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Bette Midler - The Rose |
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ugly.. ugly.. very ugly..
I'll never understand why they pick such ack people to win titles, i'm anti contests like this because they make people feel as if they're not worth of wearing a crown.. the way i see it i see more beautiful people then those 3 everyday, i even been with a few, i don't think i'll ever get it but my guess is that it's all money oriented. people would do anything and everything to earn something.. Jenn's prettier then all those put together, shit Nessa could snag those titles too, too bad the both of them weren't admitted into that contest, they'd sweep they crowd away.. So would half the girls i know here in brooklyn.
enough about that, now to more importent things.. like me, lol. uhm, it's been several days since i've written, i guess i just lead a very very boring life. i have to go to school again, i go all days but fridays, i had my first day on thursday and it's not as bad as i thought, as long as i shut the fuck up, listen and attend the classes i might pass.
i'm going on with my plan to make major money though, today i went to the tailor and arranged that special pockets and a sling/vest holster will be embaded in my jacket(s) secretly so i may go on to bigger and higher things, mo, who has originally wanted to be apart of this had proved to me that he's not too much of a good friends, i take all the risk in what i do as well as put in the most money.
oh well, i guess you need to invest in order to earn, no? i know i'm right, no one's going to tell me otherwise.
my money level is so/so, i can't complain really, but i could be happier. i really want to go on with my dreams and plans but they're none existant also, i have to go through a lot of shit man, half the people who i came up too just for the alterations for my jacket want nothing to do with it because they're scared of getting in "trouble" or dealing with a "gangster". fucking idiots man, least i got a few good connects that'll come through.
hey if i break the fucking law (a man made law which i might add), while i go to school, do my thing and work, that doesn't make me such a horrible person. many people percieve me as the "bad guy" though i am not, i have nothing but good intentions, for myself, for whomever i plan to put in my heart, and for our future.
a few nights ago i had spoken to my grandmother, first time ever we had actually sat in a table and had a conversation and i noticed something i don't usually notice.. how old she is.. she became more in weight, her skin is like paper.. hey verins are out and her eyes are knitted in.. i love her so much.. i do.. god i do.. she still warns me about how she might pass soon.. and i don't know how to handle it. i'm so scared, but i'm greatful she's my grandmother, because she is the best grandmother anyone could ever have. her love to me is more love then god had for his creations, and i love her so.. i'm not comfortable writing about this, but i can't stop thinking about it, ever since that one night.. things have changed during the years.. her eyes, hair, her size, her looks, even her voice.. she's becoming older, i have to adapt to it as well. it's just hard to let go, one of the many things i'm very bad at, letting go.
my mother still isn't here, after 2 weeks of saying tommorow, she's not here. i've adapted to being on my own now, i really do have nothing. my friends have abendoned me to msoke dust every weekend and because i stopped smoking dips and i've became less hooked on marijuana (i never smoke alone anymore, i'm not a self-addict anymore) they decided that it's not good if we hang out anymore.
i miss hanging out with them, laughing and enjoying myself.. they tell me my friends are bad influence and leaving them would be the smartest thing, well.. i've left drugs, and my friends have left me.. and now i am alone. i dislike this feeling.. boredom, having nothing to do, no one to talk too but a computer screen.. i really hate it. i hope to meet other friends, but those who i've introduced myself to in college who DON'T do drugs are the most BORING people i have ever met.. so i'm stranded, i no longer know what to do.
it's 7:05, saturday night, i haven't left my house.. nor will i, yesterday i done nothing as well, i HATE being like this.. i want to do something, but i refuse to call them, if they don't want to chill with me because i won't comply to what they do, then so be it, i won't speak to them neither. it's just hard because when i do nothing, i think, and because i'm pessamistic, too much thinking is bad.
whatever.. we'll see if i last through the night without dying of thinking, boredom, or anything else.
i'll go make me some coffee, have a cigarette and relax off for a bit.
Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You?
I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by
 peacefulchaos !
Which "Natural Wonder" are you?
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