never knowing.. yeah. quite easier.
i hate the fear of losing you. the only consistant person in my life, the one who never treated me differently no matter what the circumstance, (at least within the past two years i've known you) you've been nothing but angelic. thanks.
disclaimer: that is not about any one reading this, it's about a boy who i've known for a bit, the one i mentioned having "unrequited extreme caring" for.. in a survey.. or something. if you guys have read that.. anyway.
how pathetic is it, that i feel the need to put a disclaimer in MY journal.
__
phew. i'm quite better now. i didnt get to go see dave's band play tonight. i'm kinda sad about that. my hair is doing that puffy thing i hate. i'm kinda sad about that too.
i need to restart my comptuer. enough journalling.
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(1 digger | can ya dig it?)
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[27 Jun 2002|03:54pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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banned from the back porch:savestheday |
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my hair jell smells like jeremy.. hehehe.
THAT'S WEIRD.
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(can ya dig it?)
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[27 Jun 2002|02:55pm] |
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music |
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transparent- dead poetic |
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i had this huge update, but jim sent me this STUPID link to this STUPID test to see how well i know him. i got 6/10 right. hah. i stink.
anyway.
i'm gonna try to remember what i said.
::begin::
i am sick of staying up late. i am sick of being tired, and i'm tired of being sick. i've had this terrible sore throat for a while now. i just want to be able to sing without my voice breaking. i want my nose to stop being quasi-stuffed. i want to stop falling for boys who are a million years away.
i don't feel like doing this anymore. i just want to get in touch with nicole, and leave my stupid house, and go see dave sperring. that's all i want. darn it.
i wish i could drive my car.
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(can ya dig it?)
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| belmont is a party waiting to happen... |
[27 Jun 2002|02:33am] |
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hopeful |
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music |
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nothing yet- the knifing assessment (CoughcoughBRANDONcough) |
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I AM A PARTY WAITING TO HAPPEN.
BOOYAH.
yeah, i've been waiting.. for.. what.. ten days? something like that..
oh no, wait. 16 years. that was it.
anyhow.
i do this thing when i sing hard, i put my right hand on the back of my head. for some reason, i've developed the random delusion that it makes me sing louder. it doesn't. it just makes me feel hardcore.
i'm hardcore.
i think i'm gonna change my screen name to Watermeloncholy
how witty am i?!
seroiusly.
tired. waiting for the stupid file to finish sending to steve-o so i can finish making the stupid CD for ian's ..stupid.. wedding.
no, his wedding isn't stupid. i'm really happy for them.
insanely happy.
blah.
more relationships should be like that.
complete euphoria.
one cookie left, kids.. should i eat it?
maybe.
is this a useless entry? ..heh.. yep. :)
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(can ya dig it?)
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[26 Jun 2002|06:09pm] |
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amused |
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music |
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theme fiasco- mxpx |
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i'm making a collage of my friends.. most of the pictures i have are two years old.. so... send me pictures of yourselves.
do it.... gr... or..
i'll bite you!!!
haha, i think i'm funny.
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(2 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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[25 Jun 2002|09:06pm] |
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happy |
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uhm.. i don't know. that oldies "hallelujah" song. doot. |
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deviantart.com is ALL ABOUT naked ladies.
it's nuts.
i mean, sure, it's art, but hey.. that's a nipple.
it's not pornographic, no, i gaurentee you there aren't boys looking at the pictures and drooling and saying.. "oohh baby"
ick.
the female anatomy disgusts me.
it's a good thing i'm not a guy.
_
so, this summer, i'm taking two correspondence courses.
american history..
and brace yourself for this one kiddos..
PHOTO-FREAKING-GRAPHY! counts as a whole credit, count it suckah. a whole credit.
yeah..
downside: my frigging camera is too old to fix. the it's a minolta XG-A.. 1981. they don't make light meters for minolta XG-As anymore.
Upside: my parents are gonna by me a new camera, of course, i will have to pay them back.. but the fact that they are so hardcore supporting me in this makes me feel like crying. honestly, i truly believe they are the best parents in the world.
no doubt in my mind.
i spent like.. 2 1/2 hours with my dad today. first we went to the camera place where the guy told me my camera is a peice of Too-old-to-fix criznap, then he gave me a tour of tilton, laconia, and franklin. the downtown areas have all these cute little shops. and theres a thrift store in laconia called the cheapo depot.. heh heh. cute. and a good will. and another thrift store in .. tilton? or franklin, i can't rembember but it's great.
now i won't have to dress soley in gap clothing, since that's the only quasi-inexpensive store around here (The other ones are J-crew, and ralph lauren & crap like that)
i'm feeling happy kids.
i miss people though.
i think i may be fully through this seth thing. but no definate word yet. so don't get your hopes up.
sleepy.
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(can ya dig it?)
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| cliiiiiiche........ (you're electric.. boogie oogie oogie) |
[25 Jun 2002|12:56am] |
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mood |
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poety-ishy pooshy wooshy |
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music |
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delirium trigger- coheed and cambria |
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FreshJivePunk: i'm gonna write a song about a boy
BloodOnOurHands: named chad?
FreshJivePunk: heh, probably.
_____
wishful thinking
what's easier than doing nothing?
doing nothing with you.
reading your heartbeat
testing your smile
silences unawkward
eyes like moonlight
a cliche love song
with every good intention
layered in between the lines
hold my hand
never let it go.
sing the sweetest things in my ear
just below a whisper
that's how angels sing
lightly
like wind blows the leaves
and rain on my eyelashes
effervescent, you glow.
your lips feel like satin.
electricity.
your hand in my hair,
leave the other on my back.
i love it,
when it feels like you're everywhere.
the enveloping of a girl,
overtaken by a boy,
the connecting of two hearts,
welded in purity
i'm not afraid.
you make me feel safe.
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(can ya dig it?)
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| moooooo. |
[24 Jun 2002|11:46pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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timberwolves at new jersey- taking back sunday |
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i'm incapable of sleeping unless i take pills.
how sad is that.
i've developed a dependency on benedryl.. for it's "sleep now" effect.
beautiful.
simply beautiful.
My cat is the killer of all things small and bug-like.
she's the woman.
she beat the snot out of this moth today. it was great.
she ripped the wings off that thing with attitude.
she was all "Take that bug-fiend!!! EAT IT! foy-wah!"
yeah, you heard me "foy-wah"
it appears, that the only boys interested in talking to me off MOC are old enough to be my dad.
or at least, my dad's brother.
..er.. my uncle.
or maybe my brother, since they're like.. 28.. haha
i'm stupid.
i'm lonely.
i miss brandon.
Grr..
_________
my belly hurts.
i have cramps.
i feel like i'm going to die.
_________
i figured out the school thing.
i think this may be my last year.
i need 25 credits to graduate.
i have 8 1/2..
i'm taking two correspondence courses this summer
that will give me 10 1/2
and i'm taking 8 classes at the high school.
so.. 18 1/2 credits.
and i'm taking this class at the technical college.. 3 credits..
21 1/2 credits
and since i'm doing this.. fantastic wonderful dual enrollment thing..
i only need 3 1/2 more.
BABY! could it be that hannah will graduate on time even though she is a terrible slacker?
YES! IT COULD!
i'm overjoyed.
i'm zealous.
i'm pissing my proverbial pants.
_____
it's hot in here.
i'm sleepy.
sleep is for the weak..
Grr..
i am TOUGH.
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(5 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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| the downfall of her smile |
[23 Jun 2002|11:44pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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cassiopeia- coheed and cambria |
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the rain tonight
reminds me of how it felt
when you spit in my face
silent obscenities.
i'm really just a child
i really should hate you for this
but forgiveness is my downfall
and you've scratched your way to my surface
i'm such a sucker for false sincerity
could this hurt anymore
it depends on how far you twist the knife
you enthusiastically shoved into my back
as i turned it to you
mishap, convenience,
it all depends on whose eyes your looking through.
tonight i feel like looking through mine
unfortunately they're hazy
and i'm just a little girl
and i can't seem to pull myself away
i'm sick of this sickness
with twitching lips i smile
because it's fine.
because i'm weak.
but betrayal is something i can't swallow
i bet you're still laughing.
maybe it's my turn
and maybe it's easier when i know exactly what goes on
when i've turned around
to nurse the wounds of prior battles
no, i'm not the victim
no, i'm not the innocent
but it seems as though you've failed to point out
that i haven't failed as a friend
but i've never really been the victor
you made goodbye so easy.
getting over this is another story.
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(can ya dig it?)
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| mtv's "undressed" is the most horribly casted/written/acted tv show |
[23 Jun 2002|12:42am] |
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mood |
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okay |
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music |
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you're so last summer- taking back sunday |
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i can't type for the life of me.
sheesh.
my brain goes too fast for my fingers and it takes my fingers a minute to catch up to what it wants to say.
i have to pick my courses for next year.
that's right kids.. i'm a highschool student again.
pray that i don't end up freaking out ..for a second time.. next year. i'm really scared of that. i hate the way i ended up. i really ruined so many friendships when i half lost myself.
i don't have any i can afford to ruin.
if i lose anyone else.. i think i'd blast myself. the ones i have now are the most beautiful people this world holds.
enough said.
_____________________________________________
and now for some emo-loser heartache that i've completely imposed apon myself.. let's get this party started, shall we?
two words.
seth.letter.
i think about him too much. whenever i get a letter from him.. i'm pretty sure i replay everything he's ever said to me in my mind, analyze it, decide that he never really cared..
cry.
and then realize he would never lie that badly.
and that i'm a stupid loser.
and that despite the opinions of various people.. we're not meant to be together.
the beautiful cliche.. oil and water.
except.. it's more like...
oil and.. and.. something less pure than water.
like.. apple juice..
or coffee..
yes. oil and coffee.
we almost mix.
but.. we don't. and i know, i really do love him. but he's broken my heart far too many times.
making out with my best friend is not an option.
making out with someone i'm acquainted with is not an option.
note to self: *never date anyone that is more attractive than me*
__________
we tried to buy momma a kitten today. it didn't happen. apparently you have to be 21 to buy a "medium" sized animal.
"kittens are small, you dolt."
________________________________
"Did I ever tell you that everything I know about breaking hearts I learned from you? Well, it's true. And I know, I've never done it with the grace and style you have. I settled instead for making long term plans based on my mistakes."
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(4 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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| meh. |
[22 Jun 2002|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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mellow |
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music |
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oh boy (cover by)-mxpx |
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so, i remembered this from a while ago.
i met this kid tim.. a really long time ago. i was 13.
i really liked him. it was pretty crazy. i met him at mount zion coffeehouse. he was visiting his uncle (whose.. 20..), and his uncle's band was playing there that night.
he lives in long island.
but anyway..
when he came up to me, it took him like 20 minutes to ask me what my name was.
and i said "Hannah.. what's yours?" and he said.. "tim." and i said.. "that's cool." and he says.. "sometimes."
so, his name being tim.. is cool... sometimes
good memories. he was the first punk rock boy that ever looked twice at me. and probably the most tragically beautiful person i've ever met. he was always so sad. he had eyes like a small beaten animal... at 13. everyone should still be putting dandelions in their hair at 13.. not worrying about ruining their sober status.
we kept in touch until last summer. something happened, i don't remember what. we got in some lame argument. and he said "i'm not mad, i'm just a dink"
in.. less gentle words.
yep. the last words he ever spoke to me. .. i saw his uncles band a little while ago. and i emailed him. and he's been online since then.. and he's never gotten back to me.
he's probably forgotton.
But hey. that's cool. he's probably really different by now. i definately am.
i remember him talking about how he hated v-neck sweaters.
and how he really liked tapered stone washed jeans, cut off at the bottom so the were at his ankle.. worn with black hi-top chuck taylors.
and i remember him telling me he made out with this girl from school at a party. and then while they were kissing her friends came up and pulled her away to go hang out with them.. and he felt used. the stereotypical male, feels cool about the no commitment thing.. yeah. he wasn't. he got really upset. it was kinda cute.. especially since he was a 14 year old boy who'd done more than most of my male friends have done now.. to my knowledge.
eh.. getting sad.
no.
nostalgia.. gah.
HOLY CRAP!!!! I HAVE A CAR!!! i just remembered, most of you people don't know.. baby!
it's a 1991 ford tempo. the lightest blue i've ever seen.
but it's got stickers all over it already.. :\ i bought it from this girl vicky.
she put a "God bless the freaks" sticker on it....
..:no comment:..
i think i might name my tempo.. Rocket.
however, it looks more like a bessy..
wait.. maybe i'll name it roxy.
i'll have to see how it feels.
it's either i name the car roxy, or my first born daughter roxy.
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(3 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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| epiphany. |
[21 Jun 2002|12:20am] |
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mood |
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content |
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music |
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valentine- get up kids |
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so, i've decided i do believe in unrequited love.
don't ask me why, i'd probably throw up with nervousness
but as a side note.
i've (you've) completely revamped my veiws on love.
yes, there is still that *one* person that everyone is ultimately supposed to be with.
but, i think, forcing yourself to remain out of love because you're young is a completely imbecilic idea.
but still, i think i hadn't/haven't been in love.
i usually don't count relationships taht last for less than a month.. but if i do... the last time i had a boyfriend was october, 2001. not so long ago, eh?
but .. not counting that.. 2 years, suckah. 2.
7 months, two weeks.. out of my life have been spent with/wasted on boys i knew i wouldn't be with forever.
i'm never doing that again.
i am fixated on not dating someone if i can see myself breaking up with them.
...bedtime. tylenol pm is kicking in.
constants aren't so constant anymore.
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(2 diggers | can ya dig it?)
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