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LiveJournal for Jamie Wilkinson.
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2002 |
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i stayed up very, very late for a couple of nights laboring away on this - it's a very jumbo-shrimp sized picture, so caveat emptor, user beware, mind the gap, the worms will get you too, whatever. the more i look at it the less i like it. i imagine it's very, very far from being finished, and that's kind of depressing. oh well. maybe later i'll write more another time because i don't really feel up to it right now. (sorry, those people who love to see me finally write.) |
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2002 |
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| sensibly talking endlessly | ||||
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2002 |
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| we all want something beautiful, don't we? | ||||
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| Wednesday, January 30th, 2002 |
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Today was the most surreal day, really gloriously dream-like. Mellowed but thoughtful and completely flooded with creativitiness - during 2nd period I foresaw my future, as a man who would one day wax philosophical, even though I didn't really care what waxing things really meant. By 4th hour I'd been hit by it - this philosophical waxing had got me, and I was so creative and flowing with my thoughts I was sure they must've been pouring out of my ears. It was awesome - I wrote in my journal until my hand cramped, writing essays and thoughts and this giant, incredibly long, hypnotic, awesome free thought association sort of poem thingy. It's a mess - jumbled thoughts, arrows and sidenotes, and writing that never consistently stays in one place or in one direction for too long. it sums up my thoughts perfectly. I think. Fascinating, man. Well, er, Joyce won 'Book of the Century' for Ulysses, didn't he? And who honestly understood that? Seriously. I think tomorrow I'll revise and make sense out of it and draw the words "wax philosophmorical maybe" on top of it, and on top of my journal, and maybe on the hands of random people. I think tomorrow I'll find Lauren and talk with her because I blew her off tonight; she wanted to get together with me, just me, and I've been picking up 'good' vibes from her, and I dont' want them. I feel like she's been pretty bitter about our relationship even though I've been really friendly with her and want to bring this back to our old friendship, and then I get New Age vibes and I'm not so happy about this. I'm not sure how I'll handle it, but I will absolutely not get back with her after all that. I still feel abused, untrusted, and plebian about our relationship. Word. Girl problems. But not exactly problems, which is pretty groovy, but, yeah. I think tomorrow I'll also hunt down Grace first thing in the morning, because I didn't get any time to talk with her tonight and when I woke up in the morning I had this bad feeling that something was wrong with Grace, that she was in trouble or pain. She had to go off to this soccer game way far away and was really not so psyched about it, Grace told me, even though they ended up winning. I think I just need a hug. That's a weird feeling. It was like being connected really faintly. Or something. I think I just need a hug, man. |
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| Monday, January 28th, 2002 |
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I WANT TO WAKE UP SMILING. i also want to wake up doing the following, which a friend has as her signature: Work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt, and Dance like nobody's watching! |
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| Sunday, January 27th, 2002 |
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i feel safe and i feel happy and i feel however you make me do. please be careful where you take me. it's true - we're always there looking out for one another, always crying for one another, and my gracious, i, like a quiet reflection, always know what you're thinking. i think i'm in love. Grace. gracious, graceful, Grace, i think i'm in love. i guess i must be careful what i say and where i stand... love?... i hope we can find a way, i hope we can find a way. but i'm so easy to please. and i'm so easy to hurt. and i'm so easy to be let down. but i'm so easy to hope we grow old, i think, i hope, i dream, and i go to sleep, and tomorrow i'll daydream for us, and i hope we can be, but i don't think we can.... i'm so eager to be pleased, i'm so easy to please, and i'm so easy to love, and i'm so easy to cry. nothing is going quite right. people have so much to tell me - i have so much to hear. i have so much to learn. i have so much to learn. god, i have so much learn. my head won't stop aching. my heart won't stop aching. <23:55> <project> oh no, it's incredible - i wish i could feel like this all the time, although my tear ducts would never forgive me. through a bulletproof vest, through a telescope lens, with the windows all closed, i see your silohouette. oh no, you've lost your way. please, don't leave your way. |
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THOSE EVERYDAY TREASURES OF LIFE. i wrote a very long private entry that i want to read in the morning and then post, perhaps - it's mostly ramble, partly drunkard, and maybe somewhat wise, but i think it's pretty funny, and i know journelers who'd read it and go "that jamie, he's so silly!" and smile, and that's all i want. :) |
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| hooray! an essay due tomorrow and a bottle of red! | ||||||
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| Saturday, January 26th, 2002 |
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Naomi's this wonderful girl I met over RYLA who has a magical twinkle in her eye and who makes me feel like a million dollars every time I talk with her. So we do - we've talked just about every night since RYLA, which is so awesome, and lots of fun, and it's helping me practice talking on the phone for long periods of time because this is something I don't have a lot of experience doing; tonight, though, i got all caught up with my own shit, and i even lost my mobile phone the near exact moment i remembered that i wanted to call her and that i'd told her i'd call her because she got her ass grounded for staying up late writing me incredibly long e-mails to me when it was too late to call. so that made me feel kinda crappy, because even though we're not married or anything, even though we're not going out, even though they're may be nothing there and i'm just psychotic, she is someone i really dig and care about and she is really genuinely enthused about talking with me and i know so well that she was actually looking forward just to me so much and i wasn't there for her and that's a really awful thing for someone to do to someone else. so, because i can't call her so late as she might get grounded again because of me, i wrote her a long e-mail telling her all this and it made me feel better but i just hope that it makes her feel okay. It's funny that I started writing with good punctuation and capital letters and it sucked me in and I got all emotional and unstoppable with dumping my thoughts somewhere where i won't forget them and that faded as i descended into the words and jesus, i just did it again. That's really funny. Oh well. I'm a funny man. :) |
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At Nokia Addicts Anonymous... "Hi... my name is Jamie... and I ride the snake... 567 points long... and I can do it on the fastest level... and I'm sure my poor even numbered keys are broken by now... *sob*..." "HI JAMIE!" "It's okay, it's okay... around here we all understand you. I mean, fuck, I can do it with that fucked up maze shit, dawg." |
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set the scene: i'm project. that is all. [23:44] [23:45] [23:45] [23:46] [23:54] [23:54] [00:01] [00:01] [00:22] [00:22] [00:22] |
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| Thursday, January 24th, 2002 |
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I can - for the first time in a very long time - say that I am, in fact, truly happy. And I can look in the mirror and smile and admit to myself, in a full, rare moment of true self-honesty, that I am happy, and that I'm happy to be who I am.Much thanks to Rotary International, the people that sent me on my study-abroad-exchange to Belgium last year that helped me grow so much as a human being, and then for the amazing weekend leadership retreat they threw this past weekend: RYLA - January 18 to 21, 10 years running, Camp Pinerock, Prescott, Arizona. My good buddies Travis (the Guitar Man of Doom, rioting on the strings as much as the thought-swaps) and Grace (the sweetest , unknowingly wise person I've ever been blessed to call my newfound sister) had applied several weeks before and been accepted, and they gave me the heads-up the day before it started. Travis sung it's praises, and I'd been to something similar in Belgium - without hesitating, without doubt, I jumped on the chance to crash it, to speak as a former exchangee and sing that incredible program's praises. I rang up my people, who gave me numbers of these people you oughta call, who I peeped up with some people-charming and truly genuine enthusiasm and got in at the last minute; my first-hour teacher was really tolerant and supporting, with me chatting up my mobile phone just outside when class was in session. I love you Mr. Shoe! So I went, all-ajitter and smile-rific, to this weekend: filled with Rotary people - people handpicked, the best and the brightest, members of an almost-club that fills itself with incredible personalities. Filled with motivational speakers with things to say and funny ways of saying it, filled with Junior Counselors and delegates and old Rotarians with seemingly infinite wisdom and then there's Jamie, filled with Kodak Moments&mark; and more laughs than I thought humanly possible, filled with inside jokes (see my entry subject!) and bonding experiences that blew my mind. My group (United Nations #1! Unf!) became my family, and I met some of the most wonderful friends I've ever made; we pulled acquantance-to-fraternité quarter miles in 10 seconds flat. Travis and I put on the funniest skit I've ever seen - I would have laughed to crying if I hadn't been the one performing it. Later we co-directed a big theatrical "Solution to Homelessness" presentation for The Problem, choosing among teenage pregnancy and suicide and drug abuse and everything in between. Yes, it's a somewhat ridiculous thing, thinking we mostly-suburbanite teens can solve the world's problems with an hour of brainstorming and a 6-minute speech over a weekend, but it's still fun - I got to use a quasi-British accent while narrating it, at least. ("Thae Beutles are moure populaar than Jesuz Chroist.") My group didn't place in either 'competition', but it's okay - our skit was voted the best near unanimously by the JC judges, but we didn't win it since it was we two JC's who pretty much did the whole gig. Everyone agreed that it had rocked socks and gave me congrats and hugs and I felt wonderful about myself, purely and simply, without feeling self-involved and egotistic. The most uplifting part was that I could go on stage and make people laugh hysterically and have a riot doing it. Also very uplifting was Lost&Found;, a nightly ritual where people do ridiculous things to get their "misplaced" items back, like spelling their name with their butt or drinking a cup of water without using their hands; the look on the guy's face when he realized it was super-fizzy carbonated soda and not agua was priceless. We love your James! And Tenille's super awesome and a great dancer to boot. And crazy Jasmine, and priceless Charlene, and Lasse and Lia and Naomi (who I spent 45 minutes on the phone with tonight!) and Derek and Jessica and JR and Matt and Matt's sister Mandy's sexy and Sue not-seen-in-nine-years and Joss Powers and Scott is better than Ed was! and all the multitudes I can't remember right now, a shame because i want to write them all down so I can remember this a hundred years from now when I feel sad and lonely and forget how much I love the world and all the people in it. I was stuck in a rut, dug with harsh breakups and death and friends trying to die, aggravated by sleeping pills and abused uppers, and plagued with anxious nights plagued with uncontrollable despair, acute loneliness, and general hopelessness. RYLA dug me out. RYLA gave me an A, to quote our motivational speaker Henry Rojas, former Suns gorilla and current speaking gorilla, going total hilarious ape-shit on stage. RYLA gave me perspective, priority, unprescented pauses to pause and ponder your pensèes. RYLA gave me the time away from life in order to relearn how to love it, and it helped me find people I love, extensions of my own spirit. I can - for the first time in a very long time - say that I am, in fact, truly happy. Thank you. That is all. :) <Travis ('Bling Bling')> [in Japanese gangsta roar] wHOA bABY! YoUR EYEs aRE BLuER tHAN A pORPOISe'S bUTT! wANNA RoLL iN mY MITSUBISHI?! wE CAN Go To mY CRIB, i SHOW Yu mY HOOD. <Jessica ('Kelly SoCal')> Like, that's totally awesome! Did you know that, like, for sure, a baby comes out of a lady's pajina? <Jamie ('Pierre')> WAITER! I woold lyke a botteil of red wyne, a ci-ygarette, and zis stick remooved from my rear! <Nokia> Ride the snake... 7 miles long... <Wales> You had me on pajina! |
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| Tuesday, January 15th, 2002 |
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http://crazy.codetroop.com/randimg/imgs/c |
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| Monday, January 14th, 2002 |
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| I hate it when I hate the stuff I write. | ||||
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| Sunday, January 13th, 2002 |
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| I have this overwhelming sensation of having just spilled all the tiny little paper circles from the world's largest 3-hole puncher. | ||||||
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| Thursday, January 10th, 2002 |
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Tonight I went out to dinner at the Haunted Hamburger in Jerome (get the steak sandwich) with my mom and two of my brothers. Nice night, a nice stroll through the mountain-side city to the restaurant, and good eatins'. At the end of the night, though, our refreshingly nice and attentive waitress came by and we asked her name and got into a little conversation about life, the universe, and anything. "So," she said, "what's the relationship between you guys? Are you all siblings, or...?" We all broke out laughing. "No," my mom almost giggled, "the little guy who ate the entire side of ribs is my son Casey, he's 10. That's Morgan, my oldest. And the guy with the beard is..." "Wait, he's older than you?" she asked, pointing at me. "This may or may not be flattering, but I thought you might've been your mom's husband!" It was hilarious. My mom was extremely happy to be considered so young, and apparently the 'old soul' someone told me I have shows better when I let my facial hair grow. And in related news, someone else told me today that they thought I might've been a new teacher at school before they got the chance to meet me. The ladies (not just one!) who work in the bookstore asked me that before, too. Looks like I'm Mingus Union High School's new philosophy teacher! Man, I look too damn old. And yet I still get ID'd at clubs. That's the story of how I married my mother. Sort of. |
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| Wednesday, January 9th, 2002 |
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This was my daily zen daydream: One day I'd like to find someone who I could lay on and have their heartbeat hypnotize my very soul, and whose ability to complete each other stretched so far we would cut each other's nails. |
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| Tuesday, January 8th, 2002 |
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Spending several weeks holed up with intelligent blokes while it's snowing outside and you can only watch strange foreign films gets a guy to start to think to maybe start to sorta sort things out a bit, all Ball-drop resolution like, only more Socratic. I have, thusly, concluded that many of the conclusions I'd concluded may be inconclusive. This is, however, all good, and means I get to take some quality Songcatcher hillbilly advice. I is gonna gets me a banjo. "Life is fer enjoyin', not just gettin' an workin', gettin' an workin'." So to speak. Figuratively. N.B. You know what I mean. |
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Today was my 2nd day of the new semester in the new year, which means that all my papers for several weeks will have "01" scratched out with "02" under it. I dig it. This semester I'm also taking the most difficult course load that anyone has ever taken at my school (please, please, laugh at the website. It's jeffk, it's Super Greg, it's the best thing since slice bread.). It's pretty hard - but not that hard. I also dig how intelligent life does, in fact, exist on Planet LiveJournal. It's just hard to root out. Much like the plague, only better. |
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| Friday, January 4th, 2002 |
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This is probably one of the most astute and thought-provoking posts I've run across on LJ in a long time: http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?i I've got Radiohead friends and I've got Britney friends, and I've gotten to see both sides of it - counterculture is just the other side of the culture coin, whether either self-righteous side would like to admit to it or not. The last comment on that page sums it up pretty well. |
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LiveJournal for Jamie Wilkinson.
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distressed.
pensive.
disappointed.
cheerful.
hopeful.
content.