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Friday, February 22nd, 2002
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3:44 am - nmap -v -sS -O -T Sneaky -p 139,21,31337 --randomize_hosts -oS theinternet *.*.*.*
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so yah, i'm boooooooooored. and tired. my leftover chicken and stuffing is just sitting here doing nothing but collecting bacteria. i'm too lazy to get up and put the rest of it in the fridge. that would mean getting up from my chair, going down stairs and covering up my food. i'm just so unmotivated to that right now. i'm probably going to crash out here in a couple of minutes.
so today, i did nothing. i woke up at like 2pm to drive my brother down to his friend's house. even after i told the little shithead that i wasn't going to take him anywhere anymore. whenever i ask him for a favor, he says no, but i end up helping him out when he needs a favor. well, it's friday now, and later on tonight, it's red robin night. that means free drinks at the bar and afterwards, pool and beer at combo's. that's about the only thing i end up doing every week over here in fresno.
my mom wonders why i sit in my room most of the time. well, if i don't have anywhere to go during the day and if i don't like watching tv or videos, i'm going to stay in my room, read, play my trombone or get on the internet. that's all the entertainment i need. i try to keep myself busy with various projects, when really, i just need something to lag on. i'm glad i got this undef site to work on, which is my new project. also, this dedication page that i've been working on. for those of you who know what i'm talking about....hahahahaha! it's some funny shit.
i've been neglecting my duties as a perl student. i have the whole oreilly series on html, but it's just easier to read when you have it on paper in front of you. i can't take my PC with me to the toilet to read up on reference or regex's. i don't have a printer, and if i did, i wouldn't spend the ink on printing any of those books...they're just way too long to print out. there are still a couple of things i wanted to do to that game i made, but i haven't gotten the motivation to do it. i wanna make some arrays that hold different game-play scene descriptions. i also want to generate some subroutines to shorten my code a quite a lot. most of the stuff is redundant and can probably be moved to subroutines. there are also a couple of small bugs that i'd like to fix. but, all of that would mean ripping apart my already working code. i'd hate to do that. that's mainly the reason i haven't done it yet. that, and i'm lazy.
maybe it's the books i'm reading, but reading puts me to sleep. the internet tends to keep me up longer than i should be up. also, i need to get some money so i can get fucking dsl hooked up here. that would be so sweet. either that or cable. cable's cheaper. plus, this neighborhood is so ghetto that i doubt many people have a computer or the money to afford high-speed inet access. basically, that means i'd get a pretty good connection. but, i dunno what kinda signal strength they have in this area.
it sure is hard to type while smokine a cigarette. i lose 2 fingers of typing in the process, but i can still type; just not as fast.
okay, well time to call it a night. nite people.
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Dylan - Spasm
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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7:10 pm
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4:53 am - yeeeeeeeeeeah
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the whole day (well, technically yesterday), i've been such a dork. and i was extemely happy today for some reason. i was just in a good mood throughout the whole day...still am. but whenever i get in a good mood, i get really stupid and goofy. i'll make stupid jokes and laugh at them. i'm sure it gets annoying, but i think it's pretty entertaining. and i don't think it takes too much to entertain me. i don't really have too much talk about, so i guess i'll just ramble on about nothing.
so jennifer made me update this thing, otherwise i probably wouldn't even bother. so, this one's for you, jennifer! *muah*
my brother annoys the hell out of me sometimes. like, i'll be busy working on something, and he'll come in and ask me stupid questions very randomly. none of which have anything to do with each other. and he'll keep asking me and asking me until i say something. i figured out a way to answer his questions without really understanding what they are. he asks me questions like "have you seen this movie, the one where so and so does this and this and that happens?" or "do you remember when...?" or "can you do this...?" i'll just say yes most of the time, because if i say no, he keeps going on trying to describe it, which just bugs me even more cause i'm BUSY! so finally, i have to tell him, "leave me alone...enough questions already! i'm busy, can't you see i'm working on something?" and really, i am busy and i have to concentrate on what i'm doing. it's like he picks the times when i'm trying to figure something out to ask me retarded questions. and when i'm in the kitchen doing something, he has to make some sort of degrading comment like, "henry, you're so gay because
" or just something retarded. i just laugh and say "whatever" or "suck it". it gets old fast. especially when he tries to do it in front of everybody in the house. so today, i was like, "you keep saying i'm gay, because you have this homophobic complex of becoming gay yourself and you're not comfortable with your sexuality. and to add to that, you're insecure about yourself, so you have to try to make me feel like you do by TRYING to degrade me, which makes you somehow feel better. you have low-self esteem and you know you're a piece of shit that has no life." after i said that, i could hear him trying to thwart what i was saying, getting all defensive. i just said, "figured....you always get definsive when you know someone else is right." he tried to combat that, too. i just said "i've got you all figured out. i can read you like a VCR manual." and walked out. if his comments really did get to me, i'd probably kick his ass like i used to when we were younger. for being 17 (almost 18 this year!), he's pretty immature. i don't think i'm the most mature person in the world, but when i was his age, i was little more "together" than he is, currently.
so kendra had me setup this newspro thing on undef which i thought gathered news and displayed it on a webpage. i didn't really read completely what it was about and just installed anyway, only to find out that it is for news posting. i ran into a couple of problems setting it up, but it's working now. i changed the stupid default colors, so if any of you reading want to post news, just email me and i'll set you up with a username and password and stuff. really, i don't have much to post on there, nor do i know what what to post. but i guess if lots of people start posting on it, it would be cool...otherwise, what's the point? so i'll keep it up there and see where this thing goes.
so like, this punk band i'm in seems cool. i hope we can get some cool tunes together. we're supposed to do a cover of one of Outkast's old songs from his Aquemini album called SpottieOttieDopealicious. all i need to learn is the horn part, which is pretty easy. i already have it memorized. so like when i was talking to my bandmates, they were saying something about moving down to LA after our drummer leaves. i don't want to move down there and i expressed that to them. but i said that if we were doing really well, that i would reconsider it. i mean, i love music and i love playing, but i dunno if i'd move for it. that is, unless we were really poppin and could do a lot of gigs down in LA. but all we really have to do is come up with some catchy tunes, go down to LA and get picked up by some record label. this group honestly has the talent to be better than some of the most popular bands in similar genres. we just need some time to perfect our music and our chemisty, being that we've only played together a couple of times. anyhow, i really hope it all works out. they're a cool bunch of kids.
k...well imma close this thing. for someone who said they didn't have much to talk about, i sure rambled. hehe. thanks for listening and stay tuned for more useless stuff, random complaining and real-time daydreaming.
current mood:  dorky
current music: A Tribe Called Quest - Scenario
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| Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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2:06 am
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going through people's websites depresses me. i sit there and think, "why couldn't i think of something like that? why must mine suck in comparison?" i don't have all the mad skillz i'd need to make such nice pages. i have a small amount of html experience. enough to make a decent looking site, but my skillz are far from being advanced. i'd say mine were beginning to intermediate. it's not that html is such a hard language to learn. it's just taking the time to read the material. and it's not like i don't have the material either...cause i have everything i need to learn html like a pro. i just lag too much. but i hate it when i get mad at myself for not knowing everything there is to know. especially when it comes to computers. they're are supposed to be my forte, yet i can't bang out a spectacular website worthy of any kinda of eye-popping. i will be my own undoing.
current music: DMX - 24 Hours To Live
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| Monday, February 18th, 2002
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11:16 pm - will the insanity ever stop?
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if it's not one thing it's another. i fucking hate drama! yet, whenever i come to fresno, there seems to be plenty of it waiting for me here. whenever i leave...my drama is either non-existant, or it's a lesser form of drama that is much easier to deal with and get rid of. i guess you'd have to come to expect that sort of thing when you come back to family. the thing is, is that this drama is no laughing matter; it's pretty fuckin serious and it scares the shit out of me. i honestly don't even want to get into it. it's just way too personal to post publicly. i wouldn't even make it a private posting. i know those motherfuckers who work at livejournal.com probably scour through gigs and gigs of private journal entries laughing their asses off at people's personal lives.
if you've ever read my journal before, you're probably thinking "oh, his step dad is bringing the drama again." that's not even it. in fact, the drama that's unfolded has made us come together to work on a solution to the problem at hand. we actually have conversations! can you believe that? and he gives me cigarettes and stuff!
it seems as if life brought me back to fresno for a reason, and a damn good one. as much as i don't want to see or deal with this drama, i feel that i have to be the one to step to the forefront of this situation and take it head-on. i'm sort of glad that i'm here to be able to keep an eye on things. but then again, i probably wouldn't know too much about what's going on if i was in the bay area or so cal. that would be easier, because i wouldn't even have to deal with it at all. i'd be out there doing my own thing, not having to worry about what goes on in this house. but if what scares me were to happen, i'd blame myself for not being here to help. this whole thing not only scares me, but it fucking pisses me off!! and my brother doesn't make any of this any easier for anyone to deal with. and my stepdad...i really feel bad for him, but i also gotta give him a high-five for having put up with what's going on.
i don't know what exactly to do. we're all in a kinda catch-22 about this whole thing. i don't exactly know how to deal with all this, mentally, either. i try to stay in my room as much as possible, and, if circumstances permit, get out of the house for the night, go party and forget about everything that's going on. music, friends, my computer and books seem to be my only escape. if it wasn't for those few things, i'd probably go crazy.
aside from this drama, everything else is going extremely well. but, it only takes one tird to make the whole pool contaminated. it's times like these when you need something like god. but, god has already proven that he hates my ass and doesn't liked to be asked for favors anymore, so i can kiss that goodbye. anyway...i'm outta here. i gotta work on some web designing....check out what i got so far:
the undef network
current mood:  scared
current music: John Coltrane - My Favorite Things
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2002
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6:26 pm - a higher high
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music's always been a big part of my life. growing up, music brought an inner happiness and peace to me. not only listening to it, but making music. for 7 years, i made music. i haven't had as much time for music as i used to. i still play, but it's been a long time since i've played in a group. and that was at the beginning of my senior year of high school.
i tried to get into a couple of jazz groups when i was in the bay area, but transportation was always an issue. and when i finally did find a group that i could play with, i had to move back to fresno. the other night, i stumbled upon a couple of guys i went to high school with. it turns out that we have some mutual friends. we got to talking, and they mentioned that they wanted a trombone player for their punk band. apparently, they had a trumpet player, so they needed a trombone to complete the horn section. me, being a trombonist, said i'd check them out.
so i met them this afternoon for a jam session and had an awesome time. i finally got to make music with a group. my playing turned out better than i expected for not having played in an ensemble in almost 4 years. the drummer wasn't there, so my friend gabe filled in for him. supposedly, this drummer is supposed to be pretty damn good. our trumpet player is awesome. he does vocals and guitar as well. the bass player is on a level of his own as well. i had to get used to playing in a group like that, cause i'm used to jazz trombone playing. once they threw on the ska, i felt right at home, and that kinda loosed me up for the rest of the session. i just gotta get used to playing so loud for so long.
anyhow, it was sweet and relieving. it's definitely a great release, whether it be tension, happines, anger, sorrow...just about any emotion; it can express those emotions that words can't express alone. hopefully this will last. i can't let this be my main priority, but it's up there in importance.
so, i'm pretty stoked and i feel really good. i'm high off music; and herb. hehe.
current mood:  high
current music: Outkast - Skew It On The Bar-B (feat. Raekwon)
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| Thursday, February 7th, 2002
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6:25 am
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how the fuck did i turn into a dictionary? and why do people automatically assume i know the meaning of a word, or that i know how to pronounce something? and why must they ask me every 5 minutes? get a fucking dictionary!!
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5:57 am - home again
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this makes coming back to fresno trip number 3 since i left 2 years ago. actually, now that i think about it, it's been exactly 2 years since i first left home. i only come back when something goes wrong in the bay area. come home, regroup and go back out.
my plan was to come here and visit with family for a while until i got a hold of my dad who lives in socal. he just moved into a new place, so his phone isn't hooked up. i planned on leaving fresno this weekend, but at this rate, i won't leave until sometime next week.
the joys of being home...i get to sleep in till 2pm on a daily basis and be up all night on the internet. yay. i feel so bad for doing that for some reason. i haven't even left the house in a couple of days. the only day i really went out was on super bowl sunday. everyone's kinda busy doing their own thing over here. friends, that is. i got to visit with a few, but i haven't gotten a hold of most of them. i DID talk to some people i haven't talked to in a long time. i had a good talk with an old friend of mine who i haven't talked to in at least a couple of years. we had a nice long talk about the state of things on both ends. it was good to talk to him. hopefully we can do what we planned and have a little barbque renioun sort of thing with some old friends.
so my mom is trying to convince me to stay in fresno and not go stay with my dad. she says he's a changed man and that i probably wouldn't like it over there. what does she know? she hasn't seen him in decades and hasn't even talked to him. i don't even know my dad to tell you the truth. i haven't lived with him since i was a wee lad, and i don't even remember it, so i couldn't recall what it was like. i'd like to see him, but i'm a little unsure about living with him. what if i don't like him? what if he is the person my mom and brother painted for me? i know...i won't know unless i find out for myself, but excuse me if i'm a little apprehensive about it. i think things could work out here if my mom's husband can try not to nit-pick things and remove the stick out of his ass.
when i first showed up to fresno, i didn't say hi to him when i saw him, but he said hi to me. i just said "hey gabriel." no "how's it going? how are things?" i could careless. but he tried talking football with me. i guess he's trying to be cool with me. i dunno. he's kinda up and down. one minute, cool, the next not-so-cool. i'm sort of confused. but you know...this is home. fresno, my family, friends, the streets, the air, the cold, the heat, the stress. it's familiar territory. i'm leaning towards fresno. part of me wants to go live with my dad, just so i can have the experience. part of me just wants to go visit him and stay here in fresberg. people say they can hook me up with jobs here. so why not? i dunno...i'm so confused. usually, i know what i want to do. but this one is different. this one has a little more deeper seeded issues in it that i really can't get to the bottom of. i'll figure it out someday. but, i need to make a decision soon. i guess i'm just so hesitant to make a move, cause i don't want to make the wrong one. i've taken a lot of wrong steps and i don't want take any more. either way, i'll be fine. i'm probably making more a deal out of this than it really is.
anyway....it's like 6am....way too late...brain not working like it should. peece.
current mood:  confused
current music: DJ Rectangle - Rated R Mix
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| Saturday, January 26th, 2002
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1:46 am - i'm too unimaginitive to come up with something right now
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i can't believe that i haven't posted to this damn thing in about a month now. usually, i post a few times a week. things have been hectic and trying for me lately. i had a lot on my plate and i just couldn't finish up. thanks to the wonderful economic situation this country is in, i'm going to have to leave the bay area.
i've been staying with isaac since the beginning of december. it's almost february. i ended up getting a temporary job at this shipping/receiving company doing reception for a girl who was going on vacation for 2 weeks. having some sort of income was definitely a point in the right direction. but, i still had to find a stable and long-term job to secure things on the financial front. because if i don't have work, then i won't be able to save up money to get a place of my own. all my leads had dried up and the only good prospect took a shit on me. employers are getting picky these days. i've never experienced this side of an economy first-hand. ever since i've been working (1997), this country's economy was doing great, and was on the rise. and now that things have drastically slowed down, especially in the bay ayea because of the amount of tech or tech-like companies, things have been rough in the job market. since tons of people got laid off, there are so many more people applying for the same jobs, so the competition can get fierce if you do not have a college degree. this just goes to show that this piece of paper means a lot to employers.
so, being that my last lead is now gone, because my appearance wasn't as 'corporate' as they would like. i'm a great fit for the job, but i don't look right. *pfft*. so geigh.
that girl stephanie wrote me an email on new years eve saying that she was in portland, oregon. so, me being me, i traced the email back to her and she was in fact in portland. so i wrote her back saying that i was worried about her and that i'm glad to hear that she's okay, but what the fuck was she doing in oregon? given her situation, i saw something like this coming...i just didn't think it would be oregon. anyhow, she wrote me back saying, 'yeah, sorry to leave you hanging like that, but i'm probably going to try to find a place with some friends of mine...blah blah blah.' and i haven't heard anything from her since then. just some junk mail that she sent me last week. she doesn't seem to be too eager to keep in contact with me, so i've just forgetten about the whole thing. sometimes, i look back on it and say 'damn, that really suck' but i just shrug it off now. i've got bigger and better things to worry about. like my future. what the fuck am i going to do?
i was thinking, and my only other choice about now is to move with my dad. that would place me in the vicinity of the pismo/san luis obispo area. it's not a bad area...nice weather. i have tons of uncles, aunts and cousins down there, so i know i'll have plenty of company. the only thing i'm worried about, is going down there and there being no jobs. i might have to lower my standards to make some sort of money. my hope is to get things situated for myself so that i can apply for school next semester and get my ass learnin and stuff.
despite all the turmoil, obstacles and chronic disappointment, i'm still a happy person. i keep myself optimistic about the future. gaining that sort of perspective doesn't come without a little despair. i had to see the ugly side of life, basically scraping the bottom of my existance, to be able to appreciate what i have. and now that i've seen that, i can always say "i've been in worse." life keeps dishing me mud and crap, but trudging along just fine. keep it comin, bitches!
ok...well im outta here...imma listen to some music and continue to watch nmap scan logs.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Miles Davis & John Coltrane - Crazeology
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| Tuesday, December 25th, 2001
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2:05 am
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well, jv forced me at gun-point to update this thing, so i might as well do it before he gets really angry! hehe. this one's for you jv.
it's christmas day, technically and i'm all alone. i can't go visit my family because i don't have the money to and they can't come visit me for the same reasons. this girl i've been seeing hasn't called me in about 10/11 days or so now (since last Friday). i wish i could just stop thinking about it and forget. if she hasn't called now, then when is she going to call? even if she does, she better have a good excuse for not having called. i don't care how mad she is...i don't play these i-won't-call-you-cause-i'm-mad games.
for all of you who don't know, i've been seeing this girl (dating, whatever) for a few weeks now. i thought things were going good until i goofed up. my friend called, and when he asked me about her, i said "oh, just some chick." and in the background, i hear, "oh, just some chick, huh?" "that's not what i meant!" so that's how that went. i said sorry after i got off the phone, we kissed, made up, and when she left she said she'd call, but hasn't. i'd call her, but she was kicked out of her parents house and doesn't have a stable place to stay, which means i can't get a hold of her. i have to wait for her to call me. that sucks.
so it looks like isaac and i are going to feed old folks for xmas. the least i can do is make someone else happy and help some people out for xmas since i don't have anything else to do. honestly, feeding old people isn't exactly my xmas wish come true, but being that i'm going to be alone, why not keep myself company with the older crowd? i should be in bed right now so i can get up at 9am to do this thing, but i can't sleep. i napped too long earlier today.
so yeah...things got changed around on me quite a bit. the deal was this: isaac's roommate was only going to occupy the room here until February. that would ideally, give me enough time to come up with $1100.00 to move into the room, which covers 1st month's rent and deposit. but, that fool decided to leave early to move in with his girlfriend. so now, isaac has a roommate who is going to be more permanent than February; indefinitely. so not only do i have to get a job in this harsh market, but i have to try to find an affordable place to live. that is such a bitch. i wish life wouldn't throw me curve balls like that. i'm never fully prepared for them. i just have to adjust to them, which can sometimes be a strain on me. it's just a slight course change, but it's still a pain. "unforeseen occurrences befall us all" says the bible. and so true it is.
so here i sit, like a retarded, missing this girl who won't call me...even on xmas. and like an idiot, i'm hoping she'll call. why do i get myself so wrapped up in girls? well, she seems really sweet, and it's been a long time since i've been in a relationship. i like the companionship, the attention, the kissing, the cuddling and the talking. someone actually wants to know how my day went! i guess that's why. all i gotta say is that i prepare for the worst and hope for the best. so, i shall expect her not to call so that if she doesn't, i won't be disappointed. but i know there will still be a part of me hoping she calls. ugh! ok, enough about that. i talk about it too much. i should just leave it at that and forget about it. fuck...i can't do that. i just can't. but, i'll try.
current mood:  lonely
current music: Aceyalone - Five Feet
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| Monday, December 3rd, 2001
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6:19 am - moving day
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well, i finally left fresno. the night before i took off, my brother and his two friends asked me if i would want to drink a 40 of mickey's. i ended up drinking until about 430 that morning, finally passing out. i woke up with somewhat of a hangover. my cooked this huge breakfast, but i couldn't eat it; my stomach was hurting. i could barely eat much of anything today.
i got on the bus early. on the way to san jose, i had fallen asleep. then, some wetbacks (i can call them that...i'm a wetback, too lol) get on the bus bumpin some spanish music. being that i was asleep, i thought it was rude, so i asked the guy if he could turn it down. he turns it off, but then turns it back on again 5 minutes later. i just put my headphones on and fell back asleep.
when i woke up, we were nearly in downtown san jose (the destination). i look to my right and see the wetback all passed out with a budweiser can in his hand. he woke up and i watched him as he poured the beer out onto the ground and then he glances in my direction. he gets pissed, like i'm dogging him or something and says in spanish, "what are you looking at?" i just looked away and avoided the confrontation. if i said anythink i'd just get pissed off. he called me a few things in spanish and then we started to get off the bus.
i was waiting to get my luggage unchecked from the bus when the surly mexican confronted me. talking in spanish, he called me a motherfucker, a white boy and some other stuff, but i just laughed. then, he smacks my hat! i told him to watch it and that if he didn't i'd call security and get him for being drunk and disorderly. i don't think he understood too well.
i called karina to let her know i had arrived safely at the bus terminal. while i'm waiting outside, that surly man comes back again! he tells me in spanish something to the effect of "you are not a mexican, you look like one, but you are not!" "you're a motherfucker!" he asked if i spoke spanish, and i said "a little bit" so he tried to talk in english, which didn't go too well. then, some mexican guys were walking by and i asked them to translate. they basically said that the guy was drunk (duh!) and that he wasn't too happy with me. they proceeded to tell that guy that they would call the cops if he didn't leave, so he took off.
i hate getting into fights, but if someone brings a fight to me, you bet i'm going to try and defend myself. i'm the type of person who likes to be prepared for anything. and with drunks like that guy i encountered, they may very well try to take swings at me. i may not be a big guy, but i'm quick and strong. bring it on BITCH!
anyhow, it feels good to be back in the bay area. it's so much warmer out here than in fresno. *yawn* bedtime
current mood: stoned
current music: background noise - television
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| Friday, November 30th, 2001
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2:21 am - ...from here
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today started off on the wrong foot, but ended on a better note.
this morning my mom tells me that her husband is mad because he says things "haven't changed." i was like, "what's supposed to change? he got what he wanted. he wanted me out of here and i'm leaving this weekend." my mom continued to explain that me going to bed late and listening to music was pissing him off. i'm sorry, but does it really matter?! he also told my mom i had the music up loud all night, which is pretty funny and ridiculous. i was listening to khaha.com on my headphones the whole night. anyhow, i'm not worried about it...i'm leaving.
my original plan was to go stay with my dad. i've never really lived with my dad nor do i know him all that well. i haven't seen him in about 4 years, so it would be kind of weird to be thrown in a living situation with him. i'm sure he'd try to take care of me and help me out, but i dunno...i guess i'm just not 100% comfortable with it.
my latest and greatest plan is to move back to the bay area. isaac offered some room for me to stay at his new place, which he's moving into today. we planned on sunday, so that's when i'll be back in the bay. i was really excited about it and still am. i can go back to the area i've been so accustomed to for the past 3 years (almost 3 years). i'll have all my friends, parties, drugs and personal freedom back. no more going outside around the corner to smoke a bowl, no more watching what i say around the house.
what i will miss about fresno is my family. i'll miss my younger brother who i've always been close to and have become good friends with. i'll miss my mom who always helps me out when i need it the most and loves me very much. i'll miss all my cute little sisters. i'll miss my grandparents who are like my 2nd set of parents. they usually know what to say in most sitautions. i'll miss the home-cooked meals that my mom makes (it's always corn, mashed potatoes and {enter main course here}).
so, my plan is to stay with isaac for a while and possibly move into the extra room when i get a job. so, today, i'm going to try (keyword: try) to get up at 11am and call a few staffing agencies, go on craigslist, check the chronicle online, check monster and some other sites.
all in all, i feel pretty good and optimistic about my near future. i just hope everything pans out the way i see it happening. just stay focused, henry!
current mood:  cheerful
current music: DJ Rectangle - Rated R Mix
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| Thursday, November 29th, 2001
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2:01 am - religion
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today, i'm going to talk about Jehovah's Witnesses. that's only because it's the only religion i know much of anything about. why do i know so much about them? well, i used to be one. why? because that's my family's (mom's side) religion. i'm the 3rd generation of this religious trek.
witnesses are different. they don't celebrate christmas, birthdays, halloween or any other national holiday for that matter. the only religion i know of that not only discourages holiday celebrations, but strictly bans them. the reasons for these being that most of them are from pagan origin. pagans worshiped idols and witnesses follow the bible when god says not to bow down to images or idols or anything of that sort. only because you'd be worshiping this man-made object and not god (Jehovah) himself. which i can understand.
another thing...they consider themselves "not worldly" which means they follow jesus commandment to not be fashioned after this world. with that, you cannot wear outlandish clothing, makeup, earrings, piercings, tattoos or beards. i got into a discussion with my grandparents about the beard thing and how i think it's ridiculous. they say it's because if you had a beard you wouldn't be a clean representitive of jehovah and people wouldn't take your message seriously. they say that a beard categorizes you like wearing big pants would categorize you as a thug or something along those lines. it's not socially acceptable to be preaching with a beard, i guess. so that went nowhere.
they disfellowship people. that means that basically, if you fuck up too bad (i.e., you fornicate, commit adultry or any other sins like that). you have to do it repeatedly, thus showing that you are unrepentant for the acts you committed. so, you're under constant scrutiny. when you are disfellowshipped, you cannot participate in any of their discussions, answer any bible questions at their "meetings" and no one in the congregation can talk to you because you are considered "bad association". the bible says "bad association spoils useful habits."
so why did i stop affiliating myself with this religion? well, when i was 17 my ex decided to try to smear my name as an attempt to get back at me for splitting up with her. i had my reasons, and i'm sure she knew what they were. but she did a good job. people looked at me funny and some of my friend's parents told them they couldn't hang out with me. nothing had been said to me from the congregation. i wasn't disfellowshipped or anything along those lines. they couldn't prove i did anything. it was funny, cause most of those kids whose parents said i couldn't hang out with them were worse than i was. if anything, THEY were a bad influence on me. anyhow, i was shunned by everyone there. jay dubz are so hypocitical and two-faced. not all of them, though, just a good majority of them.
religion to me, is some thing made up by the governments of this world as an attempt to control the media. if you think about it, what better way to control such a large group of people by scaring them with everlasting death and torture for being a non-believer and a heavenly reward for those who adhere to the bible? the bible is geared towards pacifism. if you are passive about things in this world, you will not fight back for anything. what a great tool the bible is for such a thing. this may or may not be true. i half hope it is, and i half hope it's not. i hope my theory is not true, because that means salvation will come and this world will be cleansed of all the bad things it has in it. and i hope it is true, because that means i don't have to worry about going to hell or anything of that sort.
current mood:  bored
current music: Thievery Corp. - Guiro Electro (Rainer Trüby Trio Remix)
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1:01 am - geek
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ok, so today i geeked out. i've been working on this program, which is a game. the point is to smoke an ounce without passing out. yeah, it's cheesy and very pothead of me, but i thought it would make a nice practice piece. this is written in perl, by the way.
when i was thinking about the program, the concept seemed simple, but the actual coding looked like it would be tough. i finished the hardest part of the program first, which i thought would be the easiest part. the hard part was extremely easy and i got it work on the first try, minus a couple of small bugs.
the game now runs, but there are still a few little things i need to iron out. but i'm just so happy that i actually wrote something that works the way i want it to. now it's time to see if i can write something meaningful. maybe i could write some kewl cgi programs.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Beethoven - Tempest - 3rd Movement
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| Tuesday, November 27th, 2001
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9:43 pm - when the shit hits the fan
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today was quite interesting.
i'll try not to ramble on here...wait...you know...fuck it! this is my goddamn journal and i can write whatever i like.
lately, my life has been far from dull. if there's not one thing going crazy in my life, it's another, but most of the time there are several things going ballistic on me at once. but hey, that's life. i stare at challenges with a grin. it's just that some challenges are just ones you won't win. no matter how you roll the dice, you lose.
so it looks like i'm moving again. i feel an onset of random, unforseen nomadic activity on my part. my step-dad decided to have a "talk" with me and matt today. in my head, i was saying, "oh great...another one of these." figuring that i should just grin and bear with it, i stood there and listened to his incessant rambling of the jaw, tongue and vocal chords (which i'd like to rip out, by the way). at one point, he was cussing at me. i hadn't said a word up to this point and i didn't like the way he was talking to me, so i said, "look, don't talk to me that way. i'm not interrupting you, disrespecting you, arguing with you. nor am i cussing at you. i'd appreciate it if you didn't talk to me like that." he got pissed, so i walked away before i could say something i might regret.
at the end of his long spiel, he said, "don't EVER smoke weed at my house, around my house..NOTHING! you have to be clean if you live in MY house!" i just shook my head and smiled. i understand that this is his rule or whatever, but i don't appreciate some man, who does not deserve an inch of respect, telling me what drugs i can and cannot do. i am 20 fucking years old and i can choose to do what i like. i won't do it at his house, but if i go out and get stoned with my friends, then come home, i should be allowed to do that. i'm not surly, angry or come in all fucked up. i can control myself and my high. if anything, i'm just a little more passive, focused and forgetful. anyhow, because i shook my head and "smirked" he told me i had to leave and that was final. my mom was sitting there the whole time.
upset/frustrated/confused/angry/reluctant/sarcastic, i said, "well, you know...it seems that my presence here has caused this whole household to fall apart. your marriage is in jeapordy in because of me. so i'm out!" i guess i tried to make it seem like i was leaving on my own. hehe. silly me.
i packed my bags and took the bus to my grandma's where she tried to preach to me about the bible and how i should go back to being a JW. so i got into an ethical and semantical argument/discussion about religion and why i'm so turned off to it. they think i'm foolish.
so my mom stops by here (just a minute ago) and attempts to make me feel better. i'm kind of upset with her, too. i think it's just because she didn't stick up for me, say anything, do anything or stop me from leaving. i understand why she didn't and i accept that, but i can't deny these inner feelings i have welling up deep inside. so i feel bad for disliking my mom, but at the same time, i don't dislike her. i'm confused, really.
i've lots of pent up anger and frustration. i took some of that out on my trombone case. my hand is now a bloody pulp. well not really...i just have 3 rather large cuts on my right hand.
fuck the way this world is set up and fuck the challenges that life throws at me. fuck it all. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck@@$#@!%$#!$#!$
current mood:  frustrated
current music: none
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| Monday, November 26th, 2001
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2:16 pm - blah
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i woke up in a bad mood. my sisters jacked all my pens and my mom's little baby chihuaha bit me when i was picking up the blankets from the floor in my room this morning. it kinda scared me, cause i didn't know he/she was there.
i'm really hungry right now and just came online to get some fax software. time to get my ass a job!!
current mood: annoyed
current music: Dieselboy - A Soldier's Story - Yes Men(Decoder Remix)
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3:44 am - two days in a row
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wow...two posts within a week? i must be bored. i did absolutely nothing today. i left my house once to get cigarettes down the street. but if you count the times i went out for a smoke, i went out quite a few times.
let's see...what did i want to say? oh yeah...there was a posting i did a while back about this girl i had met at a party who moved to new mexico. well, she came back to visit family for turkey day and i just happened to move out of the area. she wrote me and said she wanted to go out and do something, but unfortunately, that's not geographically impossible. oh well. maybe next time.
i didn't sleep good last night (from my perspective). after going to bed at 630am and coming from yosemite that day, i thought i'd sleep like a baby. but i kept tossing and turning. i woke up at 2pm. what a bum. fuck it...it's sunday; i have right to sleep that late.
so today, my 49ers advanced to 8-2 with a win over the Peyton Manning and his Colts (40-21). the defense actually did something worthwhile in the game. the colts turned the ball over 5 times, which the niners capitalized on. if they keep it up, they'll be in the run for a playoff spot, and maybe even become division champs this season if they can beat the rams.
i used to watch football religiously, but now, i forget. maybe it's because i wake up too late to catch the 11am games. i didn't even see any thanksgiving games. back in the day, i'd be on phone with my ex while trying to watch football. i would have to tell her i'd call her back after the game was over. football meant that much to me. and every monday morning, i'd make sure i had enough time to read the sports section cover to cover. now, i could care less. i'm still a faithful niner fan. i guess their last two seasons killed my image of them as the untouchable gods of football.
my friend matt is staying with me. matt is such a kewl kid. we've been friends for quite some time and we've always been kew. recently, when i was living in hayward, him and my friend jeff asked if they could stay at my place till they got jobs and found a place. i was kewl with that...they're my homies! as it turned out, neither of them got jobs and i didn't get one until a few weeks after they were at my place. so, i had to provide cigarettes and food for 3 people. which was tough, because i could barely support myself at the time. but, i'm a good friend...i wouldn't leave them out in the cold. if they're going to starve, we'll do it together. at least i can help them out.
now that i lost my place, jeff moved to oregon and matt didn't have anywhere to go, so i asked my mom if he could stay with me until he got on his feet. matt is a 19 year old pot smoking ex-skater. that about sums him up. lately, i've been getting a lot of shit from my mom and my stepdad because of him. he helps out around the house, but only when i tell him to. he never takes it upon himself to pick up things. i usually clean up the room and remove all dishes. i provide cigarettes for him and he eats my mom's food.
today, my mom told me that he asked her for a ride to pick up some money that his mom wired to him and he didn't give her any gas money out of the money he got. so she got on my case about it. matt just got a job, so now my mom's like "when is he going to pitch in for food, because i can't feed him. he needs to contribute...nothing comes free." why do i have to be the bad guy?! i know he's my friend and i asked if he could stay here, but why is she putting all this on me? i have enough shit to deal with from my stepdad. i don't need my mom on my back and i don't want to have to sit here and try to tell matt, "hey, pitch in some money...give my mom some of your check when you get it, etc."
i'm afraid matt will spend his money on cigarettes, weed and beer, not save anything, not pitch in for anything and get kicked out. i can see it happening. matt thinks just about matt. he found a bowl in my room while i was gone and smoked it. it wasn't mine, but it wasn't his. it COULD have been mine, which bugs me. he constantly asks me to go out and smoke cigarettes when i only have a few left and no money to get anymore. i'm like "listen, i only have a couple left. no. i'm sorry if you smoke like a train, but i want some nicotine when i wake up tomorrow."
i guess i'm getting a little worn out by him. i think my friends take advantage of my hospitality. maybe they don't realize it. i don't mind helping people out, especially friends, but when they don't help themselves out and expect me to help them, i get a little upset. i can barely make things nice for myself, so it drains me financially and mentally having to deal with all that.
i guess we'll see what happens. for now...i'll grin and bear with it. now that he's got a job, he can support my cancer-stick habit. hehe.
current music: Aceyalone - Accepted Eclectic - Rappers Rappers Rappers
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| Sunday, November 25th, 2001
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3:14 am - ketchup
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last time i wrote in this thing, i was pretty bogged down with the troubles of losing my place. i said something about a premonition that i had. it had something to do with me knowing that everything i had in the bay area would fall apart. well...my premonitions stand correct. i know a bad situation when i see one...it's weird. especially when i know it's bad and i do it anyway. maybe that's personal rebellion.
i'm in fresno, living with my mom. woop dee doo! at least i get free food and a place to stay. not for very long though. i have two months to get my shit together and move out. my step dad setup this timeframe cause he wants me out of here. here's a small take on what i do here at the house:
-i watch his (and my mom's) kids on a regular basis so they can go somewhere
-do AT LEAST 1 chore around the house per day, mostly 2 a day
-i keep my room very clean
-i don't make any real noise
-i sleep in till 12 or 1
-i smoke weed/tobacco
-i take away my mom's attention from him (stepdad)
he says i'm a loser who has no job and i'm dangling from my mom's tits like a little bitch, as he put it. what's funny is that he sits on his ass all day and collects unemployment. the other part that's funny is that he's a miserable loser. he's always pissed, annoyed or upset with something and has done nothing with his life so far. i think being him is punishment enough, so why should i stick around and make him miserable? that would just make my mom miserable.
gabriel (step-dad) never tells me anything to my face. if he has something to say, he tells my mom, who tells me that he said "this" and "that". come on...i'm 20 years old, he's 30-something. we're both adults (or are we?). i can handle a discussion about something. what i can't handle is someone who is afraid of confrontation and has to get someone else to try and be the bad guy.
before i go on about him, i have to get you into his mindset here. he comes from a fucked up family and has lived the life of a drug addict many times. he has these issues with women cheating on him. he thinks my mom is cheating on him, which makes me laugh. he always wants 100% attention and he even went as far as saying to her "your kids come first and i don't like that...i should be number 1." granted he is married to my mom, i was here first buddy and my mom isn't going to ignore me just so you can feel loved and attended to 24/7. i'm sorry if your mom didn't give you the attention you needed as a child, which might explain why you're so angry, obsessive and childish.
to go on, i think he tries to put emnity between my mom and i putting her in the middle of his personal problems with me. personally, i'd love to talk about this like an adult, make some changes if necessary, move on and become friends or at least friendly. since he wouldn't come to me, i would go to him and we just end up arguing, because he can't give me decent answers to simple questions, which also leads me to believe that there is an alterior motive to his behavior. jealous? yeah...very (not me, him).
enough about him, it's just pissing me off thinking about it.
aside from that drama, i'm actually doing really well. i don't have lots of money, but i'm happy here. i don't have that many friends here anymore that i'm in contact with since i've been away for a couple of years, but i'm definitely making old connections again. i just hope my ex doesn't find out i'm in town and try to surprise me with a visit.
still looking for a job. i thought it was kinda funny how i was looking for a job in the bay area for so long, finally got one and then had to quit because i had to move. hahahaha. so here i am back at square one.
another thing i laugh at and get pissed at is my life. i swear that someone up in the sky likes to fuck with me. he sets up this puzzle for me, and just when i'm about to solve it, he changes it all around. that's my life. i start to figure something out and then everything changes...same kinda puzzle, different route. the main theme is money. money and stability. things are so up and down. if they're up, they're way up. if they're down, they're way down. everytime i try to go one route in my life...it looks like i should go that way, but then when i get there, it's either not what i thought or i like it and it just vanishes before eyes. when get in tight situations that call for quick thinking and ideas, i come up with a few things and everything i try almost works out but then ends up fucking me in the ass. it's funny after the fact, but going through it is the most frustrating thing in the world.
that's ok...one day, i'll have my day...my lucky break. but, for now, i just have to work towards it. so, for now, wish me good luck and the energy to accomplish it all. that and some damn motivation. i guess if what i've been through isn't motivation enough, i'll have to be living on the streets to be able to snap me into reality and get my ass moving.
i live life one day at a time while still thinking about the big picture. it's not easy.
current mood: cheerful
current music: Miles Davis - Freddie Freeloader
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| Wednesday, October 17th, 2001
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1:31 am - life is funny
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i'd like to quote puff daddy, or should i say p-diddy, when i say "mo money mo problems." i'm not quoting that because i think it's true or that it applies to me. that definitely doesn't correlate to my life in any way, shape or form. "mo money" for me means not having to worry about where my next meal will come from, how i'm going to pay off debts, loans, bills, rent from month to month. i could fill a phone book with what i could add to that list. i would like to rephrase that quote and say "no money, more problems."
of course, people say that money isn't the key to happiness and i totally agree. i've been broke as shit and still had fun. when you have things to pay for, that money really comes in handy in saving your ass. i'm not talking about paying off a loan shark in fear of getting killed or coming up with money you owe to some drug dealer. i'm referring to paying for a lifestyle. mine isn't lavish by any means, but it's what i've made for myself. everyone in this world constructs their own little bubble they call life. some like to change up their bubbles every so often and some like to keep the bubble they have and just add to it and refine it.
my bubble is my home. if i'm comfortable at home, i love the place i live in and want to be there, i want to keep it. a home for me is a retreat from the rest of the world. i could have a bad day, feel like shit, etc, but as long as i can come home to the place i love most, i'll be just fine. i'm in my element, i can do what i want, when i want to, how i want to and just get lost in the moment. i'm sure you all know how i feel. everyone needs a place they can go when they're either stressed out or feeling down and out; even just for mere relaxation. you could liken it to a safety blanket.
the things i have bring me comfort. for everyone, the things that bring them comfort are different. for me, i like reading, learning new things (especially when it comes to computers), smoking herb, hanging out with friends, making music (via trombone), listening to music, working on a meaningful and fulfilling project. i can't think of anything else that relaxes me. what helps me relax is the setting. my room, i customized with the things i like: my TV, my futon, pillows, blankets, clothes, closet, old books, new books, shelves, pipes, bongs, bubblers, nightstand, phone, cable modem line, entertainment center, speakers, radio, cdplayer, walkman, trombone, sheet music, CDs, pictures, memories of times past, my wall, ceiling and door decoration, clothes hamper, magazines (not porn...you can get that on the internet for free anyway), computer desk complete with a hutch, ergonomic chair, mini skateboard, my plant, my little homie action figures, ashtray, trash can, surge protector, external zip drive, computer, CD software, and light fixutres. all of this i acquired by myself. either i got them for free, found them, bought them, received them as gifts, they're mine and they're the things i enjoy and keep around me. these things aren't my life and they are certainly not me, but to an extent they represent me. they aren't a measure of what kind of person i am, nor are my possessions sacred, but they do have meaning, value and their place in my life. some things i've had for years, somethings i've recently acquired. no matter, these things i cherish.
where i keep these things is also important to me. if my place was a 3 bedroom house with a spa and pool, or if it was just a small room in the middle of nowhere, it's still my place, my retreat, my home; where i lay my head down and sleep every night. call me materialistic, but i like nice things. you can't tell me that if you could sleep on a more comforatble bed, that you wouldn't. you can't say to me that if someone offered you more things, that you wouldn't take it. i know this may sound like i'm comparing apples and oranges, but why would you take the more comfortable bed or the free stuff? because society, media, marketers, business has taught us to
want these things. and to your dismay, you're a product of society, as am i. we want these things at some level; some more than others. why do you think people go out of their way to get money? nuff said.
in this world, in this life, in this country, if you want to do anything, you need money. to live, you need money. to get food, you need money. to use or purchase transportation, you need money. to have a place to live, you need money. to do ANYTHING, you need money. so you have to play the game set up by the rulers and leadership of this world, country, whatever. if you don't, you miss your boat.
ever since i was a kid, i've been poor so i've come to expect a lot out of myself. i'm a capable guy. i have a head on my shoulders and it works (sometimes). i can do anything i put my mind to. with that, i should be able to accomplish whatever i set out to do and do it good. maybe it was the way i was raised, but i've always pushed myself to be the best, to come out on top, to be number 1. i'm just competitive in a way. it's not a power thing, it's just an interest of mine.
i constantly disappoint myself. i messed up college, i've probably messed up my relationships with girls, i messed up schooling in general, i messed up my music career, my work career, my old religious affiliations and family relations. when the only person you can count on fails you, you get disappointed; discouraged. that person just happens to be me. i take a wrong turn here or blindly go down a road without checking traffic reports, street signs, the road itself, or anything else pretaining for that matter. i just hope it's the road i should be on just because it sounds like a good idea at the time.
today, i feel like my whole world i've setup for myself is about to get shaken. i've lost quite a few things. i haven't been shaken personally, i'm fine and i'll go on. but my comfort, my home, my retreat, my little bubble is cracking. i'm using cheap glue to keep it from completely bursting, but it just cracks in new spots that i wasn't expecting. i'm just trying to keep the bubble together until i get enough money to buy some industrial-sized glue and seal the bubble for good. if i want to get a new bubble later on, it will be on my terms and not because it broke from all around me. i'm sure there are cracks in the bubble that are more important than others to fix, but maybe i'm misjudging them, therefore making the bubble weaker because i'm not fixing the right parts.
my world is falling apart before my eyes and it feels like the hands of time have wrapped me and my bubble into it's grasp, ready to clamp down and smash my bubble at any minute. i've had the ability to hold back time for a little while and save me some room, but that ability is lacking. there is still a small window of opportunity of hope to fix everything and get back on track, but it's slim. i've drained most of my resources and can't come up with too many other options. my window of opportunity was much bigger, but for some reason, instead of opening it and walking through it, i closed it a little more, making it harder than before.
when i get feelings about things, they're generally right. these are my gut instincts. call them premonitions, if you will. i have a bad feeling. i won't let that stop me from trying though, because if i didn't try, i would be giving into that feeling; the feeling of helplessness and abandonment. i would feel helpless to my sitaution, thinking there's nothing i can do stop the inevitable. i would be abandoning ship before the ship finished sinking. i would be giving up on myself; selling myself short of my capabilities. i've been through rough times, and i've been able to pull through for myself in the clutch (with a little help sometimes). so, i'll keep myself optimistic and let my brain wander with ideas for the future. maybe i can make my own glue and save my bubble from shattering into tiny pieces. on the flip side, i still have to think about the possibility of losing everything. i have to be prepared for that, because it's a definite reality and an easy reality to acheive. at this point, i've made too many wrong moves that i can't take back. i just have to use my bad moves to make the best of my situation. that's all i can do.
"no money, mo problems." if i had money, i wouldn't have these problems. if i had money, i'd have other problems. i'd trade in a new set of problems just to get rid of the ones that plague me now. this will probably make me a better person, and i'll most likely learn a thing or two from this whole ordea and i know i'll be just fine in the end, but if i can get past this, i'll be that much more happy. i can do this! i just have to rely on me and no one else, because if someone else fucks up, then i'm screwed, but if i handle everything, at least i know where my priorities are.
life doesn't suck, life isn't unfair, i don't hate myself and i certainly don't want a new life. i just want get past this all. i want to wake up one day and have everything i'm worrying about just disappear into thin air, never to return again. that's fantasy and fiction. that doesn't happen in real life. if i can get through these current times, i'll be pleasantly pleased. if not, then i'll just count my losses, move on and start over again from square one. let the game of life begin!
current mood: disappointed
current music: the music in my head
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| Monday, October 1st, 2001
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7:09 pm
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lethargic