my world crumbles when you are not there...

I'm thinking of playing the sims...I just am so lost in emotions. Maybe by controlling sims it will make me feel more incontrol. I broke up with Will yesterday...and all I did today was cry...I felt disconnected...like I wasnt really seeing the things I saw and that my body wasn't there. Life is so semi-charmed...

I dont know what to do with my time.

[10 things i love]
1. Family
2. friends
3. William
4. exercise
5. compliments
6. psychology
7. learning
8. rain
9. dancing in the rain
10. love

[9 things i'm looking forward to]
1. Graduating
2. Meeting the new kids
3. riflery
4. Willie proposing to me...
5. going to college
6. getting my license
7. Walking up my street tomorrow
8. Buying my first house
9. Helping others

[8 things i wear daily]
1. mosturizer
2. a rubberband
3. my promise ring
4. two earings
5. bra, bouncy boobies!!
6. clear nail polish on the delicate toes
7. a smile
8. some form of footwear

[7 things that annoy you]
1. People who don't use their indicaters on the road
2. having to make all the decesions
3. being bi-sexual...sometimes...
4. excessive homework
5. being stressed
6. people who rely on music to show who they are
7. my mum when shes grumpy

[6 things you touch everday]
1. Will
2. Overcomming the ob-stacles
3. my hands...I'm dead sexy doncha know
4. sunlight...hideous sunlight
5. "god"
6. my thinking

[5 things you do everyday]
1. contemplate the meaning of it all
2. walk
3. think about where I'm going to college...long listcha know
4. watch the horrid T.V
5. Wonder how long till the weekend or how horrible it is that its almost over

[4 people you want to spend more time with]
My family and friends

[3 movies you'd watch over and over again]
1. The Graduate - Dustin Hoffman...he's groovy
2. American Beauty
3. Romancing the Stone

[2 bands you've seen live]
1. Everclear
2. No Doubt



My list of pending colleges:

University of Puget Sound
University of California: Davis/Berkley/Santa Barbra/Santa Cruiz
Northern Arizona University
Evergreen University
Hawaii Pacific University
Reed College
Ashaland University

I went for a walk with my dog today.
It was a good day..

Anywho, its another day and another time to begin again.

I have to catch the autobus at 12 to the YMCA...and then catch the bus to rifle practice. And then go to the gym. I missed yesterday and we must not get off schedule.

Last night I was watching OPrah...they were talking about stress so I thought I could get some tips...the trouble is, that all the tips they gave to reduce stress I already do!

Every little stress I have is related to my "master plan" I need good grades to help assist in getting my p.h.d in psychology, I need to do "drivers ed" to get my license...I need to read at least 4 books by the begginning of school to make writing the quarterly 5 page litterary analysis to reduce stress throughout the year from AP English or I might be blessed with a spazz attack...I need to keep active to keep happy...and healthy...I need to hide from the sun cause I am already going to get skin cancer...I have to take care of my daddy because he's family and I love him much...and I need to shave because I feel all creepy working out with hairy legs.

*sigh* at leat I don't shave my legs to snag the guys...

Blah! I dislike the whole look at me look at me I'm hott thing.

Things I'd like to change about my body:
1) I want brown hair again
2) I want to be miss buff chick again

Things I'd like to keep while changing my body:
1) My breast-a-ses...
2) My gluts
3) My cute feet and belly button!!!

Also, I want sex.
I'd masturbate but its useless.
Any girls or boys up in hawaii?

Just joking...I am in love and wouldn't ruin it for my lust.
Lust is just a state of mind...love is a way of life.

Date:	2002-07-31 15:44
Subject:	"So much for the Afterglow"
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry
Music:	Marilyn Manson - Suicide is Painless

I feel too old to be this young.
Sometimes the little fragments float around and remind me...
I am still sick.
I could be better now, but I refuse to let myself live freely.
I cage myself and refuse cages others put on me.
When I use to be a preformer, I never understood why people were so intellegent.
I never understood why words were made so big to mean such simple things.


I will regress now...

L iving under my own authority
I ndecisive about my meaning
N urturing the broken
D evouring the pain that others radiate
S aving pictures from people I use to call my "life"
A ruging that all people are important
Y earning to be free



Freedom will never come.
We are not free americans.


I am a woman, I am not some hole you can fuck and some body you can cum on.
I need the romance...
I feel that sex is what holds me back.
I want it but when I get it, I can't enjoy it.
I feel broken when it comes to sex.
I hurt him because I can't be easier.

I crave the friction and the way he is on top of me so I can nibble his chest to keep from making noise.
The privacy of my room is constantly being disruppted and most times its when I'm engaging in unvirgin-like conduct.

Being in love...
is like reading your favorite book on a rainy day.
Sometimes I forget and loose my temper.
Sometimes I forget to be mature.

I want to be giddy and I want to cuddle in the hamock out back and look at the stars through the trees.


I am so small to live in a world so big.
I don't play the victi-tum-ti, I play the author....


"Money is the root of all that kills"
Capitalism is the cause...I just want to survive.

"Suicide is painless" - but totally unworth it.

If I could trade my pain and burdeoning thoughts for death I wouldnt.


you all suck.

As I read, broken heartedly,
the morning in another land breaks,
a kiss is being kissed,
and perhaps happiness will be behind it.
As I read broken heartedly,
I question the meaning of love and wonder about its science.
I wonder who am I to be in love?
I wonder if I am in love.

As I read, broken heartedly,
I realize two things,
I kill everyday and that I am killed often.
I hold myself together with nylon string.
Why do I stay?
Why don't I learn?
Am I deserving of punishment?
i hate.
i dislike.




fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

mother fucking ass

there is so much pain in the world, I wish I could make a big enough band-aid to heal it all. I am too small. I am too young. I am undesirable.

sometimes the beauty overwhelms me and sometimes the ugliness kills me. I feel almost connected and disassociated with life. This is my burdeon and my gift.

why can't we just stay ignorant...why must we need enlightenment. This enlightenment brings saddness.

Spare some change to help the fellow man.

Date:	2002-07-26 07:15
Subject:	Cookies and Paper clips
Security:	Public
Mood:	dirty

It is the last day of summer school...but I still have drivers ed...and I start air riflery next week! *o*

Notes notes notes...I did a report on Abbie Hoffman, did you know that the FBI had a 68,000 page file on him, all of which you can read online...except some they stashed in a "private room"

I don't trust America. It is a different place to me, it has a different meaning. I look at the fourth of July as a disgusting time. The captiolism on this day and many other days is unbelievable and hurtful that some can exist in such naivity to buy a shirt worth 10 bucks for 25 because it carries the American flag. I think the reason I was so much less affected by the "9-11" terrorist attacks was because the commercial industries response to make little american flags and make them worth a pretty penny. Everyone asks why this happened and its actually all very simple. We're a young country and we were bound to be terrorised eventually. The other part I don't like is how we respond with violence which doesn't solve anything. We're such elitest snobs here in america. Some middle class morons don't even care or think what its like to be dirt poor. There's a boy in my class who called homeless people lazy, and I think he's just a fat head. He reads too many books to be undereducated...


Life is sucky in America, but great at the same time. I live here with guilt.

Date:	2002-07-23 06:52
Subject:	Do you hate her, cause shes pieces of you
Security:	Public
Mood:	giggly

Today should be a good day. I'm not feeling too good but who cares! I got the "cutest" pants at Macy's at the the Zooper Sale. My car is running great now! We're going to put new tires on Lola soon and after that, maybe convince someone to buy me a strereo system!!

Summer school is ending this week and I'm extatic!! It's been so hard doing three classes at once, no matter how good you are at doing homework it's still hard. I have a test today and a paper due Friday, along with 4 tests for ALG2!!!

I'm a little pessimistic about the new school year, but I'm sure it will go accordingly. I'm trying to reclear up my skin....I have 4 pimples! AGH!

Happiness- dad is signing me back up for the gym today...it's not motivating for me to run around the lake or anything on the count that I hate running!!! It hurts my chest and my arches. Last night while I was falling to sleep I was fantacizing about which machines I was going to do first and which pants I was going to wear...


Yay!

Date:	2002-07-21 10:38
Subject:	All my troubles seem so far away.
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

I am disappointed in people. I am disapointed to be an American. I hate that I am an American. This so called patriotism is more like capitolism. Everywhere you look theres American flags...flags that werent manufactured here but in some different "weaker" country. It's horrible how "untouchable" americans think they are, and how mortified they get when we experience terrorism. It was bound to happen...were a young country and if people really think we'd never experience it they were wrong. We are horrible people with a corrupt government and a corrupt society, and all the little drones keep abiding by the figure heads we've elected and the political monopolies they hold over our heads. we attack people in other countries over and over again making the most foolish mistakes...

I associate myself with foolish mistakes.

I am disappointed in a lot of people for being naive...I am disapointed in some people for being ignorant...and I am happy because I live in my bubble.


I have decided that I am not going to be a moron anymore. I don't want to be single. Out there in the world are slim pickings...and I already got the best anyways. Being single is horrible. I like sex and I'm not about to risk myself on somebody I just met. I enjoy being safe and am proud of the months I have. I am smarter than most realize. I quit being a moron. I have a huge future and I will not screw it up anymore by doing drugs and drinking. I have nothing really to be so "unhappy" about as to do drugs. I have a great life. I have a great fiance...I have a future. Why spoil it?


Things with Will are going better. In september were half way to the second year. And closer to the day we will be living together. He's romantic and intellegent. He's good in bed too, and I don't feel like an object! We went ice-capating. That was totally romantic...

We worked on my car and its only a matter of weeks before I have my license. Then I can drive to school!

I never said what classes I'm taking:

AP CHEM
AP ENGLISH
T.A GEOMETRY
PRE-CALC
PSYCH/SOCI
SPANISH 2

Haha!! I'm smarter than a lot of people thought. I showed the world that I'm not a moron and that I am better than some thought, I don't need crutches, nor pitty, nor help with realizing my dreams, they realize me. This whole highschool thing is just the beginning when I graduate the horrible past will no longer be a thing. I will deal with the future without being constantly reminded of my mistakes.

If I could redo everything...I wouldn't make so many bad choices and would have respected my body more than I did, and probably wouldn't have pumped my body with so many harmful things. At least I'm not dead.

I can't wait to go to college. I'll have new friends to replace the ones who don't care and then some of my old friends might still be here...who knows I'm going to change into a butterfly someday and show all the people who think I'm nothing and take me for granted that they shouldnt have...

http://www.indegayforum.org/articles/varnell25.html

Date:	2002-07-06 21:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable

"If I could tell the world just one thing it would be, that we're all okay. And not to worry cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these, I won't be made useless..."

I've figured out my senior quote it is
"We kill to save the Unicorn." Which is the usual nonsensical babble I spout off everyday....but it is actually a metaphore...its a changeable metaphore...To me it means that humans justify the death of others in the name of the mythical, in the name of God. People view me as a "disbeliever" but I would never want to believe in anything that anyone believes is a reason to kill others. "Life is too short to spend it on destruction". I am being profoundly moved each day, I'm feeling more and more liberated by studying the 60's. Once I thought one person is one person...I can not change the world...but I can...people can.

I wish I went to Woodstock...I wish I lived in a commune...I wish I was in protests about civil rights...I wish I could be better educated about so many issues so that I could better stick my points...I wish to be free.

It's crazy the kind of constraints that exist when you don't know. I feel there are always going to be constraints as long as you let your mind live without them. I have been not living a life I would normally see myself living for about a year now...I think I openly recommend it to anyone to put themselves for a long time outside a comfort zone...I have lived a year without following my patterns of mourning for no reason in music, drinking for no real reason other than being wasted, and doing things for a reason that I can't quite understand, and this past year living this remarkable life has changed me forever.

I am sad when I see that I am growing away from some of my old friends. I am always in love with the past. I always mourn its passing...I like mourning.

I enjoy sadness, I think I'm addicted to reading entries about anorexia and s.m.

I started being naughty for a whole week...I became a calorie counter and hated myself and never ate more than 600 calories...but fourth of July happened and I cried myself to sleep after binging and then realized that it was worthless...that not eating didn't make anything feel better. I must admit that I missed the empty feelings in my stomach after not eating for awhile...but I also must admit I felt crazy with food and dangerous and daring...

I realize it was stupid, and I accept it and move on.

Date:	2002-07-03 13:37
Subject:	Things I look foward to:
Security:	Public
Mood:	giddy
Music:	Dynamite Hack - Boyz in da Hood

I look foward to driving my car to the first day of school my senior year
I look foward to turning 17
I look foward to seeing my senior status on my class schedule
I look foward to taking the classes I picked out: AP Chem, PreCal, AP English, Spanish 2, Sociology/Psychology, and hopefully yearbook...I would be totally siked if I got into yearbook.
I look foward to going to college
and I look foward to telling Will that he was born on National Gay Pride Day.

I've been having body image issues again. Sometimes it gets so hard to look at myself in the mirror. I always pinch and pull at my skin trying to make it look the way I want. It gets so difficult sometimes...it makes me wish I never told anyone my seek-rets...although Im sure I'd be dead by now. I wonder what it feels like again, to be beautiful. I wonder what it feels like to be able to feel wonderful. I know I felt that way before, I just don't remember how to feel that way again.

Sometimes the beauty of sadness makes me fall in love with it and want to taste its essence, sometimes the imagery of thin girls eating like birds hidden in their showers crying moves me. I just wish I could idolize like a normal person and not idolize those with all this pain. I wish that I could just stop looking at life as a rubex cube...and I wish that I was not naive.

I wish that I could stop thinking of my past in such high adoration and wonder why I ever gave up being me...was it really that bad? I always mourn for the things that pass hating it when its here so much that walls melt. Sometimes I still see myself as that scared little girl...in a body too big but too weak...I loathe myself and wish that I could forget who I was. I wish I could disassociate myself with the world.

I am alone. I have no one to come calling because I am swept up in a life I think is mine. I blame myself for my stupidity and also for my intelligence...I however wish I was an intelligencia, I think I just like to pretend I am.

Studying the 60's gives me more reason to hate myself...because I am white, and because I'm middle class...I hate myself for being everything that oppressed anyone.

It was hard when everyone I knew was suicidal. Its hard now that I feel everyone is comming down with the thin disease. I feel responsible. I am the one who infected my friends. I am the disease...I am the murderer...and the murdered. Everything I loved is dying...and everyone once close is far.

"How quaint is this life we live. How quaint and utterly stupid."

"Tune in, turn on, and drop out"

Since I have spilt water into my keyboard...I've had the best life ever! Will has been around day and night and beside me in the mornings so it's all good.

I also found my dream car which is a 83 Monte Carlo SS, bluegray baby! I named her Lola.

My name is: Lindzy
I may seem: intelligent
But I'm really: trying so very hard to rewrite the life I use to live so I can become better.
People who know me think: I'm hillarious and adorable, and entertaining.
If you knew me you'd probably: wonder where my sanity went.
Sometimes I feel: like being complimented.
My days are pretty: long and routine...
Yesterday: I had the time of my life with 5 bucks and a wonderful man by my side.
In the morning I: think of what I should do...and then not do them
I like to sleep: when I get home from school after I fry my brain away
If I could be doing anything right now I would be: losing weight.
Money is: the root of all that kills, they have never been poor they have never had the joy of a wellfare christmas..
One thing I don't have that I wish I did is: A healthy father.
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: an unhealthy addiction to FOOD.
All you need is: a swift kick in the ass in the right direction
All I need is: tiramasu, a good rainy day, will, and his wonderful blankie.
If I had one wish it would be: to make all the bad things go away.
When I look in the mirror I see: An unfit tummy, biggish breasts, and a beautiful face.
Love is: a deadly sin....yet so heavenly. I love it.
My body: is a barrier between life and the insides of me.
If an angel flew into my window at night I would: ask to borrow its wings.
If a demon crashed into my window I would: I'd ask him what he thought of Will's painting
If I could see one person right now it would be: Maile so I can hug her and tell her "every little thing is going to be alright"
Something I want but I don't really need is: to get accepted into Boston University.
Something I need but I don't really want is: a body, id like to be formless
I live for: tomorrow, because I belive that things happen at their leasure.
I dare you all to: not listen to what others tell you and listen to yourself.
I am afraid of: being murder when I'm asleep.
It makes me angry when: I can't help someone or someone can't help themselves.
I dream about: Excentric things.
I daydream about: My future.

Date:	2002-06-08 13:52
Subject:	SOMETHING LIKE LIFE
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved

Well soon I'll be going to Waikiki to my friends party and Will will be going to watch Mike Tyson delimb someone else on TV. I took my ACT today, it sucked. I think I'll stick to the SAT's...at least it's intresting. I might start drivers education Monday...and the following Monday after that, I will be starting Algebra 2 and America in the 60's. My birthday is in 2 months and 6 days. I'll be 17, maybe my daddy is selling his car and getting me one so I can drive myself around. I watched Harold and Maude yesterday and parts of it today, how kookie is that! Anyways...I went to graduation and cried my nickers off...internally...and contemplated my Valedictorian Speech. Micheal Tom was Valedictorian, Holly Kim and Mitchel Conditt were Salutatorians...and AJ Taaca won an award. His speech pissed me off. Micheal's was hillarious. Life or something like it is happening and I still maintain my seat at the side....in a way. I live a happy premarried life. lol. Being in love is wonderful. Especially with Will.

That's just totally awesome. Mr. V said that I am and so did other people!

Anyways I'm taking Alg 2 and Social Studies this summer school. Which is awesome so that I can be in Calculus in college.

Next year I'm running for President and May Day Queen.

Yay

please excuse the last entry if it was out of line.