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Sunday, September 2nd, 2001
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8:54 pm - Back on
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By now none of my friends use this anymore so unless I tell them to read it (which I might), then no one is gonna read it. Since it's been awhile since I last wrote I'll begin by saying that I'm in college finally. Unfortunately it seems like my world is beginning to crumble. The friends that I have are hundreds of miles away. My parents are two hundred miles away. I have schoolwork to keep me busy most of the time but as it turns out, I wanted to get ahead this weekend so I don't have any now. Which means that I have too much nothing to do. I could see it coming from 20 miles away. Which would be worse? To have someone run up behind and slit your throat without you ever expecting it or to have the attacker tie you down, tape your mouth, and give you time to think before he slits your throat? Personally, I would rather not see it coming. One of the difficulties in a friendship with a female...nevermind. Baby did a bad bad thing......Eyes Wide Shut....I'm afraid it's gonna happen to me one day....Last night when I was intoxicated I began to rant about how most people don't understand me. I didn't need to be loud about it but it's definitely the way I feel. There's only a couple people that understand me. I don't even feel like typing. I feel like not being me. You know what? FUCK THIS. I'm out.
current mood:  pessimistic
current music: D12 Pimp Like Me
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| Friday, July 27th, 2001
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4:06 am - Day by Day
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This follows the journal entry from what I wrote last time about my friends that I appreciate. This was supposed to be the endless summer of reckless abandonment and now it's coming to a close. I don't break down crying on a normal basis but I was listening to Green Day "Time of Your Life" and talking to my cousin BB on the phone. I called her to tell her that I was worried about her and that I'm pulling for her and want her to keep her head on straight and do what she needs to do and make the sacrifices she has to make in order to get a pharmacuetical (sp?) degree. Anyway, my friend Troy has had my yearbook for a couple weeks now and gave it back the other day after he filled up five pages. But he's been one of my very best and most loyal friends now for the past 6 years so it didn't bother me. But the stuff he wrote got me all choked up and I just didn't feel like fighting it anymore so I started telling B how much I'm going to miss Troy and JD and Cheryl and Josh and Brandon and Aaron....Troy and JD have been there since middle school and Troy has always been there and available to hang out when he's not studying. JD is usually available to hang out too 'cause he's so lazy but he provides the comic relief that my dramatic life so often requires. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. Cheryl has become one of my best friends right up there with Troy and JD over this past year because I can hold conversations with her without her judging me for anything (similar to JD) but at the same time there's more deep conversation that with JD and I can get Cheryl's opinion on nearly anything whereas I can only get JD's opinion on matters which I can explain in the time it takes for him to get bored (approx. 3 seconds). But that's ok, I'm not complaining about JD or any of my friends. Brandon is gonna be my roommate so I don't need to worry about missing him but he's awesome and loyal like Troy. Aaron is going to Clemson and I already had to get used to not seeing him when he moved to Orlando at the beginning of the summer so it won't be too bad come time to leave. Josh is leaving in a week and a half also and I've just gotten to be better friends with him this summer. He's crazy. Like a second comic relief when JD's not around. I love all of y'all for everything you've done for me and only Cheryl will probably read this. Cheryl and Josh have taught me how to be more open and nonchalant when discussing sex. Cheryl has also been there for many interesting late night conversations about the nature of humans and how to make the most of this one life we have to live. JD taught me how to lighten up when school gets tough and just say "fuck this, I don't need to be stressed. It's not going to do me any good so I'll just do what I can." He also taught me how to be cheuvinistic (sp?) and arrogant for my own protection against the opposite sex. Troy taught me to stop wishing life was like a movie because movies are made to be entertaining. They're made jam packed with action, comedy, adventure, and romance, to embody typical human dreams. But if life was like a movie then movies would just have to be even more jam packed with action, comed, etc. "We dream, we attain our dreams, and then we dream more. That seems to be human nature." But both of us still wish we could have soundtracks to our lives. : ) Troy also serves as my example of what it's like to hope and have faith that there is some good in mankind regardless of how much evil we see. Aaron was a guy that blends well with pretty much anyone but it was cool to have a trio goin' on with Brandon and him 'cause sometimes it was more fun to hang out and do nothing with more people around. I will meet new people and build new friendships but I did have the time of my life and no one will ever be able to replace any of you because all of you helped define who I am today and who I am today helps define who I will be tomorrow. This is why I cried. If you only knew how much I already miss you. There's so much appreciation and love I have for you all that it's overwhelming. I look back on the times we spent together and all I see is good and beauty. It's painful to watch it fade from present to memory as we continue to drift in our Sea of Eternity. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and hope that I have made as much a positive impact on your lives as you all have had on mine. YOU GUYS ROCK!!
current mood: grateful, sad, hopeful
current music: Verve Pipe "Freshmen"
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| Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
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11:54 am - None in Particular
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It's been a little while since I've been able to write in this thing but I'm home from "vacation" finally and I've got a few things to say. There's been some stuff that's happened since I last wrote. The least recent was that I was finally honest with Eliana and told her I haven't been her friend for quite some time now. I dunno how she was dumb enough to not see it all along but one night it just got to a point where I couldn't believe I was actually wasting my time talking to someone so incredibly and annoyingly stupid. Then at the end of the conversation she was about to tell me "fuck off" and I blocked her before she could get it out. Dumb little shit thought she could beat me at my own game. Only Christie managed that. But then Eliana talks to a friend of mine and tells him that she hates me now and she likes him and thinks he's a great guy and stuff. While she's telling him this he's thinking, "hmmmm, she's a gymnast...I wonder if she could bend over backwards and suck my dick." That's the oldest of my news. After that I turned 18 finally. I havevn't gotten to use my ID once yet since. Before I turned it I tried to see if I could buy a pack of Cloves (twice and both times within like three weeks of 18) and both times I was IDed. Since my birthday I've bought a pack of cloves, a cigar, and I went to Fairavilla (a huge porn store that my friends and I have sort of an unspoken tradition that you have to go at least once after you turn 18 and it appears that I'm the last to turn.) But at Fairavilla they usually have these big guys that bust through the huge front doors as you're walking up to them and they snatch your ID's to check. Well guess what. We walked right in without ever being checked. My vacation consisted of a night and half a day in Horseshoe Beach FL (Sunday and Monday) doing nothing except scalloping and cleaning scallops on Monday. Then I went to Gainseville for UF preview and that was alright. I met some cool people but the second day (out of three, Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday morning) was extremely busy and long. Wednesday night we went back to Horseshoe and stayed doing nothing except fishing, setting crab traps, watching TV, and eating junk food. Some of that was alright. Sometimes it was boring. I got to see my cousin BB. She's registered for community college now> I'm proud of her. She was the first person to sign up for the new set of courses they have there called Pharmacy Tech. The only thing is that I'm worried that she's wanting to be a pharmacist only because of the good money. I asked her why she wanted to do it and she said "I dunno...to make good money I guess...it's just what I've wanted to be for a long time." That's great that she's following her long term goal. But shouldn't you have a reason for setting the goal in the first place other than money? I would say "oh well, it's her life and she can do what she wants." But the fact is that B is my cousin and very close to me. I care about her and why would I want to let my cousin go into a career she'd hate. Maybe she would like it. But at least I can make her question her decisions every now and then. I don't think that's bad. On top of that, B is very smart. But she has a hell of a social life that I know unless she grows up a lot, she's not going to put on hold for studies. And pharmacy is a very hard degree to get because the required courses are supposed to be extremely hard. Knowing B, it'd be a hard hit to her if she gets into the real program at UF and finds out how hard it is and decided to quit because she can't focus on her work and only spend time with friends after her work is done. I'd like to just have complete faith in her but I know BB almost better than I know myself and that's what has inspired these concerns I have for her. She's not like Brandon where if you give her enough encouragement during the tough times then she'll stick with it and get it done. When things get hard with B she'll go to a certain point and then decide to quit and not go any further no matter what anyone says. So enough about B. I missed Cher prolly the most of anyone while I was gone and worried about her a lot, hoping that if she'd had her surgery that she was alright. Turns out when I got home she hadn't had it yet. Ya know, it's funny with friends like Cheryl and JD...I'm so...appreciative...to have them as friends that no amount of words could fully convey my feelings to either one of them. I couldn't even begin to tell JD because the whole guy telling another guy about his feelings of appreciation for friendship...well it doesn't float well. Which goes back to a previous journal entry where I said I want to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and still have people know that I am extremely ungay. Dumb ass social restraints...guys aren't supposed to talk to guys about deep stuff...what a load of bullshit. Friendship involves feelings but I know myself that if Aaron or Brandon or JD tried to sit me down and start talking to me about their feelings of "friendship" towards me...I might think something funny of it and get a little freaked out. But that's because some of my thought processes are still a product of my environment. I wish I knew exactly how to go about breaking through the social restraints that I know are wrong. Anyway, my appreciation isn't something that I feel the need to express often. I just want some people (like JD and Cheryl) to know my gratitude just by looking at me. Sometimes I wish they could read me like a book. Unfortunately, I usually don't express inward emotions through outward actions such as facial expressions, etc. It's not that I don't want to. It's just that when I know I'm feeling good, I'll still have people ask me, "are you ok dude? what's the matter?" And it's at that point that I know I'm not doing a sufficient job of expressing inward emotions through outward actions yadda yadda yadda, you get the idea. But I wish they could read the subtleties. Sometimes I wish Brandon and Aaron knew how appreciative I am of them too. Well, I'm done for now. Lates.
current mood:  calm
current music: None
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| Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
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2:53 am - Halo
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Every morning there's a halo hanging from the corner of my girlfriend's four post bed... -Sugar Ray
Lately I've been trying to come up with ideas worth writing about and I think maybe one or two hit me but I didn't feel like writing them down so now I don't remember them. K? The other day JD got accepted into UNF so now he'll only be an hour way. That's still not quite as good as 2 minutes away like it is now but it's better than 4 hours like it would've been if he would've stayed here until January. Every time me and Cher and JD have tried to make plans to get together this summer, they fall through. I swear, I have never had this much trouble getting three people together that I can remember. I decided that Road Trip is awesome and now it's one of my favorite movies. That means I have three. I ordered my computer! It should be here on Monday. It's a Dell Dimension 8100: 1.5GHz Pentium 4 Processor, 256MB PC800 RAM, 60GB hard drive, 16x Max Variable DVD ROM drive in bay 1, 16x/10x/40x CD-RW in bay 2, surround sound speakers with subwoofer, 19 inch Trinitron Monitor, HP Office Jet K60 print/copy/fax/scan, Windows ME operating system, Logitech Wireless keyboard and mouse...and all for the low low price of $3,117. That's a bit more than I had expected it to be but shipping and handling and tax is adds about $300 to the price. However, subtract $200 from $3,117 and that's the price it costs because there's a $150 rebate on the comp and a $50 rebate on the printer. The only catch to all this good stuff is the trade. My grandpa is dying and he's got a good bit of money that's been handed down. So he's giving chunks of it out here and there. So now I've got one grandpa that's passed away, one grandpa that is struggling, a grandma that has senile demensia which is a disease that's a lot like Alsheimer's, and one grandma that's doing ok right now but she's been to the hospital several times in the last two months. This is fantastic. But guess what...yes, you got it. Life goes on. Fight Club is a very strange movie but I also find it somewhat appealing. I like what he did to that bleached blonde kid. I wonder what he was even doing in fight club. He looked like he belonged with NSYNC or another one of those gay ass bands. I hate that new song from one of the boybands where they say they're sick of hearing the question when are they gonna die out. I thought about it some and wondered when they are going to die out. Then I realized that as long as the gay pride movement is going, NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, O-Town, and all those other boy bands are going to thrive. The good thing about any boyband is that they won't be able to go until they're 50 years old like KISS, Ozzy, Rolling Stones, etc. So maybe...as new ones keep coming out, the style will evolve right back into hard rock/alternative; at which point, boybands will cease to exist. The Linkin Park and Sum 41 CD's are both good. I got them yesterday. In fact, I'm going to get off the comp, go get a glass of water and go listen to some Linkin Park right before I go to sleep. What am I supposed to do today? I know I'm supposed to be busy every day this week except yesterday but I can't recall what I commited to do or with whom I said I would do something with. Bummer.
current mood:  mischievous
current music: Kid Rock- "Early Mornin' Stoned Pimp"
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| Tuesday, June 19th, 2001
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2:22 am - Interesting Convo
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illpimpyouout69: it's hard to break free from society's ideas you know that?
illpimpyouout69: I don't really know anyone that's been able to do that completely
illpimpyouout69: maybe Nicole and Stephanie come close
illpimpyouout69: and I think it's even harder for guys
WildGrl1227: ???
WildGrl1227: what are you talking about
illpimpyouout69: eh, just one of those stupid ol' conversations about life
illpimpyouout69: nevermind
WildGrl1227: lol
WildGrl1227: no go on..
WildGrl1227: talk
illpimpyouout69: well I was just thinking that there's a lot of limitations that society puts on us about how we should live our lives
illpimpyouout69: and even though I can look at a limitation and tell that it's wrong. . . it can still be hard to break free from it
illpimpyouout69: I'm not referring to legal things btw
WildGrl1227: example?
illpimpyouout69: well for instance
illpimpyouout69: a guy has to watch what he says or does
illpimpyouout69: otherwise, other people might think he's gay
illpimpyouout69: even though he's completely straight
illpimpyouout69: or
illpimpyouout69: about the kind of job we should have
illpimpyouout69: it's kind of understood in the back of our minds that no matter how many times our parents, peers, and teachers tell us to find a job that truly makes us happy. . .
illpimpyouout69: if I decided to be a janitor for the rest of my life and that's what makes me happy. . .
illpimpyouout69: there would be more than one person looking down on me for that
illpimpyouout69: more than one person judging me for that
WildGrl1227: wow ok...you care too much what ppl think of you
illpimpyouout69: and don't say it doesn't matter what other people think because we exist in a world that's full of other people so it is very important what others think
illpimpyouout69: you can't say that
illpimpyouout69: I know it's the popular cliche today
illpimpyouout69: but it's not real
illpimpyouout69: it's not possible
illpimpyouout69: well, unless you're a computer nerd
WildGrl1227: *hides under a pillow*
illpimpyouout69: and then the stereotype has it that you're basically secluded from the rest of the world
WildGrl1227: :-[
illpimpyouout69: you're not a computer nerd
illpimpyouout69: the only way it wouldn't matter what other people think
illpimpyouout69: is if you had no contact with other people
illpimpyouout69: but whether you care to acknowledge it or not, people have a major impact on your life
illpimpyouout69: and my life
illpimpyouout69: and everyone's life
WildGrl1227: lol the only thing i care about really is how ppl think i look....but that's just me..i always want to look good..so i never want to stop using makeup....even though i hate wearing it....
illpimpyouout69: see, there you go
illpimpyouout69: there's just one example of how you're aware of what other people think about you
WildGrl1227: don't you think i have ppl breathing down my neck about wanting a belly ring...."ppl will look at you differently" i don't care if they do..they can judge me all they want..if they think i'm ignorant for having 1 it's their problem and if they talk to me they'll learn otherwise
illpimpyouout69: and I gaurantee that there's other areas of your life that you might not be aware of, where other people have an influence over your actions
illpimpyouout69: ok ok
illpimpyouout69: I'm not saying it's impossible to break free from some aspects
illpimpyouout69: I'm saying that it's impossible to break free from ALL
WildGrl1227: nah..it can be done..find 1 and i'll do it for you :-P
illpimpyouout69: I think it makes sense to view humanity as a web where everyone is connected to another person. As a result, you are connected to every individual on this planet
illpimpyouout69: and so am I
illpimpyouout69: and it isn't possible to cut every tie
illpimpyouout69: I can't give you examples
illpimpyouout69: you give yourself examples
illpimpyouout69: I can think of examples in my life
illpimpyouout69: and you've already thought of one example in your life
WildGrl1227: how about i go a day w/o makup and scare every1...:-P
illpimpyouout69: how about you go the rest of your life without make up?
illpimpyouout69: you won't do that will you?
WildGrl1227: if you find me a good plastic surgon i will...or i can go get my makeup tatooed on my face...
illpimpyouout69: you know that's not what I mean
illpimpyouout69: because the fact remains that you care about how people think you look
illpimpyouout69: and that tie will probably always be there for you
illpimpyouout69: but just because you have a tie to the rest of humanity doesn't mean that you have to try and get rid of it
WildGrl1227: true
illpimpyouout69: you only have to get rid of it if it bothers you and it's not something you want
WildGrl1227: *shrug* most ppl don't like the fact that i wear makup...make 1 tie..break another
illpimpyouout69: see, that's an idea I hadn't considered
WildGrl1227: hehe
illpimpyouout69: not everyone views you in the same way
illpimpyouout69: therefore, if you change to another way then some people will like it and others won't
WildGrl1227: yea..you can't please every1
illpimpyouout69: so my theory continues to function because no matter what happens, you're still stuck to people
WildGrl1227: but you can try :-)
WildGrl1227: hehe
illpimpyouout69: and people have a lot of power
WildGrl1227: only if you think so
illpimpyouout69: if someone doesn't like something about you enough, they have the power to do something about it
illpimpyouout69: not everyone
illpimpyouout69: but there are people who have the ability to damage your future
illpimpyouout69: it's just a matter of whether they're willing to or not
WildGrl1227: i see
illpimpyouout69: and that's why it matters what people think about you. "People" doesn't necessarily refer to everyone. It can mean whoever you want it to mean. It can mean your mom and dad, or you immediate family, immediate and extended family, or immediate and extended family and friends, or immediate and extended family and friends and employers, or immediate and extended family, friends, employers, and co workers, and the list goes on to include anyone and everyone you think has a potential effect on you
WildGrl1227: well hmm...sammy doesn't count
WildGrl1227: he doesn't qualify as a human
illpimpyouout69: one of the things I want to get through is that I want to be able to do whatever the hell I want to do or say or act like and not worry about whether or not people know I'm extremely ungay. And secondly, I want to be able to know that my career decision is entirely up to me and that I have the right to make that decision based on what will make me happy and fulfilled rather than how much it will pay
WildGrl1227: do both...that way you'll have the perfect friends for you...and you'll have the perfect job for you
illpimpyouout69: easier said than done
illpimpyouout69: I've got good friends for me
illpimpyouout69: it's not that I'm entirely not myself
illpimpyouout69: it's just that I can't entirely be myself
illpimpyouout69: not outside of my head
illpimpyouout69: and you can't entirely be yourself outside of your head
illpimpyouout69: because if you do then you could upset those people who have influence over your life
WildGrl1227: maybe that's why ppl think i'm wild then
illpimpyouout69: and if you do that. . . . well, it could be a very nasty thing
illpimpyouout69: you aren't wild
illpimpyouout69: not even close
illpimpyouout69: and I'm not either
illpimpyouout69: wild isn't something to be proud of really
illpimpyouout69: because wild means that you don't think about anything
illpimpyouout69: life is lived spur of the moment, no rules, whatever happens happens
illpimpyouout69: and you have rules
illpimpyouout69: ethics
WildGrl1227: some ppl think i don't think about things
WildGrl1227: i have 2 rules...no sex and no drugs
illpimpyouout69: usually I think that your actions are the result of completely illogical thought processes
illpimpyouout69: but I'll at least give you credit for trying
illpimpyouout69: ;-)
illpimpyouout69: I think that because my thought processes and yours seem to be quite different
WildGrl1227: lol
WildGrl1227: ok
illpimpyouout69: and I just happen to think mine are a little better
illpimpyouout69: but hey, to each his own right?
illpimpyouout69: or her
illpimpyouout69: :-)
WildGrl1227: lol
Now I need to discuss this with Cher to get her take on it.
current mood:  amused
current music: Finger 11 "First Time"
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| Sunday, June 17th, 2001
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7:37 pm - Short Entry
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Finally! I stayed up until 5:30 this morning playing that dumb game Soul Calibur trying to restore everything I had earned before the memory card got wiped out. I don't even know why I was doing it either 'cause I'm tired of it. I don't hardly ever play the Dreamcast anymore and I just got it in January. It's mainly just good for two players. I feel like a dork talking about video games. :) It's funny to think back when I was in Elementary school and everyone swore up and down we'd never get tired of video games and we'd have every single system when we're grown ups and all the games to boot. Dead and gone are those days. For me anyway. :) I like to sit down and play a little but there's a lot I should be doing. It's lightning outside and it's nice to have Cher back home. She got a job the other day. I wish I could say the same for myself. :) I wonder how Stacie's enjoying her trip across the continental U.S. She's prolly loving it. We haven't spoken in quite a long time. The more I thought about it, the less likely it seems possible that she would want to talk bad about me. That's not to say it's IMpossible though. Guess we'll find out soon enough. Last night I went up to the pool hall with a few friends and Josh sat down at this little game thingy where you can play some cheesy video games and he found strip poker on there. Needless to say he started playing it and was hooked on it for an hour. The pathetic thing is that the rest of us where all standing there, eyes, glued to the screen, like a bunch of losers. I realized that about the same time Aaron did so we turned around and went back to the table. :) I wonder what's gonna happen the rest of this summer...I've found myself wishing away large portions of it. Ironically I usually look back and wonder why I wished it away. Right now I'm trying to gather up the strength to tear myself away from this computer screen. I'm addicted! They need to have a care group for people who are addicted to the computer and Instant Messenger. Unfortunately I would have to miss all the meetings because I'd be on here. 1, 2, 3...
current mood: relaxed
current music: Offspring "Nice Guys Finish Last"
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1:53 am - This Should be Fun
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Well well, it seems that there is a certain person who is beginning to 'cause a great deal of stress in my life. Stress which I have absolutely no use for or desire for. Which means that if this person keeps on doing the stupid things he/she is doing. Then they're going to be kicked out of my life with a great big fucking smile on my face as I'm doing it. Can you figure out who you are? Stupidity frustrates me. Especially repitition of the same stupidity. Just watching this person fuck up over and over again is causing the stress. I can't let myself care about a fuck up because a fuck up doesn't care enough about themselves or have enough self control to keep from fucking up. So I'm thinking this person has maybe...one to two more chances to get things straight in his/her life because I'm sick and tired of dealing with confused people. Now...enough said about that. Just a warning to a particular friend that knows he's/she's confused. My weekend was interesting. I spent it at the Marriot World Center with mother dear. We went shopping two days. Friday I went into Raulph Lauren, Geoffry Bean, Armani, and Versace. All of the employees at Armani were fags, which was gross. And the manager/fag at Versace was trying to hit on me. He even tried to give me his home phone number. Puke puke. I think I am a little homophobic after all. The ones that aren't bold about it are alright. It's the flamers that get to me. I'm not used to associating with men that want to act like women and that could possibly be attracted to me. Maybe I wouldn't be worried if I was really ugly. But I think I would rather have circumstances as they are. I didn't do a whole lot other than shop. Oh yeah, today I went to Perry Ellis and got some new stuff and a new pair of Sketchers. Last night I watched Comedy Central and there was a fake commercial being done by this black guy advertising Loomis Simmons custom built condoms. He was saying they're 100% safe for the buyer because they're custom built for him (Loomis) and Loomis is the one that wears them. Then he said, "here's how it works: you take her out to the movie (?), you take her out to eat, you take her out for drinks, you rent the hotel room and when you're sure she's ready to get freaky...that's when you call Loomis. And you can sit in the lobby while I have freaky circus sex with your girl. And you might ask, 'Loomis, why would I want you to have that initimate experience with MY girl?' And I say 'shut up! I'm tryin to have freaky circus sex with your girl.'" At least I thought it was pretty funny. I'm going to get off now and go play some more Soul Calibur.
current mood: pessimistic
current music: Matchbox 20 "Mad Season"
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| Thursday, June 14th, 2001
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6:26 pm - Rainy Day
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Today has been pretty good so far. Except for this morning when my truck wouldn't start up at the public health center where I had my immunization sheet filled out for college. I finally yelled "come on ya fuckin piece of shit!" and then it started. Forget "please," I know what the real magic words are now. :) I tried to post some pictures here but they're over 40k of whatever and I don't know how to make the file size smaller. Tonight I go to the movies with Shannon to see Swordfish for the third time. I'm telling you guys, that movie is KICK A$$. Big guns, fast cars, beautiful women, bombs, murder, love (not the sexual kind), it's all there. I figured out why God gave us guys dicks and an excess of testosterone that lasts until...I dunno, 40 or 50 maybe? Anyway, I think it's a challenge. Every guy loves a good challenge right? Well God gave us a permanent challenge of controlling sex drives and seperating them from true feelings for all those times when we're feeling like we've overcome everything we can possibly overcome for the day. *Look down*, "oh shit, forgot about you." There are so many times when I can really feel the time isn't right with a girl but then the pride kicks in 'cause the testosterone starts flowing and making you feel all macho. And then ya get to thinking, "I'm a wuss if I don't, I'm a wuss if I don't, I'm a wuss if I don't." Before long, the inappropriateness of the time is drowned beneath, "I'm a wuss if I don't" and "I'm gonna feel like less of a man if I don't make a move." Wouldn't it be nice to have a little external button or something that would trigger hormones from going and not going. Then you could push her button without having to work for the right moment or the right words. And the guy could turn his off whenever he needs to (like right before you get up and give a presentation in front of the class). Can you imagine that? You just look deep into her eyes and say, "do you mind?" *click*. Or you could bump into girls as you're walking down the street, *click* "excuse me" *click* "sorry" *click* "oop, sorry 'bout that". Ok, enough with that idea, it was entertaining for awhile. The storm today was beautiful. El said she wants a house with a glass dome in a portion of it so she can sit and watch storms. I like this journal for the most part. But I just realized something. If I were to actually type the things that I feel besides when I'm angry...I mean, if I were to write down my observations about the world for more than just stupid shallow stuff like I have in here already...well, most people wouldn't understand it. Kind of like how the people didn't understand whatever it was Stacie told them. I'm not implying that people who don't understand my thoughts are less human or less intelligent than myself. I'm simply saying that I think along different lines and different levels than I believe most people do. And again, so as not to offend anyone, that isn't implying that everyone besides myself thinks on the same level because they don't. Everyone has their own lines and levels of thought. That's why it's refreshing to find someone you can truly communicate with. Like Aaron and Cheryl, I can really talk to them and listen to them and get a response that goes along with my thought processes, which means that their responses to my questions and ideas make more sense to me than do other peoples. Wow, this is a hard idea to explain fully. And I know I haven't explained it quite right yet. This is why I enjoy writing. It gives me the opportunity to play with words. I can do anything I want to with them until I express my thoughts and feelings clearly. So let me try to work with this a little more. When two people talk and one person has a question, usually that person has thought of certain possible answers and come up with reasons to dispell them. Or if a person has an idea, they usually have certain evidence to support the veracity of the idea. So in order for the person to effectively communicate the idea and the reasons for having that idea, (we'll just include questions under the "idea" category to make it easier on me), to the other person, the person hearing the idea must be viewing the idea, not necessarily from the same viewpoint, but from the same level. Ok ummm, that still wasn't quite right. It's like....if the person is thinking about something too deeply then their response might not be appropriate and the same goes for if the person is not thinking deep enough and hard enough. Now, I'm tired of playing with that idea. Maybe it was a dead end. I hate it when I think I'm onto something new and I work with it and work with it and then find out that there's a flaw in it that 'cause it to be a useless idea. Now see, then there's people who are good friends to me like JD and Eliana and Brandon, but it's not a friendship based on exchanging thoughts and views on the world. With JD (he's been my best friend for 5 years now) and Eliana, who's quickly become a good friend of mine, although she did get dropped temporarily for being bad, the friendship is based on having fun and relaxed around the person. Basically, they're a break from having to think about too much serious stuff. Now Brandon is a different story altogether. I suppose he's my friend because he's loyal. Now, there was that one time....but we won't get into that will we El? He's a rather high maintenance friend too 'cause he gets stressed easily and he needs a lot of verbal support to keep him motivated. But I realized the other day that he's really there when I've got a serious problem. Actually he's more there for me than anyone but Cheryl and they're about the same. And then there's times when you're talking to certain friends and they just say one little thing that makes ya wanna say "go to hell bastard." What can you do about depressed friends? Wait 'till they get better? It seems like they NEVER get better...the depressions just drag out for months and months (kind of like mine did for two or three months) except I pretty much got rid of all my friends during that time except JD and I only talked to Brandon when we were working out. I worked out so hard today that I puked twice afterwards. I'm just not used to calesthenics. Why is it that when I write in here and I'm not angry to begin with, I'm usually not feeling good by the time I'm done? I'm done now and I'm annoyed. I asked El if she was gonna be depressed over this guy and she said "how 'bout if I am then I won't tell you"...I think that's messed up. Anyway, I'm sick and tired of writing and it's late and I have to get up early and so just...just screw you too alright?!
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Godsmack "Keep Away"
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2:31 am - Macbeth
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This has nothing to do with Macbeth but I didn't know what to title it and a work of art (my journal in case you couldn't tell what I was referring to), is never complete without a title (even if it is a rip-off). Tonight I had a shitty debate with some punk kid that wants to be a rebel. Wait'll he finds out he can't even do that right. Man, the guy'll have to just go kill himself. Ok, that's mean. Anyway, the guy sounded like he could've been halfway intelligent 'cause he said a thing or two that made me have to stop and think. But his problem was that he never stopped to think about anything I said. He didn't like it that I was "slicking fucking hairs." But like I told him, "those 'fucking hairs'" are essential to the argument because often times they determine the validity of ones assertions. At any rate, I haven't argued in a while so even a poor one was rather fun. If I had the money I would buy all of my clothes from Male Image and Male Attractions and stores like that. Maybe I will when I'm a rich executive. That's ironic. My journal name is Diogenes and I'm talking about being a rich executive. Out of any philosophers I've read about, Diogenes has been my favorite, not necessarily for his philosophies (I do like those too, but not enough to live by them), but because of his courage in standing up to Alexander the Great. It's impressive because at this point in my life I do not have the boldness required to do that or anything similar. Given the choice, would I rather write as well as Tom Clancy or William Faulkner? Keeping in mind the fact that Tom Clancy is far richer (money-wise), than William Faulkner ever was. The answer..................................................................................................William Faulkner hands down. I would much rather have the gifts of writing universally relevant, classic literature, than I would have the ability to write novels strictly to make money. It seems that literature, on the whole, has evolved from being an art form used for expressing the ideas, and idealogies of the authors and the people of past eras, into a business whose sole purpose is to make profits. But knowing myslef and my current inability to manage money, I will wind up setting my beliefs aside (a terrible habit of practicing situational ethics that I have developed over the years) to write for money. Is it better to be humble or cocky? It hurts to be humble. The humble are the stronger of the two. Cockiness is a shield to protect feelings. This is why I am somewhat cocky. :) I couldn't handle being humble. So my hat's off to you truly humble people out there. Another flaw of mine (I just realized that after the situational ethics bit I had a desire to go ahead and share my personality flaws with Dear Diary and Friends). Anyway, another flaw of mine is that I frequently wish I am something I am not. I had just considered wishing that I had more structure and a stronger character a part of this but I decided that wishing that isn't a bad thing because then I can work to build those, which in turn will make me a better person. I'm guilty of wishing I am things I am not still, I wasn't just referrring to that when I started this piece. For instance, I see traits in other people that I wish I could have for my own. I wish I could have my cousin Justin's cool, laid back attitude. I wish I could have Brandon's dance skills (I'm working on it) and guitar skills. I wish I could have James Gager's art skills (no offense to Brandon's 'cause they're awesome and it'd be cool to have them but James has got more of a style that appeals to me). I wish I could have Phillip Cunio's book smarts. I wish I could have Aaron's responsibleness and out-going personality, and I wish I could have the lead singer from Godsmack's voice when singing and DMX's voice when talking. I wish I had Breck Alderman's strength and muscles like he had three years ago. And I wish I had Bill Gates' money. Now with all that said I think I've given enough examples of how I wish to be things I'm not and have things I don't have. Oop, that's a sin. It falls under "thou shalt not covet" in the ten commandments. Now, don't get me wrong. Just 'cause I wish for some extra stuff doesn't mean I'm not happy with who I am. There's times when I'll feel totally bad ass and then there's times when I feel totally humble and not worthy to hang around anyone. Usually I just feel in between which equals contentment. Welp, I gotta go. Big day tomorrow.
current mood:  guilty
current music: Tantric (not Break Down but the other that the radio plays)
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| Tuesday, June 12th, 2001
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1:09 am - Hello to me
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Today was short and sweet. I woke up at 11:30, ate lunch at McDonald's. Came home and went back to sleep until 2. And then I spent the next three hours changing the oil and filter on my truck and looking for the problem with the acceleration. I found that my clutch is going out and the battery was a little low but I've got a feeling that neither of those is the real problem. Swordfish is and awesome movie! I've seen it twice in a week and I'm going to see it a third time on Thursday. It seems like it's been an eternity since graduation. I still don't understand how it's only been three weeks. I've pretty much forgotten about it. Until someone else brings it up. I spent a couple days afterward cleaning up all my old high school stuff and feeling a little down but it passed. Tonight I watched American Beauty. There's a movie that makes me think. Aaron introduced me to it two nights ago. It's a good movie though. The reason I brought up the high school stuff is because I read Cher's journal and it made me think again about the things that were in my head right after graduating. I thought how life is divided into main stages that most people go through: birth, starting grammar school, starting middle school, starting high school, starting college, starting a career, getting married, starting a family, retiring, death. Obviosly, with each beginning listed, there is also an end. Out of 10 major stages I am on the 5th. And I'm only 17 years old! Probably only about a 5th of the way through my life if this generation lives to be a hundred like the AP Lit teacher Mrs. Doerr used to tell us. That's kind of scary to be halfway through the steps and only a 5th of the way through my life. No wonder people go through mid life crises. See, there's another scary thing. I'm only 17 and already a mid life crises sounds sensible. I mean jeez, you're 35 and find yourself stuck between starting a career and retiring with a wife and a kid and no where to go and no easy way out. That just sounds depressing to me. I used to think it'd be nice to get married, have kids, and settle down. Now it seems more like being strapped to huge board and let loose with someone saying, "there ya go, now have a nice life buddy." My plans for the future, and ideas about life have shifted 180 degrees since beginning high school. I used to know exactly what I wanted to to (or think I knew anyway) when I graduated. Now that I'm here I have no clue what I want. I just know that in two months I'm going to be going to UF counting the seconds 'till I have to make a final decision about my entire future. I used to be all good and Christian and parents loved me and it made me feel good but now I'm bad compared to me back then and parents still love me. But it makes me feel hypocritical rather than good. It makes me feel like I'm projecting an image that isn't really me. Inspite of my confusion I'm still pretty happy about life. I can't believe El saw my alien faces and stole them. I went up to the BP the other day to get a pack of cloves with Aaron and it's the only place from here to Orlando that sells them and I was paying for them as a treat to Aaron who hasn't ever had them but they were sold out! What kind of shit is that? It's a conspiracy against my friend I tell ya. Ha, I wonder how many people would've caught that twist if I weren't asking it right now. I wonder what I'll be like in 4 years. If I turned around 180 degrees in the four years I was in high school and then I turn around another 180 degrees while I'm in college...that'd be 360 degrees, a full circle, so I'd be right back where I was 8 years ago. Well, 8 years ago 4 years from now. :) If there's someone out there to complete everyone then whoever's out there for me isn't going to be much of a person 'cause I'm not missing much. Lol, that was nice...I like that. I remember watching the Nebraska Corn Husker's championship movie one morning almost 3 years ago (10th grade), in the varsity locker room the day of a game. The song played in it was Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight". When it was over I was totally pumped to play. It still gets me pumped to hear it. I never realized before this year how spontaneous I am. I get bored very easily. Now I'm bored with the way I look. I need some changes. First thing will have to be an earring in a month when I turn 18. I got a little clip on hoop thingy and it looks pretty tight I guess. I dunno what else I'll do. James got his tongue pierced, both ears pierced, his nipple pierced, and he bleached his hair blonde. I'm not gonna do all that but I'm thinking the earring, tongue ring (maybe), and the hair (not totally bleached). I hope I don't decide to get much crazier than that because I hate a lot of piercings and I know big tatoos are stupid. Unfortunately, I don't know that I'll still know that after a year of being on my own with a bunch of crazy college students. I don't have many friends left in Titusville this week. Brandon is in Houston or Germany, Cher is in Washington DC, Aaron will be leaving back to Orlando tomorrow, JD is in Tennesse, and Troy is somewhere in Europe. Mainly all that's left of my good friends is El. But she's busy most of the week. I need a job. But I hate the idea of working fast food. I shouldn't be so picky. But I am. Can you tell I'm out of stuff to say? Well, I'm not really. I'm just out of stuff I WANT to say. But the other things I could say will more than likely wind up in this journal eventually. It's getting late (1 am) so I'm going to bed.
current mood: mellow
current music: Phil Collins "In the Air Tonight"
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| Friday, June 8th, 2001
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2:56 am - Pissed
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Ok ok ok....here goes. I don't get it. I harbor no resentment toward Stacie. We did not fight or anything at the end of the friendship. It just sorta died out and I think Jordan stepped in to fill up my space and the space left over from Chris that I couldn't fill. Anyway, so the deal is that I was on the net today and BB told me that she had been out with some friends and someone said my name (it might have been her) and some of the other girls were like "Heath is psycho. You shoulda heard some of the stuff Stacie said about him." BB, being the bestest cousin that I have, got mad and defended me saying that they're judging me wihtout knowing me and based on a one sided case. I don't know what it was that Stacie said. This really doesn't matter much to me about the people thinking I'm psycho or whatever because I don't live anywhere near those people and they don't even know me other than name and face from when I've visited up there. The only part that matters is that Stacie has really disappointed me. I haven't said anything bad about her and have nothing bad to say about her. I don't consider what I said in my last journal to be a bad thing. Simply a fact. The only thing I can think of that Stacie could have told them is my thoughts on various aspects of life and that I hated Christie for a very long time and bore a lot of resentment for what she did. Now all I can say is that I'm over it and I've done better. However, Kimberely (Stacie's best friend that Stacie told this stuff to) is a whiz when it comes to books and air headed about anything else. She didn't like me from the first time I saw her I don't believe. We've never been mean to each other. I just don't think she likes me. Which makes absolutely no difference to me at all. It's just that if she doesn't like me then she wouldn't have a problem with talking bad about me. Anyway, I think a WHOLE lot and I think about nearly everything. I naturally look for substance in nearly all experiences and situations. However, most people my age don't understand people who think a lot because they want to live their lives like "blah, whatever man." So when they don't understand it they want to look down on it. Stacie and I were real tight for awhile so she knew a lot of what I thought about because I told her. Maybe she went and told the highlights to some of her friends and that's how they came up with that psycho bullshit. At any rate, the things I think about are sometimes off the wall and funny but nothing even touches on being sick and perverted or being hurtful to others. So now that all that has been said I can move on. Today was just a laid back day pretty much. Even my workout was laid back. I talked with Stephanie some more tonight. I don't know her real well but it's cool how she seems to be totally her own person. "Hey El, puff puff give baby. You had enough." ;) I told you I'd do it didn't I Eliana. Shame shame. I can't believe you want to smoke pot. That stuff is bad for you. It's illegal too. What would your parents think if they found out? Tsk tsk. I hate running into old aquaintences. I would rather see my friends everyday and then I would rather see new people everyday. Not acquaintences. That part where you pass by and wonder whether or not to say "hello" is uncomortable. So I usually just don't say anything unless they say something to me. I feel pretty bad ass tonight. I'm tired right now. But I still feel cool. Oop, dad found my creatine today. A couple years ago he wouldn't let me and now that he found it he doesn't care. It's a good thing too 'cause if he did I woulda just had to have rehidden it and that would have been a pain in the arse. Hmmm...I'm about out of stuff to say. I'm still thinking things but it's not things that I have into words yet. In finding Forrester, Forrester told the kid to type without thinking until the words came together. I've never tried that and I'm actually afraid to believe it or not. I would like to believe it's true but what if it's not? It would definitely save time. I hate it when I'm reading a good book and I'm really getting into it and I'm visualizing all the action and then all the sudden I realize that I'm just reading words on a page. Then I have to work to get back into it again. I wonder if that would happen. I'm typing along just fine and then i think "You know what? I'm not actually thinking about this. I'm just letting the words flow." At that point, all the words would shut off and I'd have to get the rolling again. I hate it when I get the urge to cut someone down. I enjoy doing it and making them mad but when I'm done and they're all ticked off then it's no fun anymore. So I have to resist the tempation. Oh, tonight I read a quote that I like. It's by Oscar Wilde (I have no idea who that is but his quote is good): "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it." I need to close my eyes and type everything I see mentally. WOuldn't that be good practice? I mean, after all, isn't writing all about making another person see something exactly the way the writer does? Ok, let's see...I'm gonna start by being straight with myself. I'm an asshole and I know it. Maybe I'm not as bad as some people I know but I'm pretty bad. I'm also a chauvinist most of the time. Unless a girl can prove she's different and better than all the others then I won't like her and if I can then I'll use her. When I use someone for just messing with I feel hollow. But at the same time I feel a sense of accomplishment just for being able to do it kind of like some criminals commit crimes just to try to get away with it. I haven't used many girls as of yet. Actually I've only used 1 or two. But I dont' want to be a "player" or anything like that. If I'm gonna play then both of us need to be having fun. I know that makes me less of an asshole but so be it. I'm not out to be the worst person alive I'm just out to be myself and if being a dick sometimes is apart of that then so be it. Like tonight...I feel like going off on anything and everything around. I'm not racist but I could go off on....fuck fuck fuck. Ok, here's my problem tonight. El thinks she loves this dude and the guy just seems like a "hotheaded kid that's angry at the world and likes to throw out random stereotypes in order to justify it." Her defense for him was "lot's of ppl have hurt him" Aww poor baby....So I suppose everyone else is just supposed to tolerate his shit because he needs to nurse his wounds right? NO Dammit! The world didn't wait for me to get over my hurts it didn't wait for James to get over his it didn't wait for Aaron to get over his or the other Aaron to get over his...The world keeps spinning on the same axis in the same orbit around the same sun in the same galaxy and it does not give a FUCK who has a problem or what the hell it is! Well, I felt a little anger drain with that. Let's try some more. So now....why should I care about this other guy that I don't know? Why should it bother me that he's mad at the world? Well, for one reason it's because one of the stereotypes he so carelessly flung out there included me as a part of it and secondly because El thinks she's in love with this guy because she's known him a long time and he's changed recently and she wants him to change back to the way things used to be. I've learned something in my experience with most ladies. It isn't how big of a dick you have that matters, it's how big of a dick you are. The bigger the dick you are, the more women you attract. I do not like being a dick to people. But if you want any girls at all that's what you've gotta do. Now if any girls read this they're gonna shake their heads and get mad at me for saying this stuff but I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I HAVE WATCHED THE SAME SCENARIO PLAYED OUT OVER AND OVER AND OVER FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS WHERE THE PRICK GETS THE GIRL AND THE NICE GUY FINISHES LAST! I used to be a nice guy and I got nothing for it. Only a few girls can handle and appreciate a guy being nice to them and not take it for granted when they're given the the attention they THINK they want. Back to what I was saying before though. I don't like being a dick but it's the only way I can get girls. There is a barrier for prickeshness that one must be careful not to cross when dealing with the female gender but that varies from lady to lady and according to how well acquainted I am with them. Usually the ones that I'm good friends with are the exceptions to all the negative things I've said about them so if you're a girl and still a good friend of mine then you're a good person. And there's many other girls out there that are good people too. But to all you shallow bitches out there I'm just gonna say fuck you! I'll enjoy using you and making you feel like what you're worth! Nothing! Now with all that said I can sit and wait for all this stuff to come back around and bite me in the ass. Pride goeth before the fall. I'm gonna hit hard. But that's the way I'm feeling tonight. BTW, you know what got me started on this? I read some other dude named Chris' journal tonight. I don't know Chris that well but I ran into it after going through a couple of other friends' things. Now Chris...well, his journal at the beginning was just like mine would've been if I would've written it this time last year when I was his age. I know what he's going through or went through. It's hard stuff. So it made me mad to find out that dumb girls were doing the same shit to him as they used to do to me and probably will again eventually. They kept going for the other guy while telling him to be himself and he's a great guy and the sweetest guy they knew and yadda yadda yadda you know all the BS that girls can dish out to a guy feelin down. What they don't know is that it doesn't help at all when they're feeling good after the pep talk and just get knocked lower with every failure. Well, I'm out for the night. Good luck with the ladies Chris. It's hard to keep up sometimes. 'Night everyone.
current mood: pissed off
current music: Limp Bizkit "Break Stuff"
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| Monday, June 4th, 2001
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3:00 am
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It's been a long night trying to save the world...or at least my friends. Eliana told me about this thing. Seems pretty nifty to me. Speaking of Eliana...I can do a lot with her as the subject. I gave her advice tonight when she didn't need advice. She needed me to listen. But the things she was telling me about sound so similar to the hell I just went through getting over my pride and the fact that I got screwed over by Christie. I wanted to try to save her from that so I told her the things I learned out of it. That serves as more evidence that it's impossible to make anyone else happy. I've learned that I can't live my life for other people. It's not like I have one to share and one to keep myself. I've got one and it's mine just like everyone else has one and it's theirs. There is one person that knows me better than anyone else and she knows me so well it's scary. It's not just that she knows about me because anyone can know things about me. She knows how I will react to things, she knows what I want to hear and when I want to hear it...it's freaky sometimes but not in a bad way. Eliana is such a smart girl but she's so confused she seems like she's going to spend her senior year of high school, which isn't a huge deal to her since she's not actually in high school, confused and miserable. That brings up another thing. The ending of a stage of life. "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day until the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools, the way to dusty death, out out brief candle! life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." I miss AP Literature. I miss high school already and I haven't even started college. That's rather ironic since I couldn't wait to graduate just a couple weeks before. I find it strange how when people leave my life or I move on to a new part, it feels like there is a hole inside my physical body. Stacie taught me a lesson too that I just now thought of. She taught me not to put all your faith in one person because chances are good that they will let you down. Thanks Stace. I needed that. I've learned a lot in this last year. That could be a result of actually looking for the good in the bad though. I've been feeling good for quite sometime now. I don't feel stress, I don't feel anything but good for the most part. The only time I felt even a little bad today was thinking back over my friendship with Stacie right up to the points where we changed and broke off. Stacie used to be like Cheryl is (not quite as good at predicting me but she knew me well considering the amount of time I got to actually spend with her). Now Stacie has this fella named Jordan as her best friend. She fucking forgot entirely about the whole two years that I was there for her when she was down about Chris and how I did everything I could for her considering the distance between us and...that part right there is what pisses me off. I pinpointed it. It's that she just seems to have forgotten what she used to credit me with. I guess I didn't originally do it for the credit. I just want her to remember me is all. Yes, maybe we're different people now and nothing can be done about that. But the fact remains that we had some good conversations and we had some good times together the few times we were able to be together. She was part of the best summer of my life (the summer between 10th and 11th grades) I'm gonna try to make this one the best though and now there's a new group participating. Those people would be my good friends JD, Cheryl of course, Brandon, Aaron, Eliana (things will straighten out for you if you work to straighten them out yourself). There's so many things to write tonight. "Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner/ sometimes I feel like my only friend is/ the city I live in/ the city of angel/lonely as I am/ together we cry/ I drive on the streets 'cause she's my companion/ I walk throught the fields 'cause she knows who I am/ She sees my good deeds and she kisses the winded(?)/ I never worry/ now that is a lie. I don't ever wanna feel/ like I did that day/ Take me to the place I love/ take me all the way....." That song makes me think of being anonymous in a huge city. Sometimes I feel like it would be nice to live that way. No one having the time to condemn me, plenty of people with an insatiable desire to rebel like I have. I would like to step into New York City and dissolve into the people. I had more to say but it's getting extremely late and I have to be at the gym at 7:00 tomorrow morning.
current mood: complacent
current music: Red Hot Chilli Peppers "City of Angel"
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