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LiveJournal for just don't make me cry.
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| Monday, March 4th, 2002 |
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there is hairdye on my head. yay. and i miss. the touch. of your hand. and i miss. the taste. of your kiss. and i miss. the smell. of your skin. |
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sometimes i have a lot to say in here but i don't because i have a fear of others getting upset at me. and it's not bad things, just things that seem to bother me. and things i should probably let out and say. i just don't. sometimes i don't feel like the selfish one. sometimes is always too late. sometimes i don't know what to do or think or say. sometimes i hate being around kids that aren't my friends. sometimes i hate wandering around without anyone in a room full of people when the one person i want to be with is off somewhere else. sometimes it makes me feel like when i was with him at shows. sometimes i want to scream and tell you i don't want you to do that again. sometimes i realize you have friends and it's normal, because i do it too. but sometimes, one should think of the other and maybe not leave her to feel so alone. so not wanted there. so used up. sometimes i don't think i should even write half of what i say. sometimes when i have creative energy and i know what i want to make and i start to. it disappears. or i don't think it's a good enough idea. or it won't turn out how i see it in my head, so i give up. i don't appreciate anything i do/make. i have no reason to. sometimes that happens with photography and drawing. sometimes that's all the time. sometimes i don't want to leave your bed and i just want to sleep more in your arms. sometimes i feel like i waste too much money when i could be buying other things. sometimes i want to ask for help when it comes to buying gas. sometimes i want to ask for help in general. sometimes i just want to say 'no' even when it's really a 'yes'. sometimes i realize i haven't missed him since i've known you. all the time is when i realize i love you. and everyday i realize we get better and better. |
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my oh my. i found a trading spaces quiz.  take the which one of the trading spaces cast are you? quiz! anyway. thanks, so does yours. so do you vegitarian enchiladas=yumyumyum i think my mom is upset that i'm never home. well, i haven't really been home this weekend at all. and then tonight i'm not going to be here. but then i'll be here everyday after work, after today. and i'm kind of glad. the past week i've put like $30+ of gas in the car. ouch. last night i was real selfish. but i'm not the only one who is/was. and i realized the other day how much i missed talking to you. and i didn't mean to pull away. saying you are my boyfriend. really makes me smile. .you.make.my.heart.melt. arr breathe. just breathe. lip. tragus. lip. tragus. star. |
| Saturday, March 2nd, 2002 |
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- i don't understand how someone who has so much of everything can be sad. is it an attention wanting thing? - i whine all the time. and sometimes i hate when someone else is sad, because if i'm sad i hold it in so it's not that bad on the two of us. - i'm bossy. - whiny and bossy. wow. - sex degrees of seperation. um... only VH1. where's the "rocks" after it though? pocus knows what i'm talking about. - this is so nice. i'm glad we're friends nichole, because you're a really good listener. - also, are you coming over? to carsons tonight? ... i wanna see you again, we don't see each other enough!! - that makes me feel so loved. - i can play the flute. - and trumpet. - and violin, kind of. - yea, nichole randomness that you probably didn't know. - carson gave me the best shirt last night. and it smells like him. and me. mixed together. and we smell so nice. and i think it's the best thing i've ever gotten. because he loves this shirt and stuff. - i love him. - i bit his cheek this morning when i woke him up. - i think i want to get dressed now and go buy hairdye and dye my hair. even though it's still dark. - black? - no no, dark dark brown. - favorite girls names: gwen, and d'arcy. - boys: haven, and i have this newfound love for the name oscar, i'm not sure why. - i'm going to walmart with mom. - maybe i'll get a roll of film developed. - and definitely hair dye. - i'm in love. |
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i spent the night at carson's. why am i home? meeting at work. i was supposed to wake up at 9, but carson didn't wake up to wake me up. i woke up at 9:45 and left at 5 til 10. the meeting started at 10. i was only 20 minutes late, and when i got there we still had to wait on other people. girls kept calling him at 1:30. whatever. no one can compete with me. hahahaha. i'm in a silly mood. and i'm kind of tired/hungry. my sinuses have been kind of bad the past two days. i dread the upcoming weeks. i need to shower. and eat. and sit around wishing i was with carson. i really hate that i had to leave. around 3:30 we fell asleep on the couch upstairs. at 5 we woke up. well, i woke up because i felt like i was being stabbed in my ribs, and i wanted to move. and then he woke up. i really should have said "screw the meeting". chico still thinks i'm upset with him. my mom was being weird when i told her i was staying at carson's. mainly because my dad is a freak. something about he will wonder where i'm at when he wakes up and i didn't talk to him about it. but he's sleeping. or maybe he went back to sleep. and woke up earlier today. i'm not sure. the thing i got for carson fell in a puddle of water today. i'm not sure if it will work still or not. i'm never sure. of anything. except you. thank you. for turning everything around and making it better. |
| Friday, March 1st, 2002 |
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my default picture is changed, which is weird because i did not change it. we got our asses kicked at work tonight. but i got to leave at 7:30. YAY! worked a double. and heard robert ask me why i'm not working it tomorrow with him because he enjoys working the double with me. sitting in a bath robe. about to get dressed since i'm supposed to be at carson's at 9:30 and it takes an hour to get there from here. bah. i talked to theresa for like 5 seconds today. she was on her way home. or something. i don't know. she sounded bitter. maybe it was from the long drive and not because of me. i don't doubt it was because of me. everyone seemed to be mad at me today. except mom. eric and i rock when we work together. i got this thing for carson. but i wanted to get more. i think i'll have to order the others. since the place was out. still waiting on the rest. store meeting at 10 AM. i think i'll wake up at 9:15 and go in pj's. that sounds good even though i hate not showering. oh well. what else? nothing. at all. |
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i have to leave for work in about 8 minutes. yay. fun time with george. i really hope he has the food prepped. but more than likely he won't. he's supposed to do it when he gets there at 9:30. he probably gets there at around 10:15. when i saw him he didn't mention anything about my hair. he used to always make comments about it. it was just weird hearing nothing. it doesn't matter though. but he did. they switched rolls for the night. there's someone who posts journal entries that sometimes seem like they can be made towards me.... i'll explain later. maybe. probably not. i hope your day gets better, dear. (psst, look!) my tummy is talking. it needs food. i just ate a cupcake and half a cup of sprite. i really want nothing else. suffer. maybe i should not have eaten the cupcake. weight = 122. ugh. my dog won't come in and i have to leave NOW. hm. i had a heart to heart kind of talk with a friend last night. it was nice. xoxoxoxoxo |
| Thursday, February 28th, 2002 |
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i didn't have to close tonight. mikey is my papajohns hero of the week. even though i told robert he was 3 days ago. oh well. the night was hell. so busy. eric and i had a wonderful time before we got busy with orders, putting toppers on boxes and running around goofing off. man, i love him. casey, man, i hate working with his 'holier than thou' self. it really pisses me off. i was mad for like, 2.3 minutes earlier today. not mad. just upset. i soon forgot it. tomorrow i work at 11. wee. then, i get off early for nothing. jessica doesn't need me to switch anymore. saturday there's a show. and i will probably work late since jessica has the double that day. i can see carson, i think. if he isn't doing other things after his play. alone.time.is.all.i.want.sometimes. it's so hard. i guess it's good your thing was cancelled. i have a store meeting at 10 saturday morning. even though since i had other plans i was going to be excused from it. |
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i really can't wait for monday. i have money. and i want to go thrifting. yes. really i want to go. i've been saying i want to go and i just don't. but i neeeeeeeeed to go. and for some reason, i have an urge to go to atlanta. but i will not go. and carson has band practice monday so he can't go with me. blah blah blah. i would just like to spend the time he gets out of school until the time i have to leave with him and him only. because we've only done that once and that was like the very first day we were boyfriendgirlfriendy. but. i can't be selfish. i remember he used to tell me to. *edited* i hate shortfastiloveyou's that can barely be heard or understood. and mean tones for asking one simple question i never really got an answer to. it makes me feel like the most special person in the world. really. and i know you didn't mean it, and i shouldn't be upset. but it did kind of hurt. hey buttercup. wow. it wasn't nerd or dork. |
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every morning at 7:47 i get a call from him while he's on his way to school. and i don't mind. anyone else i wouldn't answer or i'd be short with. it's funny. usually i'm wide awake when he calls. and lately i'm so sleepy and barely remember the conversation after i go to sleep and wake back up. my body is sore, and my head has had this constant headache for about 3 days now. i hope this isn't me getting sick. again. and i blame it on the weather. warm and wonderful then cold and bitter. what's with that? i just want warm sunshiny weather. i want to fall in love over and over and over. but i do that with one look in his eyes everytime we see eachother. and probably about 6 times a day. i ramble too much. and i drive too fast. that was actually written in a different diary of mine. one that i haven't updated in close to two months. but i figured i would leave a 'suprise' entry for him incase he still reads that. doubtful. food. i need it. now. maybe i'll wait until 5 and make a small pizza with nothing except cheese. or maybe 1/3 onion. and eat that. but really i don't want pizza. at all. unless it's amazing pizza from a pizza parlor or something. just not papa johns. the new spinich alfredo pizza is okay, and the six cheese one looks pretty decent. i haven't tried that. and i probably won't. limited time only. one month. thank god. you have to be so careful when making those just because one tiny box of the six cheeses is $65 and the spinich alfredo stuff. well, i'm not really sure how much that is. but i wouldn't think it would be too much. work is taking over my journal. man, my arms are so sore. and i just want to cuddle back in bed. and sleep. i was thinking of calling in, but then i realized i have to close and chico would get upset because he is the closing driver. i just don't feel well at all. sure, i feel well enough to work. but i know my head will be pounding more than it is now, and my body will become more weak and sore. and really. all i want to do. is see carson. work will not allow that. besides he has oneacts. i kind of hope he doesn't have band practice today. he really needs to rest some. he's so wore out. |
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the pink is gone! it's all red and white. wee wee wee. but i think i will change it to blues and yellows. or blues and greens. or baby blue and red.<3 or baby blue and brown.<3 or maybe. i will keep it like this because i love red and white. also. HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY JULIA! |
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 Which My Little Pony Are You?  See what Care Bear you are.perhaps. |
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so so tired. i miss carson more than ever right now. what am i talking about? i always miss him more than ever. sometimes i wonder why it didn't feel like this with him. it didn't compare. at all. i am so in love with him. i hate being hungry and having food but not wanting it. actually the potato seemed good. except a potato isn't good after more than 30 minutes. and salads. i just. never liked much at all. lettuce and italian dressing. yes. but with the other stuff. no. and i know i can pick it out but that's just a hastle and i'm too lazy to do it. so i'm cooking an italian sausage boca style. rock. tomorrow i work at 5. but close. 11:30. what a time to get out of work. i am going to miss carson's one acts and i'm kind of upset about that. i think tonight was some of the best. ever. yet. there's red marker on my arm and looking at it makes me smile. jeremy. thanks. i know i said it in a reply. but thanks. really. it's nice to know i pop into your head every now and then. please come to anniston for a show. it'd be nice to see you. evan called me tonight. it was so nice to talk to him. we decided when i go to illinois that we would meet up and hang out since we haven't seen eachother in so long. and wisconsin isn't that far from illinois. just. right there. he now has all 3 ways to contact me. yay for that! i'm glad he called. i'm glad he's doing okay. and i'm glad he's my cousin. everyone messes up now and then, but when you leave to make things better and you're in the process of that. that's amazing. it just makes me happy. i'm wearing my underground atlanta shirt. and it has black hairdye on it from where i dyed carson's hair a month ago (or close to a month). i hope it comes out soon. i loved this shirt. and it's not from me making a mess. it's from a kind of wet carsonhead laying on my stomach. that is a long line of people to find me by. and yea, again. nice to kind-of meet you. |
| Wednesday, February 27th, 2002 |
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dear you, i miss you. last night work was hell. today i have so much to do. i even went to bed when carson did so i would wake up and get ready to do everything before i had to be at work at 4. it's 2. and i still have to clean out my car. go to hubbards, and walmart. i've only done one thing to far that was on my list that i didn't list. and that, i'm proud of. i dread the weekends. fridays are a double, and sundays i have to open. i guess what makes this weekend worse is i close on thursday. and really, i don't think a girl should close. maybe i just don't really want to close and that's an excuse. but serioulsy, the driver isn't there at all really. sometimes i feel like i took on too much. too many people depend on me at work. in a way it's nice. to know someone needs me to help them. because i always need someone to help me. i can't depend on myself so i depend on other people. i think i'm just rambling. yea, i think so. i think i get to see carson tonight. i hope i get to see carson tonight. god. and also, whenever i want to switch my double days with jessica she lets me. i would rather work saturday mornings than friday. but this friday i just can't. she got kind of mad at me because she always switches when i want her to. and she asked me and i said 'no'. i told her the reason and she says "can't you do it saturday night? i'm supposed to get married saturday". i come back with "i open the store at 9:30 am how am i supposed to wake up and get to oxford from bham by then? it won't happen" i wanted to throw in the "you were supposed to get married on valentines day and if you weren't you said you would come into work. you didn't and that left me with two other people all night". i kept my mouth shut. i do that a lot lately. i don't need to. i should go back to how i was. |
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today is my lovely carson's birthday. so HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARSON! (again) i.love.you. |
| Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 |
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today i have spilled, ran into and knocked over everything. soda is spilled in my car. i bumped my hip in the stairs at mom's work. and i knocked over tons of samples of viagra, actos, hyzaar, and vioxx. my whole body is sore and i have this every-now-and-then drainage. my mind just isn't all here today i don't guess. i wasn't going to go to work today either. chico had me off the schedule, and when he called yesterday we decided i would come in. after i got my check and came to my mom's work i realized i just didn't feel well enough to work. so i called him. he said i didn't have to come in, mike was in the backgroud asking who he was talking to so chico told him. mike yelled "besides me and the 2 phone girls working tonight there aren't any other inside workers. blah blah blah" so i just said i would come in. chico kept saying i didn't have to, since he's head of the store, but i am. why? i have no idea. mike has been nothing but an ass to everyone since he's become a manager. and tonight i get to put up with it. i should change and leave. my mom's work is cold. |
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you are my best friend. also. i have a new friend. he is anonymous. but a friend of a friend of a friend. he seems nice. a name should be left. and he knew who i was talking about in a post, i think. yea, i'm sure. but yes, mr. anonboy it is nice to meet you too. |
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| and sometimes. when i think of being away from you for more than a day. i cry. not only because of how much i'll miss you but also because in that 4 days i think of how you could find someone else. |
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...A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man--promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay... -from the film beautiful girls, 1995 |
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wow. there's a different 'jew' who reads my diary... so. who are you? you are my everything. i love how you write me journal entries and leave my long voice messages. how you can make me smile on command. how you tackle me in your front lawn. just everything about you i love more and more each day. 4 days in a row... and now i have to wait until friday. my heart is not smiling right now. i forgot to finish ordering gifts friday. i think i should do that now. they are late enough.  Which Chess Piece Are You?
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LiveJournal for just don't make me cry.
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sad.
happy.
sore.