Saturday, May 4th, 2002
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4:24 pm
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I deserve better???
no
nothing is better
he's choking on the truth, on the reminders of what he'll never have....
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my eyes were clouded by jealous thoughts because I envy you...
you made me who I am.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: before i go
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4:22 pm
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do you ever wish you could freeze a single frame of your day and say "this is not my life"?
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12:58 am - he looked her deep in those beautiful eyes and asked...
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and a quiet yet perfect "yes" she answered from beneath her smile...
the boy's heart stopped, for a moment he couldn't breathe...
she had taken his breath away with those three simple letters....
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12:21 am - she fits into anagoly like perfection
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a contrast of black and white
fallacy and perfection
bewilderment and amazement
confusion and comfort...
the sky and the stars overhead
the darkness that blankets over, over a young boys heart
she drowning him in this darkness she designs for him...
the stars that light up the black night sky above
shes bringing nothing but brightness into the darkness of his life...
amazing...
the young boy is nothing but amazed...
simply amazed at this confusion laid before him...
current mood:  blank
current music: Penfold-June
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(comment on this)
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Friday, May 3rd, 2002
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8:20 pm - i looked out my bedroom window...
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the setting sun has never looked so fucking bleak
fuck all this...
current mood:  disappointed
current music: the december drive-at least im not fat
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Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
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11:08 pm - my blue angel...
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Today I see things in black and white, seems the closer I get, the farther away it brings. Maybe I don't deserve it....or maybe its meant to be. But I'm running out of standing room and my eyes are getting tired...so I'll try to find a way to stop the tears. A tired dawn. I blink my eyes eight hundred times, just to get a glimpse of you.
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: Little League
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1:32 am - im having a nervous breakdown tonight
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Wednesday, May 1st, 2002
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11:29 pm - not again...
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not another night like this
its bad enough i dont feel good
but now this?
i really dont want to go to the hospital
not tonight
not anytime soon
i dont like hospitals
we have a bad past
i dont want to rekindle that relationship
please come back home
please, be okay
im really scared
im beyond terrified
please be okay this time
i dont understand why this is happening
you dont deserve this
youve been the best anyone could ask for
im sorry i dont show that enough to you
just be safe again...im afraid to answer the phone
i dont want to hear any of those words
and im told to go back to bed?
right
fuck sleep tonight
ill be too busy crying
i really wish someone was here to talk to right now
anyone at all....
i'm all alone in my tears
i hate this
im praying for you
current mood: melancholy
current music: Failsafe
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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10:32 pm - tonight...
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1:55 pm - words you can't say...even though nothing has changed
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i fucking cherished you
i thought i would cherish this forever
how long would you let me cherish your beauty?
i always wondered that myself
you're fucking beautiful
i thought
love me?
i will not stand for this
i thought this would be different but this breaks my heart
and now it kills to feel...to feel anything at all
i can still feel staind blood in my veins the way it pumps for you, i can still feel my heart in my throat the way it jumped when you told me, that feeling...on top of the world
i hope this game you play with my emotions is fun
play the game out today
reset
go out and play it again tomorrow
im getting used to this table for one anyways
ive saved you this seat for hours now
since that night...1:00 came too early
everything always comes too early
but the seat is still empty
and you never showed up
do i still have reason to keep waiting for you to join me at this table?
oh yeah...i remember...i have one reason
but sometimes i dont even think you want to hear that reason
i want to tell you it
one sentence is all it takes
its fucking tearing me apart inside to be let out, to ring upon anything beyond these deaf ears
what happened back there?
where did i faulter?
i thought i could save it forever
i realized though...and realizations really suck...
forever is a long time....
would you do the same for me?
its cold at night
laying in my room
i'll snuggle my covers warm
and dream of you
i feel like shit
i think im going to go fucking vomit now
current mood: sick/confused/wanting/???
current music: cadillac blindslide
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
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11:03 pm - interesting fact young ones....
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people's ears emit noise that actually can be heard by passers by.
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maybe the voices inside my head are really my ears talking to me?
wow-i'm feelng broken
*oh....i'm truly sorry...(you know who you are) Please dont hate me forever...
current mood:  loved
current music: *actually not feeling loved...mostly hated...please love me
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Sunday, April 28th, 2002
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4:43 pm - you're either on the bus or you're off...
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This is the end beautiful friend
This is the end my only friend
the end of our elaborate plans
the end of everything that stands
the end
Can you picture what will be?
so limitless and free
No safety or surprise
the end
I'll never look into your eyes
again
Desperately in need of some stranger's hand
in a desperate land
Lost in a Roman Wilderness of pain,
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain
There's danger on the edge of town,
Ride the King's highway,
Weird scenes inside the goldmine
Ride the King's highway west, baby
Ride the snake, to the lake, The ancient lake
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake, He's best
The west is best
Get here and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is calling us
Driver, where you taking us?
The killer awoke before dawn,
He put his boots on,
He took a face from the ancient gallery,
And he walked on down the hall
He went to the room where his sister lived,
And then he pays a visit to his brother,
And then he walked on down the hall
And then he came to a door,
And he looked inside,
'Father?'
'Yes, son?'
'I want to kill you.'
'Mother, I want to....'
It hurts to set you free but you'll never follow me
Come on, baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
current mood:  high
current music: tHe DoOrs
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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11:30 am
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a fairytale in my mind
repeating in my dreams
so beautiful
a picturesque portrait on my wall
you’re a goddess
Did you know that?
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2:01 am - mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
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*wets lips*
chocolate cake fucking rocks...it gets me off
-peace, love and rock & roll
current mood:  horny
current music: polly esther-when i come back
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1:55 am - Why? Im being honest here...
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your eyes are my heaven
with a smile to match
i wish i were the mirror on your wall
to see your sight everyday
staring at your beauty
you'd stare back at me
i'll never close my eyes
making my day with your every look
you leave me speechless
remember that flower i picked you?
do you still have my heart?
i still have everything
and just one question
will you sit with me?
just one night
talk about anything
everything
the weather...i dont care
just to talk...
to hear your voice...
it takes my heart
you take me into your arms
i feel alright
you make things alright
this will be alright
i promise...
current mood: bored
current music: pale-teenage heaven
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Saturday, April 27th, 2002
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1:56 am - Brilliance discovered on a cool April night.....
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If lady day could only know how she's saving me now.
yeah....you're saving me, even if it goes unnoticed to your beautiful eyes.
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Funny.
I get out of the habit of telling everyone how boring my life currently is, but then again, I never mention the fact that everything the last couple of months has been better than ever before. Im pretty optimistic about a couple of things to be developing sometime soon. And all of this going down after pessimism took me by the hand and never desired to let go. Maybe this is how it feels to be happy. Something I never knew until recently. But at what price? Surely I feel it'll all come to an end but for now it only seems to begin its feel.
I hate the end...can it all just stay this once?
*good night*
current mood: ummmmmmm.....good? wierd
current music: the december drive-this side you've never seen
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, April 25th, 2002
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3:48 am - how does it feel to know.....
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you rewrite history everyday
page after page
alterations neverending
placing the pieces of the puzzle into a perfect fit
...yet discovering perfection of your design is my realm of disorder
jumbling the pieces back up
this chaos is your perfection
put aside for the evening's undieing end
we'll make another attempt at perfection tomorrow
*goodnight*
current mood: waiting for the sunrise......
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3:04 am - this skyline is darkening with your everyword...
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The skyline captures a better tone
of a change in progress for the secret alone
And somewhere in the depths of these landscapes and I
my senses are reclaimed and I remember to cry
Within the untouched grains of every ocean's salt
I can think of another blame and why its my fault
I can fall in love with summer and its sentimental smell
You and I, forever a night, and my heart begins to swell...
The farthest shadow from the skyline and me calling yet another
try to hurt me less
And this was a success
everything is set and designed to perfect its part
a reality forshadowed, forsaken by my
plastic heart...
Watch it fall apart and create me.
current mood: anything
current music: everything
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Monday, April 22nd, 2002
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3:36 pm - yeah it's time....
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it's definitely time for a change
goodbye
-END
current mood: nothing
current music: something
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11:29 am
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Dawn is approaching again. It falls upon a wounded soul swiftly. Another night passed without a moments rest. Sun breaking through the windows battered shades, shadows cast upon the bitter floor. More than a shadow, a figure, a life. Dark, an outline of moments gone by. The only signs of life cast within the shadow.
A motionless figure paralyzed in bed. An absence of thought, deprived of reasoning. Emotions drained dry, clinging to a desire falling through worn fingers. Screaming out in silence, crying for the sound of broken stillness.
Striving for the better, the good of a lifetime.
Lacking inspiration for a day.
A lifetime uninspired.
No thought to explain.
current mood: i wish i knew
current music: finch-what it is to burn
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