Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in sIroIs' LiveJournal:

Monday, August 27th, 2001
8:34 pm	non friend I hate the ib program. No, no, rather i FUCKING hate the ib program. Those that arent familiar with this cunning tool of satan should be glad, but ill explain it anyway so the rest will make some sense. Smart people take honers classes in high school, reealy smart people take ap classes, masochistic people take ib -- and for NO reason. Ive come to the conclusion that i wont pass ib, im gonna end up going to daytona beach community collage to get my ged. This is week number 3 of my senior year of ib. Its too late to pull out now, i have a 3500 word essay due on alaxander the great due next tuesday, i have 289 words right now. This is the first time ive been online for real since school started. Im so burnt out. I wanna shot myself in the face while wearing a Kurt Cobain shirt, or maybe an ib shirt so the religous people can blame it on the program and stamp it out before it ruins others lives. Well ok, i guess its not so bad except for this f-ing essay. And that its eating up all my time with friends. Speaking of which theres one friend that ive especially been missing in my life. . . In 6th grade i eventually knew everyone in my class (bc even though we had 7 periods they all had the same kids in them) except for one. Ive never been good at making new friends at all, especially at that stage of my life right after my Dad died, but one day i overheard that kid i never really thought twice about talking about comic books to someone. I didnt know anyone, save robby, who liked comic books, and no one that would admit it in the pretentious middle school arena. I turned around and we started talking a little. This was when i met Nick McMullen. Later it turned out that we had a mutual friend named josh ameral. Eventually the four of us became friends (along with robby), but i never really crossed the accuatence line with him until i invited him to spend the night for my birthday one year along with josh and robby. Josh and i planned to put weird things on robby and take pictures of him while he slept and nick got in on the sceme. It was gerat fun (i still have the pictures for anyone intrested) but then rob went quickly back to sleep and josh did too, but nick and i were kept awake in our own giddiness. I kind of binded between giggles. Our friendship grew and i really considered him a 'best' friend. I invited him to universal with my mom and my brother (well kind of since he was still in utero) and i had a lot of fun. Ive always loved his insane sense of humour and i think that hes really inspired and even nurtured my sense of humour, which is something that i cant imagine living without. Then right before i went into high school my uncle taught me the splenders of D&D.; I was entralled and i had to get players. Robby was an obvious choice since i was in a life long campaign to geek-ify him, but that was about the only one of my friends that would be into it, or so i thought. Before our second game Nick somehow found out about it and approched me about playing. I was amazed he had even heard about it. Since then he played in almost every game and i became even closer to him as we played almost every weekend. Then in freshmen year robby abandoned me. Robby, being my best friend ever since 1st grade, had just always been there, and it was really diffucult for me to have no one to really turn to, to confide in. I want to tell you readers a little secret: not many people ever really liked me, maybe i never really let them, but i had almost no friends in middle school and few in early high school years (almost none in the hellish sophmore year) but even if you count what small amount of friends i had, i couldnt really feel comfortable around any of them, except one. Nick was there for me. We played D&D;, just the two of us for the better part of a year, as robby became unreliable and continued ignoring us. I love Nick so much for that time he spent with me, when no one else gave a crap about me. Like really love him, there are very few people i can say that i truly love but Nick would definatly qualify. It felt like the whole world was rejecting me but it wasnt so bad because i could still play D&D; with Nick and feel, i dont know, i guess wanted. Then Nick started hanging out with all the quote 'goth' kids, which ill have to say i felt pretty intiminated by. Robby was back by that time and Nick eased us into the open mindedness that i have today. And i really want to thank him for that if for nothing else, teaching me not to care about what other people think. By junior year rob and i became friends with a lot of the quote 'goth' kids that Nick became friends with in out absence. One in particular, holly, even started dating Nick. When i first heard about Nick of all people getting a girlfriend my heart sank, we were always supposed to be rejects together. I kind of felt, selfishly, that he would ignore me like rob had. He spent a little less time with rob and i but the time i saw him holly i knew that he was truly happy, so i quickly lost my jealously and dumb abandonment feelings. And after a while i got asked out too. Even with his girlfriend i cant remember Nick ever canceling on a D&D; day. So our friendship was still going strong, even for the brief period that i thought his girlfriend hated me (which im pretty sure now was just paronoia). Then near the end of the year (whithin days of hearing of my Grandfather) i hear hes been shiped to gainsville because he has a crazy disease called aplastic anemia (sp?). He wouldnt be back that year. It took me a long time to contact him. Again because im a coward. I was scared of talking to him. Eventually i tried but he was sleeping or in treatments the first few tries i made. Eventually i made it through, and we talked for a very long time, maybe two or three hours. But that was the only time i talked to him. I went to a fundraising benefit in his honer and gave blood, but i never gave the important support. My time. Ive never visited him yet. I wanted to visit, but i just trusted in robby to take me, i never really tried on my own accord. And im just so stupidly afriad of calling him. He had a bone marrow transplant and hes supposedly better (not that id know) but he wont be out of the hospital for some time yet. He might come home kind of soon, but i dont know how i can face him. Hes such a better person than i am. He gave me support when i needed it, but when he really needed someone i was too afriad. Just sometimes it hits me all of a sudden -- hey wheres Nick?? And i remember what an ass ive been. I really miss him. I cant even fathom how strong he is to deal with all of this crap hes gone through. Hopefully i can see him and appologize when he comes home soon, and we can just fall back to our old ways and forget about my abandonment of him. I just hate myself sometimes, i wish i could just give Nick a giant terresque sized hug - then wed start mock-humping like we always do. And i wonder why i never had that many friends? Current Mood: guilty Current Music: veruca salt (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 3rd, 2001
7:37 am	unloved CAUTION!! i advise all of my friends to aviod reading this entry. especially Melissa. The human race is headed toward extinction. Not due to polution, or global warming, or a comet, but due to homosexuals. Please dont get me wrong, i dont hate homosexuals, i dont fear them, or think theyre disgusting, i dont think that they choose to be how they are. Few of my good friends are straight (about three actually). I would never preach to a homosexual to try to change his/her ways. I dont find it offensive or wrong in any way really. If youre in love with someone why should it matter what their genitals look like? As long as you love them. But what if a bisexual gets in a realtionship? Shes not really bi anymore is she? Not if shes really in love. If shes in true love than they become gay or straight - because they wont be looking for anyone else. If they still call themselves bisexual after commiting its like them saying that theyre waiting for the next better thing to come along - wether it be male or female. Thats the problem with bisexuals. I guess not really a problem so much a concern of mine. A concern compounded by the fact that my own girlfriend, going on ten months, still says shes bisexual. Compounded emensly more so by the fact that shes never had any expirences with a girl before. Now even if she did love me its jsut like im holding her back. This concern escalated into terror a week or so after our 5th month anniversery. Right after i told her that i loved her. She was having a sleep over with one of her good friends. Late in the night she fondled the girl for 'under two minultes' in the confort of her own room, but mel had the dececy to wake her up first so that she could enjoy it. Do you know how kids can 'grow out of' being afraid of the monster under the bed? Its pretty simple actually: even though they can be deathly, deathly afraid of the monster, they eventually realize its just a figment of their imaginations because it never attacks them. But what if it nibbled at their toes? What if it took their legs while they were sleeping? Or what if it took their heart? My concern grew to terror. I forgave her, because i did love her. But i could never forget. Here is a very bitter poem of sorts that i wrote right after the expirence: I almost died this morning. My bleeding body lied helpless and shaking in bed, naked and scared. The blood is on your hands. It stains your arms as well, for you had to twist and slither until you found the heart. You went up my shirt and under my skin, ripping and tearing until it was yours, and then you thought about my feelings. My desperate naive feelings. Dropped everything and came to my rescue in the rain. Did you have to tell me so bad or did you want me to feel sorry for you? You came dripping rain and left dripping red. I lie next to old blood. Blood you promised never to spill again. Cried and begged me to forgive. It hurt, but I did because I saw potential. I saw potential in the last one, too. The one I became too attached to, the one that threw me in the pit. The pit I slowly dug out of. The stone pit that made my nails and my wrists bleed. I thought that I loved her. But I loved you even more. More than I thought possible, and I thought I could love you even more. I even thought you loved me back. Can love even exist without reciprocity? I guess it can. But you promised never to spill it again. You promised. Even then I thought about escaping, but it was early. It was only flirting. But you said it! You told me what you shouldn’t have, not when you do this. I thought unexpressed emotions would not be something to take lightly. I thought we were over destroying each other. I thought someone cared for me. But I was wrong. Infinitely wrong. The slashing cut open my eyes. You said it. You lied. What else didn’t you mean? How many lies have you sharpened? When you’re alone and not around me what do you really find? Your friends I suppose. Why the fuck are you crying! Did you fucking cry when you felt her up on the floor? Did she like it? Was it rewarding? What were you thinking for those “two minutes?” Was it good for you, you fucking cunt? Does she remind you more of me or Ryan? What else would you have done? Should I still take you back now? Can I deal with someone like you? Two-faced bitch! Fuck you! Do I even want a whore to lie to me anymore just to lie with another? Do I even want you anymore? Are you even worth the trouble? Yes. These gashes can heal, eventually. Their scars will be so much larger than your first lacerations. The blood will dry, but it will stain like the rest. I’m going to try to keep my heart, until I think its safe again to loan. I guess I’m stupid. Fucking stupid. Fucking naive. My head tells me to run and never look back, but that will only lead to my pit, and this one is much much deeper. One I can’t see myself climbing out of. My heart is still sore, it was beginning to heal, but now its so numb I can’t even tell if its there. Its screaming is a sickly whisper, pleading for me to offer more chances. Ten, a thousand, a million, how ever much you need. But I can’t do that. I’ll compromise and give you one. Just one. So I’ll give you your second last chance and hope that you’ll never use another. I don’t appreciate being used and I won’t take anymore lies. Maybe you should think hard, and find out if you’re really looking for love or convenient companionship. Yeah, i know, pretty bitter, but it had a happy ending, because i forgave her. She was too special. I still think about it quite often, and just typing it out has gotten me choked up. But i still forgive her. Im not worth it. I should let her do what ever she wants. Experiment alittle like her sister suggested. Her sister also called me an 'asshole' for getting so worked up over it. Im sure alot of you reading this will think the same. And youre probably right. Im not that special, i dont know why she would want me over Anyone else. Why anyone would. But it still hurts. It still hurts everyday. Recently she told me that she doesnt find men attractive at all. No men. Never has, and probably never will. I dont know why she would say this unless it were true. I call this lesbianism, she calls me an asshiole. I wrote a poem about this too actually, just recently: She said that she loved me. Their eyes meet. Crystaline green eyes stare at forbidden fruit only wishing to see more. Her hands reach up to the furit’s shoulders and pull the staps aside. She drops the bra to the floor and she puts her hands on her fruit’s hips, perhaps too eagerly. She slips her fingers underneath her panties and glides them around untill they meet each other in the back. She hesitates and looks into her friut’s eyes again to hear her whisper an affermation. She pull them down over her friut’s lusterously contoured backside and gides the front down in a like fashoin with her thumbs. As they are pealed away from her moist genitals her fruit breathes in sharply and closes her eyes. She can’t stop thinking It was a lie. How beautiful she looks. Her newly bare fruit unlaches the straps with a womanly finesse that she is unused to. It makes her hot, hotter than she knew she could get. She is wetter than her fruit before she gets her panities off. When they are both naked and wet and can’t stand not touching each other they embrace. Their mouthes open together and their arms hold each other tight. She loves the feel of naked breasts against her own and they fall on to the bed. Their legs wrap around one another and their juices mingle together. The kisses were A substitute to hold her over until somthing truly satisfing came. Wet and soft, just how she always imagined a woman’s kiss. The kind she fantisized about so much. Her friut moved away from her lips and down to her erect nippels. She breathed on them gently and moved away. Then she came back and grazed her breast, and moved away a second time. She traced with her fingers down to her breast and over her nipples. Her friut’s teasing put her in divine agony until she finally started to caress her breast and fondle her nipples. She loved The things I couldn’t give her. The feeling of her nipples being pinched and her friut seemed very talented at it. She felt the wet and strong tounge over her left nipple now, her less sensitive one. Then it was surrounded by her fruit’s proficiant mouth. She was sucking and licking her nipples at the same time, quck and hard like she loved it. She began to breathe quicker and she let out a low moan of pleasure. When she thought that she couldn’t bare it anymore her friut moved to her other breast and began again. When her nipples and her entire body was worn out with the pleasure her fruit rose her mouth away from her breast, but her toungue reamined firm on her nipple. It swirled around and started traveling down her body. It came to her vagina and gathered the juices from her lips. It went from the bottom and moved up slowly getting wider and pushing farther inside. When it got to the top she jumped and gasped in plesureable surprize. Then her tounge went back and moved back and forth over her clitoris. Slowly at first, but then qucker and qucker. She started moaning loudly now, and uncontrolably. She squirmed about the bed but her partner never came out, she only went faster. At one point she tried to force her out, but her friut didn’t seem to notice for it only provoked her to lick faster. She grabbed the friut’s head to pull her hair but could only force her head farther in. She wrapped her legs tightly around her friut’s shoulders and arched her back up as far as it would go. She felt her groin pulsate and contract as she rolled her eyes back and bit her lip. She felt an overwhelming release that traveled to every nerve of her body. She could only accompany it with an ear-piercing scream of pleasure. She relaxed her back and fell back onto the bed in ecstacy. Her vagina throbed sweatly and her friut smiled at her and asked if she’d like to do it again. She closed her eyes and thought that these Were the only things she desired. I hope everyone understands this and sees the necceitly of the graphic telling, if youre turned on by this imagine my pain as i wrote this imagining her being turned on ONLY by this. I bring up the subject of her desire quite often with her. Maybe because i dont think that i deserve her and hearing her talk about how she can only masterbate to women, and can only even be turned on by a sexual act if it involves only women reminds me of the fact. Maybe im wishing for her to just one day say, "women? no i dont really like them anymore, its just you that i love." But i know thatll never happen, and even if it does it wont be honest. I masocistically tried to make her describe what she thinks about when she mastebates. I was kind of hoping it was something i could emulate, but she broke the news that she always thinks of the same thing - her going down on a woman. Theres no possible way for me to emmulate that. No way to fullfill her desires. I dont understand why shes with me. Shes made it clear there is no physical attraction for her. The only thing i can gather is that shes in love with my company. Shes with me to aviod being alone. I came up with this theory right after her 'good night' (see that last sentence of the first poem.) Im jsut wondering how long itll be before she finds a woman to love. You may be asking why im still with her if i know shell just dump me eventually. The fact is that i do love her. More than anyone else ive expirenced. I love her enough that im happy even when were not together, because in a way we are together. I love being with her, but i can stand being without her. But she has to be with me to love me. For one night she had a sleep over and forgot all about me. I couldnt let her go, and trust me ive tried. Every time i thought of breaking it off i just thought of all the joy that shes brought me, and i think to myself that i can bear this cross. So when i hear of raina rose, or ai14, or Nikki it does cause me emence and undescribable pain, and even more fear, but i take it for the hope of it getting better. I just bundle it all onto some remote desert island in my phyche, and paddle away from it. I can usually lose it, but its always just on the horizon, and occationally i get washed ashore. Current Mood: cynical Current Music: silence save my own damned ocational crying (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
11:11 pm	Good bye We called my grandfather 'Poppy' because when my older cousen was about one year old (and i was about to be born) he was starting to speak, and while he could say mommom quite well, he couldnt quite manage poppop, only Poppy, and it stuck. When i was three years old my parents got divorced. I can still remember it clearly, but i wont go into that, the important part is that my mom realized that she could not support us both on her training nurse's salary, so we moved back into her parents house - mommom and Poppy. I lived there for three and a half years about and it was great. Males intiminated me at that point in my life due to what my father had done and so i barely spoke to Poppy that much taht i can remember when i was in Pennsylvannia. He had been diagnosed with diabeties probably a decade before my birth and had stopped drinking before any of his children were married, which, from the stories, was very difficult for him. Eventually they grew tired of the temperate clime and decided to move down to Florida as thier youngest son had done. When they left they GAVE their house to my mother. Even with no morgage to pay my mother was going to collage to get her LPN (licenced practical nursing) degree, and she had no babysitter, so before too long we had to pack up and jump on the band wagon to Florida. She sold the house and gave the money to my grandparents (which they descretely gave back to her peirodically). We lived in my uncles (the youngest brother remember?) house where i eventually came to realize that all male figures were not like my father was due to my uncles presence. When we had enough money we struck out on our own and my mom got an apartment. Between elementary school, daycare, and one of my moms seldom off-days i went to my grandparents, which ended up being every weekend and quite more. I was pretty close to my grandparents when i was living with them in PA but this constant quality time made us quite close. I cant say how close anyone else is to their grandparents but id wager that i have at least an above average bond with them. My grandfather knew what happened with my father and he tried to infuse within me the paternal memories that saturate most sons lives, even when i faught it. Because of his fatherlike ways i was subconsiously afraid to connect in fear of more severence, but if Poppy is one thing he is not a quiter! He never stoped taking me places. A favorite of his was fishing trips. He liked to fish from dry land so we usually ended up fishing from some pier (THE PIER, if u live in the daytona beach area). I was quite afraid of many things at this point of my life and live bait was pretty high on the list. So hed have to bait both his and my line. This was where i feel we bonded. I eventually broke down my barriers and forged a relationship with him. His way of showing love was to kiddingly poke fun at others and have the other poke back. This is probably what fostered my sense of humor and taught me to take things more lightly. We cracked on each other for close to 8 years, but he never hurt my feelings. When i was still learning my Xs tables in school, i was struggling alot. He was a master of math, along with most of the rest of my family (unfourunatly i get the recesive genes it seems) but he made flash cards - couldnt have been less than 500 - and took time out of his day to quzz me on them dayly. I didnt quite enjoy it at the time but when i started to get As in math i appreciated it. He did the same with spelling, my other weak subject (as it still is, see above. . . and below). When i was in middle school Poppy had serious heart problems. He had to have his heart bypassed - 3 times, but then he seemed to recover quite rapidly and greatly. He stopped smoking and started walking every day and swimming. Through middle school i was still very close to mommom and Poppy. After his best friend and fishing partner died of heart failure he only went fishing twice more in his life, but we still did things together, we still cracked - more than ever to both of our enjoyment - and every once and a while he would sit me down and share some life expirences or advice with me. During the next few years we would see each other about once a month at least due to our grand family birthdays (that i discribed in an earlier entry i believe), and theyd come to visit ocationally I remember he would sometimes drive me to school and hed wait until we got to a residential area or simular road with not much pedestrians nor traffic, then hed act like he forgot how to drive and would speed up erractically and swerve around. The first time was frightening but after that it was quite amusing. He still did it a cuple times when i was in middle school but not that much. Near the end of my freshmen year he did it for the last time, and it brought me back. I dont know why i enjoyed it so much. . . Probably about my sophmore year he was diagnosed with skin cancer. He had to go to chemo theripy but they got it once only for it to come back about a year later. He had to be operatied on this time, and they took away part of his nose so that it looked like one of his nostrils were closed. But after that they said the cancer was gone. Then we come to the begining of this year. This was the year that i met my girlfriend Melissa and quite alot of other intresting friends. I started dragging Mel to our family birthdays and my grandparents (surprisingly) and especally Poppy (even more surprizingly) took a strong liking to her. During Spring Break i didnt have much to do. I thought itd be a nice idea to visit my grandparents with Mel and see if we might be able to swim in their comunity pool sometime and talk to them for awhile. It seemed that they were quite surprised to see us. They showered us with gifts and intresting conversation(well for me, and quite unintresting conversation for Mel) for a few hours. Later they called my mom and explained how touched they were that i had visited them, and that i was the first of the many grandchildren to visit them on the childs own accord. That made me pretty happy and a little more guily for all the cookies that i ate. A couple weeks later was Poppy's 75th birthday and i snuck into their house while they were out and left him a birthday card. It wished him a happy 105th birthday. He called me and thanked me for it, it seemed that he had gotten a chuckle out of it. A few months after that Poppy's health started to decline. He was diagnosed with lung cancer, and went in and out of the hospital. I visited him with my mom a few times, but sometimes it was hard to see him like that. Just before school let out we got the news that his lung cancer was terminal - the couldnt remove it and they could barely slow it down. They gave him 6 months to live. The next day i found out one of my two best friends, Nick, was seriously ill. Not a good time to be me. He spent almost the entire summer in the hospital as his condition worsened. I was deathly afraid of seeing him. I selfishly didnt want to see him in that state. I put off seeing him until my mom told me that he was getting much worse and taht hed soon be sent home with hospice. For those unfamiliar with hospice its the service that is provided when nothing else can be done. They send the patient home with a nurse so that he/she can die with their family. I forced myself to visit on his last day in the hospital. It was quite hard. No one was there when i came. He was eating lunch, barely. His arms were skin, bone, and bruses. He was getting his last blood transfusion - any more would keep him alive unnecasarily. His hands shook uncontrolably at all times. He could barely drink through a straw and it took him several attempts to get any drink. I tried to talk to him, and prevent myself from crying. He was very conherent. He asked me about my kidney stone, and Melissa. He said he was fond of Melissa and commented on how happy he was for me, and how proud he was. He could barely understand anything i said because he couldnt wear his hearing aids in the hospital for some reason. After nibbling at his lunch he asked me to move it. He coughed into a washcloth. I didnt talk much to him due to his difficulty hearing and my difficulty holding back tears. He asked why i wasted my gas if i wasnt even going to talk to him. He was cracking on my again. I smiled and shrugged. I could feel my lip begining to quiver, and my eyes teared up. He laid down and went to sleep. I think it was an act though, because even though he pretended not to notice im sure he could tell i was trying not to cry in front of him. I kissed him on the forehead and gave him a light hug, then i left. I made it to the hospital bathroom before i brokedown. I cried there for quite awhile then went downstairs and to the parking lot. Thankfully it was raining outside. Then i drove home crying. It was the lonliest drive of my life. When he came home they gave him a couple more weeks to live. My Uncle and Aunt that live in Philly Pa drove down with their kids who i hadnt seen for 4 or 5 years. It was suspected that Poppy was holding for their arrival to come before he passed. He was now bedridden. I went to visit on the day that my cousin, Sarah - came down. Sarah and i didnt know what to really do. We stayed in his room and kind of talked to him a little. The next few days i continued to visit him regularly and he became worse and worse. My Uncles wife, Beth was with him while i was in the room at one point. Poppy said to her that he had seen her father the last night. Her father, Walt had dies two years ago, and they were good friends. He said that Walt would come pick him up soon. He also said he saw Michal, and that Michal told him that everything would be okay, and that there was a place for him. Poppy name was Joseph Michel King. He was named after the archangel Michel. He also saw the person who was pope when he was born. Poppy had renounced Chathosism but had just been baptized as a baptist. The pope said there was no hard feelings and that everyone was happy about his dicision to believe in God again. On Sunday evening i got a call from my mom who had been spending the night at my grandparents along with the rest of his children. She said that he might go that night. So my uncle drove me over. I sat with him and held his hand. I wanted so bad to tell him what i said at the begining of this entry. That he had been like a father to me, that he had helped me become a better man, even though i resented him for it at first. I wanted to tell him how much a loved him and how proud i was of him, but every time i tried id just cry esterically. He couldnt really talk. He could swallow and move one of his hands slightly. He couldnt even open both of his eyes, but he still knew what was going on. I know because hed look all about with that one eye, and everytime he made contact with me the corners of his open mouth would turn up in a smile, everytime. It was so beutiful I had to leave. I went out to the porch and talked with my mom and aunt for awhile. Out on the porch i noticed a large black worm crawling towards the steps of the house. I stared at it for quite a long time. It occured to me that this was an omen - death was comeing to him. I pointed the worm out to my mom and said that i wanted to kill it. I wanted to kill it to keep death away from him. But my mom stopped me, she thought that i was just afraid of the creature, and said that it wasnt bothering anyone and to let it go about its course. So i watched it. And i realized that death was enevitable, and natural. That keeping it from its course would only harm. And i watched it and realized the enivatible. When it reached the step it started trying to go up the first of two steps. I couldnt watch it any longer. By 3 in the morning the hospice nurse said hed live through the night and that we should all get some sleep. I went in to see Poppy again and say Goodbye. I told him i was leaving and that id miss him. It seemed that he was sleeping. I kissed his forehead and squeezed his hand. The next day the kids that came down went to adventure landing water park and so did i along with Mel and my other best friend robby and his grilfriend. It was a good way to keep our minds off other things. Before we left we went to Poppy's. The pastor of my church and the one who saved Poppy came over and we all talked about Poppy with him. Eventually we all went to his bed and held hands arond him and prayed for him to go easily to a better place and such. When the pastor was done he asked Poppy if he has heard every word, and he shook his head weakly but affermedly. I said Goodbye to Poppy and kissed his forehead. He looked at me with his one eye and smiled again. Robby tried to talk to me about it a little at the water park which was kind of counter productive since i was trying not to think about it - but it was also good because it showed me people about side our family knew him and might miss him too. Tuesday i stayed home. Today Mel came to my house early, after her school orientation. At around 4 my mom called me and said that he died shortly after 2 o clock that afternoon. My moms boyfriend came and got me and we all had dinner and reminiced, laughed and cried. Then i came home. Then i cried more. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: kissed by a rose - seal (Comment on this)
Monday, July 23rd, 2001
1:46 am	Wow! I have so many 'worst experiences' in my life but the last few hours will always be remembered as one of the best times of my entire life. I dont even know where to start or even how to explain in words at all. I spend the last two days at my best friend, Robby's house. We played D&D; and did other nerdy things and i got $15 dollars to boot! Haha. But after that i say a musical and then i went to a family birthday thing. It was a party for two of my uncles at once and pretty much everyone was there, even my uncle's son from the airforce came. Well, family get togeathers arent very exciting but theyre fun because of all of my little cousens ranging in age from 1-6. I love playing with them and such, and to make things much better my girlfriend came too. She was wearing a black velvet dress that had a rose vine pattern over it. It just gave me a warm feeling being surrounded by all my family, who all were obligated to be nice and loving during the get together. And seeing Mel play with my cousens made me just feel good inside. When we left Mel came back to my house, and i was just floating. I just had a great feeling of love for her. We went to my den and i put on all the music that made me feel happy. My 3-disk changer had Our Lady Piece, Matchbox 20, and Foo-Fighters in it, 'Walking after you' is kind of in a way 'our song,' and to make things even crazier it was our 9 month anniversity. I just felt like doing something for her. I asked what she wanted and, typically, she had no idea. After some badgering she told me to massage her feet, which i did until she almost feel asleep. During this i was thinking that i just wanted to have her in my arms, and just feel her, and be next to her, hearing her breathe for the rest of my life. I went up and kissed her and told her what i was thinking. She was awake and we kissed more. Then i took off her dress and the rest of her clothes and just looked at how beautiful she was. I didnt really have any kind of sex on my mind, which is strange for an 18 year old, especially staring at his naked girlfriend. Then she sat in my lap (by now my shirt was off too) and we kissed again. This was one of those kisses where youre so in synch that you start to breathe through each others mouthes. We shared each others very breath, and it was great. Not only are you so close to the person that you can breath for each other but the deep breaths make you light-headed and . . . great. But then it turned out that it was almost 12 - her curfue. She tried to stop but i wouldnt let her, i kept trying to kiss her more, and she must not have wanted to leave either because she kept kissing me back. Eventually she was on me and (dammit! theres no better way to say this) she was dry humping me. I couldnt really feel anything, due to think jeans, but its nice to have people try to please you, even if theyre not, so i concentrated on her breathing which was possibly even better than if i was feeling it. She was putting all of her effort into it and was getting really tired, so i switched her places and went on top, i took off my think jeans and did the same thing she was doing (calm down, i still had underwear) But not for very long because it was past 12 now and thats kinda dangerous to do. She put on her panties, i put on my shorts, and we met standing up. I kissed her again in spite of her horrible tardiness. Then i just hugged her and kind of moved from side to side. This, this was the best part of the night. I held her to me, both of us bare-chested, and we just kind of slow danced to nothing at all. I was overcome with so much love for her that i got a little misty eyed and lost a tear. I his it from her and after what seemed like the most perfect forever she let go and got her bra from the floor. When she came back up i noticed that she had a stream of wetness down the left side of her face. She realized that i noticed and hid her face in her hands, embarassed. I picked her head up and kissed the line of tears and embraced her once more then we got our things togeather and left. On the ride home i turned off the radio. I was in such a natural high that i didnt want any music effecting my mood in anyway. I walked her to her door and embraced her yet again. This one was the hardest one to end for i knew itd be the last one of the night. I left but ran back to kiss her one more time before i finally drove away. It was 1am then, but to me at least, it was quite worth it. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Foo-Fighters - walking after you (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
9:52 pm	sigh BLah. Mels out with her sister AGAIN. I was hoping to go see her at 730 but here it is 952 and shes still not home apparently. Hope shes having fun. . . Current Mood: rejected Current Music: ks choice - not an addict (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 14th, 2001
9:36 pm	sibling rivalry HI, again. Im still recovering from my kidney stone but i have more important issues than that at the moment. Well, i suppose i should give a little background before i delve into my feelings for today. Ive been going out with my current girlfriend, for almost 9 months now. The relationship has definatley had its ups and downs, but for the most part its been great. Shes really a wonderful and special girl, and i dont know what id do without her. Of course, nothing is easy. Her immediate family: mom, dad, & sister all hate me to one degree or another. Her father isnt really bad, he stays neutral in almost all cercumstances. Her mother, while being over protective to the extreme, isnt so bad either (well, in most cases). But the major problem lays in her sister. Her sister who is 19-20 has thankfully moved out of the house, but still manages to wreck havok in my life. My first encounter with her was over the phone. I was feeling particualarly tired and it perhaps caused me to be in a stranger mood than usual. Before my conversation with the sister, Mel and i were talking about cercumcisims, when suddenly that phone was handed over to her sister. I was given the 'dont hurt my little sister or ill rip your throat out' lecture, but the memorable part came at the end, as she was handing the phone back to my gf, i told her not to worry because i was circumcised. Well, i thought that was pretty funny, but apparently she didnt, because the next day her sister informed her mom of the telephonic encounter and warned her against letting my gf do anything with me. And a warning from her sis about bad men should never be taken lightly. She had quite a reputation through high school. After learning of what their other daugter did right under thier noses its no wonder her parents dont trust me. Although, they absolutly loved her last boyfriend, who she was even more quick with surprisingly. Anyway it seems that she reeeally hates me recently. Shes began calling my house every 2-3 days to talk to my gf while i was with her. I had never given her my phone number, she never spoke to me, she only caused me to sit and wait for the drawn out conversations to end. I asked My gf if she thought this practice rude and she agreed to talk to her sister about it. That very night i get a call from my gf as im typing a report. She explains that her sister was very angry that i was such an 'asshole' and that her sister wanted me to call her. This smelled of entrapment. I told my gf i wasnt going to call her sister just to be screamed at, but she pleaded, and i asked her if she really wanted me to call her. In this way i was testing her: if she said no, it would mean she really cared about my feelings, she truly loved me and wished to protect me from emotional distress; if she said yes it would mean that she cared about her sister above all else and would sacrifice my feelings to make her sister happier. She said yes. I hung up and called her her sister and got the bitching i had expected. It seemed that i was the 'biggest asshole' and that she would call her sister whenever she 'fucking wanted.' After 15 or so minutes of yelling (with one short break when she switched phones because her husband was complaining that she was being too load) she hung up. I cant really take people yelling at me directly, and i could feel my lip quivering even before she hung up. A while latter my gf called back. I felt betrayed to the extreame, i hung up on her. That was a few months ago, and thankfully i havent heard anything from her since then, until yesterday. That is when my good friend vanessa (van) told me of her run in with my gf's sis at the mall. her sis felt the need to bitch van out for reasons i wont get into in this passage, but after that she went on to bitch about me, for no apparent reason leaving vans mom to stick up for me. From what she said the conversation went something like this: "Oh, and how is that boyfriend of [my sisters]? Oh wait, i forgot [my husband and i] dont care" "Why? Whats wrong with him? Hes a really good kid." "Yeah, really good to [my sister]. Maybe if hed stop hanging all over [my sister] and stop molesting her hed be a decent human being." "No, he just needs to get out of his shell and find some other girl, but hes really nice" "Oh! He needs to go back in his shell and take it to hell. Hopefully then he could get away from [my sister]." Well, vans mom, for whatever reason, wants me and my gf to break up, but i think its mostly just joking around. Anyway. So now shes bitch about me to my friends behind my back. Then today, mere hours ago, my gf calls me and says she talked about it to her sister. her sister, of course, denies the whole story to her sister, which seems very charicteristic of her. But then my gf continues to tell me that she plans to spend the night at her sisters house tonight. That same feeling of betrayal came over me. The very day after she talks about me, she goes over to visit for the whole day. I havent even seen al all in the last 2 days and i was really looking forward to spending some time with her but not today i suppose, nor tommorrow. I guess she believes that it was all a hoax cooked up by van. Yeah, hook, line, and sinker. But its hard to think that those you love are lying to you, espeically the one she values over all others: her sister. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Fiona Apple (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 8th, 2001
5:23 am	its a boy! Well, hello there. this is my first outing in this strange public journal thing. It seems quite interesting, if voyeuristic. I suppose that ill start by telling about the most intresting thing that happened to me recently -- i had a kidney stone. HAHA. Imagine at 18 getting a kidney stone. Sigh guess im just the luckiest guy ever. I was just sitting at my computer when an excruciating pain hit my back (you know, where kidneys are located). It was so painful a fell out of my chair and started rolling around in pain. After 5 or so minutes i turned off the computer (without shutting down windows properly, tsk tsk) and crawled to my moms bedroom. She figured i had pulled a muscle in my back since it ran to my abdomen as well. I thought my appendix exploded and i was internally bleeding into my abdomin but i trusted in my moms diagnosis since she is a registered nurse. She loaded me up with extra strength tylonal and ibraprophen and said if it got worse in an hour to wake her up. And oh, it did get worse! When the medication began to take effect i went to my bedroom and laid down on a plie of clothes (dont worry they were clean) and put an ice pack of my back. I laid there and came to accept the pain -- it was kind of like a masochistic zen experience -- but just when i was about to reach some higher form of consciousness or discover the meaning of life the pain increased about 10-fold! I rolled up into a fetal possition and i could feel every nerve pulsing -- screaming to be severed. An intense feeling of nausia washed over me and i crawled to my bathroom and struggled to raise myself to the toilet. I started dry heaving but nothing came out, probally because i hadnt eaten that particualr day. Although it may have just been a clever diversion tactic of my bady because it diverted some of my attention away from my kidney. After quite some time of staring into the water with the strange reflection i produced and the disterbance it caused when a teardrop would fall, i crawled once again to my mothers door. I feebly tapped at the door until she finally opened and when i didnt answer her quary as to who was at the said door, she walked out to see me lying in the fetal position, again, and groaning in agony. She got dressed and told me to do the same as i was naked inside a bath robe. and i struggled to get up and walk to the car. In the car a strange thing happened -- the pain started to eleviate. I had almost forgotten what it had felt like to not suffer through an internal conflagration. By the time i signed the papers to be admitted into the emergency room the pain was compleatly gone. i was so releaved that i didnt even care about the wasted trip or money. If pain was afraid of doctors who was i to be ungreatful? About this time in some nearby hotel some person, drunk, depressed, or otherwise, jumped of a balconey. We passed a couple, one of which was in labour, it made me feel happy for them, and i couldnt contain a smile. After being assigned a bed and a hospital gown i was met by a Dr. Springer (who walked on his toes which gave him an ironic spring to his step) who analyzed where the pain was. He informed me that i had a kidney stone until proven otherwise. This wasnt good news for me as my best friend, Robby, constantly makes a point of bringing up the fact that passing a kidney stone is the male equivilent to giving birth. They showed me to the bathroom and handed me a cup. To my dismay it burned quite severly and my urine was a distrubing brown-orange dark maple syrup color. My mom, the RN remember, made a grimace when she saw my urine cup. "Thats quite a. . .strange color." That made me feel not so positive. Then i heard over the intercom about a trama that was arriving. Service slowed down quite considerably. About 40 mins of waiting, with brown pee in hand, later my mom went to the front desk to ask for someone to collect the urine. She was informed that Dr. Springer was treating the balconey jumper i spoke of eairlier, but she took the cup for us. Well, rush lab results usually take around 10-15 mins to process, but about 80 mins later Dr. Springer came back with the lab results. He apologized for the wait, but i didnt really mind, hopefully if i fell off of a balcony thayd give me the same care. Unfourtunatly it wasnt quite enough this time, as he passed away. I wondered about reincarnation and thought of the couple giving birth on some other floor. Regardless the good Dr. informed me that there was a significant amount of blood in my urine and that theyd need a cat scan and a blood sample. I was wheeled (unnecasarily) up to get my cat scan to see just how big my little buddy was. The wheel chair pusher informed me that passing a kidney stone was the male equivilent giving birth. i thanked him for the information. I laid down on the cat scanner and was informed that i had to remove my pants due to possible interference from my metal zippper, that wouldnt have been a problem if i had been in less pain and put on underwear, but that was not the case. So i laid there naked with my increadibly small penis, but i probally gave the technitiones something to talk about. I tried to divert my embaresment by staring at the pattern the laser beams made on my stomach, until i read the sign "CAUTION! Do not stare into laser beam MAY CAUSE BLINDNESS!" I then stopped looking into the lasers. That was probally good anyway as the parts spinning around my head were kind of frightening. As the cat scanner told me in its automated voice how to breathe and when, i entertained my self by thinking of a name for my "son." I decided on Bucky, because its a funny name, and its too cruel to name a human child (sorry to any buckys reading this). After a while i pulled up my pants and was wheeled back down. I fell out of my chair at around 1:30am and now it was almost 6:30. The Dr. bounced up and said that Bucky should pass out byhimself and there was no need for surgery. The Dr. laughingly said that passing a kidney stone was the male equivilent to giving birth. I thanked him for the information. Bucky was probally 3-6mm in diameter and shoudnt hurt TOO much coming out, but theyd have to send him to a urologist to be studied but then i could get him back and raise him as my own. This means that id have to pee through a strainer for the next few days until he came out. Luckily it stoped burning when i peed, and after some blood gathering i was good to go. They gave me a pee-strainer and some really neat sounding narcodics, and my mom took me to burger king for a crosantwich sandwhich (which i have to pay her back for). That was early morning on the 6th and now its early morning on the 8th, and wouldnt you know it? bucky still isnt out yet! I really wish hed come so i can stop using this annoying and combersome pee-strainer that i have to clean after each use, but if i can brighten the day of some far-off urologist, well damn it, its worth it! I hope this wasnt too boring for anyone, i tend to ramble a bit (ok more than a bit). And i hope it didnt scare anyone away but if it did than fine! i didnt need you anyway! ive typed enough ill be goin to sleep now. goodnite everyone! [oh my! i have quite a few spelling/typographical errors dont i? im really sorry but im quite tired and quite lazy, hopefully u can figure out all of them. Sorry.] Current Mood: sore Current Music: mindless self indulgence! woo! (Comment on this)