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(1 Ripple | Make a splash ) [05 Jan 2002|02:02pm] I have TONS more to say... but cant right now... so I'll just leave it like his... I was right. I was SO gdamn right. hmm...

(Make a splash ) Random Thoughts [04 Jan 2002|06:15am] [ mood | depressed ] 1. Apples do not equal Oranges, no matter how hard you try to make them 2. My radar is actually getting better. I wonder why that is. 3. I should prolly get some sleep, seeing as I have work at 830am 4. At my sleepiest, my thoughts are most profound, but also very easily lost 5. I couldnt possibly hate my job more if i tried 6. JBs are nothing but trouble 7. I really dont want to give up something I love, to cut down on the drama, but I cant think of any other way 8. If I knew why I was still holding on, trust me I would be over it by now. 9. I should prolly go back to taking NQ. It seems the longer i stay up, the worse my mood gets 10. Why is it the things you think you know, that you think you can depend on, always seem to screw you the worst ... OK enough of me being emo. must sleep.

(1 Ripple | Make a splash ) [04 Jan 2002|05:56am] You are the Teddy Bear cracker. So soft and nice you can cuddle up to just about anyone but when you get mad you get mad! But put those claws away so many people like you! Take the animal crackers test.

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(1 Ripple | Make a splash ) [03 Jan 2002|08:24pm] [ mood | depressed ] The answer should be easy. After all, its right there in front of me. Why is it so damn hard for me to think about what I need, rather than what i want. I mean, i know whats going to happen, anyone who really knows me, knows what will happen. I can try and lie and kid myself, " No, it wont be like that, everything will be fine." Heh i dont even believe myself. Why is it so hard to admit, that I cant? That if I do, it will just make things worse on myself? A very stupid part of me wants to believe that I can go, and I'll have a great time... but... the smart part of me knows there's that but... that will prevent that. That one little thing, that will ruin my nite. I mean, sure, I'll be around good friends, lots of friends, but i know, once it starts to kick in, soon enough, I'll start trippen. Hell, bone sober I start trippen. And this time, when i trip, nobody will be able to bring me out of it. They cant, anymore. I should just be smart and stay the hell home. I just need to admit, that yes, it is too soon, whether i like it or not.

(1 Ripple | Make a splash ) [01 Jan 2002|09:28pm] 1. too many scenes in this town are too damn small 2. I hate the way Nyquil just *smacks* ur stomach 3. hah let me stress this again.... its a SMALL WORLD! 4. Now that its 2002, Im having too many options, and no clue which one to go with 5. remind me to smack a certain jackass tomorrow 6. J-B and a half !! 7. um... *sleep*

(Make a splash ) [01 Jan 2002|08:53pm] I had a very good nite. And well, i havent really slept yet. Hah its gonna catch up to me later. Hella people, all crammed into one tiny apt, but it was So much fun. Um... u know its bad when inanimate objects start talking to ya. hah. I am just tired and worn out and damn did i need that. heh. I have some really good friends, i just need to remember that. :) I had a lot more to write, i just dont remember. Sleep deprivation. Heh. gnite all.

(3 Ripples | Make a splash ) [31 Dec 2001|02:19pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Wyclef Jean - It Doesn't Matter (feat The Rock) ] pink was just NOT an appropriate color for me, at least not right now. I am not that damn perky, especially now.... SO i picked a much more appropriate color for my current mood / state of mind / whatever. I look better in this color anyways. hah.

(4 Ripples | Make a splash ) [30 Dec 2001|10:59pm] what do you do when you dont think you'll make it to the new year even though its only a few days away.

(1 Ripple | Make a splash ) [29 Dec 2001|10:02pm] [ mood | listless ] mood swings are not my friend. especially the destructive ones.

(2 Ripples | Make a splash ) Something to Remember [27 Dec 2001|12:18am] Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. thanks to bertrande

(1 Ripple | Make a splash ) [26 Dec 2001|12:37am] [ mood | sleepy ] Poll #14230: Hair color Open to: all, results viewable to: all What color should i dye my hair next? View Answers Ruby Red 3 (14.3%) Blood Red 2 (9.5%) Cupcake Pink 0 (0.0%) Blue Velvet 5 (23.8%) Electric Blue 2 (9.5%) Burgundy Wine 1 (4.8%) Lime Light 2 (9.5%) Deep Purple 4 (19.0%) Pimpin Purple 1 (4.8%) Sonic Green 1 (4.8%) Technically i can get away with it at work, so Im not too concerned about that. Im just not sure what color to try next, or if i should stick to my old colors.

(Make a splash ) [25 Dec 2001|06:47pm] [ mood | moody ] reading my entries i wrote too long ago, is a bad idea Xmas was okay Damn Im such a good liar is it new years yet? working on my plan hell maybe I'll jump right in eh, nothing to lose for sure next paycheck i will get new ink or steel therapy for me Living by my rules is hard while living at home rebel in small ways lesbian circles often are incestuous bad kitty! Be good Feels like you dont care I'll pretend not to care too color us liars Haikus are simple yet they get my point across better than rambling rich brat candy kid now seems interested Please! you had your chance Too much laundry now even more cleaning to do must get off L-J

(2 Ripples | Make a splash ) [25 Dec 2001|05:16pm] Merry Xmas everyone!

(5 Ripples | Make a splash ) [24 Dec 2001|03:07pm] I need the strength to get through this. I dont want to go. But its family, its necessary for me to make an appearance. That and the fact we're also celebrating my moms Bday. So Im obligated to go. Nothing even has to happen and Im ready to burst into tears. I dont want to cry, i dont want to let on. I just want to act like its all ok. I dont want to bring everyone down. I dont see how i can do this, but I have to.

(6 Ripples | Make a splash ) [23 Dec 2001|05:38pm] I should probably go on the 29th? I do like gatherings... the past few have been fun, if not interesting. Hopefully I can get myself in an at least somewhat better mood? I wont go if I feel I'll be a damper on things. Hmm. Yet another reason to snap out of this. Heh, i dont think I'll ever get used to people i know IRL reading my journal.

(4 Ripples | Make a splash ) [23 Dec 2001|05:21pm] [ mood | depressed ] You think that empty space, that gaping hole, can be filled with almost anything else. Sleep to much, drink too much, roll too much. Cut too much. But that hole is still there, still empty, still hurts. The people you're around, cant fill that hole either. As much as Ive tried, my heart doesnt accept substitutes. Its not the same, and Im left feeling just as empty as I did going in. Its my own fault, I knew it wouldnt help any. I mean, it didnt help me feel any better. Im a little smarter, so I guess thats a good thing. I feel like such a Scrooge. Im trying to be happy and smile and wish everyone a merry christmas and let everyone think nothing is wrong, but its so hard to be fake and happy when its taking all you have not to slip into the bathroom with the razor for a few. I havent even gone Xmas shopping yet. I mean, yea i could actually get it all done today. Im going to have to. Its going to be hell. Im already feeling as worse as I possibly could, but now I have to face all the last minute shoppers scrambling to finish their shopping. I think its safe to say I can expect a panic attack. Its not going to be pretty. I wrote a decent paragraph, before i realized that it didnt even make any sense to me.Too vague. So i'll just make the rest of my thoughts pvt.

(Make a splash ) [22 Dec 2001|05:16pm] [ mood | blah ] there has to be a better alternative to my "impulses" then just sleeping them away.

(Make a splash ) [22 Dec 2001|12:57pm] [ mood | hopeful ] My late nite insomniac spells lately have actually been producing some possibly good ideas. Im not going to get all worked up over them, but its a thought. Who knows it might actually be a decent possibility. I might be able to help myself out. Lets just hope something comes out of this, lord knows i need a change.

(6 Ripples | Make a splash ) [20 Dec 2001|10:52pm] Am i getting more andro or something? I mean, ok, my hair is kinda growing out, and its not spikey no more... but i thought that would make me look more like a grrl? Instead Im getting called sir more than ever.. and im hearin more of those "Is that a guy or a grrl?" comments. Im even passin when im not even trying in the first place. hmm.

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