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( you're gonna carry that weight...) [24 Feb 2002|06:31pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | mdfmk - witch hunt ] This music of course makes me think of Myke because he was the one that told me about them. Lol I remember him repeating himself last year, saying, "You know what you should download?" I can picture him with a small smile on his face saying that, and of course that mental image makes me smile and laugh. And then grimace because I wish I could have seen him this vacation, or whenever I wanted. That would make my life and days much more brighter that it defies description. Le sigh. But that will make meeting him all the more happier and brighter and yay, right? I'll try not to dwell on the subject, since it makes me day dream and smile but also pains me. Don't get me wrong -- his thought does not give me pain, rather it just hurts to know that when I'm feeling empty or alone I can't go to him for a hug and comforting words. Or even just someone to curl up and fall asleep next to. All right, I'm moping. I'll try and pull myself back. Right now, my friend Chris-Tofu-Boy is showing me these paintings of an insane artist from the 1400's. The panels of the apocalypse depicted and emitted from the hands of a deranged man, and turned into beautiful pieces of art. Fancy that. Sometimes I envy the insane, or the enlightened, for their knowledge of how truly corrupt and decrepit this world is -- and then I remember that most of them are totally out of it and don't know what the heck they're talking about. But truthfully, I envy Bosch's artistic talents: Central panel, Paradise panel and finally the Hell panel. Interesting..

( you're gonna carry that weight...) [24 Feb 2002|05:47pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | veruca salt - one last time. ] OK this piece of shit computer just erased my current entry (which was very long and descriptive.) I HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS TO ME! Now I don't even WANT to talk about my childhood. flksad Gah! I HATE THIS COMPUTER.

( you're gonna carry that weight...) ah, reconciliation. [24 Feb 2002|02:39pm] Starr Kiitten: I know you hate me (and I have to agree that you have a pretty damn good reason to) but I want to know why you think I am the way I am. If you don't want to talk to me, that's perfectly fine. If you do, that's even better. But I'm not exactly happy to know that I lost a friend (were you even my friend?). ( more hereeeee. )

(1 fallen star ¦ you're gonna carry that weight...) top o' the mornin' to ye. [24 Feb 2002|10:13am] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | yasunori mitsuda - the girl who stole the stars ] hm. ok. I need to squish this in here before the Dahlstroms invade and I can't talk to you guys anymore. Vickie : I'm not sure what you find so funny, or what you think I'm trying to do. If I was trying to be like you (cold, heartless and thoughtless about the pain you inflict on other people) I would be saying "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM. WHY DOES A CERTAIN SOMEONE SIGN OFF WHENEVER I GET ON. WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ME. EVERYONE NEEDS TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME. ME ME ME ME." I'm only trying to make you see the facts -- you DO appear that way sometimes. Or the majority of the time. I'm not going to prosecute you for what you put in your journal because I'm a big believer on the posting-whatever-the-hell-you-want theory, but I'm sure if you look back on some of your angrier entries (check during your time of the month, since that seems to be when they fall) and I mean REALLY look back, you'll see what I mean. Or you'll see something relevant to my opinion. Or you'll see nothing, I don't know and frankly I don't care. I'm just sick and tired of you hurting Lauryn, making her cry, having her call me in tears and explain to me what pathetic little argument you guys got into. I don't know what good she sees in you, but you should be grateful someone sees SOMETHING trustworthy and likable inside of you. Because I don't see it, all I see is a scorned little girl who's love for herself has warped her into this self piteous, self centered little bitch. Be grateful someone cares about you at all. Oh, and if you want to send your foul mouthed followers after me -- let them come. If all they can think to say is "fuck" "cunt muncher" "cock sucker" and any other random curse word every line, they apparently have no intelligence whatsoever. =D You guys are the perfect friends! Ok. I have that out of the way, now I can continue. I was reading through my brother's GamePro magazine and came across a bunch of interesting things. Turns out after I pieced two and two together I figured out where a certain someone has been these past few days. Hence, I'm not worried too much -- the game looks pretty cool, to be honest. Lol I just wish I had enough money to play it. And Brian tried to play Max Payne last night and the controls, let me tell you, are so confusing it goes beyond my methods of describing it. It looks really cool, though, and I want to play it but this is what I always do -- sit and watch Brian play through games and then after I've got a pretty good idea of what to do I'll start playing myself. I only really started FF X on my own. Plus I learned, while reading that GamePro thing, that they're making a game out of The Matrix and Lord of the Rings -- spiffness! I just hope that Xbox doesn't get it, like they stole the Buffy game. Sweet Jesus does Xbox suck. But we'll just have to wait 'til the fall, now won't we? Hm. I need to watch The Matrix again, it gave me a pretty good idea of what I want to write about, and since the movie is just so badass I'll watch it again. Later! xoxo

( you're gonna carry that weight...) [23 Feb 2002|07:59pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | ayumi hamasaki - connected ] I think i'm going to cry. i've missed him so much and now he won't answer. this hurts. it makes me think he's mad at me or he doesn't want to talk to me. and that hurts a lot. i've missed him and i've wanted to talk to him all week. i have this fear that he'll just randomly blurt out one day that he's lost interest in me and loving me and god.. i go insane, you know? i don't want to think that at all because i love him so much and i don't want him to just leave me. i know it's a stupid fear to have and it's very dumb of me but i'm really nervous and afraid that he will do that. he said he was serious this time and that he meant it and that means so much to me, but sometimes i forget, you know? not really forget, but the bad outweighs the good in some cases and him being online and not talking to me (or blocking everyone while talking to me). but i guess i deserve this -- this is sorta like, payback for all the times i've hurt him unknowingly, so i'll just.. take it. i'll take it and deal with it and squish it to nothing and wait for him to come back because i can't do much else now can i? but it hurts, you know? seeing him there and having him just not talk to me.. it really hurts. but i can deal with it. i can handle this. i can take this and move on with it because he's always going to be there. on a lighter note, i rented max payne and The Matrix today. I saw an Angel Sanctury DVD and I showed it to my mom but she didn't have enough money =\ thanks to our little shopping sprees at the thrift stores. I read the back and =O OMG do I want that DVD ever so much. But I'll settle with The Matrix, and then I can see Romeo + Juliet some time soon. Along with Angel Sanctuary =D And now I'm talking to Lauryn, my voice of reason. Thank you so much Lauryn, I'm glad you make sense when everything else in my world doesn't. ::super major hug attack:: -.- I hope Myke's throat feels better soon. I don't want to call him and have him strain it again because I could tell that it hurt him a lot. =\ So I guess I'll call him sometime during the week, maybe around Wednesday or so. Or whenever he requests it. He knows I'm always here for him whenever he needs/wants to talk or have someone to yell at or babble to. I don't mind any of it, all of the above are appreciated. I love you, Myke. Hm, but I'll jump back to our thrift store shopping. First I sorta didn't want to go there, 'cause I just wasn't up to it and I was clinging to the hope that Myke would come back and start talking to me. But after she asked me again in this hopeful and hurt voice I agreed and off we went. On our way Mom played lotto and I kissed the ticket for good luck, then handed it back to her. Let's hope we win! =D Then we drove to the thrift store and browsed around for a bit; I found another cool plaid skirt(black and white this time) a really pretty dress that looks like a reject Austin Powers' dress but fits me like a dream (shows off my figure too =o), a Hotaru-ish dress (long sleeved turtleneck that ends in a dress. :] it's a dark reddish brown, though, but that's not that bad), a light blue skirt that has a train and light red and yellow flowers on it, a short sleeved white shirt, and other nice stuff. lol Mom and I are still looking for a Marla Singer dress, and if I find it you know I'm going to get it, meet one of my ol friends and say, "I bought this dress .. for one dollar at a thrift store." And ask if they think it was worth every penny. Haw. My mom got some really nice summery-dresses and Abercrombie and Fitch pants, Gap shirts, and I got Steve Madden shoes -- all under ten bucks! o_o Wow, huh? Lol, just think, even when/if we hit the lotto, mom and I'll still shop at thrift stores xP. Well, I'm off. ^_^ oh and I think that SOME PEOPLE need to control their PMS demons. =o It works wonders, it does. oh and.. Max Payne = sweetness. o_o This game, the more I read about it and desire to play it, 0wnz me more than I 0wn Myke. lol. I feel bad for him, though. =( Having his family murdered by these druggie fuckwits -- lmao, Max, not Myke. o_o

( you're gonna carry that weight...) 35 minutes without a myke dosage = hell. [23 Feb 2002|05:33pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | veruca salt - one last time ] 'k. so Myke IMed me around the last minutes of .. four o'clock and we got into a minor discussion about sparrows and their speed velocity, but then he got kicked off. I'm more thinking he signed off which sucks 'cause.. I miss him and I want to talk to him. =\ Well, I'm off to the thrift store with my mom. She's been bitching at me for about fifteen minutes, saying that I ALWAYS sit in front of the computer (not true! ^_^) and that I should at least try and do something with her just for a little while -- so I agreed. Plus she's letting us rent some movies tonight, and I'll see if I could rent Max Payne along with Romeo + Juliet, and The Matrix -- two movies that I have been desperate to see sometime soon. Wish me luck. Lol I need something new to play, anyway -- I've been thinking of starting a new game in FF X and renaming Tidus, Neo since they don't say his name anyway. O_o Don't ask. And whenever I get the Magus Sisters again I'll rename them Ayumi, Miyumi and Kiyuri -- and YES it took me a while to figure out that those sorta rhyme. Here's that conversation er.. semi conversation between Myke and I. ( sparrows.. hah. )

( you're gonna carry that weight...) [23 Feb 2002|03:35pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | ayumi hamasaki - trust ] Change of plans -- turns out that the Dahlstrom's aren't coming over here, nor us over there, because Ann needs to pick up some child support or other check from her ex. So.. yay they get money. We'll probably go to the mall tomorrow with them. =( I just wish Myke were here, lol, I'd be happier if I went to a mall with him, so I didn't have to scare people by myself. Plus just to have him near me and in contact range would be so splendiferous that I wouldn't know what to say for the first few minutes. And don't everyone rush to talk to me O_o. I think I'll just go off and write about futuristic gang warfare, with cyborg rogues hunted down by these .. people. Lol. yeah, aren't I so descriptive? ::watches the names drop off her bl:: woo. bye everyone. glad to know you don't wanna talk, or you'd rather sit in front of the screen and ignore me. =D! i kid. blarg. i know i'm not that important.

( you're gonna carry that weight...) [23 Feb 2002|01:41pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | ayumi. ] I must have seen about fifty people running along North Country Road this entire week. Makes me want to start running again. Not really to stay in shape or be fit, just to give myself something to do. Plus it feels good running -- as weird as it sounds I'm finally free and it feels like everything is left behind when I'm running. I guess it gets easier every time you do it, running away and leaving your problems behind you in another town, in another place, in another life, with other people. I wonder what it feels like. and now I'm sounding like one of my characters. damn.

( you're gonna carry that weight...) [23 Feb 2002|12:43pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | ayumi hamasaki - connected ] ugh. Ok so.. I'm feeling better, and I'm happier and stuff 'cause I realize that people are busy and shouldn't always talk to me. But ye gods HOW I MISS YOU MYKE =( ok. Had to get that one out. And now I think I'll start writing about Free and Neo. Where should I start off though? =O 1: beach 2: Sharla Ray's house (Sharla Ray = Free's adopted mom) 3: from the end of the book to the beginning. Comments, people, comments! Lol I promise I'll post what I have later.

( you're gonna carry that weight...) [23 Feb 2002|11:23am] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | ayumi hamasaki - fly high £ connected ] Well another boring Saturday. Two days 'til I go back to my own private hell. How wonderful. Hope Myke's feeling better.. and Lauryn, too. She had a really bad cold when we talked last night, and she sounded all far away :(. And Vickie, it isn't that we are avoiding you or we don't want to talk, I had to go that time and Lauryn said she would call me. So there. =d Blarg. Later I'm being shipped off to some childhood friends house, or they're coming over here and we'll go out to eat and I really really don't want to see them. Since they gave Lauren away, or since she ran away, I've sorta lost interest in that family. Ever since I was little both of our families have been broken off into pairs -- Jackie and Larissa, Brian and David, Lauren and me. And now that Lauren's gone who do I have? No one. I have to tag along with Larissa and Jackie and I feel like this stupid third wheel, the little sister who has nothing better to do but tag along and follow behind her sister and her friends. I told my mom that and she said it was ridiculous, that they wanted me to talk to them and hang out with them. Which is why everyone gets so quiet and awkward when I'm around? I guess some things can be explained easier when your sister isn't present. I just pretend not to hear them, or I busy myself by looking around the room. I could do the same thing if I wasn't there. I'm starting to get hooked on Ayuuuuuuuuu. Lol thanks Ruth, I'm an Ayumi-addict now. Her voice is so beautiful, even though I can't understand a word of what she is saying. Lol but they have translations on some sites, and it's really pretty. Yeah. I guess.. I'll write more later.

( you're gonna carry that weight...) [22 Feb 2002|10:42pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | björk - joga. ] I'm Jean Grey What X-Men Character are You? Goodness Gracious, you're everyone's favourite do-gooder Jean Grey, also known as Phoenix. You look after your teammates, get along with everyone, have a wonderful man who loves you and have pretty much achieved perfection. But look out when you're PMSing and you become Dark Phoenix: a raging homicidal bitch with a knack for causing trouble. .. blah. myke, where are you?

(2 fallen stars ¦ you're gonna carry that weight...) [22 Feb 2002|10:29pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | ayumi hamasaki - fly high. ] ayumi's voice is so pretty :(. lyrics to: dearest. hontou ni taisetsu na mono igai subete sutete shimaetara ii no ni ne genjitsu wa tada zankoku de sonna toki itsu datte me wo tojireba waratteru kimi ga iru aa itsuka eien no nemuri ni tsuku hi made douka sono egao ga taemanaku aru you ni hito wa mina kanashii ka na? wasure yuku iki mono dakedo ai subeki mono no tame ai wo kureru mono no tame dekiru koto [ai subeki mono no tame ai wo umeru mono no tame dekiru koto] aa deatta ano koro wa subete ga bukiyou de toomawari shita yo ne kizutsuke atta yo ne Ah itsuka eien no nemuri ni tsuku hi made douka sono egao ga taemanaku aru yo ni Ah deatta ano koro wa subete ga bukiyou de toomawari shita kedo tadori tsuita n da ne [toomawari shita kedo tadori tsukeru made] La-ha-- lalala... ENGLISH translation: It would be nice if we could throw away everything but what is most important Reality is just cruel, but whenever I close my eyes you're there, smiling Ah- I hope your smiling face is with me until the day I fall into eternal sleep Are all people sad? They are forgetful creatures... For that which you should love, for that which gives love: give it your all [For that which you should love, for that which buries love: give it your all] Ah- when we met we were so awkward We've taken the long road; we've hurt each other Ah- I hope your smiling face is with me until the day I fall into eternal sleep Ah- when we met we were so awkward We've taken the long road, but we've finally arrived [We've taken the long road, until we arrive] La-ha-- lalala... sorry friends, i just love this song so much and i'm getting addicted to it.

( you're gonna carry that weight...) du und ich. ich und du. [22 Feb 2002|08:39pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | blümchen - du und ich. ] yes, i am so bored i am now listening to techno and having the urge to dance around in a lurid funky jig, thank you. plus i have renowned faith and interest to write my story, even though Myke isn't here to be my little fountain of inspiration. I can always talk to him later, though. This I know. Just hope he comes back soon. He sounded awful when I called him on Wednesday, and I don't want to call him until his throat gets better so he doesn't have to hurt or strain his voice. =( Poor Myke. .. yeah. Anyway, I'm trying to think of how to make Myke's character (who's called Neo -- yes he stil has 890483 other names, but this is his real one) screwed up. Free is the spawn of a heroin addict beauty queen super-model raised by reject club acts who hold non stop parties for their clan of mindless druggie-followers. Lol now Neo needs some problems, as if knowing Free isn't bad enough.

(5 fallen stars ¦ you're gonna carry that weight...) [22 Feb 2002|06:19pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | massive attack - angel. ] no one to talk to. nothing to do. .. mom told me i'm not spending all night on the computer, so i guess i'll come back later and see if anyone will talk to me then. doubt it.

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