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Friday, April 5th, 2002
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7:58 pm
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"But King Eowyn, what happened to you during the war?"
Listen up, kids, and I'll tell you.
Well, as you gathered earlier, I woke up and saw that half of Rohan was on fire.
As King, I thought I should do something.
So I downed a cup of coffee, ran downstairs, and repeatedly pushed our Valar Intervention Button. Like fifty times. Until Yavanna appeared out of thin air, looking bleary eyed, a bit of moss in her hair.
"What?"
I explained that Rohan was on fire, and she went off looking for the water dude, Ulmo. I found my sword, jumped on my horse Windfola, and rode to Eogond--um, Gondor.
Now, I may not be a Gondorian fan, but it's the Queen's hometown and a good place to get wasted. I wasn't about to see it get destroyed. So I start hacking at Easterlings, right, blah blah--in my dressing gown, no less. I would have been embarrassed but I wasn't really thinking in a linear fashion.
And then Ungolly comes off a cloud and kills everybody, which effectively spoils my fun, but I reckon I killed a good amount before that.
I rode home, which in hindsight I wish I hadn't done--my brother did some pretty crappy stuff after I left. Gah. Now everything's all ashes. I imagine the Valar will do something about it, but Farry will probably be pretty upset. Not to mention that Eomer's getting a big noogie when I see him next.
Oh, yes...
*uses borrowed-from-Sauron calm dangerous voice*
Wormtongue? Let's not mince words. I have had you following me around for fucking ages. I hate you so much that if looks could kill, your entire family tree--distant cousins included--would be incinerated. You are the fucking scum of Arda. I am used to your existence constantly plaguing mine.
BUT YOU WILL NOT HURT MY NEPHEW ELFWINE. I'M NOT FUCKING STANDING FOR IT. THE BOY HAS BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH TO PUT UP WITH YOUR IDIOCY. I WOULDN'T WISH YOU ON MY WORST ENEMY, BUT IF HE'S DECIDED HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU WILL FUCKING LOVE HIM BACK.
Or perhaps I won't be so kind the next time I find you 'just passing by' my castle.
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(15 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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| Thursday, April 4th, 2002
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7:06 pm
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*gets out of bed*
*yawns*
*shoves hair into place*
*looks out of window*
Fire.
*brushes teeth*
Fire...
*applies aromatherapy lotion*
Fire.
*runs a brush through hair*
Fire.
*puts on robe*
Fire...
*puts on slippers*
Fire, she thought.
*makes coffee*
Fire?
FIRE?
Holy shit. People with flamethrowers heading for Rohan. Shit. Shit. Um, Mom, mount a defense.
Need more coffee, dammit.
Where's my fucking sword?
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(fight!)
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| Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002
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10:26 pm
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Love Letter to Faramir
Dear Farry,
I love you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so glad I married you instead of that stupid Aragorn, even though I would have been queen of Gondor, because he is not as sexy, smart, and sweet as you. (Besides he liked Arwen anyway...but never mind that.)
Thank you for marrying me even though I used to strike fear into the hearts of most men and was pretty much pegged to be dead or a spinster.
Even though sometimes you die or run off with various odd eyes/ghosts/etc, you are a very good husband and I lurrve you. You are the best fucktoy in the world. I cannot wait for you to return to Rohan so we may make sweet sweet love until the break of dawn.
I cannot wait for my lollipop either.
Love,
Eowyn
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(3 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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9:40 pm
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Sweet fucking Eru, make it go away.
I am feeling rather domestic lately. I think sentimental gooey thoughts about my husband, bake cookies (Uncle Theoden's recipe), and try to spend time talking to my daughter. (though she is away with Thomomir.) I even got concerned when my brother Eomer was hurt while dueling with Boroslut. And we were all grrr at each other for a while. But...come on. He's my damned brother. We can't be mad at each other forever. Besides, he's getting MARRIED! I'm so happy. I don't expect him to make me his best man or anything, but I can't wait to see him tie the knot. Though he's not going to wear a dress like we always said he would. Pity.
Farry said he's going to write me love letters. Aww. :)
Ahem. Am still invincible King of Mother Rohan. Grr. Argh.
*le sigh*
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(13 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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| Monday, April 1st, 2002
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5:39 pm
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Dammit fucking all. I took a few mental health days, refreshing myself after the war, and then I come back to find my husband about to commit SUICIDE.
Hello? Been there. Very bad. Bad decision.
Now I know I haven't been the best wife/mother lately, but by Eru NO ONE IS COMMITING SUICIDE ON MY WATCH!
I'm coming, Farry!
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(fight!)
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| Friday, March 29th, 2002
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10:57 am
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My father is back. It's fucking crazy. See, for a lot of my life my mom was always ranting about what an asshole he was, and since he wasn't there, I always just figured he ran off or something.
But a few days ago I found out she killed him.
Oh.
So, yeah, thankfully death isn't much of a setback around here.
Hi Dad.
Stay away from Mom, all right? She's a little...touchy lately...
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(1 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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| Thursday, March 28th, 2002
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5:38 pm
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| Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
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10:59 pm
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Hehe, there's this kid. Elfwine? Anyway, he claims to be the spawn of my brother and the Beast Former Virgin. From the FUTURE.
Ahahahaha.
Okay. Anyway, his thing is, if we continue the war for Eogond, Middle-earth will be nearly destroyed, and the Valar will depart, and Mom will be killed, and...gee, it'd just be bad, wouldn't it?
There might be something to it, I guess, but...oh, come on. They worship SAM? And Isildur joins Rohan?
So what happens to me in the future, kid? Am I alive? And Farry, and Chomsky, and Bergil?
ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE.
I have granted the Stewardship of Buckland to Frodo Gamgee. He's not exactly the sexiest hobbit in Middle-earth (hehehe.), but I'm sure he will perform admirably.
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(22 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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10:09 pm
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Message received just now:
To: King Eowyn, Most High Ruler of Mother Rohan, Eogond, and the Shire
From: General Theodwyn the Bloodthirsty
Good news, sweetie. The day is ours.
The devoted soldiers of Mother Rohan have crept around all detection from the enemy and taken Ithilien and part of Osgiliath. We met very little resistance, as a great bulk of the army was away cleaning up horse shit. The soldiers we DID meet were no match for the former Riders of Rohan, hoard of orcs, and--admittedly small--hobbit forces.
We are reinforcing as we speak. We do not expect the enemy to regroup until tomorrow. Rest assured, pet, we will be successful in our campaign! Eogond will belong to Mother Rohan forever!
LONG LIVE MOTHER ROHAN! Now excuse me while I clean the flesh out of my teeth.
--Mommy
YES!
Score one for Mother Rohan! We shall be unbeatable. :D
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(31 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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6:57 pm
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Hahahaha.
Well, gee. There are no horses in Mother Rohan. How odd. Why is that?
Oh yeah...they all went to Eogond.
:D
Have fun, guys.
current mood:  giggly
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(fight!)
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5:40 pm
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Well, I just beat the crap out of my cousin Theodred. Fortunately he only sold Bywater to some entertainment corporation. So, if you are a hobbit and living in Bywater...er...sorry.
Fortunately the execs never read Lord of the Rings, and didn't know that Rohan was not very small and populated with hobbits. Whatever. I'm sure Hobbitworld will be a very successful theme park.
Mom and I have been reorganizing the troops all day. We are about to march on the forces in Ithilien. Victory is forseen for us, but that's what we said last time, soooo.... Well. Ma assures me that this time it will go well and we will hold Ithilien by nightfall. I am trying to have faith in her overarching confidence/bloodthirstiness.
Now I am going to go comfort Queen Faramir. He is no longer Steward of Eogond, it's a bit of a shock to him. He's had the position for years. I am trying my best to negotiate the Prince of Ithilien gig for him, but Eomer's snuggly bear or whatever might end up with it, so he may just have to settle for being married to the most powerful King in Middle-earth.
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(7 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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| Tuesday, March 26th, 2002
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7:52 pm
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Attention Citizens of Middle-earth, and those of the Shire in particular:
The land of the Shire has been peacefully turned over to the Imperialist Kingdom of Rohan by its Mayor, Mr. Samwise Gamgee of Hobbiton.
Shire-residents may be asking, "What does this mean for ME?"
Well, not much. Mr. Gamgee is still your go-to superior. The Shire will, however, be under the protection of the great Mother Rohan. We hope that we will give your allegiance to our noble kingdom, but we will not require you to go to battle in the current dispute. Rohan is a lover of free will, and we certainly would not force or even urge any hobbit to fight in Eogond.
A new position has been instituted: The Steward of Eriador. It has been given to Bergil son of Beregond of Eogond. If you have issues, perhaps you would like to talk to him. He has very pretty eyes.
In friendship,
King Eowyn
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(15 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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6:32 pm
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Oh, and...
Vote for Queen Faramir.
I just checked the female poll, and I see that I'm in second place in my category, just behind Fe-Fe. How lovely. Thank you to the following:
Princess Chomsky
Yavanna
Sauron
Elrond
The Ring
Rosie
Queen Faramir
Michael J. Fox
Theodred
Orlando Bloom
Haldir
Ringwraith #7
Legolas II
Yes, we all know I'm beautiful.
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(fight!)
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6:31 pm
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My mother is away at the battle in Eogond. I have received word that it has not gone well today, but that not all is yet lost there. Rohan has suffered losses, but we endure.
If things get really bad, I'll petition Eru for more Oompa-Loompas.
It makes me sad that I have been reduced to a skinny, shrewish harpy on a power trip by those who once admired me. Even  ghostofisildur, who used to hit on me daily, has turned on me. He doesn't even think I'm the rightful king of Rohan, even though I was appointed the heir of King Theoden recently.
Being an extremely powerful ruler is so hard sometimes.
I am in talks with samwisegamgee regarding the hopefully peaceful annexation of the Shire. I am confident we will be able to work something out. Remember, Sam, you'll still be in charge. You'll just..technically...be under the rule and protection of great and noble Mother Rohan.
We persevere! *waves little flag*
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(10 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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12:16 am
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My husband is back, but he's playing Clue with Beregond and Princess Chomsky and isn't paying much attention to me. His wife. The king of Mother Rohan. But whatever. I have made Beregond the Steward of Rohan, since being around the Queen makes him so happy. I think I will invite his fetching son Bergil here. Perhaps he could be the steward of one of our newly gained kingdoms. Like the Shire. We have not annexed it yet, but I think Mom is preparing to do so as we speak.
It's good to be King.
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(12 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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| Monday, March 25th, 2002
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12:32 am
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I am having an interesting experience.
Well, I died. I saw a white light. It was lovely. Next thing I know, I'm looking at some guy who looks faintly like that guy from U2, and he's all frowny.
"I don't want you here," he says. "You are not annexing my fucking Halls to Rohan."
Next thing I know I'm clinging to some sort of spire at the top of my castle. NOT the most seemly place for the king of Rohan.
Mom is dead. I don't know about Queen Faramir--I haven't seen him. Chomsky is okay, I'm pretty sure. Uncle Theoden--dead.
But I won't die. Because I'm the fucking KING OF ROHAN! And the Valar quake in fear of me. (Sort of. No smiting, please.)
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(24 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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| Sunday, March 24th, 2002
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2:02 am
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1:05 am
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"No longer do I desire to be a queen." --Eowyn, Eomund's daughter.
Well, bullshit.
I am now KING OF ROHAN, fuckers!
MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
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(23 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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| Friday, March 22nd, 2002
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11:07 pm
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Flesh-eating scarabs? I ain't afraid of no flesh-eating scarabs! Bring 'em the fuck on, Denethor!
Chomsky, get the flamethrower. Faramir, you just stay in the lead box until this is over.
Oh yeah, hi Mom.
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(7 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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12:08 am
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I hate that I have to clarify these things.
I am not fucking Grima. He has been a fucking liar since...oh yeah, FOREVER. I haven't fucked anyone besides my husband since that whole Elrond deal. And that was like months ago.
Wormtongue, grow the fuck up and find someone that will actually come near your deformed self.
Faramir, go ahead and have dinner with Sauron. I think I should go to bed.
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(8 stabbed to bloody death | fight!)
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