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around this time of year *februaryfourteenth* i usually write a depressing email or two and basically increase the sarcasm and cynicism of everyday comments. this can be fun. but it's really not productive. in fact, i've decided it's wholly unnecessary. tonight was paul, greg and jeff's radio show, and it was nice to hear the anti-valentine sentiment and music. but that was enough, and i don't need to dwell on it.
last night after the chiapas potluck i met duncan, evan and elizabeth at visions (a hip, almost too cool cinema in dupont) to see "Trembling Before G-d," a very well-done documentary about homosexual orthodox and hassidic jews. a few observations:
1) being in a theater reminds me of just how much i love films. i don't tell enough people about what an awesome filmmaker and film studies teacher my mom is, or the academy awards/how they got the emmy, etc. and i don't see enough movies. but while i'll never even be able to compare to my friends here who really, REALLY know music inside and out, i do know a lot about film and have attained a certain level of appreciation. and basically what it boils down to is that i want to see more good movies ... especially documentaries. and this excitement obviously has a lot to do with our documentary.
2) the film itself was very interesting, as was the subject matter. and even though the film's subject may seem somewhat specific, the experience of the homosexuals from orthodox and hassidic families actually relates to so many other issues. it made me think about families, otherness, cultural norms, acceptance, the difference of perspectives, and how change begins.
3) obviously it dealt with sex, but one of the things that struck me the most was the incredible warmth and depth of some of the relationships between some of the people interviewed for the film. one lesbian couple has coped with so much, especially along the lines of non-acceptance in their community, yet in spite or perhaps thanks to this, they have created lives for themselves that celebrate each other, their love, their religion, life in general, and so on in the most beautiful of ways.
in part because of the movie, i have been thinking about sex and romance a lot. this is mainly because i've been around some people who think about it a lot and talk about it rather often as well. and this has reminded me of how much less i concentrate on it in comparison. as i said at the beginning of this entry, i really have moved beyond silly feelings of bitterness and loneliness about some hallmark holiday. so many of my friends either are or have been in such damaging relationships ... the lesbian couple should have seemed normal to me, in how healthy their relationship was. but unfortunately we live in a land of broken families and dysfunctional relationships, where abnormal is the norm. and being single is perfectly fine ... a bad relationship is terrible. also, being around duncan and elizabeth, and seeing the movie last night, has only left me with a profound sense of joy for them, and i am full enough with happiness for them that there's no room for depression that i, too, can't have someone.
as far as having someone goes, whenever i complain please ignore it, because i really don't have many complaints. i know i have a soulmate, even if i never see him again (which is quite possible. it's a big world). i don't mind that i'm not the kind of girl for a fling or even a date, because i wasn't cut out for that anyway. thanksgiving hurt a little, but i learned from it. drew and i have talked many times before about the societal constructs of love ... and these are things i don't really need to deal with. if things were meant to happen for me, they will. and if they never do, so what? if being single the rest of my life were the worst thing to happen to me ... well, that's not so bad. i still have love in many ways.
oh yes, so final observation on this subject. this may seem really bizarre, but when i was watching the movie, i came to the conclusion that i am happy i am not gay for this reason: because of my personality and commitment to certain things, it is very possible that i will be celibate (or at least i think it is interesting from a buddhist or gandhian approach). and i am very willing to suffer and take others' suffering upon myself (not saying i'm a saint, far from it, just that i attempt to take suffering). and although i will fight so hard for the rights of others, i think i can say that if i were gay, i wouldn't fight so hard for my own rights ... just like some orthodox rabbis expect homosexual jews to do, i might very well live a life of celibacy and service to others rather than fight for my own rights. and i think that would be terrible. i don't mean to say that if i were gay i would agree that all gays should silently suffer and repress themselves, only that that's probably what i would do. i don't know if this makes sense either, or whether anyone wants to read it. but i find it a very interesting observation about myself. and i didn't figure it was necessary to make the entry private.
oh yeah, and in case this makes me seem really spartan or anything, let me just add that sometimes all i want is someone to hold. and i read a lot of poetry. all i'm saying is that it's not the end of the world.
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