[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Gen's LiveJournal:
| Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 | |
| 12:31 pm | Blah.. I trained to hard last night... a well. Went to get my scaner.. that why the new pictures :) I know im not very good in drawing.. but hehe, thing got better whit aron, we talked thing out... I Also talked whit my mother... she invited us dinner for my BD.. ok late... but at least i had money to get my scaner I worked on my online comic and my website is in bigupdate now  Current Mood:  drainedCurrent Music: Vanessa Mae |
| Wednesday, February 20th, 2002 | |
| 12:24 pm | This is not good...at all I had the worst feeling just 2 minute ago... Aron came back for lunch, i was looking for job information, and I left the computer to be whit him... We had a long talk last night... we both need to work thing or we both know the couple will break.. anywya, i agreed on many point, im a sucky girlfriend and im trying to change that.. now im looking more seriously for job... so money wont be a trouble anymore.. I'll pay my rent part.. as for the school, I'll do it in the mean time, will take longer but at least... Anyway.. we talked again during his lunch break... Usualy when he is going back to work we hug and kiss... but when I was going to he backed off, avoiding it.. and usualy the morning he always give mne a peck before going to work... this morning I couldnt sleep I was half asleep half up..eye closed anyway... he didint.... He didint whisper I love you in my ear like he do sometime.. and he is cold.. he didint hug me while sleeping.... *whipe a tear* come on gen...get a hold on your self... I know I shouldnt cry for male their not worth my tears... I know I shouldnt cry anymore but that Oviously a sign.. Im no rookie in relationship and I know what THAT mean... mean he dont love me as he used to... I knew it... I need to talk to someone before doing anything stupid tonight.. I hope Ross is aveliable.. he's the only one IRl that actualy wake me up Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: Shakira whenever whereever... (im mazo now im sure) |
| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002 | |
| 10:54 pm | I got twitch on my shoulder now... twitch is my rat... for those who care. Aron is sleeping now.. im going to sleep soon as well... The good thing is that Im not pregnant, have no cancer or anything down there... simply very iregular... good/bad new, I have my preiod... good, yea im sure im not pregger... bad...well. you girl know what I mean by bad Im lisening the the song over and over again..along whit some other that make me think of Jan... call me mazo i dont mind. I guess feeling just cant change like that... Good.. I lost weight... I started to train... quited for a while but returning tomorow. now that we realized our friend went at the same gym as us... as long as they dont tease me because im weak.. im all fine.. i know aron will take their head anyway. Bad Aron's mom is being a bitch whit him, so im there to cheer him up. Bad I cant find job. I'llstill look..as for school well im waiting to have more money..get longdistance book at first. Good... i re-started having a sorta social life (if we can call juish french guy social (never play monopoly whit juish, your dead meat (he said it not me) roleplaying... and imnot Gamemastering this time... Good... I had a shit load of commision... and i charge for the next one, getting a scaner soon so you guy,s can see my awful art My cousin says in life you meet two type, the man of your life, and the man of your dream.. its almost never the same... i'll give that a though.. What to do.. on one hand I have a stable relation whit a guy that I DO love... and that I want to spend my life whit... On the other... the man I always dreamed of... that is not that inaccecible..that i never met and im not sure if he would be realy da guy... I guess I'll see that when we meet eachother Jan... Current Mood:  weirdCurrent Music: some muse |
| 9:20 pm | I know..... Is it real, Is it a dream I know I cant deny the feeling deep inside me It burn when I think of it. I know I made a choice.. But was it the good one. The feeling are there, but where am I... What are those feeling that lies deep inside me. That burn my heart and Soul Why is it that I am smiling right now Why is it that I am crying right now I made the choice... I did I know im going to get hurt in both I made the choice. Still... Pain, happyness and unsecurity Mixed togeder... Why is it that I cant stop thinking about him... Dreaming about him Now i hear a song... When I though everything was over When I though I made the good choice But... Did I made the choice.... Current Mood:  uncomfortableCurrent Music: Whenever whereever Shakira |
| Tuesday, February 12th, 2002 | |
| 9:13 pm | sigh life sux...I mean.. it does realy... my father jump back again... bah like nothing apen... how ...Yewwman of him... I've felt the hate rise up in me... Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves... I wander over where you can't see... Inside my shell, I wait and bleed... Goodbye! I wipe it off on tile, the light is brighter this time Everything is 3D blasphemy My eyes are red and gold, the hair is standing straight up This is not the way I pictured me I can't control my shakes How the hell did I get here? Something about this, so very wrong... I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn't like this Is it a dream or a memory? I've felt the hate rise up in me... Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves... I wander over where you can't see... Inside my shell, I wait and bleed... Get outta my head cuz I don't need this Why I didn't I see this? I'm a victim - Manchurian candidate I have sinned by just Makin' my mind up and takin' your breath away I've felt the hate rise up in me... Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves... I wander over where you can't see... Inside my shell, I wait and bleed... Goodbye! You haven't learned a thing I haven't changed a thing My flesh was in my bones The pain was always free I've felt the hate rise up in me... Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves... I wander out where you can't see... Inside my shell, I wait and bleed... And it waits for you! Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: Slipknot Spit it out/Wait and Bleed |
| Saturday, February 9th, 2002 | |
| 10:42 am | remember your parent... that what the BlackFuries "Litany" says..... They say that not all male are evil... and that you should respect your parent, incluing father.... Bullshit... My father is a wyrm tainted shadowlord Kinfolk.... not even tainted... he is a wyrm folower..... true... what kind of father would ignore his own dauthter, trick her for the rest of the family like him, hurt his own blood ((sometime i wish i was adopted)..only Atropos.... We all know Wyrm is a male.... if that thing have a sex that is... and wyrm drove man crazy by jalousy of not being able to create.. so He turned their anger on woman "weakness" I heard today that a man killed his wife and 2 daughter then ran away... I've rarely heard of the oposite.. well.. yea I did heard one or two... that always hard to admit. but yea some woman are evil... most of them are turned crazy by pression of male.. i see my self as a evil feministe who wouldnt hesitate one second to castrate a rapist, murderer, snuf lover... wyrm tainted or not... not only I would chop it off... but I'll have a pleasure of torturing him... slowly and painfuly, aking his inside out... When you think of it,my father (well the guy who give my mother (theone who was as fat as a wale for around 5 month) his semence) cheated on my mom.. and probaly on the whore... hehe not that that make me sorry.. beated me, abandoned me, now play whit my feeling (worst thing is that its starting to rework again...piss off) sometime I wish they were both dead... and... maybe one they that will apen.. an accident is so soon arived ((and dont ask why am I lisening to that in my curent mood... i have NO idea.. its just in my winamp list) Current Mood:  enragedCurrent Music: ((dont ask ::soul bosa nova : austin power theme)) |
| Wednesday, February 6th, 2002 | |
| 9:21 pm | fuck every one, fuck everything i my you, i hate everything I hate my self the most.... Shity life.... always mean... bah now im alone whooo hooo, i mean i have aron, but its been a fucking long time since i heard About Avat and Horus, bah, they probaly forgot that I even existed...so much for childrood friend... a well... My father didint take any contact whit me, he can screw him self this time... the whore can keep him... My mom...well, she's still the same hypocrical biatch... One of my eye is bleeding!! im serious guy,s i have pink eye! (mostly now red eye hehehe) Aron awnt me to see a doc.... maybe..when my eye fall off.. I even have an ear infection on the top.. wow, waht a month. BUt I think what I hate most is that now I KNOW Im alone... i mean jon have Auz... I try to slow the web a little, so I dont have time to see Jan. I cryed a lot 2 night ago.. was talking whit James.. duno why, i just felt like crying.. its sux...i mean all my life i awnted to be allright when i was alone, to even like it.... but im realizing I dont ... im like all those human outthere who need to be whit other... Man its sux... no friend, no family... all i have is aron, twich and those pink eye... now its not tear... its pus... i realy should see a doc.. but I hate them... so I'll just deal whit it.. Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: Carmina Burana - o fortuna |
| Saturday, February 2nd, 2002 | |
| 11:54 am | *shake head* I did good not to trust my father to much again... He told me a while ago he threw his wife out..thing that he ddint, he said he'll try talk thing out.. from what I know..she's going to manipulate him again, against me.. bah.. i guess I'll just not trust him again... I dont belive i even started to have the slight compation for him..yuk.. I dont belive my self to be angry to the point of not wanting to see him again because of his fucking bitch.. She's manipulating him , using him for her own good, making pay money for HER Son's mistake, her son have drugs dept and he steal money from my father ((he rented games, then sold them, but the game where on my dad's name) he said he's gona take time for him now, that good... he also said he will try to take the time we lost by his...and her fault.. *cough* bullshit.. the worst part is that I even started to belive him... again that droped my faith in humanity.... a lot.. bah.. I just hope i'll not be the only one to pick up the pieces again.. I always been alone in all problem... but now I know I couldnt stand more problem alone... You know what sux.. each time im getting even a tiny twiny bit better... something bitch apen.. this time the bitch is called monick... I just hope a tractor will fall down her ugly face.. that should make her prettyer im sure.. she,s the type of putting 3 tone of make up to hide sumthing that is already ugly... that just make her a monster... yuk... and she's fat (fatter than me heheheh)) bah, i guess my dad like big woman... ((as some male say: pick your fold and fuck it)) And no Steph, patting the bunny will not do naything to calm me down right now ((if u guy's watch undergrads,u'll get what I mean)) Bah... Im going to the gym today..aron say its not good. but i need to blow steam a little... # you can be dead since 1000 years, you just begin to be dead ((someone said that in darkAngel and i though it sounded cool))## Current Mood: angryCurrent Music: Tai chi master (chinese music =/ |
| Wednesday, January 30th, 2002 | |
| 1:44 am | me and my luck in love I knew i should have forget about male long ago... Today was one of the rare day me and aron didint actulay had a argument bout useless stuff... been like a week that we each day had a small fight.. not good... I asked him if he was going out whit me for me, or just for the fact he think he cant have another GF... usualy he would have said for me... no? maybe im wrong.. whatever, but he said he didint know.. what THAT suposed to mean... I have no idea what to do now.. stay whit him,knowing now for sure his love is lower than usual.. i dont blame him... who could love me.. bah. Maybe he is just staying whit me for sex... bah, wouldnt blame him... i know plenty of guy who would want to have me in their bed for some reason... He said he didint mind me going whit girls... strange.... to strange, he say he dont mind since he cant give me what a girl can. the worst in this.. is that for once im trying to get a normal relation.. i mean, I do Effort for gaia's sake... i kick my lazy ugly fat ass to work thing out whit him.. for Squat! he's still the same grumpy grinchy male... still... i love him, im grumpy, grinchy... even worst... im a paranoid and butt ugly red haired Dyke! yea.. im a dyke,so what... well.. im not that a dyke since im whit aron nhe? whatever.. i like seeing my self as a manhater castrating machine dyke! I ..saw my father, i mean, a real father/daughter meeting this time.. we went at the Lien (viet restorant... mm yummy) was sooo strange.. not desagreable... i know he's trying to change thing whit him self and whit me... i just hope he dosnt try to fool me again... but he does seem serious, anyway, he went here, talked whit me and aron, everything seemed purrfect... to perfect maybe.. anyway, im willng to give it a try.. he does seem ready to help me whit school and work... strange, my mom in all the time i was whit her didint help me as much as he is trying to help me right now...:/ My mom... what a pain in the ass she is... even by existing she pisses me off! one day.. You'll see.. or I'll end up dead, or my dream will come true, I'll be happy... and my mom will have done squat about it.. I'll stand and laugh at her like she's doing at me right now, im going to forget about her... yea that is... she said she wanted to help me whit school, but all she wanted was to look good whit her side of the family, that fricking egoist, work-a-olick, self centred, selfish, fat, jealous (that im not as fat as she is (thanks gaia), pre-menoposed, chauvenist, miss im the boss, sex frustrated, nympho whore! im sure her quote would be " Im a woman, hear me whore!" Bah... now my bigest prob is not that fricking egoist ......... nympho whatever its me and aron... i need to get that problem solve.. now my first prioroty is to find my self a job.. maybe an appart... I'll see... Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: Vanessa Mae CD |
| Wednesday, January 16th, 2002 | |
| 11:18 pm | I tried to kill my self a while ago.... My friend saved me just in time... wierd ... bah, i always ending up missing my shot anyway.. I had some test.. still have more to do tomorow... bah I was able to convince the psy to letme out.. since i live right beside the hospital and if I dont show up, they come and get me... still better than staying there... Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: Vanessae Mae- Storm |
| Saturday, January 12th, 2002 | |
| 3:01 pm | *feel like shit* Man... i forgot his Birthday!... well i dont think I even known it.. but its still make me angry... IM sooo sorry jan! Current Mood: shity |
| Wednesday, January 9th, 2002 | |
| 1:44 pm | Tarot card.... my futur will be hard, as expected... had the damn lover card again...dont u just hate this fucking card. My Kbord fell down and my space dont work good. waiting shit for school LOL, tarot card said to folow my dream and intuition.. to lisent less to my brain... for once im going to try that. I even told my feeling toward jan to my BF...well.. im still unsure about those feeling, so i told him exatly that...I made my choice, and i chosed Aron... But... I do know the final wound will be in september when i will see him..its surpsring the way my BF reacted.. of course, he wasnt smiling bout it... but he said it was ok, that we will stay togeder... I dont want to leave him... not for any reason.. not even for jan.. i think im realy in love whit this guy (aron i mean).. here I go,thinking again... and that scare me.. to be n love like that.. Aron said he wanted to help me for school.. but its not hisjob... i should workand go to school... but that will mostly kill me..think what u awnt, i know im not a workaoliclike my mom. I'll see how thing turn out Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: LoTR |
| Monday, January 7th, 2002 | |
| 1:45 am | Im Losing it Im losing it... Im so lost now... I even wonder why I am born sometime... not that I want to kill my self.. that's ok for now... So many thing in my mind, so many thing in my life... my best friend feel like shit these day.... and i cant do Squat about it... I wish I could talk about it to Aron.. but That only make him jalous, whit reason... Its 15 to 2 am... Im sleepy... but canot sleep.. to many thing to think of... Im calling for school tomorow... As well as my Genicologist... its abnormal... test still say im not pregger... but then again... 3 month late is not normal... Im getting woried about Jan... His last post where depressive.. I wish I could be whit him right now... to try to at least cheer him up... So that he know he is not alone... but there is just a little thing called the ocean between us... I feel awful... All of this because of the feeling I had for him... Feeling that have changed indeed... For te better of me... for the worst of him... I mean... if only i woulnt have met Aron... Everything is so unclear... School, my feeling, my period, my father coming back, strange dream coming back after me like they did long ago... my grand mother warned me about those dream that would apear when I will turn 20... I will be 20 in 2 month... Strange dream...Dream that I wanted to forget... I wish I never had those dream... I wish my grand mother wasnt a Wiccan... I wish I wasnt seeing thing, hearing voice.. feeling Peewee beside me.. I wish I could just be normal... To many thing.... So little time... My game... one of the few project I am actualy working (or trying to anyway) on... Going to fast... School... what If I fail.. I cant... I canot aford to fail again... no time, no money... My web desing Studio... Idea i had... might work, probaly wont... I'll make everything so it work.. Job... Work... money... Cant find a job because no school, cant go to school because of pride, because of fear.. fear of getting hurt again... fear of losing those I care... Aron... he's the first BoyFriend I realy trust.... yet... I am afraid... afraid of trusting him... Did man realy wounded my soul so much... so much that I canot trust again... Jan... the first of my age i trusted... the one I trust most... he need me.... why is life always hurt those who are the best... why does it hurt the same person and let the other happy... I wish I was stupid... but I am not.. I am not stupid.... Stupid people are happy.... they dont understand the feeling of being unhappy... Jan is crying... I cant help... Damn it all... I wish i could do something. Renaud say im worrying to much about to many people... not true.. i worry about those I love and care.. Jon, Jan, Aron.... Jon.. he is happy, he have a nice girlfriend.. very nice girl.. She's good for him... Aron... Never felt this way for a guy... I love him.. yea.. even if he is grumpy and have some trouble whit society. im like that as well... Jan... that the only one i worry now... Dream... should I lisent to my grand mother will and do this wiccan stuff.. maybe the dream will stop... crazy... I am probaly turning crazy, seeing gost in dream or in daylight.. didint even tell Aron about it... I know he wont laugh.. i just... My grand father is suposed to give me something special for my 20th Bday my grand mother talk to me in my dream... i loved my grand mother... she was wize.. even if the other didint lisent to her, she knew thing that the other did not.. she saw thing that the other did not... Maybe im just turning crazy... Maybe that it Current Mood: uncomfortableCurrent Music: lotsa smooth song |
| Monday, December 24th, 2001 | |
| 6:22 pm | flidididlo ok... well I quited my job ..how surprising... doc say im not preg.. BUT she also said that i will be sure when i will have my period (like I needed to wait 30 minute for that) So that it HAppy Xmas Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: Lord of the Rings OST |
| Friday, December 21st, 2001 | |
| 9:16 am | *grumble* I got to get to work soon... and I dont want to... toke test yesterday, one say I am, the other say im not, I,Ll see my doc after my job.. maybe she can tell me, I know she will lket me pas before all the other hehe Current Mood: nervousCurrent Music: Main title Star wars + the arival at naboo |
| Thursday, December 20th, 2001 | |
| 5:03 pm | zombie look* gosh I hate my job still no blood. will take 2 other test to be sure today. but hey, what bad can hapend... I'll probaly keep it... or get aborded again... big deal I know.. both case im screwed.. but a part of me is winning, the part of being a woman.. I will probaly keep the child... I dont know... like. im young, I want to be free while I can.. and it wont be a a child who will make me free... totaly oposite... I work like a slave... for a slave pay.. but I might get a better job soon... or get to school. im still thinking, if im preg.. school while the baby is not born... if im not, work, whit shcool, that should do it. then... if im preg and I dont keep the baby... my mother told me she would help me to pay the abortion.. gosh i hate that... not the fact that my mom is ok whit me for a rare time in her life.. our relation is getting better... but the fact of getting aborded again... yuk... i feel like a killer... but... sometime i need to think of the futur... will the child will be happy whit me.. I dont think so.. at all. actualy i think it might be a bad idea... who would want a mom like me.... well.. i would like to have a mom like me... but then again im a freak so that donsnt count at all... freak life.... LOL I just realized i dont even look at my Kbord anymore for typing.. that good.. i guess, knowing that all place want that these day.. *shrug* Anywya... what will apend if i keep... I know Aron will be happy.. but I dont think I will... then again.. a child change people.. will surely change me... but... I would prefer to wait... if not 3 year...wait until im ready... i think in a couple of year, when i have enough confidence, when I have my highschool finished, and who know, maybe a DEC. or a AEP in web desining like im thinking of getting right now... Life for now, its not a total mess.. just not realy nice whit me... i guess I cant complain to much.. I have a very nice Boyfriend.. that I love... a bunch of great friend I can count on.. even if they live far from me. i know they are close to me in my heart... i guess that enough.. Jan.. at first Aron was a little jalous of him.. I guess I cant blame him... gosh i loved this guy... I still love him.. just diferent now... I KNOW I will never be able to hate him, even if I wanted to... he never backstabed me, never did bullshit over me, and im sure never talked in my back,.. ppl there dont even know me and the one who does know me, I dont think that they actulay hate me.. Serge dosnt.. im sure... Jan (the other one) talk to me once in a while... as for Thomas.. man its been a lifetime since i heard from him... Jan still said he would come over in september.. of course he is welcome.. and if i have the baby...well he will just have the chance of seeing the worst little bastard that gaia never created (yea, im sure my kid will turn out a geek.. whit both parent roleplayer... LOL his bed time story will probaly end up being Lord of the Rings or DragonLances LOL) The strangest thing,... is that I have just read his comment... well a little late since I didint have time or though of readin journal of ppl.... that he think he have lost all chance.. errrr. well... i guess.. i dont even know... fate will decide I guess... I love aron.. so much... ok, we have some 'diférent" some time to time.. but all couple does, usualy its ending up quick.. or after my rage is all clear... i often tend to keep my trouble to my self... to thsoe I love i mean... to crul up in a sivler spiked ball... even whit Aron... i trust him... yea.. i guess i do... but... he is still a male.. a human.. who can hurt me , both by wanting it, or by accident.. so I snap him... for protecting my self... I dont think Jan realy love me... I know he still feel something for Petra.. like, i dont blame him... and im not very confortable whit the idea... I guess that was one of the point who changed my love for a strong feeling of friendship... that and I never met him.... I still think of moving away from MTL thouh.... but now... I will porobaly have a child to think... an Aron... i know i shoult stop my self of living my life or dream for a male.. but it is dificult... And YES belgium is still in my mind... or somewhere in europe.. horse busines is good there... I'll see I even just realized that my english is getting better as well... man... change.. to much change.. weaver is after me.. at the same time as Wyld LOL... hey, I even talked to James these day.. kinda cool.. I realized that I realy like the guy... as a friend that is... I invited him to a party I am making for new year.. the part that is the funniest in the bunch... Someone came back in my life.. someone I dont know if I want him to come back.. my father... yea.. not the one who actualy raised me.. but the one who sired me... freak... when to think of it.. it toke a while to see it.. but i had no real father.. excep mario... but he came late in my teenager worst period that i hated everything.. ESPECIALY him for stealing my house, my workshop, my mom my privaty.. blah I could go on hours whit that... well... now its ok.. i guess. Its all started whit my cousin I think We chated about the Xmas party for the family... like it would sux as usual and we both will be stuck in this wyrm corupted family of macho and jackass... anyywa... she told me the party was at her father place... one more reason for me NOT to be invited (thing that I was.. i need to know what time it is if im actulay going) My aunt called me... was it my aunt first or my grand ma.. whatever.. a YEA! was my grandma... anyway, she called me to know how I was.. but thingy was that my father was there as well (dun dun DUUUUN, conspiration) and wanted to talk to me.. errr what the fuck does HE want ... we talked.. for a while.. my BF was almost taking the floor... he was angry.. well he hate my father for what he did... and is kinda protective of me (I wonder If I complain... I think not.. made me smile anyway) so anyway.. 2 day after my uncle call me to know if I come at the Xmas party.. i said I would think of it..thing that I will... I wont go there if my cousins are not... and im wondering if I should bring my BF along.. well they are a macho family and have the hintch of making me feel bad about them.. anywya... might probaly take him since i HATE going there alone... I never know what my uncle will do... or what my father will do as well.. yea my uncle is a psycho... something apend.. whatever... cant tell... still freak me up.. I'll think.. if i go or not I need to get off... I want to clean the kitchen... would be cool.. well boring.. but kind.. Arca Current Mood: weirdCurrent Music: Duel of fate |
| Saturday, December 8th, 2001 | |
| 11:43 pm | Xmas = shit Yep, ok, whatever im still late (you guys are going to think im a bitch or something, whatever) like, i toke a test (ya know those 99"9 period % good) said i wasnt... still.. toke it last week still NO blood.. Imagine the gift, knowing that im not preg then agin imagine if I AM! should I keep? or no like i want to... but then again.. im 19! Whatever... |
| Thursday, November 8th, 2001 | |
| 3:20 pm | grrr I hate him. gosh how the hell could I be so STUPID... I shouldnt have go out whit him... made a fricking mistake to go out whit a guy by pity! I mean look at him! no spine, no life and no futur! we totaly had NOTHING in comon... I didint even love him! ok so what im a bitch.. well i though i loved him... Jan was right..damn him.. he's always right.. COLIS JETAIT CONNE! WAAAARRRRR I wish he would be in front of me right now and that i had claws... just to tear his head apart by the neck! *droll at the idea* i never though i would hate so much... but jeez.. Current Mood: angryCurrent Music: Nickel Back : Silver side up |
| Sunday, November 4th, 2001 | |
| 3:29 pm | bullshit what the hell is apening to me... this morning I was feeling ok.. a little tired... felt like snegeling and just doing nothing whit my BF.. now.. i dont know.. i feel like nothing... I have a job, in a small restorant.. but still... Iguess its all me... always been my fault in anything I did in my fricking life... Aron seem like he is mad at me or something... I guess i must have screwed up... i always do. He prefeed reading... got no prob whit that... we watched a move.. still... felt wierd... *shake head* its been a while since i rided... or just walked in the forest... this wyrm corupted city is getting me sick... weak.. I guess no one can understand that... I miss peewee... a lot..I miss having a dog... a friend that i can count on... well.. i baught a fish... *shrug* like a fish can help and "lisent" to you.. bh i hear you yapping about animals dont lisent and all that shit.... fuck off whit that ok.. not true.. i know they do.. or at elast they seem to.. and they dont laugh at you, backstab you, ridiculise you or anything else, they just STAND there and nuzzle you... (well not fish.. but those are just cute n stupid) I guess its just the fact that i trusted him to mush... mess up my little un-inteligent brain.. right now i feel like if i would died nothing would realy matter... Jon... Jan... yea.. at least i got them... Aron... I HATE loving... hate it..love make u weak... make ME weak... Everyone i know and that saw me whit Aron tell me. you've never lok so happy and blah blah blah .. BULLSHIT.. im not happy... I guess i will never be... Aron.. he dont even know in what state of mind I am right now.. ig uess its better he never know.. if he know.. that i am screwed up in the brain, that im just a fricking depresiv, zoo-dependente, indepentend on human point, who ahte everything, everyone... specialy her self... that is a scociopat (decalred by a doc on top of it) who's to stuborn to take a fricking coktail Zolof, lithium praxil and Rit.20/... yea maybe i should take them... i mean.. what would be to lose.. xep my brain and my "pride" .. pride of what i wonder... never did anything to be proud of.. well yea.. i DID.. horsebackriding.. but now its all gone... .. simple memories... that will never apen again.. Same thing fro fucking school... yeaaaa right. i wnna get back.. but look at me.. will never make it... not alone.. and THEN AGAIN! TO STTTUUUPID! Wont accept help.. becoaze of my fucking "pride" Aron sayd i could belive him and blah blah blah. that i could trust him... all the sweet talk every other male did... its amazing what male can do for sex... "ohh ur so beautiful (and the worst in this is that I used to start to begin to belive it (yeaaaaa right, wake up call Arca, UR NOT) so sweet and carying (MY ASS) youve got great leg (wanna see those legs kick u in the "nads?) your soo perfect (yea want perfection, look away coz here ur meeting whit the worst type of gal) I even started to TRST him.. I do trusdt him GOSH IM AN IDIOT... I should NEVER trust a male! its BAD! male are the worst speacies... they just destroy... what woman create they are jalous.. that we can give life.. that we can handle pressure. so they try to make us break by raping, arasing, beating.. all the shit... *feel like punching threw a brick wall right now* the worst in this is that I dont KNOW why i feel like that right now.. aron did nothing to me. i just feel to take the balls of any male coming in my view right now... now he wanna see what I am writing, well BUG off.. read them after i wrote them or after im in the middle of the st larance river.. nah.. wouldnt do that... i have a job.. so I guess there is a tiny little hope for my life... that is If I CAN keep the job.. that its.. im going somewhere.. fuck know where though... might find some place to ride... yeaaaaa that would be nice... riding (a horse not a guy..thta was for the prevert mind out there that will probaly never read this message since no one CARE!) Current Mood:  bitchyCurrent Music: none |
| Sunday, October 21st, 2001 | |
| 12:48 pm | Life is not that bad... when your happy that is... im slowly but surely getting better... im chosing more who and how I am helping people now... Will help my close friend and those who helped me in life... Jan (shadow lord) Jan (tsoki)... coz he need it and he did help me long time ago.. Im sure he'll get better, he have good friend after all.. very good friend that he can count on. I'll help J... as far as I can help him anyway... I should stop giving hickee to Aron though... *evil giggle* LOL u guy's should see this... gosh.. like... 3 mega huge one (around 2 inch ) and lotsa small one.. so.. i guess i'll give it a break......NAAAAAAA. LOL well i wont do them on the neck... *chuckle* I've read the message jan left a while ago... yea.. i love this Wyld Fianna... Jan... you were right... you can be crazy about someone and then quit being madly in love whitout hating... I've gain one of the best friend i could ever have =) Anyway, Aron is back now.. so i'll go see him *evil giggle* Current Mood:  lovedCurrent Music: linkin park |