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LiveJournal for the etard.
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| Thursday, March 21st, 2002 |
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holy fuckin'-cannoli... what an emotionally and physically exhausting day for me... last night after i wrote my journal i had to replace 50 gallons of fish tank water because i think something was kiling the fish.. and that took like 2 hours.. so i was tired and went to bed. i woke up at the ass crack of dawn, did my email, took a shower, and went to school to study at the university library, and i've been living in the library pretty much all day. just before i left for school i brewed a cup of dark roast cuban coffee supersaturated in sugar, took half a day's dose of ephedrine, and a cup of coca cola for breakfast.. for some reason the caffeine didn't kick in till mid afternoon, and when it came, i thought i was having a panic anxiety attack.. plus the electricity went out in the library and all 8 stories of the building was lit with emergency lights powered by a back-up generator... my problem was the air conditioning system was shut down and it got real hot inside the library real fast.. all the computer terminals were down so no one could search for jack shit and his sister in the electronic catalogues.. it was a nightmare, especially since it is dead smack in the middle of finals week. but nonetheless, the books i needed to check out were in extreme demand so i was only able to get 2 hours loans, and be placed on a waiting list when i wanted to renew it. between burning out my brain and the anxiety attack, i just was ready to give up. most of the work i've done all day was read about conversation principles, ethics, rules, and interpersonal theories.. i mean i knew all the stuff, and plus i had a very fresh and very rich array of personal examples to reflect upon, so studying was actually an emotionally stressful event for me. reading the literature made me realize a lot about what's going on with me.. why i still harass some of my ex's, why i'm always feeling dialectica tensions with my boyfriend, why i behave and interact in a certain way. i mean my gut instincts have never failed me, save one time, and they are always right.. but the literature which is theoretically based and grounded with emperical, scientific means (i treat science like a religion), and it just crystalized for me what i've been thinking and feeling.. the literature provided me a guided structure for all the chaos in my mind.. i mean yes i understand each and every individual thing i see in my relationships as independent acts.. but when i try to string it all together and make sense of the world, i get no where. the two topics that made me shout aloud in the library ah -ha! where conflict and types of love. it was a sad realization, but now i understand why david likes me. but i didn't let this get in my mood until i actually saw him this afternoon and every single utterance that came out his mouth was predictable.. it was as if i was imagining and anticipating what he was about to say, and like mind-reading, he would say it nearly word for word... and that's when iu realized that david's love for me is the passionate, sexually exciting fling kind of love.. and i am looking for more of the chick stuff.. like empathy, understanding, togethernes.. you know, all that mushy stuff.. i mean yeah i kinda sorta maybe but not really knew this all before.. but actually reading it in a textbook just made it crystal clear for me. how sad. i had a long conversation with my sister as soon as i finished my final, which sucked major ass! i think i earned an A- or a B+ on the exam, but the way the exam was administered and structured was a classic joke. it was no better than crossword puzzles. anyways, i'm about to come into a large sum of money, and i'm gonna pay off my car and give it to my sister. then i'm gonna either lease or buy a new car, since i have kick-ass credit and she doesn't. this isn't gonna happen now or tomorrow, but within the next 3 months. alls i knows is i want a shoney black car with nice rims and an engine that's tame when she's steady, but roars like a hurricane when i put my twinkle toes on the gas... basically i want a car that's modest, but has the shit to back its looks and beauty up. mustangs are kewl, but everyone and their momma has one of those these days. i really like the prelude's, but i need to spend money and time fixing it up to the way i want it. i really don't like domestic cars in general, so i'll most likely buy a foreign car. my sister and i spent half an hour on my cell phone fantasizing about cars. so i got home (to david's house) and we hung out. david manipulated his brother into going to the store for a while, and that left time for david and i to cuddle. even though i was in a good mood, i wasn't really in the mood to have sex, but he gave me a light blowjob anyways. at first i was like, oh no, here we go again but david did the most exciting thing.. he filled his mouth with those crackling candy thingies that make crackling sounds and tickle your tongue upon contact with saliva, and he gave me head with that.. ooooohhh my fucking god, that was sensational.. it's like getting head with a mouth full of moist rice krispies.. it just felt soo god damn good.. but we didn't have time to cum cuz his brother came home early. david just kept talking about spending the night over at my house tomorrow, so that means i have to clean this place up. david is extremely jazzed that i can now spend more time with him now that i am on spring break. but you know me, good old drama queen, i just have to cause chaos and entropy for all.. so i got into a small conversation with david's brother about his ex girlfriend who just happens to be david's fag hag. at first i was following good ethics by being a good listener, encouraging him to talk about his frustrations and letting him know that i sincerely care.. however i had a hidden agenda, and i responded and provided feedback to his brother with an unusually loud volume, because i was signifying to david some of these issues.. especially about expressing love and affection for the sake of relationships, not to score sex and use someone. david isn't using me, but i just wanted to exhaust that just in case... you know what they say.. if the shoe fits, wear it. david would chime in the conversation every now and then his thoughts, but they were very insulting and backstabbing to his fag hag. and right in the middle of his discourse she walked in the apartment and like the snap of a finger we all instinctually changed the topic with such fluidity and ease, she never suspected that 5 seconds before we were talking mad shit about her. now mind you, david doesn't talk shit about anyone voluntarily. he has to be induced into it.. my goal was to see if he reacted to my thoughts, but an unexpected result was found instead. he was just ragging and railing on about his fag hag, but he turned into a chameleon. i'll explain why this is important to me later. but anyways, the other david (mary) came home and wanted to talk with me because he was some ultra good news for himself... so he and i went outside to escape the madness to talk. david was telling me that he got an email from his ex boyfriend, scott. david said he cried so hard because he was thankful to know scott is still alive and not dead. everyone thought scott was a gonner, because he disappeared. rumors have it he got in a bad drug deal, some say he moved to another state, i mean it was just all over the map. but yes, scott is alive. i think about 10 or 15 livejournal entries ago i wished the best birthday present to david (mary) would be scott, and if i had any power, i would bring them together, if i ever located scott.. now i had absolutely no influence on this even, this is both random and coincidental. well, i did see a phat shooting star the other night and made a wish... anyways, i'm very very happy for david, however this contact has raised some new issues for david and his existing set of friends which could be disasterous, however i pinky-sweared i wouldn't talk about that detail in particular... even in my journal so i'll shut up about that. anyways, after david disclosed to me, he looked at me for his approval, and i wasn't trying to fake anything, i mean i was genuinely happy for him, but my nonverbal cues was telling him otherwise. david (mary) finally asked me was was wrong, and i told him that my feelings toward david (whigger) are changing for the worst. now that i figured him out, i have just lost motivation.. and i was very sure in this decision, in that this isn't just a whim or someting that will go away in an hour, but i am having a hard time enjoying my company with him, only because everything about his motivations for me now makes sense. david (mary) is a good listener and someone i seek advice from. he will conceal information from me for my benefit or if he thinks it will hurt me, but he will never fabricate an out-right lie to make me feel betterl he's quite honest with me, but david (mary) told me david (whigger) does talk about me, obsessively, and not in just sexual context but also in the long term future. david (mary) is probably the leading expert on relationships, from platonic (like how ours is), to one night stands, to long term marriage-bound, to short-term spurs, i mean david (mary) has seen and experienced them all, so i know his observations and noting david's (whigger) interest in me is more atuned what i'm looking for. so YET AGAIN just when i have the world figured out, i loose my sense of conception and now i'm back to confusion and wondering again. no, david (mary) isn't lying to me, but what he's telling me contradicts what i believe.. and i believe his word over my own guts because david (whigger) does talk with david (mary) about everthing.. david (whigger) in my opinion (yes, i love the guy, but i do have criticism about him) isn't cognitively sophisticated enough to use and harness the enertia of gossip and rumor for his utility, so i don't think he's just saying this all to david (mary) knowing it will get to me.. i think he was saying this all purely for the sake venting his obsession. this is good. brandon (sally) and corrina came over. i rally hate them both. i used to like them, but they both actually behave and act like they are superior class.. mind you, both of them do come from very wealthy families, david (mary) comes from a middle class family, and david (whigger) and i come from poverty. and they both spoke with each other in such a scripted manner, like i was watching a soap opera of the royal family. but when either interacted with the rest of the house hold, i got the sensation that i'm some humble low life imposing unto an elite, especially when bradon would snap his head, limp his wrist, and give me the, what do YOU want now? as if my time isn't valuable enough... corrina isn't that much different, except she is more blatent and deliberate in letting us know she is aware of her snoody attitude. i just couldn't stand it.. eventually they left. david (mary) has been in and out all night. so david (whigger) and i watched Blues Brothers on cable.. i wanted to cuddle with him but his brother was there.. i mean come on, tony is not stupid (ok, maybe a little) but he already knows that i'm having a sexual relationship with his brother, and yet we act like nothing is going on... there we all are soaking wet and we're acting like it ain't raining. i just want to cuddle with david; his brother isn't gonna say shit or do shit cuz he's terrified of his older brother, and plus tony (even though he's straight) he's addicted to the tv soap opera Queer as Folk... as a matter of fact, he knows more about the plots, the eposides, the characters and all of us in the household put together, and if he misses an episode, he gets all pissy... now THAT is solid evidence that he is not homo-phobic.. as a matter of fact, that's affirmative proof that he's a homo-phile. i just widh david (whigger) would let me cuddle with him.. he wants to too, but he is waiting for his sexuality to become a verbally explicit issue... anyways, the point of my story is studying for my communcation final, all this knowledge and primed and stuctured what i already know and feel... it just made it painfully clear for me. and it affected the way i analyzed everyone today, including the relationship destroying micro-evidence i've been harvesting from david (whigger) to full-ful a self-fulfiling profecy that i am not crazy and i do think we are short term material. when i left his house, i walked home because i needed to think and i needed to process this all. i also emailed everyone on my email list whom i haven't heard from in a while, but wanted to cantact (david's [mary] experience today influenced this).. including some of my ex boyfriends, my last boyfriend's ex boyfriends after me, some friends from high school, etc... i just want to ruffle some stagnant connections and liven them up a bit. i got one response from an ex boyfriend whom i thought was also a friend, but he basically is trying to bribe me to get with him again, and i'm not down for that. i'm not a whore, and if i do whore around, its gonna be for a respectible reason, like male prostitution or depression or something... i ain't no booty call! i'll wrote more later... out. |
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 |
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super busy week for me. i've literally had no time to sleep. i've been busy juggling my job, my school, my boyfriend, and everything else in my life. i went two days just straight solid studying with no sleep, and i told david that i'm unable to see him for a day or two, and he got real sad. so despite everything, i went to his house and we hung out. we went grocery shopping together and then we visited his fag hag. for some reason she thinks i don't like her. at first i did like her but she's been acting wierd around me, so i guess i don't like her now. but i don't care. so i go back to david's house and i just fall asleep. i was so tired i actually put my head down for a second, and when i woke up, i realized my forehead was in the chicken pasta shells he made for me for dinner. i did it again, and this time i got ranch dressing on my cheek. i was so tired i just wanted to die. i had no strength to do anything, i couldn't walk, i couldn't drive, i couldn't lift a finger. so i called a taxi and took a cab home and fell asleep. david felt so bad for me. he also felt bad for himself for taking up so much of my time. i didn't wake up the next morning and i slept through my final. if you are a college student, you know that is the ultimate fatality you can possible do for yourself. i am so exhausted, i don't even care anymore. and david knew i got myself in a lot of shit, so now he is respecting my need for space, privacy, and study time. i think david wants to understand me, but he's having a hard time realizing that i'm a student, first and formost, before i am a boyfriend. so monday night i fell alseep in my dinner, tuesday morning i missed a final, this morning i made it to my other final, and i think i did alright. afterwards i went to the gym to take a shower, but they changed the lock codes to all the lockers, so i went home instead, showered, and took a nap. i went back to the university and studied all day. i wanted to surprise david, so i went to his house but he wasn't home. i stuck around for a while, did his dishes, cleaned his kitchen, brewed a gallon of ice tea for him, and cleaned up the place a little. then david (mary) came home and guess who he was with? brandon!!! (sally) from new york. i totally forgot he was coming back to california. so we all chilled a while and finally david (whigger), tony, and david's son came home. they went out to go see the movie Resident Evil. david (whigger) made dinner for everyone except me, since i told him i already had a burrito at Freebird's in isla vista. then we got into a small argument (a debate, not a fight) about what good mexican food is. he argued for taco bell and freebirds, and i was like no fuckin' way taco bell ain't mexican food; it's comida americana. for some reason, even though my interaction with david was ok, i mean i got to see him, but i didn't spend alone time with him. i wanted to express my sincere appreciation for him giving me my space, but i didn't. i wanted to argue with him, since he is a very argumentative person, and that i did, but i got really no genuine satisfaction from it, i guess because i wasn't being my real self. i was testing the waters and trying to be like him. and i walked away and went to my house feeling a little more distant from him. our encounter seemed like a routine. i wanted to spice things up by surprising him, and i'm sure he was surprised, but i didn't get the feedback i needed to let me know my efforts were successful, because tony, brandon (sally), david (mary) and david's (whigger) son where around, and i was hoping to have him express his gratitude to me in privacy. i don't know. i'm trying to take my attachment to him real slowly, since i don't want to be hurt when he moves away and i change my mind about being with him, but what i am trying to do is accelerate the activities and spice we have for each other, i'm trying to add novelty to the relationship, and i'm trying to experience as much as i can. but it's not working because my attachment goals are conflicting, and my obligation to school and my studies for finals are hindering my efforts. david, on the other hand, was maintaining his pace, but is slowing down because he feels extremely bad for me falling asleep and missing a final, and he can't help but feel at fault for it. so i was walking him and i realized that my world exist in a 6 cubic-inch blob of jelly called my brain, and that the world i see and hear is as predictable as it should be, and i create the tensions and issues in my head. by definition, i am a classic drama queen, but the difference between my past relationships and this one is, in the past i would dislose my drama, and in this relationship, i keep it to myself, and only disclose when it is good. i try to keep a positive image and a happy attitude with david, and so far it's working because he prefers my company over others since i place a high premium on happiness.. so it seems. i feel like i'm two different people. on the outside i'm the person everyone wants me to be, and on the inside i'm how i perceive myself. no, i'm not two-faced because two-faced people have maledictive intentions. i'm having a personality break-through, and i'm slowly becoming a better person by forcing myself to change my attitude and presentation of myself, and i think it's working, because people are treating me with respect. i'm able to articulate my internal dilemas and contruct my reality for people with my good communication skills, and so far it's working. people are begging me left and right to hang out with them, people are seeking me for advice, hell, i even got a raise because i was able to turn a disasterous problem into a logical progression in which my behavior was the best alternative for that given moment in that given context. basically i'm able to project a holigraphic represenation of my brain via dialogue, and i think people see that since i have no hidden agenda, and i'm willing to expose my inner thoughts (the positve one's of course) unto the world, then i must be a sincere guy. well, all this communication theory and jargon is running through my head. i am experiencing incredible stress from school right now, and while the iron is still hot, i believe now is the time to strike it, forge it, and experiment with my personality while it is still maliable, since my stress is my motivation, and my positive feedback is reinforcing my efforts. sadly, i'm starting to realize some issues about my relationship that may destroy it. it has nothing to do with david alone as a person, it has everything to do with the relationship, which is the interaction between us. i'm afraid to explore my thoughts on the issue more, and everytime i step on a tender nerve, i immediately think of another topic. i feel like a skizo, because i'm afraid of the power and potential of my own imagination, and i know, i know it can careen off like a run away train if i don't keep my thoughts in check. yes, i eventually need to process the negative stuff, but i'm trying to delay it as much as possible, and enjoy my relationship as much as i can now.. and when david packs his stuff and moves off, then i think i will be ready to process the bad stuff. lets face it. i like david, and david likes me. our agendas are different though. i wish david would overwhelm me and just dump everything on his mind unto me. he's afraid to because he thinks it will scare me off. i actually want him to go further and farther with me, because i need an external force outside my craziness in my head to affirm my self-worth, to tell me i'm wanted, needed, and valued. david is holding his tongue because he knows i'm still processing my own issues, but i want to accelerate this. i'll shut up, cuz i'm rambling |
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| Sunday, March 17th, 2002 |
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wow, last night was probably the most romantic night david (whigger) and i have ever had. david (mary) was supposed to go to a rave with david (carp), danny, eddie, sean, armando, gio, and tony, but the rave got cancelled, so david (mary), david (carp), danny, eddie, sean, armando, and gio went to some local mini-party at some hotel or something or other, and tony was gonna stay home cuz he was in a shitty mood. david (whigger) was getting really angry because tony wanted to buy 10 hits of ecstacy but couldn't find it so he was just acting like a real bitch. so those two had a verbal arguement/debate for about an hour. i smoked a joint and was stoned off my ass, and it was funny for me to listen to those two argue about the most stupid shit in the world, but i was getting a kick out of it. david (mary) walked in the house and shut them both up, and david (carp) and i were just sitting there laughing our asses off cuz it was like deaf comedy jam up in that apartment. armando was there and he and i had a converasation writing notes back anf forth to each other, since he is deaf and the only person who can speak sign language is david (mary). so armando and i wrote long letters back and forth to each other just gossiping and talking trash about random people whom we both dislike. armando seemed like a really nice guy tonight. i mean yeah i was originally pissed at him but he sorta kinda apoligzed and redeemed hismelf to me. david (whigger) and i were getting kinda hungry since everyone else already ate, so we walked to fat burger and had really good grill broiled fat burgers for dinner. so it wasn't exactly the candle light dinner we had originally planned, but for me it was good enough because i felt so close to david. i felt like we were two bandits trying to escape social reality to find our own little quiet space. i swear to god, if you have ever seen the movie trick, then you know EXACTLY how he and i were feeling.. we felt like gabriel and josh in that movie, spending our whole night trying to be alone. since tony didn't seem like he was gonna go out, david (whigger) and i decided to go back to my apartment. at first i thought that wasn't a good idea because my roommates were having a party celebrating the ucsb basketball teams making it into the ncaa tournaments, but we went to my house anyways. we were hoping david's son could sleep on the couch, but some drunk random guy was already hung over on my couch. but we put his son to sleep anyways by lullifying him with a movie on cable network tv. when we got to my apartment, i spent a few minutes trying to clean it up a bit. since david and his son are heavily into nature, biological science, and animals, they both had a kick trying to watch my turtle attack and eat 3 giant pond goldfish. since the fish are too big for him to eat, at most he can kill them or paralyze them. my turtle was just fucking the shit outta my fish, and david and his son were watching this all like a spectator sport, saying, oooohhh and aaaahhh every now and them. and as we laid there on the floor talking about like in general, i felt like i was in invisible outsider looking in on the intimacies that go on between a father and his son, where everything the father said had a lesson to be learned behind it, and a dydactic purpose behind it all... as if he was still teaching his son about the birds and the bees of life.. i mean this sensation felt like i was peeking into a very magical and very private and very intimate understanding and love, starting at the bond a father and son have for each other.. one the provider, the other still trying out his new wings under supervision. i wasn't sure if i am supposed to be a part of this process, but it felt very magical. see, i was never ever close to my dad, and to my knowledge, i don't ever recall having him kiss me goodnight, and i never recall me ever telling him i love my dad. so witnessing a father express his love is a phenomenon to me.. i mean yeah i see it on tv, you know, those perfect families where everyone loves everyone, and there are two parents and their own home in a suburban neighborhood.. but to see it with my own eyes... a gay single father has the same capabilities to be just as prototypical a great role model father, just strikes awe and wonder in my eyes.. and for a while i felt like i don't belong there, like i shouldn't see this interaction, but when david turned to me and kissed me in the same breath as he kissed his son goodnight, and then he murmered, my two boys..., i felt so protected, and so loved at that moment, and i felt so important for his happiness... it was incredible, and i can't replicate the emotion right now, i can only describe it at most... later on david and i kissed and cuddled. we were having so much fun just putting our life's obligations aside and acting out our sexuality with each other. david is really into doing little things that add kink, spice, and ingenuinity to a sexual and romantic relationship, so he put a chocolate flavored condom on me and had fun playing with that for a while.. getting head with a condom on doesn't feel as great as getting head without one, but for some reason, it was just emotionally stimulating for me, i guess because i had the awareness that we are trying something new, and enjoying it, so aside from physical sensuality, it was just emotionally overwhealming for me.. especially when i would rebound my head and see david just giving me mad head, i mean just putting all his essense into it... david loves to give head, he really enjoys that a lot, and he especially gets a kick when he looks up every now and then, sees me stare at him in the eyes, and we non-verbally communicate how much we are so into each other. later he lubed me, got up on me like a cowboy getting on a saddle, and worked me into him slowly. his breathing was just hyper, like he was practicing lamaze. and after he was comfortable, i just banked on top of him and fucked him nice and slowly, but deep. david was so into me at that moment, we were like one. we did this for a long time and i think i'm pretty good at controlling my cumming, like i have good mental discipline and know the techniques and exercizes for extending an orgasm, and i was going good for a while, but at one point, i just couldn't help it, and i came in him.... pretty violently, like i was just shooting my entire being into him. after 20 minutes of rest, david put on an extra large condom (cuz he's big like that) and i got up on him like a cowboy on a saddle and made myself comfortable.. and he repeated the same onto me as i unto him... not for one single second did sex with him become boring or predictable or monotanous. every thrust was like it was the first one, and every thrust just made my face squint and my muscles contract, i swear i was sweating like i just walked out the gym by the time david came in me. but i learned two very important discoveries about our sex tonight. well, while i was fucking david, i thought i heard him say something like, i... lu... you.. i luugh... you... and i asked him, whaaa?... whaat? you'd think we can't speak english, but you have to realize we both are breathing like we just ran a merathon... i really wasn't sure what david said. i am going to blame it on wishful thinking. i mean it was a real wake up call because i wasn't expecting to hear him say anything like.. i mean i understand he was having an ultra-romantic passionate moment and maybe his subconscious thoughts were surfacing, but i still think it is way too early to say something like that.. i mean i think i... luugh... him too, but i would never verbalize those thoughts aloud because i know the consequences of going too fast. david would not repeat what i asked him what he said, i think because my grilling him to say it again inheretely put his thoughts back into his deep dark shadows of his consciousness... david has never told me he loved me, and i have never told him i loved him. that utterance is strictly reserved for when we mean it.. and unlike inexperienced 15 or 16 year olds who tell their boyfriends they love them after a week of dating, i believe the standard that david and i live up to is we need a couple months of dating to tell each other we love each other.. because we both have experienced a great deal of life, and we both know with crystal clear conception that we can only utter the words at the moment we are willing to give up our lives for each other.. and so far, our agendas are still on two independent tragectories. another thing i learned is that not only am i his second boyfriend ever, but i'm also the second guy he has ever actually came inside of.. when david has sex with tricks and random people he always pulls out and has to jack off a little to come.. why? well, david is really hot, and sex for him can become a routine since he is a natural hotttie and as a consequence, gets knocked up for sex a lot.. even though i know he is fidelite to me, before he got with me, sex to him was like brushing your teeth and eating dinner.. it was just something that was a routine, and lost it's novelty... that's why when david come's, especially with someone you really like or possible love, it is like you loose your virginity over again, because now the emotional compoment is activated, and the experience in general is just meaningful... so right now here i am wearing my joe boxer boxers, with my laptop still in bed writing in my journal while my thoughts and reflections are still fresh in my head. david is laying here next to me still sleeping. i lean over and i stroke him every now and then, and he reaches his toes over and touches me every now and then, to remind himself that i'm still here by his side. even though i'm still caught up in the moment, and my rational thought process is shot to hell and i'm thinking purely on emotional ecstacy, i still believe i need to take things slow with him. i'm not sure if i am attached to him. if i knew he wasn't moving away, i would so be all over him. but knowing he is moving away, i just make deliberate efforts to not fall in love with him. i want to, but then again, i cannot afford to be hurt right now. so i'm trying to live life for the moment.. david has expressed to me he wants to live with me, and not as purely his boyfriend, but i think also as a second father to his son.. david tells me i'm smart, i'm hard working, i'm playful with his kid, and all that good stuff... even though he hasn't called me a role model, i think david has some long term relationship interests with me and his family. i mean these aren't new thoughts, i've known this even when david and i were going through hard times. so i have a lot of thinking to do.. yes, last night has made me closer to him, but i'm proceeding with extreme caution. i do want to live with him too.. but i am unable to make that decision until i'm in the moment come 3 months from now. david doesn't want me to move in with him right then and there.. but would like me to get my own apartment within walking distance and then after a year, decide if i should live with him.. now these are ultra-long term thoughts, they seem almost like a fantasy rather than a plan.. and it is still very premature to plan thoughts like these.. nonetheless, they are still there. i'm gonna sign offline and go cuddle more with my baby. |
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| Saturday, March 16th, 2002 |
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here's a letter i wrote for myself.. thought i'd save it on my livejournal until i can find another job, and once i secure something, i'll give my bosses this letter.. what do you think i should do? of course the letter makes me look like the good guy, i'm the author... i'm thinking about quitting my job. i've been here a pretty long time, and my staff here has always convered each others' backs, and we've always had great team work, the hand offs have been smooth, employee loyalty has been solid, and my general experience here has been very good. in times of crisis, we've always helped each other, whether it has been just listening, to covering for each other, to understanding what are needs are and accomodating for them. i've seen great people leave, such as cuca, christy, randy, maria... and i've seen great people come, such as brooke, andrea, jaime, and robert. and i've seen great people maintain, such as jason, nicole, walt, and myself. even though my job is in the hospitality industry, and we are here to serve the public, both local and traveling for business and leisure, we are also very hospitable to our own staff in house. one of the greatest acts of of seeing ourselves take care of ourselves is jason letting nicole stay at the hotel, complementary with a poolside room for 5 months, nearly half a year. that's $4,500 at employee rate revenue, over $15,000 in discount rate revenue, and nearly $20,000 in rack rate revenue. why? i'm not sure. she is a manager that has earned her ranks and respect, and maybe she lost her apartment or whatever reason, i'm not sure. i know she doesn't have a financial problem, as a matter of fact, she has a large savings; i know this from general chit-chat with her. and i'm thinking to myself, wow, jason really cares about his staff that much to let his acts of hospitality interfere with his function of bringing in the revenue. and as an auditor, i know and i see these processes go on in the books because my job is to police and make sure the money goes where it needs to go. well, for me it's finals week, and on top of working part-time here, i also go to school full time. it is hard, it gets stressful, and i thought i could use my job as a place to study. it sounds sinister and mischivous when i say it now, but actually my intentions were purely the opposite. when i arrived here to get a room for myself, i noticed jaime and andrea were slammed with miscellaneous errands they needed to do, the phone was off the hook, and the guests were full of requests and special needs. so for about an hour and a half, off the clock, without my uniform, and without my name tag; i went ahead and answered the phones, took reservations, gave a tour of the property to a prospective guest, executed random and unusual requests and erands... andrea even commented to me that she was impressed that i would spend an hour and a half of my unpaid time to meet the stress and demands of the front desk, and it took that compliment to heart because it was the prototypical example of how the staff takes care of itself and scratches each other on the back. and after peace and quiet came to the front desk staff, i created a room key for myself, grabbed my laptop, and checked into a poolside room to spend most the night studying. i studied till 6 in the morning, and went home around 6:30am; i did not sleep at the hotel. yes, in principle i should have asked MOD permission, i should have paid for my room, even at the employee discount rate, and yes, i should have been more blatent in my needs rather than scoring, under the table, some advantages of working at a hotel. however, i reasoned that if i keep this process away from the newer employees, i wouldn't interfere with jason's job of maintaining rules and order by setting good examples; i only let the experienced employees who have been here a long time, and who are a little more understanding to the need to bend the rules, i only exposed my covert checking into a room to them only. i feel hurt that nicole set up a house account for me to pay for the room. the principle of it makes crystal clear sense to me, and yes i am going to pay for the room. however, i'm standing my ground of my attitude towards the situation. i do a good job, as a matter of fact, i'm very proud of my job. i've called in sick once, only once, yet i came to work anyways because walt was unavailable. i've arrive at work always 10 or 15 minutes early, and have been late to my knowledge once, only once out of the approximately 140 shifts i've worked. i understand i am well paid, and i live up to that standard. i am a good student, and to make sure of that, i used the hotel as a space for quiet meditation and study. but what hurts me the most is nicole made my situation public to the other employees, letting andrea, jaime, and our newest staff member jennifer, have them all relay to me that i have been caught and that i need to pay for the room. i would have much prefered more understanding and letting it slide, given my arguements for why i believe i deserve the exception, or of not that understanding, then i would have prefered this to be kept a private supervisor-subordinate issue, such has having nicole call me directly rather than leave notes and word of mouth messages to circulate the back office. what even more hurts me is this discipline action is coming from someone who herself is committing and still committing the same act as me; the difference being she's here for 150 nights, and i for one night. yes, i will pay for the room, no i will not apologize for taking advantage, and yes i will accept an apology, and no i will not stay here anymore.... both as a guest and as a staff member. ok, so i approach my boss about the situation, and i guess because i spent so much time prefacing before i actually got to my main point, my boss realized she fucked up majorly by stepping on my toes, that not only did she excuse the charges, but i got a raise and i'm a candidate for promotion. wow. ok, let me say that again: WOW! nicole does recognize that i've been a good, hard worker, and my merits are now recognizes.. i guess i just needed to highlight them a little and sell my self for how much i'm really worth. but nonetheless, i declined the management deal because i do planning leaving my job anways.. the difference is instead of quitting in 2 weeks, i plan on resigning in 3 months.. and my reasonsa re completely different and have nothing to do with the local drama... i've planned to quit my job at the beginning of summer already, and had this premeditated for several months already.. so nicole understands that i am graduating and need to move on to bigger places, so i think i'm gonna start training a replacement sometime soon anways... i'm so glad this conversation went completely different than what i expected. i was expecting resistance, but i got the exact opposite, i actually have a raise. woohooo! i kick ass. |
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| Friday, March 15th, 2002 |
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life has been incredibly busy for me these last few days, and i'm talking so busy, that i literally didn't have 5 minutes to sit down and vent to my livejournal. hmmm, since i can't recall my life the last 120 hours, i'll try recalling by individual people: chris (cerb): oh my fucking god. this guy sooooooo turns me on. he's a classmate of mine, and i got paired up with him to do a class project. he's a dean's list high honors student, a graduating senior working on his senior honors thesis, he also has his own business teaching swing dancing classes in santa barbara and ventura, and he's my age, maybe even younger. he's a work-a-holic, and just oozes intellectualism out of every pore of his body. anyways, the last few nights i've been sleeping at a hotel (i'll explain why in a moment) and he came over to my hotel room two nights in a row. i know what you are thinking, but no, my fantasy did not come true. we spent several long and exhausting hours working on our class project, and each hour i spent with him, locked up in a hotel room with nothing but the clicks of my laptop keyboard and our cold-induced hyper-breathing, i just couldn't help but fall for him. it was nearly 6 in the morning and i offered for him to sleep over instead of driving back to isla vista, since he and i were both extremely tired, and he agreed, but later changed his mind when he picked up that i found him attractive. that's fine and all. and you wanna know the freakier part about this all? he looks exactly, i mean exactly like my ex fuck buddy chris (hbo3). they have the same name, they have the same body type, they have the same facial goatee, and oh my god, i can go on and on... but i won't, since he's straight and not available. brenda: the reason i've been spending the last few days at a hotel is because my roommate's are driving me crazy. the homophobic roommate doesn't have a job, gets money from his parents to pay rent, and graduated from the city college with an associates degree in culinary arts. all he does all day is watch tv, scratch his ass, eats junk food and invites his loud ass friends over to get drunk. my fag hag roommate on the other hand, bitches and moans all day about us not cleaning the dishes or taking out the trash when she herself accounts for oh, i don't know, 80% of all the mess that is caused around the house. plus she's been having parties at my house lately because the ucsb basketball teams made it into the ncaa tournament (and got their ass kicked already, LOL) and she's just a sport-o-holic and has to celebrate about it. she has no respect for the fact that i'm in the middle of finals at school, and i need to study. so rather than put up with her bullshit, i went to a hotel instead to sleep and study. she's been trying really hard for me to become more social around my own house, inviting her way into my room, forcing me to have conversations with her, grilling my friend warren and david (whiggers) son about my business, and just sticking her nose where it don't belong. i have spent maybe a total of 5 hours in my house the last 5 days because i'm just sick and tired of her all up on my bees wax. ucsb: i'm so tired of school. i'm burning out. just 3 more months... 3 more months of being professors' personal little bitch, just 3 more months of lectures, and term papers, and reading.. just 3 more months... i'm so close to getting my bachelor's degree, i just can't give up. warren: warren has been driving from lompoc every day to see me, though i'm never home so he has to drive to ventura to see his ex boyfriend or drive back to lompoc and wait for me to come online so he can snag an IM to me like a spider waiting in her nest for a fly. i do like warren, and i want to hang out with him more, but i'm just too busy. we actually did hang out a few nights ago, he came by and wanted to talk about life cuz he's feeling pretty low in life right now and needs my friendship. i've been kinda flakey with him, not because i don't enjoy his company, i really do.. it's just i'm busy, and warren is picking up on this... when warren and i fixed our friendship, we both agreed that there will be no romance and no sex. we are purely and strictly friends, which is fine and all for me. so warren asked me what i think of him, cuz he thinks i don't like him since i am very flakey, and it told warren i'm afraid to tell him what i really think of him since it will fuck up our friendship. i told him i'm flakey because i'm afraid to like him. i told him i am attracted to him, and that if i act on that attraction, not only will i be cheating on david (whigger) but i'll also be violating a mutually drafted contract between us about sex and romance. i've not heard from warren since. david (mary): tomorrow is david's (mary) birthday! i wanted to give him scott for his birthday, but i figured out a few days ago that that plan could be disasterous... plus i have been unable to locate or contact scott, his ex boyfriend whom he still loves and cries over. david (mary) was supposed to go to the rave how sweet it is, but the rave got cancelled for one reason or another. david (mary) was sooooo looking forward to going to the rave, but he's not too bummed about it because he's been going clubbing and dancing the last few nights at club hades. i think he's going tonight too. david (mary) is just doing good in general, he seems so happy, and he has so many friends... like eddie, nathan, jeff, sean, armando, gio, david (whigger), david (carp), and me.. especially jeff and david (carp) those two are there for david (mary) all the time.. i really think david (carp) is a kewl guy, i'm just starting to get to know him more and more.. jeff i don't know much about still... i mean he did fix my car, wash it, and wax it for free, i mean wow, talk about an act of friendship. that reminds me, brian still owes me a persnal bitch carwash favor in speedos. anyways, what i mean is we're not just passive friends, but we all actually hang out and do random shit together, and i'm just happy for david because he is the central hub of friendship in our large circle of friends. it's like all this drama is happening, and the only one keeping a sane and level head about is is david (mary) and now the rewards are starting to pay off, because people are pulling his arms left and right, hang out with me, no hang out with me, me me. club hades and local sluts: so david (mary), david (whigger), danny, and gio went to club hades the other night and they all got drunker than a motherfucker. david (whigger) stole all the condoms and called me at 2:30 am to laugh and brag about it. danny nearly got kicked out cuz he was caught in the bathroom stalls with david (mary), and plus he was so drunk, he turned around while pissing and gave the walls a nice yellow shower. i didn't ask what gio was up to cuz i really don't care about that two-faced bastard. and tonight david (mary) hung out with danny, eddie, sean, nathan, and armando. i guess david (mary) introduced armando to eddie and sean cuz he wants to get armando off his back... at least for a while. armando has been pissing people off a lot lately. he asked me if i knew robbie and i told him yes. he asked me if he's fuckable and i told armando to back off. armando saw a picture of scott and asked david (mary) if scott's around. david (mary) said no. armando asked him that if he does come around, to introduce him to scott so he can have sex with him, and david (mary) told armando to back off. so now there are officially 4 sluts in town: robbie, gio, ryan, and armando. i mean yeah, sex is sex, but these 4 people have a personal mission to screw as many people in as little time, in this small ass lame town where friends fuck friends. friends with benefits are different, those are individualized contracts between friends, but sluts are different. they lead you on, tell you lies, suck your dick, and say goodbye while the cum is still trying to dry in the side of their lips. porn stars: i went to LA a few days ago and hung out with my sister. she's doing good, i let her borrow my car and i returned her the video camera because i didn't use it (i'll talk about that in a minute LOL). my niece is getting all big and fat now, she's so cute, i love her. my dad wanted me to stop by and visit him but i was running out of time against the LA traffic, so i'll see him in a few weeks. oh yeah, about that camera.. LOL.. i think last week or the week before david (whigger) and i had a serious conversation about things we could do to spice up our relationship. i mean it isn't getting boring or predictive or anything like that, but since he is moving away, we both wanna do wild and crazy shit together before he leaves. so i borrowed a video camera so we can make our own porno movie, but we haven't had any private time alone lately, because my roommates are always home and his brother is always at his house. so i went online and was chatting with a videographer who makes porno's for his own personal collection and enjoyment. he's supposed to call me later today so i can set up a time with him to check out his studio and his equipment and his profession to make sure he is a professional and not some old geizer looking to get his rocks off... and then i'm gonna take david with me to ventura to his studio, and he's gonna direct us. when i was dating robbie, robbie kept talking about being a porn star, but he really hasn't done shit about it.. either he's just a poser or whatever.. david's (mary) brother drove into town from LA a few days ago, and it turns out he's a real porn star. he's puerto rican, and has that vato-gangsta cholo thing going for him. he also works at a bath house in LA. he is soooooo david's (whigger) type, and for a few moments i thought david (whigger) might want a three-some with him. i don't think david would cheat on me, he and i have explicitely talked about sex with other people, and we have a general but implicit agreement that we are both open to a three-some. i don't remember david's (mary) brother's name though.. he didn't really turn me on, but i'm sure he turned david (whigger) on. anyways, he left town before i could bring up the idea with either of them. anyways... but i'm gonna actually make a video with david (whigger) i'm soooo excited. i've already taken preliminary digital stills of him (g-rated) and so far he looks hot in front of the camera. i need to take x-rated shots of him with my 35mm slr camera so he can sent them to inches magazine and be a model. and next week, if the deal goes through, he and i will be filmed together. woooohoooo! what a perfect gift for him! david (whigger): things between us are going great. his brother definitely knows that there is something going on between david and i. oh my fucking god, this guy has to be the slowest person i have ever met on the planet. david and i are affectionate with each other in public and in front if his brother, and now his brother is just beginning to suspect that (a) there is something going on between david and i and (b) his brother might be bisexual... yeah fucking right, david (whigger) has more gayness in his right thumb than the entire city of san francisco. i swear david's (whigger) brother is so dense in the head. anyways, david (whigger) is just waiting for his brother to say something... this scenario is very similar to when robbie and his lesbian mother wanted to talk about homosexuality, but they both were afraid to make the first move and come out to each other. this time, i'm not really interested in being a part of this process, though i think it would be very meaningful and supportive for david (whigger) if i was a central part of this issue. david (whigger) is dreading moving away, i can tell he's already gonna miss me. i know cultural identity, especially cuban, puerto rican, and african american cultures all mean a lot to david (even though he's blond hair blue eyed white as porceline), and we talk a lot about little things about culture... like he taught me how to make cuban coffee, not starbucks style, but florida style, the way they do things in miami. i'm writing a term paper about ebonics, and david really wants to be a part of my class project. even though david doesn't speak ebonics by default, he is able to switch between standard english and ebonics at the snap of a finger. and i mean these are just little things that he's doing for me to make me feel special, wanted, needed, and valued. and i really and flattered and appreciative of it all. since i've been busy the last few nights, david has been feeling really sad because i am unable to spend as much time with him as he would like. he makes dinner for me, hoping i would show up and surprise him anyways. he calls me and asks me how i'm feeling, if he hasn't heard from me in a few hours. he's blocked time for me this weekend, and is always following up with me to make sure my plans haven't changed or have changed, because he is anticipating hanging out with me. david is putting so much effort into me, and i'm just absolutely blown away by it all.. because in all my past relationships i did a little more than 50% of the work.. so the only way i know how to maintain a relationship is to keep shoveling more coal into the furnis.. and it just feels flattering and refreshing when i'm in a relationship and the other partner is eclipsing my efforts. anyways.. that's about about that.. i'll post more later. |
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| Friday, March 8th, 2002 |
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i had an awesome day. i woke up kinda late because i just didn't feel like rolling out of bed, but i showered, and went to school today. my last class was cancelled, so i was able to go home a little early. even though jeff washed and waxed my car for me, and it's all shiney and new, i had this urge to wash my car again. i dunno, i mean my car is already clean, but i just love working on my car. it's my baby, and i take very good care of it. but i didn't wash my car. i called david at work and told him hi and hello and stuff like that. he sent me an email of this floorplan for his future house, and it was an interactive thingy, and everytime you click on a room, like the bedroom or the kitchen or the bathroom, it opens up a photograph. i was expecting to see pictures of wood floors and tile counters and stuff like that. no. they were pictures of hot guys. i was busting up laughing cuz i thought that was cute of him to send me that. so i called david to see what's up, and he told me he's been thinkin' about me and i told him i was thinkin' about him too. i also told him i could only hang out for so long today cuz i have work later, and he was kewl with that. so i went home after school, paid all my bills, and went to sleep. i have so much money coming, it's not even funny. i did my tax return and i'm getting money from that, i have a 401(k) account from my old job i forgot about, plus i got paid from the shelter... twice, plus i have a savings account in my dad's credit union i completely forgot about. plus i'm getting my student loan check in a few days.. so i'm looking at over $4500 in money i haven't yet collected. i'm like wow. this is kewl. so i paid all my bills off today, except my credit card, i have to take care of that in person. so right now i'm gonna go shopping online for airline tickets or whatever, i'm gonna hopefully spend my spring break either in florida or in mexico. i haven't yet decided. just before i left for work, i david (mary) called me and told me to come over. he didn't really tell me, he sort of asked me, but i know david (mary), so i went over to david's (whigger) and he was so sweet. he asked me how i was feeling and i said i was fine, and he asked me if i ate anything and i said no. then he followed me to the kitchen, and made me dinner. i was just smiling because that was so sweet of him. it's like i have this incredible busy life, and he's there helping me out every moment he can.. including making me dinner when he didn't have to, nor did i ask him. david (mary) and i had a small conversation about danny. david walked me outside and we kissed and talked a little. i'm gonna take vacation off work so he and i can go do shit together, like he's gonna spend the night next weekend, or i'll spend the night over there. and the weekend after that we are going to magic mountain. and the weekend after that we haven't yet decided to drive to san francisco or drive to la and hang out there. but i told him i'll ask for time off work and let him know asap when i get time off. then we kissed, and jugged, and caressed each other and then i went to work. i just feel ecstatic right now because david (whigger) is so sweet with me. i'm thinking he is the right guy for me after all. i mean these last few weeks i've been on the fence, but i'm pretty sure i'm certain because he actually spends his miscellaneous time thinking about me, like i think about him, and he does things for me.. and whenever we can't hang out, he feels a little bummed, but isn't all bent out of shape about it. and i feel the same too. and that's a very good thing. i'm trying to surprise david (mary). a few nights ago i had a dream about scott, his ex whom david (mary) still loves... i know scott moved to the other side of the country, and i'm just playing detective and trying to get in touch with him. david's (mary) birthday is in a few days, and i think getting him in touch with his long lost ex is probably the best thing in the world he could ask for. it's gonna be hard, and my only lead to scott is reluctant to cooperate with me, but that's ok, i know if i'm persistant, i'll find a way to get scott and david in touch with each other. i told david a little about my plans, but i didn't tell him all of it bec ause i want to surprise him. and even if i fail, i didn't get his hopes up too high to begin with. david (mary) was supposed to go to this party with david (whigger) but david (whigger) turned him down cuz i wasn't going. i was like wow, that was sweet of him. i don't talk to david (whigger) much about robbie, but robbie went to a party once without me and started slutting around. and since i don't ever talk to david (whigger) about robbie, i know david (whigger) isn't aware that i am sensetive to this kind of set-up, so i was just absolutely jazzed when he volunteered to stay home. it wasn't because he knows i dislike parties i can't go to, but rather because he wanted to party with me. david wanted to spend time with me. i mean i was happy and all when i went to his house, but my happiness just went through the roof and straight into the cosmos when david told me he stayed home for me. even though i have a lot to do, i think tomorrow i'll go to the beach (if the weather is good), or trottin' down state street (if the weather isn't so good), or stay at home with him and cuddle (if the weather totally sucks). i'll post more later. i'm out. |
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| Thursday, March 7th, 2002 |
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like any other day, my head has been filled with internal drama. i decided that i'm really a chick inside a man's body. i mean i don't see the world in terms of actions and behaviors as a means of production like classic men do... i see the world in terms of emotions and motivations as a means of understanding like classic women do. i had this sudden and funny epiphany in a grocery store while shopping for dinner with david. there i was, strolling down the corridor of shelves full of pasta sauce and canned mushrooms when i realized that i am unable to concentrate on looking for the bargain buy... all i kept seeing on the shelves are manifest jars of red paste, each jar holding the bloody pulp extracted from my heart each episode of my life. no, i wasn't in a suicidal mood or anything like that, i was actually feeling very contemplative today. my mind has been sucked into my own little universe, and i am just mindlessly moving around the physical world playing my part and reading my script not really paying attention to what i'm actually doing or saying. and everyone took note of me today. david (whigger) kept trying to get me to snap out of my little mood, and david (mary) tried but gave up easy because he knows i'm stubborn when i'm in the k-hole of introversion. the only person who really stuck with me and tried to enter my world was gio. i noticed as i sat there detached from everyone else, gio kept his eye on me, and often tried to initiate direct eye contact with me. yes, i know he likes me, but i think it was more than that, i think gio tried to connect with me on a supraconscious level today, like he could see what my imagination was playing out, and he knew i was unhappy being in the presense of david (whigger) at that exact moment. sure his arm was wrapped around my leg, and he kept touching me, but my mind was really somewhere else. i felt so close to him, yet so distant at the same time. i guess my little antennae are still out feeling for solid evidence that i'm needed and desired. i notice david likes to ramble on and on and on about going back to florida, and ever so often he'll slip into this little narrative as if he's telling a story of hoe he fantasizes his new life, with the front yard, the washing machine, the family dog, the green grass, the nosey neighbors, the trips to home depot, etc etc... he included his mother (biological or foster, which i am unsure of) and his biological brother as part of his plan, yet failed to mention his foster brother, me, and his best friend. i already know the other two are ruled out because the affirmitively expressed no interest in moving near david, but what about me? here i am raising and shouting and trying to make myself noticed without really being loud, but i don't have a part of his fantasy. his mouth just careens off a fast monologue, transcribing his imagination into mantifest spoken words, and there i sit, listening attentively, for my name... i don't hear it. and to make my decision a little easier, i am going to earmark this test as the litmus for how important i am to him.. sure david caresses me and holds me and gives me all his attention when he wants to, but i am looking for the freudian slips, i'm looking for the mindless and casual mention of me, and i'm not finding it. maybe i am being hard on myself, maybe i am shaving myself short, and perhaps i'm looking to be the loser... it will certainly take the burden off of me to decide if my future includes david or doesn't. at the grocery store, david couldn't help but brag about how these two women hit on him and how he scored one of their phone numbers. i'm sure he noticed the white collar yuppy checking his ass out at the grocery store.. and i just had so much envy for him. his beauty is his natural passport. even though it's all subtle, people just tend to gravitate toward him a few inches, or tend to choose to stand behind him at the check-out line, or would more likely offer to push an elevator button for him, or smile a little wider at the cashier... you know, little shit like that. i notice, because i do not take social rewards like that for granted. i deeply engrain them in my memory because it is something i want but do not have. i have vowed never to date any actors, singers, dancers, models, athletes, or over-acheivers... just the personality stereotypes of arrogance that get to me about those 5 types of individuals. and as another futile attempt to rule david out as a possible long term partner, i ran him through the gaunlet. no, david isn't an actor. he aspires to be one, he'd like to act when he returns to college in a few years. no, david isn't a singer. he's really good at making annoying animal sounds though, that's about it. no, david isn't a dancer. he does have the spider legs and he sure is an acrobat in bed, but i don't think he can pull those moves off on a dance floor. no, david isn't a model. he does want me to take nude proof shots of him so he can submit them to a gay porn magazine he fantasizes about modeling for sometime in the near future. no, david isn't an athlete. between all the cigarettes and weed he smokes, he can barely run a block before loosing a lung. do, david isn't an over-acheiver. he doesn't have everything he wants, and he isn't a rennaissance man like we all think he is. i just have to face it, david so far meets all the criteria i have set forth for a good partner. so here i am at home sitting on my fat lazy ass chatting online. david made me spaghetti and pasta sauce for dinner, and he stuffed me like a thanks giving turkey, because i was so full, it actually hurt to move. i picked him up from his home today and drove him to his son's elementary school so he can have a parent-teacher conference. i've been getting extremely fed up with his brother lately, i mean he's not trying to be an asshole, as a matter of fact, i acknowledge he's attempting to make friends, but he just gets on my nerves lately. he and i got into a small arguement about ecstacy, because he plans on taking 7 pills at an upcoming rave. i was invited to go to the one of the biggest raves on all of southern california, but i can't go because i have to study for finals.. plus i don't want to go if david (mary) is going to take david's (whigger) brother with them. but you know, maybe it's just my little grey cloud tha'ts been hovering over me all day that's making me wanna bite everyone's heads off. i'm sure i'll get over it tomorrow. maybe i'm just frustrated that i'm losing my mind. so much going on, so many critical decisions, decisions that will literally alter the course of my life forever. these decisions will dictate who i meet, who i fall in love with after david, what career i have, you know.. major shit like that.. and i guess i'm just frustrated that i'm in over my head right now. i'll post more later. |
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| Wednesday, March 6th, 2002 |
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i picked david up from work today, and we had lunch together. we went to the deli and picked up a couple empanadas, some maceroni, and some bread, and we made sandwiches when we got home. david also complained that i'm always quiet, and i haven't been speaking up lately, which is true, i've been really introspective and kept to myself lately. i've been assuming the fly-on-the-wall mentallity lately, looking at him, studying him, and seeking signs and evidence of his committment to me. and lately, everything i'm learning of him is just going downhill. i feel like i'm looking for reasons to be with him, and all the short term stuff is there, like we are real affectionate with each other, we never talk about deep serious issues, and everytime we interact it seems very fantasy-like and honeymoon romantic like. but the long term stuff isn't there. meaning, i have no experience disciplining his child, we can never really spend time with each other as friends because we stop what we do and kiss each other, we both hide our history from each other, and i feel more i am there to satisfy his needs at the expense of mine. the problem is i haven't yet fully identified my needs. i feel like i am at stasis, like i'm in between lives, two lives which no one else should be a part of... sad to say. basically what i'm trying to say is i am now starting to see that we are looking for different relationship outcomes. i've decided to go ahead and make some effort to go to florida with him, but very minimal effort. i'm going to carry my life under the pretense that i'm taking care of myself, and no one else... but i'm leaving the avenue of florida open, and if i end up there with him, it will be on my own merit. i'll seek my own job, i'll provide for myself, and if his brother is still living with him, then i'll get my own apartment. i don't mind sharing with david, i just think this fantasy thought of his is premature and needs far more thought to it. but enough about this... i already know what is going to happen, i'm going to follow my guts and "the plan" in the end. i always do, and whenever i deviate, there are pre-consequences that slap me in the face and tell me to get my ass back on track. so i spent the last few hours writing resumes and sending applications out to several federal agencies, so that my life's fate lies within the hands of a human resource officer several thousand miles away who i don't know and whom i will never meet.. it's the next best thing to faith in religion... this superstructure of intelligence that's intangible that has a plan already made for you. yeah, if i rationalize it out that way, then it makes me feel a little better and eleviates the burden from me a little bit, and i can cast whatever happens on life in general. hanging out with david is starting to feel a little taxing on me. my liking for him isn't really going anywhere, i feel like our encounters anre routenized, and i have several finals and a couple of major projects due for school that is coming up real fast. i mean i enjoy kicking back, watching tv, and smoking weed, i mean those are ways david spends quality time with me.. however, if i am to live with him, i'd probably spend more time working my my hobby, or working on the computer, or working on a masters degree part time.. i am inherently a work-a-holic, and kickin' back and chillin' is nice and all, but if i do it too much, i start to feel like a vegitable. when david complains that i'm too quiet, i will open my mouth and voice these concerns. yes, they will become damaging, but you know what, they need to come out, and the need to be expressed now, because i cannot afford to be hurt. so that means i feel a little more justified hurting someone else this time. wow, that didn't come out right, but i can't figure out a better way to say it. david made roast for dinner, and since i felt a little useless sitting on the side while he cooked, i volunteered to drive to the store to buy missing ingredients for dinner. i thought i could be romantic and buy some chocolate shellstuff you put on ice cream and it hardens cuz it's cold.. because david and i had a small joke running around that we would pour chocolate on each other and eat it off.. but david (mary) was there, and he insisted i drive him to visit danny because it was raining outside... so that robbed me of a lot of time.. and even though i tried to hurry up the erand, it was too late because when we got back, david's brother was already back home from work. oh well. i'm sure i'll have other moments to pull romantic stunts like this one that didn't happen. so right now i'm online.. for some reason, i still have the habit of cruising chat rooms and talking to random strangers, but when the conversation gets all sexual, and tries to go offline and in real life, i just get turned off. i just feel so asexual with everyone. i do want more friends, but i don't want anything sexual with anyone else other than david. maybe i am scouting to see what's out there, i don't know. i was hoping warren would be online, but he isn't. instead this raver guy i've been chatting with for a while who lives somewhere outside los angeles is online telling me about how he met this guy and found out he has a kid. i was thinking about telling my raver friend that i am in a similar situation, but i'll let it slide.. this is his story, and i'm here to listen... though i'm really listening to confirm that i am not alone in my dilemma. i'm out, i'm gonna go eat ice cream, get fat, and fall alseep. |
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| Tuesday, March 5th, 2002 |
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you wanna know what's scary? is that i think i'm starting to take david up on his offer to move to florida with him. his dialogue with me carries the assumption that i will be there with him, and he couldn't imagine it any other way. of course when i grilled him about this observation, he left the choice completely up to me. i explained to david that i felt confused, and he tried to explain to me about how i will eventually find my nitch in florida, but i had to silence him and re-explain that i was confused about our relationship. i asked him for a dead honest answer, and to offset any bias, i affirmed him that his honesty is far far more important for practical reasons, over my immediate emotional state of being, that no matter what the answer, i would get over it. i asked david if we were meant to be together short term or long term. he knew he couldn't answer me, because he would be screwed either way. if he said we were short term, then he knew i'd call everything off right now. if he said we were long term, i'd need more evidence than he could provide for me at the moment to back it up. so he told me he talks to david (mary) non-stop good things about me (which is true, i asked a blind question to david (mary) about that and he repeated what david (whigger) said verbatim), he said he was waiting for the right moment to talk with his son about how his son feels about me, meaning he wanted to assess if i would be accepted as a step-parent, and he said that if and when i move to florida with him, then he'd have no choice but to blatently tell his brother he is gay, even though we all know he already knows implicitely, and finally david told me i am his second boyfriend, meaning he admits to fucking around a lot and having his wild days as a playboy, but he would never let anyone into his heart unless they met certain requirements. and so far i meet those, in that i reciprocate and i show genuine and sincere care... you can probably fake that for a few days, but not as long as david and i have known each other, so david knows i'm for real. these answers were good enough to get me thinking on a more serious level about how important i am to david and exactly where i stand in his perception of life. yes, this is the "fun" and the "exclusively you" notion i was talking about in my last post. today david and i independently did some research about the particular town he's moving to.. he looked more for the gay district, apartments, houses for rent, short term motel accomodations, stuff like that, the practical stuff... i looked more for ethnic saturation, population density, urban growth, national ranking and statistics, socio-economic status, income per capita, occupation trends, etc, etc.. you know, the more geeky stuff. and we brought what we gathered together and read each other's findings. he didn't know i was doing this, and i didn't know he was doing this... and since we both were doing it, it must mean we are on the same wavelength. i'm still a little premature to say we are the right people for each other, i need more prove, i need more evidence, i need the shit to back up the words. david admited that he's being very ambiguous with me because he's taking this slow on purpose. i also liked how we were going slow, but i need to speed this up a little more and i need quick answers now about our relationship. i need to catalyze this up because the clock is ticking, i need to move and groove and get my shit together fast, and if i have no business in florida, i could devote my life to my neice and sister instead. i didn't tell david the latter because i don't want to taint his influence with competition; he would of course want me to yield to immediate family. we went to the beach today, and since i forgot my shorts i had to wear my boxers, but i had a huge hole in the ass, and my balls were showing, so i had to wear david's boxers instead. i took photographs of david with my canon slr camera using a 300mm zoom lens and 100 speed figu provia film. even though i had some very good shots of david, i am not yet satisfied with the photo shoot, and i want more photographs. i expect to expose about 100 frames and get maybe 10 good shits, and maybe 1 memorable shot that goes in my portfolio. david saw me in action in full passion into my hobby for the first time. yeah, i use the digital camera a lot, but my slr has far more versatility to me. i kept telling david he is beautiful. he knows he is beautiful in the shallow, contemporary way, meaning he has the slender body, the blue eyes, the blond hair, and the white skin to pass him off as extremely hot, and my telling david he was beautiful, i wasn't sure what to make of it. i meant he is beautiful, like his eyes are nice, his smile is to die for, his voice is soothing, and everytime he touches me, i feel safe,secure, and loved... that's what i meant by beautiful. however he was unable to take a compliment, and i refuse to believe he doesn't know he's good looking, i am rationalizing his writing off my compliments more as he mis-understood me. i wasn't talking purely about his looks, i was talking more about him as a person. i will clear this up next time i shove a camera lens in front of his face and say he's beautiful. david has to understand that when i take photographs of someone, that is an extremely special message that i really like him.. my portfolio is full of long term ex lovers and people who will forever impact my life. anyone else who is incidental to my life, or just in the way, they will never ever make it into my porfolio which i will have my entire life as a photographer, and people who ever make it in front of my camera lens should consider themselves lucky. after the beach i went home and cleaned up a little since my roommate has been breathing down my neck about how dirty the house is. i also spoke with warren online and then on the phone later. warren and i ended our friendship on a bad note a few months ago when i started dating robbie because carlos, who was at the time warren's boyfriend, came on to me and warren found out and told me to fuck off. however, warren and i seem to resonate together on a lot of issues, and i'm very interested in picking up a friendship with him agian. warren and carlos broke up, yet warren has been living with carlos for a while, and warren has told me that it is extremely painful for him because he is unable to see carlos as a friend, and he acts like he is still dating him. i could tell warren is extremely hurt, and has been hurt for a very long time, and he is reaching out to make new friends and fix old friends because he needs me, i of all people, truly understand how he feels, and i think i need warren too for support. warren lives an hour north of santa barbara, and carlos lives an hour south, so warren and carlos have to travel 2 hours one way to see each other, and when they were dating, the did this about 4 times a week. so i invited warren to stop by my house since it is half way, but i don't think he will take me up on it tonight, i think he would rather dedicate a whole day to hang out with me. yeah, in a way i kinda miss warren, because and i so have a lot in common as far as experience. well, i've been spending the last few hours online applying for jobs and sending my resume out to several agencies, so i'm gonna take a break and work on this more tomorrow. i need to rest and think a lot.. david and i communicated on real important and life-changing issues, and i need to reflect and make sure i'm not making a fatal mistake. night. |
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| Monday, March 4th, 2002 |
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i went to david's house and he was on the phone talking ebonics with one of his relatives back home, which i wasn't sure but it was definitely about the news of him coming back home. i sat there on the floor and laid idle. i had the sadness running around my face, around my eyes, and spoken sonorously with my lump body posture. i wanted david to know i wasn't feeling alright, and i laid there, waiting... baiting... testing to see how he reacted to me. i wanted to see how much attention i could divert away from the telephone and unto me. i failed. it wasn't until the phone was back on the hook did david route his entire consciousness around me. i had the entire plan scripted and mapped out in my head, i knew exactly what i wanted to say, and how i was going to say it. the trouble is i was trying to be myself in front of david, and i found it difficult. that only proves that i am never myself around him, only that i put on a front and show him what i think turns him on. and my front is never talking about robbie, or ever talking about relationship mushy issues, you know, the feminine side of the romance, all the feelings and implicite meanings. i had to rid my thoughts of pragmaticism, and focus purely on how i felt and where i stand on the issue of him moving away... and my plan could only work if i assumed he cared about me. and verbatim, david spoke the script i had running around my head. he told me exactly what i wanted to hear, he made me feel exactly how i wanted to feel. and he swept me off my feet with such force and yet with so moch modesty as not to overdo it. david confirmed my best fantasies and told me he wanted to be with me for a long time. yes, he made me feel imporant, wanted, needed, and desired. and yes, he kicked the ball back to me and left my decision making to my own devices void of influence. too late. the problem is, i'm using emotional data and computing it using practical means. i'm taking all the signs that he cares about me and tabulating them up to see if he or if he doesn't score on winning me over. like a classic tautology, i influenced myself to influence myself, and like a self-proclaiming profecy, of course david won me over because i wanted him to win me over. you have to understand that in that exact moment in having a very serious "relationship" talk with him, it made crystal clear sense and was rationally backed up with solid examples, it made sense to me that i would move to florida with him and we'd live together for a long time.. i won't say forever cuz i'm not that dumb, but anyways, even though i'm describing it in hindsight as if i knew it was all wrong to begin with, you have to understand i thought i was in my right mind. and in that moment i sorta kinda maybe but not really knew i was being influenced, so as a safety measure, i told david i would need a few days to think about it, rather than committing right then and right there to him. just goes to show i learned from my mistakes (hint hint, robbie, if you still read my journal). so what tipped me off? what slapped me across the face and told me to wake the fuck up and smell the god damn mother fucking cuban coffee? corrina came over. it was such a nice surprise, i didn't expect to see her. and immediately i had this sense of oh no, i don't belong here, i'm competing with corrina for david's attention, oh lord. those aren't my thoghts, i was just enacting what she thinks of me. i know this through private intelligence. anways, i shouldn't have had to had that feeling, but i did. and david confirmed those feelings when he invited corrina to join him in florida. now, i know she's his best friend and all, and i can understand the invitation, but it was very clear that corrina isn't gonna move across the country for anyone. me? sure yeah, i'd do it. why? because i have the shit to back it up, i am graduating college soon, and i actually have a real reason to go through the trouble of moving. corrina on the other hand, has no reason to.. so anyone with a real logic mind would say, wait a minute? why would i do something like that? and corrina turned david down. his rebuttal was, oh, come on, it will be fun! which was minimally effective enough to get her to doubt for approximnately 1.5 seconds, so the light of his rational gets through the aperature of her reasoning. and i thought to myself, if "fun" as in "it'll be fun!" is what turns her on, then perhaps "exclusively you" as in, "you and only you because i like you a lot and want you to be in my life" was enough to turn me on, then maybe david is subconsciously con. maybe all those decades of being socialized by everyone and their momma purely on his good looks, maybe all that public exposure gives him an expert edge into interpersonal persuasion, then perhaps maybe he told me what i wanted to hear. what i'm tryin' to say, boys and girls, is that the invitation was flattering and overwhelming when i thought it was exclusively mine. but when i have to witness him invite everyone on the block back home with him, then what i felt before is no longer. exlcusivity? nope. i think is thinkin more of a block party to go. of course before i left david's house, he rolled me a real nice chocolate joint. a finely powdered bowl wrapped in a chocolate flavored roll, and that joint just kicked my ass so bad, i damn nearly coughed up a lung and a liver. anyways, i got stoned off my ass, and that's why i'm having all these really trippy thoughts, and i'm just thinking..you know, i just need to think this out, let the river run its course, cuz it's inevitable anyways... and i'm sure i need to go through all those 5 psychological emotions, and i guess right now is anger or denial.. which i can't tell cuz i'm stoned and i'm in the zone right now in writing in my journal... but i don't know. i'll post more later about what the hell i'm gonna do with my life. |
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i can't win. really. david called me this morning and told me he accepted a job in florida. it didn't really hit me that he's moving away, i mean i already expected him to move back to florida. it wasn't the exact city we both here hoping for, but for him, it's far better than he's asking for anyways. what has me upset though, is that david called me after he got off work with more details about his new job. turns out he starts in 6 weeks, which means david needs to rid his apartment, pack his shit, withdraw his son from school, and he able and willing to work exactly 6 weeks from today in a town several thousand miles away. david seemed extremely jazzed on the phone, i mean he has been after this job for months, and it's finally a dream come true for him. amd i'm genuinely happy for him. though i knew he was moving, i didn't expect it to be this soon. it's a clean 2 months before i am able to move, since college is the only thing holding me back here. and it just really irks me that david is so sure i'm the right guy for him, that he even invited me back to florida with him, and he said he'd wait the 2 months for me to finish up college. i, on the other hand, have no faith in long distant relationships. i do not believe they work, and i also believe it is more pain than it is worth. i did not share these thoughts with david because i wanted to think about my life before i prematurely discharge him. i'm at home right now, and david is waiting for me to come over, so he can tell me how happy he is to go back home, how much california sucks, and how he's going to finally settle down happily ever after. i'm not sure why and how he fits me in that picture, but i don't feel comfortable. i am willing to move to miami, but not anywhere else in florida... but he's not going to miami. i have no hesitation to share these feelings with david, and yes, it may hurt him that i even though we have been "officially" dating for a few days, and have been unoffocially liked each other for a while, that phone call to me just dematerialized all motivation i had to maintain a relationship... at this exact moment right now, i would rather not see david, because i don't want to become anymore attached than i already am. and i'm in no position to persuade him to stay longer. and he is in no position to persuade me to hurry up my schooling here. i just have been slapped in the face with a brick called reality, and the reality of this is david is moving, and i'm staying. i have exactly 42 days to deal with it before it actually happens. i'm sure david knows i'm upset, but i don't think he truly understands why i'm feeling this way, because i have kept a large part of my history from him. plus a lot of the psycho-analytical stuff i've theorized about myself will probably go way above his head, and he will probably write me off as having issues. my first boyfriend, i left him to attend college. we ended on good terms, and i believe adam was extremely hurt that i had to move away to college, after we have been together for 9 months. since adam, it had been a full year since i dated anyone, and during my summer break, i met marlon in new york city, and we dated for 4 months. like my previous boyfriend, i knew we couldn't be together forever, i was torn up when i had to return to california for school. i even lost my plane ticket on purpose to spend an extra day with him. going through a very mild depression, i waited almost another year until i met steve one afternoon by a wierd twist of fate. we were supposed to be a one night stand, but for some reason, we stuck with each other and dated for 5 months. like my previous 2 boyfriend, steve had to move away because of circumstance. he accepted an out of state job that paid him $80000. for 6 months i remained single again, torn up from steve, until i met peter. and like my previous 3 boyfriends, fate had a different plan and peter had to suddenly move away within 2 weeks notice to another state. then after peter i met justin, and then jaime, and then robbie, and all three of them dumped me. and now that i met david, things seemed to be going great, but now like my first 4 boyfriends, life has another plan, and he has to move to another state. and now you see why i have little faith in relationships, why i'm so afraid to committ, and why i'm such a drama queen and always anxious and worried about the future. everyone who has ever tried to comfort me tells me, tim, you need to live life for now, and worry less about the future, but the mere fact if knowing that there is no future, means that everything i do now has no meaning anymore. and as i sit here, and wait till i rendure the guts to visit david, i have lost all my passion. i don't want to see him, because i already know i'm going to act pessimistic, and then i'll ruin everyone elses day besides mine. i don't know anymore. i can scratch miami off my list of possible places to move to after i graduate college. that leaves san francisco, los angeles, long beach, and orange county... and maybe san diego and new york city. but right now i could care less about my career future, i right now at this moment care about my relationship future. i know i am a very ambitious and cut throat individual when it comes to career and work, so i know i'mm be fine in that department. i've always been extrmely successful in my jobs... actually embarassingly successful, because i often have to lie to my friends and tell them i make less money than i really do so they won't feel bad for themselves... anyways, i have very little faith and confidence in myself with relationships, because no matter what i do, i feel like i have no control... robbie clearly and very painfully demonstrated that for me, and now david is too... the difference is i loved robbie, and david i do not love... not yet... and i was getting there over time.. i mean i really like david a lot, he is very important to my happiness right now, and i'm starting to believe i was or am important to his happiness too. that is no secret, and we know that. but time has been cut short for me from eternity to six weeks. and that is why i am hurt, but i'm not devasted. i feel more screwed. not screwed by david or any individual, i just feel like fate is screwing me a new asshole... and what sucks is there is absolutely nothing i could do about it, except drop out of college 3 months shy of a 4 year education. and i cannot do that for anyone. i just can't win. |
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| Sunday, March 3rd, 2002 |
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jeff came by at exactly 12 noon today. i didn't think he would show up, and if he did, i would have called and cancelled today anyways... but i overslept so when he surprised me today with a big bang knock on my door, i was speechless. but anyways, i got dressed and drove my car to his house. the whole time i kept trying to figure out how i would tell david that jeff was gonna fix my car instead of him. but david called me on my cell to wake me up, and i told him jeff and i were on our way to his house... he asked about the car, but i told him i would explain it to him later. even though jeff wanted me to stay and help him work on my car, i accepted his offer for me to chill with david instead. yeah, he asked purely to be polite and provide me options and i actually took it, and yeah, i should have stayed with my car and spent some quality time bonding and getting to know jeff. but i didn't. i spent my entire afternoon watching tv with david and his family. we also went shopping for groceries and spent some time in the califonrian sun. david was getting real pissed off that we had nothing to do after we came back from the supermarket, so when jeff called me to let me know he was done with my car 3 hours later, david immediately invited himself to come with me to pick it up. which was kool and all. jeff did a fantabulous job on my car. my radiator is all brand new, about half my fluids have been updated, filled, or changed, and he even cleaned off some spill and grime inside my engine area. but the most embarassing thing was i told jeff that as soon as i get home, i'm gonna wash and wax all the interior and exterior, and then he told me he did wash the car. it was true, my car looked so brand spanking new, and i didn't take the time to really look at the car and see it for myself. he hand washed the car and waxed it all himself, and windexed all my windows, and dusted my interior and picked up all the trash. i felt so embarassed, but i brushed it off as a sarcastic joke, which i don't think he bought. i didn't know how to thank jeff. i knew he wanted me to invite him to hang out with me for the rest of the day, and he just kinda stood there like a bellhop with his hand out waiting for a tip. i really just wanted to spend the day with david, and i was in a pretty bad position because i instead said i'll take him to dinner and buy him a bottle of red wine some other night. yeah, jeff looked like he was a little dissappointed. he put so much work into my car, i mean it looks new, and everything that was broken is now fixed. jeff's clothes were all covered in engine grease and his whole shirt was just caked with oil stains. but i need to call jeff and thank him.. even though i am thankful for him doing this to my car, i really do need to stay on top of myself to thank him more. so david and i go to my house to get toiletries because my roommate was home and i didn't want them talking, but brenda heard and saw david and his son, and she had to come on out and introduce herself. i warned david she is a talk-a-holic, and he handled her with such finesse... we eventually left my house and went to his house where i finished shaving and getting ready. then we went to the movies to see return to neverland with peter pan... i stayed for half the movie, but i left because david left his oven on and he lives 3 blocks from the theatre.. well, i couldn't get back in the theatre because i didn't have a ticket stub because david (mary) snuck us in.. so i stayed at david's until everyone came back. and we chilled.. david made roast and yellow rice for dinner.. then his brother came home and i got fed up, so we went back to my place and cuddled, kissed, forplayed, and he fucked me first and i fucked him second. the first few times a few weeks ago when we had sex, it kinda sucked cuz i had a hard time holding an erection.. these last few days, however, the sex has been unfuckingbelievable. just before i kissed david goodnight and told him i'd see him tomorrow, david said the reason he wants to be my boyfriend is because i was willing to leave a movie theatre, walk all the way to his house, and turn off his oven. he said most guys he's been testing the waters with before, would not do something like that for him. and for me, it really wasn't a big deal, i actually wanted to go to his house and make sure he didn't burn his dinner while him and his son watch a movie... and david pointing that out made me feel good about myself.. because what he said yesterday isn't just lip service for the moment, but he actually is taking mental notes when when i do things for him. i thought to myself, wow. i've been feeling a little on edge all day about us because all we do is sit around, smoke weed, listen to david bitch and yell at his son, and listen to david talk about miami as if i know the place. and it's stuff like that that makes me question if i'm with the right person, but then it's moments when david tells me examples of how i make him happy, it's those latter examples that completely inoculate my uncertainty and replace it with confidence in being with him. |
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| Saturday, March 2nd, 2002 |
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i was having a dream about something, when some kid selling candy came banging on my door at the ass crack of noon to sell me candy. so i woke up with a big fat headache and rolled out of bed. i picked up the phone to dial david's number but the phone rang in my hand. i think it's cute how we think on the same wavelength. so i made plans to hang out with him today, and since my car is all broken and stuff, i would walk to his house. however my roommate, as sly as she is, cornered me in the kitchen and forced me to listen to her monologue about how she wants to be a stripper/dancer/escort/etc... i'm thinkin' to myself that i really wasn't in the mood for my roommate to tell me the intimacies of her life... it was almost as bad as listening to your mom describe sexual intercoarse with your dad, i mean geez! i know my roommate is starved for attention, but i think she could do better if she took a different approach. anyways, while i was listening to her spill her guts, i tried to change the subject to my car, and yeah i was able to persuade her into me borrowing some tools, but she insisted on driving me to david's house, even though i begged and pleaded with mercy that i wanted to walk to his house. so she gave me a ride, and i had her drop me off at a bogus address cuz i don't want her meeting david. then as i walked to the real address i saw her circling the block again. what a nosey ass bitch, i swear, people these days... so i went to david's house but it was packed. david (whigger), david (mary), his brother, his son, and armando was there, and david (carp) was on his way. then david (whigger) got on the phone and spoke with some relatives in miami, and even though i kinda think santa barbara sucks, i still have california pride, but david was just talking all kinds of shit about how california sucks balls, and how he wishes he was back in florida. now, after a few minutes, that's understandable, but going on and on and on for half an hour, i started to feel ashamed and embarassed for being a califonrian. plus his son was nagging me, armando was nagging me, his brother was on my nerves, and i just had to get away. so i told everyone i was going for a walk because i needed my personal space. well, david (mary), david (carp), david's (whigger) son, and armando all decide to follow me. so we all walk to state street, and i was in a much better mood, when all of a sudden.... robbie walked by and pretended he didn't know me. what a bitch. and i got all pissed off, so i walked back to david's house and left everyone downtown. i mean i was trying not to let seeing him get to me, but he just walked by and didn't even glance at me, even though i know he saw me cuz i was directly in front of him... and that just really made me pissed of beyond believe. i gave that little slut 4 months of my life, and all i wanted was 4 seconds of his public acknowledgement. i wanted to get off state street, go home and put my mind onto something. i just wanted to go home and work on my car, but i thought i'd stop by david's to let him know i'm leaving. but he insisted he wanted to work on my car with me, so i went home and got my car, but when i came back he was gone, so i chilled at his house for a while, and he finally came home. then we just cuddled. it felt great, i mean i wasn't feeling so good, and i guess i just needed to personalized individualized attention at that moment... and it was good for me. he kissed and cuddled for a very long time and we even dry fucked. we didn't get down and dirty nude cuz we weren't sure who was coming home when and plus his son was around. his son did catch him riding my jock, and also caught me on top of his dad, but his son has been so desensitized to gay people and behavior, it doesn't even register with him anymore. david and i got so rough we rolled over and fell on the floor like two mud wrestling women... we just put on a show, and when we realized his son was staring at us like we were two idiots, we kinda just stopped, laughed it off, and calmed down. then we went to the sushi terri house and had take home terriyaki chicken and sushi... even though david doesn't like sushi, he tried some because he knows i love sushi. so i went home and slept for a few hours before i went to work. as soon as i got to work i called him to wish him goodnight. i feel so close to david. i mean yeah the robbie thing bothered me a lot, and it probably had something to do with my converging for with david, but while we were cuddling, david told me a little history about himself. even though he admits to having sex with lots of men, he said i am his second boyfriend. yes, he's had a lot of girlfriends, but his first boyfriend lasted 8 months, and thye broke up for good reasons, not bad reasons. they separated on very good terms, and consider each other very very close friends, and david has his picture around the house. and that is why it was very important for david to formally ask me out, because he wanted to make it official, since he isn't as experienced with gay relationships as i am, despite him being older than me. and i asked david why me, what makes me better than the lot of men who want him, and he told me he sees a future with me, and that i make him happy. he also said that i put as much effort into him as he puts into me. i personally don't think that's true, i think david tries so hard with me and i return little. maybe he was paying me lip service, or maybe what he says is true from his point of view, but the point is, i asked a simple question, and learned a very complex thing out of it... not only does david like me now, but he already has long term hopes for me, which means i believe he expects me to move to miami with him in a few months. this is deep. i have a lot of thinking to do. |
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| Friday, March 1st, 2002 |
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it's official... david asked me out formally now. i mean yes we have been seeing each other everyday for the last month, but we never really talked explicitely about what's going on between us. there are many things that prompted david to bring the subject up, but the point right now is that we are official. see, before when people asked, we both really weren't sure what to say, and we never really had a reason to talk about it because i guess david figured him asking me out would be too much too fast, and i never really asked him out because i wasn't sure what i wanted. but now that we have at the very least directly addressed the issue, we now have certainty about our relationship. i mean nothing really is going to change much. i will still see him everyday, we will still have physical intimacy, he will still cook for me, we will still get high together, we will still go to the beach together... i think the only thing that really is going to change for us is our accountability for each other. now we have to answer to each other, and explain to each other when, where, and who we are with. it means my persuring robbie is now over and binding. david has flung the idea around me about a three-some, but i am not sure if it's just a running joke or if he's really interested and just lightly testing my reaction to it. i hate comparing relationships, but here i go. while i was dating robbie, i developed a terrible phobia of my romantic partners going to parties without me, because when robbie and i went to a rave together, he cheated on me. when he went to gio's party, he cheated on me, despite my putting complete and utter trust into him. well, david (mary) invited david (whigger) to go to some junglist rave party tonight, and david (whigger) asked me if i think he should go. i told him i don't want him to go, and he immediately agreed, as if he pre-meditated the response. i'm kinda glad he isn't going, both because he doesn't want to go, and because i don't feel comfortable... yeah, maybe i'm still insecure, or maybe a little jealous or possessive, and that is something i need to work on. but as an official couple, i guess that was our first test of endurance... i mean, i know nothing is changing between us, it's all just a label and a construct in our heads, and if you ask any random joe who has hung around david and i for a while, they'd tell you we were boyfriends long ago... but within the boundaries of my brain, my status with david is just a little different. today is the first day i haven't seen david. since my car is all broken, i'm pretty tied up with school, sleep, erands, fixing the car, and work. since transportation is pretty inhibiting for me right now, i've had to sacrafice seeing him today. i never really have kept statistical track of our seeing each other, but he has and he was very aware that today is the first time i've not seen him. he is right, we have seen each other every day since my birthday, and david has been pushing really hard for me to visit him today, even though i cannot. i felt bad, and even though he understood my circumstance, i also understood how he felt too. i called him at work this afternoon, i called him when he got home, and i called him to wish him goodnight. i'm not really a phone kinda guy, so 3 times in a day is a lot for me. david called me from work a few times and from home also... he also called me while this guy jeff was driving me to ventura, but i'll talk about jeff in a moment. i didn't answer the phone cuz the number was blocked, and my friends know i don't answer unknown numbers, so he left a voicemail. it was in that voicemail i could tell david was pretty anxious to talk to me about being my boyfriend. and since last night david and i went to that candlelight vigil, a reporter interviewed david and his son, and they were supposed to be in the paper today. well, david's son's teacher got wind about david's homosexuality being open and honest with his son, and she had all sorts of hell to raise about that. so now david has to have a parent-teacher-prinicipal conference next week. i cannot believe she's exercising her homophobia, but perhaps this event is what also prompted david to address our status. so this jeff guy, he's an arrogant queen. those are his words, not mine. he is desparately seeking new friends, so as a favor he drove me to ventura to get a new radiator for my car. we had a very deep and meaningful conversation mostly about him, and he seemed very interested in my social approval of him. he also offered to fix my car, since he used to be a mechanic and loves cars to death... but he's such a queen, it's making me laugh, becuase i've never in my life have seen someone as flamboyant as him work on a car like a real masculine man is stereotyped to do. but i think david wanted to help me fix my car, not to fix it but to do something with me and for me, so i'll probably cancel my plans with jeff on sunday and have david help me instead, since i think it means a lot to him. even though jeff is doing it to make friends, i kinda am not too jazzed about being his friend. even though we hit it off well for about 2 hours, he is someone i can already tell i will dislike. not because he's flamboyant, but because he's high class, high status, and thinks he's elite nobility. i'm not too find of those kinds of people. i like armando, the deaf kid more. plus i've spoken with jeff online before and i didn't like him. but he doens't know i already knew him, and he doesn't know that he's spoken with me before. anyhooters. right now i'm at work right now just listening to r&b; music... lately r&b; music has been fucking' with my mind lately.. like everytime i hear what's luv? by ja rule and ashanti, and always on time also by ja rule and ashanti, my eyes just well up and i feel all sad and shit... those were two songs that meant a lot to me in my last relationship... also one in a million by aaliyah makes me cry sometimes, because that's the song robbie dedicated to me. the only other song i have a hard time listening to is can't take my eyes off you by lauryn hill and emotions by destiny's child... just r&b; in general makes me sad. the ultimate song that really brings me down is u got it bad by usher cuz that was robbie's favorite song.... -=sigh=- when will it end for me? |
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| Thursday, February 28th, 2002 |
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this morning i had a doctor's appointment... the psychiatrist seemed like a pretty nice guy, i mean he was very professional with me, and i really felt like he understood what i was saying. i did have to miss class this morning, but that's alright though. so the shrink gave me a prescription for a helluva fuckin' lot of zoloft... i mean i can get this stuff for months.. and i really feel like i'm better already... but i just thought it wouldn't be so bad to have a prescription for something on hand.. i mean if i have any left overs, i could sell it to someone, or give it to my sister who also hasn't been well for a long time. but it's weird because i never realized how crazy and psycho i am until i had a conversation with the doctor. it was nothing he said at all.. it was just in my discourse with him, i would step outside myself every now and then, and ask, what would i think of this kid if i walked in the room at this moment and caught only this part of the conversation? i mean i would flash freeze a single moment of what i'm saying or trying to communicate, and as an outside listening in, i realize i truly and crazy. i mean it only make sense, look were i was, i was talking to a shrink. i felt very bad for myself, and actually a little ashamed and embarassed for myself because at this moment in time, even though i think i'm in control, i somehow walked away with not one, not two, but three doctors - a psychologist, a MD, and a psychiatrist - all telling me otherwise. and i'm at a point where i'm proud to embrace my inner freakiness. i'm not only admitting i'm jealous and obsessive, but i'm flaunting it around like it's something to brag about. gosh, i really and a twist. so after that, i had aerobics and that was alright. i was kinda checking out the other guy in class today. i think he could be gay, i mean he looks like such a sissy, but i didn't pay much mind to him. i barely even broke a sweat today, but oh i had such a wonderful shower. it showerroom was empty, and i took my sweet ass time meditating alone, buck naked, and in public. after aerobics i did diddly squat for 3 hours, went to the bookstore, bought a book. went to school and had more of that ultra-smart professors instruction. today's topic was effectively conforting others and engaging confrontation. we also got our grades back and i am just one fucking point away from having an A+ in the class, and 4 points away from having the highest score in the class. it's so funny, i'm barely passing most of my other classes, yet this one class i really care about and has a lot of contextual meaning to my life at this point in time, i'm just acing. so i got paired up with the other genius in the class, who on his looks alone he could pass for good looking by some, his extreme intelligence and confidence in himself just accentuates his beauty tenfold. his name is chris, and he's on the dean's list, he's working in his high honor's senior thesis, and i'm sure he had a 5.0 GPA in high school.. anyways, i deliberately fixed the set-up so i'll have him as a group partner. i WAS gonna see him in our optional tutorial section tomorrow but this is what happened: my fucking car broke down. my radiator blew and is all cracked. i'm gonna fix it myself.. parts cost over $200 retail, but i can get it wholesale, OEM, and brand new for like $80. i just have to rent tools and do it myself. but that's gonna decommision my car for a while, so at least now i can take the bus around town for a few days. i always run into old friends and random people who i haven't seen in forever, so i'm looking forward to that.. ok, yeah, i'm making excuses, yes i already miss my freedom. like today i had to walk to david's house and back.. all i have to say is NEVER AGAIN. so david (mary), david (whigger), his son, danny, me, and this new kid named armando... we all went to a candlelight vigil because a few days ago a man was burned alive for being gay.. so now the whole city of santa barbara is up in arms about hate crimes and stuff right now.. i ran into many people i knew, and david was not afraid to show everyone he was mine. he held me, hugged me, kissed me, and stayed by my side the during the entire vigil. dylan was getting impatient so we left a little early. but let me tell you about armando a little.. david (mary) was flirting with this hot latino boi at the bookstore, and they met, hung out, and spent the rest of the day together. armando is deaf, so we all had to communicate with him in writing, and he'd teach us all the cuss words and slang we needed to know in sign language. he seemed extremely shy, and that's understandable... i have a funny feeling armando is going to become a regular and central part of my friendship circle. even though david (mary) meets many guys that come and go in our circle of friends, i have a strong feeling armando is gonna stick around and become an important person for us all. just thought i'd mention that. so right now i'm at home.. my nose is running like a leaky faucet and i'm fighting a mild cold. everyone else is sick too, so i don't feel so bad. i also finally did my taxes and i'm getting almost $1000 back from uncle sam.. woohooo, go me! and that's been pretty much it. david made dinner for me again... he's such a sweet heart, he never fails to impress me.. like today i told him about my car problems and he volunteered to walk halfway across town and meet me, even though i insisted he don't. he also offered to help me fix my car when i get the parts. he also called me and left me voicemails telling me he misses me, and letting me know when and where he is. and because his hand is still broken, he's unable to shave, and he's growing a really nice untrimmed goatee.. he thinks he looks old, i think he looks sexy.. i'm normally not into facial hair, but for some reason, he seems to turn me on a lot with all that outback wilderness man scruff on his face. i volunteered to shave his face tomorrow if i see him, which is doubtful cuz i have to work tomorrow. i wish i could spend the night with him, or have alone time with him.. it's hard at his place cuz he runs a zoo out of his apartment with everyone there all the time.. it's hard at my place cuz my roommates are always up on my business, and my homophone roommate is unemployed and home all the time.. my homophile roommate will just invite herself in my room and make herself at home. it's all good though... when we do have alone time, we are very efficient with the time, we get the most bang for our buck when we do have alone time.. so yeah, i can't wait cuz it's gonna be wild. |
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2002 |
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so after i wrote that last journal, i went to my communication and conversation class and had a fabulous lecture on affinity seeking, maintenance, and testing.. which basically means in non-academic terms, "getting people to like you, keeping people's liking of you, and testing the degree others like you." and my ultra-smart professor provided me with lots of strategies i could try to get other people to like me.. as soon as class was over, i had this sudden compulsion to call robbie.. so i went through the daunting task of unlocking all my phone securities and called robbie, but got a machine.. so i left a short and sweet message. but he called me back the next day, and i just told him i miss him and like him... yeah, i know it was corny, but for some strange reason, i just had to tell him that. he pretty much ignored what i said. do you know how castrating it feels to open your heart out and have it ignored? i felt so neutered and unimportant. and just before i hung up, i told robbie i don't want to be his friend with benefits, and that i wish him happiness and some other bullshit i was just making up. well, i didn't have the heart to affirmatively tell robbie to never speak to me again, but i kinda hinted to him i am sick of being his friend. appearently he didn't take the hint, or maybe he did but chose to ignore it, because he called me asking me why i called him again. i only called him once; he just said he forgot to erase my voicemail, so he thought it was another one when he heard it. sounds kinda cheezy, and that's why i think it was just an excuse to communicate with me, but regardless, i'm not strong enough to tell robbie to never speak to me again. i have abandon my email accounts he knows of, and i just use another email account now. my phone is blocked again, from both sending and receiving calls to him, and i'm changing my AIM screenname. you think i was kidding about separating myself? well, i'm not. i'm actually pretty damn serious. god i'm such a retard. so robbie called me while i was driving down to LA. he asked me what i was up to, and i told him i was on my way to the Hollywood Spa and Bathouse... actually, i just kinda drove by there, and i was only fantasizing about going there. i also wanted to see chris, an old fuck buddy of mine, not to have sex, but to just hang out and chill, but i didn't want to take that chance, cuz i know he would make moves on me. i also wanted to call adam, my first boyfriend whom i haven't seen or heard from in 4 years. i also wanted to stop by my old high school and see some teachers.. but i did none of that.. i just met up with my dad, hand dinner with my family, did their taxes for them, and came home. before i arrived home 2 hours later, i stopped by david's house just to kiss him goodnight. i've changed my mind about miami. before i met my sister today, i had all these whild reams and fantasies of moving off to various big cities and being some yuppy hot shot... but seeing my sister, how depressed she is being a single mom with no help, i felt really bad for her. so this weekend i'm gonna loan her my car for as long as she wants, just so she can get out the house and get away every now and then, cuz between college and her daughter, and her lying, cheating sorry ass excuse for a boyfriend, she feels locked up and suffocated. it's the least i can do until i help her get an apartment of her own. and to do that, i most likely need to move to long beach or LA after i graduate college. plus it seems a little more realistic for me, rather than hopping around the country flaunting my degree to prospective employers in strange and random cities. that also means spring break in miami may be canceled for me... unless david can perusade me again... |
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| Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 |
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last night robbie and i spoke on the internet again. this time we had a very serious conversation. robbie was wondering why i've been so mean, cold, shallow, and terse with him lately, and i explained to him that it is very difficult for me to be his friend. robbie was very concerned for me, because he thinks i'm falling in love with david too fast. robbie was also curious why i can be so mean to him, yet care about him so deeply because he said he wants to slut around and experience life.. i told him, hey, that's fine and dandy and all... just use condoms, and he was like, i do, but why do you care? you are like two different people each time i talk with you, tim... so i told robbie i'm still in love with him, and he seemed surpised. so robbie and i talked online for a while, but we both had to go, so i asked him to call me later, which he did. later on he called me while i was at david's house, and i gave him an ultimadum. i explained to robbie that he stresses me too much, and either i can be with him again, or i want nothing to do with him. robbie offered to be with me again under the condition that we both can see other people... basically he proposed an open relationship. i disagreed. i did not want an open relationship with him. then he offered we can be friends with benefits. and i didn't give an answer, i said i'll think about it... even though i already knew what i was going to do. in the conversation with robbie, i recognized that he still cares about me, and to a very mild degree, he's still jealous that i'm seeing david. and i recognized that no matter how hard we both try to get what we want from each other, it just isn't gonna work out... so i'm sticking to my guns of either dating robbie again in a closed relationship, or never speaking to him ever again. and even though robbie gave some serious thought into dating me again, he'd rather play the field and explore his sexuality without the constraint of being accountable to me. and even though robbie hung up the phone thinking we are going to be friends with benefits, meaning i can call him for a booty call whenever i feel like it and have no-strings sex with him, just knowing he's been with other people disgusts me... not disgusts me in the purely sexual sense.. just that he is emotionally tarnished because every time i has sex with him in the past, it was a very emotional experience for me. and i only feel comfortable having casual sex with people who i am not in love with. so as soon as i hung up the phone, i password restricted my phone from letting me dial his number. yes, i can override the password, but it's an obstacle i have to go through which is a reminder that i am controling my impulse to communicate with him. and later on today i'm going to program my phone to ignore and not ring if he attempts to call me. i also blocked all my email accounts from receiving email from him, and i blocked my Instant Messenger from seeing him online, and him from seeing if i'm online. i want nothing to do with robbie. this is a complete 180 turn of an attitude i had from the previous day. before, i wanted to spy on him and know everything that is going on. and now i am so disgusted that he would offer his body to be devoid of emotional attachment, even though he said he has feelings for me. and today, i was just so frustrated and angry, my stress was through the roof. i don't know why i'm letting this get to me, but i am extremely angry in both myself and in robbie. i'm angry for myself because even though i think i'm trying to control my life, it is very clear i am upset, and i'm angry with robbie, because even though he attempted to do good in fixing out friendship, it made it far worse for me. robbie said he's been reading my LiveJournal, but i don't believe him because he had a lot of mis-information about my affairs with david. and really i don't care anymore what he reads of my life. all i care is that i cease any and all forms of communication with him. i am finally fed up, and i am so over this. things between david and i are progressing, and i don't want to fuck it up. i went from being very tolerable to having taking absolutely no chances whatsoever with robbie. i want him out of my life forever and for good. so i hung out with david yesterday again. he made dinner for me again, we had broiled chicken and potatoe wedges. we also watched fear factor and some commercial bloopers tv show. david's attitude seemed to cool down a little, i guess because he's back to normal after being fucked hardcore by me the other night. we got stoned again from that ultra-potent weed of his again. it seemed alright. when i went to leave david walked me out and we just chilled in the hallway for a while. i could tell he wanted to go back to my place so bad and get away from his family, but i had to study since i had a midterm today. even though i came very close to tellind david that robbie and i were talking, i decided not to, because david is drama free. robbie claims to be drama free, but he eats it for dessert just as much as i do.. anyways... those were my thoughts for today and yesterday. right now i have calmed down a lot.. i vented all my frustration and aggression this afternoon in my aerobics class, and as soon as i get home, i'm going to program my phone and reconfigure my internet accounts to evade robbie. i am just finally done and over with him. we tried to be friends, but it's not working. there is a mismatch of emotions. |
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| Monday, February 25th, 2002 |
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i just had an interesting conversation with robbie over Instant Messenger. it was all small talk, and i felt pretty apprehensive while talking, but at the same time calm and reserved. since i was very rude to him on the phone when we talked friday, i wasn't sure what he was going to say, but the conversation we had over the internet was very shallow. he'd ask me what i was doing, what plans i have, what's up, and all that greeting jazz, and i'd just respond very ambiguiously, very scripted, and very equivocal. i didn't want to leak any information about my life, about my emotional state, or my opinions about anything. yeah, i could have made an excuse and signed offline, but there was a little part of me that really wanted to see where he was going with the conversation. i'm starting to believe that robbie is done and over with all the covert animosity, the jealousy, and the mind games. i'm thinking maybe he just wanted to have a decent conversation with me, independent of all the bullshit that's been going on in both our lives, but i was unable to surrender myself. robbie poised the conversation so that i would have to reciprocate and ask him how he was doing also, but i really didn't want to know, because i don't want knowledge to mind fuck me again. he told me his tongue was peirced, but he weaved it in a bigger thought to make it come across as non-chalont. he also acknowledged that him and his david (pencil dick) are done and over with, and are actually talking shit and trash about each other to various friends of theirs. but what took me by surprise in our conversation is that robbie say me leave david's house last friday. robbie doesn't really have much business in david's (whigger) neighborhood, but then again he was supposed to be downtown around the time he saw me and this town is really small. david and i hung out yesterday also. he was doing laundry, and i helped him with his last load. his son was rough housing around, and i don't play back, but the one time i horse play around, i accidentally kicked his son in the head. i felt very bad because i was reckless, but i was even more dismayed that david yelled at his son for starting it. david will yell at everyone, his brother, his son, somtimes david (mary) and sometimes his best friend, but he has never yelled at me, and i guess i'm supposed to feel privilaged, but clearly i was the one at fault and he expelled his aggression out on others. i think david either has a positive bias for me, or he is afraid i'll dislike him of he yells at me. anyways, that was something small, but it was on my mind most the day cuz we went to the beach again, and i was quiet most the time. i was also trying to study, and today david kept quiet and let me study some more. he leaned over and fell asleep. between chapters, i'd lean over and stare at him, roasting in the sun, his shorts folded up his crotch and down his belly to make it look like a speedo, at one point, david woke up, saw me staring at him, and leaned over and kissed me. i was thinking alot about what i wrote in my last LJ, so i asked david what he doesn't like about his body. he gave me a laundry list: wrinkles, flat ass, pale skin, too lean, etc... and after all that, i asked him what he likes about himself, and he said, my hair and eyes, and i asked him, you mean the blond and blue color? and he was like, yeah. i wasn't sure what to think of that answer. it wasn't good, and i was deciding if it was bad. both david and i see the world through a colored lens. my being a double minority and him being physically white but black cultured, that answer clearly demonstrated to me that david is aware that his blond blue looks is his passport to social acceptance. i was hoping he'd instad say something like, he's a good father, he's hard working, he's a great cook, an excellent lover.. you know, something qualitative about his personality, but he just gave me a short and quick two-item list. although he wishes he was black, he has no issues reaping the social benefits of being white. i really wasn't sure how to evaluate that response.. so i kept to myself, and stared at him some more while he slept. later on as we were leaving the beach, david went to the restroom in a building near the boardwalk, and he was cruised by some pervert... the sick part is i recognized the guy from America Online, and i just thought it was wierd how a masculine man like david with a kid, despite all the signals of heterosexualism just oozing out of every pore on his body, has the interpersonal power to attract gay men by virtue of his looks. i do not think i am racist, i mean i have been accused of being a black panther before... it just stresses me at times how my exlusion from a higher status group goes from transparent to opaque. anyways, last night after the beach i go home to study for a few hours, and i told david i'd call him at 9:00pm.. but he lost patience and called me at 8:00pm and persuaded me to come over for dinner. so i did. he made broiled chicken and pasta, and man oh man, i was stuffed like a turkey. later some wierd raver guy came buy and sold some weed to david, and smoked us all out before he left. it was the wierdest shit i've ever had, i mean the nuggets were just coated in crystals, and it had a really nice aroma to it. i got so fuckin' stoned off my ass, you don't even know. even though david things the weed was alright, i think it was extremely good. anyways, when i get stoned, i never get an erection, why? i have no idea, i guess that's just biochemistry, but last night, i was really horny, and as soon as david (mary) and david's (whigger) brother left, david (whigger) put his son in another room and he and i just went at it. i fucked him so nicely, so deep, and so hard... and i did it twice. by the second time, we were all over the apartment, just knocking things over and tossing pillows all over the apartment. i'm sure his son woke up and saw us, but we didn't care, we didn't even pay any mind to that, we were just goin' at it wild. i had fun, but i think he had far more fun, cuz david has never seen this much sexual aggression in me before... and even i don't know where it came from. for him he said it was a very long time since he's been fucked. i know david was just giddy all day the next day (today) cuz he sent me an email describing how giddy he's been feeling, how much he likes me more and more, and how he can't wait till we hang out agian. this email is probably the first affirmative and explicite feelings toward me i have heard from him.. in the past, i just knew he liked me cuz he would say it in little ways or show me physically. but he just wrote a long ass email telling me exactly how his feelings for me have been progressing, and how i make him feel wanted and needed. he said i make him feel wanted and needed.... with that last thought, i think i'm starting to form an emotional attachement to him.. i guess i just needed to hear that he acknowledges that i need him.. he knows i need him, he knows how my heart feels like it's a recently vacated cavity. anyways, i'm just rambling on and on...  galaxybounce, i received your valentine's day card today... aaawwwwweeeeeeeee, thank you, you are so sweet, ryan. it makes me feel good actually.. the only other valentine's day card i got was one from my mom, but all she really did was send me money and scribbled happy v-day on it. i'm gonna write you back in handwriting how thankful i am for it. yeah, i know it's just a valentine's day card, boo hoo, but it means a lot to me, cuz even my closest friends didn't give me any cards.. i mean yeah, i told them not to cuz i didn't want valentine's day all rubbed in my face right after my breakup with robbie, but i was hoping they'd ignore me and do something anyways... aweeeeeee, thanks ryan, you are the best!
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| Saturday, February 23rd, 2002 |
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i've thought long and hard all day about what you had to say, cuedus in my LJ comments, and you are right to some degree. i'm having a hard time consciously acknowledging my wishful thinking. i did have the opportunity to get back with robbie, and even though at that exact moment some weeks ago i did not realize it was manipulation, just the sheer presentation of having that option, i kinda turned it down. even if i got back with him, the trust is completely and utterly gone. i mean, i think that is permanently damaged. and for a while i wanted to be his friend, but recently i've been doing some anti-social behavior, like cutting our conversations short, and not calling him anymore, and sometimes not even answering the phone when he does call me. i question his motives for calling me though, cuz i know he doesn't deliberately talk trash about me, or say bad things, but if anything slips out his mouth about me to anyone else, it's usually a mix of neutral and negative. never positive. so i know he doesn't call me for favors anymore, and he doesn't call me to find out about david (whigger) cuz he knows i have a LiveJournal, so the only motivation i can figure out why he calls me is to make me jealous and rub some highlights of his recent life in my face. of course, i'm only speaking from a highly biased perspective, and i act like everyone is out to get me. but i understand my paranoia. david (whigger) is a real nice guy to me. today i woke up around 11 or 12 noon and just chilled. the other david (mary) called me to see what was up, and he causually mentioned that david (whigger) was at home waiting for me to call. i think david (whigger) is very deliberate in not smothering me, so he left the perogative of communication up to me. i am not sure of david (mary) intended to encode that message in his conversation with me, or if it slipped out non-chalontly, but from what i understood, david (whigger) was actually waiting to hear from me, and was a little edgy that i hadn't called him yet. maybe i'm over-attributing signs of interest, or maybe i'm highlighting evidence of his mindfullness of me needlessly. but i called him and we made plans to go to the beach again. when i got to his house, he was grumpier than a mutha fucka, and was biting everyone's heads off... his brother was pissing him off or whatever, but as soon as we left the apartment, he was very affectionate, and his mood just did a complete 180. and again i noticed he was deligating more control to me, cuz he was completely indecicive of which beach to go to, so i chose my beach, the beach i always go to. so me, david, and david's son went to a gay beach. i didn't tell him is was gay, but i'm sure he kinda figured it out cuz every guy that walked by kept staring at his bright white ass.. he pulled his shorts to the very bottom of his ass cheeck so he can tan, and he was pretty much the center of attention. i thought that was cute.. plus he would kiss me, and lick me, and caress me on the beach while his son was off chasing other people's unleashed dogs, or burrying himself in the sand. david encouraged me to take off my shorts and show off my speedo's, and that i did. he loved it! he was too chicken shit to go in the water cuz it was cold, but he sun tanned the whole day. i kept to myself mostly and tried to study, cuz i have two midterms coming up, and i reminded david i needed to study and he was respectful for 2 or 3 minutes at a time, and then forget and say something to me, or reach over and kiss me, breaking my concentration. after a while, his son came back and wanted to play... so david walked with his son down the beach... i did have quiet time for a while, but in the corner of my eye, i kept staring at him.. i realize more and more how special he is.. he's such a positive role model for his son, and his son is an exact mirror of him... he's going to grow up to be exactly like his father. and i just stared at them both.. they found random debris on the beach and made s harpoon out of it.. they also went hiking up the bluffs and david picked some flowers he found in the cliff for me. and he just became so beautiful... i mean nothing physical changed, it's just that this hard wilderness guy who's very street smart and independent, has this softer, vulnerable side to him.. even though i misplaced the flowers, and i think i left them at the beach, it was the thought that impressed me a lot. after a while, i joined them and went hiking up the bluffs, and all three of us just sat at the top of the cliff looking over the beach. it was beautiful. i wish i could capture that moment and save it with me forever. later on, we went back to his house and david (mary) was there resting cuz he's coming down with a fever. david (whigger) grabbed me from behind and started holding me and kissing me all in front of david (mary) so i excused ourselves and we went to the kitchen... david (whigger) kept telling me i was beautiful over and over again, and it made me feel really good inside. i kinda like him a little better when he hasn't shaven in a day or two.. normally i don't like facial hair, but with him, that western outback unshaven look really turns me on.. i guess he looks more mature, and there is a parity between the way he looks and his actual age.. cuz he looks a decade younger than he really is. he wanted me so bad, but i really had to go home and sleep... plus i thought it was disrespectful to make noise in the kitchen while david (mary) was in earshot. i *think* david (whigger) and david (mary) used to date, but i'm not sure about that, i'll have to double check. anyways, as i left his apartment, i thought a lot about what you said, cuedus... reminding me how david (whigger) is genuinely interested in me, and i'm starting to believe in myself more. i guess i just needed an outsider looking in like you to tell me this. since robbie is out of town for a while, i think my lack of communication with him will help me develop and prepare myself, emotionally, for david. yeah, i'm still afraid to open up to him, and i keep a lot of myself from him, but i see no signs of anything going wrong... it's all in my head still. but yeah, what you said really impacted me today.. i wanted to respond, but i thought i'd write about it more right here...
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| Friday, February 22nd, 2002 |
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i again woke up all wierd and shit, like i have a hangover... but i didn't feel like rollin' out of bed, and one class was cancelled, the other is voluntary.. so i stayed home all day in bed. i didn't do shit today.. i studied a little but, but that was pretty much it. david called me and invited me to go to the beach with him, but i was still in bed, and didn't feel like getting up at that exact moment, so i asked him to meet me there, rather than me picking him up... i went to the beach and he was no where to be found.. we usually meet at the same spot all the time, so i chilled for an hour, read some homework, watched all the pretty little tourists and all the cute little nuclear families run around the beach today... i went for a walk and saw david, so i followed him back to the beach.. he was so happy to see me, his day was going excellent. he took half the day off work just so he can chill at the beach with me.. i thought that was very sweet of him. as we were hanging out at the beach, chillin', robbie called me and had some questions.. appearantly him and his new BF are no longer going out anymore. so now the pencil dick is out of the picture, but what involves me is last night i IMed david (pencil dick) just to say hi, since i know he's an asshole and a little hello from me would throw him off... you know, that catty, sarcastic way.. well, he just spilled the beans to me, and it took me a while to figure out what the hell was going on, but i guess robbie used me as an excuse to dump david (pencil dick)... so i played along and pretended that david (pencil dick) was just a rebound, and that robbie is back with me.. i knew it was total bullshit, and i know david (pencil dick) is such a drama queen just like me.. and i know a couple of journal entries ago i said i would never wish the pain i went through, i'd never wish that upon my worst enemy... well, i take it back. i was kidding.. so i had fun rubbing salt into david's (pencil dick) wounds.. i knew he was hurting so bad, and i just had fun fucking around with him emotionally. i know i know, karma is gonna get me back, but it just felt great to make someone else cry... i wonder if he vomited.. cuz i did that when i was in his shoes. anyways, robbie called me and questioned me to see if i had any involvement in their breaking up, and i was quite honest with robbie, i told him i was playing around. to my utter surprise, robbie did not defend david (pencil dick).. he actually thanked me for being a prick. but robbie immediately disqualified his availability by sayind he'd rather be single. and i was like, eh... okay, whatever.. like you really think i'm hitting on you. i was actually kinda rude to robbie on the phone. eh... no regrets though. so i hung up the phone and tried to fall alseep on the beach, but david (whigger) was really animated and talkative.. he talked about nothing else except miami. we asked me who was on the phone, and i told him it was robbie, but i was unable to see any reaction from him. but he knew the phone call affected me cuz i was acting even more reclusive than usual, but i assured him i was fine. it's just i really didn't want robbie to call me at that exact moment. i would have rather spoke with him in privacy, but david (whigger) was in earshot of the conversation. i feel kinda bad, cuz david is trying so hard to win my affection, and today i just felt like blah... i wasn't really putting much effort into our "relationship"... if that's what it is... i just felt kinda turned off a little because... i don't know... just because i guess i don't understand what he wants.. i know he wants sex, he makes all the first moves.. but i have to admit, i believe i cannot please him. he's been around, he has a huge penis, he can pick and choose, but for some strange reason, he's trying so hard with me.. any normal person would have given up on me, cuz i just have too many hang ups and issues. i mean, yeah, i like him back, but i just wish there was less emphasis on sex. yeah, i feel sexy, and today he gave me a killer blow job, but i didn't want to reciprocate back, i just kinda sat there and let him do all the work. justin, one of my ex's, called me but i didn't answer the phone cuz i was really tired. i just looked at the caller id, and then rolled right on back to sleep. i was actually quite surprised cuz he and i have probably spoken 10 sentences to each other in the last 6 months... i guess he just wanted to chill or whatever. so i'm at work right now and i just had another conversation with my other ex peter in phoenix. even though he's coming to me with his problems, i learned a lot about myself in talking with him. peter is lonely, he's having a hard time meeting people, and he just wanted to tell me about it. i really do wanna drive to phoenix to visit him, but he's not turning 21 till after spring break, so i might just wait till he turns 21, cuz he's really shy and doesn't wanna go out clubbing alone, so i'll take him.. i mean he knows NO ONE gay, except me and my friends from when he used to live in santa barbara. anyways, he was asking about david and i showed him some photographs of him online. and peter, as an outsider looking in, just asked me the most fundamental questions about why i'm even considering being with david. i mean, i really don't know what is going on.. am i a toy? am i a potential father for his son? am i fun and games till he moves away? or am i something serious? i don't know.. and i probably shouldn't worry, but i need to know because i am unable to attach myself to him. i'm an all or nothing kinda guy, and right now i feel very disconnected with david. so i'll see what happens in the next few days... he finally got a new phone so now we can communicate via telephone rather than me going to his house without notice. i guess this is what i want, i want him to hurt over me. i want to see him be jealous if he suspects something shady of me. i want to see him have the capacity to be hurt i guess. cuz if i can't hurt him, then .... i don't know... i don't wanna hurt people.. i guess i just want to "test" what would happen if we had drama.. cuz right now there is absolutely no drama between david and i... all the drama exist in my head and only my head right now. if there is anything i have learned from relationships, is that you never question why someone likes you... that's just a big turn off if you have to verbally assault that question, rather than picking up the hints, degrading yourself, and showing low self worth... so i would never ask david, why do you like me?... because the evidence is clear that he does, and he always tells me i'm good looking. but i guess maybe i'm looking for more substance than my smooth skin and suculent lips. if there is anything i have learned, is you just take the affection and run with it.. never ever question why someone likes you because it reflects esteem.. i guess it's ok to question if someone likes you instead. in typing this paragraph, i'm starting to see reasons why he could like me.. i guess because i've been so hurt by robbie, that i have the capacity to love with sincerity. i think people find it attractive when other people are exiting serious relationships, because they are seen as being able to love, and not whore around like a slut, or pimp around like a player. so maybe david is attracted to that. there has to be something else besides my looks, and i guess i'm just looking for that reason. that's all, those are my thoughts. |
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LiveJournal for the etard.
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thoughtful.
cynical.
loved.
surprised.
exhausted.
intimidated.
hopeful.
irate.
crushed.
apathetic.
confused.